Author: Benjamin Woodley Judd

Finnel Wolfhard Cakes

Dessert, Snack, Stranger Feasts, Sweets

It is All Hallows’ Eve eve and as such, I knew we needed to catch-up with the Stranger Things heavy hitter – after Eleven and Joyce, obvi – Finn Wolfhard. Aka Mike. Obviously, no shade to Shan, Mil, Gat, Cal and Noah. It’s just that the Wheelers really drove the entire plot, you know?

While I also didn’t meet Finn until he auditioned for the show, I knew that while his doppelgänger Noah would be best to play the vulnerability of Will, Finn was born to play the strong, dedicated – and this season, brooding – Mike.

Seeing his raw talent in the audition, I gave him free acting lessons on set and vowed to make him a star. Next thing you know, he landed a role in the hit movie It. I may have made some poor decisions that tanked my Hollywood career – not even taking into account the time I told Harvey Weinstein no – but I sure am a talented acting coach and career advisor.

It – no pun intended as it (again, no pun intended) is a basic word that I can barely get through a sentence without using – was such a treat to reconnect, toast to his success and plot where to next for his career. As you know, that is some hunger inducing business, so we were both thrilled when I got to whipping up some Finnel Wolfhard Cakes.

 

 

While they may not looking anything special, funnel cakes sure as, well, fun. Plus, they look like a spider-web that It would weave for that period he is a spider. Which I’m not actually sure happens in the movie, given the entire concept terrifies me.

Anyway, enjoy!

 

 

Finnel Wolfhard Cakes
Serves: 6-8.

Ingredients
2 cups milk
1 egg
1 tsp vanilla
2 cups flour
1 tsp salt
1 tsp baking soda
2 tbsp muscovado sugar
¼ cup butter, melted

Method
Whisk the milk, egg, vanilla together in a large bowl, and the flour, salt, baking soda, and sugar in another. Make a well in the centre of the dry ingredients and gradually add the wet ingredients until a smooth batter forms. Fold through the melted butter and allow to rest for five minutes.

When you’re ready to go, heat 1 inch deep vegetable oil in a large pot until nice and hot. Transfer the batter to a funnel and dribble in a stream into the hot oil. Fry for a couple of minutes, or until lightly golden. Flip and cook for a further minute. Repeat the process until the batter is done.

Serve immediately, dusted generously in icing sugar.

 

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Mummy Meatnoaf Schnapp

Main, Snack, Stranger Feasts

Yesterday marked the halfway point of our Stranger Things slash Halloween celebration Stranger Feasts – after my previous dates with Shan, Mil, Gats and Cal – and I realised it was high time we caught up with Will Byers himself, Noah Schnapp.

Similar to Shan, I first met Noah when he came in to audition for Stranger and despite getting him and Finn confused literally every time I see them – I mean, come on, they look like brothers – I knew that he was the only one for the part.

Or Mike. No Will, definitely Will.

As a dear friend of Winona’s, I took him under my wing and gave him tips on how best to win her over to foster that mother-son bond that is integral to the show. I would argue it was my tutelage of how Wins ticks that led to them forming the glorious relationship they have now.

Like all the kids before him, Noah was really excited to come and visit in Brisbane and to spruik the latest season. And to thank me for getting him a job opposite Petey Dink on Angry Birds, obvi.

After catching up and giving him a stern talking to about eating right, studying hard and being good, I realised that I may actually pass as a functioning adult. While that hit my extremely hard and filled me with rage, I took a deep breath and whipped him up a delicious (and nutritious) Mummy Meatnoaf Schnapp.

 

 

Without giving anything away about season two, I decided Noah needed a spooky meal that was far less murdery than the monsters attacking Hawkins. While these are essentially just patties covered in pastry, I would argue that is all you need. Delicately flavoured, moist meat(loaves), wrapped in flakey pastry? Tell me what more you could ever need.

Enjoy!

