Biangers Del Rio and Mash

Gravy, Main, RuPaul's Drag Race, RuPaul's Drag Race 9, TV Recap

Previously on RuPaul’s Drag Race, Ru threw the gayest ball ever where the queens battled it out to make the top four with Shea cementing her place as favourite to snatch the crown, taking out her fourth victory while Alexis and Peppermint landed in the bottom two, where Pep continued her run as a lip sync assassin, sending Alexis out of the competition in fifth place.

The queens returned to the werk room, heartbroken for Alexis given how much she wanted to make it to the top three while Sasha took the words right out of my mouth – did we kiss? – by acknowledging it was well and truly her time to go. Peppermint vowed to rock the next challenge as hard as she good, while continuing her campaign for Miss Congeniality by congratulating Shea on her record equally victory.

Despite the fact that her win now seems quite inevitable, Sasha is still feeling confident she can take the crown. As does Trinity.

The next day, the queens returned to the werk room for their final challenge which my girl Michelle arrived to introduce. She tasked them with writing a verse for RuPaul’s ‘Category Is,’ perform the song and dance on the mainstage … and appear on Ru’s podcast, What’s the Tee?

Getting down to work, Sasha wasn’t feeling confident in her ability to rap, Shea and Peppermint seemed to be fairing better while the other queens questioned whether Trinity would be able to make it, given that she can’t sing or dance. Given how frequently she slays, I would not count her out just yet, henny.

Shea joined Todrick to lay down the track and sounded like Isaac Hayes as a chipmunk, for a deep fast-forwarded voice while Peppermint was first to join Ru and Michelle for their podcast, completely slaying with her honesty and charm. Trinity struggled in the recording studio, earning Todrick’s sass though I (maybe deludedly so) feel it was more the edit, rather than her actual performance.

Sasha dropped by Ru and Michelle to spill the tee, where she too did a really good job sharing her relationship with her parents, before Michelle and Ru brought out the squatty potty which honestly is the true star of their podcast. And that is no shade to them, it truly sounds amazing.

Peppermint joined Todrick in the studio, where struggled at the start before completely slaying … though given it is what she does, that was kind of expected. Over with What’s the Tee? Shea joined Michaelle and Ru, opening up about her childhood and speaking in tongues, which is far more charming than it sounds.

Todrick wasn’t loving Sasha’s performance in the studio before she clapped back at him and told him that she is a different kind of drag queen, though after taking his advice she slayed the recording. Trinity then rounded out the podcast segment and opened up about her relationship with the grandmother who raised her, and it was heartbreaking. I mean, give Ru another damn Emmy already.

The next day, the queens joined Todrick on the mainstage to learn the choreography where Peppermint and Shea completely slayed, while Sasha and Trinity struggled to get it down. While Todrick wasn’t feeling confident in Trinity’s ability to learn the moves, her determination alone makes me feel quite confident that she’ll make it through to the finale.

Despite how it looked earlier in the episode, all of the queens completely slayed the performance. Completely, plus three. On the runway, all of the queens looked fantastic. They all spoke beautifully telling their younger yourself why it gets better and to love themselves.

I’m not crying, YOU’RE CRYING.

After they all received universal praise from the judges, they were asked why they and not their competitors deserved to win. Peppermint and Sasha remained on brand and didn’t throw shade at the other queens and focused on their unique perspectives. Shea lied and said she struggled more than anyone, despite only landing in the bottom once while Trinity was proud of herself and felt that she deserved the win.

While the girls untucked, the judges continued their universal praise. The queens then assembled for the final lip sync, where again, they all slayed … meaning Ru really had no other choice than to mix-up the rules and have a top four this season.

I was completely shook while watching and turned to my dear friend Bianca Del Rio – who I was watching the episode with – and asked why they couldn’t pull this for Chi Chi last season, or Detox in season 5? While she agreed, she gave me hella sass about it, which is obviously on brand.

Bincs and I have long been friends, having met while co-starring in the first regional production of Rent in New Orleans. We quickly bonded over our passion for hiding our kindness behind a snarky exterior, though neither of us noticed that in the other since we were talking so much smack. That is until I whipped up a big old plate of my Biangers Del Rio and Mash.

While we are always hurling acerbic remarks at one another, we can always agree in the majesty of a big, fat sausage. Add some Gabriel Mash and some onion gravy and I’ll sing – the theme to the hit cartoon Bangers & Mash – like I’ve just seen the other sausage.

Enjoy!

Biangers Del Rio and Mash
Serves: 4-6.

Ingredients
1kg thick pork sausages
olive oil
2 onions, thinly sliced
1 tbsp butter
1 tbsp flour
1 cup beef stock
salt and pepper, to taste
Gabriel Mash

Method
Heat a lug of oil in a large saucepan over medium heat. Add the onions to the saucepan and sweat for about ten minutes. Add the butter and stir until melted before adding the flour and cooking for a minute or so. Slowly pour in the stock while stirring until combined, bring to the boil, reduce heat to low, season and simmer while you do the rest.

Start making your mash now.

While those are going, add a third burner to the mix and bring a frying pan to heat. Once scorching, reduce heat to low and cook the sausages for about ten minutes, flipping every couple of minutes so that all the sides are browned. Once down, turn off the pan but leave it over the heat to rest and finish the cooking – I get super paranoid with a thick sausage.

Once the mash is done and the gravy has thickened, serve the sausages on top of the mash before drowning with gravy before devouring.

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Alexis Gozlemichelle

Baking, Bread, RuPaul's Drag Race, RuPaul's Drag Race 9, Side, Snack, TV Recap

Previously on RuPaul’s Drag Race, the queens made over the crew where Nina decided the top six was the perfect time to learning to sew … then decided against it, Alexis continued to be basic, Peppermint was saved by her killer new drag sister, Shea went for a Beyonce/Solange sorta vibe, Sasha had more fun than we’ve ever seen and Trinity made sure her little drag sister had a tuck as tight as hers … and wasn’t afraid to get aggressive about it. Ultimately Nina and Shea landed in the bottom two where Nina put in fractionally more effort than Valentina and Charlie – but only just – before sashaying away from the competition.

Back in the werk room, the queens were feeling relieved to no longer have to deal with Nina’s negative attitude. Alexis then lead the queens in congratulating Trinity on her third win of the season, before they focused on the fact that Alexis continues to be read for filth by Michelle. Trinity then continued to endear herself to me, revelling in Shea finally landing in the bottom two. I mean, I love Shea … but Trinity is hilarious.

The next day, the queens returned to the werk room where we didn’t get any preamble on account of a bug attacking Trinity in her confessional. After the sitch was dealt with, Ru arrived for the mini-challenge requiring the queens to drag up a puppet of their rivals and read them for filth.

Shea’s Peppermint enjoyed some screamed laughter and hitting her human, Sasha’s Trinity was hilarious, wearing a landing strip of foil and talking about plastic and reading Nina Bo’nina Brown-Anne Kennerley, Trinity’s Shea mocked her make-up ability and love of Chicago. Surprisingly, Alexis’ Sasha was actually pretty funny despite not getting any laughs, on the other hand Peppermint’s Alexis was hilarious and got a lot of laughs.

Despite this, Sasha took out the mini-challenge before Ru announced this week’s mainstage challenge – the Gayest Ball Ever. Each queen is required to pull off three looks – Rainbow-She-Betta-Do, Sexy Unicorn – which Nina would have nailed – and Village People Eleganza Extravaganza.

