Previously on Australian Survivor seven iconic Aussies were marooned in the Samoan wilderness, alongside seven icons from around the globe for the ultimate battle. 25 years in the making. There were people calling themselves gods and kings, there were black widows and icons and some unknowns from smaller franchises, destined to become modern legends. From the very first moments, things were kind of wild as David approached South Africa’s Rob to form a cross tribal alliance at the very first challenge. Tragically for David, it didn’t go far, as after the World tribe lost the immunity challenge, Parvati tried to bond with Rob by telling him David mentioned wanting to work with him while filming DONDI (the month before). Which Rob tried to use to get rid of her.
Sadly for him, Parvati is a legend and gave a dominating performance at the first tribal council and showed him the door. Though did kind of spoil DONDI for poor Lisa.
The Aussies then went on a losing streak, and while Shonee was keen to snip George as quickly as possible, Kirby took control and led the charge against David. Then the tribe, minus Luke and Janine, joined forces to get rid of George. Which was kind of tragic, as this was George at his most likeable. A surprise double tribal saw Sarah and Cirie compete in a fire challenge for immunity, sending the Aussies back to camp, while World turned on themselves. Knowing it was him or Tommi, Tony went to town and target Parvati as the head of the women’s alliance, despite the fact Parv desperately wanted to keep Tony around as a shield. Like Rob before him, however, Parvati dominated him when under attack, sending him out of the game just before the merge.
To celebrate the merge, JLP hosted a sweet little auction, with Luke winning the power to boot someone without any prizes. Which he promptly used to send Parv back to camp, where a vote steal advantage was waiting for her. With both tribes split 5-5, it looked like it was going to be a tied vote, until the Sarah/Kirby feud reached its peak, leading to Kirby and Shonee to give us the shontent we were craving by aligning with Parvati and Cirie to send the model from the game. The international trio then turned things on Kirby and sent her out the door, before a wild double tribal council sent Kass and Tommi out the door back-to-back.
Lisa was the last one standing and tried to cause a little chaos, but when it didn’t work, tried to put in the work to set Cirie up a little better by pointing out to Shonee she should work with Parv and Cirie to get to the end. Sadly when it came down to five, Shonee lost immunity and the two duos decided to band together and send our best to never win from the game. After Parvati won her first final immunity, votes were deadlocked between Luke and Cirie before the worst history repeated itself and Cirie finished in fourth due to fire. Like her very first season.
Despite Janine and Luke putting up decent performances in final tribal council, it was clear that Parvati’s game was on another level this season. Completely. She walked into the game with a bigger target than two-time winner Tony, but was in control of every single vote and frankly dominated every aspect of the game. And given it was her third time at final tribal council, it was clear she was able to articulate it with ease. Which guaranteed her enough votes to finally jag her second win.
As she exited the final tribal council, I jumped into her arms and broke down in tears. Despite being a massive Sandra fan, I love them both equally and to now call them both two-time winners is frankly too much for me to take. She truly put on her best performance this season, and I am so grateful that she is the final person that JLP crowned before his tragic axing. And my final recipe on the blog, in the form of my Parvzerotti Shallow.
There is frankly no better way to wrap up the blog by officially killing off the Survivor Pizza Curse via a technicality. Essentially just a fried calzone, these little pockets fill me with nostalgia for childhood tuckshop pizza pockets. But a more elevated and grown up version, kind of like the masterclass Parv just put on 17 years later. Ugh, they are delicious, so just go make them before I cry.
Enjoy!
Parvzerotti Shallow Serves: 2 dear friends, one of whom just joined the Two-Time Survivor Winner club.
Ingredients 210ml warm water, about 38C 1 tbsp raw caster sugar 7g dry yeast 2 tbsp olive oil, plus extra for greasing 2 ½ cups 00 flour, plus extra for kneading 2 tsp kosher salt 225g mozzarella cheese 1 cup passata ¾ tsp dried oregano 75g salami, roughly chopped ¼ green capsicum, diced ¼ cup black olives, sliced vegetable oil, for fryin’
Method To start, combine the warm water, sugar and yeast in the bowl of a stand mixer and leave to get nice and foamy for about five minutes. Add the olive oil, flour and two teaspoons of the kosher salt, and knead using the dough hook on the lowest speed for 5-10 minutes, or until a soft dough forms. Lightly oil a large bowl and pop in the dough, cover with cling and allow to prove for an hour or two, or until doubled.
While the dough gets proving, combine the mozzarella, passata, oregano, salami, capsicum and black olives in a bowl. Form into 8 equal portions and pop on a lined plate and place in the fridge until you’re ready to cook.
When the dough has doubled, punch it back and split into 8 equal portions. Working one at a time, roll on a lightly floured surface until they form a smooth, springy dough ball. Pop on a lined baking sheet and repeat the process until they are all done.
Working one at a time, use a rolling pin to flatten into a 15cm wide disc. Pop a portion of filling in the centre, and fold the dough in half, pleating the seams together to form a semi-circle parcel. Repeat the process, placing them on the lined baking sheet as you go.
When they’re all ready, pop an inch of two deep worth of oil in a dutch oven and heat until it reaches about 180C. Once hot, fry the panzerotti two at a time for a minute or so, before flipping and cooking for a further minute. Transfer to a wire rack and repeat the process until done.
Leave to rest for five minutes, before devouring like an icon. In honour of redemption, JLP and all the celebrities that have graced the pages of the interwebs before us. Even the two that asked for their recipes to be pulled xx
Oh, and thank you for the support – it has been a blast!
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Previously on Australian Survivor Luke faced off against the individual immunity challenge that cost him his spot in the last game. You know, the one that Janine dominated alongside the iconic Pia Miranda. But I digress. Feeling safe, Luke approached his ride or die Janine and pushed hard to get rid of Lisa, given it would force Cirie to stick with them and Parvati moving forward. As that was happening, Cirie and Lisa were busy catching up, heartbroken by the turn of events. Luke caught up with Parvati to further cement their trust, convincing her to rip up her advantage in the process. Before sending the forever reigning Queen of Survivor NZ out of the game with her second last bucket tick, having her torch snuffed. Assuming her last is voting for the winner.
The next day the tribe was delighted to have made the final five. None more so than Parvati, given she had a final four deal with Cirie, Luke and Janine and still had an idol in her pocket, should things go south. The latter joked about wanting to win immunity to guarantee some praise from her sons this season, with Shonee telling everyone that she’d also love a win before she goes. As she washed off, the remaining four hung around the shelter and spoke about the importance of guaranteeing Shonee does not win immunity. Talk turned to idols, with Parvati joking about how much glee she will take to play hers that night. Either for her orCirie.
Cirie and Parvati caught up and spoke about how grateful they were to be reunited after 17 years, with Parvati desperate to head to the end with Cirie and make up for the surprise final two in Micronesia. As they were reminiscing and being the best, Luke and Janine were busy pledging their undying loyalty to each other and while their first option is to go to the end with the Americans, they planned to pull Shonee aside to convince her that the plan is to get rid of Cirie. While I kind of assumed that Janine was playing the season to help Luke win, she caught up with Parvati and told her that they are solid in their final four alliance, but when it comes to four, her preference is to go to the end with the girls. And THIS is why I love Janine.
Shonee finally made a meaningful appearance as she told us that her best shot making it to the end is to join with Parvati and Cirie. Her first step was to catch up with Parvati and Janine, effortlessly getting Janine to talk about how successful she is and share that she routinely does keynote speeches – aka, would be great in front of a jury – while Shonee joked about her biggest fear being public speaking. And hot damn, is Shonee actually going to pull off a miracle and get out of this mess without even winning immunity?
Speaking of which, Jonathan arrived for the final five immunity challenge where they would use a pole to carry a monkey fist through obstacles before crossing a balance beam and using the monkey fist to release a second balance beam. Finally, they would walk through a trip obstacle to build a tower of blocks on a wobbly table at the end. Luke got out to the earliest of leads, with Shonee calmly nipping at his heels, followed by Parv, Janine and Cirie. Luke dropped on the balance beam allowing Shonee to take over, until Luke closed the gap and landed the monkey fist on the first go. Giving him a nice lead placing his blocks. When Parvati caught up with Shonee, Shon used it as an opportunity to float them going to the end together and uniting the eras. This gave her the motivation to make it to the final obstacle, as she worked overtime to close the gap with Luke. Parvati joined them just as Luke lost his stack, giving our Queen the lead and the space to take it slow and steady. The wind picked up and caused chaos, as Luke closed the gap while Shonee’s stack dropped. Parvati nipped at his heels, as he desperately tried to place his final block. Which he did, guaranteeing his place in the final four.
Seemingly dooming Shonee in the process.
Back at camp Janine was quick to congratulate Luke on his hat-trick, while Parvati seethed about him heading to tribal council with immunity and an idol. That being said, the final four all caught up and locked in their vote for Shonee and all seemed easy. Janine caught up with Parvati and Cirie without Luke, with the business icon fairly confident that Luke couldn’t lie and as such, he mustn’t have an idol. With Parvati hilariously telling her that she has a Survivor sense that maybe he does have one and suggested that she should go check. They caught up with him vehemently denying having the idol and when Janine gave up and let it go, they agreed to convince Shonee to throw a vote on Cirie to guarantee their safety.
