Main

Tony Nachos

Main, Snack, Survivor: Game Changers – Mamanuca Islands, TV Recap

Previously – aka minutes ago in viewing time – on Survivor, Sandra continued to be charming, Michaela continued to have killer facial expressions and poor Ciera found herself becoming the first boot of Survivor: Game Changers without having her mum around to vote out in her place.

We opened up at Mana the next day, where Tony announced how bored he was waiting for everyone to start playing the game. Aubry and Tony then convened at the well to put into place arguably the greatest alliance of all time, consisting of them, Malcolm and Sandra aka all the threats. Tony then approached Sandra who confirmed that winners going to the end together was the only way to win twice … which she would know, given she is the only one with a double crown.

Meanwhile over at Nuku, knowing his chances of ever winning are quite slim Tai continued his scam to swindle money from Sia while Debbie – adding pragmatist to her list of titles (I’m counting it as a job) – confirmed that Tai be damned, those chickens will eventually become her dinner. To which country boy JT obviously agreed.

Back at Mana, Tony continued to overplay and returned to digging his spy bunker under the cover of darkness. Sandra and Troyzan then went for a walk to discuss strategy – or tides and their crates’ proximity to the water – sending Tony into hyperdrive and setting off the beginning of the great Sandra vs. Tony feud.

I mean, it wouldn’t be a Sandra season without her feuding with a loud male.

Things were moderately less stressful over at Nuku where Ozzy and JT were getting friendly, terrifying poor sweet Cirie. She then went for a walk to the well with Sarah where they confirmed their allegiance to each other and set off Sarah’s – could it be – winner edit as she confirmed she will be changing her game this time.

Not one to rest on her laurels, Cirie then pulled Zeke and Debbie aside to try and make even more friends that could one day become lovers, or allies. Debbie then reminded us she is a Captain in the civil Air Force – maybe, I’m honestly starting to lose track of her resume and it is only episode 2 – and that she wasn’t falling for Cirie’s charm.

Debbie then added Veterinarian to her list of professions, I assume, given her ability to detect bull shit. *Boom tish*, thank you!

Over at Mana, Sandra continued to dismantle her alliance with Tony and proceeded to pull together a majority alliance in the space of five minutes. The Queen is a Queen for a reason.

The next day Tony then Aubry aside to build a counter-alliance with Malcolm and Caleb. Tony then approached Malcolm to discuss getting rid of Sandra, as she lurked in the background, before Caleb gave us his surprisingly – sorry Caleb – insightful view on the fact you can’t really trust either Sandra or Tony but that Tony was strong and strength was still important on day five.

Wanting to give us a break from the politicking, Jiffy Pop returned for the second immunity challenge where the tribes had to man-handle a big, long, thick snake through an obstacle course. I got distracted around the time Caleb cried out how tight it was …

Once again, despite Malcolm’s best efforts to catch up – and much to Michaela’s chagrin – Nuku won immunity setting off Malcolm’s Matsing PTSD and sending Mana back to tribal council.

Back at camp Sandra and Tony got to work rallying their troops – after a brief frustrated outburst from Michaela, which isn’t as charming as it was last season.

Sandra went with the fact that once Tony is gone, people will calm down … while Tony scurried around for an idol. Hali then made a play for Courtney Yates 2.0 – aka Sandy’s ride or die bestie – and started to work on Caleb and Malcolm. This spooked Tony who then took time away from his busy idol shopping schedule to pull Caleb aside and start working on Michaela to boot Sandra instead.

Not wanting to let Tony down, Caleb approached Michaela and Varner to talk about getting rid of challenge liabilities like Sandra, neglecting to realise that Varner was the sole reason they lost the last challenge.

Queen Sandra then gave us a final pre-tribal speech to confirm that Tony has only won once and that her legacy will speak for itself tonight. Yas Queen … or horrific foreshadowing of her downfall.

At tribal they got to work debating the merits of keeping the strong players, spooking Sandra for the first time in her Survivor career … before she correctly pointed out the fact that the strong people are the reason they lost the first two challenges and fell behind, not her.

Tony then got annoyed at Troyzan for correctly pointing out that Tony was erratic and paranoid. Sandra was then viciously attacked by a bug, terrifying Michaela. Tony then said that he respects the players as they were all game changers before Varner announced that they would be getting rid of the square peg that didn’t fit into their round hole. Which appeared to terrify Sandra and excite – obviously – me.

Thankfully her fears were unfounded as Tony was revealed as the square peg and found himself out of the game as the second boot. Wanting to one up Michaela’s exit last year, Tony proceeded to warn people about blindly following Sandra.

“That’s what you get for plotting against me. That’s what you get, and the Queen stays Queen. That’s what you get and take yo’ ass home. Bye Tony, say hi to Ciera for me” Sandra Diaz-Twine, iconic.

As glad as I was to see my girl win the war, I’m sad it was at the expense of my dear friend Tony who I met whilst training to be a cop in NJ at the turn of the millennium … before milk was flown in by drones.

Despite being expelled from the force for my illegal dealing, Tony and I stayed in touch and he endeavoured to help me see the light and live an honest life. As such, Tone was delighted to see me doing something decent with my life in Ponderosa and gladly accepted a big old bowl of my Tony Nachos.

