Emmy Award Winner

Jeffrey Tamburito

Cinco de Cuatro Celebration, Main, Snack

I know what you’re thinking – what the fuck are you doing back for Cinco de Cuatro when today is Cinco de Mayo, you fool? A) that is super aggressive, let’s keep it pleasant and b) I simply can not have a Mexican food celebration honouring Arrested Development without the Bluth patriarch himself, Jeffrey Tambor.

I mean sure, I’ve totally dissed and dismissed my boy – well Lucille’s boy, both of them – Tony Hale … but we caught up last year and he is ok with it. He wanted to give his onscreen family, particularly his sibs Will, Porsh and Jase, a chance to be featured on this historical record of my celebrity friendships.

Anyway, back to Jeff – we’ve been friends for decades after meeting through my dear, dear, dearly departed friend Larry Sanders. I was completely taken by his talent in Lazza’s show and when he came in to audition for Arrested Development, I knew he just had to play George and Oscar.

After it was tragically axed prior to him snagging an Emmy, I made it my personal mission to snag him the gold. When I started developing a little show for Amazon called Transparent, I suggested he audition and help support the T of my community.

At first he thought I asked him to audition for season five of Community in an attempt to keep it on the t-eev, and while he agreed, he was even more excited to find out it was Transparent and his casting would help boost visibility for a less privileged part of my actual community. Now I know that it is fucked up to have a cisgender man playing a trans woman, but Jeffrey knows that and is working hard to make it up to the trans community by advocating that he be the last.

Given that season four should be released in the next few months, I was far less political in our discussions and instead focused on getting myself some spoilers / convincing him to find me a nice juicy role in the inevitable season five. Obviously that required me to sweeten him up, which in turn obviously meant I had to serve up a big old Jeffrey Tamburito.

 

 

There is no better way to honour the legitimate holiday that is Cinco de Mayo than a big, fat, spicy burrito. Hot, fresh and altogether soothing, is there anything more you need me to say to get some pork on your fork?

Enjoy!

 

 

Jeffrey Tamburito
Serves: 6.

Ingredients
olive oil
1kg pork shoulder
2 carrots, roughly chopped
2 onions, quartered
5 cloves of garlic
2 bay leaves
a few sprigs of oregano
3 tsp cumin
2 tsp smoked paprika
200g chipotles chillis in adobo sauce, blitzed to a pulp
400g can of chopped tomatoes
1L chicken stock
3 ripe tomatoes, diced
4 shallots, finely sliced
1 red capsicum, diced
400g can of kidney beans, drained
juice and zest of lime
1 onion, diced
small handful of coriander, finely chopped
1 tsp turmeric
3 cups rice, rinsed thoroughly
6 cups water
12 large tortillas
Guacamole, grated cheese, lettuce, sour cream, sriracha and any other beloved accompaniments, to serve

Method
Preheat oven to 160°C.

Heat a lug of oil in a dutch oven, season the pork and seal on both sides until golden. Remove from the pan, add the carrots, onion, garlic, bay leaves, oregano 2 tsps of the cumin and the smoked paprika and toss around with the meat for a minute or two, or until fragrant. Add the chillis, tinned tomatoes and chicken stock and bring to the boil. Cover and transfer to the oven and cook for three-four hours, or until the meat is falling apart.

While the meat is cooking, combine the tomatoes in a bowl with the shallots, capsicum, kidney beans, lime juice and a lug of olive oil. Stir well, season and refrigerate until needed.

Then get the rice ready by heating yet another lug of olive oil in a large pan and frying the onion for a couple of minutes, or until soft and sweet. Add the coriander, the remaining cumin and turmeric and cook for a further minute before stirring through the rice. Cover with water, give a good whack of seasoning and cook, uncovered, over low heat for about twenty minutes.

Once everything is done, remove the meat from the oven and shred meat between two forks like a basic white girl says she is for a wedding and return to the pan on the stove top. Crank the heat up and simmer in the sauce for ten minutes or so, or until thickened and delicious.

To serve, heat a tortilla is a dry frying pan. Transfer to a bench, layer with your desired salad, the bean salsa, condiments and cheese and finally the pulled pork. Fold the tortilla over to enclose, seal the ends and roll to create a fat cylinder. Wrap in foil and transfer to the aforementioned frying pan to cook for a minute or so either side.

Before, obviously, devouring.

 

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Jessica Flaulters

Cinco de Cuatro Celebration, Main, Snack

Given that her wickedly delightful character Lucille is the creator of the passive-aggressive holiday, I couldn’t go past opening up our Cinco de Cuatro celebrations with a power-date with Jessica Walter.

To put it simply, Jessica Walter is a damn saint. I mean, the woman gave us three of the greatest female characters of all time, Lucille, Malory Archer and Tabitha Wilson from the criminally underrated 90210 reboot.

Actually … make that four, Fran Sinclair is probs the second best character of Dinosaurs, which coincidentally is how I met her.

Annelie and I were working on the hit show – as you know, her young years look inspired Baby Sinclair – and were quickly taken under Jess’ wing. Despite her the acerbic women she plays so well, Jess is such a sweetheart and wanted to make sure Hollywood didn’t destroy us.

While she clearly wasn’t able to keep us out of trouble for long, she always forgave our misdeeds and tried to help us be better. This lead to her getting me a job on Arrested Development writing her put-downs as an outlet for my sass.

Sadly Jess and I haven’t been able to catch-up over the last few years – given our hectic schedules – so it was delightful to be able to spend some time together … and work on convincing her to pitch the long-lost-twin-Duster storyline for season five.