Shonee meanwhile was confident that Parvati wouldn’t play an idol for Cirie this close to the end, and as such, decided that they needed to vote for her. Though she admitted to us that she doesn’t actually trust either Aussie, but can’t be choosy as to who she votes with as she is solo. She then caught up with Luke and asked whether he had an idol as he didn’t seem to actually care about his win. Sadly for them, this conversation occurred under the watchful eye of Cirie, who started to worry about what the Aussies could be planning. Particularly after Parvati dropped by to let her know that Luke has an idol and Janine doesn’t know about it, making them worry his plan was to play it for Shonee.
Luke and Janine were off washing the dishes, leaving Shonee to charm the US girls and joke about going to the final three together. She assured them that she is a lone ranger and as such, they can use her to guarantee their spots in the final three. Whereas should the duos go to the end together, they are likely to end up in a fire making challenge with the others. And she knows how shitty it feels to be in the final four with a bad set-up, and reminded them they need to play smart. After she exited, the Americans agreed that she isn’t wrong, however Cirie admitted to us that she would love to go to the end with Janine and Parvati, so is still voting Shonee.
Shonee then caught up with Luke, pointing out how close Janine is to the Americans and that going to the final four with them, he needs to win immunity to get to the end. After Janine reiterated to Parvati and Cirie that Luke definitely does not have an idol, she caught up with the Aussies, while Cirie spiralled about Luke doing something with it. As such, Parvati caught up with Luke, with him pretending he lied about having an idol to build trust and while Parvati joked that he tricked her, she admitted to us that she now wasn’t sure whether he was lying about the idol or not having one. While Luke told us that all the chaos has him thinking that maybe a wild play is the smartest and he should play his idol for Shonee and guarantee a loyal ally in the final four, rather than sticking with his alliance.
At tribal council Cirie admitted she wasn’t shocked that the final five were icons only, giving the entire merged tribe were icons in their own rights. And they likely would have eaten a goat if one was around. Luke spoke about needing to figure out who played a different game to his, given it would help him decide who to take to the end. After Parvati whipped out her idol, Luke pulled Janine aside and asked her to promise him that she will give him the opportunity to go to fire at the final four. And after she promised, he handed her immunity and pulled out his idol. Leaving Cirie and Shonee to feel mighty naked with no tricks up their sleeves. Parvati interrupted to let everyone know her idol is for both she and Cirie, and she intends to play it to guarantee they both make it to the end. With Luke pointing out that he could easily play his for Shonee too.
Janine admitted that she had no idea about Luke’s idol, but they have been aligned from Day 1, so isn’t concerned. Cirie agreed that the Aussies being up looked bad on paper, but she was confident in the trust she has built with them. While Shonee reminded everyone that as a loner, she is the perfect person to take to final four to guarantee them a place in the final three. Before Cirie, shockingly, suggested that this game is about proving that trusting people can get them all to the end. This spooked Luke, who started to whisper to Parvati whether everything is the same and while she assured him it was, he clearly looked ready to vom a little bit.
With that the tribe voted and while Luke was absolutely torn about what to do, he ultimately played his idol for himself as Parvati played hers for herself – well technically, they played them for each other but same same, no? – as poor, sweet, iconic, legendary Shonee was felled just before the finale. Breaking the heart of every Australian.
She followed my heaving, guttural sobs all the way to the Jury Villa where I pulled her in for another heartbroken hug. Given this is our fourth rodeo, Shonee knows exactly how to make me feel better, as that is yapping and being an icon. Something she does effortlessly. Just in case it isn’t a fact universally acknowledged, Shonee is indisputably the greatest Australian Survivor player to never win and as such, takes the number one slot in our Mount Rushmore. I mean, she has never gotten lower than a single digit and arguably could play 1000 times, and always make a deep run. Because she is likeable, funny and incredibly smart. But it is the first two which make her successful, because sometimes just wanting to be around someone is enough to dull the pain when you’re living in the jungle. As powerful as dulling the pain as a bowl of Shonudi Bowtell.
I had hoped this glorious recipe would be one dedicated to marking her victory, because honestly, it is just so damn good. Soft, pillowy gnudi pairs perfectly with the earthiness of the sage and salty goodness of the bacon. Making this perfect for a busy mum slash icon.
Enjoy!
Shonudi Bowtell Serves: 4.
Ingredients 375g smooth ricotta 50g parmesan, finely grated, plus extra to serve 2 eggs salt and pepper, to taste 150g flour, plus extra for dusting 4 rashers streaky bacon, diced 80g butter 12 sage leaves 1 tsp chilli flakes
Method Combine the ricotta, parmesan and eggs in a bowl until smooth. Slowly stir in the flour, along with a good whack of salt and pepper, until a sticky dough forms. Adding extra flour one tablespoon at a time.
Dust some flour on a flat surface and knead the dough until combined. Divide into four, and roll each into a 2cm wide sausage. Cut each sausage into 2cm pieces, getting about twenty per sausage. Plan on a lined baking sheet and leave to rest.
Get a pot of water on the stove to boil, and pop a skillet over medium heat.
While you wait for the water to do its thing, cook the bacon in the skillet until golden and crisp. Remove to drain on some kitchen towel. Add the butter to the pan and cook for a further few minutes, or until it starts to foam and turn golden. Add the sage and chilli, and cook for a minute or so, or until the sage is crispy.
By this point, the pot of water should be boiling. Working in four batches, cook the gnudi for a couple of minutes, or until they float to the top. Using a slotted spoon, transfer the gnudi to the butter and continue cooking until they are all done. Toss the gnudi and bacon through the butter mixture, and serve slathered in extra parmesan. Before devouring, like a GOAT.
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Previously on Australian Survivor JLP decided to gag the tribe after an extremely chaotic tribal council by announcing that he would be making things even more wild, as they would be voting a second person out of the game. As has become an Australian Survivor tradition, he escorted the tribe outside of tribal council where another immunity challenge was set up, requiring them to steady a table with a rope and walk back and forth to balance five balls on top. And while I’d love to say it was an exciting challenge, Luke easily won immunity. Back at tribal council everyone returned their attention to Tommi, as the one leading the charge against Parvati mere moments ago. Bless her though, Lisa tried to quit to save him however upon finding out she would be booted from the jury and the vote would proceed no matter what, she stayed in the game as the Aussie and US coalition stuck together to get rid of the otherTommi of Finland.
Back at camp everyone was completely shellshocked by the absolute drama of tribal council and the fact that Lisa is now the last international standing. She meanwhile was a little bit confused about what happened, telling the women that Tommi told her to get rid of Parvati at the first tribal council and that she was never actually going to vote her out, and was just put into the middle of the drama. Which Parv, clearly, didn’t really believe, leaving poor Lisa well and truly on the bottom. Though seeing her fire up and vow to torch everything to the ground was frankly iconic and I am here for it. While Luke and Janine assured Parvati they weren’t lying and are now with her until the end.
The next day Lisa was leaning into her place on the bottom of the tribe, serving melancholy loner for the cameras, before promptly getting to work. Luke checked in with her, asking if she was the one that voted against him, with her hilariously admitting it was her and that she did it because he is the second biggest threat. Which he vehemently denied, given he has only voted twice in the entire game And both of those times were last night. She then told him that nobody in their right mind would want to take him to the end, particularly over her, and as such, he needs to play smart. Though when she admitted she would also not take him to the end, he reminded her that that is why he wants her gone.
Luke shared with us that his ideal final four is with Janine, Cirie and Parvati, as he wants to face off against the best. He caught up with Janine who agreed with the plan, as the duo agreed they were well and truly ready to send Shonee to the jury if Lisa wins immunity. And Luke would be sleeping between Lisa and Cirie to make sure the perma-reigning Kiwi Queen doesn’t find a crack. As that was happening, Lisa, Parvati and Cirie were catching up, with Lisa trying to prove to Parvati that she actually had her back last night. And when Parv questioned why she never said anything until asked, Lisa avoided the question, reminding her that nobody actually wants to sit next to her in the end and anyone that says anything different is lying, as they have all talked about it. Except for Cirie and Luke, as the former is loyal and the latter believes he is in with a chance against her. With that last fact making Parvati realise that maybe, just maybe, Lisa was telling the truth.
Jonathan arrived for the latest immunity challenge, which proved to be triggering for Luke, as it is the one that cost him the game in Champions V Contenders II. You know, where they would run up some stairs and drop a ball into a track and race to the bottom to catch it and pop it back in at the top. Adding balls as they go until only one of them remains. It is kind of a boring challenge to write about, though, so let’s just keep it brief. Shonee tragically added her second ball way too quickly, though was able to save it. Well, for one round at least. Before she and Janine went out at the same time. The remaining four added a third ball, which immediately cost Lisa, while challenge beast Cirie Fields made it a few more runs before dropping in third. Luke and Parvati continued to be machines as they added a fourth ball, which promptly cost Parv, handing Luke redemption and immunity.
