TV Recap

Stephunghi Gonzalizza

Main, Pizza, Snack, Street Food, Survivor, Survivor: Ghost Island, TV Recap

Previously on the 35 prior seasons of Survivor, the Survivor Gods started storing up every bad mistake any contestant made in a mental bank like a psychopath that is awful, but thinks they’re the victim (Janet – I know you hate millennials, so stop asking me about Microsoft Word as if it is my fault it isn’t working). You know them, we all have one. Erik handing over his hidden immunity to Natalie, Jay playing David’s fake idol, James getting booted with two idols in his pocket, Sierra handing off the legacy advantage to the person that blindsided her, the fucking stick and I assume, the entire Ulong tribe.

Anyway, they withdrew them from the bank and shoved them on an exile like island, and now it is up to 20 new castaways to reverse the curse or flame out in equal epic situations. Like the fucking stick.

Arriving on the beach to meet Probst, we were thrilled to discover they weren’t being shoehorned into a random theme and just got to form the Malolo and Naviti tribes. No heroes in sight … well except for zaddy Brendan of Malolo who was selected to represent the tribe for the ambiguous event Jeff teased to them after laying out the theme. On the flipside, young Chris volunteered to represent Naviti before anyone else had a chance to offer. Their task? Well it was thankless, having to select two people to complete an unknown challenge – one physical, one puzzle.

School teacher and owner of my heart Brendan selected baby Michael for the physical aspect and Michaela and Hannah’s baby Laurel for the puzzle, while Chris selected Sebastian – under the sea – for the physical and Desiree for the puzzle. On account of Morgan literally throwing herself out of sight to avoid being selected. The runner was required to, wait for it, run through obstacles to collect keys that the puzzle solver uses to unlock pieces and solve said puzzle. As Probst is want to do, added another twist to the the challenge where the winner would get a shelter building kit and a fishing kit, in addition to their meagre supplies. However if the loser knows their losing, they have a widow of time at which they can forfeit the challenge, get the booby prize of a fishing kit … and hand the winner 20 eggs and a flint in addition to their haul. See, thankless task.

The guys were neck and neck throughout the obstacles – Michael must have had a juicebox – before both falling apart towards the end. Of course Brendan gave his best fatherly, PE teacher pep talk and my basement flooded. Both Des and Laurel seemed to make quick progress on the puzzle, however Chris disagreed … pulling the plug on Naviti and handing Malolo a flame grilled feast to gorge in their dining room. Jeff immediately worked to stir up some drama, identifying all the people on Naviti – well the one – who wouldn’t have given up on the tribe.

Over at the camp of kings, Michael quickly worked his way into my heart which makes me feel all kinds of icky since he is 18.  Though not to his tribe, who he is telling he is 23. The tribe quickly got to work setting up home, where Donathan worked to learn who everyone was and warm my heart with his genuine, sweet nature.

Over at Naviti, Kellyn lived up to my own preseason hype, talking about how she recently made some major changes in her life and was genuinely super thrilled to be around everyone else on her tribe. Likeable Tony Lite Dom them led construction on their shelter, since he legit is in construction, and christened Sebastian Sea Bass on account of his occupation. Sadly that got him off on the wrong foot with old Sea Bass who quickly moved to align with Chris and set their sites on Dom.

The next day we checked in with Jacob who looks like Fozzie Bear and managed to lose his shoes while by the beach. This made him feel even worse, since he and Donathan are clearly not as physically fit as the rest of his tribe. To counter that, he went off hunting for an idol … which gave the rest of his tribe enough time to talk about said idol hunting, and paint a big ol’ target on his back. He then stayed back alone at camp under the guise of getting the fire going while the tribe bonded and looked for food together. Thankfully they weren’t aware that he used said time to pour the rice into his socks to see if there was anything hidden in the container.

Back at Naviti things seemed to be going better, with their shelter coming along well and Wendell building fish traps with bamboo like a total boss. He then shared with us that he studied Law and hopes that people are going to underestimate him. Things were looking up for Dom, as Wendell had taken a shining to him and he and Bradley gave him a heads up about the Chris/Sea Bass alliance.

Jiffy Pop returned to the scene for the first immunity challenge of the season where the tribes would run across a net bridge, collect ropes and use them to wheel a sled of puzzle pieces towards a table before, obvi, solving said puzzle. To up the ante, he informed the tribes that someone from the losing tribe would be going to Ghost Island which is good for them, as it makes them immune from becoming the first boot. Naviti got out to an early lead while poor Brendan tried to coach the kids of Malolo to keep their heads held high. Sadly they were no match for Kellyn, who led her tribe to victory on the puzzle while Michael looked beautiful pushing the pieces in with his crotch.

