Tomato

Nicole Capperlaka

Main, Soup, Survivor South Africa, Survivor South Africa: Island of Secrets, TV, TV Recap

Previously on Survivor South Africa the final three awoke on Day 39, overjoyed to make it to the end and ready to plead their case in front of the jury. Nicole was looking forward to owning her game and proving the haters wrong about her lying, while Rob was rightly confident in how dominant he played. While Durao was looking forward to talking about how strong he played by protecting Rob. Sadly you can tell one of these pitches is not like the other, so when they arrived at final tribal council, it was no shock that Jacques told Durao he had no chance of winning the game. So I pulled him aside for his loser meal early.

Jacques then congratulated Rob and Nicole on playing well, though explained that they seem to be a pair and as such, it is hard to tell who actually played the better game. He then wished them all luck and sat back down. Mike told Durao that he still has a shot if he can give a decent answer, asking why he was so loyal to Rob. Durao said it was because he felt like he was protected from bullies by Rob. Mike then roasted Nicole’s game, though asked her to articulate her game as despite it being horribly personal, it was good. Nicole said that the personal connections were all real, though she played hard because she needed to. Seipei asked Rob to explain his journey, with him saying that he found family at Sa’ula and planned to stay loyal to the end. Only when Seipei suggested that they vote out Steffi and Nicole, did he realise that she needed to go. Seipei called bullshit though, and said that his loyalty until crossed approach, has made him cross more people than he needed to.

Geoffrey got up just to point out that Nicole is horrible and pathetic. Dante jumped up to call out Rob for being threatened by him and went in on him for saying he stole food from him, until Rob congratulated him for being strong and apologised. Mmaba tried to have Durao’s back and advocate for him, before asking Rob how his ‘safe’ game was better than Durao’s. To his credit, Rob mentioned that he didn’t want to put anyone down and told her to swing Durao a vote, thank you, goodbye, next. Cobus got up to share that he will vote for the person he likes best and then would factor in the game. He told Nicole that he likes her best, though needed her to explain her malicious behaviour to win him back over. She reiterated the personal connections were all real but her loyalty to Rob is the reason she had to ice people, and she was starting to regret bonding with everyone if it has hurt them.

Laetitia asked Rob and Nicole to explain why they deserve to win, with Rob focusing on his challenge prowess and knowing that the jury hates Nicole and as such, he knew it was the best strategy to take her to the end. Nicole countered that she played harder than Rob simply because she had to, not winning immunities and having her back against the wall as a middle-aged woman. Meryl said that she related to Nicole as a mother and felt selfish for coming out to play the game, therefore was unsure how Nicole could talk about being brave when she was just as selfish as her.

Steffi wrapped things up by congratulating everyone on making the end before asking Rob what drove the amigo alliance, with Rob saying it was love. She then questioned why he ignored that and didn’t approach her to find out why she was trying to target him. Steffi then asked Nicole how she could think of herself as a role model, then didn’t let her answer before asking Rob whether he believed she wouldn’t have turned on him if she had the chance. Once again, that question was rhetorical, as Steffi cussed them out for humiliating her two tribals ago. Which, preach. Rob then pointed out that he had red flags about her around the family visit, when she didn’t appear surprised to see her friend and then barely spoke to her, he realised that they already caught up at the Island of Secrets. She then admitted to lying and then apologised to Rob and Nicole and honestly, I am fucking confused.

Nico gave the final three one last chance to explain their games, with Durao mentioning that he used his charm and charisma to get to the end. While he compromised his integrity at times and knew that people may have found him to be a bit of a joke, he had a great time and is just happy to be there. Swoon. Rob then spoke about owning the Island of Secrets before actually getting to the point, talking about controlling every single vote and knowing everything that was going on at any given moment. And also won a shit tonne of immunities … and his competitors are only here because he wanted them here, which is super true. 

Nicole then tried to start by thanking everyone in the jury and the other finalists, before saying she fought hard, tried her best physically and knowing she couldn’t rely on it, had to dominate strategically. She then apologised for hurting people, but knew that she had to use her personal connections to ride to the end with an alliance, even if she threw herself under the bus in the process. She then said that while Rob knew everything that was happening, it was her connections and intel that gave him said information. With that the jury voted and as promised, Durao received no votes and wound up in third place.

The votes finally rolled in and after landing at four votes a piece, Rob pulled away with the  last two, winning the title of Sole Survivor. And leaving poor Nicole in second place. Despite just experiencing an absolute roasting from the jury, Nicole was still happy as she arrived at Ponderosa. While I may have been bored by their dominant games, there is no denying that Nicole played a strong game. And as is often the case for a woman using social connections to survive, the jury kind of treated her unfairly. Which thankfully was all it took to have her feeling great and ready to celebrate her run with a fresh, hot Nicole Capperlaka.

Part sauce, part stew, part beans, chakalaka sounds like a bit of a hodge-podge to non-South Africans, but trust me, it is delicious. Spicy and rich, it is oh so soothing.

Enjoy!

Nicole Capperlaka
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
2 tbsp olive oil
1 onion, diced
8 garlic cloves, minced
1 green chillies, thinly sliced
2cm piece ginger, finely grated
2 tbsp hot curry powder
1 red capsicum, diced
1 yellow capsicum, diced
1 green capsicum, diced
4 carrots, grated
2 tbsp tomato paste
800g can diced tomatoes
1 tsp paprika
½ tsp smoked paprika
½ tsp ground cardamom
2 tsp dried thyme
400g can navy beans
salt and pepper, to taste

Method
Heat the oil in a dutch oven over medium heat, and sweat the onion for five minutes, or until soft and starting to brown. Stir in the garlic, chilli and ginger, and cook for another couple of minutes before stirring in the curry paste and a quarter of a cup of water to stop it catching.

Add the capsicum and carrots, and cook stirring for a couple of minutes to coat before adding the tomato paste, tomatoes, paprika, smoked paprika, cardamom, thyme and navy beans. Bring to the boil, reduce heat and simmer for 15 minutes until the vegetables are soft and the sauce has thickened. 

Serve with some bread and devour, like a proud runner-up.


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Bunnão Chouzo Mariano

Main, Survivor South Africa, Survivor South Africa: Island of Secrets, TV, TV Recap

Previously on Survivor South Africa Laetitia had well and truly had it, officially after the tribe banded together to humiliate Steffi on her way out the door. And boy was it fun watching her go all scorched earth. First she pulled Rob aside and threw Nicole straight under the bus, pointing out that she was planning to blindside him before he won immunity. Which obviously led to a patented infuriating Nicole speech. Sadly when Rob won final immunity, Nicole was claiming it as a victory of her own. At tribal council Laeitita continued to scalp Nicole and while she did an impeccable job of guaranteeing Nicole doesn’t win the game, she proved to Rob and Durao that she was the real threat and as such, found herself becoming the final juror.

The final three awoke on Day 39 laughing about how they got there, mocking Nicole’s penchant for lying and Durao’s confusion, and honestly it just isn’t cute and I am over it. Give the money to Laetitia and our pre-jury Queen Tania. Nicole laughed about how – wait for it – epic the final tribal council will be when she fights back at everyone that comes for her impeccable social game. Particularly Steffi, who she anticipates will be out for blood. To her credit though, she plans to explain her lies and how they differ from her lie about being virtuous. Rob was less nervous, knowing that he is clearly the frontrunner while Durao planned to see himself as the victor because he protected Rob the entire time. Which is a feather in Rob’s cap, not his.