Ru gave the queens the chance to decide which village person they would each play, which sadly backfired as there was no fighting and everyone was diplomatic. Peppermint took the leather biker look, Trinity the cop, Alexis the native American – which could go super badly – Sasha the cowboy and Shea the construction worker. Everyone seemed to be concerned about how Peppermint would perform, Trinity promised to shit glitter and Shea pointed out that Alexis isn’t doing anything individual and is similar to a lot of queens out there.

Mama Ru returned to check in on the queens where Sasha was feeling confident though was concerned about being too intellectual, while Alexis seemed to have a passion for turquoise and was hurt that she is constantly called out for being basic and Shea was feeling inspired to pull out a Vivienne Westwood inspired construction worker outfit. On his way out the door, Ru added that in addition to their three looks, the queens would need to perform a rhythmic gymnastics routine which could be horrific … or amazing.

On the runway for rehearsal, Alexis gave sideboob and it was strangely erotic. Trinity was taken out by a rhythm stick (not mine), Peppermint was scared and Alexis wasn’t feeling heard by Shea and Sasha despite Sasha being in charge of the performance after winning the mini-challenge.

Back in the work room, Alexis threw out pedestrian about Sasha’s look before Trinity threw shade at Shea’s Village People look. Things then started to get tense with Alexis saying that Sasha was insecure about her superior dance ability and only listened to Shea, before Sasha refuted that Shea was actually pissing her off in rehearsal too, giving us some more good old fashioned shade as we headed to the mainstage.

Despite the shitshow that was rehearsal, the rhythmic gymnastics was pretty hilarious – I agree with Ru, they are doping. Shea, Sasha and Trinity all looked amazing in the Rainbow-She-Betta-Do runway – despite Shea not having any colours of the rainbow flag – while Alexis was again, truly basic. And Peppermint was either amazing or awful, I can’t even tell. Sasha owned the sexy unicorn look, while everyone else looked a little too literal and dare I say it, boring. On the flipside, Trinity owned the Village People look and the rest felt underwhelming, despite the obvious workmanship of Shea and Sasha’s looks.

Michelle called out Shea’s rainbow outfit but loved the rest, guest judge Andie MacDowell bought everything Sasha was selling, all the judges felt Alexis was underwhelming, Michelle felt Trinity’s rainbow look was lazy while Carson loved her Village People and Peppermint

The queens were asked to nominate who should go home, with Shea and Sasha nominating Alexis and earning her wrath for not warning her about her basic looks again. Alexis and Trinity nominated Peppermint, while Peppermint went the competition route and nominated Trinity.

Poor Sasha missed out on taking out her third victory due to being too high-fashion instead of gag-worthy, handing Shea her fourth win of the season – and pretty much guaranteed herself the win, right. That left Alexis in the bottom two for being basic again, despite her contrary thoughts on the topic. Trinity’s saved herself with the Village People look, sending Peppermint to lip sync to macho man with Alexis.

Alexis tried to pull out the stops by adding a moustache but simply couldn’t compete with Peppermint’s energy, hilarious energy and epic Kris Jenner styled wig reveal. Seriously, Peppermint is the lip sync queen of the season … which obviously resulted in poor Alexis Michelle sashaying away.

While Alexis was heartbroken to be eliminated she was kind of expecting it, given the quality of the competition. Obviously she flew into a rage when we caught up, blaming the other queens for not telling her the outfits would be read by Michelle. I in turn got caught up in the rage and inevitably fans the flames. Thankfully my Alexis Gozlemichelle is so delicious that we were just as quickly calmed by the food.

The gozleme being calming is quite ironic – or is it, I don’t ask Alanis – given that it is chock full of chilli … but there is nothing better than a warm, fresh, toasty bread. Plus … there is cheese and cheese is always the answer to any of life’s problems.

Enjoy!

Alexis Gozlemichelle
Serves: 6-8.

Ingredients
7g dried yeast
pinch of salt
1 tsp caster sugar
3 cups plain flour
2 tbsp olive oil
handful of baby spinach
200g danish feta, crumbled
2 tsp chilli flakes
lemon wedges, to serve

Method
Place the yeast in a jug filled with 300ml warm water, salt and sugar. Stir quickly and stand in a warm place for five-ten minutes, or until it is foamy and ripe.

Sift the flour into the bowl of a stand mixer, add the yeast mixture and oil and knead using an electric mixer fitted with the dough hook on medium for about five minutes, or until soft and springy to touch. Transfer to a lightly greased bowl and prove in a warm place for an hour, or until doubled in size.

Punch the dough back and split into quarters, rolling each out into a 30x40cm rectangle. Cover half of each with some spinach, feta and a good sprinkle of chilli before enclosing the dough, pushing the edges together to seal.

Heat a frying pan over medium heat and cook each gozleme for a couple of minutes each side, or until golden and crisp. Transfer to a plate and repeat until all the bread is done.

Cut the bread into triangles and serve with lemon wedges … before devouring.

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Nina Panini Brown

Main, RuPaul's Drag Race, RuPaul's Drag Race 9, Snack, TV Recap

Previously on RuPaul’s Drag Race, the queens were tasked with creating comedy pilots where Shea and Sasha dominated, Alexis blamed her poor performance on writing the script … and Valentina and Nina were terrible. Valentina then decided it was a good idea to lip sync with a mask on to avoid learning the lyrics, which backfired completely with them having to start over and her missing 90% of the lyrics, leading her to sashay away.

The queens returned to the werk room in complete and utter shock that the judges favourite – the beautiful, that looks like Linda Evangelista – Valentina was eliminated. Needless to say, her message was heartbreaking. After cleaning the mirror, Nina wasn’t feeling good about the loss, blaming Valentina’s exit on being in a team with her. She then continued to sulk after killing the lip sync, pissing of Peppermint, Trinity and Sasha – who am I kidding, it pissed off everyone – who were sick of it and just wanted to focus on the competition.

The next day Ru dropped in to announce this year’s makeover challenge, where the queens had to turn members of the crew into glamorous members of their drag family. As the winners of last week’s challenge, Shea and Sasha were tasked with pairing the queens with the crew members … and sadly did a really fair job, giving each queen someone that seemed similar to them. In the words of Black Eyed Peas, where is the shade?

Nina got paired with a visual artist, which seemed like a match made in heaven for her. Sadly though she doesn’t sew and was planning to make their outfits … which could be amazing, or an absolute disaster. Despite picking the crew member with the strongest family resemblance to her, Shea’s soon-to-be drag sister was not on the same page wanting to be Natalie Portman in Shea’s world of Naomi Campbell. In the words of Scooby-Doo, ru-oh!

On the plus side, all the other queens found it hilarious.

My new favourite Trinity was all about taking charge, getting straight down to business with Rizzo saying that they will be wearing a swimsuit and that if Rizzo doesn’t tuck it in, Trinity will be pulling it back for him. Given that Rizzo is a babe, I’m hoping that scene is included in Untucked.

Ru returned to check in with the queens, where Alexis and her crew member were getting along like a house on fire with Brady adopting the sass and really excited to werk, girl. Sasha and the very serious Duncan were also getting along really well, with Duncan excited to make his kids proud. They also bonded about over intellectualising things – dream!

Seriously, Shea and Sasha did a great job pairing up the queens – well, except for poor Shea – as Sarge and Peppermint were also getting on like a house on fire and have the same happy, sassy sensibilities. I mean, I wanted to be shady about one of the pairings but the crew is too delightful. I mean seriously, Sarge for season 10!