 

 

I know what you’re thinking – maybe, sometimes – how does this differ to your Keanachu Reeves jerk? For one, no chipotle and two … this is a more relaxed nachos. Single – well probably double given the size of my bowls – serve, comforting, warm and everything you need to help work through the pain of going from Sole Survivor to slayed by the Queen.

Enjoy!

 

 

Tony Nachos
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
½ batch Chilli Con Kim Carnes
2 avocados
½ lemon, juiced
salt and pepper, to taste
bag of corn chips
handful of grated cheese … are you getting the impression this is a lazy
version of nachos?
sour cream, for slatherin’
Sriracha, for drizzlin’

Method
Cook the chilli as per Kimmy’s instructions. While that is simmerin’, mash the avocados and stir through the lemon juice and a whack of salt and pepper. Cover and chill in the fridge until serving.

Once ready, layer for pasta bowls with some corn chips. Top with some chilli and some cheese.

Place the bowls on a baking sheet and place under a medium grill/broiler for five minutes, or until the cheese is melty and delicious.

Remove, top with sour cream, guacamole and sriracha and devour.

 

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Ciera Eastindoori

Main, Poultry, Survivor: Game Changers – Mamanuca Islands, TV Recap

To quote my ex-lover Phil, can you hear it, coming in the air tonight? Oh lord, the sound of conch shells and potential tribal genocide can mean only one thing – SURVIVOR is back top five baby!

My part-time lover then joined the fray and quickly caught us up – 17 years, 33 seasons, all stars, fans, favourites, heroes, villains, blood, water, brains, beauty, brawn, millennials, gen x, yet there is still only one Queen and her name is Sandra.

Jiffy Pop quickly got to work catching us up with the legends – and other people available during filming – returning for another shot at the title. We zeroed in on our brash, llama advocate Tony who claimed to have created the spy shack, a move Sandra successfully utilised in two winning seasons before his one … without the gimmicky name.

My basement flooded to realise that Malcolm was indeed back and he wasn’t just a figment of my sex dreams. I mean, seriously, I was bouncing with anticipation too …

I’ll let Sandra reintroduce herself in her own words – “the Queen stays Queen, adios.”

Cirie got off the couch for the fourth time and reaffirmed her passion for being the smiling assassin and her hope to finally convert her killer gameplay into a victory.  Our tiger swimsuit wearing, ex-model, water technician, farmer, stockbroker, football coach and explorer Debbie then reminded us that she is built for this game – despite looking susceptible to blowing over in the breeze – due to her tenacity of a giant squid.

Oh and my frenemy Culpepper said something? FUCK YOU BRAD CULPEPPER, Probst is on a shipwreck. Can you beat Probst on a shipwreck?! No. No you can’t.

We joined the castaways on a ship where Probst fulfilled his obligation to sell the theme, no matter how much of a stretch it was – remember the milk drones of Millennials vs. Gen X? – saying that everyone was selected because of their willingness to make game changing moves. Though when he mentioned “some of you made subtle moves,” he looked like he died a little inside.

Continuing to get reacquainted, Ozzy shared that he still has nightmares about losing money – make another Playboy Channel movie, surely that pays – JT proclaimed Sandra won’t be the only two time winner, Cirie gave her first chuckle of the season saying he was wrong and Zeke geeked out.

My boy then split them into their two tribes, where he screwed Cirie hard by sticking her with two well known nemeses. Let’s hope this is a beginning of a supreme underdog edit?

Wanting to change the game, Jiffy Pop offered the tribes an opportunity to win a massive toolkit for the first person to swim out to a bouy and untie knots. Echoing the audience, Malcolm saw zero point in going for this given the fact that Ozzy is part dolphin and would definitely win. That being said, bless Caleb for trying. Bless.

And with that, they were off with Debbie added wrestler to her resume and body-slammed Malcolm into the deck of the boat. Tai stole chickens from Ciera and Sandra before said chickens attempted to drown him as they dived off the ship together. Clearly none of them were fans of becoming Mark 2.0.

We arrived at Mana, where Tony immediately ran off looking for the idol speaking llama, while Sandra proved why she is the OG spy who actually invented the spy shack and followed him into the woods with dear Caleb to ensure he didn’t find said idol while Hali appeared to assure us that she is a game changer and is the cobra nobody is thinking about.

Meanwhile Nuku arrived at their camp where Zeke fanboyed at his fellow castaways before they noticed three goats on the hill, hopefully not an omen for things to come at final tribal council. Sarah then congratulated herself for her killer social game, ten minutes into the show and Sierra walked us through the secret advantage Andrea repeatedly walked over during the entire marooning.

(FYI, it is a legacy advantage eligible at final 13 or 6).

Sierra then continued her play as Wentworth 2.0 and approached Brad and Ozzy about forming an alliance to target Cirie. Though let’s be honest here, Sierra’s real game changing move is that make-up that just won’t come off.

Cirie then approached Ozzy about their past – where she brutally blindsided him while he was at his peak cockiness – to ensure he wasn’t entering the game with any baggage. Despite claiming they were cool, he then wandered off with Tai to tell him he wasn’t sure about Cirie. Tai being Tai then went and told Cirie she should try and clear the air. Obviously Cirie questioned this, terrifying and confusing Tai who just stood paralysed by shock.