 

 

Mummy Meatnoaf Schnapp
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
500g beef mince
½ cup breadcrumbs
2 egg, lightly whisked, separately
3 garlic cloves, minced
1 carrot, grated
½ cup peas
1 tbsp Worcestershire sauce
1 tbsp tomato paste
1 tbsp dried oregano
1 tbsp dried basil
2 sheets puff pastry, cut into 1cm strips.
4 black olives, pitted and sliced

Method
Preheat oven to 180°C.

Combine the mince, breadcrumbs, one of the eggs, garlic, carrot, peas, Worcestershire, tomato paste, oregano and basil in a large bowl and scrunch to combine. Divide into 8, roll into a ball and flatten into patties.

One at a time, mummify the patties leaving space for eyes. Place on a lined tray, add two olive eyes and repeat until done. Brush each with the remaining egg and bake for 20 minutes to half an hour, or until cooked through and the pastry is crispy.

Serve immediately on a bed of mashed potatoes, splattered with bloody ketchup as required.

 

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Chilleb McDucklin Dumplings

Main, Snack, Stranger Feasts

How good is season 2, right? I mean, sure, there are always things that disappoint you when you’re expectations are so high – like Rory not ending up with Jess on the Gilmore revival – but Stranger Things has proven it isn’t a one season wonder. While I binged the episodes while catching up with Shan, Mil and Gats, I still won’t be dropping spoilers whilst catching up with the rest of the cast as we barrel towards Halloween. So relax.

Like Gats, I’ve been friends with Caleb for years after working as a consultant on The Lion King on Broadway. While I was swiftly fired after de-anthropomorphising the production and turning it into a gay spectacular – I mean it is set in the Pride Lands, duh – he admired my spirit, and we’ve kept in touch.

While he oft even takes my horrible advice – like when I told him appearing in Shades of Blue would be a good idea – the suggestion that he audition for Stranger Things truly was a career making move, so he still loves me.

Cal has been so excited to be featured on the blog – what a doll – so giddily arrived at my door ready to gossip about where his character will go in season 3 and whether appearing in Shades of Blue again is a good idea. The answer to the latter, obviously, was a big fat no.

While the reminder of that little career hiccup brought up a lot of guilt on my part, little Cal, like he co-stars, didn’t see to harbour any PTSD related resentment. Though with my Chillieb McDucklin Dumplings on the menu, how could he?

 

 

Now I don’t like to play favourites when it comes to recipes, but this is up there as one of my faves. Though I have a mild duck obsession, so that shouldn’t come as much of a surprise? Packing – rather than peking – a killer whack of chilli, the cook into perfectly crinkled brains. Then cover them in some chilli? Well my friends, then you’ve go a delicious Halloween blood bath.

Enjoy!

 

 

Chilleb McDucklin Dumplings
Serves: 6.

Ingredients
30 gow gee wrappers
1 large duck breast, skin removed
2 garlic cloves, diced
1 tsp grated ginger
3 shallots, roughly chopped
small handful of coriander, roughly chopped
2 red chillies, roughly chopped
½ cup tamari
¼ cup hoisin
¼ sriracha
1 tbsp toasted sesame seeds

Method
Roughly chop the duck and blitz in a food processor until it is finely minced. Add the garlic, ginger, shallots, coriander and chilli with a good whack of salt and pepper, and blitz until well combined.

Line the wrappers out on a dry clean bench and place a teaspoon of mixture in the centre of each. Brush the edges with water, crinkle close and place on a lined baking sheet until done.

Bring a large pot of shallow water to a rollicking boil. Place a lined steamer in and cook for 5 minutes, or until they’re at their brainy best.

While they’re cooking, combine the tamari, hoisin, sriracha and sesame. Once they’re done, toss the dumplings through the sauce and serve, blood splattered.

Devour, like a zombie.

 

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Gaten Ratarisoni

Main, Pasta, Stranger Feasts

You want to know the scariest thing about our Halloween spooktacular, Stranger Feasts? The joy and kindness of the Stranger crew – like Shan and Mil before them – makes me want to be a happier, kinder person.