On his way out, Ru dropped the bomb that in addition to the runway each pair would be lip syncing to his song Click Clack which you just know Sarge is going to slay and win a lifetime supply of Anastasia Beverly Hills, or something.

As expected Nina was struggling with making the outfits and to even get the machine threaded, needing Shea to show her how to work the machine and hopefully save her ass. Duncan was having a great effect on Sasha, making her feel relaxed and allowing her to get out of her own head.

Realising that the sewing was not going to work out for her, Nina nixxed making the outfits and started to scrounge through her closet for something for crew member (whose name I keep missing). Meanwhile Rizzo opened up to Trinity about why he volunteered to be a part of the challenge, not agreeing with the way that society defines and divides gender.

The queens and crew returned the next day for challenge where Nina’s crew-member gave her a pep talk, telling her to be proud of her achievements and to stop doubting herself. Nina then opened up about depression, connecting with her partner who also had struggles with depression and addiction.

Trinity and Rizzo then got to work on the tuck, which sounded like some fifty shades of tucking were going on behind the screen. I was terrified, confused and most importantly, a little too aroused.

We finally arrived at the mainstage – where Ru’s dress was amazing, completely covered in the her phrases … in Japanese. Trinity and Rizzo, and Sasha and Duncan owned the runway … and the lip sync performances, which were all pretty amazing.

As it should have been, the judges absolutely lived for Trinity and Sasha’s sisterhoods, while Sarge and Peppermint were praised for their hilarity, despite the ugly outfits. Thankfully Sarge is down for next season. At the other end of the spectrum, Nina, Shea and Alexis were read for not knocking it out of the park.

Thanks to Sarge, Peppermint scraped through before Trinity took out her third challenge win. Coming as a surprise to nobody, Sasha was declared safe before Nina was sent to the bottom two with Shea. Given how she has completely dominated the season, Shea was also able to dominate the lip sync … which wasn’t difficult given Nina was completely defeated before it had even begun, taking her inspiration from the lip sync style of Charlie Hides.

While she was disappointed to sashay away, I could tell that Nina was also relieved to be eliminated from the competition and able to get out of her head. Given that I’ve known her for such a long time – being a regular of any and all scenes in Atlanta – I knew that after one of my more aggressive, Tyra-esque pep-talks, I’d get through to her. Plus, my Nina Panini Brown is so delicious that I bribed her into cheering up before letting her eat.

Smokey, fresh and a little bit zingy, this is the perfect sambo to defeat your inner saboteur … or epic hunger. But mainly, the inner saboteur thing.

Enjoy!

Nina Panini Brown
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
500g flank steak
2 tbsp tamari
1 tbsp cumin
1 tbsp chilli powder
pinch of nutmeg
2 cloves of garlic, crushed
1 lime, juiced
1 cup passata
4 turkish rolls
1 avocado, sliced
1 red onion, sliced
baby spinach
enough sliced vintage cheddar for 4 panini

Method
Combine the tamari, cumin, chilli, nutmeg, garlic and lime in a bowl, toss through the steak and marinate for an hour or so.

Heat a skillet over high heat, reducing to low once the pan is scorching. Brush the pan with some oil before adding the steak, and cooking for a couple of minutes each side, flipping once. Remove from the pan to rest for ten minutes, before thinly slicing. Add the marinade and passata to the skillet and bring to a simmer before tossing through the meat. Remove from the heat.

Split your buns – my favourite pastime – smear the insides with your creamy, sliced avocado, top with some sliced onion and baby spinach, a generous helping of the wet meat and a layer of cheese.

Toast in a sandwich/panini press for five minutes before devouring immediately.

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Chicken Ballentina

Main, Poultry, RuPaul's Drag Race, RuPaul's Drag Race 9, TV Recap

Previously on RuPaul’s Drag Race, the queens were tasked with roasting the baddest bitch in town, Michelle Visage where Sasha, Shea and Peppermint slayed … while Alexis and Farrah completely bombed. Alexis narrowly survived throwing shade at Tamar Braxton before murdering poor Farrah in the lip sync and forcing her to sashay away.

We ru-turned to the werk room where Sasha gave her best Farrah impersonation, whining about the lack of whining. Alexis was feeling a little down after landing in the bottom two, but not as down as I was expecting. Thankfully Trinity came through with the entertainment, once again questioning why the hell she was green before being checked for stripping off for the cameras.

Peppermint noticed that Nina was feeling down appeared to be withdrawing from the group so went to give her a pep-talk. Sadly that is quite the uphill battle though, as Nina continued to say that the other queens were coming for her and talking about her behind her back. Girl loves that inner saboteur of hers/

Trinity, bless, then reminded us that the filler queens were starting to go … NEXT.

The next day Valentina continued to be charming and told us she was ready to take victory before Trinity started rubbing heads for luck, potentially catching lice in the process. Before I had the chance to Webmd the possibility of bald people catching-lice, Ru arrived to announce this week’s challenge – to create, write and star in their own T.V. pilot.

Wanting to add a bit of shade to the proceedings, Ru let the queens chose their own teams. Obviously Shea and Sasha immediately pounced on each other, earning the irritation of Alexis … who then reached out to Peppermint who was desperately trying to run for Shea and Sasha. Being kind, she stuck with Alexis and Trinity, leaving Valentina and Nina as the remaining team by default.

Shea and Sasha started talking about cops and Russians. Trinity, Alexis and Peppermint got to work on a pilot about two mothers whose sons had recently come out … and there is a nun involved. I’m a little bit confused but Peppermint sold the voiceover, which obviously meant Alexis wanted that part. Valentina and Nina weren’t feeling confident, as Valentina spoke in circles before coming up with an office idea … that Nina turned into a Maury style show.

While prepping for filming, Shea spoke to Sasha about her currently tense relationship with Nina.

Peppermint, Alexis and Trinity arrived for the filming of Mary: Mother of Gay. They started with the voiceover where Alexis cut in to ensure Peppermint was doing the right thing. She then continued her downward spiral, struggling with her accent and under-playing the madness of her character. Thankfully Trinity was in the team to carry them with her crazed, dim-witted nun.

Is it obvious that Trinity has really grown on me?

Next up were Shea and Sasha with Teet’s & Asky where they got off to slow start before warming up to piping hot, finishing with some exploratory ass-grabbing. I’ll be back in two minutes …

Rounding out pilot season, Valentina and Nina arrived to film Nina & Tina with an incomplete script, which you know pissed off Michelle. Despite being completely awful, they did include the ginger member of the pit crew as an underwear prison guard, so that is something. I’ll be back in three minutes …

Like me, they appear to have gotten there in the end.

The next day the queens got to work prepare for the club kid realness runway, which you just know Sasha is going to slay. Trinity on the other end of the spectrum has never attempted club kid drag but bless, was excited despite the terror.

Sasha, Peppermint and Shea worked together to give us a brief history of club kids before Shea literally started to hot-glue her face on. Alexis and Valentina noted that Nina was feeling better … to which she menacingly wondered how long it would last. Nina, don’t make me Tyra you!

Lisa Robertson and Noah Galvin joined the judges for the mainstage which feels like an odd combination. Despite hot-glueing her face, it was more than worth it as Shea owned the runway … as did Sasha, Trinity, Peppermint and Valentina, despite the fact I feel the latter has worn the same amount before.

