Robotie Bentele

Main, Pie, Survivor South Africa, Survivor South Africa: Island of Secrets, TV, TV Recap

Previously on Survivor South Africa three tribes of seven South Africans were abandoned on the Samoan islands to backstab and blindside each other. Seventeen have left – including Lee-Anne, Paul, Ting Ting – yes, we’re doing it – Rose-Lee, Felix, Tania, Rocco, Nathan, Meryl, Geoffrey, Seipei, Dante, Cobus, Mmaba, Jacques, Mike and Steffi – leaving Durao, Nicole, Rob and Laetitia to battle it out for victory. Durao was on the periphery for most of the game, before loyally destroying every chance to blindside Rob throughout the merge. Nicole cried, Rob dominated and Laetitia was a total fucking icon.

When it came down to the final four, Rob won yet another immunity and ruined any chance of a blindside. And while Laetitia tried her hardest to talk her way into the final three – and she came really close – her killer argument proved just how big of a threat she would be if she found herself in front of the jury. As such, she found herself joining it instead.

At tribal council Durao was read for being Rob’s biggest fan and completely shut out of the vote, leaving Rob and Nicole to battle it out for the title. And while they both clearly articulated just how dominant of a game they each played, Nicole’s hyper personal – and a little preachy – game rubbed the jury the wrong way but not even a genuine, solid apology was able to win enough of them over, handing Rob the win.

A very well deserved win.

As he arrived at Ponderosa, I pulled him in for a massive hug and congratulated him on a game well played. Despite the fact the merge dragged on a little bit, the reason it did, was because of how well Rob played the game. And that is always worthy of a piping hot celebratory Robotie Bentele.

A little pot pie is always a win. Particularly when it comes with a golden little quiche-esque topping. Spicy, rich and oh-so-warming, it is the perfect meal for a cold winter night. Or to mark a dominant victory.

Enjoy!

Robotie Bentele
Serves: 6.

Ingredients
½ cup panko breadcrumbs
1 cup milk
2 tbsp olive oil
1 onion, diced
1 carrot, peeled and cut into half moons
6 garlic cloves, minced
5cm piece ginger, minced
1kg beef mince
2 tbsp hot curry powder
5 fresh curry leaves, finely chopped
½ cup raisins
2 tbsp slivered almonds, toasted
2 tbsp fruit chutney
1 cup beef stock
1 lemon, zested and juiced
salt and pepper, to taste
2 eggs
½ tsp ground turmeric

Method
Preheat the oven to 180C, and soak the breadcrumbs in half of the milk.

Heat the oil in a dutch oven over medium heat, and cook the onion and carrot for five minutes until golden and soft. Add the garlic and ginger and cook for a further minute, or until fragrant. Add the mince and cook, breaking up with a wooden spoon, until browned. Stir in the curry powder and leaves, raisins and almonds, and cook for a couple of minutes before stirring in the chutney, stock, zest and juice and soaked breadcrumbs. Season with a good whack of salt and pepper, bring to the boil and reduce heat to low and simmer for five minutes.

Pop the mince into an ovenproof dish and pop in the oven to bake for 30 minutes. While the meat is getting gorgeously thick, beat the egg and turmeric with the remaining milk. Remove the dish from the oven and pour the eggy mixture over the top, before returning to the oven to cook for 20 minutes or until set.

Then devour, greedily, like the winner you are.


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Nicole Capperlaka

Main, Soup, Survivor South Africa, Survivor South Africa: Island of Secrets, TV, TV Recap

Previously on Survivor South Africa the final three awoke on Day 39, overjoyed to make it to the end and ready to plead their case in front of the jury. Nicole was looking forward to owning her game and proving the haters wrong about her lying, while Rob was rightly confident in how dominant he played. While Durao was looking forward to talking about how strong he played by protecting Rob. Sadly you can tell one of these pitches is not like the other, so when they arrived at final tribal council, it was no shock that Jacques told Durao he had no chance of winning the game. So I pulled him aside for his loser meal early.

Jacques then congratulated Rob and Nicole on playing well, though explained that they seem to be a pair and as such, it is hard to tell who actually played the better game. He then wished them all luck and sat back down. Mike told Durao that he still has a shot if he can give a decent answer, asking why he was so loyal to Rob. Durao said it was because he felt like he was protected from bullies by Rob. Mike then roasted Nicole’s game, though asked her to articulate her game as despite it being horribly personal, it was good. Nicole said that the personal connections were all real, though she played hard because she needed to. Seipei asked Rob to explain his journey, with him saying that he found family at Sa’ula and planned to stay loyal to the end. Only when Seipei suggested that they vote out Steffi and Nicole, did he realise that she needed to go. Seipei called bullshit though, and said that his loyalty until crossed approach, has made him cross more people than he needed to.

Geoffrey got up just to point out that Nicole is horrible and pathetic. Dante jumped up to call out Rob for being threatened by him and went in on him for saying he stole food from him, until Rob congratulated him for being strong and apologised. Mmaba tried to have Durao’s back and advocate for him, before asking Rob how his ‘safe’ game was better than Durao’s. To his credit, Rob mentioned that he didn’t want to put anyone down and told her to swing Durao a vote, thank you, goodbye, next. Cobus got up to share that he will vote for the person he likes best and then would factor in the game. He told Nicole that he likes her best, though needed her to explain her malicious behaviour to win him back over. She reiterated the personal connections were all real but her loyalty to Rob is the reason she had to ice people, and she was starting to regret bonding with everyone if it has hurt them.

Laetitia asked Rob and Nicole to explain why they deserve to win, with Rob focusing on his challenge prowess and knowing that the jury hates Nicole and as such, he knew it was the best strategy to take her to the end. Nicole countered that she played harder than Rob simply because she had to, not winning immunities and having her back against the wall as a middle-aged woman. Meryl said that she related to Nicole as a mother and felt selfish for coming out to play the game, therefore was unsure how Nicole could talk about being brave when she was just as selfish as her.