While Jacob tried to keep morale up after their loss, the Naviti tried decided to punish his positivity and send him to Ghost Island. Though apparently, they fell straight into his trap and he wanted to find out what Ghost Island was and get himself immune. Sadly though, he said that out loud and his entire tribe know that what his game. But to reiterate, he is immune and he needed it. So yay Jacob.

Finally we met Ghost Island where Jacob was welcomed by two giant tiki statues, multiple immunity idols, all of the torch snuffers from seasons past and a row of small urns with the instruction to smash one. Inside he found a clue, telling him to follow a row of flames where he found a game of chance offering him a secret advantage … if he wagers his vote at the next tribal council. He saw three pieces of bamboo on the table in front of him, one of which was locked. He correctly assumed that the key was inside of one of them, and he simply had to pick which one. Which he did, opening it to find the Legacy Advantage from Game Changers that Sierra cursed by telling Sarah it existed, only to be blindsided by the eventual victor moments later. But of course, there was a twist, this one requiring him to hand it off to a person of the other tribe, the person he selected being puzzle-averse Morgan.

Back at Malolo, Gonzalez decided it was a good idea to chastise everyone about their loss and tell them they should have used Donathan’s idea, which she tried to pass off as her own. Thankfully he wasn’t a wallflower, electing to tell James, Stephanie and someone else – it is episode one, give me a break – that he tried to speak up during the challenge and was instead told to shut up by Gonzalez. While Gonzalez tried to rally the troops, the other Stephanie worked hard to turn things on her and protect Donathan … which Michael was concerned about, since they really need to hold on to any strength they had.

Like Ghost Island, tribal council was creepy as hell, looking like the Blair Witch had sex with a tiki god. Probst got to work needling the tribe, leading to Gonzalez talking about Jacob being special … which no one seemed to take issue with. Laurel spoke about the need to stay strong, Jeff asked Donathan how he felt about that given he is so teeny tiny. Thanks Jeff. Obviously Mama Stephanie stepped in to defend he potential new boyfriend ally, saying that strength comes in different forms. Gonzalez then spoke about wanting to be a part of the puzzle section of the challenge, which Brendan alluded would have been super useful to know YESTERDAY.

Jeff then polled the tribe about whether alliances had formed, which everyone started giving answers to before Michael said something that triggered Gonzalez’s paranoia. She then got up and started whispering in Brendan and Michael’s ear to find out who they were voting for. Michael then adorably apologised for interrupting Probst to talk to Jenna and Laurel about what was said, while Donathan sat in the left-right-out position. Thankfully for him as the votes rolled in, Gonzalez’s efforts were in vain and she found herself out of the game unanimously as the first boot.

Make no mistake Stephanie don’t call me Stephanie Gonzalez was not a happy no longer camper to become the first boot. And while I didn’t add salt to her wounds by telling her I was thrilled her exit saved Donathan, it did take an extend period of time to calm her down. But how could you not calm down when a Stephunghi Gonzalizza is in front of you?

 

 

Earthy, sweet and full of flavour, there is nothing better than the simplistic beauty of a mushroom, goat’s cheese and truffle pizza. I mean, name a more iconic throuple. I’ll wait.

Enjoy!

 

 

Stephunghi Gonzalizza
Serves: 1 angry, sassy first boot.

Ingredients
2 bases as per Pizsa Zsa Gabor
olive oil
4 shallots, thinly sliced
5 garlic cloves, minced
500g mushrooms, roughly chopped
1 tbsp fresh thyme leaves, chopped
1 tbsp fresh rosemary leaves, chopped
salt and pepper
100-200g mozzarella, grated
½ cup goat’s cheese, crumbled
1 tbsp white truffle oil

Method
Make the bases as per Zsa Zsa’s recipe.

While they’re proving, heat a lug of oil in a pan and sweat the shallots and garlic for a minute or so before adding the mushrooms and cooking for five minutes, or until softened. Add the thyme, rosemary and a good whack of salt and pepper.

Preheat oven to 180C.

When the bases are good to go, sprinkle mozzarella over the bases, top with mushroom and crumble over the goats cheese. Drizzle over some truffle oil, transfer to the oven and bake for twenty minutes or so, or until golden, crisp and delicious.

Devour immediately.