We then got a peek at the pilots where Sasha and Shea‘s was the clear standout, as was Trinity’s performance as the nun who teaches people to get on their knees and down a foot-long sub. At the other end of the spectrum was Nina and Valentina’s pilot, which was just … ugh. I can’t even, it was awful and didn’t deserve Carson’s pity applause.

Shea and Sasha shared victory for the second time, leaving the rest of the queens up for elimination. Trinity and Peppermint were praised for their looks and performance, Alexis’ outfit and performance were both read as boring, before trying to throw Peppermint and Trinity under the bus. Thankfully Peppermint and Trinity weren’t having a bar of it and called her out. Despite decent looks on the runway, it was pretty obvious that both Valentina and Nina were landing in the bottom two.

The lip sync got under way, with Valentina making the decision to leave her face mask on … for a lip sync. Michelle was pissed, Ru was pissed … even Noah fucking Galvin was pissed. Ru stopped the performance midway through and asked Valentina to take the mask off, which she politely refused. Ru in turn explained that it wasn’t actually optional, leading to Valentina syncing with 2 percent of the lyrics while Nina mopped the floor with her.

As surprising as it was to see her go after such a strong start, that performance left Ru with no choice. When we got together backstage, I honestly don’t know who was more disappointed, Val or me. She was going so well and was such a sweetie … but then gave the worst lip syncing performance of all time and looking like Linda Evangelista couldn’t overcome that.

We sat in silence and held each, shell shocked and broken after realising there are three-four years before she gets another chance on All Stars 3. It was a sad, sobering thought that we thankfully could move past after downing a delicious Chicken Ballentina.

Rich, sweet, full of heart(iness) and completely delightful, this is everything that Valentina is … and then a little bit more. I advise not wearing a mask whilst trying to eat this, it is food.

Enjoy!

Chicken Ballentina
Serves: 2.

Ingredients
olive oil
1 onion, diced
2 cloves of garlic, crushed
a handful of baby spinach leaves, roughly chopped
½ cup pitted kalamata olives, diced
¼ cup sundried tomatoes, roughly chopped
100g danish feta, crumbled
2 chicken breasts
6-8 slices of prosciutto
lemon, cut into wedges

Method
Preheat oven to 180°C.

Start by preparing the stuffing – like you should prepare for a lip sync – by heating a lug of olive oil in a pan over medium heat. Add the onion and garlic and sweat for roughly five minutes. Add the spinach and stir for a minute or so, before adding the olives, sundried tomatoes, feta and a good whack of salt and pepper, and removing from the heat to cool slightly.

Get to work on the chicken, by flattening the breasts out until they are an even 1cm – the back of a frying pan works well and is great for anger management … but anyway.

Place a large dollop of the filling in the centre of each breast and wrap them over on themselves. Take a piece of prosciutto and wrap it around to seal the chicken, adding prosciutto until it is completely enclosed. Place it on a lined baking sheet, join side down and back for 20-30 minutes, or until cooked through and the prosciutto is crispy.

Serve with mashed potato or salad and with a wedge of lemon to cut through the salty pork product.

Oh, and don’t forget to devour.

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Farrahed Moan Chicken

Main, RuPaul's Drag Race, RuPaul's Drag Race 9, Snack, TV Recap

Previously on RuPaul’s Drag Race, the queens starred in hit teen sitcom 9021-ho where Aja tantrumed out of playing the hit role of Grandrea Zuckerwoman allowing Shea to slay. Though not as much as Trinity, whose demented version of Kelly’s mother snatched her the victory. On the flipside, Nina and Aja landed in the bottom two with the latter going home to regret rage blackouting her way into a different role.

Back in the werk room, Sasha was missing her fellow Brooklyn queen while Alexis was thrilled to be thinning out the room to make way for her ego. The queens then got together to run stats where Shea and Trinity relished the fact they were on top … at the moment. That in turn made Peppermint desperate for a win.

The girls then rubbed salt in Peppermint and fellow non-victor Farrah’s wounds, to which Farrah surprisingly didn’t whine.

The next day, Ru arrived to oversee a reading mini-challenge where Sasha, Peppermint, Shea and Valentina shined while Alexis was kinda just mean … but then got a taste of her own medicine, getting fat-shamed by Farrah.

Valentina took out the mini-challenge, giving her the power to assign the performance order in a legendary RuPaul Roast of – wait for it – Michelle ma’ fuckin’ Visage. To be honest, this is tougher than roasting Ru becoming she will not forgive no low-rent jokes about her.

Alexis offered to go first or last – aka the star positions – before Valentina decided Shea would open the show, followed by Sasha, herself, Trinity, Farrah, Peppermint, Nina and as requested, Alexis. Still salty about the reading challenge, she then gave the advice not to pick on people’s wait and spoke about how hurt she was.

While most of the queens couldn’t care less and were concerned about her not being able to take it far enough, the sweet kids Valentina and Farrah comforted her and apologised, respectively.

The queens struggled to try and come up with material, knowing that Michelle can and will hold a grudge if they don’t take it far enough. Clearly sensing their struggle, Ru returned with Ross to help punch up the jokes.

Ru approached Alexis to see how she was going, before flipping it around and telling her to suck it up. She then spoke about her confidence for this challenge, given the fact she is a comedy queen and will be closing the show.

What do they say about pride and falls?

Farrah was concerned about being mean, Peppermint was scared shitless given that she isn’t a comedy queen – which Snatch Game proved – though she appears starved for a win and Sasha talked about struggling with her concerns that she isn’t funny.

Not wanting to give us too much of a tease, we fast-forwarded to the next day as the queens were getting ready for the roast. Farrah and Alexis apologised for yesterday’s reading before both sticking the knife back in and twisting it.

Peppermint shared a horror story about being detained at Moscow airport because the gender on her passport didn’t match how she was presenting. Sasha having lived there for a couple of years understood the trauma, having to disguise who she was to survive.

Ru then arrived to deliver the news to Michelle that she would be the target of this week’s roast, leading – obviously – to a patented Michelle cackle. Shea got out to a strong and brutal start, Sasha read all the judges for filth before taking Michelle to church. Valentina started out slow, warmed up, then struggled again … but finished on a strong joke.

Despite a stellar turn last week, Trinity bombed … before Farrah took us to a new low, offending and annoying the entire panel. To make it worse, she made a joke about Michelle’s breath stinking up the room – I mean sure, Peppermint was next and you could perceive it to be a joke – when we all knew it was her performance.

Thankfully Peppermint brought back the laughter and the house down at the same time. Nina arrived with one of the more bizarre framing devices, which thanking worked and served her well. Rounding out the show, Alexis – the red hot favourite in her own mind – choked. Badly. While dressed as She-Hulk.

Shea, Sasha and Peppermint were rightfully applauded by the judges, while on the flipside Trinity was called out for terrible framing device … before winning them over with actual jokes. Farrah and Alexis, well, they got what they deserved, being read for more filth than a truckstop bathroom.

Peppermint finally took out a – much deserved – victory, while the bottom two were, obviously, Farrah and Alexis. Despite being the biggest disappointment of the maxi challenge, Alexis owned the lip sync – that sliding split! – putting Farrah out of her misery, as she sashayed away.

Obviously Farrah was well-primed for a moan when she made it back to the werkroom but given that me, her oldest friend – I was her kindergarten teacher five years ago – was there to cheer her up definitely helped. As did my Farrahed Moah Chicken.

Spicy, hot and dripping in flavour, this is everything Farrah would have enjoyed her roast performance to be. But seriously, this is as perfect as the judges say Valentina is.

Enjoy!