I’m not sure how successful I was with the latter but given how delicious my Jessica Flaulters are, I assume they did the persuading for me.

 

 

Spicy, fresh and dripping in cheese, flautas are quite possibly my favourite form of rolled chilli-tortilla Mexican. Crisp on the outside, moltenous and gooey in the centre, topped with a little bit of my favourite (albeit trashy) lettuce and dickloads of avo? You can’t argue with that.

Enjoy!

 

 

Jessica Flaulters
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
olive oil
500g chicken breasts
salt and pepper
1 onion, diced
2 garlic clove, minced
1 jalapeno, diced
1 teaspoon ground cumin
1/2 teaspoon cayenne pepper
1 cup salsa, Struthers or store bought, I don’t mind
small handful fresh coriander, roughly chopped
1 cup cheddar, grated
1 lime, juiced
12 tortillas
iceberg lettuce, shredded
2 avocados
sour cream
Sriracha

Method
Preheat oven to 180°C.

Place the chicken breasts on a baking sheet, rub with a lug of oil and a good whack of salt and pepper. Bake for about twenty minutes, or until just cooked. Remove from the oven, shred the chicken and allow to rest / cool.

Turn the oven up to 200°C.

Meanwhile, heat another lug of oil in a large pan and sweat the onion and garlic for about five minutes, or until soft and translucent. Add the jalapenos, cumin and cayenne and cook for a further two minutes. Add the chicken and salsa, and stir to combine.

Remove from the heat and stir through the coriander, cheese and lime juice.

Grab the tortillas and place some of the chicken mixture along one end. Roll the tortilla and transfer the roll to a lined baking sheet. Repeat the process until the mixture is gone. Brush each with some oil and bake for about twenty minutes, or until golden and crisp.

Serve immediately topped with some lettuce, mashed avo, sour cream and Sriracha … and devour.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest and Tumblr.

Melissa McPumpkin-Pecanthy Pie

Baking, Dessert, Oy with the turkeys already!

It is without a doubt that my dear friend Mel has had the most stratospheric rise since Gilmore Girls tragically came to an end.

I mean yes Loz had Parenthood, Ed now lives on in our heart, Yanic opened a spin studio, Scott appeared on 90210 (he is definitely her closest competition), Kelly had Bunheads, Keiko guested on Shameless and Liza is getting away with murder, but Mel was nominated for a damn Oscar so it is no competition.

As you can probably guess, I played a huge role in Mel landing the role after Alex had to vacate after the pilot. We had met at one of her cousin Jen’s parties and quickly became friends because we are hilarious, charming and are both future Oscar winners. Obviously only I knew that at the time.

Given Mel has been super busy – so busy she almost missed out on filming the revival … although I’m gutted the scandal wasn’t all an elaborate lie to hide her involvement – we haven’t been able to see each other as often as we would like.

Oh and there was that little fight we had when she wouldn’t let me on the set of Ghostbusters due to “making Chris uncomfortable.”

Thankfully, the holidays cure all and allowed us to heal the wounds, celebrate the revival and more importantly take some time to remember why we are such damn good friends. Obviously all of those things require splitting a delightful Melissa McPecanthy-Pumpkin Pie.

 

melissa-mcpumpkin-pecanthy-pie-1

 

So you know that awkward moment when you buy all the ingredients to make a Pecan Pie only to remember that AJ McLean vowed to disown you if you ever made one for someone more famous than he? Well this little festive gang-bang is sure to act as a perfect loophole.

Plus … the only thing better than a pumpkin or pecan pie, is a pecan-pumpkin pie. Just don’t tell Vandy.

Enjoy!

 

melissa-mcpumpkin-pecanthy-pie-2

 

Melissa McPecanthy-Pumpkin Pie
Serves: 8.

Ingredients
Pastry
125g unsalted butter, cold and diced
225g flour
2 tbsp cocoa powder
pinch of salt
1 ½ tsp icing sugar
1 tsp vanilla extract
60ml cold water
Filling
250g pecans
1 cup pumpkin puree
340g muscovado sugar
generous pinch of salt
1 tsp cinnamon
70g unsalted butter
1 ½ tsp vanilla extract
115ml cream
6 eggs

Method
Combine the flour, cocoa, salt and icing sugar in a bowl before adding the butter and pressing with your fingers until the dough resembles wet dirt – not sand due to the cocoa, obvs. Mix in the vanilla extract and water, bit by bit, until the smooth dough just comes together.

Shape the dough into a disc, wrap in cling and refrigerate for an hour.

Preheat oven to 180°C, spread the pecans over a lined baking sheet and cook for ten minutes while the oven is coming to temperature. Remove and allow to cool.

Combine the puree, sugar, salt, cinnamon, butter and vanilla in a large saucepan over low heat and whisk until combined, butter melted and sugar dissolved. Remove from the heat, whisk in the cream and allow to cool for about ten minutes. Once cool, whisk the eggs through, one at a time, whisking to combine after each addition.

Get the dough out of the fridge and roll-out between two pieces of baking paper until it is 3-5mm. Press the dough into a 26cm pie dish, trim the edges, line with baking paper, fill with baking weights  and blind bake for about fifteen minutes. Remove the weights/paper and bake for a further five minutes. Remove from the oven and rest for about ten minutes.

While the crust is settling, add the pecans to the filling, stir thoroughly and add to the crust. Smooth out the top and bake for about 45 minutes, or until set and browned.

Remove from the oven, allow to cool for about half an hour and devour with ice cream.