Back at camp Luke delighted everyone with tales about how heartbroken he was to lose the challenge on his last season, while Janine was just thrilled Tommi and Kass weren’t there to compete, as they definitely would have won. She then outlined that she and Luke are a duo, as are Parvati and Cirie with the other two as lone wolves. Janine pulled Luke aside to float the idea of keeping Lisa around and getting rid of Shonee, given she would win if she made it to the end. Luke calmly explained that while that makes sense, getting rid of Lisa would guarantee that Cirie won’t flip on them and that is the most important thing. Oh and then Janine reminded Luke that he voted her out in sixth last time, asking him not to do it again.
Janine caught up with Cirie and Lisa, telling them she went out in sixth last time and as such, she would like them not to do it again. Which Cirie shared happened to her during her last time, without a vote. Lisa then exited as Cirie regalled Janine about Advantageddon and ugh, I love this duo. Cirie admitted that she knew that getting rid of Lisa takes away all of her wiggle room, and that frankly scares her. Lisa meanwhile realised she is kind of screwed, so decided to focus her attention on setting things up better for Cirie after she goes. She caught up with Shonee who admitted she is not close with Janine and Luke, and as such, she would happily work with the World girlies to get rid of Janine if they were keen. And given Cirie loves Lisa, she just needed to figure out which way to go between Shonee and Lisa.
Luke meanwhile was nervous about what would happen at the next tribal council should he not be immune, so opted for a big move, pulling Parvati aside to lock in a final three. The first step being to tell her about his idol and the second, asking her to tear up her steal a vote advantage, given he believed it could be played if and when he needed to play his idol. And given her bluff worked so well, she was now kind of keen to choose chaos and steal his idol, instead of his goal of locking in a final three alliance.
Lisa pulled Cirie aside to talk through the vote, with the latter truly keen to go with her plan to work with Shonee and cut Janine. As that was happening, Luke started to panic about talking to Parvati and as such, he pulled her aside to try and fix the situation. Solely by talking about it again. Parvati asked whether anyone knew about his idol, with him assuring her it is their little secret. With him offering that she could rip up the parchment before or after tribal council, he doesn’t mind. Before immediately changing his mind and asking her to rip it up, and given she felt backed into a corner, she eventually agreed to rip it in half and give him one. Delighting him, given it means that he and Janine are kind of guaranteed a place in the final four now. While Cirie continued to debate which way to go, given she honestly just wanted to sit at a final tribal council and have the chance to pitch her game to a jury.
At tribal council Cirie spoke about the fact things had evened up between the Aussie and World tribes, and that it could impact the vote tonight. Luke pointed out that he had been playing the game from the bottom and that he would love to see how people would be able to play on the bottom, because that is where the magic happens. Janine told JLP that it is clearly not 3-3 and that different groups have been forming. And those groups have been coming a lot longer than people think. Parvati outlined that the World tribe clearly were out to get her and that she had to make a move, and that she is happy to let old alliances die to allow new relationships to form. And given Lisa was trying to blindside her, she is hardly keen to work with her again.
This gagged Lisa who told Parvati she was surprised that that was still something she believed. Sensing Parvatai was softening, Luke pointed out that he doesn’t know who Lisa would take to the end but he knows that Parvati definitely isn’t one of them. Nor him. And as such, he is willing to get rid of her to make space for someone that may. Which is logic that tracks with Cirie, though she cautioned it is equally as important to focus on who you can beat. Parvati joked about Lisa being too honest, with the latter agreeing, which fired up Janine, who felt like it wasn’t fair of her to decide when she was lying. While Shonee admitted she would gladly sit with anyone at the end as she just wants to make it and, like Cirie, get the opportunity to plead her case. Because she is ready.
With that the tribe voted and despite her best attempts to turn the tide, the tribe banded together to send the forever reigning Kiwi out the door. And while she was disappointed to have finally had her torch snuff, she was also delighted to have had her torch snuffed, given it is a bucket list moment. As such, she was feeling pretty good as she arrived at the Jury Villa. I pulled her in for a massive hug, thanking her for not only being a proxy for every superfan in the world, but also for owning the first episode and proving just how dangerous nerds like us can be. As dangerous as Vegetarian Lisagne Holmes is delicious.
I find that I am naively smug about every vegetarian meal because I believe that they are all healthy. And while I know that isn’t exactly true, it does make me feel better about eating a kilo of cheese in one sitting, you know?
Enjoy!
Vegetarian Lisagne Holmes Serves: 6.
Ingredients ½ butternut pumpkin, deseeded and cut into half centimetre slices 1 red onion, sliced 1 tbsp olive oil 400g ricotta ½ cup sour cream 2 tbsp pesto 6 garlic cloves, minced salt and pepper, to taste 6 fresh lasagne sheets 3 cups passata 2 cups baby spinach 500g haloumi, thinly sliced ½ cup mozzarella, grated
Method Preheat the oven to 160C.
Line two baking sheets and toss the pumpkin and onion through the olive oil. Arrange on the trays and allow to cook for half an hour, or until cooked through and starting to caramelise.
While that is happening, combine the ricotta, sour cream, pesto and garlic in a bowl with a good whack of salt and pepper.
To assemble, smear a quarter of a cup of passata on the base of a 2L ovenproof dish, and top with a couple of lasagne sheets, trimming to fit. Smear with a third of the passata, before layering with some pumpkin and onion, a layer of haloumi and topping with another lasagne sheet.
Spread half of the ricotta mixture over the top, followed by half of the baby spinach. Top with some lasagne, using offcuts to fill gaps, before smearing with another third of the passata. Layer with more pumpkin and onion, followed by the lasagne, the remaining ricotta, spinach and final sheets of lasagne. Pour the rest of the passata on top, and smooth to cover.
Layer the remaining haloumi over the top, sprinkle with mozzarella and transfer to the over to bake for 30-40 minutes, or until the cheese is golden and crisp. Allow to rest for five minutes before devouring, like a boss.
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Previously on Australian Survivor seven of the best Aussies were thrown into battle against seven of the best from around the globe, with us seeing big names go out back to back to back in the form of Rob, David and George. JLP then decided to spice up the Mother convention by switching things up with individual immunity for each tribe, as both tribes would attend the next tribal council. With Shonee months out from giving birth, she couldn’t jag victory in one of her signature challenges, leaving Sarah to take out victory for the Aussies. While all the internationals were still fighting until Parvati narrowly snagged victory for the World over Kass. Back at camp, Shonee found herself the Aussie target while the World tribe were torn between Tony and Tommi. At tribal council, Jonathan explained that one tribe would only be at tribal council temporarily, as a fire making challenge would decide which stays. Repeating history, poor Cirie was defeated, this time by Sarah, leading to an explosive World tribal council where Tony and Parv went to town, before the Black Widow felled the two-time champ.
And jagged the hidden immunity idol as everyone exited, even getting JLP to mind her torch while she looked.
Back at camp the new Black Widow Brigade were delighted to have survived tribal council, particularly one that was as wild and chaotic as Tony with his back against the wall. Parvati in particular was thrilled to have been able to jag the hidden immunity without anyone even noticing. Cirie was quick to remind them that while they were glad to see Tony go, she would still far prefer to be going into the merge with a 6-4 advantage, rather than being even with the Aussies. Though Kass didn’t really mind, given she, Tommi and Lisa had the power in their current tribe. And even though she knows she can’t trust Parvati long term, she will fight tooth and nail to stay in the numbers at the first merge vote.
Right on cue, the tribes met up with Jonathan the next day for a cheeky little auction, with a side of merge buffs because they have officially merged. Everyone dropped their old stinky buffs and popped on with their new ones, with Parvati immediately nervous about being the biggest target left with Tony gone. Shonee meanwhile was thrilled to be the first Aussie to make the merge four times in a row, even though she knew that the Aussies were intending to get rid of her last night, and as such, wants anyone to go except for Kirby.
JLP checked in with Lisa, who broke down about how excited she was to make the merge again. She didn’t really elaborate though, as the auction kicked off – sweet Tommi’s first! The first item was a scroll, with him quickly bidding all of his money. Kirby grew nervous and was going to buy in with rocks, and while she declined, Lukewas in. With the King of the Jungle coming out on top of the rock draw, opening the scroll in front of the merge tribe and learning that he just bought himself the power to send someone straight back to camp, promptly booting Parv and putting a massive target on his back. With her promising that it will definitely come back to bite him. She then counted down from 5 to allow him the chance to change his mind, however he didn’t, and just like that, an enemy was made.
With the iconic Black Widow alone at camp to simmer in her rage, JLP pulled out a rack of ribs and a beer which went to Shonee for $480. A heavy covered item went to Kirby for $500 after a bidding war with Sarah, which was revealed to be a big glass jar of popcorn. Similar to Ray’s famed one from Kirby’s OG season, which resulted in a massive advantage for the owner. Though seemingly had nothing this time. A club sandwich and a coke almost went to Shonee for $20, before Lisa jumped in and won it for $40. Another heavy, covered item went to Sarah which was a massive chocolate cake which she could not share. Oh and then it was over, just like that.