Steffi wrapped things up by congratulating everyone on making the end before asking Rob what drove the amigo alliance, with Rob saying it was love. She then questioned why he ignored that and didn’t approach her to find out why she was trying to target him. Steffi then asked Nicole how she could think of herself as a role model, then didn’t let her answer before asking Rob whether he believed she wouldn’t have turned on him if she had the chance. Once again, that question was rhetorical, as Steffi cussed them out for humiliating her two tribals ago. Which, preach. Rob then pointed out that he had red flags about her around the family visit, when she didn’t appear surprised to see her friend and then barely spoke to her, he realised that they already caught up at the Island of Secrets. She then admitted to lying and then apologised to Rob and Nicole and honestly, I am fucking confused.

Nico gave the final three one last chance to explain their games, with Durao mentioning that he used his charm and charisma to get to the end. While he compromised his integrity at times and knew that people may have found him to be a bit of a joke, he had a great time and is just happy to be there. Swoon. Rob then spoke about owning the Island of Secrets before actually getting to the point, talking about controlling every single vote and knowing everything that was going on at any given moment. And also won a shit tonne of immunities … and his competitors are only here because he wanted them here, which is super true. 

Nicole then tried to start by thanking everyone in the jury and the other finalists, before saying she fought hard, tried her best physically and knowing she couldn’t rely on it, had to dominate strategically. She then apologised for hurting people, but knew that she had to use her personal connections to ride to the end with an alliance, even if she threw herself under the bus in the process. She then said that while Rob knew everything that was happening, it was her connections and intel that gave him said information. With that the jury voted and as promised, Durao received no votes and wound up in third place.

The votes finally rolled in and after landing at four votes a piece, Rob pulled away with the  last two, winning the title of Sole Survivor. And leaving poor Nicole in second place. Despite just experiencing an absolute roasting from the jury, Nicole was still happy as she arrived at Ponderosa. While I may have been bored by their dominant games, there is no denying that Nicole played a strong game. And as is often the case for a woman using social connections to survive, the jury kind of treated her unfairly. Which thankfully was all it took to have her feeling great and ready to celebrate her run with a fresh, hot Nicole Capperlaka.

Part sauce, part stew, part beans, chakalaka sounds like a bit of a hodge-podge to non-South Africans, but trust me, it is delicious. Spicy and rich, it is oh so soothing.

Enjoy!

Nicole Capperlaka
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
2 tbsp olive oil
1 onion, diced
8 garlic cloves, minced
1 green chillies, thinly sliced
2cm piece ginger, finely grated
2 tbsp hot curry powder
1 red capsicum, diced
1 yellow capsicum, diced
1 green capsicum, diced
4 carrots, grated
2 tbsp tomato paste
800g can diced tomatoes
1 tsp paprika
½ tsp smoked paprika
½ tsp ground cardamom
2 tsp dried thyme
400g can navy beans
salt and pepper, to taste

Method
Heat the oil in a dutch oven over medium heat, and sweat the onion for five minutes, or until soft and starting to brown. Stir in the garlic, chilli and ginger, and cook for another couple of minutes before stirring in the curry paste and a quarter of a cup of water to stop it catching.

Add the capsicum and carrots, and cook stirring for a couple of minutes to coat before adding the tomato paste, tomatoes, paprika, smoked paprika, cardamom, thyme and navy beans. Bring to the boil, reduce heat and simmer for 15 minutes until the vegetables are soft and the sauce has thickened. 

Serve with some bread and devour, like a proud runner-up.


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Bunnão Chouzo Mariano

Main, Survivor South Africa, Survivor South Africa: Island of Secrets, TV, TV Recap

Previously on Survivor South Africa Laetitia had well and truly had it, officially after the tribe banded together to humiliate Steffi on her way out the door. And boy was it fun watching her go all scorched earth. First she pulled Rob aside and threw Nicole straight under the bus, pointing out that she was planning to blindside him before he won immunity. Which obviously led to a patented infuriating Nicole speech. Sadly when Rob won final immunity, Nicole was claiming it as a victory of her own. At tribal council Laeitita continued to scalp Nicole and while she did an impeccable job of guaranteeing Nicole doesn’t win the game, she proved to Rob and Durao that she was the real threat and as such, found herself becoming the final juror.

The final three awoke on Day 39 laughing about how they got there, mocking Nicole’s penchant for lying and Durao’s confusion, and honestly it just isn’t cute and I am over it. Give the money to Laetitia and our pre-jury Queen Tania. Nicole laughed about how – wait for it – epic the final tribal council will be when she fights back at everyone that comes for her impeccable social game. Particularly Steffi, who she anticipates will be out for blood. To her credit though, she plans to explain her lies and how they differ from her lie about being virtuous. Rob was less nervous, knowing that he is clearly the frontrunner while Durao planned to see himself as the victor because he protected Rob the entire time. Which is a feather in Rob’s cap, not his.

Given it seems like a forgone conclusion, we pivoted immediately to final tribal council where Jacques kicked off the proceedings, letting Durao know he made the merge being respected but tonight sits here with 0 shot at winning. Which is 100% true, so let’s pause it right there and celebrate – and I use the term loosely – our third place finisher. Despite starting out strong and full of hope, when he came into Rob’s orbit, he simply became his number and all hope was lost. Making him the first Mariano – don’t fact check me – to not win the game. Which is a shame requiring a big bowl of Bunnão Chouzo Mariano to distract from the pain.

Despite what the name bunny chow would have you believe, it does not contain bunny and it is actually delicious. I mean, it is a curry served in a cob loaf. Need I say more?

Enjoy!

Bunnão Chouzo Mariano
Serves: 4-6.

Ingredients
2 tbsp olive oil
2 onions, diced
10 garlic cloves, minced
5cm piece ginger, grated
4 bay leaves
2 small cinnamon sticks
1 tbsp ground turmeric
14 cup garam masala
800g crushed tomatoes
1kg lamb shoulder, diced
2 tbsp kosher salt
3 potatoes, peeled and diced
2 cups chicken stock
1 cob loaf
coriander, to serve

Method
Heat the oil in a large dutch oven and sweat the onions, garlic and ginger for a few minutes, or until soft and sweet. Add the bay leaves, cinnamon, turmeric and garam masala and cook for a minute before stirring in the crushed tomatoes. Bring to the boil, reduce heat to low and simmer for 5 minutes.