I mean, it make me feel so violently sick I want to vomit up slugs like Will in the season 1 cliffhanger!

Anyway, my dear friend Gaten Matarazzo is arguably the most infectious happy person you could ever be around, so I knew he was the best person to help me honour premiere day. Plus, he is one of my oldest friends in the cast.

We first met in 2011 when he was starring in the Broadway production of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert. I was working as a consultant on the show after lying about my involvement in the film – my mum went to school with Sarah Chadwick, so it wasn’t hard to fabricate the work history – and dare I say it, was integral in its success.

And its abrupt closure.

Given that, I felt bad and vowed to help further Gaten’s career. Not that he needed any help landing the role of Dustin, given his killer audition. But once again, I’d love to take full responsibility for his success.

Gats arrived almost bouncing, full of excitement and energy for the wider community – which he didn’t like me referring to as plebs – to see season 2. I’ve already binged the entire season, of course – which I can’t prove, lest I were to spoil things – and wholeheartedly share his excitement for the cracking to get the attention it deserves. Though maybe that was the big bowl of Gaten Ratarisoni talking … because again, that sounds nice.

 

 

Spicy, rich and dotted with ghastly (looking) halloween delights, this rat infested risoni is the perfect comfort food as you buckle in for the return of Stranger Things.

Enjoy!

 

 

Gaten Ratarisoni
Serves: 6.

Ingredients
2 tbsp olive oil
1 onion, finely chopped
2 garlic cloves, finely chopped
600g spicy Italian sausages, skins removed and shaped into baby rat-sized
balls (aka, pinch one end)
250g mushrooms, stalks removed and sliced into a bat shape
1 tbsp chilli flakes
⅓ cup pitted black olives, sliced into ghoulish eye balls
⅓ cup sundried tomatoes, left whole to resemble bloody brains
500g risoni
400g can diced tomatoes
1 tbsp tomato paste
250ml cinzano rosso
2 cups chicken stock
2 cups baby spinach
1 cup mozzarella

Method
Heat the olive oil in a large pan over medium heat and sweat the onion and garlic for a couple of minutes before adding the sausage rats to brown for five minutes or so. Add the mushrooms and chilli, and cook for a further couple of minutes before adding the olives, sundried tomatoes and risoni. Give a good stir to coat before adding the tin tomatoes, paste and cinzano, cooking for a couple of minutes.

Add the chicken stock – yes it seems out of place, but beef is too rich for this – reduce heat to low, stir through the spinach and simmer for about ten minutes, or until the liquid has absorbed and the the risoni cooked through.

Remove from the heat, stir through the mozzarella and serve immediately, with the stringy mozzarella creating a mess of cobwebs as you serve. Which I am aware, mine didn’t … I was waiting for a new couch for the show.

In any event, devour.

 

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BBQ Pork & Luscon Pizza

Main, Party Food, Pizza, Snack, Survivor, Survivor: Heroes v. Healers v. Hustlers

Previously on Survivor, the tribes switched but thankfully didn’t break up the lovebirds Cole and Jessica. Well unless you’re Jessica, who spread word about her advantage to block a vote at the upcoming tribal to everyone on new Yawa. Meanwhile Ryan was sitting pretty at new Soko, remaining with ally Ali and united with Chrissy who he bequeathed the OG advantage to in episode one. None of that mattered as Levu lost immunity, leaving Devon as the swing vote between the OG heroes and healers … until Jessica’s advantage stripped him of his vote, followed by Joe successfully playing his idol, saving himself and sending Alan from the game.

Things were suitably awkward back at camp, with Ashley and Devon congratulating Joe on successfully playing the idol. While Ashley wasn’t a huge fan of Alan, she was feeling the pressure since, at best, she is two vs. two if Devon is on her side.

The next day we dropped by Yawa where the crackling fire started to freak out Ben, bringing up bad memories of his time in the Marines. Lauren then went to the beach to see if he was ok, making me realise that the two of them and Chrissy are my dream final three. And given his powerfully personal confessional, I am thinking his chances are pretty good.