We followed Parvati back to camp where she was continuing to rage about Luke coming for her, feeling like he targeted her for being the biggest threat. Things quickly got better, however, when she found a massive jar of cookies, giving her the option to share them with the tribe or keep them to herself. With her grateful to keep them a secret. Well, until she tried to bury them and shattered the jar in the process. Though that did prove to be helpful, given an advantage was hidden amongst them, granting her the power to snatch someone’s idol at tribal council.
The tribe joined her just as she had finished disposing of all the evidence, allowing plenty of time for everyone to get to know each other. Tommi shared that he was hoping to get a win for Finland, while Luke wasn’t too concerned about making an enemy of Parv as the Aussies will stick together and have his back. Right on cue, we checked in with Kirby who was busy making friends with all of the World players. Luke then praised Cirie, while Parvati told Shonee she loves following her on Instagram, and honestly, this still feels like an absolute fever dream. Kirby finally caught up to Parvati, promising her that she is still keen to work with her, with the Black Widow pretending she is on the outs of her tribe and only survived because she was immune. Kirby assured her that unlike Luke, she isn’t scared of her, and wants to play with the best and as such, she wants to work with her and Cirie. With both of the US girls promising they were equally keen to work with her. Cirie threw out that she would love to work with Shonee, before Kirby said that is great, but she doesn’t think they can work with Sarah anymore as she is clearly threatened by the big players.
Kirby pulled Shonee aside to see how she was feeling about Sarah, with them agreeing that she clearly has no interest in working with them, and as such they were both keen to jump ship to Cirie and Parvati. Though Shonee cautioned that they need to make sure Sarah doesn’t get to them first. As such, we pivoted to Sarah telling Parvati that Kirby can’t be trusted and she doesn’t like threats and as such, they need to get rid of her ASAP. Parv and Cirie compared notes, realising that one of them was lying to them and while Parv wanted to work with Kirby – who she thinks is a Black Mamba – she got the vibe that Sarah’s story had more truth. Or at the very least, she was a mutual friend of David’s and mentioning him may have played into some biases. But I digress.
The newly formed Moorditj tribe met up with JLP for the first (true) individual immunity of the season – the iconic Last Gasp. Aka the one where they would each hold onto a grate in the middle of the ocean as the tide rises, with the last person left underwater winning. As the tide rose, the rain started to pour down, costing Lisa her place after just 10 minutes. She was quickly followed by Cirie, before Kirby and Parvati pulled the plug after 15 minutes, with Shonee not long after that. After 30 minutes the rain started to pelt down as a wild lightning storm raged around them. This cost Sarah her place, while the sitouts huddled under JLP’s platform and willed the challenge to just end. Which it did at 40 minutes, as the storm became too wild and production had to step in and send everyone back to shore as the lightning had started inching towards them in the water.
After the storm cleared, JLP announced that because they couldn’t finish the challenge, the four that were still in the game had two options. Agree to draw rocks for the necklace and one of them gets it, otherwise nobody is immune at the merge tribal council. And given it isn’t really a choice, they all drew rocks resulting in Tommi winning immunity. Technically.
They returned to camp just as the rain kicked back in, and while Tommi was delighted to be immune, he admitted that he definitely would have preferred to win it outright. Luke made jokes asking everyone to not vote him out, pulling Janine aside to come up with a plan to stick Aussie strong and take out Kass as the safest option. With that, they pulled Sarah and Shonee aside to float the idea, with Sarah begging them to say Lisa instead to safeguard around an idol play. While telling Lisa that Parvati was the target in the hope that she’d like to take out a massive threat and split from the World tribe. Speaking of Lisa, she was struggling to strategise, given the rain didn’t give them any opportunity to talk privately. Thankfully she, Kass and Tommi were able to make a run to throw out a plan, with World wanting to stick together and target someone that most of the Aussies wouldn’t want to go to rocks, settling on Janine. Which Cirie was equally keen on.
Sarah and Shonee caught up with Parvati and Cirie, with Sarah floating getting rid of Lisa. And while they all agreed, after Cirie and Sarah disappeared, Shonee lingered back with Parvati to give the public what they want, locking in an alliance and assuring us that she doesn’t care for the Aussies and is happy to take control. With Kirby joining them and throwing out Sarah’s name instead. And while Parvati was a little confused about Kirby turning on her former ride or die, she was also happy to vote out anyone that wasn’t her. Despite it being a massive red flag to blindside an ally. Cirie returned, happy to go wherever the numbers are, particularly after Shonee assured her that she would be down.
Cirie told us that all she really cares about is protecting the World tribe, so she looped in Lisa, Kass and Tommi on the plan, with the internationals concerned about doing whatever Kirby is saying because it could just as easily be a trap. Which Cirie agreed with, though pointed out that if Kirby is telling the truth and votes for Sarah, and the World tribe stick together, they can dictate who goes either way. Kirby meanwhile caught up with Luke and admitted that Parvati and Cirie are planning to go for Sarah, and she would be tempted to join them. Which panicked Luke, assuring her that when Sarah tries to turn on her, he will know and he will protect her, so she needs to hold firm with the Aussies for now. Finally, the Aussies came back together, agreeing to vote together and that they would be willing to go to rocks should they need to.
At tribal council Luke spoke about how hard it was to lose immunity due to mother nature, while Kass was excited they were all finally together. Despite hearing way too many names back at camp, begging the question, are the Aussies full of cracks or full of liars. Sarah meanwhile was just hopeful that the people she was speaking to were telling the truth. Kirby spoke about making new friends because it is a new game, and that they all should be looking at options if they want to make it to the end. While Janine reminded everyone how important tonight is at setting up the end game. Cirie suggested that it is less about choosing who to ride with and more about weeding out the toxic relationships. While Parv spoke about how desperately nobody wants to go to rocks, and as such, everyone has been struggling with the choice, given the OG tribes were even.
Shonee spoke about how great a merge is at saving people that were seemingly on the outs and admitted that she could be popular with the new people. Kirby spoke about the vote being about building trust, while Parv was happy to go to war with a rival alliance, should there be one. Lisa started to get spooked that the Aussies would play an idol for Sarah based on the conversations, with her, Cirie and Kass debating the merits of voting Kirby or Sarah, worried about the idol which is actually in Luke’s pocket and will only be played for him. With that the tribe voted and after three votes piled up on Janine, three landed on Kass before the rest came in for Sarah, sending her from the game as the Queen of the Jury.
Despite the heartbreak of finding herself booted from the game, the Aussie’s resident superfan took it in her stride, admitting that she didn’t play her best game this season and as such, wasn’t surprised Kirby turned on her. I pulled her in for a massive hug and thanked her for finally coming back to the game given, IMO, she was a glaring omission from every single returning player season we’ve had thus far. And while she was felled early, she more than proved me right. As such, we toasted her Mother status as we smashed a big ol’ Schnitzzarah Tilleke.
While I think I cursed her on a technicality, this is so damn good – and massive, it was hard for her to hold a grudge. You could argue it is kind of a mega parmi, given it is simply a bunch of schnitzels pushed together to form a base, slathered in sauce and topped with pizza fixin’s – to quote Jeff. But whatever name you choose to use, all that matters is that it is delicious.
Enjoy!
Schnitzzarah Tilleke Serves: 2 former models slash best friends.
Ingredients 1 cup panko breadcrumbs 1 cup flour salt and pepper, to taste 2 eggs, whisked 2 chicken breasts, cut in half lengthways olive oil 1 cup Amber Marinara Sauce 1 cup mozzarella cheese, grated ¼ cup pineapple pieces 3 mushrooms, sliced ½ a capsicum, sliced ½ a red onion, sliced 3 tbsp olives, sliced shallots, to top
Method Preheat the oven to 180C, and place the breadcrumbs in a dish, the flour in another with a good whack of salt and pepper, and the eggs in a third. Working one at a time, dip the chicken in the flour, followed by the egg and finally the breadcrumbs to full coat.
Pop the coated chicken onto a pizza tray and press together to form a circular disc, and spritz with some olive oil. Transfer to the oven and bake for 30 minutes, or until crisp and cooked through.
Once the schnitzel is cooked through, remove from the oven and smear with the marinara sauce. Sprinkle a little bit of cheese over the top, before dotting with the pineapple, mushrooms, capsicum and red onion, before giving another generous sprinkling of cheese. Transfer to the oven to bake for a further 15 minutes, or until the cheese is golden and crisp. Sprinkle with fresh shallots before devouring, like the Queen that you are.
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Previously on Australian Survivor the tribes switched things up leaving four Brains and Brawn as the minority on their new tribes. After finally clawing the majority back on OG Brains, Myles and Zara were particularly disheartened to be with Laura and Max, who weren’t exactly their closest people. Meanwhile after losing the immunity challenge the new Brawn majority were chaos; Rich wanted Logan gone, AJ was happy to join him, though not vote her out and Logan was just annoyed to be voting someone out. The OG Brawns were not much better as Ursula’s feud with Noonan created more chaos and when Ursula wouldn’t vote for anyone else, the two tribes had to join together to take out Rich instead. While Ursula fired a warning shot at Noonan, for reasons.