Farrahed Moan Chicken
Serves: 1 … or maybe, probably closer to 8.

Ingredients
2 cups flour
⅔ tsp salt
½ tsp thyme
½ tsp basil
⅓ tsp oregano
1 tsp celery salt
1 tsp black pepper
1 tsp mustard powder
4 tsp paprika
2 tsp garlic salt
1 tsp ground ginger
3 tsp white pepper
2 cups buttermilk
2 chickens, cut into pieces
frying oil

Method
Preheat oven to 180°C.

Combine the flour with the 11 herbs and spices – yas, guuurrrllll this be the Colonel’s recipe – in a large bowl.

Dip the chicken in the buttermilk and transfer to the spice mixture and coat generously. Repeat until done.

Heat the oil in a large pot over high heat until piping. Working a few pieces at a time, place the chicken in the oil and cook for three minutes or so, either side. Remove and transfer to a wire rack over a baking sheet.

Once all the chicken is done, transfer to the oven and bake for about twenty minutes. Remove and allow to rest for five-ten minutes before devouring with mashed potato and gravy, or by itself.

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Chicken, Ajacado & Peach Sushi

Main, RuPaul's Drag Race, RuPaul's Drag Race 9, Snack, TV Recap

Previously on RuPaul’s Drag Race, we got to seperate the contenders from the pretenders – not the band, FYI – with Snatch Game where Alexis, Nina and Sasha dominated … and Peppermint and Cynthia completely choked. Then Peppermint murdered Cynthia in the lip sync roughly 100 times over and the cucu queen exited the competition in tenth place. Again.

The queens ruturned to the werk room where Shea said what we were all thinking, that Peppermint is a lip sync assassin. Trinity was quick to get everyone over Cynthia’s departure and proclaimed herself as the new cucu. And to think, I thought we’d never have to hear that word again until the reunion.

Trinity did a 180 from gurl-byeing Cynthia and congratulated Alexis on her first win, probably thankful that it helped them avoid a tantrum the likes of which wouldn’t have been seen since Alaska’s meltdown in All Stars 2. Sweet Valentina was quick to point out that we now run the risk of watching Alexis turn this into her show, which I’m not exactly sure how I feel about.

Nina felt that this challenge was a turning point for her and thanked the queens for their support before Sasha had a turn at her secondary Snatch Game character, giving us a pitch perfect Farrah Moan.

Then Trinity helped Valentina remove the censor bars from her nipples which was nowhere near as exciting as it sounds – dem nips got fucked up.

After bathing their nips in vaseline and aloe to rid themselves of the surrogate pain, the queens returned to the werk room the next day – Valentina, thankfully feeling ok – where Alexis confessed to having a sex dream. Sadly Ru entered before we could snatch the deets, thankfully though he announced that they would be filming a ‘90s teen drama 9021-Ho under the directorship of my gurls Torz Spell and J-Garth!

As the loser, Peppermint was allowed to dish out the roles which is arguably worse than landing in the bottom two. Trying to be a diplomat she polled the girls on which roles they liked, which ended up completely backfiring when Aja threw a tantrum about not getting one of the roles she wanted. Thankfully Shea was as irritated as the audience and offered to swap roles and put her, us and the other queens out of their misery.

This ultimately made Aja feel childish, yet not concerned that she traded one of the lead roles for a cameo in the last scene. Thankfully for her, Alexis then made it her job to coach everyone on 90210 and rubbed them all the wrong way.

The queens arrived at rehearsal with the undisputed queens of West Beverly High where Shea slayed, Nina struggled with her lines and scared the shit out Jen in the process and poor Farrah just couldn’t even remember who she was playing. Trinity stole the show as an even more deranged version of Regina George’s mother, Aja tongue-fucked Peppermint’s mouth and Valentina was just completely adorable.

The next day Aja was feeling bad about the way she behaved, before the queens swapped prom stories – obviously Valentina was prom king and of course Alexis went in drag – before Trinity made it real, sharing that she quit high school at 16 to look after her dying grandmother and home schooled herself. To make it even more tragic, she was raised by her grandmother after her mother dies from HIV complications when she was 8.

Shea then shared a story about mending his relationship with his sick father and Sasha spoke about being a bald queen because of her mother’s battle with breast cancer.

WHY DOES RU WANT ME TO CRY EVERY EPISODE?

Thankfully Ru put me out of my misery and introduced the big hair runway, which sadly had nothing to do with showing off vintage pubes. Lack of bush aside, all of the queens looked beautiful on the runway.

Ru then premiered 9021-Ho where Shea slayed the role that Aja threw away, as did Valentina and Alexis, though none of them held a candle to the madness that was Trinity Taylor. On the flipside, Sasha was underwhelming and Nina and Aja struggled … though thankfully it was not as bad as Cynthia in Snatch Game.

Ultimately Trinity took out the challenge while Nina and Aja found themselves in the bottom two, providing us the best lip sync of the season. Sadly poor Aja was told to sashay away whilst, I assume, wishing that she held on to the role of Grandrea Zuckerman.

I’ve known Aja for a couple of years and I knew she would be super disappointed to get the axe from the competition. Wanting to avoid another tantrum, I thought it best to whip up her favourite Chicken, Ajacado & Peach Sushi as we reconnected / she decompressed from the competition.

The combination of the creamy avocado and – and as you’d expect – cream cheese, the sweet peaches and the chicken create the perfect snack to wash away the pain of losing.

Or you know, will just make you happy – enjoy!

Chicken, Ajacado & Peach Sushi
Serves: 8-10.

Ingredients
2 cups sushi rice
¼ cup sushi vinegar
10 sheets nori
2 chicken breasts, grilled and sliced
2 avocados, halved and thinly sliced
2 peaches, peeled, pitted and sliced
250g cream cheese, thinly sliced
wasabi, to taste
kewpie mayo, to serve
pickled ginger, to serve

Method
Rinse the rice under cold water until it runs clear. Place the rice in a large saucepan with 3 cups of cold water and bring to the boil. Reduce heat, cover and simmer for 15 minutes.

Remove from the heat and stand, covered, for five minutes.

Transfer to a large bowl and stir through the sushi vinegar and allow to cool.

Now, round up all the elements and, most importantly, a bamboo mat. Place the nori shiny side down on the bamboo mat and spread a thin layer of rice over the nori leaving a couple of centimetres clear at the end.

Lay the chicken at one end and top with slices of avo, peach and cream cheese. Lift the edge of the bamboo mat closest to you and roll away, tightly. As you’re about to get to the end, brush the excess end of the nori with water and finish rolling. Press the seam together and allow to rest while you repeat the process until it is all done.

Once they are done, slice into pieces – I went two-three per roll – with a wet knife.

Then, obviously, devour slathered in wasabi, kewpie mayo, pickled ginger and/or soy.

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Cynthia Lee Fontina Frittata

Main, RuPaul's Drag Race, RuPaul's Drag Race 9, TV Recap

Previously on RuPaul’s Drag Race, the queens went full Kardashian for a lip-sync musical extravaganza which upset Nina when she missed out on the role of Blac Chyna. While Shea – who did get the part of Blac Chyna – and Alexis slayed the competition, Farrah and Cynthia landed in the bottom two until – plot twist – they were saved by Eureka’s lingering knee-injury, as the the elephant queen sashayed away on crutches … to return next season.

We opened up back in the werk room as the queens reacted to the shocking medevac, where poor Farrah broke down. Wanting to distract me from having to witness true emotion, Alexis condragulated Shea on her second challenge win … before adding that she would have won if she’d gone better on the runway.