Given it seems like a forgone conclusion, we pivoted immediately to final tribal council where Jacques kicked off the proceedings, letting Durao know he made the merge being respected but tonight sits here with 0 shot at winning. Which is 100% true, so let’s pause it right there and celebrate – and I use the term loosely – our third place finisher. Despite starting out strong and full of hope, when he came into Rob’s orbit, he simply became his number and all hope was lost. Making him the first Mariano – don’t fact check me – to not win the game. Which is a shame requiring a big bowl of Bunnão Chouzo Mariano to distract from the pain.

Despite what the name bunny chow would have you believe, it does not contain bunny and it is actually delicious. I mean, it is a curry served in a cob loaf. Need I say more?

Enjoy!

Bunnão Chouzo Mariano
Serves: 4-6.

Ingredients
2 tbsp olive oil
2 onions, diced
10 garlic cloves, minced
5cm piece ginger, grated
4 bay leaves
2 small cinnamon sticks
1 tbsp ground turmeric
1⁄4 cup garam masala
800g crushed tomatoes
1kg lamb shoulder, diced
2 tbsp kosher salt
3 potatoes, peeled and diced
2 cups chicken stock
1 cob loaf
coriander, to serve

Method
Heat the oil in a large dutch oven and sweat the onions, garlic and ginger for a few minutes, or until soft and sweet. Add the bay leaves, cinnamon, turmeric and garam masala and cook for a minute before stirring in the crushed tomatoes. Bring to the boil, reduce heat to low and simmer for 5 minutes.

Add the lamb and salt, and stir to coat. Simmer for a further 15 minutes, or until cooked through. Add the potatoes and chicken stock, bring to the boil again, reduce heat to low and simmer for 45 minutes.

To serve, carve out the centre of the cob and fill with the curry and top with a sprinkling of coriander. And devour, eating away your feelings.


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Abbean Holmes Soup

Australian Survivor, Australian Survivor: Champions vs. Contenders (2019), Main, Side, Snack, Soup, TV Recap

Previously on Australian Survivor Luke and Abbey were playing the middle of the two duos, with the former unaware that everyone – but Abbey – was plotting his demise. When he took out immunity and saved himself, Harry pivoted and put the target back on to his nemesis JaQueen. This put Luke and Abbey back in the middle and try as JaQueen and Pia might, they were unable to swing them back to their side, and JaQueen was tragically beheaded. Not literally, but it felt hard to watch. As Janine is a bloody icon.

Back at camp Pia was disheartened to have lost Janine though explained to the tribe that as an award winning actress, she could tell that it was coming since they’re shit actors. Abbey was proud to make it to the final five, and have the chance to show the jury that she can pull off a big blindside in getting rid of Janine. And since she has grown to enjoy a cheeky blindside, looked forward to rolling Pia next. Which can’t happen as my heart just couldn’t take it.

The next day Harry was thrilled to have Janine’s scalp in his collection like a munted Hannibal Lector. The rest of the tribe lazed about – Abbey not keen on having another bean, don’t tell John – while Harry decided that Luke is the last person left that could beat him in the final two, and as such, needs to go. He pulled Abbey and Baden aside to lock in the vote against Luke, and then quickly lined up the back-up target of Pia should he win another immunity. Given they can all see that she was the mastermind behind the boss lady. Speaking of Pia she wasn’t feeling it after losing her island bestie, though focused on her family who she was fighting for. She then put a smile on her dial, pretended to be happy and got to work winning people back without them noticing that she is coming for revenge.

She knew that Luke was her best shot, so huddled with him in the shelter and assured him that she has no desire to vote him out and as such, is his best bloody shot at staying in the game. He assured Pia that she has nothing to worry about as he knows he will be booted the moment he doesn’t have immunity or an idol. As such he went searching for another idol and after days of meandering the jungle, finally spotted a clue hidden in the tree. It led him to the other end of the beach where another clue was hidden within a coconut. This in turn led him back to camp to grab a machete before heading back to the coconut where he learnt that he didn’t find an idol and instead, won the power to send someone out of tribal council before the vote which makes them safe and robs them of the right to vote. At the final five. Which is fucking huge.

My dear Jonathan and his guns of steel returned for the latest immunity challenge where everyone would stack dominos along a beam tethered to a trip obstacle, with the first person to stack their dominos and have them clang – is clang the right word? – into a gong snatching immunity. Harry and Abbey got out to an early lead, while Luke trailed closely behind. Luke dropped three blocks, followed by Harry dumping a bunch handing Abbey the lead, with Baden close behind. Everyone kinda caught up, while Abbey, Baden and Pia tried to respace their blocks to give them a shot at victory. Baden then knocked all of his off the beam, allowing Abbey the chance to snatch victory however she didn’t space hers enough bringing it down to a fight between Luke and Pia, with Luke actually snatching a record equalling individual immunity.

Back at camp Harry was super grumpy about Luke’s winning streak, knowing full well that he and his fake son don’t stand a chance against him in the final two. He and Abbey went for a walk to lock in the plan B to take out Pia, with Harry sure that there is no way she will win anything and as such, will not help them get rid of Luke. Baden joined the duo and they all locked in the plan, worried about getting caught and then straight up giving each other pinky promises under the watchful eye of Pia and Luke. Pia laughed about them clearly planning to vote her out, though vowed not to go down without a fight. Unaware that she was charming the shit out of her biggest hope.

Abbey caught up with Luke, completely unaware that he knows she is gunning for him and Pia. He assured Baden, Harry and Abbey that he was with them until the end, though he was hopeful that he would be able to swing something to save Pia. He approached her and promised that no matter how it looks at tribal council, to trust him and she will be safe. He told us that his plan is to send Baden back to camp and force Harry into turning on Abbey with him and Pia. Knowing they needed to lull her into a false sense of security, Pia and Luke approached Abbey to float getting rid of Harry. Pia said she would be putting her acting skills to use at tribal, Abbey was unaware of the plot against her and Luke was honestly so far down a rabbithole that he worried that he would end up blindsiding himself.

Again, like a fucking icon.

At tribal council Luke interrupted Jonathan’s praise of his immunity streak by standing up, handing over the note and immediately sending Baden straight back to camp. He exited in utter confusion, thrilled to make it to the final four but shocked about what will go down in his absence. Abbey and Harry were shocked about the turn of events, while Pia pretended to be disappointed that he didn’t choose to save her. Luke then started whispering to Pia, which made Harry and Abbey nervous, though Harry admitted that it is unlikely that Luke would leave his plan to the very last minute and as such, it was all for show. Jonathan tried to rub salt in their wounds about being left out, leading to Luke whispering to Abbey while Pia whispered that Harry was awesome.

Sensing his imminent doom, Harry started to burn everything down and told them all that Luke is in control and unbeatable. He then mentioned that there is one way that they can save themselves, unaware that he is only burning himself given Luke isn’t going to flip on Pia to keep a fellow immunity threat around. Pia reminded everyone that staying focused on Luke is forcing others to make stupid decisions, while Luke said that only one person needs to worry this tribal council and it is about time they take the garbage out. Pia admitted that she is kind of shocked to potentially making it through the tribal and Harry tried to remind everyone that he is not the biggest threat left in the game.

With that the tribe voted and Luke and Pia’s hail Mary plan worked perfectly, with Abbey voting Harry, Harry voting Pia and Pia and Luke banding together to blindside Abbey from the game. And impressing the hell out of the jury with their flashy move. While she was overshadowed by her former closest allies Pia and Janine’s dominant games, she formed one third of Australian Survivor’s answer to the Black Widow Brigade and that is something that makes me immensely proud. Particularly after she blindsided her childhood hero and one of the aforementioned closest allies slash queens. In any event, she did me proud and surprisingly I told her that, took her in my arms and gave her a clearly island appropriate bowl of Abbean Holmes Soup. Despite the fact she wished to never eat another bean.