The next day the new Brains tribe were miserable as their terrible shelter got inundated by rain. Thankfully this introduced us to Ben, who finally arrived on screen in Episode 8 to bitch about how shitty it was, before leading the tribe to pull together an epic shelter so they can actually get some rest. As Myles chatted away with him rather than helping. He then went to Jesse to talk shit about Max playing chaotically at their final OG Brains tribal council, and just giving them all the intel. Leading to Zara pulling Myles aside to beg him to stop flapping his gums and give them some secrecy so they could find a crack in the Brawns. As the girls seemingly came together over his madness.
Over at the Brawn, Kaelan was living his best life, living in warm, dry, luxury. AJ too was loving himself sick, given he got rid of Rich and won the hearts and minds of many. The one wrinkle being that Ursula is still there, but totally miserable. He pulled Kristin aside for a chat to figure out what she was thinking, with her pledging her undying loyalty, suggesting they need to get rid of Paulie as he is the actual threat. And ugh, I want to stan her, but don’t come for my Paulie. We then got a close-up on Kaelan’s nips as Noonan tried to make conversation with Ursula who promptly shut her down as they sat in silence. Knowing she and Paulie could be in danger, Noonan pulled AJ aside to gauge how he was feeling, with him obviously suggesting they get rid of Ursula ASAP. And that the two of them and Paulie will be the best of friends once they merge.
But realistically, AJ has all the power.
JLP made his triumphant return for the next immunity challenge, where they would hold onto numbered pegs dotted along the wall, while two people from the rival tribe would toss sandbags at numbered coconuts to remove the corresponding pegs. Brains knocked out a couple in their first round, while Brawn got none. Another three pegs dropped for Brains in the next round, while Brawn got nothing. Again. Brains knocked another two in the next round before Brawn finally got the single peg Zara was standing on, and took one out from Kate. Finally, it became a showdown as AJ’s strategy to focus on the footholds knocked Zara off the wall. Karin soon followed, as did Myles and Kaelan, tying things up. It was at this point, AJ suggested the Brains should just throw the challenge, given they have the numbers advantage, while Brawn is tied up and anything could happen if they go back to tribal council. Jesse and Ursula then dropped, as did Kristin and Logan leaving Paulie as the only hope, literally hanging there like Jesus. Until he was literally hanging on by a single peg for two rounds before he finally dropped, handing Brains immunity.
Back at camp AJ was positively buzzing for the vote ahead, pulling Karin aside to see what she was thinking, with the duo feeling they needed to split the rival duo of Paulie and Noonan up with the former being the bigger threat, rather than Noonan. That being said, AJ also wanted to get rid of Ursula ASAP, as she is immovable which is even more annoying to work around. AJ explained that keeping Paulie and Noonan around will also spook the OG Brawns over at Brains into thinking they’re hostages and trick them into throwing some challenges. As AJ locked in Paulie and Noonan to vote with them to get rid of Ursula, Karin tried to woo Kaelan who put his foot down and said that Paulie is the one they need to deal with as Ursula will always upset someone, while Paulie is likeable. And since Logan was also in to take out a threat – noooooo – they just needed to convince AJ.
After Karin found a maggot in her food, we followed Paulie as he tried to convince Ursula that they can take control if she and Noonan stop coming for each other. As Ursula used the age-old excuse for targeting Noonan, being that Noonan came for her first. Noonan and Kristin joined in, with the OG Brawn agreeing to put it all to rest and convince the Brains to split their votes, so they can load their votes on Karin and boot her instead. With Ursula and Noonan apparently united, it was Noonan that flipped first, going to Karin and Logan to throw Ursula under the bus as the mastermind. And while it is suss, it could keep Paulie safe and as such, I stan. Karin, AJ and Logan caught up with Kristin and Paulie, with OG Brawn denying ever hearing about said plan. AJ obviously saw right through it, knowing the plan clearly came from Paulie. While Kristin told Ursula what Noonan did, instantly ending the truce. For good.
The OG Brains tried to make a decision who to get out as Noonan dropped by to find out what they were planning, leading to Ursula dropping by and blocking her from making any inroads. The Brains were worried that Ursula’s unpredictability was more dangerous than Paulie’s likeability, so locked in the plan and thankfully decided to keep Paulie. Just as he dropped by to check if he should be worried. AJ then went to each Brawn duo to tell them the Brains were split in their decision, so they would be able to decide who to vote for at tribal council. He then straight up clocked one of Noonan or Paulie had an idol, and told them if they did have one, he would signal for them to play it if needed.
At tribal council AJ said that the old tribes are dead to him, though his plan was to create the optics of hostages in the OG Brawn to force the new Brains tribe to throw challenges. This was a surprise to his allies, as Kaelan suggested he just wanted to win some challenges, while Karin shut it down, wanting to make friends rather than force people into being friends in a non-consensual way. Paulie meanwhile was keen to play hostage for AJ, if it saves him, while Ursula had no intention of playing hostage and doesn’t see any of the Brawn throwing a challenge. Ever. Karin meanwhile pointed out that they may have to throw challenges, though, if they want an advantage at the merge.
With that the tribe voted, Paulie held onto his idol despite a look from AJ, and everyone except Kristin came together to boot Ursula from the game. As Ursula arrived at Loser Lodge, I pulled her in for a massive hug and applaud her on navigating her feud with Noonan as long as she could. I mean, sure, both of them could have not been petty and worked together for their own goods, but you see, I’ve known Urusla for years as she went to school with my cousin. And I was the one that taught her everything I know about pettiness. As such, it was kinda my fault, so I glossed over it as we shared a comforting Lemon Chicken Orzula Rose.
Lemon, parmesan and chicken are kind of like the holy trinity of flavours. And this gloriously tart orzo paired with this crispy, classier version of a chicken shnitty just proves it.
Enjoy!
Lemon Chicken Orzula Rose Serves: 4.
Ingredients ¾ cup flour ¾ tsp kosher salt 1 tsp freshly cracked black pepper 2 eggs 1 cup panko breadcrumbs ½ tsp garlic powder 1 cup parmesan cheese, grated 2 chicken breasts, sliced in half horizontally olive oil 1 tbsp butter 6 spring onions, sliced 6 garlic cloves, minced 1 cup orzo 2 cups chicken stock 1 lemon, zested and juiced ¼ cup double cream
Method Preheat the oven to 160C.
Combine the flour in a shallow bowl with half a teaspoon each of the kosher salt and black pepper. In another, whisk the 2 eggs, and another, combine the breadcrumbs, garlic powder and three quarters of a cup of the parmesan.
Dredge the chicken in the flour, then dip in the egg before coating in the cheesy breadcrumbs. Pop on a lined plate and repeat until the schnitzels are prepped.
Heat a good lug of olive oil in a large frying pan over medium heat. Once nice and hot, add the chicken and cook for 5 minutes, before flipping and cooking for a further five minutes. Pop on a lined baking sheet and place in the oven to keep warm.
Pop a lug of olive oil and butter in a large skillet over medium heat. Once melted and foamy, add the spring onions and garlic and cook for a minute before adding the rest of the pepper. Mix in the orzo and cook for another couple of minutes, before stirring in the stock and bring to the boil. Reduce heat to low and simmer, stirring frequently, for about 15 minutes or until cooked through.
Remove from the heat and stir in the lemon zest and juice, remaining parmesan and double cream until the cheese has melted.
Serve immediately, dividing the orzo between four bowls and topping with a piece of chicken. Before devouring, greedily.
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Previously on Global All Stars twelve queens, each from a different country, were brought together to find out which drag race franchise would reign supreme. Though, given it was judged by Ru and Michelle, the Ru girls were always going to have the upper hand, no? Thankfully the first two weeks were non-eliminations, allowing all the girls to shine and help us fall in love. Though it also made it harder to see them fall week after week.
From week one, it was Alyssa’s crown to lose, coming in with the energy of a winner and having Ru in tears of pride as she took out victory in the first challenge. She was kind and congenial, raising up her sisters and acting like the grand dame that she is.
Oh shit, I forgot to write a clunky sentence to link off to all the previous recipes! Sooo, after the back-to-back talent shows, the competition got real with Athena Likis becoming the Porkchop of the spin-off. She was soon followed by Miranda, Eva, Soa, Gala and Pythia. They then all returned for the makeover, which cost Vanity her place in the competition before Alyssa’s wannabe daughter Tessa was finally felled.
There, that’s better.
That left the final four of the threeRu girls, alongside sweet Nehellenia from Italia. And while the fact the Ru girls dominated could be called into question, the one thing that makes sense is a crown sitting on Alyssa Edwards’ head. And she served silliness, glamour and drama week after week and that is something I will always be grateful for. After finally claiming her crown, I ran into Alyssa’s arms and congratulated her on getting her flowers. She is such an iconic queen and as such, deserved something equally iconic to celebrate her win. Sadly we already did (back) sausage rolls, so she had to settle for a fiery Chorissa and Redwards Pesto Orzo instead.
