Author: Benjamin Woodley Judd

Whipped Fetta James

Condiment, Dip, Side, Snack

Last weekend’s public memorial for Caz and Debs – which I couldn’t attend because Trump has banned me from the U.S. for having a beard … or being gay, I don’t know – reminded me that despite having so many friends on the A-list, I have still experienced so much A-list loss.

So obvi, before the service had even concluded, I grabbed out my collection of celebrity funeral booklets and picked out my dear Etta James’ at random, locking in the date with Ets and my time machine.

I first met Ets in the early 50s – Stockard Channing would therefore have been in her 60s at the time – when she and her biological mother moved to the Fillmore District of San Francisco. As soon as I heard her voice, I knew she was destined for greatness and hitched myself to her wagon.

Hitched is probably an understatement, it was more like fused … but anyway.

While we were close her entire life, we spent most of our time together in the late 60s while preparing her debut album, so I knew that that was the best time to go back to visit for our date.

Fun fact: At Last was written about me.

As always, it was equal parts joy and pain to be back visiting my deceased friend. The release of At Last was such a wonderful time in our lives and it was so great to be able to experience it again over some Whipped Fetta James, our favourite dip of the time.

 

 

If you have never had whipped feta before, you haven’t lived. A little bit tart, a little bit sweet and completely fluffy, it is the easiest dip to whip up when you’re hungry / in desperate need of comfort.

Enjoy!

 

 

Whipped Fetta James
Serves: 1. No judgement.

Ingredients
300g feta cheese, at room temperature
100g cream cheese, at room temperature

Method
Place the feta and cream cheese in a food processor and blitz the shit out of it for about five minutes.

Transfer to a bowl, cover and chill for about half an hour. If you can. Otherwise, devour straight away.

 

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Long Island J.T.

Drink, Survivor: Game Changers – Mamanuca Islands, TV Recap

Previously on Survivor, Andrea’s ball-handling skills won out over Varner’s – I’m simultaneously shocked and not surprised in the slightest – resulting in Mana and Nuku heading to a joint tribal council where Jeff’s jealousy got the best of him and he twist-fucked my beautiful, angel Malcolm.

Jealousy isn’t cute Jeffrey, even on you. Why can’t he just trust me?

Despite a shitty outcome after a shitty move from J.T. – seriously, Hali did what you wanted to do but was successful – that tribal council was majestic

We opened up back at Nuku where Queen Sandra quickly got to work shaking down J.T. for his betrayal, resulting in Malcolm’s outster. While they didn’t seem to be buying it, the fact that it resulted in the ouster of his sole friend on the tribe definitely helped. Though even with that little helpful fact, he crossed Sandra and she vowed for revenge … and you know how her revenge plots generally work out (see: Fairplay and Hantz).

The next morning, J.T. realised that he was still well screwed – whether he realised it was his own doing, I’m still not sure – so decided to quickly go idol hunting, which sadly for the Queen was successful. Given his history with idols, I wouldn’t be as confident as he is that it will keep him in the game … he may write a love letter to Ozzy and give it away during the next challenge.

On that note, Jeffrey returned to the screen for the reward challenge / to try and win me back after his tribal council slight. Tavua were shocked to discover that despite a double tribal council Mana was completely intact and Nuku had lost – of all people – Malcolm, God amongst men, flooder of basements, wetter of dreams, bombs of sex.

Trying even harder to make it up to me, Jeffrey announced the challenge involved grappling hooks to snag something to help balance balls, long hard beams, inserted said balls into holes … and a slide puzzle, because they obviously need to finish with a puzzle. What’s more, they were playing for PBJ, milk and cookies (or PBJ only for the second place finisher) –  so desperate to win me over but adding a P to my BJ isn’t going to work, even if I’m getting milk, Jeffrey.

Sierra got Mana out to an early lead, which was then snatched by Tavua by way of Ozzy’s insane challenge ability … while J.T. continued to paint that target even more obviously on his back, unable to balance on my a beam, much to Michaela’s chagrin.

Thanks to Ozzy and Sarah, Zeke got to the puzzle section of the challenge well in front securing victory, while Debbie dropped the ball – literally – giving Aubry time to catch up and give Sandra time to take out her first second place.

Back at camp, Debbie was pissed at losing sandwiches and decided to flip out over Brad’s dictatorship, despite saying she was good on balance beams and Brad agreeing she should complete that section … before completely choking.