 

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Sandra Khebab

America's Next Top Model, America's Next Top Model 24, Main, Poultry, Snack, Street Food, TV Recap

Previously on America’s Next Top Model, Rio continued her fall from my graces while taking out her insecurity on others. Then things took a turn for the emotional, with the girls doing a raw beauty shoot and filming an anti-bullying PSA, leading to a seven-way tie for best photo while Erin and Christina landing in the bottom two, with Christina’s attitude helping her straight out the door.

Back at the house everyone but Erin rejoiced in their best photos, and Khrystyana continued to be the absolute sweetest. Sandra, Shanice, Brendi K and Kyla pulled themselves away to discuss the growing buzz killington that is Rio. Kyla and Sandra shared that they had overhead Rio calling Kyla stupid when she didn’t realise she was still in the room. To make her look even worse, Kyla shared that she suffered a traumatic brain injury while playing volleyball at school and now does struggle to understand things that she used to. Even if that wasn’t the case, it is still rude. Jeana interrupted the conversation and then went to fill her ride or die in on the conversation, which Rio felt was nothing more than a cry for attention.

Tyra Mail arrived announcing this week was social media week, leading to a visit from Tyra where she gave them tips to take a mirror selfie or air her grievances about all things selfie, I can’t really tell. She then ran through her slays, ciaos and dils, and showed the girls how it was done before introducing Jourdan Dunn, who stroked her ego and tasked the girls with shooting a selfie promoting Jourdan’s label with the winning girl getting a shoutout to her 2 million followers and win their selected outfit.

Rio was super confident about her performance and opted to use that to call Kyla stupid again, while she struggled. Khrystyana spoke about her social media following taking off after posting most real photos of herself, then gave Erin some selfie advice against her will. Though TBH, and I know I just love Khrystyana, it kind of seemed like Erin was appreciating it at the time. Erin and Kyla struggled, while Sandra and Jeana slayed with the latter scoring the shoutout.

After getting shaded by Rio again, Kyla pulled her aside to clear the air and see why she called her stupid. Kyla wasn’t really buying Rio’s excuses, and Rio didn’t really ever seem to want to show any compassion.

We got another Tyra mail where the girls learned they would be posing with male models with dad bods, which made engaged virgin Sandra nervous about disrespecting her fiance and Rio disgusted about posing with ‘fat-arse dudes’, her words, not mine. When Khrystyana once again spoke about all bodies being beautiful, Rio got passive aggressive and waved at all the girls to let them know she isn’t that insensitive and to relax. Erin sat there and gave her killer side eye, and I loved it.

Rio, fuck off.

At the shoot, the girls learned that not only would they be sharing the frame with men. They would be casting their shoot partners from a bevy of thick (and juicy) men. Well except for Jeana, who won the chance to pose with brawny supermodel Zach Miko. Oh and they would all be dripping in gold paint.

At casting, Erin and Shanice flirted up a storm while Rio was disgusted by all the fat, ugly manses. Of topic, but does she realise she is being filmed … or is she just a fucking moron? Like she thinks Kyla is.

Drew arrived to coach them on the shoot where Erin slayed, Khrystyana was nervous about how the men would treat her after being triggered about her molestation last week, ultimately unable to get out of her head. Nor good Sandra, who was concerned people from her religion would be unhappy about her shooting with the men. Thankfully Rio’s repulsion showed, struggling to manage a decent frame before Kyla slayed the shoot, and asked the question everyone is asking, when does freaking Life Size 2 come out? Brendi K and Shanice were strong, while Jeana and Zach kinda seemed to struggle. But Zach’s insecurity was totally cute, so I’m sure he pulled it out.

At panel, the girls discovered that Law took the week off so the judges would be joined by Jourdan Dunn for the week. Jeana’s attitude started to creep up, though I can’t deny that she slayed the shoot. Brendi K did well, Shanice killed it and Khrystyana’s fear got the better of her, landing her her worst photo of the season. Erin looked flawless, Sandra’s (admittedly bad) photo was read for filth, Rio was owned by the ugly fat bastard disgusting her (again, she is fucked) and Kyla owned the shoot. While I feel like you really don’t need me to run through it, Kyla won best photo, Jeana got silver and Shanice the bronze. Tragically Rio only landed in the bottom three, while poor Khrystyana joined Sandra in the bottom two … and as Sandra knew from the moment they stepped forward, she was eliminated from the competition.

While I absolutely adore Sandra and think she is a complete sweetheart, I do agree with Ty-Ty that she is better suited to beauty campaigns. Obviously I did not tell her that when she ran into my arms backstage. And well, since I’m not actually a model scout … maybe my opinion doesn’t matter. Lols, of course it does. Anyway, Sandra was such a sweetheart and is beautiful in the holistic way that Rio seemingly never will able to be. As such, I whipped her up a delicious Sandra Khebab to honour her beautiful nature.