 

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Crepe Susan Lucci

Dessert, Snack, Sweets

Say what you want about Susan Lucci – and fuck knows I do – she is one of the brightest, kindest and most generous people I’ve ever been lucky enough to call my friend.

Whether it is taking my acidic barbs like a champ, losing DWTS or more importantly losing the Emmy year, after year, after year, after year, after year, after year, after year, after year, after year, after year, after year, after year, after year, after year, after year, after year, after year, after year – break to win – after year, after year, Suze accepts it all and laughs it off knowing that she is a wonder.

I first met Suze in the 70s when I was hired as a soap-fight consultant on All My Children, the success of which led to me being hired by Az in the 80s when Dynasty started. Despite only working together briefly, Suze and I became fast friends and I was always first on hand after her Emmys losses to provide her with love and comfort in the form of cripplingly aggressive humour.

So Rami & I were getting ready to leave Kit’s house, and I L.A. when I gave Suze a buzz to see if she wanted to catch-up. Chuckling, she agreed – knowing the roast she was about to ensue.

“Suze – I just dropped Rami off after we celebrated his Emmy win. Can you believe winning an Emmy on the first go … let alone a Primetime one?!”

“Sarah Paulson broke her streak – she only took six losses before converting one!”

“You know how you lost the Emmy 20 times? Tatianna Maslany won on her second go for playing twenty characters. I guess she is almost as bad as you, right?”

Obviously I actually got cruel and made off colour jokes, but I’d rather keep our aggressive relationship. It truly is way too special to us.

Either way, it truly was a great opportunity to reconnect and provide my commiserations for the axing of Devious Maids and end of her career. Well, until I launch the soap idea I’ve been playing around with.

Oh and get Little Whorephan Andy: The Andy Dick Story on Broadway – I know she’ll be perfect for the role of Andy’s mother.

Anyway, the sweetness wasn’t just relegated to our bond but my famed Crepe Susan Lucci which – fun fact – were the only thing that could cheer her up after her numerous Emmy losses.

 

crepe-susan-lucci-1

 

Like Suze herself, the crepes are lithe, delicate and humble, and the sauce is hot and full of zest, leaving you happy, content and full of love – can’t wait to see you next Emmys, Suze.

Enjoy!

 

crepe-susan-lucci-2

 

Crepe Susan Lucci
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
100g plain flour
salt
2 eggs, 1 whole, 1 yolk only
300ml milk
1 tbsp unsalted butter, melted plus extra to fry

Sauce
100g caster sugar
35g unsalted butter
150ml orange juice
1 orange, zested
3 tbsp Grand Marnier
2 tbsp brandy
ice-cream, to serve

Method
Place all of the crepe ingredients in a jug and blitz with a stick blender until combined and forms a smooth, thin batter. Cover and allow it to sit for 30 minutes.

Once the batter is nice and rested, heat a small frying pan over medium heat, melt a small dob of butter and pour in enough batter to cover the base. Cook for a minute or so, carefully flip and transfer to a plate. Repeat until the crepes are done.

Meanwhile, in another small frying pan over low heat, melt the sugar with a tablespoon of water. Add the butter, increase the heat and cook for about five minutes, or until it is golden brown. Add the juice, zest, liqueur and brandy and simmer for a couple of minutes, stirring. Remove from heat.

Once it has cooled slightly, dip each crepe into the sauce, fold it in half and in half again – aka quarters. Layer a couple on a plate, top with ice cream and devour.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

All her losses

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

Let’s be honest, there was never going to be anyone I’d rather catch-up with and roast after the Emmys than my dear friend and perennial loser – it is hard to beat a 1 from 21 record – Susan Lucci.

Yes, I know that herses were in the Daytime Categories but if you can’t roast your friends at any opportunity, what is the point of life?

Obviously Suze was free and very keen to hang – she loves a good roast and is angling for me to help her get one on Comedy Central – so I’ll drop in somewhere between In’n’Out and LAX – what do I make that is sweet enough to cut through my acidic barbs?

Picture source: Unknown but it makes me so happy.


As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.

LIVE BLOG: The 68th Primetime Emmy Awards

Emmy Gold, Live Blog, TV Recap

10:56 EDT
Wrapping us up for the year, Jimmy Smits and Dennis Franz arrived – begging the question, why – to present Outstanding Drama Series to Game of Thrones.

Again, no one was shocked … but I’m storming the stage with Kit, the cast and crew.

With that, good night people!

10:52 EDT
We are finally at the pointy end of the show! Can you believe we made it?

As expected, Outstanding Comedy Series went to Veep which now makes me regret betting my life savings on Master of None.

10:44 EDT
When she thanked the cast you assumed she was thanking all of the sestras, assuming they were played by different people, right?

10:43 EDT

Keifer is here – sadly sober and with pants – to present Outstanding Lead Actress in a Drama Series to Tatiana Maslany.

Holy shit this is paying off with my bookie!

And how overdue is this win? She is absolutely amazing in Orphan Black.

10:41 EDT
His joke – how adorable!

And I finally got a good win with my bookie again!

10:40 EDT
With the tears out of the way, we truly get down to business with the hotly contested Outstanding Lead Actor in a Drama Series going to Rami Malek.

Maybe I will get lucky tonight after all?

10:29 EDT
Now we cry irrationally during the In Memoriam section.

I miss you Jacks, Dot, Gaz, Alan Rickman (said in his voice), Yetta, Prince, Gene and Bowie.

10:27 EDT
And now, Taraji is here to give out my personal favourite category tonight, Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Drama Series.