Still sad, Farrah didn’t take kindly to Nina joking that she had a sore knee that was fixed when she saw what happened to Eureka, asking the personal saboteur if she even wanted to be in the competition. After a shady back and forth between the queens, Farrah apologised and explained that she was just upset and jealous of how the judges receive Nina.

Wanting to take us back to shade town, Alexis outlined that she was more than ready to trim the fat and see Nina and her attitude go, along with Farrah and Cynthia who were just in over their heads. She thinks she is all powerful, which I assume is just what happens when you play Kris Jenner.

The next day Aja was exspecially excited to see Ru drop by the werk room to announce the moment we’ve all been waiting for; where basic bitches are separated from the fierce ass queens. Yep, it is time for SNATCH GAME – let’s see how many times Ru has to ask, “but can you make it funny” this year!

Trinity announced that she would be playing Amanda Lepore, Shea will be throwing phones as Naomi Campbell and Peppermint will be doing Nene Leakes … which should be amazing. Much to Ru’s absolute delight, Nina is doing the iconic queen Jasmine Masters, while Sasha will play Marlene Dietrich and hopefully be able to overcome her own inability to crack jokes.

Alexis is finally bringing Liza to the Snatch Game stage which will be a loving tribute … that brought out Ru’s first make-it-funny of the walk around. Cynthia will be doing Roxxxy Andrews’ abandoned character Sofia Vergara which should be a good character for her considering she can trade cucu for boobs.

Scrap that, her sneak peek for Ru was terrible.

As a parting gift to the queens, Ru announced that tomorrow’s runway challenge will be a do-over of the Night of 1000 Madonnas with kimonos a no-no, obvio-o.

At Snatch Game we learnt that Aja was playing Alyssa Edwards, Farrah was doing Gigi Gorgeous and Valentina was traumatised as Miss-Universe-for-ten-seconds, Miss Colombia. Almost straight out of the gate Alexis, Nina and Sasha stole the show while Peppermint, Farrah and Cynthia bombed. Really, really badly. Let’s take a moment of silence to reflect that Eureka left last week so that we could witness the trainwreck that was Cynthia’s portrayal of Sofia Vergara.

The next day the queens returned to the werk room to prepare for the anything-but-kimonos runway where Peppermint spoke about her gender identity and how drag helped her realise that she was a woman. The queens gathered round to talk about how much they love and support her, ruturning the competition to RuPaul’s Best Friend Race in the process.

Alexis, Sasha and Valentina slayed the runway, while Peppermint and Shea, and Trinity and Nina produced a pair of double ups. Despite being the stronger of the Material Girls, Peppermint’s Nene was read for absolute filth – as expected after her terrible performance – and Nina’s weaker 2013 Met Gala Madonna was saved by her killer Jasmine Masters.

Thankfully for Farrah, her runway saved her from herself and Cynthia’s deflated chest/moustache combo landed her in the bottom two again, this time with Peppermint. As hard as the cucu queen tried, she once again struggled to hit her lines … and was absolutely slayed by Peppermint. Who then reversed back over her and ran her over again before shooting her with a mime-gun.

Meaning Cynthia Lee Fontaine sashayed away in tenth place, the same place she finished in last season … continuing in the tradition of this season of Survivor’s jury. Once again, illuminati confirmed?

As you can probably guess, I’m a dear, dear friend of Cynthia having meet years ago at a club – that I co-owned with J.R. Ewing – in Dallas. Our connection was instantaneous and we unofficially formed a Cucu Clique and vowed to have each other’s back.

While we had a brief falling out after I was enraged by the absurdity of wearing THE shorts from season 8, we pushed aside the silliness when she got sick and have been closer than ever since.

Sure she was disappointed to come in tenth again, Cynthia and her cucu were just so grateful to have been given the chance to compete again. Plus … this time she had me waiting in the wings to cheer her up with a delightful Cynthia Lee Fontina Frittata.

Fresh, rich and totally delicious, this frittata is like being wrapped in a hug of pillowy egg. It isn’t fine dining … but who cares when it taste this good? Enjoy!

Cynthia Lee Fontina Frittata
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
olive oil
100g prosciutto, roughly chopped
2 leeks, trimmed and finely sliced
250g mushrooms, thinly sliced
12 eggs
½ cup sour cream
small handful of flat-leaf parsley, sliced
1 cup fontina, grated
salt and pepper

Method
Preheat the oven to 160°C.

Heat a lug of olive oil in a large, ovenproof pan over medium heat and cook the prosciutto for a couple of minutes or until crisp. Add the leeks, reduce heat to low and cook for ten minutes or until the leeks are soft and sweat. Add the mushrooms and cook for a further five minutes or until all the liquid has gone.

While the veggies are getting delightful and soft amongst the prosciutto, whisk the eggs, sour cream and parsley in a bowl with half of the cheese and the salt and pepper.

Crank the heat to high, add another lug of oil and pour over the egg mixture. Give a very quick stir and then leave to cook for a couple of minutes, or until the edge of the frittata is set.

Sprinkle over the remaining cheese and transfer the pan to the oven and bake for about twenty minutes, or until golden and set.

Devour.

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Eufreekeh Salad

RuPaul's Drag Race, RuPaul's Drag Race 9, Salad, Side, Snack, TV Recap, Vegetarian

Previously on RuPaul’s Drag Race, the queens split into two teams to host rival morning TV shows, where Naya Rivera sassily kicked the boot into Trinity’s team while Shea and Sasha’s choc-broccoli fiesta saw them rise to the top, securing a year’s worth of burgers … which is arguably the best possible prize. After their disaster, Trinity and Charlie landed in the bottom two with a thud where Trinity turned it out and Charlie sleep-walked, slept-walked – what is the freaking past tense in that sitch? – her way out of the combination.

Back in the werk room, Trinity wasted no time removing Charlie’s message while the queens wondered like the rest of us, why Charlie just gave up during the lipsync. Not wasting any time bringing up the shade, Farrah asked Trinity how it felt to be thrown under the bus by her teammates – reigniting the great Eureka/Trinity feud of episode 1.

After congratulating the girls on their victory, Nina and Alexis vowed that their time was coming which is either foreshadowing of their victories … or impending downfall.

The next day Ru arrived in the werk room for the first mini-challenge of the season, where each queen was required to take a selfie with the pit crew. I don’t know about you but I was moist, gurl.

Alexis won … but let’s be honest, I didn’t see what any of the queens did with the pit crew there.

Ru wasted no time announcing this week’s mainstage extravaganza – and musical I’d secretly love to see happen – Kardashian: The Musical, requiring the queens to dance, act and lip sync to the greatest story ever told about the American dream. Victory gave Alexis the right to assign all the roles where she obviously cast herself with the best role – Kris – gave North to Eureka, Kim to Cynthia, Kylie to Farrah, Kendall to Valentina, Kourtney to Aja, LiLo to Sasha, Paris Hilton to Trinity, Britney Spears to Peppermint, Blac Chyna to Shea and Khloe to Nina.

Cynthia, Aja and Nina didn’t seem thrilled with their casting, while Farrah was living for her role as Kylie. Eureka and Shea got their K on before we learnt that Eureka has been carrying around a busted knee since the cheer challenge, meaning we may get to see some epic crutches action on the runway.

YAS.

Meanwhile Nina continued her pity party of one, complaining to Aja about the part she was lumbered with – which is offensive, given that Khlo is the people’s K – before unleashing her inner saboteur.