Allowing me to use my tissues for another reason, Probst returned for the next reward challenge. Reviving the Millennials vs. Gen X classic, the tribe members arms and legs were bound and required to slither across the sand and push a ball to the end, before shooting said balls – not in my tissues – into a basket … for coffee and treats. Desi dominated, getting Levu out to an early lead, allowing Ashley to get to the second mat before Roark had even gotten to Soko’s first. Levu finished the course before Soko and Yawa had even finished, shooting a basket before Yawa finally joined them shooting and poor Ryan repeatedly struggled to get over the first mound. Levu took out victory as Ryan finally made it over the mound as Cole madly tried shot his final baskets, securing them coffee and Ryan a faceplant on the mat courtesy of JP.

Everyone was happy at Levu as they returned with trays of food and coffee, uniting the tribe after the previous tribal. That being said, the 6m torsoed Devon still wasn’t trusting Joe and pledged his allegiance to Ashley as Joe and Desi went for a pow-wow on the beach. While two vs. two isn’t helpful, they are confident that they’ll be able to sway Desi if the other option is rocks.

Meanwhile Ryan was busy apologising to everyone at Soko for his dismal performance in the challenge, cracking jokes and trying to make the most of his social game. We then heard from Roark for the second time in two episodes, where we learnt she was thrilled to be the swing vote in the swap … though I’m getting the vibes, she will get Julia’d by Ryan’s Aubry if they end up at tribal. Wanting to further her own game, Ali went for a walk with Roark to see what numbers they each have and whether they can work together. They decided to target the heroes, making Ryan nervous as he is closely aligned with their first target Chrissy.

Over at Yawa, Cole was eating their minimal food directly out of the containers, much to the chagrin of Lauren and Ben. Wanting to keep the healer majority, Jessica took Mike to get water and form a closer bond given Cole was fast becoming public enemy number one. Since Cole had obviously been unable to keep the whereabouts of Joe’s idol secret, Mike knew where to look and found the Yawa idol. Sadly while Jessica was present, forcing them into an alliance whether he wanted it or not.

Jiffy Pop returned for immunity where the tribes were required to swim out to a boat to collect three bags of rice before pushing them through a wall, walking them across a balance beam and tearing them open to find balls … which they then had to maneuver up a wall before landing them in a hole. With Ryan sitting out, Yawa got out to an early lead followed closely by Soko, while Levu struggled to get through the wall. They then hit the balance beams, allowing Levu to not only catch up but overtake and get a decisive lead, with Yawa following closely behind with JP singlehandedly tried to keep Soko in the challenge. Ben made quick work of sticking the first ball in, giving Yawa the lead with Devon close behind and Soko falling out of it. Jessica and Cole also made quick work of the wall, handing Yawa immunity while Chrissy bombed the wall … allowing Desi to secure the other immunity for Levu.

Back at camp Chrissy was feeling anxious after bombing the challenge, making her vow to play big. Identifying Roark as the biggest player in the game, she pulled her aside with the view to forming an all women alliance. While Roark said she was interested, she most definitely was not and Chrissy knew it. She then approached JP – who’s chest hair is really growing out quite nicely – and Ryan about taking out the girl in the middle – so Chrissy is Aubry? This put Ryan in a hella awkward position, as Ali was firmly in the Roark camp and his other ally wanted her out. Totes awkies, as they say.

At tribal council Ali quickly started throwing shade at Chrissy for bombing the challenge, which didn’t set well with Queen Chrissy who immediately jumped in to defend herself. Ryan gave a non answer, giving no hint as to which way he was leaning. Roark got extremely sassy about Chrissy not approaching her until they lost the challenge, Ryan and JP were allegedly concerned about Roark and Chrissy’s chat by the beach despite the fact they’re clearly voting for each other. Ali made a subtle pitch to Ryan, about trust being earned at tribal council … which clearly didn’t work as he joined JP and Chrissy to send Roark from the game.