Sarah oddly returned to the screen after a two episode hiatus, to talk about her continuing criminal gameplay. Since she hasn’t attended tribal council once, this felt odd … almost like they were trying to remind us she existed and was changing her game? *Coughs, winner edit*. To keep her options open, she approached Troyzan about forming an alliance and keeping the game exciting, rather than sticking with her boring four person alliance.

Troyzan was obviously thrilled about the possibility of keeping his hands firmly on his idol.

Debbie’s rage continued to boil over at Mana, quickly turning into a full-blown meltdown. Where she complaining about Hali getting everything she wants, despite being completely on the outs and openly threatened to stay in line at the last tribal council.

To work through the rage, Debs then did push ups on the beach to focus on her 8-pack.

Back at Nuku, J.T. and Aubry were busy running an island cafe – much to their annoyance – whipping up a beverage for Michaela, consisting of 7 drip of coffees and a generous scoop of sugar. J.T. was ropable that he was being treated like a servant and Michaela was wasting his sugar on minimal liquid.

Sandra decided to continue in her hallowed tradition of sabotage and stir the pot a little – see throwing out the fish and Christa under the bus or burning Russell’s hat for smelling like arse – and eat the rest of the sugar to create tension between them. It worked … but surprisingly Michaela kept her cool when confronted by J.T. however it did seem to make him feel secure in his place within the tribe, which is masterful if she wants to blindside him down the track.

Back at Mana, Tai decided two idols in two seasons weren’t enough, and went on a hunt for his career third. While he quickly found a clue by sticking his hand into a small, dark hole. It was cryptic, saying to soak a board until a symbol appeared and then dig under it. Given the camera’s focus on the well, I assume it is hidden there.

Sensing me softening to him, Jeff returned for the immunity challenge which involved climbing a wall, flipping a cube to get a key, opening a chest, grabbing out some balls, crossing a balance beam and firing your balls at a target.

Debbie was very sassy about wanting to be on the balance beam but was quickly out-vote leading to a majestic challenge where Debbie stayed one step ahead of her tribe – who were surprisingly in the lead – to remind them that she is the challenge beast of the tribe and is carrying them.

It was a back-and-forth challenge with Nuku taking the lead before it was quickly snatched by Tavua and Mana thanks to Ozzy, Andrea and the sub-par balance ability of Hali, Debs would have you know.

Thankfully Ozzy failed at the slingshot evening things up before Brad stormed out in front and snatched Mana their first immunity win, leading to a battle between Ozzy and J.T. … which Ozzy just won, sending Nuku back to tribal council.

Michaela was hopeful that a challenge ending with slingshots wouldn’t be her undoing a second time, given that the season is called game changers. Which isn’t great logic but it always pays to be hopeful.

Back at camp, Aubry was unsure of which tribe she was a part of but knew the Survivor gods were not on their sides, in any event. Aubry softened to the idea of keeping J.T., believing that Michaela was the most difficult person to have around.

J.T. rallied the troops to vote out Michaela, with Sandra proving why she is the queen, making him feel extremely safe and committed to booting the dirty sugar thief, that she framed … before immediately approaching Michaela and Varner to blindside J.T.

While Varner loved his position as the swing vote he was undecided whether targeting the threat with the idol or the girl with the bad attitude was the better option as they exited for tribal council.

At tribal, Jeff quickly got to work rubbing salt in my wounds about Malcolm’s departure. Sandra seemingly dodged the question to avoid spooking J.T. by bringing up his failure, J.T. tried to play the bumbling fool, Michaela vented her annoyance with J.T. and his arrogance while J.T. said babysitting Michaela was a bore.

Sandra then recounted the cause of the feud, J.T.’s belief that Michaela ate the sugar that he using in the coffee. She then laughed at the absurdity of their fight … WHICH SHE CAUSED.

Side note, if you don’t love Sandra, you’re insane.

Sandra and Michaela quickly got to work pretending that she was on the way out the door, clearly being coached by the Queen. J.T. then got arrogant and said Michaela was a space-filler, not a game changer which upset Aubry she likes and admires Michaela as a person … despite her making camp life painful. That being said, she was confident the vote was clear and Sandra said that he would be safe before heading to vote.

Hinting that he would in fact not be safe, Michaela whipped out her mug and some water and started drinking it like tea as Jiffy Pop tallied the votes where J.T. found himself bye Felicia’ed from the game by the Queen and her subjects … with an idol in his pocket.