 

 

Essentially flavoured just like a can of refried beans, this isn’t going to be something that everyone loves. But if you love refried beans like Ab (used to) and I, roll right up. Earthy, spiced and pack with simple charm, this baby proves that sometimes plain(ish) can be your favourite flavour.

Enjoy!

 

 

Abbean Holmes Soup
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
olive oil
2 onions, diced
2 garlic cloves, minced
2 tomatoes, diced
2 chipotles in adobo
800g canned pinto beans, rinsed and drained
1L chicken stock
1 tbsp thyme leaves
a small handful coriander leaves, roughly chopped
salt and pepper, to taste
100g queso fresco, crumbled

Method
Heat a good lug of olive oil in a dutch oven and place over medium heat. Add the onions and sweat for five minutes, or until soft and sweet. Add the garlic, tomatoes and chipotles, and cook for another couple of minutes. Add the pinto beans and cook off any excess liquid from the rinsing before adding the chicken stock. Bring to the boil, reduce to low and simmer for half an hour, stirring infrequently.

Once the liquid has reduced to be just under the solids, add the herbs and cook for a further five minutes. Remove from heat, season and blitz until smooth.

Return to the heat and cook for another five minutes, adding some extra stock if it is too thick. Serve, top with queso and devour through the tears of your life.

 

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Jacqualaka Burger

Burgers, Main, Snack, Street Food, Survivor South Africa, Survivor South Africa: Island of Secrets, TV Recap

Previously on Survivor South Africa Jacques held on to his idol – when Cobus was tragically booted – and returned to camp full of confidence and bravado, calling everyone mother f&%$&^s and offending them. This led to his exile from the group, leading to Steffi’s sanctimonious edit intensifying. Feeling an in with the rest of the tribe, Mike warned everyone about Jacques reward steal and that he was bribed into protecting Jacques long enough to make family visit. Sadly for him, it didn’t get him that in as he tried to lead the charge against Rob, going to Mmaba and two of Rob’s besties Nicole and Durao. At the Island of Secrets Mmaba beat Steffi in a battle of wits and won a clue to a hidden immunity idol in the lid of the voting urn. Knowing the truth could be problematic, she told Steffi that the advantage was actually the ability to steal any victory at a challenge. Nicole won immunity, then joined Durao to rat out Mike – leading to the plan being cancelled – while Steffi ratted out Mmaba, with the latter tragically booted with her newly found idol in her pocket after voting for Jacques despite him playing his idol before the vote.

Back at camp Mike finally realised that he is well and truly on the outs, with Rob jumping in to take full responsibility – with Steffi – for the blindside, as they are already his biggest targets. And let’s be honest, it adds another move to his resume.

The next day Durao and Mike lamented the loss of Mmaba, with the latter particualrly feeling pretty stupid since his best ally is gone because he didn’t think she should be worried. Rob was glad to be Mike’s number one target, given the element of surprise is gone. The boys caught up with Rob lying that he only left Mike out of the loop again because he’s already put him in that position with Geoffrey. This made Mike feel a little bit safer, with the boys sharing that they trust each other and are grateful for the other’s honesty. Which is a total lol. Meanwhile Nicole was being sanctimonious by the well with Laetitia, talking about how honourable everyone was at the last tribal council and how important it is to stick to the plan – which gets her to the end – and hopefully Laetitia doesn’t crack and start making decisions that benefit herself. 

The girls then collected treemail which brought the news of the Survivor Auction, which filled Jacques with hope that he could buy an advantage and live to fight another day. They met Nico in a clearing where they discovered it wasn’t an auction, and instead everyone gets a reward based on chance. They drew numbers for spots which corresponding with their prize, with Nicole getting a big ol’ chocolate cake. Which she can not touch, or she is out of the challenge. Next up Laetitia got the option of a covered item, or to steal Nicole’s cake, opted for the covered item of bangers and mash. Mike got his covered item, or the cake or bangers with Mike too taking the mystery item instead of disappointing Nicole. Jacques stole Mike’s mystery item, while Mike got the next mystery item which we learnt was a glass of water and the chance to beg for scraps. Durao stole the scraps reward, leaving Mike with a letter from home for him and one other person. Steffi then stole Jacques’ mystery box, giving Jacques a new mystery item while Rob ended with Durao’s scrap reward, leaving Durao with a shot tonne of biltong and beer. With everyone getting a chance to steal, Nicole went again and stole Rob’s scraps prize and handed him the cake. Nico then asked Jacques and Steffi to uncover their items, with Jacques getting bacon, eggs and coffee while Steffi was sent to the Island of Secrets.

With Steffi booted from the group, Mike handed out his spare letter to Laetitia before Nicole started to scavenge while Mike and Laetitia broke down. Nico then counted down their remaining eating time, with everyone stuffing their faces and leaving like squirrels. Everyone returned to camp full of the joys, with Nicole thanking everyone for their spoils though most grateful for Steffi for blocking Jacques from getting the chance of an advantage. Mike and Laetita then read their letters to everyone, leading to a group hug which was super sweet and hopefully will lead to a flip.

Knowing he is pretty much screwed, Mike approached Jacques and Durao to see whether they would be keen to band together and save themselves from Rob and Steffi’s regime. Jacques questioned whether Nicole would be interested in joining them, with Mike confident that she is in sadly unaware that she and Durao are not. Durao approached Rob with the latest update, completely unaware that this is far from being in his best interests.

Meanwhile on the Island of Secrets Steffi discovered that her prize was a private visit from her best friend and a shit tonne of kebabs and pina coladas, and honestly seeing how happy she was softened me to her. Her bestie then got a confessional (or two) which made me angry that she has received more coverage than Sam on Australian Survivor. They then spoke game, with Steffi sharing that she wants to stick with Rob until the end which thankfully Gina told her was the shittest idea as she is sure to lose and as such, she needs to get a gameface on and focus on winning rather than looking sweet and praise Gina, Steffi has won me over again.

Gina, thank you. You’re an icon and I am interested in the season again.

Nico and Steffi returned to the game for the immunity challenge where everyone would have to pull a rope to balance a board on which they need to build a house of cards with the first to reach the top winning. Jacques opted to focus on planning, looking at how many tiles it would take to get to the top. Durao got out to an early lead before dropping, followed by Steffi losing everything, then Jacques and Mike within seconds. Laetitia had to undo some of her work to get enough cards before Rob, Durao and Nicole lost their stacks. Mike lost a few blocks before Steffi lost hers again. Followed again, by Durao. Mike and Rob slowly started to pull away, with a last minute change of direction securing Mike immunity by the skin of his teeth.

Back at camp Mike was jubilant to get immunity when he needed it most before Steffi started to tell everyone about her fake experience at the Island of Secrets, getting nothing more than a bowl of rice. While everyone pretended to have sympathy, Jacques knew it was a bold faced lie and was hopeful that he could use her lies to woo someone into helping him boot her from the game. She then caught up with Nicole and Laetitia with the trio trying to figure out how to split the vote and then lowkey floating the idea that the trio goes to final tribal council together. That being said, she still wants Jacques and Mike out next to guarantee that Rob thinks nothing is up. Meanwhile Rob, Durao and Mike caught up to plan the vote for Jacques, offering them Steffi as the following boot instead to keep everyone in line. Rob then approached his legit alliance to fill them in that Mike and Durao are keen to take Jacques out and that then they will target Steffi, to guarantee their loyalty to Rob for the next tribal, giving them the safety to get rid of one of them next. Which is some 5D chess TBH.

Jacques continued to scurry around the island, desperate to find the newly hidden idol though tragically unable to find the idol right near him at the well. Durao and Rob then caught up with the latter assuring him that he and the girls are voting Jacques, so he and Mike need to vote for Laetitia. He then caught up with the girls who told him in no uncertain terms that the targets need to go from three to two, which meant that Rob had to return to the boys to get them to load their votes on Steffi so that if required, he can play his idol for Steffi and keep their four safe. While Jacques continued to pace for the idol, Laetitia casually walked past and spotted the idol that was right in front of him, snatching it for herself and giving the icon a safety. Please Queen Laetitia become Shane Gould 2.0.