Add the lamb and salt, and stir to coat. Simmer for a further 15 minutes, or until cooked through. Add the potatoes and chicken stock, bring to the boil again, reduce heat to low and simmer for 45 minutes.

To serve, carve out the centre of the cob and fill with the curry and top with a sprinkling of coriander. And devour, eating away your feelings.


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Abbean Holmes Soup

Australian Survivor, Australian Survivor: Champions vs. Contenders (2019), Main, Side, Snack, Soup, TV Recap

Previously on Australian Survivor Luke and Abbey were playing the middle of the two duos, with the former unaware that everyone – but Abbey – was plotting his demise. When he took out immunity and saved himself, Harry pivoted and put the target back on to his nemesis JaQueen. This put Luke and Abbey back in the middle and try as JaQueen and Pia might, they were unable to swing them back to their side, and JaQueen was tragically beheaded. Not literally, but it felt hard to watch. As Janine is a bloody icon.

Back at camp Pia was disheartened to have lost Janine though explained to the tribe that as an award winning actress, she could tell that it was coming since they’re shit actors. Abbey was proud to make it to the final five, and have the chance to show the jury that she can pull off a big blindside in getting rid of Janine. And since she has grown to enjoy a cheeky blindside, looked forward to rolling Pia next. Which can’t happen as my heart just couldn’t take it.

The next day Harry was thrilled to have Janine’s scalp in his collection like a munted Hannibal Lector. The rest of the tribe lazed about – Abbey not keen on having another bean, don’t tell John – while Harry decided that Luke is the last person left that could beat him in the final two, and as such, needs to go. He pulled Abbey and Baden aside to lock in the vote against Luke, and then quickly lined up the back-up target of Pia should he win another immunity. Given they can all see that she was the mastermind behind the boss lady. Speaking of Pia she wasn’t feeling it after losing her island bestie, though focused on her family who she was fighting for. She then put a smile on her dial, pretended to be happy and got to work winning people back without them noticing that she is coming for revenge.

She knew that Luke was her best shot, so huddled with him in the shelter and assured him that she has no desire to vote him out and as such, is his best bloody shot at staying in the game. He assured Pia that she has nothing to worry about as he knows he will be booted the moment he doesn’t have immunity or an idol. As such he went searching for another idol and after days of meandering the jungle, finally spotted a clue hidden in the tree. It led him to the other end of the beach where another clue was hidden within a coconut. This in turn led him back to camp to grab a machete before heading back to the coconut where he learnt that he didn’t find an idol and instead, won the power to send someone out of tribal council before the vote which makes them safe and robs them of the right to vote. At the final five. Which is fucking huge.

My dear Jonathan and his guns of steel returned for the latest immunity challenge where everyone would stack dominos along a beam tethered to a trip obstacle, with the first person to stack their dominos and have them clang – is clang the right word? – into a gong snatching immunity. Harry and Abbey got out to an early lead, while Luke trailed closely behind. Luke dropped three blocks, followed by Harry dumping a bunch handing Abbey the lead, with Baden close behind. Everyone kinda caught up, while Abbey, Baden and Pia tried to respace their blocks to give them a shot at victory. Baden then knocked all of his off the beam, allowing Abbey the chance to snatch victory however she didn’t space hers enough bringing it down to a fight between Luke and Pia, with Luke actually snatching a record equalling individual immunity.

Back at camp Harry was super grumpy about Luke’s winning streak, knowing full well that he and his fake son don’t stand a chance against him in the final two. He and Abbey went for a walk to lock in the plan B to take out Pia, with Harry sure that there is no way she will win anything and as such, will not help them get rid of Luke. Baden joined the duo and they all locked in the plan, worried about getting caught and then straight up giving each other pinky promises under the watchful eye of Pia and Luke. Pia laughed about them clearly planning to vote her out, though vowed not to go down without a fight. Unaware that she was charming the shit out of her biggest hope.

Abbey caught up with Luke, completely unaware that he knows she is gunning for him and Pia. He assured Baden, Harry and Abbey that he was with them until the end, though he was hopeful that he would be able to swing something to save Pia. He approached her and promised that no matter how it looks at tribal council, to trust him and she will be safe. He told us that his plan is to send Baden back to camp and force Harry into turning on Abbey with him and Pia. Knowing they needed to lull her into a false sense of security, Pia and Luke approached Abbey to float getting rid of Harry. Pia said she would be putting her acting skills to use at tribal, Abbey was unaware of the plot against her and Luke was honestly so far down a rabbithole that he worried that he would end up blindsiding himself.

Again, like a fucking icon.

At tribal council Luke interrupted Jonathan’s praise of his immunity streak by standing up, handing over the note and immediately sending Baden straight back to camp. He exited in utter confusion, thrilled to make it to the final four but shocked about what will go down in his absence. Abbey and Harry were shocked about the turn of events, while Pia pretended to be disappointed that he didn’t choose to save her. Luke then started whispering to Pia, which made Harry and Abbey nervous, though Harry admitted that it is unlikely that Luke would leave his plan to the very last minute and as such, it was all for show. Jonathan tried to rub salt in their wounds about being left out, leading to Luke whispering to Abbey while Pia whispered that Harry was awesome.

Sensing his imminent doom, Harry started to burn everything down and told them all that Luke is in control and unbeatable. He then mentioned that there is one way that they can save themselves, unaware that he is only burning himself given Luke isn’t going to flip on Pia to keep a fellow immunity threat around. Pia reminded everyone that staying focused on Luke is forcing others to make stupid decisions, while Luke said that only one person needs to worry this tribal council and it is about time they take the garbage out. Pia admitted that she is kind of shocked to potentially making it through the tribal and Harry tried to remind everyone that he is not the biggest threat left in the game.

With that the tribe voted and Luke and Pia’s hail Mary plan worked perfectly, with Abbey voting Harry, Harry voting Pia and Pia and Luke banding together to blindside Abbey from the game. And impressing the hell out of the jury with their flashy move. While she was overshadowed by her former closest allies Pia and Janine’s dominant games, she formed one third of Australian Survivor’s answer to the Black Widow Brigade and that is something that makes me immensely proud. Particularly after she blindsided her childhood hero and one of the aforementioned closest allies slash queens. In any event, she did me proud and surprisingly I told her that, took her in my arms and gave her a clearly island appropriate bowl of Abbean Holmes Soup. Despite the fact she wished to never eat another bean.

