Flour

Coffee El Scrowlands

Australian Survivor, Australian Survivor (2016), Baking, Dessert, Snack, Sweets, TV Recap

Previously on Australian Survivor, 24 Australians were marooned in Samoa where 21 had been voted out leading to what could be the most biege final three in Survivor history.

Thankfully I wasn’t allowed to dwell on this for very long, as we opened up on day 54 where El, Lee and Kristie were already on the way to the final immunity challenge where the producers finally did something right, and brought back fallen comrades.

While I normally love this segment – that Probsty cut from OG Survivor – this just served as another reminder of the wonderful people we could have had sitting in the final three. I mean, Des was hilariously misguided, as was Bianca, Evan never got to tell the cast about his secret career as a drama teacher, Pete … well he would have been a worse option, Barry was loveable, Tegan trained Becks, Rohan rocks a speedo and Kat is just fucking amazing.

Hell, even Andrew would have been more interesting.

Then we went through the darkest timeline where we were reminded that Craig, Phoebe, Conner and Kate were booted back-to-back-to-back-to-back, breaking more hearts than Rohan’s skimpy instagrams.

We obvs recapped the jury but given the fact I am hoping they will provide us with some entertainment later we’ll skip them, ok?

We arrived at the edge of a cliff – sadly not for a suicide pact resulting in Flick getting the title by default – for the most epically staged Hands on a Hard Idol of all time. And that includes watching Mama Kim dominate in Africa.

Before they got around to gripping the pole, JLP pulled out one final twist and whipped out the Final Three’s family. There were tears and proof that El is not the least eloquent person alive, Kristie is the only person left that knows who Richard Hatch is and Lee had major back surgery.

After getting some love, JoJo sent the Final Three over to the edge of the cliff where the tribe had to perch on small, stiff poles and grip an even thicker, harder pole – so yeah, it is completely in my element.

Sadly for the family members, it isn’t a great spectator sport – kind of like cricket, to be honest – and to make matters worse, it went for over 6 hours before El couldn’t go any further and had to be carried away, Bodyguard style (almost) by JLP.

Swoon.

With El out of the way, Kristie got to work making a deal. And by that, point blank told him to give her the challenge and cried … until he did stumble off, either from fatigue or mateship. Let’s be honest, mateship. After winning her first individual challenge, Kristie then appeared to finally snap before Lee apologised to El for ruining their shot at being Australia’s Romber.

Forgoing any form of scrambling, we then arrived at tribal council where the jury were in absolute shock and disbelief to see that Kristie had actually won the final immunity challenge. JoJo gave Lee a rundown of why he and El wouldn’t be voting tonight, before they both had an opportunity to make their case to Kristie. Obviously she gave El – who was actually playing the game – the boot, sending her into my loving arms at loser lodge.

Once again, yeah I’ve been hard on my beaut, mate El – we met in the army where she dobbed in my lewd behaviour, getting me dishonorably discharged – for making this season quite boring … but sometimes the best games are boring to watch (see: One World) and I quickly worked on forgiving her as she arrived for a commiserations cuppa and my favourite, an El Coffee Scrowland.

 

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El and I discovered this recipe on Sweet Perfection Cakes after lamenting the brutal way that – I want to say Arnott’s – removed these beauties from the shelves and ruined lives and the 90s arvo cuppa of Blend 43 my mum and I would share while waiting for my siblings to get home from school.

Yes – I snuck coffee at five, thus being so short. It really does stunt growth, yo.

Despite the fact I’ve tried to tinker with this to make it my own, it is perfection and takes you back to the joys of childhood. Arnotts, bring back my scrolls! And in the meantime, bake these – enjoy!

 

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Coffee El Scrowlands
Makes: 48.
Ingredients
3 cups plain flour, sifted
1 tsp baking powder
225g unsalted butter, softened to room temperature
1 cup muscovado sugar
1 egg, at room temperature
¼ cup small dried black currants
1 tsp vanilla bean paste
3 tsp cinnamon
1 tsp allspice
½ tsp nutmeg
½ tsp salt
375g white chocolate
few drops of red food colouring (the OG recipe called for oil colouring, but I used the generic water based and it worked a treat)

Method
Beat the butter, sugar, vanilla and spices on medium speed until light and fluffy. Reduce speed to low and mix in the egg on low speed. Remove from mixer, fold in the flour and baking powder and return to mixer on low speed until combined. The removal and folding is solely because when I don’t, I flour bomb my own kitchen.

Remove from the mixer and fold through the currants. Roll into a disc, wrap in cling and leave to rest for 30 minutes in fridge and preheat the oven to 160C.