At tribal council Mike continued to bask in the glow of his immunity victory, hopeful that the vote goes to plan for him. Rob pretended that he was feeling vulnerable, while Jacques was confident that he is well and truly screwed this time, particularly since he is unable to talk to anyone at camp. Nicole admitted that the tribe isn’t one big happy family, but isn’t sure which plans are just bluffs and as such she will continue to stick with those she trusts. Durao said that he plans to trust his gut and as such is confident that he is safe, and that Jacques will find himself getting the boot tonight. Jacques pointed out that if he is booted, somebody else because the new target and he is sure that people on the jury wished that they had flipped before they got the boot. Jacques admitted that he is the only person not involved in anyone’s final three scenarios, with Durao saying he plans to go with the strongest people at the end. Jacques continued to point out that people are on the bottom and as such, they need to flip before it is too late.

Nico pointed out that after this tribal council, the jury will be bigger than those left in the game with Laetitia shading Mike for not being able to figure out that number. Nico then joked that maybe he did and that is why he is wearing immunity, which made Mike nervous that Nico is trying to make him a target. Nicole pointed out that they need to focus on those in the game over the jury, as if they focus on the latter they may not survive long enough to face them. With that the tribe voted and Jacques’ luck ran out, booted from the game and (just before the family visit too).

Dear sweet Jacques is the best I could hope for if I ever made it onto Survivor. A superfan – or ultra, sorry – that manages to throw the target off their back, find a string of advantages and then be undone by swearing like a sailor when everyone is being way too sanctimonious. I told him that as I pulled him into my arms and apologised, wondering if the burger curse had replaced the pizza curse on Survivor. Oh, as I served him a warm Jacqualaka Burger.

This Steers copycat is pretty damn tasty, despite coming early than I need it in the running order. A fresh charred patty piled on a bed of chakalaka and dripping in Monkey Gland Sauce, it is so good I will let it slide.

Enjoy!

Jacqualaka Burger
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
500g beef mince
salt and pepper, to taste
olive oil
4 Kirsten Bunst
1-2 cups chakalaka
1 tomato, sliced
⅓ cup Monkey Gland Sauce

Method
Combine the mince in a bowl with a good whack of salt and pepper and scrunch to combine. Shape into four patties and place on some baking paper.

Heat a small lug of olive oil in a large skillet and cook the patties for a couple of minutes each side.

To assemble, split the buns and toast the middles on the skillet. Top with some chakalaka, some slices of tomato, the patty and a generous lug of monkey gland.

Devour, immediately, heartbroken to have missed the family visit.


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Chickeke Parma Burger moments before Keke Palmer got her hands on it.

Chickeke Parma Burger

Burgers, Main, Snack, Street Food

I don’t even know how I am typing this during Ekka season, but I feel like a positive, renewed man that isn’t crippled by the conflict of his passion for a Snoop Daggywood Dog and fear of falling back in with the intoxicating world of carnies.

Which reminds me, me and my hands need to catch-up with Lee-Anne Locken ASAP. I mean, once a carnie always a carnie, I guess?

But anyway, I am positively loving life ATM and that is in no small part thanks to spending time with my dear, perky, hilarious friend, the iconic Keke Palmer herself. While I knew her way back when she was simply Lauren, I knew she was destined for greatness, quit my job as a High School drama teacher and became her manager slash coach.

Did I mention I was the inspiration for Mr. G? Well I was.

While I’m not at liberty to tell you whether she is legit joining morning television full-time, I can confirm that we had a delightful time catch-up, plotting a way to get a reboot of Scream Queens happening at Netflix – I need Stamos to show skin and I know they will help – and that she assured me that if she were going to morning television permanently, she would have me on as an entertainment reporter slash culinary wiz.

Say what you will about my culinary skills, a gorgeously gloopy Chickeke Parma Burger can prove very convincing to get what you need from your nearest and dearest.

 

Keke Palmer overjoyed about potentially smashing a Chickeke Parma Burger

 

Crisp, juicy chicken, sweet tomato sauce and a heaping pile of sharp parmesan cheese, if you didn’t think there was a way to improve upon a parma, you would sorely be mistaken. I mean, adding the bun and with it, the ability to eat with your hands without judgement? I’m a genius, I tell you. Even if I wasn’t really the first person to come up with idea.

Enjoy!

 

Keke Palmer overjoyed about smashing a Chickeke Parma Burger

 

Chickeke Parma Burger
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
4 Kirsten Bunst
4 Chicken Parmigina Gershon
½ cup Shayonnaise Swain
1 tomato, sliced
1 lettuce, leaves removed, washed and drained.
Jud Beerza Battered Fries, to serve

Method
Cook the buns and parmies as per Kirsten and Gina’s recipes, and make the mayo.

To assemble the burgs’ toast the buns and smear the insides with a little bit of mayo. Add a layer of tomato, then the lettuce, then the parma. Close the burger and serve with fries, devouring immediately.

 

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A Sterling K. Hot Brown waiting to be demolished by Sterling K. Brown himself

Sterling K. Hot Brown

Main, Snack, Street Food

You know how when Randall Pearson is being all dreamy, kind and loving, rather than dismissing Beth and her feelings? Well that is what my dear friend Sterling is like, only better.

I greeted him at the airport, and TBH, it was like a moment out of a rom com. He dropped his bags, ran towards me and lifted me up into the biggest, warmest hug known to man. While I weightlessly spun around the room, I wondered if this was the moment we would fall in love.

He then let me go, patted me on the back and I remembered that we were both happily married, and agreed many years ago, never to let our palpable chemistry get in the way of our beautiful friendship.

We got back to my house where I immediately pummeled him … with questions about This Is Us’ upcoming season, including but not limited to, am I the other parent of Kevin’s child once he comes out and I become his love interest, will Milo show skin like in the pilot and will the Pearsons become less self-absorbed?

He was more non-committal than I liked on the first two, I offended him on the last one, so we agreed to disagree and focus on our beautiful friendship. And smashing a pair of rich, tasty Sterling K. Hot Browns.

 

Sterling K. Brown pensively eating a Sterling K. Hot Brown, pondering our beautiful friendship.

 

While I only recently learned of the majestic hot brown, as soon as it was in my mouth, I knew it had to be dedicated to my lovely Sterl. Warm and comforting, with a big meaty punch (of heart, in his case), there is nothing I want in my mouth more than this. At a meal time.

Enjoy!

 

Sterling K. Brown pensively eating a Sterling K. Hot Brown, pondering our beautiful friendship.

 

Sterling K. Hot Brown
Serves: 2.

Ingredients
1 tbsp unsalted butter
2 tbsp flour
½ cup milk
1 cup vintage cheddar cheese, grated
¼ cup parmesan cheese, grated
a pinch of freshly grated nutmeg
1 tsp hot sauce
salt and pepper, to taste
4 slices bacon, fried until crispy
1 tomato, sliced
4 slices sourdough, toasted
8 thin slices turkey
chives, sliced, to garnish

Method
Melt the butter in a saucepan over medium heat, Once foamy, add the flour and cook for a minute or so, or until a glorious roux has formed. Remove from the heat and slowly add the milk, whisking, before returning to the heat to bring to the boil. Reduce heat to low and simmer, still stirring, for five minutes, or until thickened. Add half of each cheese, the nutmeg, hot sauce and a good whack of salt and pepper. Stir to combine and remove from the heat.