 

 

Essentially flavoured just like a can of refried beans, this isn’t going to be something that everyone loves. But if you love refried beans like Ab (used to) and I, roll right up. Earthy, spiced and pack with simple charm, this baby proves that sometimes plain(ish) can be your favourite flavour.

Enjoy!

 

 

Abbean Holmes Soup
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
olive oil
2 onions, diced
2 garlic cloves, minced
2 tomatoes, diced
2 chipotles in adobo
800g canned pinto beans, rinsed and drained
1L chicken stock
1 tbsp thyme leaves
a small handful coriander leaves, roughly chopped
salt and pepper, to taste
100g queso fresco, crumbled

Method
Heat a good lug of olive oil in a dutch oven and place over medium heat. Add the onions and sweat for five minutes, or until soft and sweet. Add the garlic, tomatoes and chipotles, and cook for another couple of minutes. Add the pinto beans and cook off any excess liquid from the rinsing before adding the chicken stock. Bring to the boil, reduce to low and simmer for half an hour, stirring infrequently.

Once the liquid has reduced to be just under the solids, add the herbs and cook for a further five minutes. Remove from heat, season and blitz until smooth.

Return to the heat and cook for another five minutes, adding some extra stock if it is too thick. Serve, top with queso and devour through the tears of your life.

 

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Garlic Janine Halloumis Fries

Australian Survivor, Australian Survivor: Champions vs. Contenders (2019), Side, Snack, Street Food, TV Recap

Previously on Australian Survivor Daisy and Simon were sent to exile beach before facing off to return to the game, with the queen of green grass and rain exiting the game for good. After Luke took out immunity, Simon once again found himself as the target with Abbey, Luke, Baden and Harry planning to send him out of the game again. JaQueen and Pia weren’t so keen on that idea however, trying to woo Simon and the Contenders to their side to take out Abbey instead. When it became obvious that their backs were against the wall and the plan was a bust, they joined the rest of the tribe to send Simon out of the game. Unanimously. Again.

The next day the tribe awoke to wish Pia a happy birthday before reminiscing about what she would normally do on her birthday. She then spoke about how hard the game has been and how much she has missed her family. She then wrestled with Harry to celebrate and vowed to overcome the overwhelming minority she has found herself in since Abbey flipped the script on her and JaQueen.

Abbey, Pia and Luke then went fishing together while the latter regaled us with tales of how far he has come in the game and most importantly, how proud of himself he is. He then welled up and honestly, swoon – he is too pure for this world. And that is before he even mentioned his daughter having cystic fibrosis. We then checked in with Harry who reiterated that he is a cockroach before he and Baden caught up to come up with their next plan, deciding to join with Pia and JaQueen at the next tribal council and take out Luke. Speaking of JaQueen she shared that she signed up for Survivor to challenge herself and honestly, she is just a bloody icon. She then reminded us that while she is now on the bottom of the tribe, she believes in herself and Pia to make it through. Speaking of Pia, she was still out fishing with Abbey and Luke, charming the shit out of them and looking for another in while JaQueen approached Baden who floated the idea of joining together to get rid of Luke.

My boy Jonathan arrived for the latest immunity challenge where the castaways would need to untangle themselves from a rope that is looped over a log, crossing a balance beam, tossing sacks to release a key and unlocking themselves and, wait for it … solving a puzzle. Luke and Abbey got out to an early lead while Harry looked to be nearing a heartattack which honestly, is not something I want to witness on TV tonight. JaQueen started to chastise herself as Luke and Abbey started to navigate the balance beam, with the AFL champion snatching the lead. Well until Luke proved more adept at tossing sacks. Luke started solving his puzzle while Abbey tried to close the gap and the rest of the crew slowly made their way to the sack tossing portion of the game. Harry joined Abbey and Luke on the puzzle, with JaQueen and Baden soon following. While Harry desperately tried to close the gap, Luke started to panic before getting his eye in and snatching immunity for the third time.

And unwittingly blowing up everyone’s plans.

Back at camp Abbey was the only person that wasn’t completely bummed that Luke had won yet another immunity challenge. JaQueen quickly pulled Baden and Harry aside to flip the vote on Abbey instead, given she is the next biggest challenge threat. Sadly for her Harry was more interested in targeting her instead, so pulled Abbey aside with Baden to float booting JaQueen instead. The boys then mentioned that Janine and Pia had suggesting voting her out to try and seal the deal, however, that only seemed to make her less likely to join them. Abbey then took the intel back to Luke and mentioned that she caught the girls getting frustrated after he won immunity, and while they agreed they need to stick together, they weren’t sure which duo to side with. We then returned to JaQueen who told us that her and Pia have no intention of siding with Harry and that their plan is actually to reconnect with Luke and Abbey to get rid of Baden. Which everyone agreed on as he stumbled upon the scene.

At tribal council Harry spoke about the likelihood that a Champion will take out the game, though did vow to fight until the very end. Baden praised them for staying tight and holding firm on their Champion strong mantra. JaQueen spoke about how tight their group remains and how she wants one of them to take out the game. Preferably her. Harry tried to pitch that the Champions who feel most likely to be blindsided should join him and Baden to make a move first. Abbey spoke about the generic confusion of the game, unsure which side was telling her the truth and she should trust moving forward. Baden continued to point out that it is always better to make a move sooner rather than later, rather than regretting their choices from the jury. Luke and Abbey spoke about the safe option sometimes being the smartest.

Harry was disheartened, Pia mentioned that making a move at the wrong time was just as bad as not making one while Luke mentioned that the vote ahead will be straightforward and simple. With that the tribe voted and it turns out that the vote was straightforward for Luke and Abbey, as they flipped on Janine and Pia and sent the godmother from the game. While the tragedy of JaQueen exiting the game is something that I will carry with me for the next few months, I am grateful that we could honour her spirit with some Garlic Janine Halloumis Fries.

 

 

 

Now I know we’ve already experienced the majesty of haloumi fries in the Australian Survivor context – oh, hi Mark! – the addition of lemon and garlic is enough to give them a boost. Crisp on the outside, melt-in-your-mouth in the centre and packing a major punch of garlic, these are proof that you can always do better. Which I imagine is what Janine would remind us in a killer inspirational speech.

