Sugar

Coffee Cakendoll

Baking, Cake, Dessert, RuPaul's Drag Race UK, RuPaul's Drag Race UK 1, TV, TV Recap

I could go about doing my usual ‘previously on’ joke for the premiere of the newest season of Drag Race, but to be honest, I am just too damn excited to see these Brits slay. Pomp, circumstance and smutty banter has finally made its way across the pond and I have assumed the position. Because I. Am. READY.

The lucky first queen to take advantage of that sashay into the UK Werk Room is Baga Chipz who mentioned a passion for getting coated in cum and therefore, you know I already love her. She was joined by Ireland’s Blu Hydrangea who is an adorable little twink that I want to adopt and make sure is making wise choices. Divina De Campo was next and looks like Robbie Turner if Robbie had a talent for anything other than lying. Plus she mentioned the OG season 1 filter which is enough to win me over. In addition to the fact she is a legit celebrity. Crystal arrived with one of the best entry lines of all time and honestly, is very attractive and I love her.

Sum Ting Wong is my new favourite as she couldn’t get through her entry line without laughing at herself and kinda sounds like Ringo Starr. Cheryl Hole seems like the UK equivalent of Alyssa Edwards and I already love her. Particularly since they look alike out of drag. Maybe it’s the teeth? Gothy Kendoll arrived, filling Baga Chipz and Divina with an overwhelming feeling of senility given everyone is so young. Vinegar Strokes arrived quoting Eastenders, so she too, I already love her. Scaredy Kat was up next and I am a little bit terrified, though given she is bi and has only been doing drag for 11 months, I love that she is bringing something fresh. Rounding out the cast is The Vivienne, who won a pageant to be the UK’s Drag Race ambassador making her an early favourite.

Before they could celebrate their luck at being the cast of season one, Ru arrived doing some majestic accent work to welcome them to the competition. Mama Ru then explained that they would be competing for the chance to be whisked over to Hollywood to star in their very own digital series. Because BBC is a publicly funded network, FYI. She then wheeled out the Brit Crew – and honestly, I am wetter than a London’s day, the Thames and the newspaper wrapping fish and chips all rolled into one – before tasking the queens with the first mini challenge of the season to pose with the aforementioned Brit Crew and their own severed heads.

Baga Chips was up first and flashed her kooch so that her head could be inserted like she is birthing herself. Icon. Blu Hydrangea was adorable and quoted Cher by way of Chad Michaels. Divina was adorbs, Crystal gave herself head, Cheryl was cute, Gothy kicked herself in the head and made Ru lose his mind with the lack of energy. Vinegar Strokes had to explain what her name means to Ru, Scaredy Kat shat herself out and won my heart, Sum Ting Wong tried to prove that breast is best while The Vivienne gave a masterclass in accent work for Ru. Ultimately Scaredy Kat took out the first win, much to her delight and the chagrin of Divina who is shocked that a baby could do that.

The queens were then tasked with the first maxi challenge of the series, to serve their best Queen Lizzie realness on the runway in addition to a look that represents why they’re the queen of their hometowns. When Ru left the queens got out of drag with Baga wandering around to scope out the trade – Crystal’s little tuft of chest hair, swoon – and the group started talking about getting their teeth done. Since the stereotype is that British people have terrible teeth. This made Gothy Kendoll feel super insecure as she doesn’t like her teeth and didn’t want anyone to notice them, and instead focus on her killer looks.

Elimination Day rolled around as the queens panicked to get their looks together. Vinegar Strokes pulled Scaredy Kat under her wing, making the latter feel safe about her first time performing on stage. Baga Chipz, The Vivienne and Crystal got together to talk royalty and Trump while Blu, Divina and Gothy spoke about their small town upbringing and speculated just how harsh Michelle will be with everyone.

Ru and Michelle were joined by Alan Carr and Andrew Garfield on the judges panel for the girls first time which immediately made me jealous, since I’m still yet to have my first time with Andrew.

Crystal’s hometown look served my version of the Zombie film clip realness – you all did it with Christmas beads while decorating the tree, be honest – with chest hair and pits on display, instantly flooding my basement. Cheryl served Essex excellence channelling Paris Hilton. Sum Ting Wong was all bull and full of horn, Blu Hydrangea was beautiful with an homage to the company that built Titanic, neglecting the fact that building a sinking ship ain’t something to be proud of. Baga Chipz was hilarious in Amy Winehouse cosplay, The Vivienne was fierce as Pete Burns, Vinegar Strokes was belted by the Thames, Gothy Kendoll went for cheesy tiger – no joke – while Scaredy Kat was hippy chic, fresh from the marshlands and Divina was a trippy, cartoonish delight.

For their Lizzie realness Crystal served sexy military trooping of the colour, Cheryl served afternoon tea in the gardens, Sum Ting Wong went with snail mail realness, Blu was all about the coin, Baga went Lizzie with a Dolores Umbridge edge, The Vivienne went with hunting in Balmoral, Vinegar Strokes went with a sunny ‘70s look, Gothy went back to the queen’s early years while Scaredy one upped it and went for the Queen when she was just a baby princess. And Divina brought more sex to the palace than Prince Phillip.

Ultimately Crystal, Blu, Scaredy Kat and Divina were classed as safe and sent back to the Werk Room, leaving the tops and bottoms – I know, I know, we’re all bottoms – to stand around and be read for filth by Michelle. Cheryl’s first look received universal praise, while the second one was read for being bland and without Lizzie’s signature bag. Sum Ting Wong received universal praise for both looks, Baga’s Amy Winehouse performance was praised and while everyone liked her second look, any flaws were quickly charmed away by Baga’s wit. The Vivienne confused Michelle into thinking she came out in prosthetics and let’s be honest, is the clear frontrunner already. Vinegar’s Thames belt was read for filth and Michelle was disappointed in her lack of ironing. The judges could tell that Gothy’s nerves got the best of her, with Andrew trying to encourage her to use the nerves to drive her performance.

Backstage Divina was disappointed to find herself amongst the safe queens, before the tops and bottoms joined them to gasbag about the critiques. Cheryl was sure that she was in the bottom, Gothy was nervous and Vinegar was sad that the judges didn’t connect with her looks, breaking down and getting a pep talk from The Vivienne and Baga.

Back on the runway Baga and Sum Ting Wong were deemed safe before The Vivienne took out this week’s challenge. Cheryl narrowly avoided the bottom two, leaving Vinegar Strokes and Gothy Kendoll to battle it out lip syncing – I thought all the girls sang in the UK, Charlie? – to Dua Lipa’s New Rules. And honestly there wasn’t much competition as Vinegar’s West End background helped her slay, while Gothy’s nerves continued to keep her subdued. Vinegar pulled a Roxxxy and was flipping hats and wigs, and while Gothy grew into her performance, it wasn’t enough as she tragically found herself becoming the first queen to sashay away from Drag Race UK.

But not before pulling a Vanjie, backing off the stage chanting Miss Kendoll. Like a damn icon.

After literally backing into me backstage, I pulled Gothy into a massive hug and reminded her that being the first person ever booted from the series is the most iconic place to land. And that her look was definitely worth 60P.

I’ve known Gothy for years, meeting while I was working at a Leicester Cheese factory next to her daycare. I was trying to woo one of the father’s that dropped off there, so I took to stealing cheese to provide toasties for the tots and prove how great a step-father I can be.

While the plan quickly turned to shit when I was eventually arrested for grand theft fromage, I was able to impress young Gothy with a delightful Coffee Cakendoll. Who said giving kids coffee is a bad idea?

Packing a massive punch of coffee, there is something so delightfully nostalgic about this cake. A light fluffy crumb and a thick layer of rich frosting, this is the perfect way to block out the pain of being the first boot.

Enjoy!

Coffee Cakendoll
Serves: 8-12, or you know one sad first boot.

Ingredients
500g butter, softened
1 cup raw caster sugar
2 tsp vanilla extract
4 eggs
2 cups flour
4 tsp baking powder
⅔ cup milk, at room temperature
⅓ cup espresso, plus 2 tbsp for the frosting
2 cups icing sugar, sifted
2 tbsp kahlua

Method
Preheat the oven to 180⁰C and grease and line the base of two 20cm cake tins.

To make the cake, combine half the butter, the raw caster sugar and the vanilla in a bowl and using a stand mixer, cream on medium speed until light and fluffy. And to clarify, the stand mixer is solely because when it comes to hand mixing, I’m unenthused.

Add the eggs one at a time, allowing the batter to become fully homogeneous before adding another. Did this queen just get a thesaurus or did I opt for using the Queen’s English? You’ll never know.