The queens made their way to learning the khoreography where Eureka was confident that she would slay as North, despite being krippled. Nina was hoping Shea would choke, while she instead shone as Blac Chyna. Meanwhile Nina and Aja struggled to get the choreography down, whilst Farrah and Valentina couldn’t get their clap together.

The next day, the queens started to prepare for their performance where Trinity and Eureka bonded over the latter’s injury and Aja’s nose lost weight, before Eureka continued her rudemption tour and apologised to Sasha and Valentina for her eating disorder joke last week, where Sasha spoke about her past with anorexia, Valentina opened up about her continuing struggle with food and Shea shared her experience with bulimia.

With RuPaul’s Best Friend Race out of the way, Meghan Trainor arrived looking like an absolute fuckwit wearing a unicorn onesie.

Seriously, fuck Meghan Trainor.

Moving past that monstrosity, the queens slayed the musical performance … well almost all of them. Cynthia struggled to put any sync in the lip sync portion of the challenge, while Valentina and Farrah continued to miss coordinating their clap.Thankfully Shea made up for their failings and stole the show as Blac Chyna.

Shea and Peppermint stood out on the runway, while Eureka killed on her crutches and Cynthia and Nina struggled. When it came time for the judges critique, Nina broke down and spoke about her self-sabotage and paranoia, Cynthia was read for not knowing the words and Farrah was called out for not bringing any character to Kylie.

Ultimately Shea took out her second mainstage win – due to Alexis’ boring runway look – while Cynthia and Farrah found themselves in the bottom two, lip syncing to on of fuckstains, fuckstain songs.

As you probably figured out though, both Cynthia and Farrah were safe as Eureka became the first queen in drag race herstory to be medevaced from the competition (Farrah’s ugly cry was everything). While she was heartbroken to be going home so soon, she wasn’t too disappointed though given that Ru invited her to compete again next season.

Oh and I – her dear friend that tried to undermine forty-six of Trinity’s pageant performances – was on hand to whip up a healthy and delicious Eufreekah Salad. To be honest, that was probably the thing that cheered her up.

Spicy, tart and a little bit sweet, this salad pretty much sums up Eureka’s personality … which we will get to enjoy again next season, this time without the feud. Oh and I should probably mention it is fucking delicious, but that goes without saying, right?

Enjoy!

Eufreekeh Salad
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
1 cup freekeh
1 cinnamon quill
2 bay leaves
zest of one orange
½ chargrilled eggplant, diced
1 cup chargrilled capsicum, diced
½ bunch of mint, roughly chopped
1 small bunch of parsley, roughly chopped
½ cup craisins
½ cup slivered almonds, toasted
salt and pepper
½ tsp ground cinnamon
pinch of cumin
juice of 1 orange
1 tbsp maple syrup
olive oil
½ batch Calabneh Reynolds

Method
Soak freekeh overnight in a large pot of water, before draining and rinsing thoroughly. Add 2 ½ cups of fresh water and bring to the boil with the cinnamon, bay leaves and zest. Once getting as fiery as Trinity and Eureka, reduce heat to medium-low and simmer for about an hour, or until al dente. If you need to add more water, add more water, I don’t mind. Once ready, drain, rinse and cool.

While the freekeh is softening like Eureka’s final stint in the werk room, combine the eggplant, capsicum, herbs, craisins and almonds in a bowl with a good whack of salt and pepper. Add the freekeh to the bowl and stir to combine.

Add the ground cinnamon, cumin, juice, maple syrup and a lug of olive oil, and stir to combine. Top with some dollops of labneh, stir … and devour while you wait patiently for Eureka’s return next season.

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Charleek Hides Mushroom Omelette

Breakfast, RuPaul's Drag Race, RuPaul's Drag Race 9, TV Recap

Previously on RuPaul’s Drag Race, Trinity and Eureka’s tension continued whilst the queens created OG fairytale princesses, now with sidekicks, where Trinity slayed the competition. True to her Princess name, Aja was a complete disaster … though not as bad as my girl Kimora Blac who became the second queen to sashay away from the competition.

The queens returned to the werk room where they checked in to see how Aja was doing, after being read for filth by the judges despite seeing herself as a superstar. Given that we are watching this in HD, I am erring on the side of the judges … sorry Aja!

Shea then congratulated Trinity on snatching the crown from Valentina, setting of a shade-storm from Aja – and briefly Alexis – about Valentina not deserving to be in the top three last week and that she is simply the judges’ pet.

The next morning they returned to the werk room where Cynthia acknowledged that third runways are not her thing – if season 8’s shorts are anything to go by, gurl right. Ru sadly entered before we could cut to the hideous shorts to set this week’s challenge, where the queens would be broken up into two teams to host rival breakfast news programs.

Trinity as last week’s champ and Aja, as the chump, were made captains, with Aja selecting her current nemesis Valentina, as well as Shea Coulee, Sasha Velour, Alexis Michelle and Farrah Moan to help host Good Morning Bitches.

Team Trinity got to host Not on Today, which is obviously the superior title.

As the last person selected, Nina was feeling pretty hurt … but we didn’t have time to dwell on that as Eureka stepped in to talk over everyone and create some drama. Mama. Thankfully I was just as easily distracted by Charlie and Cynthia reporting on a Justin Bieber/Maggie Smith sextape, which I truly would pay to see. Sadly though Cynthia hasn’t improved much since her time working at RuCo’s Empire, though that could have something to do with Charlie constantly giving her notes and made her feel like her character – who I assume was Charo’s younger sister – was being stifled.

We finally checked in on the production of Good Morning Bitches, which is clearly not as shady as Not on Today, since they are already filming the damn thing with Ross Mathews. Alexis and Farrah kicked off the with a foot fetishist’s dream before Aja and Valentina joined forces to give a lacklustre entertaintment report. Thankfully – which is clearly on my word of the day calendar, henny – Shea and Sasha came through with an aggressively sexual and hilarious cooking segment.

Rounding out the show Naya Rivera arrived for the celebrity interview where Sasha continued to carry the team, asking insightful questions before the show wrapped.

Not on Today then arrived in studio to film their show, where Trinity really struggled with the autocue. Sadly that was the high point, with Peppermint flubbing her lines, followed by Charlie and Cynthia having zero charisma or life in their entertaintment report.

Despite a valiant effort from Eureka and Nina, there was no saving that show. Particularly when Charlie wrapped up the interview and the show, with no one saying goodbye.

The next day, the queens prepared for the Naughty Nighties runway where Aja was concerned about her lack of chemistry with Valentina, given that she is coming off a stint in the bottom two. Valentina heard this and confronted Aja about how she was treating her, where Aja spoke about being disappointed in herself and apologised for taking it out on Valentina.

Across the werk room Charlie and Cynthia got heavy and spoke about the aids epidemic, with Charlie having lost most of her best friends to the virus in the ‘80s. She then spoke about her survivor’s guilt and broke down … thankfully – there I fucking go again – she could do a smoky eye on the runway, so not all hope was lost.

Valentina then wanted to share with the group and opened up about her disorder, or tried to, before Eureka interrupted and suggested it was an eating one, pissing off Sasha who has a history with eating disorders. The argument went back and forth before Valentina had to add mama to her list of talents, telling the girls they have to stop and focus on the runway.

After also slaying the runway, Shea and Sasha were declared co-winners with their team all declared safe. Living up to their name, Not on Today landed in the bottom where Eureka and Nina were praised as the sole standouts.

