Kellie Nalbandia Maria Chocolate Christmas Cake

Baking, Cake, Dessert, Snack, Survivor, Survivor 45, TV, TV Recap

Previously on Survivor Bruce jagged an idol moments before the first phase of the non-merge portion of the game. As the boat approached shore, he enlisted the help of everyone else in the tribe to collect it, though decided to keep it a secret from his nemesis Katurah. After they were split into two groups – why merge, you ask? Who knows – to each eliminate someone, Kaleb filled her in to make sure she wasn’t angry with him. But over to the other group where Kellie was debating when to turn on Bruce, though instead stuck with Drew and her Belos to take out Sifu. After he was sent all the way home, Katurah confronted Jake about keeping the idol secret from her. While Jake and Kaleb thought they had won her over enough to force a tie and take out Julie, Katurah banded with the Rebas to take out Kaleb to become the king of the jury.

As the first group arrived back at camp, everyone was thrilled to have made the jury. Though Drew did admit that getting rid of Sifu was harder than he thought, particularly since it gave Bruce a win in the game, which nobody wanted. When the groups came together, nobody was exactly surprised that Kaleb was gone. Though you best believe Jake felt awkward about trying to save Kaleb, given it made him an outsider. And he regretted being reckless. To his credit, he pulled Julie aside to clear the air, admitting that his vote was more to save Kaleb, not to take her out. And while they pretended to be all good, it was clear Julie was going to get revenge.

The next day the dolls noticed that they had a numbers advantage over the men and as such, thought that maybe they should form an alliance and take control. While the boys were focused on tacos, all the girls agreed it was a great idea and maybe it was finally the right time to get rid of Bruce. While Julie admitted to us that she still trusts Drew and Austin, given they all have a mutual target, maybe it could work. Kellie on the other hand just wanted the albatross around her neck gone.

A boat then arrived at shore, featuring a table with bowls glued on top. Thoroughly confused, name cards were laid out before Kendra read treemail announcing that they would be participating in the Survivor Auction. Finally, finally, giving us what we want! Of course it was going to come with a twist, the first being that they had to go find tubes of cash hidden in the jungle for them to spend. Everyone split up hunting for the money, with Bruce choosing to take it super easy, finishing with just $80 to spend at auction. While Dee and Austin were the richest with $900 and $700 apiece.

When they met Jeffrey in the jungle, he immediately announced that unlike in the past, there will be no advantages on offer. At all. And the third twist? 15 items will be up for grabs, 5 confirmed and the rest decided by rockdraw and finishing without notice. Why does that matter, though? Well the person with the most money leftover at the conclusion of the auction loses their vote at the upcoming tribal council. First up were pretzels and beer, which went to Kendra for $360, exhausting her money in the process and guaranteeing she holds on to her vote. Fries and coke went to Kellie for $500, Emily bought a covered item for $440 which was thankfully not bat soup, instead a massive charcuterie and wine. Oh and now she has $60 left, meaning she is likely keeping her vote too. Dee went all in with $900 to jag her milkshake, likely just to retain her vote.

The next covered item went to Katurah for $480. Feeling like it could be a dud, Probst offered her the chance to trade out for something else. Sadly she opted to keep the original, which were two giant fish eyeballs. Which Austin bought on resale for $100. Though at least Katurah kept her vote, no? Drew went all in on item 6 for $520, which was just a bowl of candy. Austin snatched a piece of pizza for $600. A toothbrush and mouthwash went to Julie for $420, the next item was chocolate cake for three, which went to Jake for $340 and was shared with Julie and Bruce. Kellie then bought a sandwich, chips and marg for $200, leaving Bruce to now be the richest person left on the bleachers. And sadly, there were no other items available, meaning he was the poorest going in and also lost his vote.

Back at camp everyone was giddy from the food and sugar, with Kendra talking about how great it was to burn through all her cash on the first item and just be able to chill. She then shared that the beer was special to her, as she didn’t know her biological father until she was 18 years old. When she reached out and met, they shared a beer and as such it reminded her of him and gave him a special toast. Which was super cute.

Everyone was chilling out and going for a swim, so Emily caught up with Drew and assured him that she is his ride or die. And then squealed on the girls alliance – boo – and while that sucks for us, she assured him that Jake and Bruce are the targets, so he is fine. And damn, Emily, that upsets me. Drew meanwhile was thrilled to have the information and given Bruce is everyone’s target, he, Austin and Julie approached Katurah by the well and assured her they can work together, and hey, she can even pick the target. And what do you know, she said Bruce?!

The tribe caught up with Probst for the immunity challenge, which Bruce is totally winning based on the timing, no? But back to the challenge. Everyone would need to hold onto a rope holding up a log with the last person standing without dropping winning immunity. Adding yet another wrinkle to the challenge, Jeff offered the tribe a massive bag of rice for the last ten days of the game if four people sit out. Dee and Emily instantly offered, with Katurah asking for an incentive. Which led to Probst stabbing the bag and letting rice bleed out until two more people offered, with Drew jumping straight out before Katurah eventually joined them. After 20 minutes Kellie and Kendra dropped in quick succession, before Austin and Jake dropped after 25 minutes leaving the two oldies to battle it out for immunity. Tragically though, Julie couldn’t do it for the dolls, as Bruce jagged immunity and screwed over all the plans. Just as predicted.

Back at camp everyone pretended to be thrilled for Bruce, which actually annoyed the shit out of literally everyone. None more so than Kellie, who was so very annoyed by the fact Bruce gets to be the spectator at tribal and as she appears to be close to Bruce, she was worried she could be the other back-up. Everyone was scared to throw out a name other than Jake, however, which made Jake realise he was the target and that the Shot in the Dark may be his only option. Instead of locking that in, he got to work visibly hunting for an idol before Katurah offered to go babysit him. He then approached Bruce to see if he’d be willing to play his idol for him, which Bruce obviously wasn’t interested in.

Drew was still nervous, though, so pulled the Reba four and Emily aside to float the idea of taking out Kellie instead, given she holds more power than Bruce and that nobody actually seems to think anyone but Jake is a target. And then after locking in Kellie, Drew immediately grew paranoid that giving Jake another chance could be a grave mistake. Which means Jake is bringing down Drew if he survives the night, mark my words.

At tribal council Bruce tried to talk about breaking a record by losing his vote but being immune. Thankfully it was brushed aside, with Drew reminding everyone that his generosity should be rewarded, while Jake shat on it, pointing out it isn’t charitable, it just means people feel safe. As he stumbled over Jeff’s questions, he eventually threw out a pitch, pointing out a dogpile is never the right move, and the other people on the bottom will regret not making a move if he goes, given it means they will likely be next. Kellie agreed he made some good points, while Dee was sure everyone was still united tonight. Which Jake pointed out was a bad move. Katurah too agreed that Jake did make good points, but it is only true if their next move isn’t solid. Emily said that Jake is just too focused on it being him, with Jake deliberately stumbling yet again, talking about playing his idol. Which Katurah called super concerning.

With that the tribe nervously voted before Jake played his Shot in the Dark, sadly not jagging immunity in the process. After three votes piled up on him, he thought he was done before the Belo women were well and truly gagged to see the rest of the votes pile up on Kellie as she was blindsided from the game. Angry and heartbroken, annoyed at Emily and in shock as Kendra watched on in tears. 

As she arrived at the jury, I pulled her in for a massive hug. And while she immediately pushed me away and as I flew through the air and onto the ground, it is said that my heart doubled in size that day. I came running back, screaming about how much of an icon she is and how grateful I was to be a part of the rage. For some reason, she assumed I was joking and as such started laughing, thanking me for breaking the tension. And while I was confused, we laughed and became besties before smashing a slice or two of Kellie Nalbandia Maria Chocolate Christmas Cake.

I used to hate the entire concept of fruit cakes as a child, but obviously, I aged and my palate refined. Thanks in no small part to recipes like this one. Rich and fruity, with a punch of chocolate and coffee, it is a combination that can turn even the grinchiest grinch into a festive fiend. So thanks, Nigella.

Enjoy!

Kellie Nalbandia Maria Chocolate Christmas Cake
Serves: 8-12.

Ingredients
350g prunes
250g raisins
125g currants
50g candied orange peel
175g soft unsalted butter
175g dark muscovado sugar
175ml honey
125ml tia maria 
2 oranges, zested and juiced
1 ½ tsp mixed spice
¼ cup cocoa
3 eggs
150g flour
75g almond meal
½ tsp baking powder
½ tsp bicarb soda

Method
Preheat the oven to 130°C and double-line the sides and bottom of a 20cm round, deep, cake tin, making sure the paper comes up twice the height of the tin. 