Remove the bowl from the mixer and fold through the flour and baking powder, followed by the milk and the espresso until it is gloriously tanned. Not Katya in tan with you tanned. Split the batter between the two cake tins and bake for 30 minutes, until an inserted skewer comes out clean. Remove from the oven and allow to cool for a couple of minutes before flipping out on a cooling rack to get as cool as an English evening.

While it is getting chill, get to work on the frosting by creaming the remaining butter with the icing sugar, remaining espresso and the kahlua. You know, to get tipsy. Beat together until light and fluffy before stepping back and taking in the moment. You’re doing amazing sweetie.

Once you’ve Kris Jenner’ed yourself, get to work assembling the cake by placing one on a serving dish. Generously dollop on some frosting and spread over the top so you have a thick filling. Top with the other cake and dollop on the rest of the frosting, smoothing the top and covering the sides as you go.

Allow to sit for fifteen minutes, if you can wait, before carving and devouring. The latter is really the only necessary part of that equation though.


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Luke Tokolate Banana Bread

Australian Survivor, Australian Survivor: Champions vs. Contenders (2019), Baking, Bread, Dessert, Snack, Sweets, TV Recap

Previously on Australian Survivor Abbey continued to roll with the Contenders boys, with their sights set directly on Luke. Knowing he was screwed, Luke searched high and low for an idol and while he couldn’t find one, instead he won a powerful advantage followed by the next immunity challenge. Abbey and the boys identified Pia as the next biggest threat and worked to get rid of her, while Pia worked Luke to see if they could move forward together. Luke played his advantage and senr Baden back to camp, leading to an epic game of whispers and posturing that led to Luke and Pia standing strong and blindsiding Abbey from the game.

Pia, Luke and Harry returned to camp with Baden shocked to hear Pia was still in the game, while Luke celebrated the fact that he pulled off one of the biggest moves ever. Pia joined him to congratulate him on putting on an epic show, thrilled that she was able to charm her way into him protecting her. On the flipside Harry wasn’t thrilled by the turn of events, knowing that he was made a fool of and as such, he could only double down on the fact he needed Luke to go.

The next day the top four sat by the shore and congratulated each other on making it this far, with Luke particularly excited to have broken his record by making day 47. He was also particularly shocked to have not been sent packing as soon as he landed on the beach, given he has played before and showed what he was made of. He then ran through his resume and it was hella heartwarming and honestly, I teared up a little. Even when he went wild in the water. Harry was still salty about the previous tribal council and knew that Luke wins if he makes it to the final tribal council, and as such, he needs to win the next immunity challenge to get rid of him ASAP. Harry also noted that Pia is the next biggest threat, hid behind a meatshield while dominating the game strategically.

Pia returned to camp with a box with a quiz and honestly I wasn’t sure what was happening until they voted for Luke and Baden to get burgers and I realised it was a de facto reward challenge. While Harry shaded Baden’s weak gameplay to us, Baden was proud of the game he played with the hand he was dealt and well and truly exceeded his expectations.

My love Jonathan returned for the second last immunity challenge of the season where the final four each had to try and keep their balls in the air. One by one they would drop a ball at the top of a maze and race to the bottom to catch it and keep the cycle going, slowly adding balls at regular intervals with the last person standing taking out immunity. Everyone worked slowly and methodically with their first ball, trying to get the rhythm of the maze and figure out how they will manage when four balls are in play. Everyone made it through the first and second balls, with the panic well and truly sitting in as they added in their third balls. Pia ultimately was the first to drop. The fourth ball then tragically claimed Luke, followed by Baden, handing Harry his first immunity win.

An exhausted Luke then started to break down and honestly, I have some horrible Kelley Wentworth flashbacks and my heart is broken.

Back at camp Harry doubled down on the fact that he needs to take out Luke if he wants to have any chance of winning. He then approached Baden to lock in their votes against Luke, thought tried to downplay how desperately he wants him out of the game. Baden wasn’t as convinced about who should go next, knowing he has no shot against Luke thought wanting to keep him around because he likes him the best. Luke and Baden then caught up and lamented about Harry’s win, with Luke heartbroken to have fumbled at the last moment and trying to find the perfect balance of convincing them to keep him around without being overbearing.

Luke proposed that he and Baden vote together, and Pia and Harry will vote together and then he will face off with Pia in a fire challenge to guarantee they’re both in the final three and have a better shot of beating Harry and getting to the end. While Baden seemed open to the idea, he admitted that he won’t be able to make a decision until tribal council. Uneasy Luke and Pia caught up with them proposing causing a tie between Luke and Baden, with Pia knowing that he would win and let’s be honest, she is guaranteed a place in the final two as both boys would take her. While Pia wasn’t sure which way to go, she knew that if she couldn’t win, she wants him to to better his family’s life. They then broke down and spoke about how much they mean to each other and honestly, I’m a fucking mess. After that emotional little interlude, Pia went for a walk to try and figure out which way is better for her game, knowing that she can beat both Harry and Baden but realising that neither of them will take her to the final tribal council.

At tribal council Harry continued to think the contrived toothpick thing was cute, while he gave the jury his best shit eating grin as they filed in. He spoke about the pride and happiness of securing himself immunity, and more importantly kept it from Luke. Luke spoke about how hard it was to let his game literally slip through his fingers. His voice started to break as he spoke about having only one option left, sharing that he will be voting Baden and hoping that Pia will join him and force them into a fire challenge. He then went one step further and said that he will take her to the final tribal council if that happens, though assured her that he won’t be annoyed if she voted him out too. She spoke about her current dilemma, not sure whether to play with her head or her heart, and not sure which one actually gives her the best chance of making it to the end. As an aside, keeping Luke gives her the best shot at making it to the end.

Baden admitted that he is not confident should it end in a fire challenge, given he has done minimal work with the flint. Harry tried to praise Luke’s pitch and tell him it makes sense, though tried to get into Pia’s head and tell her that a guaranteed place at the end isn’t better than having to rely on herself to get there. With that the tribe voted and Pia decided to trust in herself, joining the boys and sending Luke out of the game as this year’s fourth place robbed goddess of the season alongside Flick, Michelle and Shonee.

Through tears, I took him in my arms and reassured him that he should be proud of his performance and I’m so glad to once again whip him up some comfort

While I slept on the power of the people’s Champion during his first run – I was a Sarah fan and was always distracted by Locky’s nudity, so, yeah – he well and truly won me over on his second attempt. Which I guess is why he manages to make it deep, and I believe always will, when he plays Survivor. He is laid back, fun and dulls the pain of starving on an island. Like my Luke Tokolate Banana Bread would if Jonathan ever wanted to offer my services for a reward.

 

 

Sweet and warm, this baby may not solve all your problems – right Apu – but it does kind of feel like a culinary hug. Lightly spiced and dripping with sticky chocolate, this is what dreams are made of.

Enjoy!

 

 

Luke Tokolate Banana Bread
Serves: 6.

Ingredients
225g plain flour
1 ½ tsp baking powder
1 tsp ground cinnamon
125g dark chocolate, roughly chopped
60g muscovado sugar
70ml sunflower oil
2 eggs
175g sour cream
2 tsp vanilla extract
3 ripe bananas, mashed

Method
Preheat the oven to 180C.

Combine the flour, baking powder, cinnamon and chocolate in a bowl, and whisk together the muscovado, sunflower oil, eggs, sour cream, vanilla and bananas in another. Fold the wet mixture through the dry until just combined.

Transfer to a lined baking dish and place in the oven to bake for an hour, covering with foil for the last 30 minutes. If an inserted skewer doesn’t come out clean, reduce heat to 150C and return to the oven, uncovered, for a further five minutes.

Serve immediately and devour, slathered in butter.

 

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Tim Tam Minchin

Baking, Dessert, Sweets

Now I know most of my visits are all about the well publicised scandals of which I have been an integral part of but PR-ed my way out of or joyous reunions with my fellow busy celebrities, but Tim and I have issues.

Are they insurmountable? No. But his aggressive poetry about alternative medicine is something I find abhorrent, given the stringent level of research that goes into those products to get them past the TGA. But what would I know, I’m just a doctor or lawyer … or professor. I grift a lot.

In any event, while Tim and I differ on that one point, I enjoy all the other things that he is super opinionated / writes protest songs about, like I would write a porn-parody one. I mean, from getting nude on Californication to writing a Roald Dahl musical because he knew it would make me happy, to straight up calling our country homophobes, I love him and Tim would do anything to defend me, my lack of honour and our lifetime of friendship.