I found this recipe on IG and instantly fell in love! Spicy, sweet and rich, it is the ultimate comfort food. The smokiness of the chorizo works perfectly with the creamy sauce, giving you that winning feeling, even if you don’t have a crown.
Enjoy!
Chorissa and Redwards Pesto Orzo Serves: 4.
Ingredients 2 chorizoes, diced 1 onion, diced 6 garlic cloves, minced 1 tbsp tomato paste 300g orzo 1L chicken stock 1 tsp dried oregano 1 tsp dried thyme 1 tsp dried basil 1 tsp chilli flakes ½ tsp dried parsley ¼ cup red pepper pesto ½ cup cream ¼ cup parmesan cheese, grated salt and pepper, to taste
Method Pop the oil in a dutch oven over medium heat and cook the chorizo for a few minutes, or until it starts to crisp and the oils start to come out. Transfer it to a bowl.
Add the onion to the oily pan and cook, stirring, for a few minutes, or until soft and sweet. Add the garlic and tomato paste, and cook out the flavours for a further minute. Add in the orzo and stir to coat before stirring through the stock. Bring to the boil, reduce heat to low and simmer until the orzo is plump and the sauce thickened.
Remove from the heat and stir through the herbs, pesto, cream and cheese, and return to the heat for a couple of minutes. Finally, stir through the chorizo – leaving no oil behind in the bowl – season to taste and devour. Like the Queen of the World.
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Previously on Global All Stars the top five were tasked with filming tourism ads for each of their mother countries. And given how this went on Down Under 2, this could go one of many ways. Given how close she came to beating Jinkx in the branding challenge on their OG season, Alyssa was a neurotic mess, yet iconic. And despite Kitty being far more entertaining, took out a bookend win. At the other end of the pack, Tessa was one note and Kween focused on her Down Under sisters, which was all it took to land them in the bottom. Where Kween kept the Ru girls together by mopping the floor with the iconic Tessa and sending her home. Tragically.
Backstage the top four were thrilled to have made it all the way to the end, with Kitty, Kween and Nelly all thrilled to join the two-time finalist club. Alyssa toasted Tessa and her madness, considering adopting her into the Haus of Edwards officially. Should she not annoy her on tour and embarrass the name. Alyssa started to break down, overwhelmed to finally make it to the finals after all these years. Nelly admitted that she had actually thought she was going to be the Porkchop of the season, so to make it to the end, she feels like she was finally able to prove that she is talented. After they all had a cry, Kween led them in a hearty fuck yeah and as such, all was ok.
And just like that, I’m back on the Kween train.
The next day the finalists were no less excited, with Alyssa thrilled to make it to the end without landing in the bottom and hoping that would help her get the crown. Nelly reiterated that she was never less than safe too, and as such, consistency could see her crowned. As much as she’d like to show off her lip syncing skillz at some point, TBH. A siren rang out before the dolls were cast to the side as the eliminated queens made their triumphant return. Again. This time to take the spotlight as they battle it out to be crowned the Global Lip Sync Assassin. And a cash prize of $50K.
Everyone split up to start beating their mugs as Tessa congratulated the finalists on making it to the end. Talk turned to who is primed to win today’s little title, with everyone agreeing Gala, Vanity and Soa would have to be the frontrunners. While Pythia joked she thinks she and Eva are the front runners to her. Talk turned to how they would spend their money, with Miranda spending it on her family, Tessa and Athena would move out – and the latter would pay for her brother’s transition too, so we’re rooting for her even more – while Vanity wanted to spend it on a wedding. And invite some of her new sisters. Emphasis on some.
Ru, Michelle and Jamal took their places on the panel before wheeling out the dolls in their Global Lip Sync Eleganza Extravaganza and explaining that two by two they will face off, with the winners progressing until only one remains. Manuel from the Pit Crew pulled out his wheel to decide who would go first and ugh, Manuel is so hot, I am now distracted. But he must have spun it, as first up would be Vanity, who in turn got to select her opponent, going with Eva given she has already beaten her before. As the one to be chosen, Eva was able to select their song, going with Just What They Want. Which is what Nelly tipped, given it was clearly the hardest. Which proved smart, given Vanity had no idea what the lyrics were. Despite that, she gave hairography and an epic performance, which sadly wasn’t enough, as Vanity was sent to join the top four backstage as Eva progressed.
Manuel’s wheel came back – swoon – to line up Soa as the next performer. She in turn elected to face off against Tessa, who chose A.S.M.R. Lover for the soundtrack of their battle. Soa was honestly a delight from start to finish, as Tessa gave sexy and stupid before botching a split. Which sadly ended Ms T’s run and sent Soa through to the second round. Manuel then flooded our basement to line up Athena’s performance against Pythia to Jealous Of My Boogie. And from the first line, this was Athena’s redemption round. She was stupid and passionate, hitting every lyric and booked her place in round two. Leaving Gala to demolish poor Miranda in the final lip sync of the round to Cha Cha Bitch. Despite a cute little rainbow glitter rain moment and Gala literally dancing her wig off.
Which annoyed the shit out of Miranda, as she joined her sisters backstage. Which, fair.
Manuel got his wheel out again for round two, allowing Gala to select Eva as her next opponent while Eva selected Call Me Mother as their song. Despite not knowing any of the words, Gala was flipping around the stage and doing anything to distract, while Eva was fire from start to finish, enunciating every lyric, being fierce and sensual in equal measure. Which would have won her the lip sync, if Gala didn’t duck walk, which sent her through to the final round, it seems. As Soa and Athena lined up for U Wear It Well, it was clear both of them were desperate for the money as they turned a damn show. They gave attitude, they stomped the runway in unison and honestly, if they both made it to the final round, I wouldn’t have been mad. Sadly though, Ru only wanted two in the final, eliminating Athena and giving us the Gala/Soa rematch we deserve.
The eliminated queens and the top four were summoned back to the mainstage to watch the top two assassins battle for the win. To The Beginning. And damn, did they turn a show. While Gala was all attitude, Soa was oozing joy and was frankly magnetic, flicking her hair, hitting the lyrics and smiling the entire time. Gala slayed with air violin and handstand baby freezes, but make no mistake, it was Soa’s show. And the emotion rightly won her $50K and the title of Global Lip Sync Assassin. As she deserves.
Cocorico, cocorico, cocorico. Yas yas yas.
While the eliminated queens took their final bows, I quickly snuck up on Nelly and gave her a massive hug. She was super confused, given she hasn’t been eliminated yet, though I explained that given the season hadn’t gone very well for the ESL queens, I wanted to make sure she was well rested and fed heading into the finale. Because if anything can salvage this season, it is a victory for Nehellenia. Which was enough to perk her back up and get her on board with plotting her victory over a glorious Konbinehellenia Egg Sando.
Anyone that has had the deeply profound joy of eating an egg sando from a Japanese konbini knows that they are the only thing you ever need again. Sweet, rich and melt in your mouth, they are the perfect thing to feed your soul and encourage you to save the globe with your victory.
Enjoy!
Konbinehellenia Egg Sando Serves: 2. 1 rightful victor and her bestie.
Ingredients 10 eggs ½ cup Kewpie mayonnaise 1 tsp kosher salt, plus more to taste 1 tsp raw caster sugar ¼ tsp black pepper 4 tsp thickened cream 2 tbsp unsalted butter, softened 4 slices Japanese milk bread, crusts removed
Method Bring a medium saucepan of water to the boil. Once rollicking, carefully lower the eggs into the boiling water and cook for 10 minutes, or until hard boiled. Drain the eggs into a sink and plunge into iced water to cool for 15 minutes before peeling the eggs.
Split the eggs open and separate the yolks and whites into two bowls. Mash all the yolks in a bowl until they are almost a smooth paste. Add the mayonnaise, salt, sugar, and pepper and stir until well combined.
Finely chop the egg whites and add half to the yolk mixture, stir to combine, cover and chill for an hour. Reserve the rest of the whites for another recipe.
Once chilled, stir the cream into the egg mixture, seasoning with additional salt if required. Spread the butter evenly on one side of each bread slice. Top one slice, butter side up, with egg, cover with the remaining slice, butter side down. Slice into triangles and devour, in culinary heaven.
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Previously on Global All Stars the dolls played the Snatch Game and given the season hasn’t been nice to the international girlies, it was always going to be a battle for our poor ESL queens. I mean, could you imagine trying to do improv in anything other than your native tongue? Impossible. But rant over. Pythia was a breath of fresh air, pivoting to a frat-bro Zeus 10 minutes before the shoot and someone looking glorious and firing all of the jokes. In the other group, it was Kitty’s glum, horny, filthy and glorious Princess Di that stole the show. Sadly Pythia didn’t get what should have been her third win, and instead Kitty as Prinny Di earned her, her second. At the other end of the pack it was a battle of the assassins as Gala and Vanity faced off in the lip sync. And given it was literally a song from The Muppets, Vanity leant into her silliness and sent poor Gala home.