It was obnoxious, sure, but Michaela drinking the tea was iconic.

Michaela and Sandra then laughed on his way out the door before Sandra admitted to stealing the sugar and causing the fight. While J.T. missed that little factoid before joining me in Loser Lodge, it bears mentioning.

I’ve known J.T. since just after his victory in Tocantins when I started to cyber-bully him for beating Stephen. While J.T. deserved the win thanks to his superior social game and his ability to get people to lay down for him like puzzles for Debbie, I felt Stephen deserved a few votes … and given his next two games, it shows how vital having a calm mind in Stephen and Taj helps him.

Obviously I didn’t mention any of this while we caught up, I simply pulled myself away from Malcolm long enough whip him up a comforting Long Island J.T.

 

 

After being responsible for your own demise for the second time, you really need a stiff drink and there is none stiffer than a Long Island Iced Tea.

What more can I say, if you love booze, you’ll love this – enjoy!

 

 

Long Island J.T.
Serves: 1.

Ingredients
½ shot vodka
½ shot gin
½ shot white rum
½ shot white tequila
dash of triple sec
dash of freshly squeezed lemon juice
cola, to taste
lemon wedge, to garnish
ice cubes

Method
Fill a cocktail shaker with ice and add everything but the cola.

Shake like a polaroid picture.

Pour into a glass.

Top up with cola and add a lemon wedge.

Down and repeat … responsibly, of course.

 

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Seth Rogen Josh

Main, Poultry

Seriously, I don’t think I’ve laughed this much in years. Like full on, deep, hearty Rogen-esque chuckles.

I’ve known my dear friend Seth since we were wee babes, well since just before we became men. You see Seth, Evan Goldberg and I attended the same bar mitzvah classes, became friends and commenced writing Superbad. It all went south, however, when they found out I wasn’t Jewish and was instead trying to find myself a boyfriend and join the moile high club.

Seth, loving his role as a (future) bear icon, didn’t mind however Evs was not thrilled and had my name struck from the Superbad script and hasn’t spoken to me since. Which, let’s be honest is a total dick move, since it puts our best friend Seth in a hella awkward place.

Given that Seth is so busy, I haven’t seen him since the premiere of Neighbours … where I caused a scene when Zac suggested we take a break. Which reminds me, that was another reason I haven’t seen Seth in years.

Thankfully, he is hella forgiving and understands that the thirst is real and Zefron floods my basement and that when Zef takes sex off the table, I go insane. After a quick apology, catch-up and subtle prying into whether he think Zef and I will get back together – FYI, he thinks there is hope for us – we sat down to a big bowl of his favourite Seth Rogen Josh.

 

 

Like Seth – and Zef, for that matter – this curry is hot, spicy and makes you feel unending joy when it is inside you, filling you up with its goodness. I got well distracted, didn’t I?

Oy – it is delicious, like Seth. Enjoy!

 

 

Seth Rogen Josh
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
thumb sized piece of fresh ginger, finely grated
4 garlic cloves, peeled and finely chopped
vegetable oil
500g chicken breast or lamb shoulder, diced
5 whole cardamom pods
1 bay leaf
3 whole cloves
5 whole peppercorns
1 cinnamon sticks
2 onions, peeled and finely chopped
½ tsp ground coriander
1 tsp cumin seeds
2 tsp paprika
½ tsp cayenne pepper
½ tsp salt
¼ cup plain yogurt
¼ tsp garam masala
fresh ground pepper
fresh coriander, to garnish

Method
Put the ginger, garlic and ¼ cup water into food processor and blitz into a smooth paste.

Heat a lug of oil in a large pot over medium heat and lightly brown the meat. Remove from the pan and set aside.

Place the cardamom, bay leaves, cloves, peppercorns and cinnamon in the meaty oil and fry, stirring, until the cloves swell and your kitchen is fragrant. Add the onions, reduce heat to low and sweat for five minutes. Add the ginger/garlic paste and fry for a minute before adding the remaining spices and cooking for a further minute.

Return the meat – and all their juices – to the pan with the yoghurt and stir until combined and cook for a couple of minutes. Add a cup of water, bring to the boil and deglaze the pan. Reduce heat to low, cover and simmer for an hour, stirring occasionally.

At the end of the hour, remove the lid and turn the heat to medium to reduce the liquid to desired consistency.