But can we please get the screenshot of Tai’s confused face as a meme? Contact meme corp, I need this asap.

The next day Tony ran off again, this time looking to build a spy bunker, which I assume will be as successful as the sunken shelter Rupert built in All Stars. Thankfully he was caught lying down in his half-dug grave by Troyzan, hopefully putting a kibosh on the bunker.

Ciera then quickly appeared, surprisingly not to talk BIG MOVEZ, but to give her extremely insightful analysis of what was happening and announced that everyone should target Tony and Caleb, to put an end to their burgeoning bromance and Tony’s always possible idol.

Sadly for Ciera, that isn’t what Malcolm wanted, knowing he needs a meat shield, putting her in danger.

But before anything further could happen, Jiffy Pop returned for the first immunity challenge of the season where seven members of each tribe had to paddle out to a platform in the ocean, someone had to swim for some keys, everyone on the platform then mounted a box before traversing an obstacle course back to the shore.

They then had to dig some holes – awkward for Caleb, given the history – before, obviously, complete a puzzle.

Given their was swimming involved and Ozzy is in the cast, Nuku took an early lead that despite the locks not laying down for Debbie like lovers, never really disappeared as Cirie and her biggest fan Zeke secured immunity.

Let’s run stats here – this is the first first immunity Sandra has ever lost and the third for both Varner and Malcolm. Conversely this is the first first challenge Cirie has won in her four seasons. So yay for Cirie?

Back at camp Varner lamented his shocking track record before deciding they need to target the weakest off the threats, which Aubry and Tony decided was Ciera. Sandra, continuing her Queendom was asked to put a name out there, to which she affirmed her winning strategy and told them to tell her the names and she’ll tell them how she feels.

Slay, queen.

Of course, Ciera “she voted out her mom” Eastin then arrived at the pre-tribal pow-wow, causing everyone to splinter and discuss the vote in smaller groups. Not having the luxury of viewing her first season before playing a second, Michaela discovered that Ciera thought everyone was targeting her instead resulting in her epic sass, which may not fly on an All Stars season.

Almost like the sass manifested her, Queen Sandra then dropped by to tell us that Ciera was always an easy target and that maybe booting Michaela and her less charming attitude was the better idea.

It was then – obviously – that we arrived at tribal where Tony’s craziness was addressed, Malcolm continued to be dreamy, Caleb and Michaela addressed their unknown entity status before Sandra continued to display why she is the only two time winner … before Hali then quoted Sandra and terrified Ciera as they went to vote.

Sadly for Ciera, her trend to double her previous placement continued and she found herself exiting the game as the first boot. (For those playing at home, that means Ciera will only play again if there is a season of 40 people. She would again be the first boot).

As you know, we’ve long been friends with the badass Eastin-Moretts and you just know that there was no one Ciera would rather see, after suffering the indignity of becoming a first boot.

While we usually go for something sweet, I thought Ciera needed something with a bit of a kick to cheer her up so went with her Ciera Eastindoori Chicken. And hey, she may have been the first boot … but she was also the first castaway to have two recipes, so you win some I guess?

 

 

Spicy, soothing and with a little bit of fire, this perfectly reflects the beat qualities of my dear, dear friend. Plus, there is raita involved so you can’t lose.

Enjoy!

 

 

Ciera Eastindoori
Serves: 4-6 … or, you know the drill, a disappointed first boot and her dear friend.

Ingredients
1kg chicken thigh fillets
½ cup tandoori paste
¼ cup natural yoghurt
2 cups long grain rice
1 tsp ground turmeric
raita and coriander leaves, to serve

Method
Combine the tandoori paste and yoghurt in a bowl, add the chicken and toss to coat. Cover and allow to marinate in the fridge overnight … or as long as possible, if you were unaware your friend would get the boot.

The next day, preheat oven to 180°C.

Once the oven is nice and hot, place the chicken on a lined baking sheet and cook for about twenty minutes or until cooked through and browned on top.

Rinse the rice until water runs clean, place it in a large saucepan with the turmeric and 3 cups of water, and bring to the boil over medium heat. Once boiling, reduce heat to low, cover and cook for about ten minutes or until the water is just absorbed.

Serve the chicken on a bed of rice with an extremely generous dollop of raita. I mean, this was for a first boot ok? Then devour.

 

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Carbonaras Bascakas

Main, Pasta, Survivor: Game Changers – Mamanuca Islands

Guys can you believe there is just under a week until Survivor: Game Changers – Mamanuca Islands premieres?!

As excited as I am to see Sandra’s likely triumphant return, I am getting concerned that the blogs apparent hex – see: all the deaths I caused last year and Bob Harper’s heart attack as proof – may cause her to finally have her torch snuffed.

I don’t know if I want to live in that world, you know?

Anyway, my fears really started to get to me so I reached out to my calmest bestie / Survivor victor / total babe Aras Baskauskas.

As you know, Annelie and I met Aras through his (also babin’) big brother Vytas. Depsite them not agreeing to a double wedding, we helped Aras get on Survivor: Panama and helped him navigate the insanity of Casaya by spilling incorrect information to Shane on his island Blackberry … and calling the whambulance for Terry.