Backstage Kitty was thrilled to have jagged her second win – that again, should have been Pythia’s – and most importantly, to finally be a Snatch Game winner. Which is once again a reminder of how good Ella was as Nigella. But once again, I’ve digressed. Tessa was feeling disappointed to have gone from winning to the bottom, particularly since she was an absolute flop. Talk turned to the lip sync with the dolls reminding Vanity that they haven’t heard Ru laugh like that in a lip sync, well, ever. While Vanity was just grateful to have Kween’s advice to put the negative talk in the boot of the car and drive on through the competition.
The next day Kween admitted she was quite surprised to see who had made it into the top seven before everyone realised that Vanity is now the official lip sync assassin of the season. Kitty was busy wishing for a comedy challenge and from her mouth to Ru’s ears, mother arrived to announce that for this week’s maxi challenge the dolls would be battling it out in a rich international roast. So yeah, condragulations Kitty, I guess. Pythia meanwhile was terrified, hoping their mystery guest would be able to coach her to a cheeky safe placement. Oh and as the winner of last week’s challenge, Kitty would be deciding the order.
After Ru exited, the dolls split up to work through their jokes with Alyssa hoping for rudemption after her bomb in Season 5. Forgetting that All Stars 2 exists, basically. BEAST! Given Tessa has never done a roast, she was hoping that Alyssa could give her some pointers for no other reason than she is evil. Kitty meanwhile was feeling her oats, given the jokes about her sisters were writing themselves. Pythia on the other hand, tragically, was paralysed by fear as she worried about bombing her second roast. Kween, Nehellenia and Vanity were kikiing and having fun, particularly Kween, given the other two had no material and she was having a ball reading them for filth. Oh and Vanity had no material as she was planning to sing her roast. Talk turned to the order with Kitty wanting the dolls to turn a good show, so would be putting herself and Kween as the bookends with the flops just filling out the middle. Which is kinda what everyone wants, so it even appears fair.
Graham Norton then dropped by with a cup of joe to coach the doll. After reading Nelly for not having a win, of course. Nelly to her credit opened up about being delusional more than funny, while Tessa was worried about delivering a joke and Alyssa was just hoping to live up to everyone’s expectations. Kween opened up about how brutal everyone is Down Under, so felt ready to demolish the challenge. While Graham encouraged all of them to just focus on being funny and leaning into their weaknesses to cut through. Talk turned to cancellation, with Graham reminding them to make people laugh and that is all that matters. Kitty then decided it was time to announce the order, opting to take the opening slot and then be followed by Vanity, Pythia, Alyssa, Nelly and Tessa before finishing with Kween. And when Kitty mentioned she wanted peaks and valleys in the show, everyone was left wondering who exactly would be the valleys.
Oh and then the zaddy with the nipple ring from the Pit Crew returned and hot damn, I am moister than an oyster.
Elimination Day arrived with Kween ready to devour her set, turning everyone’s attention back to being cancelled. Vanity admitted she got a lot of hate after her first season, while Alyssa reminded her of Ru’s quote that other people’s opinions of her are none of her business and hot damn if that is not the best life advice, no?
Ru, Michelle and Jamal were joined on the panel by international treasure Graham Norton as Kitty kicked off the roast in an absolutely blistering manner. Vanity then sang her song, finding all keys but not a single laugh. By comparison, Pythia was not the worst. But not by much. Alyssa thankfully brought the energy back up, elevating her ok jokes with her pitch perfect delivery. Nehellenia started strong and kept the energy going through the entire set, surprising and delighting her sisters in the process. Tessa felt like she brought the jokes from home via AI, before Kween, thankfully, brought the roast to a killer end by eviscerating her competition. I mean, she called Kitty a coloniser. Essentially. Iconic.
On the Blow Me Away runway Kitty was a gorgeous combination of a bride and Bey’s pregnancy shoot, but stuck in a tornado. Vanity was draped in tinsel and I love Christmas, but I don’t love this. Though apparently her OG dress was ruined in transit, so let’s forgive it. Pythia was a stunning, elven goddess doing Ursula cosplay, and so lovely. Alyssa was a shimmering Texan delight in blue, Nehellenia was a gorgeous flaming delight, Tessa was a silver siren before Kween ate them in a gorgeous golden gown, giving us a Bey bookend.
Kitty received wall to wall praise from the judges, though Michelle did wish she took a breath during the roast. Vanity on the other hand got wall to wall demolishment, particularly for the look. The judges just felt roasting goes against Pythia’s nature as she is so kind, but her runway was once again perfect. Alyssa was praised for everything she brought to the competition across the season, and praised for her confidence carrying her through the roast. Nehellenia was praised for surprising the judges in both the challenge and on the runway, Tessa was read for letting the nerves get to her on the roast though they were grateful for a killer look. Oh and then Kween was equally as beloved as Kitty.
Backstage Kitty and Kween were well and truly feeling their oats as everyone praised Nehellenia for such a dominant performance. Pythia admitted that she just doesn’t understand stand up and as such, is fine to lip sync if her look can’t save her again. While Vanity joked that she was hoping to get another win, though didn’t want to be exiting the competition on her one year anniversary of entering Drag Race Sverige.
Ultimately Kitty and Kween were both deemed winners before Alyssa and Nehellenia were sent to safety. With Tessa the last to join them, as Vanity and Pythia were sent through to the lip sync. And while Pythia had a home court advantage in the form of Celine’sI Drove All Night, Vanity felt every single moment of the song and while she looked like ONJ, she was Celine. Which tragically meant the darkest timeline continued and Pythia was booted from the competition.
As is oft the case, particularly this season, Pythia followed the sounds of wild tears to find me backstage where I pulled her in for a massive hug. Begging for her to wake me up from this nightmare, given she should have minimum three wins, instead of going out in the middle of the pack. Eventually she calmed me down, assuring me that she was just so grateful to get another shot at a crown and show of her skills to a global audience, which is a super kind and mature way to handle it. Which is super on brand for her. So to thank her for both her kindness and artistry, I whipped up a piping hot Kale & Sausage Pizzthia.
While it is potentially the reason why Pythia lost – the pizza curse is real, ya’ll – it is so delicious you almost can’t be mad. Spicy sausage, velvety ricotta and a zing of lemon are the perfect throuple to mark such a glorious drag queen.
Enjoy!
Kale & Sausage Pizzthia Serves: 4.
Ingredients 2 bases as per Pizsa Zsa Gabor 200g ricotta 50g grated parmesan 1 lemon, zested salt and pepper, to taste 2 spring onions, sliced 2 cups kale, shredded 100g hot salami, thinly sliced mozzarella, grated
Method Prep the bases as per Zsa Zsa’s instructions and preheat the oven to 180°C.
Combine the ricotta, parmesan and lemon zest in a bowl with a good whack of salt and pepper. Smear over the bases, sprinkle with spring onions, followed by the kale and the salami and finally the mozzarella.
Pop it in the oven to bake for 15 minutes, or until bubbly and golden. Then devour, safely.
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Well well well, look who decided to wake up from their little Mexicoma and make a (what is sure to be triumphant) return to the world of food blogging, influencing and providing culinary comfort for reality TV cast-offs. Most of whom I have been a longtime friend of, and in the instance of the Global All Stars girlies, the inspiring reason they all started drag.
Ru included. But as you have no doubt come to know, I have digressed.
As you’ve probably surmised amongst the rambling, Ru pulled me out of my semi-retirement to celebrate the inaugural season of what is bound to be an iconic, battle for the ages – Global All Stars!
“Ben, hun, I need you there. I just need you. Get to Colombia,” Ru begged.
“I need you like Coco needs orange. Like Cheryl needs another week of doing mediocre. Like Tia needs an adequate dress. Like Alaska needs to borrow a sequined tank top. Like Spankie needs a chippie. You see what I’m doing, right? Just come, please. Now!”
Despite the fact I saw the cast list and questioned the cheek, the nerve, the gall, the audacity, and the gumption of Ru and Co. not including Tayce (and Bimini), apparently, she was all gamed out and as such, I hopped the next plane and prepared to look after my girls.
Will Soa continue to be le-gen-daire? Will Alyssa’s icon status finally earn her the win? Or, most importantly, will Kween bring the first global crown down under and once again prove that Season 2 was iconic? Well, you’ll just have to wait around to find out.
And check back next week for all the deets from our double opening.
Now teleport us to Mars! Party.
📷: Paramount+.
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Previously on Australian Survivor the Middle Aged Mafia were out to get revenge on Val and Mark, after they had tried (and failed) to get rid of Kitty at the tribal council before. After a hard fought battle, Ri won immunity over the other challenge beast of the season, Aileen, making her feel super smug and confident about her place in the tribe. Despite the fact she has essentially bumbled through despite herself, thus far. Kirby, Val and Mark locked in a vote against Caroline to surprise the opposition, when they would assume Kitty is still their target. While Caroline and Kitty instead tried to woo Feras to get rid of Winna. And given Winna was rude to Feras and Aileen, they gladly joined because the theme of the season is revenge. Alex and Ri were given hinky votes, to ensure a majority, leaving them and Jaden very surprised as Winna went home.