 

 

These little babies have it all … and then some. Spicy, sweet with a little bit of a kick, these kebabs are the perfect way to provide warming comfort, while still feeling like you haven’t been too naughty. I mean, kebabs are healthy no matter what, right?

Enjoy!

 

 

Sandra Khebab
Serves: 4-6.

Ingredients
1 cup natural yogurt
1 tbsp olive oil
2 tsp smoked paprika
1 tsp cumin
1 tsp ground coriander
¼ tsp cinnamon
1 tbsp chilli flakes
5 garlic cloves, minced
1 lemon, zested and juiced
salt and pepper, to taste
1kg chicken thighs, cut into a large dice
1 large red onion, cut into eighths
1 red capsicum, cut into 1-2cm squares
vegetable oil, for greasing the grill

Method
Combine the yogurt, olive oil, paprika, cumin, coriander, cinnamon, chilli flakes, garlic, and zest and juice with a good whack of salt and pepper.

Chuck a piece of chicken on a metal skewer, followed by the onion, another piece of chicken, the capsicum … and continue until it is filled. Then continue doing skewers until all the meat and veggies are gone. Tightly place the kebabs into a baking dish and pour over the marinade. Cover in cling and place in the fridge for a couple of hours, but preferably overnight to allow the lemon juice to really permeate the meat. Don’t you just love permeating meat?

To cook, preheat the oven to 180C.

Place a wire rack over a lined baking sheet and line the skewers leaving about 1cm between them. Transfer to the oven and bake for about ten minutes before flipping, basting with leftover marinade – from in the baking dish, FYI – and cooking a further ten minutes.

Transfer to a platter and devour greedily as a side, or with some Michael Flatley Bread or Pita Andre Bread and some salad.

 

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Chicktina Big McDonald

America's Next Top Model, America's Next Top Model 24, Burgers, Main, Snack, Street Food, TV Recap

Previously on America’s Next Top Model, Tyra and Co celebrated pride. Well, except for Liberty who was struggling with the culture shock since she is used to the bias against gay people in her community. Christina continued to create drama and Brendi K was overwhelmed by the thought of representing her community. The models posed with Drag Race royalty – Manila, Katya and Valentina – where Khrystyana slayed, and Kyla and Liberty bombed, with Liberty ultimately sent back to her small-minded community. Hopeful to change minds.

The models returned from panel where Erin contemplated slipping Khrystyana a little something to bring her back in line with the other girls. JK, Kimora – Erin is a saint and would never do that. Kyla reflected on the humbling experience of landing in the bottom two before she accidentally bumped into Brendi K, setting off some mild rage before stewing in her sadness. Thankfully Christina was on hand to give some solid advice about Brendi maybe just stopping being poor and not being offended by the judges critiques.

It is hella meaningful, since Christina is so good with human interaction.

Erin, Rio and Jeana took time out by the spa to talk about their lives, their choices and how people view their modelling dreams. Erin then broke down about her ex, who she left while he was dying from cancer … WHICH IS WAY TOO HEAVY FOR A MODELLING SHOW.

Tyra Mail arrived the day announcing that this week, everyone would be getting manicures. Thankfully Tyra arrived to offer some clarity … no, nope, no clarity. She just wanted a manicure and to spill some tea. Once again Christina proved adept with human interaction, sharing that she was trying to open up to the girls and form bonds. Then she shared a sad story about her dad’s heart stopping, being put into an induced coma and the fact he should have died. To reiterate, TOO DAMN HEAVY FOR TOP MODEL. Give me a booty tooch while smizing.

Ty-Ty continued to act as Oprah with Kyla sharing her nerves about being in the bottom, Sandra and Erin spoke about never wanting to be a part of a nude shoot and Khrystyana spoke about being molested. Once again and I know I sound like a broken record, THIS IS WAY TOO HEAVY FOR A MODELLING SHOW. Won’t someone bring Tiffany back to get yelled at? Thankfully for Sandra and Erin, Tyra wasn’t going to make them face their fears instead this week’s raw shoot is actually just make-up free … while being cradled by the hands of the other models.

Christina seemed to be in her head throughout the shoot, Brendi K felt the process was cathartic, Kyla put the judge’s’ advice into action and Khrystyana’s soul was captured by Tyra. While we didn’t really see much, it seemed like literally everyone nailed it.