Cut the dough into thirds and roll out between two sheets of baking paper until 5mm thick. Cut into mug sized(-ish) rounds and place on a lined cookie sheet. Repeat the process until all the dough is gone.

Using a spiral egg whisk, press into the top of each biscuit to give the scroll design. Obviously I did not have a spiral whisk so tried my best to be handy. D- for execution, B+ for effort – stay off my back, ok?

Bake for about 15 minutes, or until golden. Remove from the oven and cool on the trays for a couple of minutes before loosening and transferring to a wire rack to cool completely.

While they are cooling, melt your chocolate – double boiler, microwave, I don’t mind, do what you think it right – until smooth. Stir through a few drops of food colouring and dollop on to the centre of the biscuits when cooled.

Leave to set. Devour.

 

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Peaches Cobbler

Baking, Cake, Dessert, Sweets

As you should be aware by now, I’ve known most of my celebrity friends for a long, long time and am – not meaning to blow my own trumpet – the reason that 99% of them are even famous/successful.

My dear Merrill aka Peaches, however, is the exception.

You see, I only met Peaches in 2007 when she was playing Big Day Out. Picture it, Gold Coast, 2007 – which I literally just told you. A young, sexy ingenue was killing it on the d-floor of the Boiler Room to Shake Your Tits before collapsing to the ground due from sheer exhaustion from their dance majesty.

That young ingenue, was me.

Peaches quickly sprung into action, I assume due to her pre-fame teaching days, diving of the stage, taking me in her arms and pouring water over my head to wake me up. Side note, that inspired me to travel back in time and write slash choreograph the hit movie Flashdance.

Cutting the set short, Peaches took me backstage to recuperate and we quickly bonded over our mutual love of filthy song lyrics. The following nine years are arguably the best years of my life, as I got to experience the joy of forming such a beautiful friendship.

We both been super busy lately, what with her doing herself, appearing on the (finally) Emmy winning program Orphan Black and releasing a new album and with me, well, being busy, ok, so haven’t been able to see much of each other recently. This almost-milestone date, truly is an absolute blessing.

Now I know that this is only technically my 249th documented catch-up, but I’m just going to pretend this is my moment due to the inconsistent scheduling of Australian Survivor causing problems. Plus, I agreed to catch-up with Peaches when I thought she was going to be the magical 250th visitor, so I needed to treat the occasion like it was.

Plus, Peaches Cobbler is the ultimate party food, so why deny it?

 

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Sweet, rustic and deceptively decadent – the sweet peaches, work beautifully  with the earthy walnuts and the pillowy dough to fill your stomach, and heart, with unending joy.

Plus, you can slather it in ice cream. What is not to love – fruity nuts, dripping in a sweet, white liquid? Enjoy!

 

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Peaches Cobbler
Serves: 4-6.

Ingredients
4 cups peeled, sliced peaches
2 cups raw caster sugar, divided
½ cup water
1 tsp vanilla bean paste
100g walnuts nuts
1 cup flour
2 tsp baking powder
50g muscovado sugar
pinch of sea salt
125g unsalted butter, chilled
vanilla ice cream, to serve

Method
Preheat oven to 180°C.

Combine the sliced peaches, sugar and water in a large saucepan over medium heat and bring to the boil. Once boiling, reduce heat to low and simmer for about ten minutes, stirring occasionally. Remove from heat, stir through the vanilla paste and get cobblin’.

Blitz the walnuts in a food processor for a couple of seconds. Now you can either add all the other ingredients and blitz until the mixture resembles wet sand. Obviously I prefer the hand approach, if you do to decant the roughly blitzed walnuts to a bowl and combine with the flour, baking powder, sugar and salt. Chop the butter into small cubes, add the bowl and rub through the mix … until it resembles wet sand.

Now for the fun – add the peaches and liquid into a small baking dish, grab large balls of the dough and haphazardly place around the top to almost seal it.

Place it in the oven and bake for 20-30 minutes, or until golden, crisp and bubbly.

Remove from the oven and serve immediately, generously topped with ice cream. It may not look best that way, but it certainly makes it taste good.

 

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Gnokylie Evans

Australian Survivor, Australian Survivor (2016), Main

Previously on Australian Survivor, the editors finally made Nick likeable again just in time for the ‘good guys’ to convince his alliance to slit his throat, while they – the people who have never seen an episode of Survivor – lived to see another day and fight the good fight.