And unlike Amanda, I am not getting lucky tonight with Ben Mendelsohn taking home the Emmy.

Maybe Kit will need some comforting love.

10:21 EDT
Up next Minnie Driver and Michael Weatherly – why – arrived to present Outstanding Supporting Acress in a Drama Series. Again, sadly, to Maggie Smith.

Given it was a non-event, they were also given the job of presenting Outstanding Directing for a Drama Series to Miguel – again – for the inspiration to my next porn parody, Battle of the Bastards.

10:15 EDT
Yawn, the Emmy President everyone.

10:09 EDT
And finally we made it – drama is here and we are on the home stretch.

My other boyfriend Rami Malek has arrived and all is right in the world. Congrats to Hank and character actress Margot Martindale for your victory for Guest Actor and Actress in a Drama Series, respectively.

With that they delivered the Emmy for Outstanding Writing for a Drama Series to Dave and D.B. – I prefer DP, but that is another story for another time – for Battle of the Bastards which coincidentally reminds me of DP as well. Again, not the time.

Either way, Amanda Peet of Amanda Peet’s Coffee and Tea fame is getting lucky tonight.

10:05 EDT
Outstanding Variety Sketch Series went to Key & Peele, screwing me out of more money but winning Amy some cash with my bookie.

Again, no yanked chains.

10:03 EDT
Matt Damon arrived to talk smack with his nemesis Kimmel before Laverne Cox dropped by to give out Outstanding Directing for a Variety Special where won Thomas Kail and Alex Rudzinski, neither of whom I know, won for Grease: Live.

Their wives however did not yank their chains.

9:51 EDT
Fun fact, I should have been presenting Outstanding Variety Talk Series with my love Kit but was needed backstage to doctor Kimmel’s script. Congrats John Oliver, you and your hatred for Tony Abbott fills me with joy.

9:48 EDT
Now on to the Variety Series awards, so head off to the bathroom and I’ll catching you up.

Outstanding Writing for a Variety Special went to Patton Oswalt, shocking everyone. Damn with the subtle emotional ending though.

9:40 EDT
Seriously we are churning through the awards now – Outstanding Limited Series went to The People vs. O.J. Simpson which despite not being a surprise, thankfully has gotten me back in the black with my bookie.

9:38 EDT
Travolta didn’t like the Cochran joke. Thankfully it was time to give out Outstanding Television Movie going to Sherlock which I will never watch, despite becoming tentative friends with Cumberbatch.

9:35 EDT
Thankfully Bry was given enough time to get back to his seat while Ames and Teens made their entrance to hand out Outstanding Lead Actor in a Limited Series or Movie. Sadly Bry couldn’t take home another gong with Courtney B. Vance taking out the hotly contested category and continuing O.J’s winning streak.

Thank god it didn’t go to my frenemy Benedict.

9:26 EDT
Claire and Bryan are here – obviously after gushing about how wonderful I am backstage – to present Outstanding Lead Actress in a Limited Series or Movie to Sarah Paulson, shocking no one.

But kind of breaking my heart for Kirsten Dunst who would have won otherwise.

Sarah gave an amazing speech apologising to Marcia Clark for society being judgemental, patriarchal jerks.

Not me though, obviously – we gays don’t get that privilege. Like marriage in Australia.

9:23 EDT
Terrence Howard has arrived to present Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Limited Series or Movie, though sadly not to Travolta and Schwimmer for their hilarious turns in The People vs. O.J. Simpson but instead the very deserving Sterling K. Brown.

9:15 EDT
The finally free Hiddleston is here to present Outstanding Directing for a Limited Series or Movie, which once again went to … what, not O.J?!

Congrats Susie for your work on The Night Manager.

9:11 EDT
Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Limited Series or Movie once again went to Regina King.

FYI, I was her stylist this year – doesn’t she look beautiful!

Also I am still fucked with my bookie.

9:08 EDT
Now that we’ve burnt through the scum of comedy, we are on to Outstanding Writing for a Limited Series or Movie.

Congratulations to The People vs. O.J. Simpson – finally Marcia Clark’s name is associated with winning.

9:05 EDT
Thankfully Leslie Jones was brought out to bring some excitement to the accounting segment. To trolls, fuck off and leave her alone.

9:00 EDT
Finally some true glory, PB&J given out by the cast of Stranger Things.

8:57 EDT
Hearing my rage, we are over to Best Reality Competition Program where Survivor was once again overlooked.

Congrats on the win for your lesser show Mark.

8:53 EDT
Still with comedy – and what message does this send to comedy stars burning them off at the start,  this is cruel – Outstanding Lead Actor in a Comedy Series.

The Bill Cosby joke, classic and I’m sad to say that was not my idea – did you see Tina’s face?

Again, sadly, there was no surprise with Jeff taking out the Emmy and I blew the cash I had on Aziz. Damn you Jeff.

8:42 EDT
Sticking with comedy Keegan Michael Key arrived to finally give JLD another gong.

Again, she was so far ahead in the odds I actually now owe my bookie even more money.

Oh yeah, she has officially gotten the award now.

Thankfully she apologised for the current political climate that turned her show into a documentary.

Then she broke our hearts with the dedication to her dad – damn JLD, I’m now heartbroken.

8:38 EDT
Randall Park and Constance Wu started with a recap of the Guest Actor and Actress(es) – congrats Amy and Tina – in a Comedy Series, introducing Peter Scolari to present Directing in a Comedy Series.

Did I miss Lead Actress or did they not bother considering it is a given?