The next day, the models met Drew and Director X to film videos standing up to bullying with the winning one forming part of a National Crime Prevention Council campaign. The models split into three groups, with Brendi K electing to work with sworn nemesis Christina and Shanice as the referee, while Erin, Rio and Jeana, and Khrystyana, Kyla and Sandra were the less dysfunctional groups. Stacey McKenzie arrived to provide advice to the girls while filming the commercial, with Christina wasting no time to bringing up her experiences being bullied in the house. Obviously without naming names.

We were then treated to a screaming montage while the models filmed their videos, and once again, it was way too emotional to actually throw any shade at. All the videos were powerful, well maybe not Christina, Shanice and Brendi K’s, with Kyla, Sandra and Khrystyana’s ultimately taking out victory.

At panel, Kyla received universal praise, as did Sandra, and Shanice … and Brendi K. Khrystyana shared her experience being molested, and explained it fed her release in the photo which was perfection. Hold up, literally everyone was beautiful and their photos received universal praise. Well except for Erin, whose face was completely covered by her hair and Christina who once again argued with the judges, making Tyra question whether she is in the competition to learn or get attention. For the first time in Top Model history, Brendi K, Jeana, Khrystyana, Kyla, Rio, Sandra and Shanice tied for best photo, really putting salt on the wounds of Erin and Christina who really had it driven home to them, that their photos were balls. Despite arguably having the worst photo – wait no, Tyra said it was definitely worse – Erin was saved, while Christina was eliminated because of her bad attitude and the fact she isn’t willing to learn.


Make no mistake, Christina continued to rail against the judges and her fellow models by the time she met up with me backstage, and despite being a lifelong friend … all I could do to shut her up, was smack a Chicktina Big McDonald into her gob.

 

 

The Chicken Big Mac has been a hallowed thing popping up on Aussie Maccas menus for the last year or so. Essentially, it is our McRib. And this little number is as close as you can get, when they aren’t trying to lure your into stores. Crispy chicken, the tang of mac sauce, pickles, cheese and iceberg? I damn near creamed my shorts just thinking about it.

Enjoy!

 

 

Chicktina Big McDonald
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
500g chicken mince
1 egg
1 cup water
1 cup plain flour
2 tsp salt
1 tsp onion powder
¼ tsp ground black pepper
½ cup mayonnaise
2 tbsp French dressing
1 tbsp sweet gherkin relish
1 onion, finely minced – ½ for the sauce, ½ for the burgers
1 tsp white vinegar
1 tsp sugar
½ tsp smoked paprika
1 tsp garlic powder, plus a pinch for the patties
8 slices American cheese
pickles, thinly sliced
4 sesame seed Kirsten Bunst
iceberg lettuce, chopped

Method
Place the chicken mince in a large bowl and season generously with salt and pepper. Divide into eight patties and place in the fridge to set for at least an hour. While you’re refrigerating things, combine the sauce ingredients and refrigerate until needed.

Beat the egg and stir with the water in a large, shallow bowl and combine the flour, salt, pepper, onion powder and a pinch of garlic powder in a second bowl.

Grab the patties out of the fridge and coat each with the flour mixture, remove and dredge each filet in the egg mixture, before coating in the flour mix again. Place in a freezer bag and freeze for an hour.

Remove and repeat the flour and dredging process again and leave to rest for about ten minutes.

Heat a generous lug of oil in a large frying pan, I mean crazy generous but not enough to technically consider it shallow frying as you know it scares me. Cook the patties for about 5-6 minutes per side, or until light brown and crispy.

Combine the mayo, French dressing, sweet gherkin relish, half the onion, white vinegar, sugar, smoked paprika and garlic powder in a small bowl with a good season, stir and place in the fridge to chill.

To assemble, cut each bun in three and place the base on a plate. Smear generously with special sauce, top with a pinch of the reserved chopped onion, add the lettuce, top with a slice of cheese and a chicken pattie, followed by the middle of the bun. Then smear with more sauce, top with onion, lettuce, a few pickle slices, cheese – because I believe it needs two slices – a chicken pattie and the top of the bun.

Smoosh as thinly as you can and devour, greedily.

 

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Apple Libertea Cake Netuschil

America's Next Top Model, America's Next Top Model 24, Dessert, Snack, Sweets, TV Recap

Previously on America’s Next Top Model, the models made viral videos before turning all deli-like and serving up beauty sandwiches. Yes, beautiful sandwiches aka three heads smooshed together, where Rio shone as her attitude got dark about wicked Sandra being beautiful, Christina’s attitude stayed the same and Coura continued to coast … floating right out of the competition.

On the way home from panel, Shanice and Brendi K threw some shade at Christina, asking whether Coura should have stayed over her … and if being rude to the judges is what she is going for. Allegedly she isn’t rude and, I guess in her defense, she didn’t fight back when Brendi K continued to decimate her verbally, so she can hold it back occasionally.