Put the fruit, butter, sugar, runny honey, tia maria, juice and zest, spices and cocoa into a large saucepan and bring to a gentle boil,until the butter melts. Reduce heat to low and simmer for 10 minutes, and then take off the heat and leave to stand for half an hour.

Once it has cooled, beat in the eggs, flour, almond meal, baking powder and bicarb, and stir until combined.

Pour the batter into the prepared cake tin, and pop in the oven and bake for 1¾–2 hours, or until the cake is firm to touch, but shiny and sticky. And most importantly, an inserted skewer will come out a little gooey in the middle.

Remove from the heat and transfer to a cooling rack, where the cake will continue to set using the residual heat. Cover in sprinkles and decorations, before devouring greedily. Or wrapping in foil and popping in a tin until Christmas. But, like, why wait?


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Jaime Lynormandy Pearuiz Cake

Baking, Cake, Dessert, Snack, Survivor, Survivor 44, Sweets, TV, TV Recap

Previously on Survivor our icon Carolyn was inspired by the release of the remake of The Little Mermaid, designing impressive statement jewellery using the shells of lobsters and prawns. Actually, maybe it isn’t inspired and more she went on a Mad Max style adventure through the ocean. After Yam Yam took out his first immunity challenge of the season – the iconic Last Gasp – the tribe were split on who was the most threatening. You had Ratus and Sokas looking to put aside their differences to take out Carson while the Tika couldn’t trio couldn’t decide which side was more dangerous, and then of course, who was worse for their game on Soka. With Queen Carolyn ultimately coming out on top and playing an idol to save her baby Carson, completing her revenge arc as Danny made his way to the jury.

Back at camp Heidi was way more chill about being on the outs at tribal council, with everyone more focused on Carolyn’s iconic – though needless – idol play. Despite it not changing the outcome, Carolyn was proud of the fact it kept the Tika trio safe to the top six. She then regaled everyone with her tales of finding the idol and while it was cute, Yam Yam was worried she was showing everyone just how smart she is and as such, feared she is fast becoming the biggest threat. Sensing the idol would be rehidden, Heidi woke up early to go hunting. Though sadly for her, Carson spotted her stirring and as such, he woke everyone up and told them they too should go out and look. While Lauren was more focused on luring Carolyn into climbing trees to collect her coconuts. The Ratus caught up with Carson and Yam Yam back at camp, with Lauren floating the idea of getting rid of Carolyn next, like her coconut collector means nothing to her. While Carson had absolutely no interest in turning on his island mama, he also knew he had to pretend to be keen in order to blindside one of them.

The tribe caught up with Probst by the beach for an epic team reward where two blindfolded members would push another person around, strapped inside a ball before solving a table maze. With the two free people still blindfolded. And given it was for a massive afternoon of food and massages, everyone was fired up. Carolyn and Heidi were pushing Jamie on one team, while Yam Yam and Lauren rolled Carson for the other. And from the jump, the latter trio got out to an epic lead as Carson calmly directed his team mates to the end before solving the maze before the other trio barely made it through the course.

We followed the victors to their reward where Yam Yam was delighted to finally have a reward, smashing food and living his absolute best life. As they sat down to enjoy their massages, the boys continued to paint Carolyn as a massive target to Lauren and while Carson assured us it was just to lull her into a false sense of security, Yam Yam was definitely feeling like it may actually be time to make a move on Carolyn. Speaking of our icon, she, Heidi and Jamie were dejected to be slumming it at camp. But instead of wallowing, they got to work figuring out which of the victors needed to go next, with Jamie pushing for Carson. And while Carolyn knows she can’t beat him, she also felt it wasn’t the right time. As Jamie went idol hunting, Carolyn and Heidi caught up with the duo agreeing they feel like they can’t trust Jamie and Lauren, and as such, know they need to hold firm. For now.

After the groups came back together, Yam Yam burped in Carolyn’s face – as requested – before Carolyn and Carson caught up to fill each other in on the conversations they had missed. Agreeing that either Jamie or Lauren need to go, given Heidi gives them an easier path to the end. Yam Yam meanwhile caught up with Jamie and floated the idea of getting rid of Carolyn at the next vote instead and while Jamie was still more nervous about Carson, she was happy just as long as one of the Tikas went and as such, gladly locked in on the vote. And Yam Yam, please don’t do this to me, ok?

The tribe caught up with Jeffrey once again as he explained that to snatch immunity, they would have to balance a ball on a disc that is held flat by two ropes with the last person standing winning. Jamie was the first to drop, quickly followed by Carolyn and Carson, before Yam Yam just missed out on going to the next stage. Heidi and Jamie moved further away from their discs before resetting and battling it out until Heidi couldn’t hold it any longer, handing Lauren immunity.

Back at camp everyone split up to scramble, with Carolyn and Heidi concerned about the fact nobody was talking to them. As such, they locked in their votes against Jamie. Heidi meanwhile was hopeful that she was being told the truth, but knew that worst case, she has her idol. While Carolyn was looping in the boys, Heidi stumbled upon them, with everyone agreeing to get rid of Jamie. Hopeful that even if she has an idol, she is so confident in the boys voting with her that she doesn’t play it. Yam Yam caught up with Lauren and Jamie to lock in the Carolyn vote and while I think the plan is to only make them think they are working together, he then caught up with Carson and floated that maybe they would turn it into a reality. And ugh, I hate it here. While King Carson calmly tried to steer him back to their original plan, Jamie. As Yam Yam debated the merits of trusting his brain and his heart.

At tribal council Probst was gagged to discover the tribe had brought everything with them, assuming they will be sent to a new beach for the rest of the game. Yam Yam joked about holding on to the rice as an immunity idol, while Carson just felt anxious about being vulnerable. Jamie mentioned that they still have to try and navigate around advantages, which Yam Yam agreed complicated everybody’s decision making. Jamie meanwhile wanted to jazz up her resume – her words – while Yam Yam admitted he is getting more and more confused about who would be best to go to the end, which complicates who he is working with. While Carson just worried about going through a break-up this close to the end. Yam Yam admitted he is getting more and more emotional when it comes to the votes, knowing his head needs to win at this point, which obviously made Carolyn nervous.

Our Queen spoke about the fact she has clearly played an emotional game, but that also doesn’t mean that she can’t be strategic. But yeah, you know she is emotional about the vote. Yam Yam then plainly said that the person leaving tonight is the one that needs to leave for the sake of everyone’s game. And ugh, I want to vom. With that the tribe voted, Heidi played her idol for herself before it thankfully turned out not to be my sweet icon Carolyn going home as the boys stayed loyal, joining Carolyn and Heidi to send Jamie off to the jury.

As she arrived at Ponderosa, I pulled Jamie in for a massive hug and just embraced her kind, loving, exuberant spirit. And then realised the producers have really been trolling her for the entire season through no fault of her own, so stealthily covered her ears and told her fellow jurors to break the fake idol information to her gently. Sadly I forgot as soon as I uncovered her ears, carelessly lol-ing about her closest ally making her the producers’ target of the season. Thankfully, though, she is a delight, so took it in stride and calmly sat down to smash a fresh Jaime Lynormandy Pearuiz Cake.

Rich and sweet pears and the dense crumb of the cake pair perfectly for either an afternoon treat or a decadent dessert. Better still, this cake is super easy to make but will always have you looking like a pro in the kitchen.

Enjoy!

Jaime Lynormandy Pearuiz Cake
Serves: 8.

Ingredients
150g butter, at room temperature, plus extra for greasing
¾ cup raw caster sugar
2 eggs
1 ½ cups flour
1 tbsp baking powder
½ cup sour cream
500g pears, peeled, cored, roughly diced
½ cup walnuts, roughly chopped
⅓ cup sultanas
1 tsp mixed spice
½ tsp cinnamon
⅓ cup brandy
2 tbsp maple syrup
icing sugar and/or double cream, for sprinkling or dolloping respectively

Method
Preheat the oven to 180C and rub some butter around the edge of a 23cm springform pan and place a disc of baking paper on the base.

Cream the butter and caster sugar in a stand mixer on medium until pale and fluffy. Add the eggs one at a time, allowing the mixture to come back together in between. Fold through the flour and baking powder, and once together, fold through the sour cream. Return to the mixer on low and beat for a further minute. Remove from the mixer and fold through the pear, walnuts, sultanas, mixed spice and cinnamon. Transfer the batter to the prepared tin and pop it in the oven to bake for 45 minutes, or until an insert skewer comes out clean.