Enjoy!

 

 

 

Garlic Janine Halloumis Fries
Serves: 1 powerful CEO and her dear pal.

Ingredients
½ cup flour
2 garlic cloves, minced plus 2 extra finely sliced
½ tsp dried oregano
½ tsp chilli flakes
400g Halloumi Holbrook, sliced into long chip shapes and patted dry
vegetable oil, for fryin’
1 tbsp oregano leaves, roughly chopped
1 lemon, zested
salt and pepper, to taste

Method
Combine flour, garlic, dried oregano and chilli in a bowl.

Pour 2cm worthy of oil into a large pan and place over medium heat.

Once nice and hot, coat the haloumi in the flour mixture, shake off the excess and transfer to the oil to cook for a couple of minutes, turning once, until golden and crisp. Transfer to a paper towel and repeat the process until the haloumi is done.

To serve, combine fresh oregano, lemon zest and a good whack of salt and pepper and sprinkle over the hot chips. Squeeze some lemon juice and devour, hoping to work through the confusing trauma of losing one of our Queens at the hand of another.

 

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Sosie Bacon Jam

Condiment, Gravy, Sauce

Wellity wellity, look who is back for some Sunday sauciness! Wait, no, shit, like Patty Hogg, I’ve said too much, I’ve said too much. Let me backpedal, I was on the phone to my love Kev last weekend – it was Daddy’s day, after all – and my god-daughter Sosie yelled out to send her love and talk about how much she missed me.

After Kev and I were done letting each other know how much we love each other, I got him to put Sose on the line and told her to get out here and visit with me some time. Ten minutes later she told me the flights were booked and to get baking.

So obviously I have known Sosie for her entire life and as her godfather have always tried to help her out when she needed it. I then got her cast in the Scream TV show, in an HBO vehicle and opposite three of my boyfriends in 13 Reasons Why, so I think you would agree I’ve been quite successful.

I was feeling super nostalgic spending time with Sosie, so told her how proud I am of her ad nauseum. Before whipping her up a vat of Sosie Bacon Jam.

 

 

Sticky, sweet and with a gloriously salty kick, bacon jam is quite possibly one of my favourite things. Chuck it on a burger, a sandy, with some cheese, in a quiche, hell even a shoe Old Gregg style, I will eat it.

Enjoy!

 

 

Sosie Bacon Jam
Serves: 1-2 cups.

Ingredients
olive oil
500g streaky bacon, finely diced
1 onion, finely diced
5 garlic cloves, minced
⅓ cup bourbon
⅔ cup apple cider vinegar
¼ cup muscovado sugar
2 tbsp thyme leaves
salt and pepper, to taste

Method
Heat a small lug of olive oil in a large saucepan and cook the bacon over medium heat for about fifteen minutes, or until crispy, caramelised and straight up glorious. Add the onion and garlic and cook for a further couple of minutes.

Add the bourbon and cook the alcohol off for a minute before stirring through the apple cider, muscovado and thyme. Bring to a boil, reduce heat to low and leave to simmer, stirring semi-frequently, for 20 minutes, or until thick and sticky.

Season to taste and transfer to a sterilised jar. Or just eat with a spoon like a true member of the Bacon clan would.

It can keep for a week or so refrigerated, but I don’t think you’ll have any left over. Just sayin’.

 

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Steffi Potbrinkos

Main, Survivor South Africa, Survivor South Africa: Island of Secrets, TV Recap

Previously on Survivor South Africa Rob and Nicole had managed to successfully navigate the game while hanging on to their idols, while poor Jacques played his and then was beaten to the rehidden one by Laetitia, sealing his fate and sending him from the game. Just ahead of the family visit. Laetitia continued to rise to power, bringing in the women to form the newest black widow brigade. Until she told Rob about her idol at the family visit with Steffi. Meanwhile Nicole was seething to have missed out on family visit, leading to Rob feeling super nervous at tribal if he didn’t have immunity. While Mike tried to flip the game at tribal council, the amigos outplayed him and sent him from the game.

Back at camp Durao was feeling pretty salty, finally realising that Rob is someone that he shouldn’t have placed his trust in. Sensing drama Rob tried to talk about how hard the lying is on everyone, before sharing with us he is still loyal to Nicole and Steffi. Speaking of Nicole and Steffi, they were joining up with Laetitia to lock in their final three deal. Laetitia spilled the tea about her idol, leading to Nicole finally fessing up that she is also the proud owner of an idol which she assured Steffi that she always planned to use it for her. Nicole then reminded us that the key to their success in moving forward together is making sure that they never speak of it again to avoid making Rob feel nervous and you just know that is going to backfire on them.

The next day the tribe lazily tended to camp, counting down to the end of the game with Steffi reiterating that Durao can not be looped in on the Rob plan given he runs his mouth at the drop of a hat. She and Laetitia then caught up by the well, with Laetitia questioning why Nicole kept her idol a secret from Steffi and whether she is legitimately loyal to them. Speaking of Nicole, Rob approached her to apologise for leaving her out of the family visit and she pledged her undying loyalty to him and assured him that she wants him to shine and hot damn, is she being serious? In any event, Rob couldn’t see any issues for his game and that is making him nervous. Which makes me feel like we’re screwed with a boring endgame.

Nico arrived to add some intrigue to the proceedings with the latest reward challenge where everyone would need to balance a goblet on the end of an ever expanding pole to see giant bats, which sound fucking terrifying, and a boozey picnic, which sounds glorious. After adding five lengths of pole Steffi found herself the first person eliminated, quickly followed by Laetitia and Durao who just couldn’t keep it up. The sixth segment proved to be Nicole’s undoing, handing Rob yet another victory. He then sent Laetitia to the Island of Secrets before Nico gave him the opportunity to share the reward with one person, opting to take Nicole as a peace offering for her missing the family visit.