Back at the house Rio continued to rub me the wrong way, using her best photo to slam the ‘pretty girl’ and vowed not to compare herself to others, while comparing herself to others.

That confusion was interrupted by Tyra-mail where she announced it was Pride Week, filling Kyla with joy at the prospect of doing drag. On the flipside, Liberty was scared since she hasn’t met any game people. Brendi K then came out as bi, yet Shanice still won the scene proclaiming her love of cock. I mean, we have so much in common, how can I not love her?

The models then rolled into WeHo where Erin taught the children some acronyms, Liberty was still not sure what to expect given her town views homosexuality as an ailment and my basement started flooding from some questionably pantied dancers. They rolled into Mickey’s to meet Drew, Law and Stacey for a pop-up runway, doing everything themselves – selecting outfits, hair, makeup … models better work. The winner automatically wins a place in Christian Cowan’s show at NYFW, so it was worth it.

After some more gratuitous nudity, the models took to the runway where Jeana killed and Liberty looked like she doesn’t understand what homosexuality is given how she tried to work the crowd. Brendi K bombed despite it being her community, Rio owned the stage, Khrystyana was serving Katya’s-mother-to-Katya-realness and will be robbed if she loses, Christina did ok, Shanice killed it giving pimp-realness and then Erin slayed while serving her cakes. After poor Brendi K broke down over letting the community down, Jeana, Erin and Khrystyana were praised as the best performers … before the latter rightfully won her place at NYFW.

Tyra-mail arrived announcing a royal photoshoot which got everyone pumped for drag queens, before Liberty fully lost me with her anti-feminist ways. I mean, seriously? Christina decided to try and work through some of her issues with the girls, joining the models in the spa to share some of herself and apologise to Brendi K. She then corrected Brendi K’s misuse of a word – which I was totally doing myself – before the conversation abruptly ended. That night, Erin went into full mum mode, going to Christina and given full-blown I’m not mad, I’m disappointed realness.

The next day, the girls were joined by Manila Luzon, Katya and Valentina, who would be the queens to their princesses. Can they join the competition permanently, please? Rio got paired with Valentina – who let’s be honest, was looking all Princess Disastah – and gave an ok performance … before the queens descended on Liberty. After being threatened to be burnt and rolled down a hill, she tried not to let Katya destroy her … but she was. Khrystyana slayed while working with Katya, who could be her sister. Kyla was way too excited to be paired with Manila, bumbling her way through the shoot. Shanice murdered Valentina, I wish Erin and Manila could adopt me, Jeana also killed Valentina, as did Sandra. Are you sensing a pattern? Manila then worked to stir the pot, with Christina still unable to see that she was the most consistent aspect of each feud. Tragically Christina got Katya, who would have chemistry with a steaming turd, while Brendi struggled to get a shot with Manila.

Brendi K and Kyla were questioning their performances as the models arrived at panel. Christina’s picture channeled her grumpiness in a good way, Shanice dominated Valentina, Khrystyana was gorgeous, Brendi was boring in beige, Jeana was brought down by Valentina, Erin slayed, Sandra was pretty, Liberty was awkward, Rio schooled Valentina in a Mills & Boon-esque shot and Kyla was a hot mess.

At the risk of sounding like a broken record, Khrystyana rightfully snatched the best-photo-crown, before Liberty landed herself in the bottom with Kyla before exiting the competition, I assume, to make America great again. While I appreciate the irony of her getting the boot during Pride Week, Liberty has been nailing the competition so it was a shock to see her going home. Thankfully Apple Libertea Cake Netuschil is hella delicious, so it dulled the pain of any feelings of wrongful bootage.

 

 

Like this quote-unquote all American girl, this tea cake feels as wholesome and delicious as apple pie. Through thankfully the verjuice and cinnamon provides a kick, like a fire crotch that runs into Libs in the street and takes issue to the term fire crotch.

Enjoy!

 

 

Apple Libertea Cake Netuschil
Serves: 6-8 people thinking they’re making America great again because they own a cap that says so.

Ingredients
5 Granny Smith apples, peeled and sliced
⅓ cup Verjuice
¾ cup muscovado sugar
¾ cup unsalted butter, softened
1 tbsp vanilla extract
2 eggs
2 ½ cups flour
1 ½ tbsp baking powder
2 tsp ground cinnamon
¾ cup milk
icing sugar, to serve
ice cream, to serve

Method
Grease a 20cm springform cake pan and preheat the oven to 160°C.