Serve with rice, garnished with some fresh coriander and your favourite sides. I recommend raita, naan and pappadums … but it is up to you. I guess.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest and Tumblr.

Ain’t No Party Like a Sausage Party

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

Have I ever told you about the time I did good in the world?

Probs not – it was back in 2014 and I convinced my boys Ben Affleck and Seth Rogen to speak at two Senate committee meetings. It is so rare that I do something good that I forgot until Benny Aff reminded me last week.

Wanting to kind of marinate in the smug feeling I had, I reached out to Seth and thankfully he was hella keen to catch up and reconnect.

What says you’re a dear friend and I love that I can openly lust after you?

Image source: Gary Miller/Getty Images.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest and Tumblr.

Malcolm Freburger

Main, Snack, Survivor: Game Changers – Mamanuca Islands, TV Recap

Previously on Survivor, Queen Sandra got to experience her first ever tribe swap where J.T. and Troyzan were royally screwed … but were saved by their new tribes winning immunity. While poor Hail and Caleb had to battle in their not-as-screwed-but-still-screwed state at tribal council, where Caleb found himself out of the game after the undisputed king of upcycling Brad Culpepper convinced Tai it was for the best.

We opened up back at Mana after tribal where Sierra and Brad apologised to Tai for having to boot his part-time lover and dear friend Caleb, over Hali. Sierra then kissed him, either deluded into thinking that would somehow make it better or trying to be his Fijian Aubry.

Who knows.

The next day Hali and Debbie bonded, with Hali hoping that by showing Debbie she is the best asset for Debbie to use going forward / to help get rid of Tai … who is still feeling salty about from their time in Kaoh Rong. On the flipside, Debbie added double agent to her resume as she confirmed that old tribal lines would hold out and Hali is the next to go.

Period.

Jeff arrived for the reward challenge for coffee … without me even mentioning how b-b-bangin’ Malcolm is looking. The man is clearly working overtime to be my number one and I both love and hate it.

Wanting to bring the excitement, Jeff announced it was a hero challenge with only two people competing for each tribe – gleefully one involving balls, poles and bags – leading to Troyzan blowing Ozzy’s huge … early lead and my love Malcs and the artist formerly known as fuck you Brad Culpepper securing victory for their tribes.

Back at Tavua, Troyzan was even more screwed than he was after last episode and Ozzy got back to his cocky Micronesia/South Pacific roots, talking about how he is carrying the tribe and providing for them. To his credit though, the man then caught a stingray and as Steve Irwin would tell you if he wasn’t murdered by one, those fuckers are dangerous.

Over at Nuku Sandra was feeling nice and confident in her position – though far more charming about it than a lucky to be alive Ozzy – while J.T. and Malcolm got together to discuss taking out Sandra due to her complete control and the fact that she truly is the most threatening player out there.

Lucky Malcs is a babe, or I’d be angry.

Seriously … I call Malc a babe and like that, immunity is back up for grabs and Probst is on my screen! Clearly salty about the situation, he then announced that only one tribe would be winning immunity and the remaining tribes would both be attending tribal council.

Finally – a double tribal episode that makes sense. Three tribes, one winner, double tribal … this is the only fair format, Probst!

Earning even more points the challenge involved blindfolds, yanking on chains until you got drenched and a whole lot of ball play. Kinky af, and I like it. Despite an early lead for Nuku poor Varner dropped his load – and broke down, breaking my heart – while Andrea’s advanced ball skills saved Tavua from tribal council … where the two tribes would join together to vote out one.

Like a fucked up version of the spiceys. I take back my praise from two pars ago. I mean, good twist … but you’ve got 20 castaways and will need a double boot and this actually makes sense.

Back at camp, Nuku were feeling calm given their numbers advantage over Mana. But as Malcolm said, it is only simple on paper. Everyone started throwing out names with Sandra Diaz-Twine targeting her initials twin Sierra Dawn-Thomas as the least likely to have an idol, J.T. suggesting Tai … and then having a side conversation with Malcolm about how Brad would hopefully vote Sandra and they could flip to get her out.

Over at Mana, Brad was concerned about Hali’s loyalty to new-Mana, while they debated the merits of booting either Sandra or Malcolm. Knowing they’d be screwed otherwise, Tai got busy destroying foliage in search of another idol … which he successfully found.