I first connected with Roark while she attended Vanderbilt University. My ex Anderson Cooper begged me to act as a life coach slash mentor at his great-great-grandfather’s university and my friendship with Roark makes me grateful for not being able to say no to that silverfox. As a superfan, she was gutted to go pre-merge but the pain quickly disappeared when she saw my BBQ Pork & Luscon Pizza.

 

 

While we barely heard from Roark pre-swap, I can attest that she is worthy of this majestic pizza. Now I know pineapple is a contentious ingredient on a pizza, it more than earns its place here – the sweet fruit perfectly cuts through the hot chilli and tart olives to leave you wanting more. Kinda like how you feel about Roark’s edit, you know?

Enjoy!

 

 

BBQ Pork & Luscon Pizza
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
2 bases as per Pizsa Zsa Gabor
passata and italian herbs, for the aforementioned bases
3-4 pork & fennel sausages, casings removed and fried into meatballs
3-4 rashers bacon, cut into strips and fried until crisp
⅓ cup diced pineapple
1 red onion, thinly sliced
⅓ cup black olives, pitted and sliced
pickled jalapenos, to taste
¼ cup BBQ sauce
1 cup mozzarella cheese

Method
Preheat oven to 180°C and prepare bases as per Zsa Zsa’s method.

Smear the dough with the passata and italian herbs, top with the sausage balls and bacon, sprinkle over the pineapple, onion, olive and jalapenos, artistically pour over the sauce and cover with cheese. Bake for twenty minutes, or until golden and crisp.

Then devour, regretting your place on the jury.

 

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Millie Bobby Upside Down Dip

Dip, Party Food, Side, Snack, Stranger Feasts

With Stranger Things returning tomorrow, there is one thing on everybody’s mind – other than how we can get justice for Barb, obvi – where the hell is Eleven? Well the answer, clearly, is sitting in my kitchen catching up with her dear friend and mentee.

Yes, you read that right – mentee.

After seeing that she was my role model whilst teasing her visit, Mil put together a comprehensive mentor-mentee plan so that she could show me how to become an it girl of the modern age. What a damn saint!

I’ve known Mil for a couple of years, after meeting her whilst a part of Whoopi Goldberg’s entourage on the set of Once Upon a Time in Wonderland. While that show was a total flop, her talent was evident – girl didn’t get an Emmy nom for nothing – and when she came in to read for Stranger Things, I knew she was the only person that could possibly play El.

Given that I am solely responsible for her big break, Mil said she wanted to pay me back and knew that mentoring me was the only thing she could offer. While I’d normally scoff at seeing someone overtake me and try to tear them down, she is such a sweetie that I genuinely want her guidance. It is so out of character for me, but whatevs.

We quickly worked through her exceptional plan before watching the first couple of episodes – which are amazing – and devouring a big, fat, sickening bowl of my Millie Bobby Upside Down Dip.

 

 

The only thing better than tacos, nor is there anything better than dip. Add them together, put your thing down, flip it and reverse it … and you have a delightful snack. I mean, cheese, spice and all things nice? This is the culinary equivalent of the Powerpuff Girls.

Enjoy!

 

 

Millie Bobby Upside Down Dip
Serves: 6-8.

Ingredients
400g refried beans
250g cream cheese, softened
½ batch George Takeios meat
1 cup Salsa Struthers
1 cup cheddar cheese, grated
2 tortillas, cut into the shape of headstones
olive oil
Tortea Leoni chips, to serve
shredded iceberg lettuce, to serve
tomato, diced, to serve

Method
Preheat oven to 180°C.

Combine the refried beans and cream cheese in a large bowl, stirring until thoroughly combined.

Spread the taco mince across the bottom of a medium baking dish, sprinkle over the salsa and half the cheddar, before spreading the cheesy beans over the top before sprinkling the remaining cheese – and then some – over the top.

Transfer to the oven and bake for 20 minutes.  Line the headstones on a lined baking, drizzle with olive oil and bake for the last five-ten minutes.

Serve immediately, with the graves eerily spiked throughout the yard and covered in the bloody grass of lettuce and tomato.