Place the apples and verjuice in a medium saucepan and cook with a pinch of muscovado sugar and cinnamon for about half an hour, or until just soft and smelling deliciously caramelly and spiced. Remove from the heat and allow to cool.

Meanwhile, cream the butter, sugar and vanilla in the bowl of an electric mixer on medium, or until so fluffy it looks to be pulsating. Add the eggs, one at a time, beating well after each addition. Remove from the mixer and fold through the flour, cinnamon and milk until just combined. Cakes and pastry are all about the just, ok?

Spoon half the mix into the greased pan, top with flagrantly caramel apples, and spoon over the remaining batter to enclose. Transfer to the oven and bake for an hour or so, or until golden on top and cooked through. Transfer to a cooling rack to cool.

Serve with a sprinkle of icing sugar and a huge-ass dollop of ice cream. Because, obviously.

 

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Turkey Tom Westyum

Main, Poultry, Soup, Survivor, Survivor: Heroes vs. Villains, Survivor: Palau

So I’m going to start by going a little off topic, which is so on brand for me that I really shouldn’t have had to say anything. Anyway I was already hitting peak excitement for Survivor’s return in less than three weeks, particularly given I got to reconnect with my dear friend Tom Westman today … and then I started listening to Josh Wigler’s First One Out, and now I’m surprised I haven’t had an aneurysm in anticipation.

Anyway … if you love Survivor, listen to it. If not, ignore the above par and continue on.

I’ve known Tom for years, meeting not long after 9-11. I was starting to fetishise all first responders following their bravery during the attacks, and was working my way through the ladder companies to find me a mans. While Tom ultimately wasn’t won over by my charm and sexuality, he did grow to love me and guided me like a big brother.

As is oft the case, he failed at turning me into a decent person but for some reason, never gave up on me. I repaid the favour by getting him cast on Palau … which earned him a mill, so technically I was a good investment. Fun fact: if he had made it farther on Heroes vs. Villains, I would have been his loved one visit.

Like me, he is hella excited for the new season and hopes that the cursed Stephenie LaGrossa doesn’t have to spend the entire time on Ghost Island, and can at least enjoy some tropical delights while sucking the life – literally – out of one of the tribes.

Was it a kind of dark way for our conversation to go? Sure. But when it comes with a side of Turkey Tom Westyum, how can you be mad?

 

 

Spicy, fresh and healthy – for the sole reason that turkey is healthy, duh – this tom yum, is the tom yum to beat all tom yums. Sorry Tom Yum Everett Scott, this is a winner.

Have I mentioned, tom yum? Enjoy!

 

 

Turkey Tom Westyum
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
500g turkey mince
3 garlic cloves, minced
1 lime, zested and juiced
1 tsp ground ginger
handful of fresh coriander leaves, roughly chopped
vegetable oil
1 bunch of shallots, trimmed and sliced
1 tbsp tom yum paste
1L chicken stock
4 kaffir lime leaves
2 birdseye chillies, halved
1 tsp muscovado sugar
1 tbsp fish sauce
salt and pepper

Method
Combine the turkey mince in a bowl with a clove of garlic, lime zest, ginger and a tablespoon of chopped coriander. Form into balls and place on a lined baking sheet in the fridge to semi-set.

Heat a lug of oil in a large deep frying pan and cook the shallots and remaining garlic for a minute or so. Add the tom yum paste and cook for a further minute. Stir in the stock, lime leaves and chilli and bring to the boil. Reduce heat to low, gently place the balls in and simmer for fifteen minutes.

Stir through the sugar, lime juice, fish sauce, remaining coriander leaves and a good whack of salt and pepper. Serve immediately and devour, piping hot.

 

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Curry Fall

America's Next Top Model, America's Next Top Model 24, Main, TV Recap

Previously on America’s Next Top Model, the girls were tasked with a horror themed shoot before Liz up and quit the competition due to all the drama mama, ignoring the fact she was kind of the instigator for 70% of it. The other 30% was being covered by Christina, who continued to rage against everyone for bullying her. In the end, poor Rhiyan followed Liz out the door while Coura was told to go beyond being pretty.

Don’t you love the inclusion of top model here, so we can talk about going beyond pretty and booty tooching?

Back at model manor, Khrystyana continued her reign of adorable giddy over her best photo at the last shoot. She was not alone with being giddy, as the girls rejoiced the silence now that Liz had exited stage left.