After his win, I helped Aras write his debut – and surprisingly beautiful, FYI – album before encouraging him to fulfill Annelie and my wish to see those beautiful boys together on Survivor for the OG / Game Changing, Blood vs. Water.

Sadly they didn’t completely fulfill our wish by competing completely nude in an homage to Dickie Hatch.

Aras and I haven’t been able to catch up much lately, what with me busy galavanting around the globe with Probsty, Jo-Jo LaPags and being sickening with RuPaul and co, so it was such a treat to continue to lay low (post #Envelopegate, obvi) with my beautiful friend.

Knowing the target that comes with being a returning winner, Aras knows Sandy has an uphill battle but agrees that her open, loyal reputation should keep her safe for the first few rounds.

Plus – she is sassy as fuck AND entertaining, so it should keep people on side for a while.

We also agree that Tony is toast and JT’s Heroes vs.Villains blunder should protect him for a few rounds.

With that our countdown discussions concluded, we went for a quick skinny dip at Santa Monica and returned home to split a delightful Carbonaras Bascakas.

 

carbonaras-bascakas-1

 

Yes – this is based off the glorious cake in Jamie Oliver’s Christmas cookbook. Sadly I didn’t have any leftovers when I dropped by Aras’ crib, so I fancied up the recipe and – dare I say it – made it even better.

Aras’ beauty deserves no less – enjoy!

 

carbonaras-bascakas-2

 

Carbonaras Bascakas
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
500g dried spaghetti
olive oil
250g pancetta, thinly sliced.
4 eggs
300ml double cream
1 tbsp chilli flakes
zest of a lemon
2 sprigs of fresh rosemary
200g parmesan cheese, grated

Method
Preheat the oven to 180ºC and grease the base of a springform cake tin with oil.

Cook the spaghetti as per packet instructions, drain and leave to cool slightly in a colander while you fry the pancetta until lightly crisped.

Combine the eggs, cream, chilli and zest in a large bowl with a good whack of pepper and whisk together. Add the spaghetti, pancetta, rosemary leaves and most of the cheese to the bowl and toss to coat.

Sprinkle the remaining cheese on the base of the pan, pour in the pasta – at this point I sprinkle with further cheese – place the tin on a baking tray and bake for about half an hour, or until golden and delicious.

Allow to rest for five minutes before detinning, carving and devouring.

 

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Jodie Sweetin Sour Pork

Main, Party Food, Snack

First I had to go on the run to avoid being implicated in #Envelopegate then my dear, sexy Bob Harper announces he had a major heart attack a few weeks ago … meaning this little blog is perilously close to becoming a hit list.

Thankfully I’ve spent the week hanging with the delightful, calm and – most importantly – rational Jodes Sweetin and she has talked me out of adding my many nemeses to my dance card.

And of course, promised to live – happily and healthily – to see 2018 and hopefully break the curse this patch of cyberspace seems to have rustled up.

I haven’t seen much of Jodes lately with her muy busy enjoying a career renaissance with the success – no comments on quality here – of Fuller House and a semi-successful run against my part-time lover and full-time babe Nyle DiMarco. It fills me with such complete joy to see her doing so well but I hate that it keeps us apart for such long stretches of time!

With her taking a break between seasons two and three, she was thrilled to have me over and gossip about the show, reconnect and ponder the being that is our friend/frenemy Candace Cameron Bure.

It was such a diverse back and forth that I knew the only way to honour it was by devouring a big bowl of our favourite Jodie Sweetin Sour Pork.

 

jodie-sweetin-sour-pork-1

 

There isn’t much you can say that isn’t in its name – sweet, sour, pork. While it may not be the most glamourous or respected of dishes, it is the perfect way to mark a catch-up with my nostalgia inducing pal.

Don’t like it? How rude – enjoy!

 

jodie-sweetin-sour-pork-2

 

Jodie Sweetin Sour Pork
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
500g pork tenderloin, cut into 2cm dice
1 tsp soy sauce
½ tsp cornstarch
½ tsp rice wine
½ green capsicum, roughly diced
½ red capsicum, roughly diced
2 shallots, cut into 3cm pieces
3 rings pineapple, fried and cut into bite sized pieces
2 cloves garlic, finely chopped
1 ½ tbsp ketchup
1 tsp plum sauce
½ tsp rice wine vinegar
½ tsp Worcestershire Sauce
1 tsp oyster sauce
1 tsp raw caster sugar
vegetable oil, to fry
steamed rice, to serve

Method
Toss the pork in the soy sauce, cornstarch and rice wine and allow to marinate while you prepare all the other ingredients. As part of that, combine the ketchup, plum sauce, rice wine vinegar, Worcestershire, oyster sauce and sugar in a small jug and leave to rest.

Once you’re good to go, heat a generous lug of oil in a large frying pan or wok over high heat. Once scorching, add the pork and stir fry until golden brown. Add the capsicum, shallots, pineapple and garlic and cook for a further minute or so. Once it is fragrant, add the the sauce, reduce heat to medium and cook until the sauce thickens.

Serve immediately with rice … and devour.