As soon as we locked eyes at Brisbane airport, everything else went silent and all I could see was Tim. We both commenced a slow-mo run – which reminds me, I need to see the Baywatch crew soon – and took each other in our arms. He apologised for upsetting me, I apologised for selling the raw footage of his nude scenes from Californication on my website literallyallthenudesIhavefound.com

After that we laughed, we cried, we promised to never turn on each other and then smashed a packet of Tim Tam Minchins. That may or may not run out.

 

 

Yes ma’fuckers, I have found a way to both google Tim Tam copycat recipes and then find the best and perfect it. Super sweet, crunchy in the middle, velvety on the centre and covered in smooth chocolate, there is nothing better than a Tim Tam. Outside of a homemade Tim Tam.

Enjoy!

 

 

Tim Tam Minchin
Serves: 2 bestos. Or 12ish, you decide.

Ingredients
250g unsalted butter, softened
½ cup raw caster sugar
1 egg
50g dutch cocoa powder
1 cup flour
pinch of salt
1 cup icing sugar
1 tbsp milo
200g milk chocolate
1 tbsp copha

Method
Place half the butter in the bowl of a stand mixer with the raw caster sugar and best for five minutes or so, or until pale and fluffy. Add the egg and beat until it is homogenous. Fold through all but a tablespoon of cocoa and the flour and salt, then return to the mixer for a minute or so or until incorporated and the colour is even. Form into a disc, wrap in cling and transfer to the fridge to chill for an hour.

Preheat oven to 180C.

When the dough is chill, roll out into a 5mm thin rectangle and cut into an even number of Tim Tam sized rectangles. Place on a lined baking sheet and bake for 10-15 minutes, or until crisp and glorious. Leave to cook on the tray for five minutes before transferring to a wire rack.

While they’re cooling, cream the remaining butter with the remaining cocoa, icing sugar and milo until soft and fluffy. To make the coating, combine the chocolate and copha in the top bowl of a double boiler and stir until smooth.

To assemble, place a teaspoon or so of filling on the base of half the biscuits and sandwich with the base of another. Coat with the chocolate spread and transfer to the wire rack to set. If you can wait before devouring them.

 

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Simon Black and White Cookie

Australian Survivor, Australian Survivor: Champions vs. Contenders (2019), Baking, Dessert, Snack, Sweets, TV Recap

Previously on Australian Survivor the Champions continued to extend their lead after getting Daisy to burn yet another idol while Zaddy John was sent to join my harem in the Jury Villa. Jonathan then dropped a bomb at the next tribal council and announced that the next two people voted out would be sent to Exile Island before battling each other for the chance to return to the game, with that Daisy was then voted out to spend a miserable night in the rain. The next day Abbey started to crave a big move for her resume and after Pia secured immunity, joined Harry, Baden and Luke to blindside Simon from the game. Well, temporarily, as he destroyed Daisy in the challenge and sent her to Jury Villa and rejoined the game.

The tribe returned to camp with the same final seven as the day before, with Abbey awkwardly hugging Simon and the silent King finding his voice, talking to us about his rage at being voted out. Instead of finding allies, he decided that an idol would be his best shot so went searching, digging up much of the island and leading to – probably – the deforestation of 90% of Fiji.

The next day Abbey was feeling nervous about her place in the game, knowing Simon would be upset with her and concerned that JaQueen and Pia won’t ever forgive her. Which is a fair judgement, given Pia and JaQueen were seething about her lies and bitching about her by the shore.

Jonathan arrived for the latest immunity challenge where they would each have to balance a platform using a rope and move back and forth up the length of the course collecting letters to spell immunity on said platform. While everyone raced out to start, Baden stayed behind to reorder his blocks. That didn’t seem to slow him down however as he joined Pia, Luke and Abbey at the front of the pack, while poor Simon sat in last. The four continued to power ahead, with Abbey and Luke firmly fighting for first while their platforms slowly swayed. Pia was the first to drop her stack, followed by Baden who was sympathetic to Pia’s loss. Abbey dropped her stack on the last block, allowing Luke to place his last block and slowly make his way back to the start to secure immunity, with Simon now breathing down his neck and Abbey cheering him on. Thankfully he held firm, maintained his stack and snatched immunity, while JaQueen admitted that she was just hoping to pull a Bradbury.

Back at camp Simon recommenced digging up the entire island while Abbey was just thrilled that anyone but Simon took out immunity. She checked in with Harry, Baden and Luke to lock in their latest vote for Simon to guarantee he doesn’t go on an immunity run. Luke and Abbey went for a private chat while Pia and JaQueen sat nearby and saltily speculated what the new duo could be up to. Sick of speculating, they approached them leaving Luke to straight up ask them to join them in getting rid of Simon. Again.

While they sat there strategising JaQueen started to realise that Abbey was the bigger threat and as such, she and Pia went hunting for numbers. JaQueen approached Simon who quickly fell in line, while Pia once again used her acting skills to improvise and pulled Harry aside with JaQueen and played into his desire to make a big, bold move. They outlined that while none of them can win against Luke he is immune and as such, taking out Abbey would be the next biggest move to impress the jury. While Harry agreed that getting rid of Abbey is a logical choice, he was lucky enough to have countless options and just needed to decide whether teaming up with JaQueen and Pia was in his best interests.

At tribal council Janine spoke about the feeling of deja vu heading into tonight’s tribal council, while Abbey tried to downplay the fact that nothing has changed since the previous vote. Despite the fact her flip was outed and her two closest allies aren’t on board with her anymore. She then pushed for everyone to band together and get rid of Simon again, which led Simon to finding his voice and congratulating Luke, Harry, Baden and Abbey for outwitting him. JaQueen admitted that she too felt blindsided and was paranoid that she would be next, leaving Abbey to assure them that she would have said something if it really would have impacted them.

Harry spoke about the uncertainty of moves at tribal council leading to major, continued change while Pia hoped the flip didn’t leave her on the outs. Simon returned to talk the only thing he has left, the fact that he can be a loyal number, while Harry spoke about everyone’s paths to the end intersecting in different ways. Pia agreed with him and mentioned that that means things will shift a lot more frequently, before JaQueen and Abbey mentioned that they would be voting with their head tonight and honestly I have no idea what it happening.

With that the tribe voted and for the second time in a row, silent Simon was booted from the game. The reason Simon barely appeared in any episodes this season is because all of his confessionals were him talking about how excited he was to get booted, see his dear fellow Brisbanite – not a good episode for Queenslanders, no? – and smash some Simon Black and White Cookies together.

 

 

These classic New York biscuits are a favourite of my husband, who first got Simon to try one when we were travelling to NYC together. Soft and fluffy, almost cake like biscuits, smothered in a thick choc v. sugar crust, they truly are a magical creation. Like Simon, which you would know if he or Sam actually appeared this season.

Enjoy!

 

 

Simon Black and White Cookie
Serves: 6-12.

Ingredients
225g plain flour
½ tsp baking powder
pinch of salt
¾ cup buttermilk
1 tbsp vanilla extract
125g unsalted butter plus 2 tsp for the icing, at room temperature
½ cup raw caster sugar
1 egg
2 cups icing sugar mixture
30g dark chocolate, roughly chopped

Method
Combine the flour, baking powder and a good pinch of salt in a bowl, and whisk the buttermilk and 2 teaspoons of vanilla extract in a jug.

Preheat oven to 160°C.

To making the dough, cream the butter and caster sugar in the bowl of a stand mixer on medium for about ten minutes, or until pale, creamy and fluffy. Add the egg and beat until just combined. Reduce speed to low and working slowly and carefully to avoid the kitchen looking like a crime scene, add the flour mixture and buttermilk mixture in thirds, stirring until just combined.

Place heaped large golf-ball sized dollops on lined baking sheets, allowing plenty of space for spreading. Press them down to flatten a little and transfer to the oven to bake for 15-20 minutes, or until golden and cooked through. Leave to cool on the tray for ten minutes before transferring to a wire rack to cool completely.

To make the icing, combine the icing butter remaining butter and vanilla in a heatproof bowl with a tablespoon of water. Place over a double boiler and stir until combined and soft. Spread the icing over half of each cookie before adding the chocolate to the bowl and heating until combined. Spread the chocolate icing on the other half of each biscuit and leave to set for five minutes.

Then devour, chattily, like Simon is in real life.

 

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Jenna Lewiscuits waiting for our fellow fame hungry Survivor All Star Jenna Lewis.