The next day Coura was worrying about Tyra’s words at the last panel. Thankfully Ashley interrupted the mope fest – much to Queen Khrystyana’s delight – to talk about the modelling industry opening up to all kinds of unconventional people. This struck a chord with Jeana who proud to rep bald people, Coura who felt masculine and Rio … who really should win the competition if my dear Khrystyana can’t.

Ashley then interrupted the proceedings – which is probs good since Sandra couldn’t relate as she is simply pretty – to introduce Patrick Starr and this week’s challenge. The models were paired up and given unconventional beauty products, and tasked with doing beauty hacks with them. Kyla and Jeana got chicken cutlets, Liberty and Erin got a hard boiled egg, Christina and Rio got tape, Khrystyana, Coura and Brendi K. got a razor and shaving cream, and Shanice and Sandra got condoms.

Rio and Christina taught everyone to contour with tape, Christina sounding like a bored robot in the process. Jeana and Kyla seemed great in the two seconds of their cutlet blender. Sandra and Shanice, sorry San-nasty, were glorious with their condom blender. Liberty and Erin were barely shown with their egg – wait for it – blender, and Coura bombed the shaving facial though Brendi K. and Khyrstyana’s personality probably saved them from being the worst. Coming as no surprise Sandra took out the win, much to Christina’s chagrin. Did you know people in the industry love her?

Surprisingly, this set Rio off who was furious that Sandra is pretty and doesn’t have to try as hard. Thankfully she is a delight, and did that in confessional and cooled down rather than attacking her for something she can’t contr … wait, sorry, shit started to go down at dinner. After toasting her sister’s graduation, she explained how she felt that she should have won the challenge … setting off an all in brawl. Sandra tried to explain that she has been bombing the photoshoots and this is her first time winning before everyone jumped in with their opinions. Thankfully Brendi K. allowed Sandra to eloquently explain her position … not that Rio gave any fucks about what she had to say.

The next day, Drew arrived at the mansion for this week’s photoshoot where they would be forming beauty sandwiches with two other girls. For winning the challenge, Sandra got to form a trio with Ashley Graham and selected Kyla to join her. This in turn pissed off her partner from the previous day, Shanice. Rio, Coura and Jeana were first up, where Coura continued her struggle streak. Khrystyana, Liberty and Brendi K. were next, which my queen once again owned. Christina, Erin and Shanice went next, with Christina spending the entire shoot putting all of her weight on poor Erin. Sandra and Kyla slayed it with Ashley, while Shanice heckled from the sidelines and Rio continued to stew in her rage.

At panel Rio was universally adored, stealing their image while Coura was read for absolute filth and Jeana was simply defeated by Rio. Shanice stood out in her image, while Erin was smooshed to death by Christina. Shanice then called Christina out for being lazy and ruining the picture, which she totally didn’t because she works out, ok? Khrystyana, Brendi K. and Liberty were the best overall picture, though Liberty was called out as boring. Sandra and Kyla were last to take the stage, receiving universal praise for their picture. Rightfully so.

Despite spending the week ranting, Rio managed to take out best photo over Khrystyana and Shanice, while Christina and Coura landed in the bottom two. Given the fact Christina is the only drama remaining, it should come as no surprise that the mellow Coura was cast out of the competition and into my loving arms.

Like Ty, I had such high hopes for Coura so was bitterly disappointed when she decided to follow the reality TV career of Pearl. There were many pleas for Coura to wake-up Pearl, Pearl, wake-up, but tragically it never did. Though I think it would have if someone offered her a Curry Fall.

 

 

Delightfully fragrant, hella spicy and packing a walloping punch, this curry is full of flavour and personality. Which … well, Coura is gone so I won’t say anything. She is sweet though!

Enjoy

 

 

Curry Fall
Serves: 4-6.

Ingredients
2 tbsp olive oil
6 cloves garlic, minced
2 tsp minced ginger
2 onions, finely diced
1kg sirloin steak, diced
5 tomatoes, diced
2 tbsp hot paprika
2 tsp hot curry powder
¼ cup tomato paste
salt and pepper, to taste
1L beef stock
2 chillies, sliced
¼ cup natural yoghurt
coriander, to taste
rice

Method
Heat the oil in a dutch oven over high heat. Once scorching hot, add the garlic, ginger and onions and sweat for five minutes or so. Add the beef and cook for a further couple of minutes. Add the tomatoes, spices, tomato paste and a good whack of salt a pepper, and cook stirring for a minute.

Stir through the stock, bring to a simmer and reduce heat to low. Simmer for half an hour, or until the liquid is starting to thicken. Remove from the heat, stir through the sliced chilli and yoghurt.

Serve immediately on a bed of rice, garnishing with the coriander before devouring, guilt and personality free.

 

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