While the cake cooks, combine the brandy and maple syrup in a small saucepan over low heat and cook, stirring, for a couple of minutes, or until combined.

Once the cake is done, use the skewer to pierce holes over the surface before pouring over the syrup. Leave to rest for about 15 minutes before transferring to a wire rack and removing the sides of the tin. Serve barely warm with a dusting of sugar or dollop of cream, and devour joyously.


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Dejate Skye Loaf

Baking, Cake, Dessert, RuPaul's Drag Race, RuPaul's Drag Race 14, Sweets, TV, TV Recap

Previously on RuPaul’s Drag Race the dolls bombed Snatch Game, putting on the most awkward version the show had ever seen. While I would argue Angie’s version of Tammie Brown was delightful and Camden’s smutty Skakespeare had its positives, DeJa was the only queen that truly managed to shine. As such, everyone but DeJa had to lip sync for their lives in a lip sync lalaparuza smackdown. One by one, Daya Betty, Willow and Jorgeous managed to save themselves before Camden defeated Bosco and Angeria bested Jasmine. In the final round it came down to Bosco and Jasmine with Bosco getting a song that played into her strengths, slaying the performance and saving herself as one of the lip-sync assassins, Jasmine, was finally felled.

The next day the dolls were thrilled to still have a place in the competition but were emotionally exhausted after everything they went through after disappointing Ru and Detective Visage. And Bosco more specifically was exhausted after having to rub off Jasmine’s extensive mirror message, which is very on brand for the chatty queen, TBH. While Daya was still enraged by Jasmine. This time because she was rooting for her friends, which did not include Daya. Surprisingly, since she is a delight and was always kind to her sister with such lines as, I want to hit her head on the sidewalk. 

Before Daya could have a full meltdown, Ru dropped by to announce that for this week’s Maxi Challenge they’d be starring in the romantic musical Moulin Ru! Which obviously had Camden excited, given that is 100% what she does. The dolls would star as Saltine the fading showgirl, Mama Z the bearded queen owner of the club, the Green Fairy aka Kylie Minogue as an absinthe trip and the four Moulin Ru girls, Charisma, Uniqueness, Nerve and Talent. Oh and they’d once again have to fight for their parts amongst themselves, rather than anyone assigning roles.

After Ru departed, Bosco was confident in her abilities, before Daya snatched Uniqueness without any battles. DeJa took the role of Nerve, Willow went for the Green Fairy while Angeria and Jorgeous fought over Talent with Angie backing down and taking Charisma instead. Saltine then came down to a battle between Bosco and Lady Camden, with them both digging their heels in until Bosco started reminding Camden that she has the skills to pull off Mama Z as well, while she does not. After DeJa suggested they were just wasting everyone’s time, Camden suggested flipping a coin before Bosco suggested the queens vote which they ultimately went with leading to Bosco getting the part. After a torn Willow was forced to break the tie.

Leading to Camden threatening Bosco that she has to turn it out, otherwise she will be pissed. And damn, both of the girls are fired up!

Things were very tense after the battle, with Jorgeous telling everyone that they need to get rid of the bad feelings because taking that energy into the rehearsal will ruin things for all of them. Bosco and Camden each went into their corners to sulk, with Bosco getting eaten up by guilt before Angeria joined Camden and encouraged her that she also didn’t get a part she wanted. Which did nothing more than fire Camden all the way up to slay Mama Z, as she realised that she really could turn any damn role.

The dolls headed to the mainstage where they learnt Leslie Jordan was their extra special director and argh, he is so cute and I love him! After regaling them with tales of her time as drag queen Baby Wipes in a time before even Ru had started drag, Bosco stayed on stage where she nailed rehearsal as Camden looked on angrily while also trying to stifle a smile. Angeria meanwhile was on struggle street but got there in the end. Willow was starting to regret her choice when she realised how quick her moves were going to become while Jorgeous and Leslie compared height before she slayed the moves. While Daya, obviously, questioned Joregous’ skills. At dancing. Because she hasn’t proven to be one of the best all season.

Oh and then Camden slayed from start to finish. 

Elimination Day arrived with the dolls splitting up to beat their mugs while Angeria assured us that she had well and truly rehearsed and was ready to slay. Camden meanwhile was opening up to DeJa about how embarrassed she is over how tense she let things get the day before, though given she was feeling her new role pretty hard, that is a very easy feeling to have. Daya opened up about being a theatre queen, while Jorgeous read her (and musicals in general) for filth for being boring, OTT and too happy rather than ratchet like she likes. Angeria asked Bosco if she is nervous, with her opening up about learning to dance through her grandma who is a former (almost) rockette. Jorgeous admitted that she learnt how to dance from watching Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, which Daya had never heard about. While DeJa admitted she also had never taken a dance lesson in her life, with Jorgeous joking that it showed.

Ru, Michelle and Ross were joined on the panel by the iconic, Academy Award nominated musician-actress Andra Day for the premiere of Moulin Ru! Angeria, Daya, DeJa and Jorgeous started the show strong, though I was honestly more focused on the sexy dancers in corsets with exposed nips. Camden then joined them and bought all the fire; she was camp, giving perfect lines and was a little demented. On the flipside, while Bosco started super strong, Leslie Jordan arrived to play the Duke and well, then my eyes were pulled in only his direction. Oh and Willow stole the show as the green fairy.

On the Mirror Mirror runway Camden was a perfect star nymph, Bosco was an intergalactic, spiky sex-pot tin wo-man. Willow was a ‘70s rock goddess, Angeria was a stunning, shimmering blue mosaic, Daya looked like Lady Kiss – in a good way – while DeJa was a nude-illusion, shimmering, caged Queen as Jorgeous was a shimmering ribcage and looked a dream.

Camden received universal praise for elevating the MC role and totally stealing the show, while her outfit was great, Ross didn’t love the bottom. Bosco meanwhile was read for not taking the roll as far as it needed to go while Michelle just wanted Bosco to show diversity on the runway, despite looking perfect. Willow received universal praise for everything she served this week while Angie was beloved for doing a lot with a small part. Oh and she looked perfect on the runway. Daya was praised for combining performance and energy, and for slaying the runway while the judges felt DeJa started slow, she came to life in the rap. And well her look didn’t meet the criteria. Jorgeous meanwhile was read for losing energy throughout the performance though they loved her runway.

Ru then got shady and asked everyone who should go home this week with Camden casting her vote for Bosco for being the weakest in the rusical, while Bosco suggested Jorgeous should go home for her track record. Before everyone else voted for Bosco to go home. Particularly because she fought so hard for the role and didn’t deliver. Oh and Jorgeous then doubled down and reminded Ru that Bosco was in the bottom three times in a single episode, so maybe they should take that into account too.

Backstage Bosco opened up about being shocked to be in the bottom, though didn’t have any issue with her sisters saying she should have gone home. Before she ran off to prep the lip sync, Angeria and Daya just told her they only said her because of the critiques, while Joregous reiterated she voted for her for how she treated Camden to get the role. She then pointed out that her runway was actually on task, which is what Jorgeous identified as the reason that she too would be lip syncing. Though DeJa felt she could also be there. 

Angeria meanwhile worried she would somehow land in the bottom – um, no – while the dolls congratulated Camden on a job, very well done! Though Angeria felt Daya could snatch victory for making the most out of such a small role. While Willow was thrilled to once again be in the top, but knew she wouldn’t be taking out the win. Camden then opened up about the fight with only Daya telling her she was a little bratty, which, lol girl. She was interrupted by a video from her mother who was equal parts creative and sweet, which gave Camden that much needed boost for the rest of the season.

The nervous girls split up to get prepped for the lip sync, leaving the tops to kiki. With Camden wanting them to come up with a strategy for not making things awkward again when assigning roles. Jorgeous asked everyone who they felt was their biggest competition, with DeJa scared of Angeria, Jorgeous and Angeria were nervous about competing against Willow, while Camden was threatened by Bosco – which was reciprocated – though Camden was also nervous about Jorgeous. Distracting from the potential rage from Daya for not being viewed as a threat, Andra Day dropped by to chat with the girls and ugh, she is just so damn cool.

Ultimately Daya and Willow were sent to safety before Camden was handed her second win of the season. Much to her absolute delight. Angeria too was deemed safe before DeJa’s performance saved her from the bottom, leaving Bosco and Jorgeous to battle it out. To my dear Whitney Houston’s Heartbreak Hotel, no less! While Bosco had all of the fire and turned it out, Jorgeous knew she was fighting an uphill battle and well, she scaled said hill and back. Gagging her sisters as she eliminated Bosco from the competition. Well, until she unwrapped her chocolate bar and we finally, FINALLY, struck gold as everyone celebrated her second chance. While she broke down with joy.