Jenna Lewiscuits

Side, Snack, Survivor, Survivor: All Stars, Survivor: Borneo, Survivor: Island of the Idols

Well lookie here, can you believe we’re almost back for another season to see whether we can do a more elaborate shark jumping than last season? I mean, sure, Chris broke the pizza curse by returning to the game and securing victory, but can we be sure if pizza won’t be a curse when you don’t have a safety net? Who knows.

In any event, I stick by the old adage that bad Survivor is still better than no Survivor and last season did give us the majesty of Chris’ package and flashy – not in an Australian Survivor way, sadly – end game if something I will defend until my last breath.

Given last season’s countdown finally caught me up on having the suite of victors dropping by on record, I decided that it was time to celebrate some of the non-winning icons of the game. And while Jenna may not be remembered fondly for turning on the winners in All Stars, I will always hold a special place for her in my heart.

I mean, she was one of the few people to try and break apart the tagi alliance in Borneo, famously missed out on a video from home as her family forgot and then returned to All Stars and famously set the tone, cutting Tina first and making all winners targets.

She was thrilled and honestly, kinda shocked, to receive a call asking her to drop by and help me countdown to Island of the Idols since as she put it “I’m not what most people would consider a legend of the game.” Which truly kinda broke my heart.

I explained to her as one of the few people to vote for Rob to win All Stars, I considered her a rational gamer and felt wistful wondering what the timeline would look like had he won that game. I assume no Mariano duo in the potential and definitely not confirmed by spoilers season of winners at war … with each other, for instance.

With that, she giddily accepted the fact that being a returnee was enough to get and invite while we smashed some culinary sacrifices in the form of Jenna Lewiscuits, to guarantee Rob and Sandra don’t help the contestants on their island and instead troll them into making bad mistakes.

 

Jenna Lewis moments before smashing some Jenna Lewiscuits.

 

Fluffy and melt in your mouth, biscuits truly are a thing of glory – just ask Latrice ‘Slop-It-Up-With-A-Biscuit’ Royale! Not quite bread, not quite a scone, these babies are the perfect accompaniment for sausage gravy. If only Sam knew!

Enjoy!

 

Jenna Lewis smashing some Jenna Lewiscuits.

 

Jenna Lewiscuits
Serves: 6.

Ingredients
3 cups flour, plus more for dusting
⅓ cup milk powder
2 tbsp raw caster sugar
1 ½ tbsp baking powder
1 tbsp cream of tartar
2 tsp kosher salt
125g butter, cut into pieces, plus extra for brushing
½ cup shortening, melted
1 ½ cups buttermilk

Method
Preheat the oven to 200C.

Combine all the dry ingredients in a bowl. Add the butter and press through the dry ingredients with the tips of your fingers until it resembles wet sand. Add the shortening and stir to combine before adding in the buttermilk and folding through.

Transfer to a lightly floured surface and knead until just combined. Flatten into a one inch thick slab of dough and cut into two inch wide circles. Place on a lined baking sheet, brush with some melted butter and repeat the process until the dough is all used.

Place the biscuits in the oven and bake for fifteen minutes, or until puffed and golden.

Serve immediately – with or without sausage gravy – and devour.

 

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The iconic Margot Robbie waiting to smash a Pistachimargot Macarobbie

Pistachimargot Macarobbie

Baking, Dessert, Snack, Sweets

Oh my god, you have no idea how good it is to reunite with a fellow hometown hero slash celebrity friend like Margot Robbie. I mean, the girl is a bonafide global star, but the fact that she still has time for her dear friends like me, on the Goldie, is one of my favourite things about her.

While Margot was actually my friend’s little sister’s friend, we got to hanging out in the kitchen on sleepovers eating vegemite toast – as good Australian’s do – and planning our ascesion to Hollywood royalty.

We were both dominating the high school drama game with our talent and je ne sais quoi, but knew we were destined for greatness. I know my Hollywood staying power dates back to the ‘20s, however I had to assume a new identity after my thirteenth deportation. It truly was the lucky one, since I met Margs.

Given I was still trying to find a way to return to Hollywood, I suggested Margot takes over Australia instead. That led to Neighbours, which led to a Logie which always leads to a role opposite my dear friend Leo in a film by my friend Marty. Then came Allison, an Oscar nomination and no doubt that Margot was even more of a Gold Coast legend than me.

Sadly Margot and I haven’t seen each other since her Byron wedding – the first time I went back after Annelie and Miley had the cage-fight accident – but truly beautiful friendships can always pick back up as if no time has past.

We laughed, we gossiped about Quentin’s tenth and final movie – she thinks she can get him to drop the restraining order and give me a role – and most importantly smashed a pick batch of Pistachimargot Macarobbie.

 

The iconic Margot Robbie smashing a Pistachimargot Macarobbie

 

Sweet like Margot, nutty like me, these little babies are essentially the culinary equivalent of a best friend bracelet and you, my friends, can finally get in on the action. And you should, because we are cool and the macarons are delicious.

Enjoy!

 

The iconic Margot Robbie smashing a Pistachimargot Macarobbie

 

Pistachimargot Macarobbie
Serves: 2 besties.

Ingredients
¾ cup almond meal
½ cup pistachio meal
1 ½ cups icing sugar
4 egg whites
¼ cup raw caster sugar
¼ cup finely chopped pistachios
3 drops green food colouring
100g white chocolate, chopped
2 tbsp double cream

Method
Sift almond and pistachio meals together with the icing sugar in a medium bowl. Set aside.

Place the whites in a clean, dry electric mixer and beat until soft peaks form. Add the caster sugar one tablespoon at a time and beat until dissolved. Then add food colouring and beat until just combined. Remove from the mixer and gently fold through the meals until just combined, thick and glossy.

Transfer mixture to a piping bag and pipe into 4cm rounds on lined baking sheets. Sprinkle with chopped pistachios and tap on the bench to remove air bubbles. Leave to set for an hour.

Preheat oven to 130°C.

Place the cookies in the oven, one tray at a time, and back for twenty minutes, or until the tops are firm. Remove to cool on the tray on wire racks.

While they’re cooking, place the chocolate and cream in a microwave-safe bowl and cook for a minute, or until the chocolate has melted. Stir to combine and transfer to the fridge for ten minutes, or until thick yet spreadable.

Spoon mixture into a large snaplock bag. Snip 1cm from 1 corner of bag. Pipe 4cm rounds of mixture onto prepared trays, 4cm apart. Sprinkle each macaron with pistachio. Tap trays on bench to remove air bubbles. Set aside for 1 hour.

To assemble, place a small dollop of icing on the flat side of a cookie and sandwich with another. Repeat the process until done and leave to set for an hour or so. Or just devour, I don’t mind.

 

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Lamb Cassarahole & Ayles awaiting my dear Sarah Ayles to eat while I rant about Andy surviving.

Lamb Cassarahole & Ayles

Australian Survivor, Australian Survivor: Champions vs. Contenders (2019), Main, TV Recap

Previously on Australian Survivor Jonathan threw a spanner in all of the works, forcing everyone to drop their buffs – sadly not John’s speedos, though – and switched up the tribes. The three Champion women lucked out and stayed strong together in a Champ majority on the new Contenders tribe, while David and Luke were royally screwed as the only OG Champs remaining on the Champions tribe. Oh and Daisy and Shaun’s alliance was also split up, though that only became relevant after the new Champions continued in the tradition and lost immunity. You see Shaun had told Andy about his idol, who then spread the information to the rest of the Contenders on the Champions tribe, with Daisy overhearing and deciding that he is no longer to be trusted. With that, she approached  John and Baden to flip to David and Luke with her and blindside Sam – who never got a freaking confessional – which they did, leaving the OG Champs alive for another episode with an idol in each of their pockets.

We opened up with at the new Contenders tribe where Abbey, Ross and Pia were still lamenting the downgrade of facilities from what they were useful at Camp Champ. While the girls struggled in the squalor, sweet angel Ross tried to find the bright side and honestly he is too pure for this world. I just get the goofiest grin whenever he is on screen and I hope he knows how much I appreciate him.The tribe sat around bonding and downing coconuts, while Janine was thrilled to have the majority on her new tribe. Though was struggling big time when it came to remembering Casey’s name. Or was it Cassie. Talk then legit turned to eating Harry, despite his fake child at home. Pia’s serving suggestion was to turn him into a kebab. Harry then vowed that he will be taking control of the tribe and was thrilled that Luke or David likely went home at last night’s tribal.