 

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Sofia Coppo’boyla

Main, Oscar Gold, Oscar Gold MMXVII: Gold with the Wind, Snack

Another day of our Oscar Gold celebrations, another catch-up with a Best OG Screenplay winner. But I mean, my girl Sofia is Hollywood royalty and really should have some Best Director and Best Picture wins under her belt … so she is pretty much the perfect person to run most of the outstanding odds.

As you know, I am a dear, close personal friend of the Coppola-Schwartzman-Cage Dynasty and as such have known Sof since she was knee high to a pig’s eye!

I was even the one to suggest to Fran-Ford to cast her in The Godfather Part III, which in retrospect I should apologise to all involved … but that is beside the point, you know.

Thankfully Sof was quick to bounce back from my (horrific) career advice and quickly turned herself into the auteur we know now. I mean, between The Virgin Suicides, Lost in Translation and Marie Antoinette, she creates beautiful languid films of substance, lead by strong women.

Basically, I love her. So damn much. And that isn’t just because she made a movie about my crime spree in Bev Hills back in the day.

I’m pretty sure I mentioned being part of The Bling Ring before, right?

That being said, my girl has been hella busy with The Beguiled so we haven’t been able to connect recently so it was such a treat to get together and discuss the Oscars … which we are hopeful she will have a strong showing at next year.

Anywho, I know you came for the odds so let’s get to them first. Sof agrees that the Screenplay gongs will go to Moonlight and Manchester by the Sea … because La La Land’s best writing came in the form of its music which will take Best Score and Original Song along with Cinematography, Editing, Sound Editing, Sound Mixing, Production Design, Director and Actress on its way to Best Picture.

Oh and obviously if we are wrong about the technical categories … it is fake news, ok? Because let’s be honest Arrival will probably take most of those. Maybe it isn’t fake news if I hedge my bets?

Ok – I’m hella confused, so I’m off to prep for tomorrow’s big guest, so why not head to the kitchen and whip up a delicious Sofia Coppo’boyla while you wait.

 

sofia-coppoboyla-1

 

Spicy, warm and delicious with the addition of the comfort of bread, these Po’Boys are everything I want from those creole creations without the addition of the mucus of the sea.

Because oysters are grosse, long live chicken ok!

Enjoy!

 

sofia-coppoboyla-2

 

Sofia Coppo’boyla
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
500g chicken breast
1 cup panko breadcrumbs
salt and pepper, to taste
1 tbsp Cajun seasoning, plus ½ tsp extra for the sauce
1 egg, whisked
1 cup mayonnaise
3 tbsp Dijon mustard
1 tbsp hot sauce
1 tbsp sweet pickle juice
1 tbsp smoked paprika
1 tsp prepared horseradish
2 cloves garlic, finely diced
4 small baguettes, sliced in half leaving a join at the edge
half a small iceberg lettuce, shredded
3 tomatoes, sliced
4 hot and spicy pickles, thinly sliced

Method
Preheat the oven to 180°C and cut up the chicken into bite sized pieces.

Combine the breadcrumbs with a good whack of salt and pepper and the tablespoon of cajun seasoning. Dip the chicken into the egg and toss through the spiced breadcrumbs to thoroughly coat. Transfer to a lined baking sheet and cook for twenty minutes, or until golden and cooked through.

While the chicken is baking, combine the mayonnaise, mustard, hot sauce, pickle juice, paprika, horseradish, garlic cloves and remaining cajun seasoning in a jug. Add salt and pepper to taste and leave to chill in the fridge and let the flavours mature.

When the chicken is done, brush the inside of the bread with some butter or oil and place in the oven to crisp for a couple of minutes.

Remove the rolls, smear generously with sauce, top with lettuce, tomato, pickles, chicken and another drizzle of sauce.

Devour.

 

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Jenna Moussaka

Main, Survivor: Game Changers – Mamanuca Islands

Guys – it is less than two weeks until my girl Sandra returns for her third crown … or to at least block Tony and JT from equaling her record.

Not that I don’t have faith in her ability to snatch the crown again. Can you tell I’m excited for Survivor and Sandy’s return?

Given that my girl is an underrated goddess, despite her perfect game record, I felt it best to honour her third attempt by holding court with another underrated victor, my dear friend Jenna Morasca.

Like Sandy, I would defend Jen and her gameplay to the ends of the earth. Sure she ended Rob C’s hope of ever winning the game and feuded with a deaf person but she also stripped for peanut butter – who wouldn’t TBH – went on an immunity run and even gave away immunity without it sending her home.

Plus, she was sassy as fuck, gives a good sound bite and was probably the best appointed winner to make it far in All Stars hadn’t had to quit to be with her mother.

I first met Jen way back when we were both attending University of Pittsburgh studying zoology – I was going through a weird Brendan Fraser/George of the Jungle phase and thought that a knowledge of animals could help.

Given our sassy attitude and good looks we were immediately drawn to one another and became the best of friends. I was her Heidi before Heidi existed, basically. After my many run-ins with Burnett, I kept our friendship quiet as she auditioned which I would argue got her cast meaning I played an integral part in her victory.

We are such busy little bees that we haven’t been able to see as much of each other as we like, so it was such a treat to sit down, gab about the upcoming season and dreams for her eventual return.

Speaking of dreams, my Jenna Moussaka is most definitely one.