Backstage Bosco was thrilled to have been saved by a candybar, particularly since she truly believes she deserves to be here. While she was thrilled, DeJa was annoyed that none of them have a shot at immunity while Jorgeous was just annoyed that there are still so many girls to send home. Bosco assured everyone that she holds no ill will against them for suggesting she should go home, before apologising to Lady Camden for the drama between them. With Camden thankfully copping to her part too and once again, all was harmonious.

The next day Daya continued to be horned up while Angeria praised Jorgeous as the lip sync assassin of the season which for some reason, enraged DeJa, who felt she was the one true assassin. But before we could get answers to who would truly be the best, Ru arrived with Norvina from Anastasia Beverly Hills for a mini-challenge where they would each paint Ru’s face. On a brick wall. Not her mug. Oh and Dolly’s, with DeJa, Gorgeous and Angeria together painting Ru, while Willow, Daya, Camden and Bosco would paint Dolly. And well, they benefited from having an extra person because theirs was drastically better. While Ru was gagged by how busted the girls made her look.

Before departing, Ru announced that for this week’s maxi challenge, the dolls would be roasting the one and only Bossy Rossy. And for winning the mini-challenge, Bosco, Willow, Daya and Camden would decide the order. Which did nothing to ease Jorgeous’ nerves. Trying to make up for last week, Bosco asked the losers where they would like to perform, wanting everyone to do their best. After taking their requests, the victors pulled themselves aside to decide the order with Bosco offering to go first, letting Joergeous have second like she wants with Willow taking third, knowing she would look better after Jorgeous. They then put Angeria in fourth, Daya fifth before Camden debated about risking it and going last. Particularly since DeJa didn’t want that place. Ultimately, she decided to risk it for said biscuit, which made everyone very happy. While Bosco was just glad no one could complain.

The dolls split up to work on their roasts with everyone feeling particularly terrified except for Bosco, who was quietly righting away. Willow threw out some hilariously bad jokes, Daya was charming – gay gasp – as she wrote nothing while DeJa reminded them all to go in hard, then wrote terrible jokes while cracking herself up.

Bosco was first up to rehearse with Dulce Sloan and Michelle with her struggling through with both of them reminding her to go hard and come out guns blazing. Though I hope it is all a massive fake-out and she slays. Willow was too rambling for their liking while Angeria was charming as hell despite the girls not loving all of her jokes. Daya’s fears were allayed as the judges chuckled at the few jokes she had written while DeJa’s jokes were not landing with anyone but herself. Oh and then Camden proved it was the right choice to take a risk as she was hilarious before Jorgeous tried to win them over with compliments rather than telling any jokes. But she was living her best life over her own jokes, despite pretty much just being ready to lip sync.

Backstage Jorgeous opened up and explained she was well and truly over things, and while her sisters tried to remind her she is talented and just needs to get out of her head. She truly just felt defeated and it was hard to watch.

Elimination Day arrived with Camden feeling her oats, focused on trying to keep her confidence and deliver a good set. Bosco meanwhile opened up about feeling good about opening the show while Daya was hoping her second half would be as successful as the half she rehearsed while Jorgeous was only getting further in her head. Bosco tried to remind her that she has proven herself to be a star and as such, she needs to take that energy into the challenge. While DeJa was confident that her track record would continue to improve. Oh and Bosco borrowed one of Daya’s sponges which straight up looked like a chopped off testicle.

Ru, Michelle and Ross were joined by Dulce Sloan on the judges panel for the Ross Matthews Roast, with Bosco slaying from start to finish, reading anything and everything in sight. Jorgeous was iconically bad from the very first moment. It was incoherent and bizarre and I LIVED for every second. Willow was hilarious, smart and such a star, Angeria was solid and super charming, Daya took so long to get anywhere it was an absolute mess before DeJa said hold my beer and was even worse. Which only made Camden funnier than she already was, slaying from start to finish.

On the Tu-tu Much runway Bosco was a star as a bladesaw ballerina covered in blood. Jorgeous was a mess as a biker ballerina, Willow was a camp, judgemental old queen and OH SO PERFECT. Angeria was rocking a beautiful gown made of tutus while Daya looked stunning as a rose gold stilted ballerina – though only because she is so damn tall – while DeJa looked like an extra from the Season 8 promo before Camden was perfection as a classic ballerina.

The judges lived for everything Bosco served up this week, from slaying the jokes and giving such a bold runway. Jorgeous received praise for her runway though was read for struggling in the roast, despite giving a good energy. Willow’s look was beloved and while they loved her roast, they felt she could have gone even further. Angeria was praised for having fun on the roast despite not being the best. Though they lived for her runway. Daya’s look received universal praise though she was read for being bad in the roast. DeJa meanwhile was read for everything she did this week and then when she tried to explain her at-home schtick she was even worse. Thankfully Camden received praise for everything she did. Except for the echo arsehole joke.

Backstage DeJa was ok with the fact she would clearly be lip syncing, though felt bad for putting in jokes that Michelle and Dulce told her were shit. She broke down over messing up so badly and for not delivering what the judges see in her, though more so she was heartbroken to clearly be lip syncing against Jorgeous. Despite the fact that Daya is right there and bombed just as badly. Jorgeous reminded everyone how hard the challenge is though was feeling good given it is over. Angeria meanwhile was worried that Jorgeous was losing her confidence and starting to fade away.

As DeJa continued to sob, Camden tried to remind her how good she is and how she has appreciated how hopeful she has been throughout the season. This snapped DeJa out of it, thanking her sisters for being so kind and grateful to have gotten to know each and every one of them.

The dolls congratulated Camden on clearly making it to the end while looking like such a star on the runway. Angeria meanwhile felt it was awkward to not really know how you were going on stage while Jorgeous just hated every moment of it. Willow was thrilled to have performed ok and for looking amazing on the runway, despite the fact she could barely speak due to her lip prosthetics. She then received a video message from home and ugh, her family are so damn cute and charming, praising Willow for being a star and just making them all so happy and proud. While she laughed and cried, she couldn’t move her face at all because of her lips and it was great.

Dulce dropped backstage to talk to the dolls, congratulating them on performing so well and reminding them that they are lucky to be here. And to just celebrate making it. She then immediately bounced as Willow kissed everyone with her massive lips.

Ultimately Camden was sent to safety before Bosco took out her third win of the season before Willow and Angeria were sent to safety. Ru then gagged Daya, Jorgeous and DeJa with the news that they would all be lip syncing for their lives and not just that, only one of them would be surviving the lip sync. Despite looking terrified, as soon as Olivia Rodrigo’s good 4 u started Daya was ready to save herself. She sold all the emotion, had the lyrics down and made sense with the song. Jorgeous meanwhile gave her usual performance though the style didn’t seem to work with the song while DeJa was just kind there. Despite reminding us she was the only one Ru called a lip sync assassin. As such Daya was deemed safe, leaving both Jorgeous and DeJa to sashay away.

Things started a wee bit more awkward than usual, as DeJa questioned how the lip sync assassin and her apprentice – Jorgeous is nobody’s apprentice – were felled by Daya. And while yeah, we all hated Daya until this very episode, the judging was fairly on point this week. Which is obviously not what I told her, as I cried about them being robbed of their place in the rumix and begging them to come back and slay on All Stars (which both DeJa and Jorgeous could easily win). After perking her back up, I distracted her with a delicious Dejate Skye Loaf and all was right in the world.

I once started a cafe at home in the middle of the suburbs when I was five after whipping up a packet mix version of date loaf. While I literally fled the business before seeing whether it was a success, date loaf won my heart and as such, I dedicated my life to perfecting a recipe. And well, this is it! Sweet, moist and oh so moreish, there is nothing better!

Enjoy!

Dejate Skye Loaf
Serves: 6-8.

Ingredients
250g pitted dates, roughly chopped
1 cup boiling water
⅓ cup butter, melted
¾ cup raw caster sugar
2 tsp vanilla extract
1 egg
1 ½ cup flour
2 tbsp baking powder
1 tsp bicarb soda
1 tsp mixed spice
1 pinch kosher salt

Method
Preheat the oven to 160°C and line a loaf pan.

Pop the dates in a large bowl and pour over the boiling water, leaving to rest for 5 minutes or until nice and plumped. Stir in the butter, sugar and vanilla before quickly beating in the egg.