 

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Shannongria Purser

Drink, Stranger Feasts

There is no better way to kick off our Stranger Things party than by catching up with my dear friend, protege and newly minted Emmy nominee Shannon Purser. I mean, I may as well get justice for Barb straight up, right?

I was working as a casting agent on the request of the Duffer Brothers and Winona when I was blown away by her majestic audition for the now iconic role of Barb. Her talent was raw and she had such a kind, kind soul that I knew she needed a friend that could finesse the unshaped talent and aggressively protect her.

While we’ve only been friends for the past two years, our bond is unbreakable. I mean, I even forgave her after she refused to withdraw from Emmy contention when I grew worried justice for Barb would cost Alexis Bledel her rightful Emmy. I mean, It probably didn’t hurt that she still won?

She ran to my arms at the airport, so excited to be visiting me in Brisbane – lol, jokes on her – and to fill me in on all her upcoming projects. While I was crestfallen that she could swing me a role as Kevin’s lover on Riverdale, I was thrilled that she did me proud with Melissa on the upcoming Life of the Party . So again, all was forgiven.

Despite, tragically, not being found as safe – slash alive – as Will, I knew that Shan needed to be front and centre for our Stranger Things celebrations to toast to her ongoing success … and, obviously, for justice.

And there is nothing more toast worthy, or just, than a big ol’ pitcher of Shannongria Purser.

 

 

Sure, Shan is technically only 20 but given our legal drinking age is 18, I thought it was ok to let her enjoy a libation that wasn’t non-alcoholic. And enjoy she did. The depth of the red works perfectly with the tang of the citrus and blueberries to create a scarily good drink.

Enjoy!

 

 

Shannongria Purser
Serves: 2, no judgement.

Ingredients
¼ cup muscovado sugar
2 bottles red, I prefer Cabernet Sauvignon
¼ cup brandy
1 cup soda water, chilled
2 oranges, thinly sliced
1 lime, thinly sliced
½ cup frozen blueberries, still thawing

Method
Place the sugar in a small saucepan with a cup of sugar and bring to the boil. Remove from the heat and allow to cool for about half an hour.

Once cooled, combine everything in a jug. Stir, pour and down.

 

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Upside down, boy you turn me

Halloween, Stranger Feasts

After the spooktacular success of our first Halloween celebration – Werewolf Bar Mitzvah, for those playing at home – last year, my dear friend Wino gave me a buzz to see if i’d reserve the slot to help her promote the latest season of her show.

You may have heard of it?

Stranger Things?

My friend Winon is in it as the badass mother?

It lead to her killer facial expressions at the Screen Actor’s Guild Awards that lead to me erroneously driving her to UCLA medical centre, fearing she was suffering a stroke.

Given I am a huge fan of the show, Millie Bobby Brown is my current role model and I want to help get justice for Barb any way that I can, I jumped at the chance and invited the whole – well, almost – crew over to mark the premiere and the hallowed veen.

Which is non-alcoholic for the kids. Whoooooooooo will be joining me tomorrow, as we kick of our Stranger Feasts?

Image source: Netflix.

 

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Coconut Richa

Side, Snack

After spending the last couple of weeks ending feuds and celebrating the finale of Australian Survivor – and the rump of cray Patrick / cray Alan’s strip searched on the OG version – I decided it was well and truly time to lighten things up with one of my sanest, lightest friends, Coco Rocha.

And I’m not just talking about her model figure, she truly is the lightest, sweetest person I possibly know.

While we’ve only know each other since 2011 after meeting on the set of ANTM: All Stars, she truly is one of my dearest friends. She was guest judging and was completely terrified of my frenemy Tyra, so I took her under my wing and acted as her guardian / gave her tips to stay on the right side.

Oh how poor Tiffany could have used those tips …

Given her young family, Cocs has been super busy and we haven’t caught up in the last year or so, so it was such a treat to sit down, relax and reconnect. While I did float the idea of trying to help Tyra and Naomi – her friend from The Face, though not The Face that Sarah ran-up on – heal, we realised it was a stupid move, laughed and devoured our Coconut Richa.