To assemble, place the bread on a lined baking sheet and arrange the turkey and tomato on top. Spread sauce on top of each and finish with the remaining cheeses. Transfer to a grill and cook on medium for a couple of minutes, or until golden and bubbly.

Transfer the sandwiches to a plate, top with bacon and chives and then, finally, devour.

 

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Nova Peris Peri Chicken Burger

Australian Survivor, Australian Survivor: Champions vs. Contenders (2019), Burgers, Main, Street Food, TV Recap

Previously on Australian Survivor young, underestimated Baden had a hero moment at the reward challenge, proving himself to his tribe and helping them snatch their first reward. Things continued to get better for the Contenders – no doubt due to John’s nude scene – snagging another win at the immunity challenge. In no small part thanks to Janine’s idea to dig and trench over a hole. Which everyone agreed to, and don’t you forget it! Thankfully for JaQueen and her fellow outsiders, Luke and David found an idol, and then followed it up by working overtime to convince Abbey and Ross to flip on the athletes alliance, which worked, sending Susie out of the game and handing control of the tribe over to them.

The next day the new majority were living it up at Camp Champ, making jokes and having a great time. While Steven, Nova and E.T. sat around the shelter, sulking about the fact they were outplayed at tribal and wouldn’t be steamrolling their way to the merge. At the end of the rainbow the Contenders were still riding high on their back to back victories, none more so than Sarah who was overwhelmed by the beauty of Fiji and getting into the groove of island life. The tribe sat around the fire, roasting Sarah Harris and Studio 10 while flashing us back to John’s nude scene – how many times do you think I can bring this up, I wonder. There was an extremely hard pivot, with my Queen Sarah then talking about her experience surviving the Boxing Day tsunami. Honestly, just give her the money because she is the greatest and I’m sad we haven’t seen enough of her in the first three episodes.

We returned to Camp Champ where Nova was still running a tight ship in the kitchen … or protesting, I can’t tell. Though she was auditing bananas, then telling Ross he could cook his own damn rice (which is fair). We then followed Ross and Pia into the jungle who were snacking on ants, no doubt because Nova banned them from eating as she was seething after Susie’s blindside. As was Steven who was well and truly feeling the heat as the instigator of the athletes alliance, though he reminded us that he does not give up, ever, and will not go down without a fight. Given he talked about almost dying at least five times, I won’t make any jokes about winning Gold simply for not going down.

My love Jonathan returned for the next reward challenge – which coincidentally is a water challenge – aka Monika’s tower of belly flopping doom where people would jump off the tower one by one and snatch a flag, swim to a pontoon and then dive down to retrieve letters which they will use to solve a word puzzle … for HOT BLOODY CHOCCIE! Before Jonathan even asked the Contenders to sit someone out, Casey dived for the bench leaving tsunami survivor Sarah to face off against a huge body of water. When the challenge rolled around, Matt and David were neck and neck, while Hannah and Abbey both missed their attempts, while poor Sarah worried about screwing it up for their tribe. Luke got the Champs to a lead, before Harry closed the gap leaving Janine and Baden to arrive with the third flags neck and neck.

Daisy than followed in Monika’s footsteps and did a killer belly flop before John got the Contenders out to a lead. The Contenders then tried to coach Sarah through her trauma and TBH, I think the Champs should forfeit for her. Eventually it came down to just Sarah and Pia on the top of the towers, with Pia grabbing her flag on her third attempt while the Contenders gave up on trying to win and instead pushed Sarah to make the jump to prove it to herself and overcome her fear. Zaddy John then swam back to the tower to help Sarah, offering to hold her hand and jump with her. Matt too swam back, while the Champions slowly made their way to victory as the trio hugged at the top of the tower, agreeing not to push her outside her comfort zone. After the challenge Jonathan asked Sarah about her fears, giving her tribe the chance to publicly praise her and her bravery. Oh and then Jonathan gave the champs the chance to invite a contender to share in their reward, with them giving John a sweet treat for having Sarah’s back like the bloody icon he is.

Back at camp Sarah was still feeling guilty about losing the challenge and called the tribe around to explain what happened in the moment during the challenge and damn, all I want to do is give her a big hug as she is so much stronger than she is feeling. Shaun being the most beautiful man in the world, supported her and everything she’s been through and if John wasn’t John, I would be rooting for just Shaun.

Speaking of John, he was living it up over at Camp Champ, meeting new friends and most importantly, his childhood crush Pia aka the star of his fave movie, Looking for Alibrandi. I mean, does he get any better? While everyone was smashing marshmallows, Janine noticed a clue on the beach near the table, so slyly reached down to grab it, with only ally David catching her at the last minute. JaQueen wandered deep into the jungle where she learnt that she had picked up a clue, leading her back to the well where she snatched an idol … for the Contenders. The note explained that the idol was only good for a Contender to play at a Contender tribal council and that a Champion idol sits in the same location at the Contender beach. Given the highly specific wording, I assume a swap is a coming and this could be very good for her should she find herself becoming a Contender. She then debated whether it was a good idea to give the idol to John and hope he’d return the Champion idol to her, before ultimately deciding that patience is her best bet. It didn’t add anything to the narrative, but John returned to his tribe and then got down on one knee and gifted Sarah with a marshmallow for everything she has done for the tribe, and damn I love him so much.

Jonathan’s gun show returned for the immunity challenge where eight members of each tribe are tethered to ropes, wrapped around obstacles before releasing themselves and a pack of balls, which the final two have to roll up a curved wall and land them in a bucket. Hannah and Shaun got the Contenders out to an early lead over Abbey and David, much to Nova’s chagrin. While they managed to close the gap on the second obstacle, the Contenders still maintained a slight lead which only extended when Daisy and John hit the course, despite a killer run from Pia and Luke … until they tangled themselves on the second obstacle, alloying Baden and Sam to lap them. Casey and Matt started the course before the third Champion pair made it to the wall, until Casey started to fade and Janine and Simon slowly started to close the gap. Andy and Harry had a huge head start figuring out how to roll the balls in the bucket, landing three before the Champions even made it through the gate. While Nova’s hockey past helped her land her first roll, it was all for nought, as Harry landed the final ball, handing the Contenders third third immunity win.

Back at camp Pia was feeling extremely nervous after stuffing up the challenge with Luke and while they apologised, Nova looked like she wanted to kill them both. Steven went out into the ocean to cool down, both figuratively and literally, before assuring us that Abbey or Ross are the athletes target, rather than Pia or Luke. Abbey approached Simon to explain why she flipped, pointing out that Steven hadn’t bothered to ever talk to her. While he wanted her to join back with the alliance, she explained it was too hard. She then went to talk to Steven and Nova, with Steven making the situation worse for himself, cussing her out and calling her weak. Completely ignoring the point of Survivor, wondering why she dared not to tell them she was jumping. She then stood up for herself, explaining that he is the reason she flipped, given he never gave her the time of day.

She and Pia then walked down the beach where Abbey started to break down over the way Steven spoke to her. Janine, Ross, Luke and David stumbled upon them and asked what happened before going back to camp, asking Steven what the hell he said to her. While he was quick to deflect from the way he spoke to her, with Nova backing him up, the tribe rallied around Abbey. Steven eventually tried to smooth things over, finding her by the shore to apologise before returning to camp to joke about needing to pack his bag, knowing only a miracle will save him.

At tribal council E.T. seemed at a loss trying to explain how they lost yet again, while Nova pointed out that true Champions keep getting back up when things go wrong. Pia addressed the elephant in the room, saying that tensions flared after losing the immunity challenge before Abbey jumped in to rescue her, explaining that someone cussed her out – which Luke jumped in to point out was Steven – for flipping at the last tribal council. He admitted to it and reiterated his apology before Nova explained that she thought booting Steven was a bad, emotional idea and was salty about it. David explained why he defended Abbey so vehemently before Nova completely downplayed Steven’s behaviour. While Pia explained that he did get in her face, Nova continued to defend her friend while Pia pointed out that she too was there and saw everything. E.T. went back to talking about the initial alliance before Steven said that the tribe will be weakened without him, should he actually go home and no matter what, the divide will still be there if they don’t fix things.