In a second bowl, sift together the flour, baking powder, bicarb, mixed spice and salt. Fold into the wet ingredients until well combined and pour into the lined loaf tin. Tranfer the cake to the oven and bake for 30-40 minutes, or until an inserted skewer comes out clean. Remove from the oven and leave to cool for five minutes before transferring to a wire rack to cool complete.

Or, serve a little bit warm with a thick smear of butter.


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Cobsister Hugo

Baking, Bread, Dessert, Survivor South Africa, Survivor South Africa: Island of Secrets, Sweets, TV Recap

Previously on Survivor South Africa Dante continued to be an Island all by himself – which I would love to make land on – after the Seipei blindside when he pushed to get rid of Rob instead. Jacques and Cobus weren’t thrilled to be left out of the Seipei vote, confronting Rob who assured them that they needed to keep it quiet despite how profusely they said that they wanted Seipei gone too. After Dante won another reward and opted to share it with Laetitia, Mmaba and Mike, he pissed off everyone else in the tribe who decided it was because they are so strong. Dante tried to get the rest of those on the outs to join him, this time to get Cobus out, while Durao gave up his vote to get a cheat code for the immunity challenge. After it worked and Durao was safe, the tribe got to deciding who to split their votes on between Mmaba and Jacques – with Dante the target, obvi – with the latter chosen to burn his idol. Sadly for them, and particularly Steffi who was annoyed about any idols she isn’t aware of, Jacques didn’t burn his idol though they were successful in getting rid of Dante.

Back at camp Jacques was pissed about his alliance getting sanctimonious about his secrets, when they were secretly plotting to get rid of him. He approached Cobus to see if he would be willing to flip, given he has been left out of two votes in a row. Cobus was non-committal, deciding it would be best to talk to his allies to find out what happened before making any rash decisions. Oh and Steffi continued to be upset that Jacques didn’t burn his idol. While everyone else slept, Steffi approached Mike and Durao and took them to the well to shade Jacques and Cobus for playing up to the jury … who will decide the winner. While that sounds stupid when you type it, the logic that that makes them a threat is solid.

The next day Nicole tried to do damage control with Jacques and Cobus to make sure they didn’t panic, with Jacques suggesting he will burn his idol if needs be. Nicole shared that she prefers to play with integrity and doesn’t like it when the lines get blurred, and started to question Steffi’s motives because her morals change day to day. Meanwhile Cobus was glad to have Jacques remain in the game as it kept the target off him and damn, I am nervous.

Nico arrived for this week’s immunity challenge where everyone would have to suspend a bar between two handles over a tile, with the last tile left unsmashed winning the victor steak and veggies, wine or an advantage … or a letter from home. To complicate matters further, people would only compete against those that want the same reward. Durao and Nicole were the only ones going for food, Mmaba and Rob went for the advantage and the rest were fighting for letters from home. Nicole and Durao were first upm with Durao nobly dropping out almost immediately, knowing that she needed it more. And honestly, I don’t even think he was trying for anything in return and TBH if he had speedos, he would be my fave. Mike, Cobus, Jacques, Steffi and Laetitia went next for the letters, with Steffi struggling early before Jacques, Laetitia and Cobus dropped out of nowhere in quick succession before Mike dropped out to give Steffi a letter, this time to benefit him down the track. Finally Rob and Mmaba competed for the advantage and while I wish I could tell you Mmaba owned him, she tragically dropped and handed him the advantage which Nico made him read allowed to the tribe. And while I wish that was juicy, it just told them all that his advantage awaited on the Island of Secrets.

We followed Rob to the Island of Secrets where he learnt that his advantage was the food Nicole won, the letter Steffi won and the chance to practice the final puzzle of the upcoming immunity challenge. He sat back and relaxed on the island, knowing that he was in control of the game before breaking down over his letter from home, learning that he had become an uncle since leaving South Africa. Meanwhile back at camp the tribe got down to prepping a meal where Cobus spoke about his shock over picking a letter from home rather than a meal. Steffi found a quiet place on the beach to read her letter, breaking down over the love she was missing though thankful that it will give her the push she needs. She then found Mike to thank him for giving up his letter for her, which made him breakdown over what he missed out on.

While Mmaba was sitting by the shore, Cobus rallied the rest of the troops to ask them to stay together one final time to get rid of her. Steffi was agreeable, though said that Jacques needed to burn his idol to earn back her trust. This frustrated him and led to him asking whether she truly believes that he is the only person with an advantage in his bag, leading to the root of her saltiness coming out – she had been to the Island of Secrets three times and came back with nothing.

The next day Jacques shared that all he wants is to until the loved ones visit so that he can use his reward steal to spend time with his wife. He approached Cobus to see whether he would be willing to watch out for him and help him get to the loved ones visit, with repayment of a visit from his mum. Which he was super keen for. While they were away however Steffi continued to rally people against Jacques, despite assuring him they would stick together if he flushed his idol and god I hope this doesn’t end well for her. They all agreed to split the votes on Jacques and Cobus, with Steffi cocky that her plan was going to be a game changer.

Nico and Rob returned for the reward challenge where they were required to race through a series of obstacles balancing a ball on a bow. Once they navigated three balls through the obstacles, they would have to land them in grooves on a flat, wavy piece of wood. Oh and in addition to immunity the winner would get to drive a luxury SUV around for a month when they get home, which is only notable in how strange it is. Rob made quick work of the obstacles, proving adept at ball play. Cobus followed close behind, with Jacques nipping at their heels. Rob, Jacques, Cobus and Steffi were the first to reach the puzzle, with Rob’s advantage proving too much for them to overcome, snatching immunity and a month of a hire car. Again, strange.

Back at camp Cobus was hoping to stick with the easy vote tonight, as it is the safest way to guarantee that he will still be here the next day. He caught up with alliance of seven, asking them to stick together for one final ride with everyone saying that they are happy to get rid of Durao. Steffi and nicole immediately approached Mmaba to get her on board to split the votes between Jacques and Cobus, while Rob locked in Mike, Durao and Laetitia. While Mike was confident in his alliance with Mike, Mike shared that he is only keeping him around as a shield and will gladly slit his throat when needed and hot damn, it may start getting interesting again. Just not at the upcoming vote. Mike then approached Mmaba and Durao to share his plan to stay tight as a four – with who else, I am not sure – to take out Rob, Nicole and Steffi. Speaking of that trio, Rob started to get spooked about them turning on them so decided that he would tell everyone that his advantage was the chance to steal two people’s votes at one of the next few tribal councils to make them fearful of flipping on them. Which they all agreed was a great idea. 

But back to the vote ahead, Cobus started to get nervous, approaching Rob and then Steffi, Laetitia and Nicole, where he learnt that they still plan to split the vote on Jacques to get rid of his idol instead of a straight up vote against Durao. This made Cobus even more nervous, so he approached Jacques, Mmaba and Durao to talk about getting rid of Steffi instead. Cobus was hopeful to tee it all up, then back out and hopefully get Mike to vote her out instead to keep his hands clean and TBH that just makes me nervous that he is about to screw himself over. To try and woo Mike to his side, Jacques showed him the reward steal and promised to share it with him. This led to a moment of real talk, where they agreed that shit is about to hit the fan and that they need to work together to make it to the end. And somehow, Mike still thinks Nicole is someone he should trust which feels important but doesn’t flow with the narrative.

At tribal council Rob continued to downplay his threat status, while Cobus admitted that he is nervous given he hasn’t been looped in on the last three votes. Jacques agreed that he is on the outs, wearing his idol to protect himself, though I am not convinced that he will actually vote. He then reiterated that all he cares about is making the loved ones visit, which he believes is the next day and he will do anything to get there. Talk turned to who the next target is then, if he is out of the picture with Mmaba slyly admitting that people are now talking to her and she isn’t sure whether it is perfect timing, or way too late. She then shaded people for having blind trust in the game before Steffi sounded like a broken record about trust and people breaking their word, Durao admitted that it is important but sometimes it needs to have an expiry date and to be open to options, even if you only trust one or two people.

Everyone reiterated that they are confident in who they trust, while the jurors obviously felt enraged every time she spoke. Rob mentioned that blindsides need to be played perfectly, otherwise they were too risky, while Jacques pointed out that they need to have a purpose rather than being for attention. Queen Laetitia spoke about the post challenge chaos, saying that her strategy was to wait for people for people to make up their minds and then shop around the plans and go with whichever suits her best. Jacques whined about people playing passively, which Mmaba called out as exactly the style he is playing. Laetitia jumped in to say she is anything but passive, given she talks to everyone before Steffi started to act strange, laughing about people strategising and again, coming across as hella cocky. Before Cobus reminded us that he went to his alliance to try and convince them to stick together.