The next day things were still rainy and miserable, unless you were Kitty and Caroline, who were thrilled to have survived and taken control with Feras. We flashed back to the night before where the trio locked in an alliance, vowing not to let anyone else get in their ears and to ride it to the end. Caroline approached Mark to confront him, cussing him out for the fact he keeps gunning for her, assuring him that she has never thrown his name out. When she has, multiple times. In the cold light of day, however, she was more hurt by Valeria’s comments at tribal, as she called her worthless and weak. As Valeria caught up with Ri, Kirby and Aileen to tell them she never said anything mean at tribal, so feels really good.
Eden and Raymond were busy serving Rosencrantz and Guildenstern, commenting on how rude Valeria was at tribal council and how the tribe is now in chaos. As Alex comforted Caroline in the shelter, Eden decided it was time to wake Jaden up and get him to stop singing and being a delight, and instead, play the game. First step being to reunite the Titans, and play the middle until all the Rebels are gone (which is also the Rebels plan). Leaving Feras as long as possible as a shield, and instead targeting people like Raymond. So apologies Eden, but I have no choice but to cancel my stan card as nobody comes for my King. Next step for Eden’s flop plan was to pull Mark aside and float it, with Mark reiterating that Kitty and Caroline hate him, so it is kind of pointless.
The tribe met up with JLP for the reward challenge where they would compete in stages. In round one they would split into two teams, racing to use water to fill buckets to release a gate. Stage two they would form two smaller teams to use monkey fists to release nine flags to progress, while the final three would race to solve a puzzle. With the winner jagging a car and an Aussie BBQ to celebrate, though tragically being cursed into losing the game. Alex quickly got his eye in for the blue team, getting the rest to fill buckets while he filled the bigger buckets, which proved effective, meaning Mark, Kitty and Valeria, and Eden, Caroline and Alex faced off in round two. Once again Alex and Eden slayed, while Caroline struggled and madly tried to release her flags. Sadly that was all it took for Mark, Valeria and Kitty to overtake and move on to round three. Which Mark absolutely dominated, handing him a car but ruling him out as our winner, I’m afraid.
After sobbing though his victory, he was given the chance to bring someone along to enjoy the reward, locking in Kitty and then Valeria, given they were both in the final round. JLP then let him pick one more, with him opting for Caroline, which immediately spooked all the Rebels into realising something was afoot. While Valeria looked ready to kill him.
Back at camp the losers rallied around, heartbroken to be starving and carless. Ri and Alex lead the tribe in talking about how odd Mark’s choices were, given it clearly pointed out that they were hoping to make some moves at the next tribal council. Though I think Eden was potentially just jealous he wasn’t eating, as the rest of the tribe laughed about Caroline and Valeria’s tension. Speaking of which, we checked in with the world’s most awkward BBQ as Valeria and Caroline refused to even look at each other, and Mark tried to get everyone to see they needed to work together. But first, they had to clear the air. Valeria kicked things off explaining why Caroline is weak, namely her emotions. Given she didn’t apologise, Caroline wasn’t thrilled and rightly pointed out it is the harshest thing anyone has ever said to her. With Valeria eventually, finally, apologising. Before they all agreed to wipe the slate clean and have new beginnings.
As Caroline told us she still doesn’t trust Mark. Ugh.
That night as the tribe slept, Jaden couldn’t sleep, so instead got to working out and vowed to us that he is ready to avenge Winna and take control. Making the most of the fact everyone is underestimating him. As he promised Eden he is going to win the next immunity challenge, he somehow time travelled and manifested JLP for the very thing. Where they would each have to balance an idol on a pole, which they would slowly have to extend over time. Everyone made it through to their fourth length of pole before Caroline dropped. She was quickly followed by Kitty and Aileen. At fifteen minutes, they added their fifth length of pole, causing Raymond and Valeria to drop before Eden’s pole straight up crumbled. Alex and Feras were next to drop as those that had been eliminated marvelled at how strong Ri is at all the challenges. They then added a sixth segment, which saw Mark and Ri drop, followed by a long-suffering Kirby, handing my boy Jaden victory.
Back at camp the tribe all congratulated Jaden on his victory as he just laughed it up and was an all round delight. Because duh. Eden pulled Raymond, Feras, Alex and Aileen aside to lock in a split vote between Ri and Valeria. Sadly for them, it is their decoy vote, as the Titans planned to take out King Ray. Which again, is a shit idea, as I love Ray. Eden looped in Jaden and Mark, who were delighted by how fun of an idea it is, particularly since Mark wanted the Titans to reunite and slay. Eden then looped in Caroline, with her ropeable at the idea of getting rid of Ray instead of Val. With her rightly pointing out to Eden that crossing Feras means that she will be screwed out of ever working with the Rebels again. She caught up with Kitty, who was equally nervous about crossing Feras, agreeing the timing was just not right. The ladies caught up with Eden to reiterate that this decision to target Ray guarantees the Rebels will turn on them straight after the vote, with him expertly assuring them that it won’t matter, given they will have the numbers anyway. Which makes sense, but also doesn’t, given how splintered everyone is.
Kirby and Ri caught up in the shelter, completely in the dark about what is being planned for tribal council. With Ri suggesting she will ask Eden, given he isn’t a good liar. He straight up told her that the majority were planning to vote for her, with Kirby reiterating that she simply needs to play her idol to keep them safe. Eden then went to chat to Kitty again, which made Feras very nervous that something is afoot. He caught up with Ray before detouring to Caroline to see if she is across what is being planned. He told her that he had heard Ray and Aileen’s names had been thrown around, with her denying it and laying it on thick that she and Kitty were the only ones that haven’t lied to him. He then cross checked with Kitty and while they both denied it, Feras still didn’t feel right. So would be trusting his gut after the vote. And oh god, don’t make this Ray blindside actually work?!
At tribal council Mark spoke about how he simply invited Caroline on reward as they needed time to mend fences or heal wounds, rather than mend wounds. Caroline admitted it was a surprise for her, though she appreciated the chance to clear the air. Talk turned to her feud with Valeria, with them agreeing they were able to talk it out and all is good now. The Rebels all started to grow nervous, whispering amongst themselves to figure out if the Titans were now tight. Ray laughed about how he is buying they are actually kumbaya and as such, he is a little nervous. As Eden and Mark whispered, Feras hoped that tribal council would go as they had planned back at camp. Which clearly stressed out Kitty, talking about how she is struggling with all the lying.
This was all the Rebels needed to know something was afoot and as such, suggested writing Eden’s name instead. Alex then got up to talk to Feras and figure out what is planned, with everyone locking in on Eden. While Alex tried to downplay the whispers as just confirming the alliance were on the same page. With that the tribe voted, Ri played her idol for herself while Feras tragically held onto his, as the Titans held firm and loaded their votes on Ray. Thankfully the Rebels all loaded their votes on Eden, making it a cheeky little tie between the boys. With that, everyone but Eden and Raymond revoted, and thankfully, Jaden flipped, leading to Eden exiting the game as our final pre-juror (I assume) and saving my sweet King Raymond.
As Eden arrived at Loser Lodge he was rightly disappointed, though was glad to go out in such an iconic way. Which honestly is the only silver lining, right? Eden once again gave hope to the superfans, playing a solid, stealth game which tragically ended up leading to his demise, as he truly was the centre of the Titans alliance. I gave him a massive hug and assured him that we will definitely see him again and as such, we got to work planning his second run. Which was the least I could do, honestly, as not only did he not make the jury, he was brought down by the infamous Survivor Pizza Curse. Thankfully, though, he knew that made his exit even more iconic, so we toasted his run with a glorious Eden Portato & Burrata Pizza.
This rustic, earthy pizza is oh so delicious. The roasted potato is sweet and crisp, the mushrooms provide a richness while the oozing burrata to finish adds the level of luxe which makes it hard to hold a grudge.
Enjoy!
Eden Portato & Burrata Pizza Serves: 2.
Ingredients 2 bases as per Pizsa Zsa Gabor ½ cup Toni Basil Pesto 2 potatoes, thinly sliced 2 cups small mushrooms, halved or quartered 4 garlic cloves, minced 3 sprigs thyme, leaves removed 1 tsp chilli flakes 2 tsp rosemary leaves, roughly chopped 2 tsp lemon zest 1 cup swiss cheese, grated 250g burrata cheese, at room temperature
Method Prep the bases as per Zsa Zsa’s instructions and preheat the oven to 180°C.
Smear the bases with the pesto, potatoes, mushrooms, garlic, thyme, chilli, rosemary and lemon zest, followed by the swiss cheese. Pop it in the oven to bake for 15 minutes, or until bubbly and golden.
Remove from the oven and serve piping hot with the cracked burrata on top. Before devouring, like a dateable icon, who sadly missed the jury.
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