 

jenna-moussaka-1

 

Spicy, rich and creamy – this little baby is the ultimate comfort food. Plus, eggplant makes it healthy, so you barely have to feel guilty about the cheesy goodness clogging up your arteries.

Enjoy!

 

jenna-moussaka-2

 

Jenna Moussaka
Serves: 8.

Ingredients
a generous lug of olive oil
3 eggplants, cut into half centimetre discs
2 red capsicums, cored and halved
500g beef mince
500g lamb mince
1 tsp ground cumin
1 tsp ground cinnamon
1 tbsp dried oregano
½ tsp ground cardamom
1 tsp chilli flakes
2 onions, finely chopped
4 garlic cloves, minced
800g tinned tomatoes
100g unsalted butter
75g plain flour
3 cups milk
120g parmesan, roughly grated

Method
Preheat the oven to 220˚C.

Place the eggplant discs on a wire rack, over a lined baking sheet, drizzle with olive oil and bake for about half an hour, or until crisp, charred and drying out. Add the capsicum for the last ten minutes to blister their skins.

Reduce oven to 160°C.

While they are cooking, heat a lug of oil in a large pan and cook the mince over medium heat, or until browned. Add the spices, oregano, onion and garlic and cook for a further few minutes. Meanwhile diced up the charred capsicum and add to the pan with the tomatoes. Bring to a simmer, reduce heat to low and cook, stirring occasionally, for about fifteen minutes. Season and allow to rest.

To make the bechamel, melt the butter in a large saucepan. Once foaming, add in the flour and cook until lightly browned and not resembling either butter or flour. Remove from the heat and slowly whisk in the milk until all combined. Return to the heat and cook for a minute or two, or until thickened. Remove from the heat, season and leave to rest.

To assemble, place a third of the meat mixture on the base of a large baking dish. Top with a third of the dried, charred eggplant and repeat the process until both are all gone. Pour over the bechamel, top with the cheese and bake for half an hour, or until golden and bubbly on top. Remove and allow to rest for five minutes before devouring.

 

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Alan Meatballs

Main, Oscar Gold, Oscar Gold MMXVII: Gold with the Wind, Poultry, Snack

Ok, so full disclosure – I didn’t really think about category diversity when organising this year’s soiree. For that, I am sorry … but also, not sorry – these people are my friends and you’ll just have to accept that we’ll be spending a lot of time discussing the screenwriting categories.

Adding to my flock of seagullsscreenwriters is my dear friend, Best OG Screenplay winner and – of course – ex-lover Alan Ball.

I first met Al whilst working on Cybill – him writing, me as part of Chrissie B’s entourage – and our attraction was instantaneous. After a torrid affair, I broke things off assuming he would amount to nothing – I don’t admit it often but I was wrong. He was obviously heartbroken and injected his pain into a little known screenplay called American Beauty.

Yes, you’re welcome – I inspired the classic film.

After seeing that I was wrong I tried to grovel my way back into his heart – well I don’t know if I grovelled but I definitely recall being on my knees – and the Oscars. While he sadly declined my offer to rekindle our romance and we’ve helped each other creatively ever since.

Fun fact: I’m the one who inspired him to cast Skarsy in True Blood. Again, you’re welcome.

Now for the most important part of the event – oh, after catching up with my dear friend obvs – Al agreed that Manchester by the Sea will take out Best OG and Moonlight will take out Best Adapted Screenplay … though Lion and Arrival are worthy challengers.

Given my love of Alan and (his) balls, there was no way I was going to whip up anything other than my Alan Meatballs.

 

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You know I love balls as much as Jenna Maroney but these minimally altered lil’ Meatball Shop numbers are as pure perfection as Skarsky (obvi NSFW). Big, thick and juicy, they are everything you want in and around your mouth and are absolutely exploding with flavour.

Enjoy!

 

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Alan Meatballs
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
a good lug of olive oil
500g chicken mince
1 egg
¼ cup breadcrumbs
¼ cup parsley, roughly chopped
30ml white wine
2 cloves garlic, finely minced
1 tbsp salt
1 tsp ground fennel
1 tsp ground chilli
a generous whack of freshly ground black pepper

Method
Preheat the oven to 200°C and line a baking sheet with baking paper.

Combine all the ingredients – excluding the olive oil – in a large bowl and scrunch together in your hands.

Roll the mixture into a golf ball size, packing firmly as you go. You will need to wet your hands frequently as you go to smooth out the edges. Place on the sheet and repeat until done – you should end up with a dozen balls.

Place into the oven and bake for twenty, or until firm and crisp. Allow to rest for a few minutes before serving with your favourite salad or as sliders … and devouring.

 

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Pumpkim Basinger Soup

Main, Oscar Gold, Oscar Gold MMXVII: Gold with the Wind, Side, Snack, Soup, Vegetarian

While I like to let the lesser celebrity categories shine, I know why you drop by for Oscar Gold and that is my extreme proximity to the A-list.

And there is no one more A-list than my dear gal-pal and past Best Supporting Actress Winner, Kim Basinger.

I first met Kim through her ex-husband – and my ex/oft-lover Alec – but her kind heart and sassy nature won me over and I actually grew closer to her during their split. Thus leaking the pig-daughter tapes.