Speaking of the new Champions tribe, Andy – who looks more like Sonic the Hedgehog than the original movie version that they’re currently fixing – was still shell-shocked by the blindside while David was thrilled to have found his way into the new majority so quickly, thanks to Daisy’s vendetta against Sam. Desperate Andy approached David to pretend that he was trying to protect David at the last tribal and honestly, the desperation reeks of insincerity and I need him out ASAP. And if that performance keeps up, I think I’ll get my wish. Sarah too was seething after the previous vote, so approached Hannah to float the idea of wooing Baden back to their side to get rid of Daisy in a revenge plot which sadly seems shortsighted given the Contenders early domination. Shortsighted but good TV.

Jonathan summoned the tribes to a rolling river where the Contenders were shocked to find Sam was booted the night before, none more so than Harry who had just felt confident enough to get arrogant. But back to the challenge where someone from each tribe who swim against the flowing river, with the last person staying in the marked zone winning a point for the tribe. First to three winning a Survivor cafe experience, so everyone was as thrilled as I was given swimming calls for speedos. Once again Luke and Matt faced off against each other, with Matt making quick work of Luke. Again. Leading to even more arrogance from Matt. Ross and Baden went next and despite starting strong, poor Baden wasn’t a chance against the surfing champ. Janine got out strong against Andy, until the current washed her away and Andy – urgh – got the Champions on the board. Abbey and Daisy proved an interesting match up, with both women working hard as Daisy drifted into Abbey’s lane and Abbey almost wiped Daisy off the course before ultimately, Daisy won the point and tied things up. The final match-up between Hannah and Casey was far less interesting, as Hannah washed right out of the field giving Casey the point and handing victory to the new Contenders.

The Contenders arrived at their cafe reward where Shaun was thrilled to finally take out a reward, Casey got her first confessional and Matt was struggling to understand why he wasn’t miserable. While everyone was frothing over the food, King Ross smashed four coffees and quickly started to lose his mind before having a power spew and coming back for seconds. Harry meanwhile wasn’t so thrilled and couldn’t move past the fact that Sam was voted out, while Abbey and Janine quickly got all of the information out of Harry and Casey, finding out Sam and Daisy didn’t get along, meaning Harry likely won’t work with Daisy or her ally Shaun. While Harry desperately tried to make in rounds with the former Champs, he didn’t look to be having much luck and felt on the outs with his new closest ally Casey. The latter however had other plans, leaving him for dead and buddying up to Janine, Pia and Abbey to try and save herself while Harry wandered around until he found the damn idol.

And while it is exciting for him, I just want to know what happened to his eye and if it is what happened to Benji’s last year as it looks angry.

Jonathan returned for the immunity challenge where two people from each tribe would be placed in chambers while their remaining tribemates would race over balance beams to collect buckets of water from the ocean to fill up the other tribe’s chambers. Given poor Sarah can’t catch a break, she was submerged in one of the Champion chambers with Hannan in the other while Casey and Pia were the potential drowning victims for the Contenders. It is pretty hard to tell who is leading at any given moment, so let’s focus on the fact Hannah seems super fun and entertaining and I hate that she is the last person remaining without a confessional. Pia was the first to be completely submerged, followed closely by Hannah while the two desperately tried to keep their noses above water before Hannah and Pia dropped out one after the other, leaving Casey and Sarah to battle it out. Tragically Sarah fought valiantly however it wasn’t enough as the Contenders kept a steady flow of water going into her bath forcing her to bow out, handing victory to the Contenders.

Back at camp the Champions assured each other that they did all that they could at the challenge before Andy tried to find a way to live to see another day. He then approached David as, to quote him, David is smart for a model and he himself is scary smart, so he thinks they will make good allies. Sadly for Andy, David could see through all of his lies though given he holds the power, he doesn’t really mind. Yet. He rallied his allies and suggested they get rid of Sarah, given she isn’t as agile as Hannah with everyone jumping on the plan quickly. Andy left the group and approached Sarah to see what she was thinking, with Sarah suggesting going to the top of the totem pole and get rid of Daisy. Andy then ran back to the shelter, lay next to Daisy and told her what Sarah and Hannah were planning, filling the icon with rage.

Sarah then wandered over to Baden and Luke at the well, telling them that Andy threw her under the bus before David and Hannah joined them. Sarah asked David what his plans were, with him admitting that he was going to vote her out … though would happily turn on Andy instead. David then said Andy was playing so badly he was planting landmines, forgetting where they were and then blowing himself off all up the beach and I LIVE. Daisy and Sarah then caught up with Daisy suggesting that she would be willing to get rid of Andy instead. The only certainty as they headed off to tribal council, is that once again David and Luke are safe and their two idols will remain in the pockets for another episode.

At tribal council Andy tried to downplay how shocked he was by Sam’s blindside before Jonathan congratulated David on surviving the insurmountable odds. David downplayed the OG tribes, reminding everyone it is a new game and they are one unit. Sarah admitted that the lines were well and truly blurred, while Daisy reminded them it is eat or be eaten. Hannah admitted it is too hard to trust anyone in a long term way, while Sarah alluded to Andy continuing to play the middle and Luke blurted out that there was some madness back at camp. Andy tried to be coy about the situation, where he shoved his hole leg in his mouth which everyone was aware of, before Sarah verbalised that she is the one that walked up on Andy’s dick move with the Sonic impersonator getting more and more nervous. Wait, no, cocky, as his fuck-up is only an issue for Sarah. John told everyone to pull their heads in, Andy spoke about the importance of trust – much to John’s disgust – while Sarah sounded defeated, warning them to all keep one eye open.

With that the tribe voted and despite me crossing everything in my body, praying to a wide range of deities and promising not to cuss anyone out tomorrow for asking stupid questions, it was my dear Sarah who was booted from the game as low-rent Sonic sped to smug another day.

Once again, I was a giant ball of rage as Sarah entered Loser Lodge and fearing that I was on the brim of freaking out, she took me in her arms and told me to breath through the pain. She assured me she was proud of the game she played, and glad to prove herself and while I fought back tears thinking of all the ways the game has tried to bring up memories of the tsunami for her and the fake that yet another woman was booted over a smug, beige male, I realised that all we needed – Sarah, I and the world at large – was a big comforting Lamb Cassarahole & Ayles to dull the pain.

 

Sarah Ayles joyfully eating Lamb Cassarahole & Ayles while I rant about Andy surviving.

 

Thankfully this rich casserole is glorious enough to wipe away some of the pain of seeing this icon leave the game. Earthy lamb, the tang of ale and the sharpness of some gruyere work together in perfect harmony to honour the ultimate survivor of this season who deserved so much better. #Justice4Sarah

Enjoy!

 

Sarah Ayles joyfully eating Lamb Cassarahole & Ayles while I rant about Andy surviving.

 

Lamb Cassarahole & Ayles
Serves: 6.

Ingredients
olive oil
1 onion, sliced
4 garlic cloves, minced
2 celery stalks, sliced
1 carrot, sliced
1.5kg lamb shoulder, diced
2 tbsp flour
200g mushrooms, sliced
2 tbsp wholegrain mustard
2 tbsp tomato paste
345ml bottle ale
2 cups beef stock
2 bay leaves
1 tbsp muscovado sugar
1 tbsp Worcestershire sauce
salt and pepper, to taste
1 baguette, sliced
100g gruyere cheese, grated
¼ cup flat-leaf parsley, roughly chopped, to serve

Method
Heat a good lug of olive oil in a dutch oven and sweat the onion, garlic, celery and carrot for five minutes, or until your kitchen is hella fragranced. Add the lamb and cook for a further five minutes or so before adding the flour and cooking off for a couple of minutes. Add the mushrooms, mustard, tomato paste, ale, stock, bay leaves, muscovado sugar, Worcestershire Sauce, and a good whack of salt and pepper. Bring to the boil, reduce heat to low and simmer for two hours, stirring occasionally.

Preheat oven to 180°C.

Once the casserole is thick and gloopy, top with the baguette and all of the cheese. Transfer to the oven and bake for fifteen minutes, or until the cheese is golden and glorious.

Sprinkle with parsley, serve and devour.

 


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Danté de Malvilliers Pudding

Baking, Cake, Dessert, Survivor South Africa, Survivor South Africa: Island of Secrets, Sweets, TV Recap

Previously on Survivor South Africa Mmaba was feeling all alone after Mike blindsided her when voting out their closest ally Mike. Feeling in the mood for a little blindside action herself, Seipei suggested that she and Rob will need to think about turning on Nicole and Steffi sooner rather than later. Cobus and Nicole were sent to the Island of Secrets to battle for one immunity, with Cobus taking it out while the remaining nine were split into groups to compete for triple immunity, with Dante, Mike and Jacques taking out the others. While Dante pushed to get Rob out at the upcoming tribal council, the rest of the tribe had other ideas, targeting Seipei for dominating the tribe. Mike told Dante about the plan, pissing off the zaddy, before ultimately Queen Seipei was blindsided.