Either way, Jill Soloway took home the gold for Outstanding Directing for a Comedy Series again and considering she was a favourite, I’m still stuck in the red. Thanks Jill … but congratulations, I guess.

8:29 EDT
Outstanding Lead Actress in a Comedy Series is after the break, congratulations JLD!

8:28 EDT
Joel McHale and Kristen Bell are instantly here to test my skills with Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series going to Kate McKinnon. Shocking everyone, not least herself.

And I’m back in the red, fuck.

8:25 EDT
Julie Bowen and Matt LeBlanc are next up to test my bank balance with the award for Outstanding Writing for a Comedy Series.

Thankfully my boy Aziz won for Master of None – the best show on television/your computer – won and I’ve now got half of the winner’s right.

This recouped my previous loss.

8:15 EDT
Strong opening from Kimmel – you’re welcome.

Anthony Anderson and Tracee Ellis Ross are here to truly start the party with the award for Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Comedy Series which went to Louie Anderson out of nowhere, sending me into debt with my bookie already.

#JusticeForTituss.

With that, I’m currently 0 from 1. If this blog cuts out, I can be found on a burner phone.

8:08 EDT
Marcia Clark joke? Again mine … but seriously, she isn’t the best of luck charms.

Cutting to Kit during the masturbation joke, mine. Also, what the hell is with my seat filler’s hair.

8:04 EDT
Kicking off with the Bronco chase – my idea, classic.

Modern Family, not my idea.

Carpool Karaoke, my idea … but with me involved.

Veep bit, mine and Tone’s. Game of Thrones bit, mine and Pete’s.

Red carpet
7:55 EDT
Entering the fray late is Laverne Cox, winning the award for best woman dressed like an Emmy.

And with that, I’m heading inside to see whether Kimmel lands my jokes.

7:48 EDT
Dual nominee Sarah Paulson has arrived looking absolutely stunning in a green Prada accompanied by the woman she portrayed to snag her first Emmy, Marcia Clark.

The Schumer sisters have arrived looking beautiful in black Vivienne Westwood fully recovered from the food poisoning I didn’t cause.

My ex-frenemy Claire Danes has arrived, taking Ellie Kemper’s look of dressing like an Emmy. Shockingly she is nominated again, given how terrible her toddler impression was.

7:37 EDT
James Corden is looking good – but let’s be honest, Terrence Howard and Tituss are the only ones I can remember not wearing the standard black tux.

Anthony Anderson is looking good, mixing it up with a black shirt while Rami Malek is rocking the Tituss, looking babin’ and hopefully about to take home his first Emmy.

Otherwise my mortgage is done … but anyway.

7:22 EDT
Terrence Howard has arrived to suffer through Juju. To be honest, Lucious has made me scared of Terrence, so his bravery is doing wonders for his image.

Speaking of nerves, Thomas Middleditch has arrived as a first time nominee for Outstanding Lead Actor in a Comedy with the hair of a child on school photo day.

Sadly he makes it work.

Speaking of kids, Disney’s erstwhile Anna has arrived and is looking every bit the princess.

7:17 EDT
Bry has finally arrived and is well and truly proving his acting prowess, politely tolerating Juju. Obviously he is looking stunning, considering I acted as his stylist.

My dear Tituss Burgess has arrived – fun fact, we both share the talent for downing wine – looking fine, ready to snatch his first Emmy.

Please. PLEASE.

7:06 EDT
Regina King is looking stunning in a red Elizabeth Kennedy gown, Constance Zimmer is dominating in printed Monique Lhuillier – while Juju is pushing for her to produce her next reality show – and Matt LeBlanc is putting me to sleep.

I know we are close friends but Matt, get some energy!

Thankfully Emilia Clarke arrived to wake me up, brush off the casual sexism and stun in nude Versace.

Heidi is here … in one of her better red carpet looks. That is all.

6:52 EDT
Jerry Seinfeld has returned to the Emmys after a 19 year hiatus, sufferer through Juju with effortless charm.

Sophie Turner arrived wearing a Valentino nightie – think a black version of what Coco wore while being eliminated from Drag Race.

Maura Tierney arrived on foot as she was sick of sitting in traffic. That alone is enough for her to win in my eyes. The Christian Siriano is another win for her.

6:40 EDT
Ok – so have me all moved past the shock that Eleven is British and just how cute they are? Cool.

Nominee Keegan-Michael Key is here looking great … but why isn’t Juju telling me what he is wearing? Oh well … I’ll find out when I’m tidying all the clothes on my floor tomorrow.

6:35 EDT
Felicity Huffman and Bill Macy have arrived and continue to be the most adorable dual nominated couple.

STOP EVERYTHING THE CAST OF STRANGER THINGS ARE HERE.

6:27 EDT
My dear Tony Hale is here – sadly with his wife – looking rugged and beautiful in a tux.

FYI, I advised him to rock the beard. If he is around later he could join Kit and I.

Sterling K. Brown is looking great and acting humble – good luck tonight my love, I’ll catch you soon.

Sarah Hyland continues to be the most likeable cast member of Modern Family, winning my heart in Monique Lhuillier before Ariel Winter arrived looking beautiful and charming and making me awkward for sharing my Hyland love.

6:15 EDT
Another of my closest friends Tatiana Maslany – I need to catch-up with her soon – is looking stunning in a beautiful red Alexander Wang gown.

Shockingly none of her sestras showed up to offer her support. Happy birthday for Thursday Tat!