Kim and I haven’t been able to catch-up lately what with her doing the publicity rounds for Fifty Shades of I-Won’t-Show-My-Peen-and-This-Is-A-Waste-of-Your-Time, so it was such a treat to sit down and chat about the most important categories – Best Supporting and Best Actress.

Given the fact that I have a temper similar to Al’s, Kim was a bit scared to engage in any major disputes so we both landed on Viola for Supporting, despite the fact that she agreed that the previously insufferable Nicky Kid turned in such a beautiful performance that echoed her life and made you love her that it should be her taking out the crown over V’s always consistent scenery chewing.

Also … surely Mish Wills needs an overdue win sometime soon. And the post first scene was damn perfection.

She also agreed that Emma Stone was a lock because she is my friend and was cast in the musical whilst starring in Cabaret – which I saw and critiqued her in – bringing her luck. Though that being said, Isabelle Huppert is the most likely to upset any of the favourites on the night.

So yeah, discussions were robust meaning we needed something hearty that also hugged your soul like my Pumpkim Basinger Soup.

 

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Earthy, spiced and warm, this is pumpkin soup isn’t what you’d get in a can. In a good way, obvi.

All the veggies are baked first giving a depth of flavour and sweetness that is perfectly cut through by a whack of herbs and a smack of chilli. Dis good, dis real good, ok?

Enjoy!

 

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Pumpkim Basinger Soup
Serves: 100 people aka all the Baldwins … or maybe just 12 people?

Ingredients
1.5kg butternut pumpkin, cut into 3cm dice
4 cloves garlic, peeled
2 carrots, diced
2 onions, roughly chopped
2 potatoes, roughly chopped
4 pieces celery, roughly chopped
olive oil
1 tbsp dried chilli
salt and pepper, to taste
1 tbsp maple syrup, optional
bunch of sage
1L chicken stock
1 cup cream

Method
Preheat oven to 180°C.

Place all the veggies – and realistically you could use anything you had in the fridge, capsicum is a great addition to be honest – on a lined baking sheet (or two), drizzle with olive oil and chilli, season and bake until golden and tender. About half an hour.

Once the veg are ready, transfer to a large pot, drizzle with maple syrup, add the sage leaves and fry over medium heat for a minute, reduce to low pour in the stock and simmer, stirring sporadically, for about fifteen minutes to half an hour, or until all the veggies are tender and your kitchen is smelling amazing.

Remove the pot from the heat and allow to cool for five-ten minutes and blitz thoroughly yet carefully with a stick blender until smooth and glorious. Return to low heat, stir through the cream and coook until heated through.

Serve – immediately if you like to risk burning all the skin in your mouth – and top with a drizzle of cream and some chopped sage, if you are patient enough, and devour.

 

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Waffadele Burger

Main, Oscar Gold, Oscar Gold MMXVII: Gold with the Wind, Party Food

So speaking of Beyonce – one woman’s curse via recipe is another woman’s gain … and that woman making the gains was none other than my dear frenemy Adele.

Uggggghhhhhhhh. And contrary to what some may think of me, that wasn’t a shady comment about weight. Glass houses and all, you know?

Also let me start by saying that firstly, I love Adele … but the slag can fucking drink me under the table and I hate to lose – particularly if said competition I am losing is based on alcohol consumption – so as such, she is more frenemy than friend.

Plus – she keeps winning things and Jesus loves winners and if she is winning, maybe sometimes that means I’m losing. Which is terrible.

Anyway the ol shagger has not only won a shit tonne of Grammys but is also the proud owner of an Academy Award for Best Original Song which is, quite possibly, my favourite category (because when I’m nominated in 7 years, I get to perform the song on stage the same night I win 15 awards).

I should probably tell you about my past with Adele though, shouldn’t I? I first met Adsy ten years ago when I stumbled upon her busking on the tube or something – I was big into bath salts at the time so don’t remember much. I do remember she had talent though and took her under my wing and decided I would one day make her a d-list star to rival Kathy Griffin (read: they are both red(ish)heads).

Halfway through my tutelage of her I sobered up and realised that she is just someone that is skilled at writing sad music and holding notes – I must remember to see Chris Martin one day soon – and told her that she should give up on her dreams, lest she wanted my forehead to chase itself into the pavement.

It inspired her hit song and gave her a career … but did I get any thanks? No. Which is another reason we are frenemies. I also inspired her Oscar winning song Skyfall – it was about balls and is meant to be part of Lil Whorephan Andy – but that is another story for another time.

As much as I’ve complained about Ads, it was such a treat to see her and her 6000 new Grammys and to discuss something she is far less skilled at, the world of celebrity and the Holy Grail of awards ceremonies.

Lucky for this year’s race for Best Original Song is a two horse-one batch of nominees race between the two nominated hits from La La Land. I mean sure, in any other year Lin Manuel would be polishing the EGOT label on his future tombstone … but La La Land was a gem celebrating old Hollywood that was also more cerebral than most people give it credit for, meaning it is pretty much unbeatable in this category above all else. And even Adele can see that.

I mean, it is a musical for christ sake – we can ignore that Another Day in the Sun and Someone in the Crowd are infinitely superior songs.

We both agreed that City of Stars is the safest bet for the gong and that a Waffadele Burger is the perfect feed for such robust debate.