Back at camp Jacques was feeling nervous about his place in the tribe after being left out of the Seipei blindside with Cobus. While he wasn’t nervous, Dante was annoyed that all the weaklings he tried to help didn’t take him up on the offer to help them vote out of Rob. He continued to be a ball of rage, cussing out Mmaba and Durao for not voting for Rob, vowing to join the majority to instead get rid of them. On the other side of camp Rob was running damage control with Cobus and Jacques who both assured Rob that they were thrilled at the outcome and only annoyed about the fact that they were left out of the loop. Nicole and Steffi joined the group to fill them in on Dante’s growing meltdown, with them all promising to fight like hell to make sure the angry zaddy doesn’t win immunity.

The next day we went straight to Nico for this week’s reward challenge where the tribe would face off in eliminations, first releasing a cylinder from a rope, the next digging out a further 12 cylinders from a sandpit and the final stage to carry another collection of cylinders on a tray over a balance beam and use them to complete a puzzle. It was for a huge overnight Samoan feast, so everyone was pumped to battle it out. Cobus and Dante were neck and neck, with Cobus first through to the next round, followed by an out of nowhere Steffi, Dante – who has a split in his speedos – Nicole, Jacques and Rob. Dante was the first through to the final round, followed by Rob and Jacques, just ahead of Cobus. Dante got out to an early lead, giving him a headstart on the puzzle while Jacques started to close the gap. Rob eventually made it to the puzzle while Dante struggled to pull the incorrect cylinder out of the puzzle, just snatching victory while Jacques breathed down his neck. Nico then gave him a chance to share it with two people, selecting Laetitia and Mike. Nico then offered him one more which he handed to Mmaba before opting to send Durao to the Island of Secrets.

At the Island of Secrets Durao was offered the chance to give up his vote for a cheat code at the upcoming immunity challenge, which he readily took even though his alliance desperately need his vote. He opened the cheat sheet to discover that the code of fuck-off long and tragically, the poor thing was played. Meanwhile at reward Dante was thrilled to take some time out of camp, breaking down about finally feeling present in the moment without fear. Laetitia felt so lucky to have experienced the culture, and that was before they all sat down to annihilate the food. Dante was starting to relish sharing the reward with people – despite his initial hesitations – hoping that it will make them think twice about booting him. Finally we checked back in with the camp where they were all assuring themselves that they won’t taken on reward because he is threatened by that strength, none more so than Rob, who was struggling to continually get beaten by Dante. Thankfully Rob is killing the social game, using the smaller numbers at camp to lock in Cobus’ loyalty, which he can sense is slipping away.

Back at the Island of Secrets Durao realised that he won’t be able to see the cheat sheet without light, just as the sun went down leaving him to desperately cramming in the fading light. We returned to the reward where the group were trying to come together, identifying Jacques and Cobus as the most dangerous people left in the game. Dante assured them that he is in and all he is asking for is loyalty in the upcoming vote. They decided to make Jacques feel so nervous ahead of tribal council that he burns his idol, while they all vote out Cobus instead. They then discovered their bed and mosquito net and honestly, their pure joy was heartwarming.

The next day the losers at camp were gorging on a huge feast of rice and bananas with nobody around to stop them, hopeful it will be enough to beat Dante at the upcoming immunity challenge and get rid of him. The victors briefly returned to camp before heading out to meet Nico for this week’s immunity challenge where they were reunited with Durao who was nervous about losing given his huge advantage. Nico then explained that the challenge would see Nico showing a series of images, with the castaways then required to show the combination – which Durao studied – in order. Rob was the first person eliminated in the very first round, joined by Mike, Steffi and Laetitia in the latter stages of the round. Round two claimed Dante, Cobus and Mmaba in quick succession followed by Jacques and Nicole, handing Durao immunity and proving that study always pays off.

Back at camp the tribe congratulated victory on his win, unaware that they could have potentially screwed their plans by losing his vote. Dante was feeling very uneasy about his place in the tribe, hoping that what they discussed at reward will come to fruition. Durao approached Mmaba who told him that Cobus is their new target and that they’re going to attempt to make Jacques nervous enough to get rid of his idol. Cobus, Mike and Rob got together to discuss splitting the vote between Dante and Mmaba, before Mike approached Rob, Nicole and Laetitia to talk about needing Jacques to burn his idol ASAP. Rob then caught up with Durao, who filled him in on the no vote predicament, before pulling in Mike to lock in the vote for Dante and Jacques. 

Rob and Steffi caught up to confirm the Jacques back-up vote, while Mike approached Mmaba and Durao to catch them up to speed. Mmaba however was feeling loyal to Dante, worried about turning on him too soon. She then approached Steffi, Nicole and Cobus – in a tiny red speedo, swoon – to see whether she could find a crack and save Dante, who was busy sleeping in a hammock nearby. While it seemed like a bad idea, the fact that Dante was so relaxed was starting to make everyone nervous, unsure if that means that he has an idol. Mike used this uncertainty to make Jacques nervous, hopeful it is enough to get him to burn it. Though he is vowing to hold strong, knowing that even if he plays it, it only saves him one extra tribal.

At tribal council Dante and Jacques acknowledged that they’re the ones in trouble at tribal council, with Dante knowing his is a target because he isn’t willing to be someone’s lap dogs who are the ones that continually survive tribal council. Cobus countered that it is only because he doesn’t have the relationships, and not having an alliance is why he is leaving. Jacques jumped in to point out Rob and Steffi were starving, which makes them less of a threat than say, Dante, who had won every reward since the merge. Nicole and Dante acknowledged the fluid nature of alliances, though the latter lamented that unless the people on the bottom join together with him, they are destined to follow him out the door. Cobus got annoyed that Dante was questioning him feeling great about his place in the tribe, Rob pointed out that tribal will be easy while they still have a common enemy … named Zadante. Nico then queried who the target will be once Dante goes, making Rob nervous and quickly pointing out that they can’t think too far ahead. 

Steffi reminded everyone to stick with their alliances before going on a weird speech about half truths, which sadly worked by making Jacques nervous. They then spoke in rumours, pissing Nico off before Steffi acknowledged that she is annoyed that her alleged idol hasn’t told her about it. Dante got angry, pointing out that it is a hidden immunity idol and she needs to get over it, while Jacques said that if she gives him half-truths, why can’t he give the same. Essentially. Nicole said that her vote is based on what is easiest for her going forward and Rob was sticking with the numbers while Cobus sassily whispered to Jacques like the icon he is. With that, the tribe voted and tragically Zadante’s run came to an end … just before the lining broke in his hole riddled speedos.

Needless to say, I was heartbroken to see Dante walk into Ponderosa and started screaming uncontrollably until he pulled me in for a tight hug until I calm down. Three hours longer than I actually needed, I told him I was ready to talk about his loss and try and bring him some comfort. I told him to go get changed into something comfortable – leaving his dirty clothes aside for me to launder – as I whipped up a duo of Danté de Malvilliers Puddings.

While malva pudding is relatively simple to make, it sure packs a delicious punch. A light, delicate sponge covered in thick, sticky caramel, it is the perfect thing to celebrate my love Dante. Particularly if I need to wipe some sauce off his beautiful chest.

Enjoy!

Danté de Malvilliers Pudding
Serves: 2 lovebirds, or 4 regular folks.

Ingredients
125g butter, plus 2 tbsp
2 ¼ cup raw caster sugar
1 egg
1 tbsp apricot jam
1 tsp bicarb soda
½ cup milk
1 cup plain flour
1 tbsp vinegar
¾ cup cream
1 tbsp vanilla essence

Method
Preheat the oven to 180°C.

Cream two tablespoons of butter with ½ a cup of raw caster sugar until pale and combined. Add the egg and jam and beat until fluffy and well combined.

Dissolve the bicarb in the milk and add to the creamed butter, alternating with flour until well combined. Add the vinegar and beat for a further minute.

Transfer the batter to a round baking dish, cover with foil and place in the oven to bake for an hour.

While the pudding is cooking, combine the remaining butter and sugar in a saucepan with ¼ cup of water and bring to the boil. Simmer for two minutes before adding the cream and vanilla. Cook for a further couple of minutes before removing from the heat.

Once the pudding is done, serve immediately, generously drizzled is the sauce.