Sam, you’re meant to be hot and I should forgive you, but you’re not and I’m now annoyed by you. Lee, you’re hot so I’ll suffer through this with you. Anyway, the editors have opted to return Matt to the realm of the likeable meaning he is likely out by the end of the episode.

After tribal, Kylie finally lost the last shred of respect I had for her while grovelling to the cool girls – who let’s admit are playing hard and deserve to win if they make it to the end – while Brooke continued to play low key, downplaying tribal and trying to move forward and throw the attention off her.

The next day JL returned to the tribe after a seven week absence to comfort Matt after he was told he was on the bottom the day before – how that is a bad thing, i’ll never know. Matt continued his assault on my heart though, making me even sadder that he is likely going home at the end of the episode. Right?

Flick then escorted Queen Sue down to the shore to wash the pans and convince her that the truth from Nick’s tribal, was a lie. While Sue clearly saw it was bullshit, she played along and adopted the Sandra Diaz-Twine strategy. While it isn’t as big of a move as the ads had us believe, it is a successful one.

Again, Sue. Queen. YAS.

Brooke and Flick then went for a walk – which I would mock given they were called out for being so close, however their competition doesn’t seem to be very aware of anything so what do they have to lose? – discussing the merits of cutting Matt or Kylie’s throats.

Queen Sue then stated the obvious to the tribe, saying that Nick finally made everyone extremely paranoid leading to another emotional Matt monologue, making me even more anxious for his safety.

The tribe then arrived at immunity where I was about to say JL had returned to the game, already forgetting she returned ten minutes ago.

As an aside, can we just reiterate that JoJo wears a tee to challenges but a button through at tribal? It is like my nephew dressing up for Christmas Day and I love it. Give him a side part, and I’ll buy this kid some Lego for being so adorable.

Anyway, there was a whole lot of balancing, suspended ladders and ball play, because this is Survivor and the challenges are legally required to seem smutty. After a tough battle, shockingly coming down to three women, JL proved skilled with her balls and won immunity while Matt, Sue, Flick and Lee were sent to exile islandbeach until tribal council.

While sending almost half the tribe away to exile makes it kind of redundant, we were treated to double the scrambling … so win for the audience?

Over on exile, they were offered the chance of finding a hidden immunity idol however listened to Flick – who is in charge and safe – to not look for it, before locking in the vote for Matt. Well, two of them at least. Meanwhile back at camp, Brooke pushed to lock in the vote for Kylie. While Kylie, obviously, believes Sue is going home. And Matt believes he is going home, heartbreak.

Thankfully we arrive at tribal council – where Nick was looking very skinny on the jury and Sam, I assume, kept cursing him in parseltongue for being a snake – where JoJo could ask some aggressively leading questions to clear up what is happening and to call out Flick’s cover. Kylie was loving Flick’s story that the majority was progressing together, while Sue tried to play the middle with a non-committal response and poor Matt was forced to rehash the fact that he just wants to be loved.

Is that too much to ask?

Kylie then went in hard on believing in the people she trusted meaning, obviously, she was the next person heading to the jury … thankfully saving Matt 2.0.

As you’ve probably guessed, I first connected with Kyls whilst completing basic training. Is that a fire fighting thing? I have no idea on account of being quickly fired, no pun intended, from the fire service for my debilitating drug habit.

While Kylie had zero game for the latter half of the season, she did take me under her wing while I was struggling, meaning I well and truly owed her a big batch of my Gnokylie Evans as she made her way to – shudder – the jury villa. #Pounderosa for life.

 

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Full disclosure, I hate – because I suck at it – making gnocchi. Hate, hate, hate-ity, hate. It probably has a lot to do with the fact I’ve burnt my hands every time I’ve attempted it because I forgot it is a long process and end up trying to form the dough with searing hot potato.

I bet you’re thinking, why the fuck did this guy think a food blog was a good idea? Relax – I can cook, sometimes, when I’m not making moronic choices.

Choices, you know?

Anyway, I trust Valli Little with my life – whether she knows it/me or not – so have used her gnocchi recipe and it works, without burning the skin from your hands if the instructions are followed. Enjoy!

 

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Gnokylie Evans
Serves: 6 normal people, 4 in my house.

Ingredients
1.5 kg floury potatoes, peeled and chopped into a generous dice (larger pieces, less water absorbed)
large pinch freshly grated nutmeg
2 eggs, beaten
350g plain flour, plus extra to dust
250g pancetta, roughly chopped
2 garlic cloves, chopped
500ml double cream
zest of a lemon
1 tsp chilli flakes, optional
1 cup frozen peas, defrosted and drained
shaved parmesan, to serve

Method
With that, place the potatoes in a pan of cold water – this is important – bring to the boil and cook until just tender. Drain the potatoes, return to the pan and cook over low heat, stirring, for a minute or two to ensure they are dry husks aka without moisture.