6:10 EDT
My dear friend Ellie Kemper is currently suffering through Ju and while she is following the Field of Dreams mantra – build it and they will come – dressed as an Emmy.

It works and I love her.

6:04 EDT
We are off and running with America Ferrera dropping by to suffer through Juju. Considering she completed a triathlon yesterday, she has suffered enough – free America!

Oh her dress? I’ve already forgotten.

Happy Emmy day everyone!

Hollywood’s lesser night of nights – despite it being the golden age of TV, TV is still scum, right – is finally upon us and a new batch of recipients are about to be awarded the highest honour of the small screen.

As I announced on Friday, I’m once again trying my hand at live blogging – this time with the 68th Primetime Emmy Awards – providing you with the insider gossip from an industry stalwart and close friend of the entire TV industry.

Once again, as well as attending I’m hosting the red carpet specials on E!, Bravo, ABC, Retirement Living, Dish Nation, The CW and Briz 31, acting as Kit’s double when the ceremony starts to drag / later tonight when he wants to celebrate and doctoring Kimmel’ script from the green room.

I will also be continuing my feud with Gugu-B Rancid?

So strap in and keep your mouse close to the refresh button as I take you inside the Emmys!

Image source: The Emmys.

Megan Marshmallys

Dessert, Emmy Gold, Snack, Sweets

We’ve made it – day five of my Emmy Week celebrations is finally here and there is no one I’d rather catch-up with than the dear Megan Mullally.

As you know, Megsy and I have been close friends for close to 30 years since my fluffer days in the 80s, through my role as her Maid of Dishonour and even survived my feud with Debra Messing during Will & Grace, which shut down the set more than 200 times and advising her to be in You, Me and the Apocalypse.

The only thing Megsy loves more than partying with Nick and I, is black market gambling so was hella keen to run the  odds for the remaining categories – we felt that we had well and truly covered off on the Comedy odds.

Oh Master of None will win Best Comedy and Actor, FYI.

In addition, Sarah Poulson will pip K Dunst, Game of Thrones will win drama, Rami Malek will win my heart / Best Actor, Viola will rob Tatiana and My Girl Chlumsky will finally bag herself an Emmy and that is as far as I can remember on account of our boozy ways.

I do remember, however, that my Megan Marshmallys were the perfect sweetener to the sting that she wasn’t attending – thank god I’ve got Kit!

 

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Marshmallows – dry, powdery and sickeningly sweet? Yes. But freshly made, these babies truly sing – delicately melting in your mouth and filling your heart with joy.

Who will take home the gongs? Join me Sunday/Monday – timezone dependent – as I live blog the event while hosting the E! Red carpet, finalise the script for Jim, attend with Kit, Idris and Tom and act as the results auditor.

Enjoy!

 

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Megan Marshmallys
Makes: 48.

Ingredients
⅔ cup icing sugar, sifted, plus extra for dusting
1kg caster sugar
2 tbsp liquid glucose
¼ cup gelatine powder
4 egg whites
1 tbsp vanilla bean paste
⅔ cup cornflour

Method
Full disclosure, these make an absolute shit-tonne … but they are good (and Megsy and I use them, well, let’s just say there is a fetish) and will get eaten. Quickly.

Line a couple of lamington pans/baking trays with baking paper and generously dust each with icing sugar.

Meanwhile combine the caster sugar and glucose with 400ml of water in a saucepan and stir over low heat until the sugar dissolves. Crank up the heat to medium and bring to the boil, cooking for 3-5 minutes or until a sugar thermometer reaches 110-120°C.

While that is cooking, combine the gelatine with 400ml of freshly boiled water and allow to stand for five minutes, or until glossy and clear. Once ready, whisk through the sugar syrup and remove from the heat.

Now get to work on the meringue and beat the eggwhites until stiff peaks. And I mean stiff peaks. I once peaked too soon, in that I didn’t have stiff peaks, resulting in a marshmallow that has meringue on top and a layer of what looked like aspic or lard below.

Anyway, with the mixer still on, gradually – and again, gradual is the key part of this step – add the sugar syrup until all combined. Beat for a further 10 minutes, until the mixture is thick and glossy. Remove from the mixer, fold through the vanilla, spread amongst the pans and chill until firm, an hour or two.

Combine the cornflour and icing sugar in a shallow dish.

Remove the marshmallow from the fridge, cut into squares and roll in the powdery mixture. Stand to dry on a metal rack for an hour or so before devouring.

Store any extra in an airtight container, though storing them scares me. Mainly because I don’t understand not gorging.

 

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Yuzu Aduba Chicken

Emmy Gold, Main, Poultry

Holy snub, batman!

Finally I’m catching up with a past winner who isn’t going for a gong this year, but really, at what cost. How in the world does the queen of chocolate and vanilla swirls, erotica and small buns not score a third consecutive nom/win?

But seriously. Crazy-eyes, no nomination? Crazy.

Despite what would obviously be disappointment, Uzo is such an absolute treasure that she hasn’t taken me up on any offers to send anthrax to the nominees that stole her place and nor does she want me to pull a Kanye dressed as Bob the Drag Queen dressed as Uzo as Crazy-Eyes in Snatch Game.

Honestly though, that is just classic Uzo. She has always had the sweetest heart and is arguably the kindest person I’ve ever met.

We first connected while attending Boston University and quickly grew to be the best of friends. As the only two people to be studying classical singing on the track and field team, that was kind of bound to happen.

After graduation, we packed up and farewelled Boston to try her luck on the big white way. It became abundantly clear that my chequered past was going to stand in the way of her success, so I wished her luck and fled – only finding joy in watching her career flourish in my absence.