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Merylktert Szolkiewicz

Baking, Dessert, Pie, Survivor South Africa, Survivor South Africa: Island of Secrets, Sweets, TV Recap

Previously on Survivor South Africa Ta’alo narrowly secured immunity in the final immunity challenge – with Durao being the only one to know the merge was imminent – with Cobus rallying the tribe to stick together she a merge be happening anytime soon. And honestly, I’m not sure whatever happened because he too is hot. Despite Durao snatching an idol on the Islands of Secret, he didn’t feel the need to play it since Geoffrey came up with a plan to blindside Nathan, while baited Meryl and Dante into playing their immunity idol. At tribal council Geoffrey was a bit too good at baiting Dante, with them having an ugly, heated fight, leading to his plan coming together perfectly as Meryl played her idol and Nathan was booted from the game and no longer dateable, since he missed merge. Despite the SA speedos.

Back at Sa’ula Geoffrey was worried about any backlash from tribal council. Thankfully Meryl wanted to nip things in the bud, saying that she isn’t the villain and hasn’t lied to anyone. Which Nicole was not buying at all. Speaking of Nicole, Dante was now branding her unstable before Meryl told him that he needs to reel it in and not burn all the bridges. Nicole approached Dante and Meryl to clear the air, though continued to talk in circles which pissed Dante off which led to him cursing her out and burning the charred out bridges until the ash floated away on a light breeze. And just like that, my boner is killed. Things still weren’t looking good in the cold light of day as the tribe talked about the blow-up, with Nicole glad that everyone got to see Meryl and Dante’s true colours and hopeful her bond with Geoffrey and Mmaba will be enough to drag her to the merge. Dante too was still seething, feeling like Nicole was talking over him and putting her finger in her face and hot damn, I need to catch up with Alicia Calaway. 

The tribes met Nico in the jungle where Rob was crushed to discover that Nathan had been voted out of the game, vowing to stop playing nice immediately. But that is not we’re here for – the merge has arrived and everyone was thrilled to be done with their tribes and chow down on a huge Steers feast. While I hate the product placement – I mean, where is my plug – those burgs’, fries and thickies look amaze. Rob quickly moved on from his boyfie Rob, pulling Mike in for a hug and pledging allegiance before whispering to Jacques that they too will get there. Before Rob had aligned with everyone, the tribe sat down to devour their meals, rivalling Meg Ryan with their reactions. Well until Seipei asked Nicole what happened that lead to Nathan’s departure, with her saying how hard the night before handing over Nathan’s necklace to Rob, bringing him to tears. 

Jacques buddied up to Dante and Meryl to find out what they had been up to, Laetitia led the charge was a swim scene while poor Durao realised that he was lactose intolerant and shouldn’t have had the milkshakes. While the tribe swam, Meryl and Dante pulled Cobus and Jacques aside to fill them in on how badly they screwed things up the night before, pissing Geoffrey off in the process given he believes immediately scrambling is in poor taste.

Back at camp the tribe discovered that they had been gifted a couch, tea and coffee, though the price was a lack of shelter. As they started again, the tribe split up to work with Meryl highlighting how well connected Nicole is in the game, which made her the biggest threat. Meanwhile Geoffrey started to regret blindsiding Nathan, worried that it put a target on his back. Speaking of said target, Meryl approached Steffi and explained what had happened with the blindside and how Nicole broke their trust. While Steffi tried to downplay the connection of the OG tribe, she immediately approached Rob to hang out and work with Cobus, who was now hoping to slide under Rob’s wing and be his new number two. He then reminded everyone that not everything in life is straight and I live. Also living is Durao, who was getting a massage from Meryl as she continued to try and find anyone to align with.

Back at the well Steffi and Laetitia approached Nicole to find out what happened last night and whether Meryl is telling the truth, with Nicole explaining that she didn’t want to make the decision she made last night but she had to. And at the end of the day, they were so rude to her they no longer deserve an explanation. The trio cheersed to relationships and just like that, Laetitia is back to being my Queen – loitering around, not being a target and befriending everyone. Down by the shore Jacques and Rob smashed some take away, with Jacques filling him in on the extra vote for the upcoming tribal council. Before they could plan any further, Nicole joined them and tried to deflect from the truth about Nathan’s blindside.

The next day Mike, Geoffrey and Mmaba got together after breakfast to figure out where all the numbers lay, and who best to align with. They agreed Rob would be a great meatshield and Jacques would be helpful, and while they used to be close with Geoffrey, he has caused drama and may paint a target on his back. Over at the well Rob and Seipei got together to talk about how angry they are at Nicole for her betrayal, though agreed that she has nobody else to align with and as such, her desperation will keep her loyal. Nicole pulled Rob aside – with Geoffrey loitering behind them to eavesdrop – to explain that whether she voted him out or not, he was going that night and would have quit, so had to go with the flow to avoid taking any heat. While he said he believed her, she still looked down and she knew that she needed to get Seipei to help smooth things over. She pulled her aside and explain the situation before pulling out Nathan’s half idol, and vowing to work together to use it for them when needed. WIth them wedded by idol, Nicole approached Steffi to clear the air and while Steffi was understanding, she told us that her new alliance was more important, putting Nicole on the outs.

Nico returned for the first individual immunity challenge of the season, which is the Shi-Ann Huang and Parvati Shallow memorial hold your hand above your head while tethered to a bucket of water, with the last person standing dry wins immunity. And in addition to immunity, the victor could send someone to the Island of Secrets, rendering them immune as well. Queen Laetitia literally dropped out straight away and I honestly think she thought that she had to pull the bar down when Nico said go. Dante, Mike and Seipei quickly followed, while Meryl annoyed the shit out of everyone by humming to herself. Mmaba dropped out while Nicole terrorised everyone by talking about snacks, which then claimed Durao and Meryl. After an hour, Zaddy Cobus dropped out while Nicole annoyed the shit out of me, despite me not even being starved. After two hours Nicole ran out of menu items, so Nico added torture telling everyone the would now have to balance on just one leg, claiming Jacques, Nicole and Rob, leaving Steffi and Geoffrey to battle it out for immunity. WIth Geoffrey finally losing is balance, handing immunity to Steffi and herself, as she opted to send herself to the Island of Secrets to avoid the drama of tribal.

Steffi arrived at the Island of Secrets and it became clear that she thought that she had to go their to maintain her immunity before explaining she didn’t even want to win immunity and only pushed through to avoid Geoffrey getting it.

Back at camp the tribe yakked it up as they washed the painted war off the water before Meryl and Dante started talking about the vote, wanting to get rid of Nicole for being annoying or Geoffrey for being the biggest threat. Dante pulled in Jacques, Cobus, Meryl, Laetitia and their extra vote to target Geoffrey. Rob too was planning to take out Geoffrey, until he noticed Meryl scrambling like mad and he realised that she is the more pressing concern and as such, she needs to go ASAP. He then locked in the vote with Mike, Geoffrey and Durao, with them identifying Seipei, Nicole and Mmaba as trustworthy allies. Cobus, Seipei, Jacques and Nicole were the next to join Rob to discuss getting rid of Meryl, with nicole arguing that since everyone knows she is a threat, doesn’t that mean she is no longer a threat. And while they agreed, Jacques rightly pointed out that whichever pair they target out of Meryl and Dante, and Geoffrey and Mmaba, they need to break up the other one the next tribal. Rob and Seipei got together to talk about Nicole’s apologies, with both of them agreeing to sleep with one eye open. Cobus played coy with Meryl and Dante, who both wished Nicole was a target instead while Geoffrey too was nervous about how tribal council was about to play out.

At tribal council Nicole admitted that the merge has completely destroyed the hierarchy of the tribes, with this vote dictating where everything really stands. Jacques spoke about each different alliance having different ideas about how to vote, though they can come together to get rid of a common enemy. Cobus shared that he would be voting out the biggest strategic threat, Meryl pointed out that social players are the true threats which Dante jumped on board with and while it works for Nicole and Geoffrey, the fact he kept saying he let the cat out of the bag. Durao said that he is voting out the least socially aware female in the game, Mmaba was targeting a threat, Geoffrey and Rob said they were going with the numbers – while MEryl and Durao whispered, with her thinking he was referring to Nicole – while Nicole planned to get rid of someone that she can’t trust.

With that the tribe voted and piled up six each on Meryl before the latter secured the thirteenth vote and found herself becoming the Queen of the Jury. While I was heartbroken to see my fell curly head Queen exit the game, I am thrilled that it happened at the start of the jury which is one of my favourite places for someone to finish on Survivor. I assured her that at least she is still dateable as she made the jury and her long-term husband doesn’t need to divorce her, toasted a game well played and absolutely destroyed a Merylktert Szolkiewicz in her honour.