On reward the duo quickly smashed all the hot dogs and chips that they could fit before once again pledging their loyalty to each other, with Nicole reassuring us that she is all in on the girls alliance. She then made a misstep however and told Rob that last night she told Steffi and Laetita about the idol JIC he overheard their plans to get rid of him. Rob then spoke about the spectacle of everyone playing their idols at the next tribal council, with Nicole desperately hoping to convince Rob that it would be more impressive if they were to all pull out their idols at the final three and gloat about beating everyone without needing them. And while it is a terrible plan to mock the people voting for you to win, it seemed to work and kept Rob happy.

Laetitia arrived at the Island of Secrets to discover that she had been gifted a vote nullifier which lasts until the final four, filling her with hope that the girls will make it to the final three together as long as Nicole keeps her mouth shut. Meanwhile back at camp Steffi was worrying about not blindsiding Rob sooner, breaking down that she thinks she has completely blown the game for herself. She and Durao then bonded over some chicken, hugging out their differences and trying to find some common ground.

The next day Steffi was feeling more confident about executing the perfect blindside on Rob, taking the glorious sunrise as a sign that they will succeed. Nicole too was feeling desperate to take out immunity, terrified that Rob will snatch it and ruin their plan while Rob was desperate to make sure Durao doesn’t win. As such Nico appeared for the immunity challenge where the five castaways wandered around a maze to find five bags of puzzle pieces, before returning to the start and solving the epic tower puzzle. Rob and Durao were neck and neck out in front, with the ladies all close behind. Rob started to edge ahead, with everyone but Laetitia vying for second place. Rob and Steffi dropped their third bags as Laetitia arrived with her second, as Rob continued to extend his lead. Durao and Rob started on their puzzle first, with Steffi and Nicole desperately trying to close the gap and Laetitia meandered around to find her final bag. Nicole closed the gap on the first layer of the puzzle, though struggled with the second and allowed Rob to pull ahead and snatch immunity yet again.

With their plan in tatters, Steffi decided that getting rid of Durao is their only shot. Rob was blissfully unaware about their planned deceit, looking forward to go to the end with his amigos. Steffi pulled Rob, Nicole and Laetitia aside to discuss the idea of everyone walking in with their hidden immunity idols hanging from their necks to show how loyal they are to each other. Laetitia then lied about her trip to the Island of Secrets and wisely said that she got nothing, though that made Nicole nervous that she was lying given the island always gives you something. Nicole then said that she needs to focus on making decisions that serve her and nobody else. She and the girls caught up, with Laetitia continuing to stay silent before they agreed that voting out Durao is their only option. NIcole then decided to approach Rob, while Laetitia used the time alone with Steffi to tell her about the nullifier and pledge their undying loyalty to each other.

Nicole then destroyed any chance of us experiencing joy, telling Rob about the women’s alliance and throwing all the blame on Steffi. She then complained about Steffi not celebrating men that support strong women, and suggested that the two of them go to Durao to come up with a plan B. And honestly, Nicole is psycho and I don’t know whether I like her cold-hearted gameplay or am terrified of her. She then reassured us that she trusts Rob and needs to eliminate Steffi, the threat, when she can. Unaware of his last minute reprieve, Durao lamented to Rob about his upcoming boot before Rob assured him that something may be in the works to keep him safe.

At tribal council Rob spoke about winning immunity only being to keep it out of someone else’s hands. Durao reiterated how out of the loop he has been all game, unaware that it makes him look stupid in front of the jury. He then outed the alliance and said that in all likelihood he is going home tonight and given Laetitia is unlikely to win the final immunity, she will be next. Queen Laetitia ignored his shade and said that the game is full of unknowns and it won’t change until the end of tribal council. Steffi spoke about how much she trusts in her fellow amigos, which didn’t seem to bug Laeitia who assured Durao that she too is an amigo. Much to the confusion of the jury, who don’t understand why nobody is making a move against the amigos. Rob spoke about the depth of their trust and told Durao and Laetitia that it will not be broken. Rob then got biblical, shading Durao for breaking trust and pointed out that it is going to come back to bite him. Nicole then jumped on the Icarus metaphor and hot damn, they are being nasty about turning on Steffi aren’t they?

With that the tribe voted before Nicole set off the fun with the idols, pulling her’s out and playing it for Durao for being a strong man. Rob then played his for Nicole, leaving a shocked Laetitia to play hers for herself leaving Steffi as the only person eligible to receive votes. And receive them she did, getting two votes while Durao’s two and Laetitia’s were all nullified.

Steffi was pretty gutted to find herself betrayed by Nicole and not taking a shot at Rob sooner, though was glad to have made it as far as she did. And to go out in a brutally memorable way. I mean, getting Cirie’d as punishment is a level of petty I aspire to. But anyway, I told Steffi that while I was annoyed that she was swept up in Nicole’s sanctimonious ways, I am proud that she eventually tried to take a shot at Rob and that is enough to earn a piping hot Steffi Potbrinkos.

While a stew isn’t anything flashy, there is no denying that they are one of the true great sources of comfort. And with chicken that melts in your mouth and a tonne of veggies, this one is damn near perfection. Add in the wine and you’ve got the perfect recipe to dull the post boot pain.

Enjoy!

Steffi Potbrinkos
Serves: 6-8.

Ingredients
2 tbsp olive oil
2 tbsp butter
2 onions, diced
6 garlic cloves, minced
250g streaky bacon, diced
1kg chicken breasts, diced
1 carrot, peeled, halved and cut into half-moons
4 sticks celery, sliced
1 cup chicken stock
1 cup white wine
3 zucchinis, cut into 2cm discs
250g mushrooms, sliced
250g baby corn
10 sage leaves
2 tbsp thyme
250ml cream
salt and pepper, to taste

Method
Place the oil and butter in a dutch oven over medium heat and once foaming, add the onion and garlic and cook for five minutes or until soft and fragrant. Add bacon and cook for a further couple of minutes. Add the chicken, carrot and celery and cook for a couple of minutes before adding the stock and wine. Bring to the boil, reduce to a simmer, cover and cook for an hour. Stirring infrequently.

Once the stew has reduced slightly, bring the heat back up and add the zucchini, mushroom, corn, sage and thyme and cook for a further 15 minutes, or until the liquid is pretty much gone. Reduce heat, stir through the cream and season with a good whack of salt and pepper, and cook until warmed through.

Serve immediately with a generous mound of fresh bread. To sop up the stew and your tears.