 

 

Now I know it seems dodgy to only feed a model rice … but this is probably the least healthy was to eat it. With a big whack of creamy coconut, how can you go past it? Plus – it is the perfect accompaniment for a Massamanda Peet Curry or some Thai Chicken Meatburrells.

Enjoy!

 

 

Coconut Richa
Serves: 4-6.

Ingredients
2 cups jasmine white rice
2 cups coconut milk
1 ¾ cups water
salt and pepper, to taste

Method
Chuck everything, bar the seasoning, in a large pot and bring to the boil over a high heat.

Once bubbling, reduce the heat to low, cover tightly with a lid and simmer, stirring occasionally, for 15 minutes or so.

Once most of the liquid has gone, add a whack of salt and pepper, give a good stir, turn off the heat but leave on the for a further ten minutes.

Devour.

 

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Truffllan Ball

Dessert, Snack, Survivor, Survivor: Heroes v. Healers v. Hustlers, Sweets, TV Recap

Previously on Survivor, Chrissy and Ben ran the show at the heroes tribe while Alan quickly threw his alliance with Ashley and JP away as quickly as he made the latter remove his pants. Swoon. Meanwhile the healers camp doubled as love island with Cole and Jessica trading as many kisses as they did secrets. Of course that meant shit was happening at the hustlers, where Lauren and Patrick continued to feud before the latter’s craziness lead to his (rump’s tragic) boot.

Wanting to get straight in on the action, Jeff returned for the first reward of the season where – wait a minute, I’ve been bamboozled! – he followed Alan’s lead and got everyone to drop their buffs. Yes peeps, it’s switchin’ time! New Levu was made up of feuding Ashley and Alan, Desi who we’re yet to meet, low-rent Tony and Devon, who is 90% torso. Roark welcomed Ryan, Ali, Chrissy and JP on to new Soko leaving Yawa to be made up of the lovebirds, Mike, Queen Lauren and Ben, screwing the latter two.

With that out of the way, the tribes were required to untangle a rope that they’re tethered to before pulling a sled full of puzzle pieces towards them and obviously, a puzzle, for PB&J and chips. Getting in the spirit of ABBA, Probst announced that the winner would be taking all today, leaving second and third to bond over their starvation. New Yawa got out to an early lead thanks to the dominant work of Lauren, Ben and Cole, with Soko following closely behind while Alan, Ashley and Joe struggled. Drastically. While they eventually caught up, Yawa continued to extend their lead and snatched those sambos from the other tribes.

Back at camp, new Yawa got to work celebrating their victory and devouring their bounty. While Cole got to work introducing himself, his girlfriend Jessica discovered a secret advantage hidden in her bag of chips, allowing her to block someone’s vote at the next tribal. If Yawa don’t attend, she then has the luxury of anonymously bequeathing said advantage to someone on the losing tribe, which is mighty powerful given the swap. She then took her news straight to Cole and Mike, with Cole deciding that the best thing to do was to take said information to Ben and Lauren to build trust … DESPITE THEM BEING THE TWO PEOPLE SHE WOULD USE IT AGAINST ON THEIR TRIBE. Bless those nips, that is a stupid decision.

Lauren obviously wasn’t feeling the decision, knowing he was trying to win them over and instead vowed to use that information against him. That is how you play you beautiful idiot, Cole.

Meanwhile over at new Soko, Roark was feeling overrun by outsiders being the only healer on the tribe. Being united, Ryan pulled Chrissy aside to confess the fact he gave her the super idol back in episode one. They then formed an alliance and are my new ship, Chryan?

Things on Levu were already looking dangerous, as Desi identified Devon as an easy target or swing vote in her upcoming war against Ashley and Alan. Little does she know, that Ashley is not thrilled to continue to live with Alan. While they pretended like everything was good, Desi and Joe got to work trying to convince Devon that they were his only option. Sadly for Joe, Devon didn’t seem to believe his (aggressive) lie that the ex-heroes approached them to get rid of him should they lose. Which we should all know by now, they will.