Allow to cool. Say it with me and remind me if you ever hear me mention gnocchi, allow to cool completely.

Pass through a ricer or mash aggressively until smooth and your rage sorted. Add a pinch of nutmeg, eggs, a pinch of salt and flour and gently bring together with your hands. Emphasis on gentle, the dough is like shortcrust pastry – you want to work it only as much as you need to.

Once it has come together, dust the bench and your hands with flour and take about a quarter of the dough, roll into a 1.5cm thick log. Slice into 2cm lengths, use the back of a fork to roll the gnocchi to give you the imprint – press the fork down into the length and pull towards you – and place on a floured baking sheet to rest. Repeat the process until all done and allow to rest for an hour or so.

Bring a large pot of salted water to the boil.

Meanwhile heat a large pot over high heat and fry the pancetta until crisp, add the garlic and cook for a minute. Reduce heat to low, stir through the cream, lemon, chilli (if you’re partaking) and cook for about five minutes. Add the peas and cook for a further minute or two. Turn off the pan but keep on the heat.

Cook the gnocchi in batches until they rise to the surface, remove with a slotted spoon to a colander and repeat until they’re done.

Once they’ve drained completely, stir through the creamy sauce and serve, generously topped with parmesan. Devour.

Also yes, the parmesan looks crap – the shop was out of shaved and I am lazy, ok shady ladies of the Drag Race Reddit?

 

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Crepe Susan Lucci

Dessert, Snack, Sweets

Say what you want about Susan Lucci – and fuck knows I do – she is one of the brightest, kindest and most generous people I’ve ever been lucky enough to call my friend.

Whether it is taking my acidic barbs like a champ, losing DWTS or more importantly losing the Emmy year, after year, after year, after year, after year, after year, after year, after year, after year, after year, after year, after year, after year, after year, after year, after year, after year, after year – break to win – after year, after year, Suze accepts it all and laughs it off knowing that she is a wonder.

I first met Suze in the 70s when I was hired as a soap-fight consultant on All My Children, the success of which led to me being hired by Az in the 80s when Dynasty started. Despite only working together briefly, Suze and I became fast friends and I was always first on hand after her Emmys losses to provide her with love and comfort in the form of cripplingly aggressive humour.

So Rami & I were getting ready to leave Kit’s house, and I L.A. when I gave Suze a buzz to see if she wanted to catch-up. Chuckling, she agreed – knowing the roast she was about to ensue.

“Suze – I just dropped Rami off after we celebrated his Emmy win. Can you believe winning an Emmy on the first go … let alone a Primetime one?!”

“Sarah Paulson broke her streak – she only took six losses before converting one!”

“You know how you lost the Emmy 20 times? Tatianna Maslany won on her second go for playing twenty characters. I guess she is almost as bad as you, right?”

Obviously I actually got cruel and made off colour jokes, but I’d rather keep our aggressive relationship. It truly is way too special to us.

Either way, it truly was a great opportunity to reconnect and provide my commiserations for the axing of Devious Maids and end of her career. Well, until I launch the soap idea I’ve been playing around with.

Oh and get Little Whorephan Andy: The Andy Dick Story on Broadway – I know she’ll be perfect for the role of Andy’s mother.

Anyway, the sweetness wasn’t just relegated to our bond but my famed Crepe Susan Lucci which – fun fact – were the only thing that could cheer her up after her numerous Emmy losses.

 

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Like Suze herself, the crepes are lithe, delicate and humble, and the sauce is hot and full of zest, leaving you happy, content and full of love – can’t wait to see you next Emmys, Suze.

Enjoy!

 

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Crepe Susan Lucci
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
100g plain flour
salt
2 eggs, 1 whole, 1 yolk only
300ml milk
1 tbsp unsalted butter, melted plus extra to fry

Sauce
100g caster sugar
35g unsalted butter
150ml orange juice
1 orange, zested
3 tbsp Grand Marnier
2 tbsp brandy
ice-cream, to serve

Method
Place all of the crepe ingredients in a jug and blitz with a stick blender until combined and forms a smooth, thin batter. Cover and allow it to sit for 30 minutes.

Once the batter is nice and rested, heat a small frying pan over medium heat, melt a small dob of butter and pour in enough batter to cover the base. Cook for a minute or so, carefully flip and transfer to a plate. Repeat until the crepes are done.