Fast forward to 2012 and I started developing a little show for Netflix under the pseudonym Jenji Kohan – Benji/Jenji, I’m surprised no one has twigged before – and I knew there was nobody else that could play the role of Crazy Eyes.

I was reticent to bring up the odds for this year’s nominees but sweet Uzo knows how important gambling is to me – I mean, she hosted six of my nine gambling addiction interventions – so felt it was her duty to assist me. Yes it is questionable given my past, but she is too damn nice and didn’t want to upset me further after I found out her plus one was already taken.

With that, we agreed that Lena would snag Supporting Actress in a Drama Series for her bad-ass ascension to the throne and celebrated Ames and Teens taking out the Guest Actress in a Comedy win.

We also agreed that my Yuzu Aduba Chicken is an absolute must.

 

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There is nothing better than chicken with a bit of citrus up the butt. I know there is a science – well assume but want to sound like I know what I’m talking about, which I won’t if it is actually wrong – behind the citric acid, steam and the chicken cavity that makes it so tender and juicy, but do we care about science? I mean, I’ve slept with Bill Nye but beyond that I’ve got no interest in science.

No matter where you stand on the caring-about-science-spectrum, this chicken is fucking delicious. Add in a cheeky little slaw and it almost makes up for the most egregious snubbings of 2016.

Enjoy!

 

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Yuzu Aduba Chicken
Serves: 4-6.

Ingredients
1 large chicken
1-2 yuzu, size dependent
2 garlic cloves, crushed
2 tsp ginger, grated
25g unsalted butter, melted
2 tbsp light soy sauce
½ tsp sesame oil
1 tbsp peanut oil
½ tsp caster sugar
black sesame seeds, to serve
yuzu/lemon/lime wedges, to serve

Method
Preheat the oven to 200°C.

Place the chicken in a large roasting dish, pierce the yuzu with a skewer and shove square up the butt/cavity. Rub with a bit of peanut oil, season and chuck in the oven for an hour and twenty minutes.

Meanwhile, combine garlic, ginger, butter and half the soy sauce in a bowl. After the chicken has been in the oven for twenty minutes, baste with the marinade and continue every fifteen minutes or so to get crispy, sticky skin. If it starts to get too blackened, cover in foil.

Once the chicken is done, remove from the oven, cover with foil and then a tea towel and rest for fifteen minutes. After it has steamed in its juices, uncover, carve and serve with a light asian salad and a sprinkling of why-they-gotta-be-black-sesame-seeds (spoiler: they taste better) and a wedge of yuzu (or lemon or lime).

 

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Amy MuSchumer

Emmy Gold, Main

Ok – so again, we’re catching up with another current Emmy nominee but I promise, this is the last one. Rightly or wrongly, but I’ll get to that tomorrow.

Amy and I are just way too similar for me to not include her in such an important occasion. I mean, both of us are praised as brave for posing nude (I’d argue that it is the photographer that is brave in my case, but I’ve digressed), have a penchant for smut and swearing and have felt the disappointed gaze of Michael Caine.

Plus she is a killer friend and is sure to take me as her date, right? Well wrong … but all is forgiven as she too agrees that Kit and I should go together.

I first met Ames in the early 00s when we both became involved in a shoplifting scheme, resulting in grand larceny charges. While she was able to plead down the charges thanks to her cousin, I bought my way out of my problems and fled back to Lisa Vanderpump’s mansion.

While we didn’t speak for a few years, we reconnected during her stint on Last Comic Standing. I was heavily involved in rigging reality television programs and was desperately trying to get my hands on NBC’s stable after my dear friend Bethenny/any/eny/annie/infghtsmjfjf lost on Martha Stewart’s Apprentice, so spent a lot of time on set.

The decade that followed will go down as arguably the greatest friendship either has ever had and the best creative partnership known to mankind.

Like Bryan, Ames has a breadth of nominations under her belt so thankfully was able to run a shit tonne of odds with me. Our choices, are as follows:
Outstanding Variety Sketch Series, Key and Peele
Outstanding Lead Actress in a Comedy Series, JLD
Outstanding Writing for a Variety Special, Tig Notaro

Notably – but not surprisingly – she only backed her show when she wasn’t listed as a nominee. I however back her when she isn’t up against JLD (and was right to back Teens and Ames in the Guest category). Adjust your betting accordingly.

After such a lengthy discussion, we were absolutely famished by the time it came to plotting the best way for me to get to Kit that I had to stop everything and whip up a huge batch of my Amy MuSchumer.

 

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Like Ames, the muschumer packs a punch, has a little bite and fills you with absolute joy. Coincidentally those are all aspects of my plan to woo Kit.

Enjoy!

 

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Amy MuSchumer
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
½ cup plain flour
2 tbsp cornflour
¼ cup water
¼ cup milk
6 eggs
2 tbsp butter, melted
1 tbsp chilli flakes
peanut oil
600g pork, cut into strips
¼ cup soy sauce
2 tbsp sake
2 tbsp oyster sauce
thumb of ginger, peeled and minced
1 large carrot, julienned
1 red capsicum, thinly sliced
100g shiitake mushrooms, sliced
6 shallots, sliced on the angle and one whole for the pancakes
2-3 cups shredded wombok
hoisin sauce, to serve

Method
Combine the flour, cornflour, water, milk, 2 of the eggs, half the butter, chilli flakes and rough chopped additional shallot and blitz in a food processor until smooth. Cover and stand while you make the pork.