Back at Yawa Lauren and Ben got to work wooing Mike to their side, with Lauren asking whether he had heard anything about an advantage. She then outed knowing about it, sending Mike running out to the lovebirds – who were fishing on the reef – to see who spilled the beans. Despite denying it when Mike was around, Cole eventually came clean to Jessica hurting her in the process and making her question their relationship. While that is incredibly naive and innocent, she is adorable, I love her and I want to make her hot chocolate and watch rom coms together and cry.

Hearing I was suffering, Jeff returned for the immunity challenge where each tribe had to maneuver a tray of puzzle pieces through an obstacle course before unlocking more pieces and, obvi, completing the puzzle. Devon quickly stabbed his dick on the first obstacle, as Alan smashed the tray around, thankfully getting them an early lead. Yawa quickly caught up, leaving Soko to slowly fall out of the challenge. Thankfully Chrissy dominated the lock section of the challenge, leaving Levu to fall behind as Yawa dominated the puzzle and secured immunity followed closely by Soko.

New Levu quickly got to work scrambling for Devon’s affections, with Ashley taking him for a walk to the well where Joe’s lie was officially outed. While the heroes and hustlers alliance seemed locked, Desi spotted them hugging be the well and took the information to Joe who decided to get the votes directed towards him so that he can idol someone out of the game. He then went into camp and brought back Alan’s crazy eyes, as he got everyone to talk about who they should vote out, pissing everyone off. While Desi was heartbroken that he blew up their games, he told her that he came in strong to draw the target on him, which she informed him just makes it more obvious that he has the idol. Devon went to pack his back on the way to tribal where he discovered that Jessica gave him the advantage, begging the question, how does that benefit her fellow healers?

At tribal, Alan was quick to point out Joe had out-crazied both him and Patrick as he threw Ashley’s name on the block. Out of nowhere, Ashley gave a great summation of the situation, saying that he felt she was the easiest target and seemed to get that confused with her being the weakest link. Desi then mentioned that Joe’s madness pulled her under the bus with him – I assume it’s the same one that Kelley pushed Terry under – making her a target if anyone is paranoid about the idol. Devon then spoke about being the swing vote, before each side confirmed that they will not be budging.

Jeff then sent them off to vote when Devon put a stop to the proceedings, bringing out his advantage which, plot twist, was actually a disadvantage, with his vote being blocked and the two pairs left to go head to head. As the votes were about to be read, Joe pulled out his idol and used his psychic abilities by staring down Ashley to successfully play it for himself, sending Alan out of the game as the fourth boot.

As you know because of my friendships with the Culpeppers (and Brad, blerg), I’ve long been an NFL mainstay, which is where I met and fell in love with Alan Ball over our mutual passion for men dropping trou. While we haven’t caught up recently, he and I were both so grateful to have me in Fiji to dull his swap-fucked pain with a big batch of my Truffllan Balls.

 

 

Firstly, I would like to apologise for not taking any chopped nuts with me to Fiji – those babies would have been the perfect addition to the truffles, whilst also highlighting the nuttiness of Alan. In any addition, they’re rich and tasty … and as smooth and salty as his abs after 11 days on the island. In a good way.

Enjoy!

 

 

Truffllan Ball
Serves: 4-12, no judgement.

Ingredients
300ml double cream
350g dark chocolate, chopped
2 tbsp smooth peanut butter
1 tsp salt
cocoa powder or chopped roasted peanuts, for rolling

Method
Bring the cream to the boil in a small saucepan over a medium heat. Once hot, remove from the heat and whisk through the chocolate, peanut butter and salt until smooth. Allow to cool slightly before pouring into a lined baking tray and transferring to the fridge to set.

Once chill – unlike Alan on the island – and set – like his abs, though – grab a melon baller or two teaspoons and shape the ganache into balls before rolling in the cocoa or chopped nuts. Place on another lined tray and transfer to the fridge to set for half an hour before serving and/or devouring.

 

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