With that the tribe voted and – to steal Jonathan’s joke – Steven lived up to his reputation and skated through once again, with his closest ally Nova getting the boot instead. While Nova was shocked to get the boot, she took her blindside like the legend that she is as she pulled me into a big hug. As you know, I’ve been involved with many an Olympics and while my specialty was swimming – hey Lisa and Steph! – like Nova, I was able to cross over and actually coached the Hockeyroos in ‘95-’96 which is where I first met the Australian hero. I always knew Nova was destined for greatness, and to see her going from strength to strength is one of the greatest joys of my life. That and celebrating her many victories with a big, juicy Nova Peris Peri Chicken Burger.

 

Nova Peris celebrating her fourth boot Nova Peris Peri Chicken Burger.

 

Hot, spicy and packing a real punch, there is no better way to honour the Queen of the Kitchen, dual-sport Olympian, Gold medalist, former senator and all around icon Nova. The burn of the chicken mixed with the creamy mayonnaise and sharp cheddar, honestly, is the only joy I can derive from seeing this hero booted.

Enjoy!

 

Nova Peris celebrating her fourth boot Nova Peris Peri Chicken Burger.

 

Nova Peris Peri Chicken Burger
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
6 small bird’s-eye chillies (seeds in for additional heat, if you wish)
½  teaspoon chipotle chilli powder
4 cloves garlic
1 lime, zested and juiced
2 tbsp paprika
2 tbsp oregano
¼ cup olive oil
¼ cup champagne vinegar
salt and pepper
2 chicken breasts, sliced into 4 fillets
4 Kirsten Bunst
½ cup Shayonnaise Swain
1 cup lettuce, shredded, washed and dried
1-2 tomatoes, sliced
4 slices cheddar cheese

Method
Blitz the chillies, chilli powder, garlic, lime zest and juice, paprika, oregano, olive oil and champagne vinegar in a food processor with a good whack of salt and pepper. Transfer to a bowl and rub over the chicken pieces. Cover and place in the fridge to marinate for 2 hours.

Preheat oven to 180°C.

When you’re ready to rock, transfer the chicken to a lined baking sheet and cook for 20 minutes, or until cooked through and starting to blacken around the edges.

Split the buns, smear each side with the mayo and top with some lettuce, tomato and a slice of cheese. Add the piping hot chicken, close the burg’ and devour, greedily.

 

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ustralian Survivor's second boot Laurolex Choong

Laurolex Choong

Australian Survivor, Australian Survivor: Champions vs. Contenders (2019), Breakfast, Main, TV Recap

Previously on Australian Survivor 12 new champs were dumped in the Fijian jungle to face off against a brand new batch of chumps. The Champions lived up to their names early on, taking out reward and setting themselves up with a killer camp while the Contenders struggling to get it together. Particularly Baden who wasn’t metabolising John’s ‘thing’ beans. Thankfully they found their footing at the right time, snatching immunity and leaving the Champions to battle it out amongst themselves. While Steven’s athletes alliance decided to target Pia, Luke rallied the rest in an attempt to get rid of Susie, neither of which interested Nova. She then employed her Canberra background, politicked and got my dear friend Roxette look-a-like Anastasia booted from the game.

The next morning we checked in on the Champions, who were busy as work fixing up the camp as rain rolled over the beach. Janine then gave the tribe a bit of a boost, leading the group through yoga and bringing everyone together. Luke tried to follow along but remembered his skills lay in being a creep, so instead wandered off to find a location to build this year’s spy shack right next to the well, to secure optimal goss.

Meanwhile over at the Contenders Mr Megan Gale got the fire started, much to the delight of his tribemates. As they gleefully smashed their first hot meal, poor Baden was feeling left right out, unable to find a ride or die – we then heard about his backstory and I am in love with him. He and Shaun then bonded cutting wood and let’s just say, there was definitely wood in my house. Ruining my vibe was Andy who was not keen on Baden, deeming him ill equipped for the game. He then admitted that he hasn’t been able to speak strategy and then brought up the lack of superfans on the tribe, which I’m fairly certain Baden realised was a terrible attempt at a cover up.

We then saw John in speedos and I still find him inappropriately sexy.

Back at the Champions, Pia was feeling her oats after surviving the first tribal council, until Susie broke my spirit and reminded me that Pia is still screwed as she believes that the seven athletes will never break up. Which I desperately hope breaks up at the next tribal council. Luke and Zadavid were desperately trying to figure out how to get themselves, Pia and Janine out of their predicament. They decided that Abbey and Ross were their best hopes, so David put his sexy body on the line and went to woo Abbey while Luke tried to buddy up with Ross. After quickly charming Abbey, he followed up with Ross and TBH, if either of them refuses David they are mad. I mean, he has a white speedo?

Jonathan and his guns returned for this week’s reward challenge for fishing gear and material to build a raft where the tribes would face off in pairs to push a turnstile around until they crossed their colour over a line. Matt and Shaun made extremely quick work of E.T. and Luke, snatching the first point for the Contenders. John and Andy put up a valiant fight against Steven and Ross, who ultimately secured the Champions first point. E.T. and Janine made quick work of Baden and Hannah, while Casey and Sarah evened things up against Susie and Pia after laying in wait for a couple of minutes. Then Janine and Abbey happened, destroyed Sam and Daisy and snatched reward for the Champions. Did I mention Janine is a bloody icon?

The Champions were jubilant back at camp, none more so than E.T. who was ready to go fishing ASAP while everyone else focused on the tarp. While the men went to scope out the fishing prospects, Pia, Susie and Abbey rummaged through the raft bamboo, just missing the clue that had been shoved up inside it. Much to Luke’s delight, who only went fishing to try and distract everyone from looking. Thankfully he caught a minnow for the tribe of eleven, so everyone was kinda happy, and hopefully for him, distracted.

The mood was decidedly more sombre back at the Contenders camp where Shaun continued to be the most beautiful man on the cast. But enough about that, Laura was particularly smarting given she was forced to sit out of the challenge and she worried that it was because she is short. She decided she needed to form bonds with people given they believe she is weaker, approaching Casey and Hannah to try and save herself. She was right to be worried though, given ice cream man Harry did not trust her in the slightest and felt getting rid of her should be his number one priority.

Back over at the Champions Luke lay in wait under the cover of darkness to search for his idol. Tragically Ross has the strangest snore of all time, keeping Nova and Pia up with him in hysterics. Eventually though, they went to sleep, giving Luke enough time to find the clue to the hidden immunity idol, which told him it was buried near the swamp, filling him with joy … as it isn’t something that someone else will be able to stumble upon. Given he isn’t part of the athletes alliance, I desperately hope this isn’t foreshadowing for someone snatching it without a clue.

Jonathan finally returned for the immunity challenge where the tribes were required to dive down a slide into a pull, climb over two walls, pull them down to clear a path, drag a heavy box of puzzle pieces through the mud … and then solve said puzzle. John continued to look sexy, rocking a speedo and getting the Contenders out to an early lead. Ultimately the tribes both got to the walls at the same time, with the Champions barely edging out a lead. The gap closed again, as the tribes were neck and neck pulling their boxes through the mud. More importantly, John looked great covered in mud. Both tribes were exhausted, with David coaching the Champions to be calm and have a break to get a second wind. Which they did, dragging it to the end zone, while the Contenders continued to struggle at the final obstacle. Steven and Ross worked hard on the puzzle, driven by the pained screams as the Contenders continued to struggle, ultimately snatching victory while their competitors wallowed in the mud.