And drinking.

 

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I know, I know – a waffle burger is gimmicky … but this one is pure perfection. I mean it is a copycat Big Mac, served on waffles. It is a better McGangbang than the McGangbang and dipping fries into a sundae.

I’d tell you to enjoy but I know there is no getting around it! Now off to greet my fave writer/director …

 

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Waffadele Burger
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
1/2 cup mayonnaise
2 tbsp French dressing
1 tbsp sweet gherkin relish
1 onion, finely minced – ½ for the sauce, ½ for the burgers
1 tsp white vinegar
1 tsp sugar
½ tsp smoked paprika
1 tsp garlic powder
500g beef mince
salt and pepper, to taste
12 waffle *Spoiler alert* aka 12 waffles, I don’t mind if you buy … for now
cooking oil of your choosing
iceberg lettuce, roughly chopped
8 slices American cheese
pickles, thinly sliced

Method
Combine the mayo through garlic powder in a small bowl with a good season, stir and place in the fridge to chill.

Meanwhile squeeze out excess moisture (read: blood) from the mince and transfer to a bowl. Season generously, combine with your hands and shape into eight balls and flatten to make thin patties. Leave to rest while you heat up a large skillet over high heat.

While that is happening, start toasting the waffles in a toaster and transferring to a plate.

When the skillet is nice and hot, reduce heat to medium, brush with some cooking oil and cook the patties for a minute or two each side. Transfer to a plate and repeat until they are done.

To assemble, place a waffle on a plate, smear generously with special sauce, top with a pinch of the reserved chopped onion, add the lettuce, top with a slice of cheese and a pattie, followed by the centre waffle. Then smear with sauce, top with onion, lettuce, a few pickle slices, cheese – because I believe it needs two slices – the pattie and another waffle.

Push down, grab in one hand – if you can, Ads and I have big hands like Donald Trump, obvi – and devour.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, and Tumblr.

Jonathagnolotti Groff

Grammy Gold, Grammy Gold: Golden Little Pill, Main, Pasta, Snack, Vegetarian

The Grammys are rapidly approaching which means that sadly our Grammy Gold celebrations are about to reach their crescendo but thankfully there are two final catch-ups slash prediction discussions to be had, the latest being my dear friend and part-time lover Jonathan Groff.

Fun fact: I invented the nickname Groffsauce – contrary to popular opinion. You can probably infer how I came up with such a loving name.

Anyway, I am getting way to flustered and a little short of breath.

I first met Jo-Groff while co-starring in Spring Awakening – I should probably mention that Lea Michele is my drag name and I am serving fish, henny girl – and our love blossomed instantly. While I was singing about my mama who bore me, he was boring into …

Again – nevermind. We fell in love, it was beautiful but sadly it wasn’t meant to last. Surprisingly I was mature about the whole thing and agreed that we would make the best of friends.

Given how busy my delicious little Groffsauce has been lately – what with wrapping up Looking, his Tony nominated and Grammy award winning (by way of musical theatre album) performance in Hamilton and the upcoming show Mindhunter – we haven’t been able to reconnect since we last worked together on The Normal Heart.

JoJo was just as beautiful – and dare I say it, saucy – as the last time we hung out and we quickly caught up on each others lives, lamented the loss of Looking, gossiped about the plot of our upcoming film Frozen 2 and ran the odds on who would take over the crown Best Musical Theatre Album crown.

FYI – we are backing Waitress. Or Bright Star. Probably Bright Star.

Despite our indecision about the future winner, we both agreed that my Jonathagnolotti Groff is delicious, even if not served on a named body.

 

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While it has more of an X rated history, the delicate cheesy, mushroom stuffed pockets have a simplistic elegance when slathered in burnt butter and crispy sage.

So yeah, delicious even without the dessert – enjoy!

 

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Jonathagnolotti Groff
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
150g mixed fresh mushrooms, finely chopped
olive oil
1 tbsp fresh flat-leaf parsley, finely chopped
2 garlic cloves, minced
salt and pepper
1 egg, lightly beaten
½ cup ricotta cheese
40 gow gee wrappers
75g butter
20 fresh sage leaves

Method
Heat a good lug of olive oil in a medium skillet over high heat and fry the mushrooms for about five minutes, or until all of the liquid is goneski. Add the parsley and garlic and cook for a further minute. Remove from the heat to cool and season.

Once the mushroom mixture is all chill – like I was hoping Jon and I would be, in the Netflix sense obvs – whisk the egg, ricotta and mushroom mixture in a medium bowl, until well combined.

Bring a large pot of salted water to the boil while you work on the agnolotti.

Lay your gow gee wrappers on a dry work surface and place a teaspoon of the mixture in the centre of each. Brush the edges with water and fold into half moon pockets, ensuring to work out all the air before crimping them shut. Leave to rest until ready to cook.

Meanwhile melt the butter in a small skillet over low heat, add the sage leaves and cook until crisp. Remove to drain on a paper towel and continue cooking the butter until it is beautifully browned.

Once the water is boiling feverishly, place the past in the water and cook for about five minutes or so, or until it rises to the surface. Drain and serve immediately, slathered in the burnt butter and topped with the crisp sage.

Devour.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.