With that the tribe voted, Jacques enraged Steffi by choosing to hold on to his idol and tragically my last boyfriend of the season Cobus became the latest victim of a blindside. Though given Steffi received votes, you know some fireworks are coming and that will keep me happy.

Cobus pulled me into his big, strong arms as soon as he spotted me in Ponderosa, thrilled to see such a dear friend slash ex waiting to cheer him up. Despite our relationship coming to an end when I was deported from South Africa, we’ve remained the closest of friends and as such, I knew the only thing that could dull the pain of being booted was a fresh batch of Cobsister Hugo.

Crisp on the outside, warm and fluffy on the inside with a kick of spice and a sweet lick of honey, there is nothing better to warm your soul. Even when you’re smarting from being booted.

Enjoy!

Cobsister Hugo
Serves: 6.

Ingredients
1¼ cups warm milk
60g unsalted butter, melted
1 egg, lightly beaten
3 ½ cups plain flour, sifted, plus extra, to dust
14g dry yeast
2¼ cups raw caster sugar
1 ½ tsp ground cinnamon
1 tsp ground nutmeg
1 tsp ground mixed spice
1 tsp ground ginger
1 tsp ground cardamom
1 tsp ground cloves
vegetable oil, to deep-fry
1 cup honey

Method
Whisk the milk, butter and egg in a jug. Meanwhile, combine the flour, yeast, sugar and spices in the bowl of a stand mixer. Pour the liquid into the dry ingredients and mix by hand with the dough hook until just coming together. Engage in the stand mixer and mix for about five minutes, or until a sticky dough is formed. Transfer to an oiled bowl, cover and leave to prove for a couple of hours.

Transfer dough to a lightly floured surface, split it into quarters then divide each quarter into four. Roll into 30cm strips, cut them down the centre, leaving attached by a centimetre or so at the end and then plait the strips and sealing the ends together. Cut the braid into three, place on a lined baking sheet and repeat the process until done.

When you’re ready to get your fry on, heat about 10cm of vegetable oil in a large stock pot. Once the oil reaches 180°C-ish, place a couple of buns in the hot oil and fry for five minutes, or until cooked through, golden and crisp. Transfer to some paper towel and repeat the process until done.

Drizzle with honey and devour immediately, enjoying the departure of the last remaining Zaddy. Other than Mike.


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Perslix Blatjangodlo

Condiment, Preserve, Sauce, Survivor South Africa, Survivor South Africa: Island of Secrets, TV, TV Recap

Previously on Survivor South Africa Nico asked everyone to drop their buffs, when he knows full well I’d rather most of the men get in the buff. But alas, new Ta’alo was an even split of the three OG tribes, while Cobus was ridin’ solo at Sa’ula and Seipei was alone at Laumei, until her new BFF Tania joined the tribe, and made Rose-Lee and Durao public enemies one and two. After winning the immunity challenge Rob and Nicole convinced their new tribemates to exile Seipei and save her from the upcoming tribal council, leading to poor Rose getting booted from the game and Seipei unsure where she will now stand in her tribe.

Back at camp the tribe lamented Rose’s departure while Durao thanked them for keeping him around before low key reminding them that he is strong and as such, they need him if they want to avoid going back to tribal council. Since the other tribes are absolutely stacked.

Forgoing any other camp chat, Nico returned for this week’s reward challenge where the tribes would have to match pairs of tiles, with the first tribe reaching seven taking out victory. In the form of smoothies and supplements. More importantly they kept focusing on Dante’s package during the explanation and challenge and again, I am moister than an oyster. Obvi this challenge is hella boring, but let’s just say Queen Seipei dominated while Rob and Nathan sat out and did some cross tribal strategising, with Nathan pondering throwing immunity to gain control of his tribe. In any event Sa’ula won, Laumei came in second and Geoffrey was sent to the Island of Secrets while Rocco served a glorious nip slip-glasses combo.

I mean, this cast makes me bloody swoon.

The victors arrived at the smoothie bar, overwhelmed by the wellness and oddly not v. impressed by the wings? Thankfully Meryl kept things interesting, focusing instead on looking for a hidden advantage whilst everyone smashed smoothies. Try as she might though, she couldn’t get rid of her tribemates long enough to snatch the advantage. Eventually she resorted to looping in Dante so that she could run interference long enough for him to snatch the package. Isn’t the visual of Dante snatching a package all you could ever wish for? Oh and he was successful, obvs.

Back at Laumei the mood was mildly less jubilant as they split their fruit platter and Tania explained how best to eat fruit. Thankfully Queen Seipei continued to be the best, with everyone looking to her for support and guidance, despite her not wanting to play the role of camp mum. Even if it was something that she hoped could protect her for a while. Jacques, meanwhile, approached Durao to discuss aligning and while the latter didn’t really trust the former, he had no other option, so agreed and commenced trash talking Felix for being a total grumpy buzz kill. And just like that, the boys had a new target.

Over at the Island of Secrets Geoffrey was struggling to remember his tribemates’ names before discovering a dilemma to either snatch a jar of lollies for himself or a box of dry firewood. Like Jericho and Luke before him, he snatched the lollies and spent the rest of the day buzzing off a sugar high.

The next morning Meryl lived out my fantasy and woke up with Dante and went walking through the jungle … to read their clue, discovering that their potential hidden immunity idol will be hidden at the upcoming challenge. And just like that, I have Sharn PTSD and I can’t stop laughing through the desire to vomit for her embarrassment. We returned to Ta’alo where Geoffrey returned and told them extremely quickly that he had three options, the fake one being a personal advantage, before pulling the lollies out and hoping it would be enough to woo people to his side. As they were about to head off to the immunity challenge, Nathan pulled Steffi aside to float the idea of throwing the challenge in the hopes of getting rid of Mmaba. Which she was very much against, given she is super competitive.

At said challenge we learnt the tribes would have to swim out to a structure, climb up it, jump off and retrieve a bag, swim back and repeat until they were done. Then they would use the puzzle pieces within the bags to solve a series of slide puzzles, with the last one to finish going to tribal council. Ta’alo got out to an early lead while Laumei followed closely behind and Mmaba unintentionally played into Nathan’s plan, keeping the tribe well and truly behind the rest. Sa’ula and Laumei were on their final puzzle boards before Nathan made his way back to shore, before Meryl snatched victory for her tribe and the immunity idol for herself, while Jacques completely blew Laumei’s lead and despite his attempt to lose, Nathan secured victory for Ta’alo.

We followed Ta’alo back after the immunity challenge where Meryl was coming clean about having found a hidden immunity idol, worried that somebody spotted her grabbing it. While Rob thought it was a stupid idea to share the information, he was hopeful it meant that she is trustworthy rather than trying to display her growing power. Mwahahaha.

Back at Laumei Felix further highlighted his negative attitude, bossing the boys around as Seipei and Tania went for a walk to rant about Jacques blowing the challenge, while Felix made snide remarks about them losing. As the ladies locked in their votes for Felix, he continued to annoy Durao and Jacques without realising that he was only making the situation worse for himself. The four got together and confirmed Felix would be going home and agreed to gaslight him and pretend Durao is going home instead. Durao and Jacques then decided to add insult to injury and humiliate Felix with a fake idol on the way out, only for said fake idol to wash out of Durao pants when he went swimming. Though thankfully it drew attention to his crotch, which is always a win.

With that we arrived at tribal council assuming it would be a foregone conclusion, as Felix displayed extreme confidence while Durao continued to pretend that he is the one in trouble. Tania agreed that she will be sticking with tribal lines and today was all the more peaceful for it, Seipei hoped that she had done enough to save herself and Jacques admitted that he was embarrassed by his performance in the challenge. Oh and the blindside did come into fruition as Felix’s smug grin at Durao’s lack of idol play was quickly wiped from his face as he realised that everyone had turned on him and they were thrilled to see him go.

While Felix wasn’t thrilled to be blindsided so soon, he took it far better than his attitude would have you believe. I pulled him in for a hug and quickly distracted him, nervous about his reaction, so reminded him that people that go home after the swap, generally do so because they are a massive threat to everyone, which made him feel chipper in no time. But honestly, how could you be angry after smashing a vat of Perslix Blatjangodlo.

The name may be confusing to anyone like me that doesn’t speak Afrikaans, but this peach jam – aka perske blatjang – is so good, you won’t even care how clunky it is. Despite firmly being a chutney, this sweet and spicy sauce is the ultimate thing to smear on a sandie.

Enjoy!

Perslix Blatjangodlo
Serves: 4-6.