When you translate it, a milk tart doesn’t really sound very enjoyable but let me tell you, this little pie is damned near perfection. A delicate custard in a crispy pastry covered with a hearty sprinkle of cinnamon – glorious!

Enjoy!

Merylktert Szolkiewicz
Serves: 2 queens … of the jury.

Ingredients
125g unsalted butter, at room temperature
1 ¼ cup raw caster sugar
4 eggs
2 ¼ cups plain flour, sifted
2 tsp baking powder
1L milk
⅓ cup cornflour
¼ tsp vanilla essence
ground cinnamon, to dust

Method
Preheat oven to 180°C. 

Combine the butter, ½ a cup of sugar, an egg, 2 cups of flour and baking powder in a food processor and blitz until it all comes together to form a dough. Form into a disc, wrap in cling and transfer to the fridge to chill for half an hour.

Once chill, roll the disc out until it is 5mm thick and line two pie dishes. Prick the bases with a fork, line and add some baking weights and blind bake for 15 minutes. Remove the weights and return to the oven to cook for a further 10 minutes. Remove and leave to cool.

While the crusts chill, heat the milk in a saucepan until it boils before removing from the heat immediately.

Whisk the remaining eggs, sugar and flour together in a bowl with the cornflour and vanilla until a thick-ish paste forms. Whisk the eggs into the warm milk until smooth and combined. Return the saucepan to the heat and cook over medium for 5 minutes, or until it thickens. Pour into the pie crusts, smooth the tops and transfer to the fridge to set overnight.

When the pie has set, dust with cinnamon and devour. Regally like the Queen that you are.


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Perslix Blatjangodlo

Condiment, Preserve, Sauce, Survivor South Africa, Survivor South Africa: Island of Secrets, TV, TV Recap

Previously on Survivor South Africa Nico asked everyone to drop their buffs, when he knows full well I’d rather most of the men get in the buff. But alas, new Ta’alo was an even split of the three OG tribes, while Cobus was ridin’ solo at Sa’ula and Seipei was alone at Laumei, until her new BFF Tania joined the tribe, and made Rose-Lee and Durao public enemies one and two. After winning the immunity challenge Rob and Nicole convinced their new tribemates to exile Seipei and save her from the upcoming tribal council, leading to poor Rose getting booted from the game and Seipei unsure where she will now stand in her tribe.

Back at camp the tribe lamented Rose’s departure while Durao thanked them for keeping him around before low key reminding them that he is strong and as such, they need him if they want to avoid going back to tribal council. Since the other tribes are absolutely stacked.

Forgoing any other camp chat, Nico returned for this week’s reward challenge where the tribes would have to match pairs of tiles, with the first tribe reaching seven taking out victory. In the form of smoothies and supplements. More importantly they kept focusing on Dante’s package during the explanation and challenge and again, I am moister than an oyster. Obvi this challenge is hella boring, but let’s just say Queen Seipei dominated while Rob and Nathan sat out and did some cross tribal strategising, with Nathan pondering throwing immunity to gain control of his tribe. In any event Sa’ula won, Laumei came in second and Geoffrey was sent to the Island of Secrets while Rocco served a glorious nip slip-glasses combo.

I mean, this cast makes me bloody swoon.

The victors arrived at the smoothie bar, overwhelmed by the wellness and oddly not v. impressed by the wings? Thankfully Meryl kept things interesting, focusing instead on looking for a hidden advantage whilst everyone smashed smoothies. Try as she might though, she couldn’t get rid of her tribemates long enough to snatch the advantage. Eventually she resorted to looping in Dante so that she could run interference long enough for him to snatch the package. Isn’t the visual of Dante snatching a package all you could ever wish for? Oh and he was successful, obvs.

Back at Laumei the mood was mildly less jubilant as they split their fruit platter and Tania explained how best to eat fruit. Thankfully Queen Seipei continued to be the best, with everyone looking to her for support and guidance, despite her not wanting to play the role of camp mum. Even if it was something that she hoped could protect her for a while. Jacques, meanwhile, approached Durao to discuss aligning and while the latter didn’t really trust the former, he had no other option, so agreed and commenced trash talking Felix for being a total grumpy buzz kill. And just like that, the boys had a new target.

Over at the Island of Secrets Geoffrey was struggling to remember his tribemates’ names before discovering a dilemma to either snatch a jar of lollies for himself or a box of dry firewood. Like Jericho and Luke before him, he snatched the lollies and spent the rest of the day buzzing off a sugar high.

The next morning Meryl lived out my fantasy and woke up with Dante and went walking through the jungle … to read their clue, discovering that their potential hidden immunity idol will be hidden at the upcoming challenge. And just like that, I have Sharn PTSD and I can’t stop laughing through the desire to vomit for her embarrassment. We returned to Ta’alo where Geoffrey returned and told them extremely quickly that he had three options, the fake one being a personal advantage, before pulling the lollies out and hoping it would be enough to woo people to his side. As they were about to head off to the immunity challenge, Nathan pulled Steffi aside to float the idea of throwing the challenge in the hopes of getting rid of Mmaba. Which she was very much against, given she is super competitive.

At said challenge we learnt the tribes would have to swim out to a structure, climb up it, jump off and retrieve a bag, swim back and repeat until they were done. Then they would use the puzzle pieces within the bags to solve a series of slide puzzles, with the last one to finish going to tribal council. Ta’alo got out to an early lead while Laumei followed closely behind and Mmaba unintentionally played into Nathan’s plan, keeping the tribe well and truly behind the rest. Sa’ula and Laumei were on their final puzzle boards before Nathan made his way back to shore, before Meryl snatched victory for her tribe and the immunity idol for herself, while Jacques completely blew Laumei’s lead and despite his attempt to lose, Nathan secured victory for Ta’alo.

We followed Ta’alo back after the immunity challenge where Meryl was coming clean about having found a hidden immunity idol, worried that somebody spotted her grabbing it. While Rob thought it was a stupid idea to share the information, he was hopeful it meant that she is trustworthy rather than trying to display her growing power. Mwahahaha.

Back at Laumei Felix further highlighted his negative attitude, bossing the boys around as Seipei and Tania went for a walk to rant about Jacques blowing the challenge, while Felix made snide remarks about them losing. As the ladies locked in their votes for Felix, he continued to annoy Durao and Jacques without realising that he was only making the situation worse for himself. The four got together and confirmed Felix would be going home and agreed to gaslight him and pretend Durao is going home instead. Durao and Jacques then decided to add insult to injury and humiliate Felix with a fake idol on the way out, only for said fake idol to wash out of Durao pants when he went swimming. Though thankfully it drew attention to his crotch, which is always a win.

With that we arrived at tribal council assuming it would be a foregone conclusion, as Felix displayed extreme confidence while Durao continued to pretend that he is the one in trouble. Tania agreed that she will be sticking with tribal lines and today was all the more peaceful for it, Seipei hoped that she had done enough to save herself and Jacques admitted that he was embarrassed by his performance in the challenge. Oh and the blindside did come into fruition as Felix’s smug grin at Durao’s lack of idol play was quickly wiped from his face as he realised that everyone had turned on him and they were thrilled to see him go.

While Felix wasn’t thrilled to be blindsided so soon, he took it far better than his attitude would have you believe. I pulled him in for a hug and quickly distracted him, nervous about his reaction, so reminded him that people that go home after the swap, generally do so because they are a massive threat to everyone, which made him feel chipper in no time. But honestly, how could you be angry after smashing a vat of Perslix Blatjangodlo.

The name may be confusing to anyone like me that doesn’t speak Afrikaans, but this peach jam – aka perske blatjang – is so good, you won’t even care how clunky it is. Despite firmly being a chutney, this sweet and spicy sauce is the ultimate thing to smear on a sandie.

Enjoy!

Perslix Blatjangodlo
Serves: 4-6.

Ingredients
2 tbsp olive oil
1 onion, diced
4 garlic cloves, crushed
2cm piece of ginger, peeled and minced
2 tsp curry powder
½ tsp chilli flakes
½ tsp mixed spice
3 yellow peaches, peeled, destoned and diced
⅔ cup raw caster sugar
½ cup apple cider vinegar

Method
Heat the oil in a saucepan over medium heat, and cook the onion, garlic, ginger, curry powder, chilli flakes and mixed spice for five minutes, or until the onion is soft and sweet. Add the peach, sugar and vinegar, and stir until the sugar dissolves. Bring to the boil, reduce to low and simmer for half an hour, or until it is thick like chutney. 

Season to taste and allow to cool slightly before devouring on a sandwich. Or decanting into a sterilized jar.


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