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Pizzara Frillips

Pizzara Frillips

Side, Snack, Street Food

Let me just tell you, one does not know how much Zara Tindall née Phillip’s visit meant to me. And boy does she know how to troll her cousins, which makes me even happier to call her a dear friend.

I arrived at Brisbane Airport driving a Tesla, as per her request, and picked her up from the pick-up zone of a genuinely commercial flight to avoid getting a ticket from the parking machine, to reduce adding to the burden of recycling plants. We then laughed the entire way back to our apartment, knowing that if her environmental heroics surface the very same week of Harry and Wills’ plane faux-pas, she will come out on top.

Shit, she made me promise not to say anything. Can you keep it between us?

In any event, it was such a treat to get to spend a little bit of time with Zars and fondly look back on our time spent together in our youth, when we would compete against each other in dressage events and tut-tut at the epic fails on the polo match.

Sadly at all those cultural events, we never got the chance to relax and gorge on food that we loved so it was a total joy for the two of us to get together and smash some like we would while attending the Gordonstoun School.

 

Pizzara Frillips

 

While we both grew up enjoying the finer things in life, we still know that there is nothing more enjoyable than some crunchy fries dirtied up with some pepperoni, napoli and tonnes of cheese. I mean, it doesn’t get any better than this.

Enjoy!

 

Pizzara Frillips

 

Pizzara Frillips
Serves: 2 regal chums.

Ingredients
1 batch Jud Beerza Battered Fries
olive oil
1 onion, roughly chopped
3 garlic cloves, minced
1 tbsp oregano, roughly chopped
1 tbsp parsley, roughly chopped
1 tsp thyme, roughly chopped
1 cup passata
pinch of raw caster sugar
salt and pepper, to taste
200g pepperoni, sliced
1 cup mozzarella, grated

Method
Cook the fries as per Jud’s instructions.

While they’re getting hot, heat a lug of olive oil in a saucepan and sweat the onion and garlic for a couple of minutes over medium heat. Add the herbs, passata, pinch of sugar and a good whack of salt and pepper. Bring to the boil, reduce heat to low and simmer for five minutes.

To assemble slash serve, place the fries in a bowl, top with sliced pepperoni, a generous heap of sauce and an even more generous mound of mozzarella.

Then devour, messily, full of joy. And pomp and circumstance too, obvi.

 

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Some Chicken Rossage Clarke-Rolls waiting to heal Ross Clarke-Jones after his tragic injury on Australian Survivor.

Chicken Rossage Clarke-Rolls

Australian Survivor, Australian Survivor: Champions vs. Contenders (2019), Main, Snack, Street Food, TV Recap

Previously on Australian Survivor after burning himself and then his idol at two back to back tribals, Harry was feeling the heat and again focused on the Ben Driebergen strategy of finding idols until the end. Thankfully we were put out of our misery and distracted from the horrible memories of Chrissy’s robbery with Jonathan lording of the reward challenge for parmas which made John smile so brightly my basement flooded. Once again Andy struggled to get anything right, this time bombing throwing the immunity challenge as Baden single handedly beasted his way to winning the challenge, sending the Contenders back to tribal. Not wanting to rest on his second idol, Harry talked to Simon and Ross to see if they would be interested in flipping on JaQueen, Pia and Abbey and joining him and Matt to take control of the game. Sadly they weren’t interest however and after Harry played his idol, which made Janine nervous enough to play hers, poor Matt was voted out of the game.

The next day we checked in with the Contenders where Ross and the girls were thrilled to still be standing. Well sitting really, in the water as they washed themselves and relished island life. Ross then found a plank of wood which he used to attempt surfing on the reef and again, I love the man and get can’t enough of him on my screen.

We checked in with Camp Champ where they too were enjoying island life, fishing and swimming together on the reef and feeling grateful for everything they were experiencing. Andy too was loving it SA MUCH and damn, that sours things for me. They soon returned to camp where Andy continued to ruin my vibe, talking about the pain of not returning to tribal though was thankful that nobody realised. Right on cue we heard from Luke who knew that Andy’s attempt to throw the challenge were as subtle as a brick and as such, he wanted to take him down ASAP. Luke then dived into his spy shack as Andy tried to catch up with Baden, knowing that getting Baden on board is key to his safety given he single handedly thwarted Andy’s lame attempts at throwing the challenge. Luke then pulled Baden away from Andy and suggested that they will be a powerful duo as nobody would expect it.

Back at the Contenders tribe Harry was feeling all alone, surrounded by Champions while JaQueen continued to lament the pain of Harry still surviving. Ross checked in with Harry to find out whether his tears were real and was disappointed to find out his good nature was taken advantage of. Ross then joked about tethering himself to Harry to avoid him finding one, so the two goofed around as the rest of the tribe got together to hunt for the newly hidden idol. Which filled Harry with joy to have spooked them. With everyone otherwise ocupado, Harry approached JaQueen with a Hail Mary pitch to sell himself as the more helpful ally than some of her current options. She then businessed the hell out of him before agreeing that it is smarter for her to keep him around and hot damn, JaQueen is a bloody icon.

Jonathan arrived for this week’s immunity challenge where the tribes would race across a series of poles, tarzan swing across a gorge before tossing a monkey fist in a fork before using the ropes to traverse a balance beam. They then need to release puzzle pieces, build a stair ladder and light a fire at the top of the tower. After benching Andy immediately, Shaun got the Champions out to an early lead, while the Contenders slowly tried to close the gap thanks to Daisy struggling on the poles until she leaped into Shauns arms. Swoon. While the Champs started to swing across, Ross and Pia struggled on the poles allowing the Champions to extend their lead. Then tragedy struck as Ross clipped his leg while doing the Tarzan swing, fell into the ditch and started screaming in pain.

That is when I started sobbing uncontrollably. In the words of Countess Luann, don’t let it be about Ross. Anyone but Ross.

The challenge was stopped immediately as the medics were bought in as everyone stood around with a look of sheer panic on their faces. He was then carried off the challenge site by Jonathan to before the doctors decided that his injury was serious enough to warrant further medical assessment … before the challenge was restarted from where they were. Decidedly more sombre the tribes battled it out, as the Contenders desperately tried to close the gap. One by one the Champs landed their planks as the Contenders slowly made their way back into the challenge. Until they didn’t and the Champs got into their rhythm, climbing the tower, lighting their fire and securing immunity for their tribe.