Heat a lug of peanut oil in a wok/large frying pan over high heat and stir-fry the pork, in two batches, until browned aka about a minute. Transfer to a bowl and stir through the soy, sake, oyster sauce and ginger.

Clean out the wok/frying pan, add another lug of oil and stir-fry the carrot, capsicum and mushrooms for a minute. Add the shallots, wombok and pork and stir-fry for a couple of minutes, the liquid has reduced and the vegetables bright but tender. Remove from heat.

Meanwhile heat another lug of peanut oil in a small frying pan over high heat. When blisteringly hot, add the remaining eggs, lightly beaten, reduce heat to low and stir the eggs over themselves to form a delicate omelette.

Remove from the heat, roughly chop and stir through the pork mixture and keep warm while you fry the pancakes.

Heat a small frying pan over medium heat and brush with the remaining butter. Add about a tablespoon worth of batter to the frying pan, spread it out to form a thin pancake and cook for a minute or two. Flip and cook for a further minute. Transfer to a plate and repeat until the batter is done.

Once the pancakes are sorted, dish up the pork, garnishing with some extra slice shallots, and serve with the pancakes.

I wouldn’t worry too much about presentation as you inhale them pretty quickly!

 

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Bryam Cranston Balls

Emmy Gold, Party Food, Side, Snack, Vegetarian

Ok – so I know it makes running the odds all the more difficult, I couldn’t bare to hold an Emmy Week without seeing my ex-love and six-time victor Bryan Cranston.

Plus he has won for Best Actor in a Drama and Best Drama on top of his nominations for Best Actor in a Limited Series or Movie, Best Limited Series or Movie and – catch your breath – Best Supporting Actor in a Comedy, meaning he can run a shit tonne of odds with me.

Let’s start with Best Supporting Actor, on account of yesterday’s catch-up with Tone, where Bry (like me and honestly Tone) is going for the well-deserved though underdog Tituss Burgess. I mean, the academy really should make up for the fact he lost last year despite the majesty of Pinot Noir.

Anyway, let me take you back to the early 80s. As you know, I was working with my dear friend Erik Estrada on the set of CHiPs when a young Bry arrived to guest during an episode. Using my keen sense of great talent – I discovered Meryl Streep, did you know? – I knew that he was destined for greatness, kinda dumped E and hitched myself to the Cranston Wagon.

We stayed close through his bit parts on Murder She Wrote, Matlock, Baywatch, The Flash, Seinfeld before I finally got him his big break – via my ex-lover – on Malcolm in the Middle and the rest, as they irritatingly say, is history.

While I was never able to get through the shit stretch of Breaking Bad, I’ve always been Bry’s number one fan and know that he will once again take out the Emmy, this time for Actor in a Limited Series or Movie (I mean, the man won a Tony for the play) – obvs I’m putting a cheeky bet on Hiddleston for the sole reason that he finally broke up with Swifty.

Once again, despite our extremely loud and incredibly close relationship, Bry has opted to go to this year’s Emmys with his wife, although was kind enough to point out that Kit and I would make such a cute twincest couple, albeit with me in the role of low-rent Jon Snow. With such a beautiful compliment, I had to repay him so still whipped up a batch of my Bryam Cranston Balls.

 

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You know that like the egreciously snubbed Jane Krakowski’s alter ego Jenna Maroney, I’m a huge fan of balls. Balls, balls, balls, balls.

Balls, balls, balls, balls, balls, balls, balls. If I can form food into a ball, I will.

So yes, these are just a version of arancini, but arancini is the best, so is that a crime? Add in some yam (or you know, sweet potato in a pinch … I was in a pinch), spinach and goat’s cheese and you’ve got a preemptive seventh Emmy party in yo’ mouth!

Enjoy!

 

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Bryam Cranston Balls
Serves: 6.

Ingredients
250g yam (or sweet potato), peeled and cut into 1cm dice
olive oil
3 cups chicken stock
1 onion, finely diced
1 garlic clove, crushed
1 cup arborio rice
½ cup white wine
1 cup baby spinach
100g goat’s cheese, crumbled
2 tbsp sage, finely chopped
1 tbsp dried chilli flakes
½ cup plain flour
2 eggs, lightly whisked
1 cup panko breadcrumbs

Method
Preheat oven to 180°C.

Place the yam on an a baking tray, drizzle with oil and bake for 20 minutes, or until golden and tender.

Bring the stock to a simmer in a saucepan over low heat.

Meanwhile, heat a good lug of oil in a large saucepan over medium heat and saute the onion and garlic for 5 minutes, or until fragrant and soft. Add the rice and cook for a further couple of minutes or until they start to go translucent. Add the wine and cook until it is all absorbed, followed by the stock, half-cup by half-cup until all gone, absorbing between each addition.

Reduce heat to low and cook for about 15 minutes, or until the rice is al dente. Remove from the heat, stir through the baby spinach and allow to cool for an hour.

When it is as frosty as a Daytime Emmy winner at a Primetime Emmy party, stir through the sweet potato, goat’s cheese, sage and chilli.

Line a large baking tray, roll the risotto into 1-2 tablespoon sized balls and place on the tray to rest until the mixture is all gone.

Place the flour in a shallow bowl, the eggs in another and the breadcrumbs in another. One by one, roll each ball in the flour, then the egg, followed by the breadcrumbs. Return to tray and repeat until all done. Place the tray in the fridge to chill for half an hour.

Remove the tray from the fridge, drizzle with oil and bake for 30 minutes, flipping once, or until golden and crisp.

Devour.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr and Google+.