Ingredients
2 tbsp olive oil
1 onion, diced
4 garlic cloves, crushed
2cm piece of ginger, peeled and minced
2 tsp curry powder
½ tsp chilli flakes
½ tsp mixed spice
3 yellow peaches, peeled, destoned and diced
⅔ cup raw caster sugar
½ cup apple cider vinegar

Method
Heat the oil in a saucepan over medium heat, and cook the onion, garlic, ginger, curry powder, chilli flakes and mixed spice for five minutes, or until the onion is soft and sweet. Add the peach, sugar and vinegar, and stir until the sugar dissolves. Bring to the boil, reduce to low and simmer for half an hour, or until it is thick like chutney. 

Season to taste and allow to cool slightly before devouring on a sandwich. Or decanting into a sterilized jar.


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Marcia Hot Cross Buns

Baking, Bread, Side, Snack, Sweets

With Easter just around the corner, I started thinking about all the wonderful back-from-the-dead – or brink of – performances to ever grace the small screen and it reminded me how long it had been since I caught up with my dear friend Marcia Cross.

While much has been made about it in the media, I was not not the inspiration for the role of Kimberly Shaw in Melrose Place. I was just brought in to coach Marcia to peak craziness. We worked together day and night for months, and that close working relationship quickly developed into a deep and beautiful friendship that no questionable casting choices – I see you Quantico – will ever destroy.

Marcia and I are such wonderful friends, but since we’re both so successful and busy it makes it hard to maintain the day-to-day aspects of friendship, so it was such a treat to make the time to hang out and toast to the future.

Despite the fact she only has Quantico keeping her busy compared to the multiple pies I have my hands in. Not that I’m bitter.

Anyway, easter is the time for miracles etc. so Marsh and I made it work, plotted a return to the A-list – for both of us – and devoured in a shit tonne of Marcia Hot Cross Buns, as is the style of the season.

 

 

Spicy, soft and packing a punch – not to measure a shit tonne of delicious fruits – these make the perfection that is Hot Cross Buns even better.

Not convinced? Make them for yourself … and enjoy!

 

 

Marcia Hot Cross Buns
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
14g dried yeast
1 ¼ cups milk, warmed
¼ cup muscovado sugar
4 cups flour, plus ¼ cup for crossin’
1 ½ tsp cinnamon
1 tsp mixed spice
¼ tsp nutmeg
pinch of salt
¼ cup butter
½ cup sultanas
½ cup raisins
1 cup craisins
2 eggs
½ tsp baking powder

Method
Combine the yeast, milk and muscovado sugar in a jug and set aside in a warm, dry place until it is foamy and glorious.

Meanwhile combine the flour, spices and salt in the bowl of a stand mixer and rub through the butter with your fingertips until it resembles dirty sand. Add the fruits, eggs and foamy yeast mixture, and knead in a stand mixer for five to ten minutes, or until smooth and elastic. Place in a greased bowl, cover and allow to prove for an hour or so, or until double in size.

Preheat oven to 200°C.

Knock the dough back, shape into 12 balls and place on a lined baking sheet, leaving 5cm apart. Cover with some cling and allow to prove for another half an hour.

Combine the extra flour with the baking powder and ¼ cup of water. Spoon crosses over the buns and transfer to the oven to bake for ten minutes. Reduce heat to 150°C, rotate the pan and bake for a further 15 minutes.

Remove from the oven and allow to rest for five minutes before serving, slathered in a shit tonne of butter.

 

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Cherry Seinfeld Cheesecake

12 days of Festivus for the rest of us, Cake, Dessert, Snack, Sweets

After what feels like a marathon finish to an epic year – kicking off with the supreme Diana Ross, experiencing the highest of highs honouring the 10th anniversary of Because I Said So, and the lowest of lows witnessing queen Sandra Diaz-Twine’s torch being snuffed for the first time, learning that Nicaragua can be pronounced Knee-Coo-Arrr-Ohhh-Goo-A, seeing the glorious buns of Locky Gilbert on the killer second/fourth season of Australian Survivor, the glorious crowning of Sasha Velour, catching Milk post-All Stars 3 filming and a breathtaking end to the oddly titled Heroes v. Healers v. Hustlers – we’ve finally hit day 12 of the 12 Days of Festivus.

You know, after catching up with Jase, Heids, Barn, Liz, Wayne, Mike, Pat, John, J-Lou, Stel and Jez.

It should come as absolutely zero surprise what with the process of elimination and the fact the show is named after him, that we’re rounding out our Fete de Festivus with a date with my dear friend slash protege, Jerry Seinfeld. What – you didn’t know I taught him everything he knows?

He first caught my eye during his appearances on Benson and I took him under my wing, guiding his career from Johnny Carson, to Letterman and eventually introduced him to Larry David. The rest, as they say, is history.

Given how busy Seiny has been with his Netflix deal, we haven’t seen much of each other lately so it was such a treat to pop on our puffy shirts and ring in Christmas – by way of Festivus, of course – with a big fat Cherry Seinfeld Cheesecake.

 

 

Tart and sweet, creamy, rich and packed full of spice, this cheesecake is festive perfection. And super simple, which is perfect if you want to focus on your drinking. And who doesn’t?

Enjoy!

Oh, and from our crazy family to yours, Merry Christmas! We’re taking a short break and will be back in the new year … or maybe a bit before. Dun dun DUUUUNNNN!

 

 

Cherry Seinfeld Cheesecake
Serves: 12.

Ingredients
1 cup frozen pitted cherries
¼ cup muscovado sugar
2 tsp ground cinnamon
½ tsp mixed spice
200g butternut snap biscuits, crushed
100g butter, melted
500g cream cheese
½ cup raw caster sugar
½ cup thickened cream
3 tsp gelatine powder, dissolved in ¼ cup boiling water

Method
Place the cherries, muscovado sugar, cinnamon and mixed spice in a small saucepan over medium heat and cook for about fifteen minutes, or until it beautifully scented and reduced. Transfer to a heatproof bowl and place in the fridge to cool.

Combine the biscuit crumbs and melted butter, and press into the base of a 20cm springform pan and refrigerate while you make the filling.

Beat the cream cheese in an electric mixer until smooth. Reduce speed to low and add in the sugar, cream and gelatine until smooth and combined.

Fold through the chilled cherries, and pour the mixture into the chilling pan and return to the fridge for a few hours to set.

Remove from the fridge half an hour before serving and devour.

 

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Joe Manngo Chutney

Condiment, Dip, Sauce, Survivor, Survivor: Heroes v. Healers v. Hustlers, TV Recap

Previously on Survivor, the Mike and Joe frantically searched for cracks in the alliance of seven. While they were successful in finding an in, it was in know way to their credit, as Ben, Lauren, Devon and Ashley hatched a plan to blindside Ryan and Chrissy and take control. While I’m still confused how inserting someone into the game on day 28 only to blindside them is a power move, farewell JP. We barely knew ye!

Things were hella awkward back at camp after the blindside, with Ben pretending to be upset and Chrissy pretending to be cool with the vote … as her voice got higher and higher with each sentence. Ryan was mildly more successful pretending to be gracious about the blindside, though was still hella pissed about the vote. Though it appears not as personally attacked as Chrissy. In any event, Ben should play the Glenn Close role in the reboot of Fatal Attraction.

Ben went for a walk with Lauren and Ashley to discuss their success under the guise of making nice, while Ryan and Devon got together to clear the air. While Ryan tried to argue the semantics of his idol lie, Devon pretended they were ok despite being completely unmoved.

The next day Devon entered the winner’s edit fray, giving some nice personal content before meeting up with Ben for some breakfast, thankful that after one vote, their majority will be on lock and Ben can come out of the closet. The alliance closet, tragically. In any event, Devon’s cockiness seems far more likeable, making me feel like it won’t bite him in the butt. Yet.

My boy Probst arrived for a spa reward challenge, where the tribes would be split into teams and required to swim to a boat before rowing to the shore, collecting blocks along the way. They then need to use the blocks to push puzzle pieces out of a tunnel before, obvi, building said puzzle. Ashley, Ben, Devon and Joe got out to an early lead before stranding Ben with the second puzzle pieces and allowing Chrissy, Ryan, Mike and Lauren to catch-up. Sadly, that wasn’t enough as Ashley, Ben, Devon and Joe’s brute strength returned their lead while releasing the puzzle pieces, giving them victory before Mike and Chrissy could claw back.