Back at camp the Contenders were heartbroken to have lost, particularly Matt, who identified Baden as the weakest link, the reason for their loss and as such, decided he needed to go. We then learnt that Matt is a teacher slash wrestler and while he is coming across as arrogant, I find him very attractive. He then rallied Sarah and Laura to get rid of Baden, while Harry approached Andy to discuss what he was thinking. Once again, Andy surprised me by wanting to protect my dear sweet Baden, knowing he is a safe number for him, so he and Andy decided to flip the vote on Laura instead. Harry worked his way around camping explaining why Laura needs to go, which made her nervous since he hasn’t had a conversation with her. She then approached Harry to find out what he was thinking, with him lying that he is still planning to get rid of Baden. She then questioned who Baden thinks is going home, and she did not buy his lie that he thinks it is Sarah. Matt however didn’t love the idea of getting rid of Laura, so tried to convince Harry that putting his neck on the line wasn’t the best idea.

At tribal council Jonathan rubbed salt in Matt’s wounds, pointing out that they can’t seem to pull together many wins. This made Matt point out that they have a few weak spots in the tribe and while Daisy denied that there are weak team members, he continued to allude to Baden, though didn’t have the strength to admit it. Shaun admitted that strength is important in the early phase of the game, while Baden and Laura both tried to convince the tribe that neither of them have simply had the opportunity to highlight their strengths, which may save them down the line. Laura regretted not making stronger bonds, Andy continued to be way too much though made the valid point that friends are needed to survive in the game. Laura argued that friends are only good if you can trust them and in Survivor it is hard to trust anyone. Andy then spoke in circles though appeared to impress Jonathan, so I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt.

Laura and Baden both gave last ditch pitches to their tribe and given the way the hero music began to swell as Baden bared his soul to the tribe, it seems like a foregone conclusion. Andy then reminded people that strength isn’t everything, and cohesion is just as important. Matt then described the vote as simple, before they all filed off to cast theirs and four each stacked up on Laura and Baden, proving it clearly wasn’t that simple. Well until the remaining votes rolled in for Laura and sent her from the game as the second boot.

She heard me before she even finished descending the stairs from tribal council.

“Those stupid height-ist bastards. How dare they do this to our community?!”

Have I ever mentioned I am barely 5”10 like Cindy Crawford? No? Well I am, or not. You know what I mean. In any event, I pulled Laura into my arms and commenced sobbing uncontrollably, heartbroken that she was booted when Harry is also useless in challenges, Andy is super annoying and Matt’s cockiness is making it really hard to thirst for him. Why does such a plucky icon have to go, when they are disappointing me? This sort of thing went on for a good three hours before she could calm me down long enough to explain that she was ok, went out with her head held high and was pumped to wash away her disappointment with a big, fat Laurolex Choong.

 

Laura Choong smashing her second boot Laurolex Choong

 

While this is a highly Australian-ised version of the Ugandan breakfast of champions, it maintains all the tasty happiness. Warm, crispy chapati and soft, fluffy eggs sandwiching a bunch of vegetables, bacon and cheese – it is near perfection.

Enjoy!

 

Laura Choong smashing her second boot Laurolex Choong

 

Laurolex Choong
Serves: 2.

Ingredients
6 rashers bacon, diced
1 tomato, roughly chopped
4 shallots, sliced
½ red capsicum, diced
½ green capsicum, diced
4 eggs, beaten
½ cup cheddar cheese, grated
1 tbsp sriracha
2 Chapategan Garlicsior

Method
Place a frying pan on the stove over medium heat and cook the bacon for five minutes, or until lightly crisped. Add the tomato, shallots, capsicums and cook for a further couple of minutes.

Take half of the mixture out of the pan and pour half the eggs in the pan. Sprinkle with half the cheese, drizzle with half the sriracha and cook for a minute or two before topping with a chapati. Flip onto a piece of greaseproof paper and roll the chapati to form a roll … of eggs.

Repeat the process with the remaining ingredients and smash with your favourite second boot.

 

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Gazpachjoe Anglim

Main, Snack, Soup, Survivor, Survivor: Cambodia - Second Chance, Survivor: Edge of Extinction, Survivor: Worlds Apart, TV Recap, Vegetarian

Previously on Survivor, nothing evidently happened despite Kama winning immunity again – and Joe avoiding pre-merge tribal council for another season – sending both Lesu and Manu to tribal council to vote out one person, like the tragic Game Changers tribal that cost my love Malcolm his place in the game. While both tribes were locked down tribal lines on the first vote between Lauren and Wendy, the OG Kamas decided Wendy wasn’t worth rocks and flipped to send her to the Edge of Extinction.

But again, nothing happened because we’re going straight to a damn challenge.

Probst brought the three tribes to a field with six challenge set-ups instead of three and quickly welcomed them to the merge. While Gavin was excited to have made the merge, he was nervous about what was waiting for them around the corner … before Probst teased an iconic moment, sharing that they literally need to worry about what is around the corner as Reem, Keith, Chris, Rick, Aubry and Wendy were brought back in. Jeff then filled the merged tribe in on the Edge of Extinction and everyone, hopefully, felt super stupid for not realising something was up given the name of the season.

But we’re not here to make them feel stupid, we’re here for a challenge and damn what a challenge the losers face. They will each climb over an obstacle, complete a jailbreak and then guide a ball through an upright snake puzzle. We then learnt that Keith in fact did choose to disadvantage Chris with extra knots, giving him the advantage and disadvantage on top of potentially tripping on his package. Chris got out to an early lead with the extra knots proving zero difficulty, while Aubry, Rick and Wendy were right behind him. Aubry dominated the jailbreak, making it to the puzzle first, while Chris, Rick, Wendy and Reem followed. Oh and the knots were this section, so everyone got to practice the puzzle, while Chris untied the knots and Keith still struggled with his pole. Wendy was dominating the puzzle and close to the end before her tourettes started to act up, as she dropped just before snatching victory. Chris almost won and then dropped at the last moment before Rick snatched his win and a place on the merged tribe.

The losers rallied around to congratulate him while breaking down over their losses, before Probst filled the merge tribe in on the fact that Extinction would be resetting and they will all have a shot to return. The five remaining losers remained to chat with Probst, as Aubry shared how much Survivor has given her and helped her grow over the years. Reem shared that Survivor was her dream and how hellish extinction was, but how proud she was to not raise the mast. Keith spoke about his pride in not giving up, Wendy felt bad that she didn’t spend as long at extinction while Chris spoke about how he had always wanted to be perfect and extinction taught him that it doesn’t matter and he can just be himself. And now my heart swells like my pants whenever I look at him. They all held each other close before Probst gave them the opportunity to return to the Edge of Extinction and wait for another shot to return, making them all giddy as they accepted the offer once again and I am so glad I can make more jokes about Chris raising my mast. Because he can get it and I need to see him in every damn episode.

We returned to the merge camp where the tribe discovered the feast, which filled Julia with so much joy because of the epic majority and the abundance of food. The tribe found out about life on extinction while Kelley lamented the pain of having Rick, of all people, back despite the fact Reem hated her so much more. On the flip side Julie found a bond with Rick and wanted to work with him and help him avoid going back to extinction, since she never wants to go there herself

Speaking of extinction Chris, Aubry and Reem huddled together as Keith and Wendy approached the flag and HOT DAMN WE HAVE SOME QUITS! After arriving back, they realised that they could not be fucked waiting around for another three weeks and as such, officially became the first and second boots. The other three however, were galvanised and vowed to continue to fight.