The Contenders returned to camp worried about Ross’ injury and wondering what to do at tribal council, should it go ahead. The four former Champs speculated whether Harry could have found another idol, before JaQueen started weighing her options and wondering whether keeping Harry over Simon is the smarter move. JaQueen approached Pia who was keen to get rid of Simon instead of Harry with them then going to Abbey who was far less convinced about the idea. While she was getting emotional, Pia grew more and more sure that taking out Simon was the better idea as Harry is desperate and will stick with them to take control. JaQueen and Pia approached Harry who was super keen, with JaQueen only requesting his undying loyalty in return for them going out on a limb to keep him around.

As Simon wandered alone in his speedo, the new alliance of four sat around the shelter speculating about Ross’ safety. Before Ross was escorted back into camp on crutches by Jonathan, who announced that he had broken his ankle and as such such could not return to the game. The Contenders all started to breakdown, heartbroken to lose the life of the party before Ross encouraged Pia and Luke to go out and win this thing. The Champions were then wheeled over to camp so that they could farewell Ross and celebrate the bloody icon, as he hobbled away wearing Harry’s socks.

Before hopping – quite literally – into the back of the 4WD to see if he could finally have his culinary comfort. You see Ross and I have known each other for years, as I grew up surfing up and down the NSW coast from D’Bah to Bateau Bay, with Ross spotted my talent and taking me under his wing and coaching me. While I found myself too distracted by attractive men in speedos to ever get anywhere with my surfing, Ross continued to mentor me, I believe, because he loved that I paid in Chicken Rossage Clarke-Rolls. I mean, I could have paid him, but I am also very cheap.

 

Ross Clarke-Jones waiting to test whether Chicken Rossage Clarke-Rolls could heal him after his tragic injury on Australian Survivor.

 

These babies are so delicious and warming, that I’ve oft said that they have healing qualities and while that may seem opportunistic or convenient based on the tragedy that befell our King, the proof is in the pudding. Or sausage roll. Sweet, salty and melting in your mouth, these are the only things that will dull the pain of losing the icon of the game. Our new, literally fallen god, Ross.

Enjoy!

 

Ross Clarke-Jones testing whether Chicken Rossage Clarke-Rolls could heal him after his tragic injury on Australian Survivor.

 

Chicken Rossage Clarke-Rolls
Serves: 12.

Ingredients
olive oil
1 onion, diced
5 garlic cloves, minced
250g streaky bacon, diced
1 bunch shallots, sliced
1kg chicken mince
¼ cup panko breadcrumbs
1 tbsp chilli flakes
1 tsp maple syrup
1 tsp sage leaves, chopped
salt and pepper, to taste
6 sheets puff pastry, thawed and sliced into quarters
1 egg, whisked
¼ cup sesame seeds, for sprinkling

Method
Heat a good lug of oil in a skillet and sweat the onion and garlic for a couple of minutes, or until sweet, fragrant and translucent. Add the bacon and cook for a further ten minutes, or until its just starting to brown. Add the shallots, stir and remove to a bowl to cool completely.

Preheat oven to 180°C.

Add the chicken mince to the bowl with the breadcrumbs, chilli, maple, sage and a good whack of salt and pepper. Scrunch with your hands until well combined.

Divide the mixture into 24 and form into a sausage shape. Place a sausage along one edge of the pastry squares and roll to enclose, brushing the last centimetre or so with egg wash to close. Transfer to a lined baking sheet, seam side down, and repeat the process until done.

Brush all the rolls with the rest of the egg wash, sprinkle with sesame seeds and transfer to the oven to bake for half an hour or so, or until golden and puffed. Devour immediately, to fix your broken, Ross-less heart.

 

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Chickeke Parma Burger moments before Keke Palmer got her hands on it.

Chickeke Parma Burger

Burgers, Main, Snack, Street Food

I don’t even know how I am typing this during Ekka season, but I feel like a positive, renewed man that isn’t crippled by the conflict of his passion for a Snoop Daggywood Dog and fear of falling back in with the intoxicating world of carnies.

Which reminds me, me and my hands need to catch-up with Lee-Anne Locken ASAP. I mean, once a carnie always a carnie, I guess?

But anyway, I am positively loving life ATM and that is in no small part thanks to spending time with my dear, perky, hilarious friend, the iconic Keke Palmer herself. While I knew her way back when she was simply Lauren, I knew she was destined for greatness, quit my job as a High School drama teacher and became her manager slash coach.

Did I mention I was the inspiration for Mr. G? Well I was.

While I’m not at liberty to tell you whether she is legit joining morning television full-time, I can confirm that we had a delightful time catch-up, plotting a way to get a reboot of Scream Queens happening at Netflix – I need Stamos to show skin and I know they will help – and that she assured me that if she were going to morning television permanently, she would have me on as an entertainment reporter slash culinary wiz.

Say what you will about my culinary skills, a gorgeously gloopy Chickeke Parma Burger can prove very convincing to get what you need from your nearest and dearest.

 

Keke Palmer overjoyed about potentially smashing a Chickeke Parma Burger

 

Crisp, juicy chicken, sweet tomato sauce and a heaping pile of sharp parmesan cheese, if you didn’t think there was a way to improve upon a parma, you would sorely be mistaken. I mean, adding the bun and with it, the ability to eat with your hands without judgement? I’m a genius, I tell you. Even if I wasn’t really the first person to come up with idea.

Enjoy!

 

Keke Palmer overjoyed about smashing a Chickeke Parma Burger

 

Chickeke Parma Burger
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
4 Kirsten Bunst
4 Chicken Parmigina Gershon
½ cup Shayonnaise Swain
1 tomato, sliced
1 lettuce, leaves removed, washed and drained.
Jud Beerza Battered Fries, to serve

Method
Cook the buns and parmies as per Kirsten and Gina’s recipes, and make the mayo.

To assemble the burgs’ toast the buns and smear the insides with a little bit of mayo. Add a layer of tomato, then the lettuce, then the parma. Close the burger and serve with fries, devouring immediately.

 

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