At the reward, Joe was feeling better about his place in the game after surviving the last tribal and getting a shower. Devon’s stocks continued to rise, grateful for a shower … and Ben’s skillful portrayal as a blindsidee scorned. While the boys showered – in separate showers, sadly – Devon and Ashley gloated about the move, with the latter also realising that Ben will need to be legit blindsided soon.

Back at camp Ryan was feeling nervous, pulling Mike aside to try and find some common ground to form an alliance. Poor Mike was feeling super confidence in his new alliance of five – which is made up of three aligned people with two patsies – so quickly shut him down. Sadly Chrissy was having as much luck trying to win Lauren over by starting to discuss strategy on day 28. Chrissy’s mood continued to plummet as the rain rolled in the next day, taking some time alone in the shelter to wallow by herself. Thankfully Mike was on hand with some rice and comfort to perk her up.

Jiffy Pop returned for what looks to be a huge immunity challenge, where they were required to wheel a key through an obstacle course, unlock some puzzle pieces and, wait, build said puzzle. So yeah, not actually that huge. Ben, Devon and Joe got out to an early lead with Chrissy and Ashley close behind. Aka, Mike, Ryan and Lauren are total non-events. Devon was first across with all the puzzle pieces, followed closely by Ashley and Ben. thankfully for everyone else, the puzzle proved extremely difficult allowing Chrissy to catch up and snag immunity, despite everyone trying to cheat off her answers.

The tribe quickly commenced scrambling with the secret final four alliance of Ashley, Ben, Devon and Lauren sneaking away to lock in a vote against Joe. Ben then exited, allowing the three to tell Mike and Joe that the five of them will be splitting the votes between Ben and Ryan. With them busy, Ben joined Chrissy and Ryan to discuss who they should target, tossing up between Devon and Ashley, while Ben encouraged Ryan to save himself by playing his idol. To add a little confusion to the mix, Lauren and Ashley hooked up to discuss the issue of getting rid of Ben. While they agreed he will need to go eventually, they aren’t quite sure if it is the right time. Ashley then took the plan to Devon, who wasn’t convinced that it was a good idea just yet.

At tribal council Cole and JP continued to wear clothes, while Mike seemed pretty happy with himself, as too was Chrissy which makes more sense given she has immunity. Joe started to gloat about successfully taking advantage of the people at the bottom of Ben’s broken alliance, which to reiterate, nobody knows isn’t broken given he continues to get a Meryl-worthy performance. Mike joined in the gloating act, highlighting that neither he nor Joe are very self-aware. Vague talked turned to trusting your alliance and the ebbs and flows of the game before Joe announced that he was the safest he has felt even without an idol, thanks to his alliance. Sadly for him, that trust was misplaced as Ryan needlessly played his idol on himself, allowing the votes to roll in for Ashley before sending Joe out of the game.

What I didn’t mention when filling you in on JP, is that our relationship broke down after he discovered I was the firebug destroying his town all to assemble a life-calendar in my boudoir. I was arrested and since I’m a celeb, quickly put on parole … which is where I met and befriended Joe. While I gave him a decent amount of shit for the way he played the game, Joe is an absolute sweetheart out of the game and I wholeheartedly credit him for turning my life around. And for that, he’ll get aw many vats of my Joe Manngo Chutney whenever he is down.

 

 

The strong kick of chilli mixed with the hint of curry work perfectly with the sweetness of my juicy, juicy mangoes, leaving you with a condiment you want to drink by the jugful. Which Joe coincidentally does.

Enjoy!

 

 

Joe Manngo Chutney
Serves: 500ml-1L.

Ingredients
2kg mangoes, peeled, seeded and roughly chopped
sea salt
2 Granny Smith apples, peeled, cored and chopped
2 onions, diced
2 cloves of garlic
1 fresh red chilli
1 cup apple cider vinegar
2 cups muscovado sugar
1 tbsp minced ginger
2 tsp ground cumin
1 tsp ground coriander
1 tsp mixed spice
1 tsp ground clove
¼ cup sultanas

Method
Put the mangoes in a bowl and sprinkle with salt. Cover and leave overnight to rest. In the morning, drain off the juice and rinse the fruit thoroughly.

Combine the apple, garlic, chilli, vinegar, sugar, ginger, cumin, coriander, mixed spice, cloves and sultanas in a large saucepan over a low heat, and cook until the sugar just dissolves.

Add the mangoes, bring to the boil and add simmer for an hour, or until the chutney is thick and syrupy.

Spoon into sterilised jars and seal … or devour immediately with cold meat and sharp cheeses. Or use it in the Jacken Thomas & Avocado Pizza.

 

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Eve Plumb Pudding

Baking, Cake, Dessert, Snack, Sweets

Oh my goodness – I didn’t realise losing Florence Henderson would be this hard.

As one of my first loves, I always knew my heart would break but given we were never able to launch a spin-off of her Retirement Living cooking show – which would have looked suspiciously like Martha & Snoop’s Potluck Dinner Party – I’m distraught that I couldn’t help add a final jewel in the crown of her TV legacy.

But alas, this isn’t all about our dearly departed Florence …  and that is in no small part, thanks to the beautiful, caring support of my dear friend Eve Plumb, who helped me work through my grief.

As you know, Annelie and I connected with The Bradys via Mo and were cast as the worse versions of cousin Oliver. While we were wiped from the show’s history, we remained close with the kids – particularly Evie.

Like her character on the Bunch – oh, have I never mentioned we all called it the Bunch on set? ‘Cause we did – Eves was always the most down to earth (albeit a little jealous) member of the cast, and she took me under her wing and tried to help me through my multiple addictions and countless scandals throughout the years.

Fun fact: I am the one who got her into painting … which I took up when in rehab with my gal pal, Caz Fish.

I hadn’t seen Evie since her appearance in the Emmy Award winning production Grease: Live and was looking forward to toasting to her success and was on the phone to her when we heard about dear Flo’s passing.

It completely knocked me, I broke down and Evie knew that she was the only one that would be able to help me snap out of it – we actually inspired that scene in Moonstruck – and process my grief.

Of course, Eves was right about helping me, though making and devouring my Eve Plumb Pudding – as you probably guessed on Monday – should also take some of the credit, given its proven therapeutic benefits when it comes to helping process grief. In addition to being delicious.

(Talking about our sodden appearance on Sally Jessy also lifted our spirits, obviously … but that isn’t necessary to this story).

 

eve-plumb-pudding-1

 

I used to make this pud on set – which is pieced together from my grandmother’s handwritten par-recipe – every year to celebrate filming the last episode before our break and it was everything you want from Christmas and more – fruity, rich and ready to stuff you up … it sounds like everything I want in a man.

Enjoy!

 

eve-plumb-pudding-2

 

Eve Plumb Pudding
Serves: 2 mourners.

Ingredients
400g raisins
300g currants
150g sultanas
100g prunes, roughly chopped
100g dates, roughly chopped
250ml spiced rum
250g butter, at room temperature, plus extra to grease
1 cup muscovado sugar
1 tsp vanilla essence
4 eggs
2 ½ cups flour
2 tsp baking powder
1 tsp mixed spice
1 tsp ground cinnamon
1 tsp ground ginger
½ tsp nutmeg
¼ tsp ground cloves
Brandy custard, to serve

Method
This takes some planning ahead, ok? So I apologise, but place the fruit in a large bowl with the rum and leave to steep overnight to a day – the longer the better, you want that fruit completely written off.

Grease a two litre capacity pudding basin with extra, soft butter and line the base with a circle of non-stick paper. Leave aside.

In a stand mixer, cream the butter and sugar together until pale, fluffy and creamy. Add vanilla and each egg, one at a time, beating well after each addition.

Combine all the dry ingredients in a bowl and fold through the pulsating-ly fluffy egg, butter and sugar mix. Fold through the boozed up fruits and pour the batter into the prepared pudding basin.

Now for the fun – lol – place an upturned saucer – or something low and heatproof that fits – in the base of a large saucepan. Half fill the pot with kettle-boiled water and simmer over low heat.

While that is getting bubbly, cut a large square of non-stick paper and an equally sized square of foil. Fold them together, pleating at the middle to secure and place over the lid of the basin, foil side up. Press it down tightly and secure with kitchen twine like a poorly wrapped christmas present.

Lower the basin until the non-chalantly bubbling water – adding more if the tide is not high. Cover the pot as securely as possible and steam for 4 hours, or until an inserted skewer comes out clean. Check on the pot throughout cooking and top with more boiling water as required – use your judgement.

Remove from the basin, allow to rest for about half an hour and turn out.

Top with warmed brandy custard … which reminds me, I need to make a call.

Obviously you can devour while I’m on the phone – maybe check back over the weekend?

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.