Back at the merge tribe Kelley and Lauren caught up to worry about Rick’s return and the fact they need to find some cracks if they want to survive. Speaking of cracks, Kelley pulled Joe aside to see whether this will be the season they can actually pull off an alliance. She questioned whether the Aubry boot made him nervous, with Joe admitting that he, Aubry and Aurora were on the bottom which given basic maths, would say the Manus plus Joe and Aurora should have the majority if they can work together. But hold Kelley’s beer, because she doesn’t trust Rick and David and thinks they will go with the majority. As such, she wants to see Rick go straight back to extinction and approached the Kama women to float the idea. Sadly Julie had zero interest in sending him straight back, so while everyone seemed open to splitting the vote between David and Rick, Julie doesn’t seem like she will play along.

The next day we learnt the tribe settled on Vata as a name before Devens discovered a parcel in his bag, which is a best friend idol which he has to give half away and if they both survive the upcoming tribal council, the pieces join together to form a legit idol. And I think I made it sound more complicated than it is. That night, he approached David and passed off his half of the idol.

My boy Probst returned for the first individual immunity challenge of the season where they would each stand on a narrow beam and balance a statue on the end of a pole. Ron dropped before Probst even finished intro-ing the challenge. He was quickly followed by Gavin before the tribe transitioned to a thinner part of the beam which cost Wardog, Devens and Victoria their shot at immunity. Aurora was taken out by a huge gust of wind before the third phase of the challenge which eventually took out Wentworth. Eric, Julia and David dropped as their transitioned to the narrowest point of the beam, leaving Julie, Joe and Lauren to battle it out for immunity. Out of nowhere Joe dropped, though it appeared quite theatrical … almost like he was throwing the challenge to appear less threatening. In any event Lauren finally dropped after struggling for much of the challenge, handing Julie immunity and damn I have a new Queen to root for.

Back at camp the tribe got to work scrambling, with Kelley continuing to push for Devens and Julie feeling safe enough to instead go for Kelley. She pulled in Victoria who was keen to get another vet out, before Julie approached Devens to say that he and David are safe while everyone else on his OG tribe were desperate to get rid of him. Devens filled in David on the betrayal and that Julie will tell them who to target but that someone from Lesu is likely to go. Ron and Joe caught up, with Joe asking Ron to follow Eric, Julie and Victoria to make sure his name doesn’t come up. His calm demeanor made Ron feel like he was planning to betray him and as such, he wanted the Kama 6 to band together to instead take out Joe as it may be their only chance. While Victoria still though Kelley was the safer option, she floated Ron’s plan with Eric and Gavin and they tried to decide who was best to get rid of first between Kelley and Joe. Julie was the voice of reason, sharing that whatever it is, the six of them need to come to a consensus as the vote will dictate the rest of the came.

At tribal council Joe, Julie, Julia, Ron and Aurora finally got their torches before Probst announced that Reem, Chris and Aubry stayed on extinction and as such would sit on the jury while they await their next bid to return. Julie shared that the game has finally begun for the five people that stayed on Kama, Ron admitted that he will always be Kama strong which made Kelley feel nervous, given she is back on the bottom. Again. Rick admitted that he was confused about the dynamics after being out of the game, while Victoria shared that sending him straight back would be evil and that there are bigger targets to focus on first. This made Joe very nervous as a challenge threat, which she said wasn’t the only threatening thing in the game. Ron felt there were no idols in the game, which Wardog said generally means four will pop up at tribal before Rick felt it was weird back at camp while they should have been scrambling, since Kama was calm and Joe lazed around painting the tribe flag. Ron pointed out that having the majority means you don’t need to scramble, which made Kelley remind them she is used to playing from the bottom which was ominous as they went to vote.

Once again both Lauren and Wentworth held strong and opted out of playing their idols as the first seven votes rolled in between Rick, David and Wentworth, before the final six landed on Joe and he found himself voted out of the game, much to Reem’s chagrin given her shot at returning just got that much worse. Because obviously Joe chose to go straight to extinction and for what feels like the first time in his three seasons, he is angry and has a fire to come back. Which is what I told him to do after jumping out from behind the sign and handing off a thermos of Gazpachjoe Anglim.

 

 

While the residents of Springfield find this chilly soup to be a total failure, this should prove just how majestic it can be. Fresh, zingy and packing a tonne of punch, there is no better meal to sip on whilst waiting on an island while getting abused by Reem.

Enjoy!

 

 

Gazpachjoe Anglim
Serves: 6.

Ingredients
½ cup olive oil
1.5kg tomatoes, halved
3 garlic cloves, crushed
½ tsp ground cumin
½ tsp ground coriander seeds
salt and pepper, to taste
½ cup crustless white bread, cubed
½ tsp demerara sugar
2 tbsp red wine vinegar
1 lebanese cucumber, diced
1 green capsicum, diced

Method
Preheat oven to 200C.

Toss the tomato and garlic through the olive oil, cumin, coriander and a good whack of salt and pepper, and place in the oven to scorch for ten minutes. Remove from the heat and transfer to a blender. Soak the bread in some water for a couple of minutes, before squeezing out the excess liquid and added to the blender with the sugar and vinegar. Blitz until everything is smooth.

Strain the soup into an airtight container and transfer to the fridge to chill for a few hours.

Once ice cold, serve with a sprinkling of cucumber and capsicum and a sprinkle of cumin. Devour.As you can probably tell, we are very

 

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Linda Perry Peri Chicken Pizza

Main, Pizza, Poultry, Street Food

What a difference a few days can make, right? After witnessing Glenn’s seventh and Amy’s sixth snubs – no matter how deserving the delightful Olivia and Regina are, it still stung – I started to rage about all the things this Oscars failed me on like Shallow muse Timothée Chalamet and my girls Dolly and Linda Perry getting snubbed.

By the time Linda arrived at my house I was in such a state, alternating between crying and screaming, that she had to pull me into her arms and hold me until I calmed down.

And thanks to her warm, loving friendship, I’ve been in a state of zen since.

I’ve known Linda for years and years, first meeting as teens in San Diego. Fun fact: she taught me that San Diego didn’t actually translate to mean whale’s vagina, which I passed on to Will Ferrell to use as a joke in Anchorman.

But anyway, she was always so patient and kind with me, despite my many foibles, so I jumped at the chance to move to San Francisco with her in the ‘80s and I of course, vowed to make her a star.

Given how insanely busy she has been recently, Linda and I haven’t spent as much time together as we would like, so it was wonderful to be able to just have time to reconnect. And smash a piping hot Linda Perry Peri Chicken Pizza.

 

 

A crunchy base, sweet tomatoes and the fiery spice of peri peri chicken work together to form the perfect pizza for warming up a surprisingly cold evening in Brisbane. FYI, it got down to 25°C.

Enjoy!

 

 

Linda Perry Peri Chicken Pizza
Serves: 2-6.

Ingredients
2 bases as per Pizsa Zsa Gabor
olive oil
2 chicken breasts, diced
½ cup peri peri sauce
⅓ cup passata
oregano and basil, roughly chopped, to taste
1 red onion, thinly sliced
1 cup baby spinach
200g cherry tomatoes, halved
mozzarella, to taste

Method
Prep the bases as per Zsa Zsa’s instructions.

Heat a lug of olive oil in a skillet and cook the diced chicken for five minutes or so, or until cooked through. Add the peri peri – more if needed – and cook for a further couple of minutes, or until well coated.

Preheat oven to 180°C.

Smear passata over the prepared bases, sprinkle of the herbs, onion, spinach, spicy chicken and cherry tomatoes, before blanketing – I mean, you don’t have to but who wouldn’t – in mozzarella.

Transfer to the oven and bake for fifteen minutes, or until bubbly and golden. Before devouring, thinking about how wrong it is that Lind and Doll still don’t have Oscars.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest and Tumblr.