Meanwhile, in another small frying pan over low heat, melt the sugar with a tablespoon of water. Add the butter, increase the heat and cook for about five minutes, or until it is golden brown. Add the juice, zest, liqueur and brandy and simmer for a couple of minutes, stirring. Remove from heat.

Once it has cooled slightly, dip each crepe into the sauce, fold it in half and in half again – aka quarters. Layer a couple on a plate, top with ice cream and devour.

 

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Amy MuSchumer

Emmy Gold, Main

Ok – so again, we’re catching up with another current Emmy nominee but I promise, this is the last one. Rightly or wrongly, but I’ll get to that tomorrow.

Amy and I are just way too similar for me to not include her in such an important occasion. I mean, both of us are praised as brave for posing nude (I’d argue that it is the photographer that is brave in my case, but I’ve digressed), have a penchant for smut and swearing and have felt the disappointed gaze of Michael Caine.

Plus she is a killer friend and is sure to take me as her date, right? Well wrong … but all is forgiven as she too agrees that Kit and I should go together.

I first met Ames in the early 00s when we both became involved in a shoplifting scheme, resulting in grand larceny charges. While she was able to plead down the charges thanks to her cousin, I bought my way out of my problems and fled back to Lisa Vanderpump’s mansion.

While we didn’t speak for a few years, we reconnected during her stint on Last Comic Standing. I was heavily involved in rigging reality television programs and was desperately trying to get my hands on NBC’s stable after my dear friend Bethenny/any/eny/annie/infghtsmjfjf lost on Martha Stewart’s Apprentice, so spent a lot of time on set.

The decade that followed will go down as arguably the greatest friendship either has ever had and the best creative partnership known to mankind.

Like Bryan, Ames has a breadth of nominations under her belt so thankfully was able to run a shit tonne of odds with me. Our choices, are as follows:
Outstanding Variety Sketch Series, Key and Peele
Outstanding Lead Actress in a Comedy Series, JLD
Outstanding Writing for a Variety Special, Tig Notaro

Notably – but not surprisingly – she only backed her show when she wasn’t listed as a nominee. I however back her when she isn’t up against JLD (and was right to back Teens and Ames in the Guest category). Adjust your betting accordingly.

After such a lengthy discussion, we were absolutely famished by the time it came to plotting the best way for me to get to Kit that I had to stop everything and whip up a huge batch of my Amy MuSchumer.

 

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Like Ames, the muschumer packs a punch, has a little bite and fills you with absolute joy. Coincidentally those are all aspects of my plan to woo Kit.

Enjoy!

 

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Amy MuSchumer
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
½ cup plain flour
2 tbsp cornflour
¼ cup water
¼ cup milk
6 eggs
2 tbsp butter, melted
1 tbsp chilli flakes
peanut oil
600g pork, cut into strips
¼ cup soy sauce
2 tbsp sake
2 tbsp oyster sauce
thumb of ginger, peeled and minced
1 large carrot, julienned
1 red capsicum, thinly sliced
100g shiitake mushrooms, sliced
6 shallots, sliced on the angle and one whole for the pancakes
2-3 cups shredded wombok
hoisin sauce, to serve

Method
Combine the flour, cornflour, water, milk, 2 of the eggs, half the butter, chilli flakes and rough chopped additional shallot and blitz in a food processor until smooth. Cover and stand while you make the pork.

Heat a lug of peanut oil in a wok/large frying pan over high heat and stir-fry the pork, in two batches, until browned aka about a minute. Transfer to a bowl and stir through the soy, sake, oyster sauce and ginger.

Clean out the wok/frying pan, add another lug of oil and stir-fry the carrot, capsicum and mushrooms for a minute. Add the shallots, wombok and pork and stir-fry for a couple of minutes, the liquid has reduced and the vegetables bright but tender. Remove from heat.

Meanwhile heat another lug of peanut oil in a small frying pan over high heat. When blisteringly hot, add the remaining eggs, lightly beaten, reduce heat to low and stir the eggs over themselves to form a delicate omelette.

Remove from the heat, roughly chop and stir through the pork mixture and keep warm while you fry the pancakes.

Heat a small frying pan over medium heat and brush with the remaining butter. Add about a tablespoon worth of batter to the frying pan, spread it out to form a thin pancake and cook for a minute or two. Flip and cook for a further minute. Transfer to a plate and repeat until the batter is done.

Once the pancakes are sorted, dish up the pork, garnishing with some extra slice shallots, and serve with the pancakes.

I wouldn’t worry too much about presentation as you inhale them pretty quickly!

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.