Wanting to add to the shade of the episode, Ru asked my favourite question of the season – who does everyone think deserves to go home. Trinity and Peppermint opting for Charlie, Charlie and Cynthia voting Peppermint and Eureka voting for Trinity … before Trinity called shade on her shit. Nina then also voted for Trinity, keeping the voting in the pairs from the show.

Pop on your conspiracy theory tinfoil hats, people!

Despite Trinity and Charlie being praised for their runway looks, the duo landed in the bottom two where Charlie appeared to have given up completely, allowing Trinity to completely mop the floor with her and send the trans-atlantic dame back across the pond.

Heck, Charlie was just counting down until Ru told her to sashay away.

Charlie is one of my oldest – well definitely oldest – and dearest friends, having met in the 30s, when we, along with Stockard Channing, were in our 40s. While Charlie is an extremely talented queen – and we were robbed of Lana Del Rey on snatch game – she never seemed to find her feet in the competition.

Thankfully – fuck, AGAIN?! – I had found my feet in the kitchen and quickly cheered her up with my Charleek Hides Mushroom Omelette.

Despite the mushrooms not being as hidden as the name would suggest, this eggy, Meggy delight is the perfect thing to wake up to (outside of a Maggie Smith/Bieber sextape). The sweet leek, earthy mushroom and sharp feta work together to fill you up – oh gurl, it will fill … you … up – and get your day off to the perfect start.

Oh, and you’ll be shocked to know there is chilli involved – enjoy!

Charleek Hides Mushroom Omelette
Serves: 2.

Ingredients
4 rashers of streaky bacon, diced
1 leek, washed and thinly sliced
handful of mushrooms, thinly sliced
6 eggs, lightly whisked
salt and pepper
chilli flakes, to taste
knob of butter
150g danish feta, crumbled
toast, to serve

Method
Heat a medium frying pan over medium heat and fry the bacon until crisp. Add the leek and mushrooms and cook for five minutes or so, or until the leek is soft and sweet.

Whisk the eggs in a measuring jug with a good whack of salt and pepper and chilli flakes … if you want, I guess.

Heat an omelette pan over medium heat and add a knob of butter. Once the butter is foamy and glorious, add the eggs and sweep a spatula across the base of the pan to give the eggs some texture. Once the egg is set around the edges, sprinkle over the bacon and leek mixture and feta, and reduce heat to low until just completely set.

Transfer to a plate and devour with toast.

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Kumara Blac Bean Burgers

Burgers, Main, Party Food, RuPaul's Drag Race, RuPaul's Drag Race 9, Snack, TV Recap, Vegetarian

Previously on RuPaul’s Drag Race the girls brought it on for a cheertastic maxi-challenge where Trinity and Valentina rose to the top of the human pyramid and Charlie, Kimora and Jaymes bottomed – very well – before the latter became the first queen eliminated.

The queens returned to the werk room to discover the first lipstick message of the season and to discuss poor Jaymes’ lack of confidence and how overwhelmed by the competition. Making it worse for her at home, Kimora then compared the lip sync as being a ten vs. a one.

On the other end of the spectrum, Valentina was proud of her victory while hoping to grow from week to week, while Trinity was looking forward to knocking her off her perch and vowed to own the next challenge in a manner that both terrified and aroused me.

The next day Valentina was still on cloud nine while the rest of the queens hoped that the next challenge would be less physically demanding. Like clock werk, Ru arrived to announce this week’s maxi challenge, which involved creating an OG fairytale princess complete with mythology, back story, fantasy frock … and sassy sidekick.

So whilst it was less physically demanding, it would definitely still be completely exhausted.

Like that Ru disappeared like a fairy godfather after cobbling together a look for Cinderella, allowing the girls to get down to business in a flurry of fabric, hot glue and sequins.

Alexis was feeling confident given that the challenge embodied her spirit. No to be outdone, Aja was also feeling confident that she would have this in the bag given her avant garde vision. Farrah however was completely terrified given that she has zero sewing ability – which makes no sense if you’re competing in season 9, when you know sewing is important. Also struggling, Kimora reiterated that she doesn’t sew and offered to pay Charlie to put together a look for her. That aside, I’m kind of loving her vision or Tarzan’s other wife, particularly given it will probably be extremely whorey.

Eureka settled on a sewer princess, Alexis is going with subway princess, Farrah was going with an underwater socialite princess, Aja was inspired by her mother with Princess Disaster – which Ru was quite concerned about – Valentina was going for ice princess with par-shaved-brows and Trinity was going for a whorey aquatic princess … inspiring SO many chocolate starfish jokes that I’m now aquatic. Down there.

Amongst all that, Cynthia taught Kimora what an adjective is.

Farrah was still struggling big time, leading to Eureka whipping up a bra for her and offering the sagest of advice “don’t be afraid of hot glue girl, you’re a drag queen.”

Needless to say, Trinity was pissed.

The next day Cynthia enlightened us with the origins of cucu – which sadly wasn’t as exciting or scandalous as I had hoped – before the queens started throwing shade at Aja’s very heavily shaded make-up. Peppermint’s side-eye gives me life.

Shit then got extremely real as the girls started talking about the Pulse massacre. Trinity was a former Miss Pulse and was there the weekend before. Cynthia was meant to perform that night and had to cancel – people called from the bathroom during the shooting and sadly one of her friends died.

After the serious talk, the queens got to the serious work on the runway where Cynthia, Charlie, Eureka, Alexis, Nina, Sasha, Valentina, Trinity, Peppermint and Shea all slayed … meaning I was extremely confident Aja, Kimora and Farrah would be in the bottom.

Which they were … specifically Aja and Kimora who had to lip sync where Aja slayed and Kimora seemed to have been defeated before hitting the stage. That being said, my dear friend Kimora was ultimating eliminated which means she was justified to feel like that.

I’ve known Kimora for years but considering what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, I can’t really go into it. But we are close and I knew that despite being disappointed to go home, she would be proud for all that she achieved … and keen to kiki over a delicious Kumara Blac Bean Burger.

Like Kimora these burgers are spicy, sweet and completely delicious. You know how she was talking about having famous buns … she was actually talking about these babies.

Though I’d gladly eat either – enjoy!

Kumara Blac Bean Burgers
Serves: 8.

Ingredients
3 sweet potatoes, peeled and diced into small cubes
2 onions, quartered
olive oil
800g canned black beans
2 tsp cumin
2 tsp ground oregano
1 tsp chilli
salt and pepper
1 cup frozen corn, cooked and drained
⅔ cup flour
8 buns
2 avocados, mashed
2 tomatoes, sliced
1 cup iceberg lettuce, shredded
200g Danish feta, mashed
Sriracha sauce, to taste

Method
Preheat the oven to 180°C.

Place the sweet potato and onion on a baking tray, drizzle with some olive oil and bake for about half an hour, or until they are browned and caramelised.

While the potato is baking, rinse the beans and drain completely. Transfer to a bowl and mash until they are broken up but still clearly beans – use your judgement.

Transfer the baked veggies into a food processor with the spices and blitz until smooth. Add to the bowl with the mashed beans, corn flour and a good whack of salt and pepper and mix with your hands until well combined.

Shape into 8 large patties, place on a lined baking tray, drizzle with oil and bake for twenty minutes, flipping once.

While they’re baking, split and toast the buns. Smear the bottoms with avocado and top with some feta and tomato. Place the patio on top, drizzle with Sriracha and place some lettuce on top … close and devour.

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