He returned to camp to tell his tribemates – minus Hali – where Sierra felt it appropriate to cut Caleb’s grass AGAIN (seriously, he was booted just an episode ago) and kiss Tai.

With the underdogs having a fighting chance we arrived at tribal council where Brad got his Charlton Heston on and started talking guns, before Sandra joined the party and said all their guns were on one person. Debbie mentioned then joined the fray and mentioned that they used to be close with J.T. to which Sandy mentioned used to as the key part of that sentence.

There was talk about threats on each tribe, Sandra was trying to bluff about an idol, Brad mentioned Hali flipping was suicide to which Hali got annoyed and felt like they weren’t really trying to make her feel safe.

And I feel like this is where it started to get insane with the side whispering which lead to J.T. getting out of his seat, walking over to Brad and whispering that Brad was safe and Sierra was getting the votes. Royally pissed, Hali marched over to old-Mana-now-Nuku and gave them her intel, trying to flip their vote to Brad.

It was madness and I still don’t know exactly what happened but their were huddles and side huddles, Jeff trying to get the tribes to vote to which Hali refused to try and help her old tribe stay together, before then changing her mind when they wouldn’t listen and walking off to vote without Probst’s intro.

It. Was. Insane.

Then tragedy struck. Brad told Tai to use his idol on Sierra, who all of new-Nuku had voted for, resulting in Malcolm being axed by the new-Mana … and J.T.’s second worst move of his Survivor career. While Malc was disappointed as he arrived at loser lodge, I was absolutely livid, flying around the room like Blanche, mid-breakdown in Streetcar.

Now I don’t want to shade my love Jiffy-Pop Probst or throw about claims of jealousy of my throbbing crush on Malcolm … but how could they line up this twist and think it wasn’t going to end this way? Poor Malcolm was not felled by Sierra and Tai’s idol at a jaw-dropping tribal, but rigga morris by Jeff concerned about my weekly Malc-erotica fan-fiction.

Thankfully we had each other – and oh (in maybe just my mind) did we have each other – and a shit tonne of hella comforting Malcolm Freburgers.

 

 

Full disclosure, these babies are a hybrid of the many different In’n’Out Animal Style Double Double copycat recipes available online … because like Malcolm, In’n’Out are the absolute best and you want them to fill you up on the daily. Multiple times.

Simple, fresh and an absolute classic … these will become a staple of comfort eating menu. And are perfect for the man who was absolutely screwed by a shitty twist as hard poor Michelle Yi … back in OG Fiji.

Enjoy!

 

 

Malcolm Freburger
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
1kg beef mince
salt and pepper
vegetable oil
2 onions, diced
¼ cup mayonnaise
2 tbsp ketchup
1 tbsp sweet pickle/gherkin relish
½ tsp champagne vinegar
4 hamburger buns
American mustard
pickles
iceberg lettuce, shredded
1-2 tomatoes, sliced
8 slices American (or any high-melt) cheese

Method
Squeeze as much liquid out of the mince as possible and place in a large bowl. Add a generous whack of salt and pepper and combine with your hands. Divide into 8 patties, place on a plate lined with cling, cover and place in the fridge for about an hour or so.

Heat a lug of oil in a small pan and cook onions over low heat for half an hour, or until golden and caramelised. Add water as you need to avoid them catching on the bottom and burning.

Set aside.

Combine the mayo, ketchup, relish and vinegar in a jug. Cover and place in the fridge.

Heat a large pan or griddle and brush with vegetable oil. Half the buns and light toast, split side down (obviously). Transfer to a plate and spread the base with some special sauce. The actual special sauce and not Malcolm’s, though …

Lay a couple of slices of tomato on the sauced up bun and top with some lettuce.

Brush the pan with some more oil, if needed, and when searingly hot place the patties on the pan, pushing down with a spatula until they are roughly 1cm thick. Squeeze some mustard on the top and cook for a few minutes. Flip the patties, top with a slice of cheese and cook for a further minute.

Place two patties on each bun, top with some caramelised onion, drizzle seductively with more special sauce and top with the other side of the bun.

Serve with fries, animal style … aka covered with any excess onion, sauce and some American cheese.

Devour.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest and Tumblr.

Benoffee Affleck Pie

Baking, Dessert, Pie, Sweets

Even with us both currently sober – my birthday led to an arrest and court-ordered AA, what of it? – my cheeky B-squared reunion with Benny Affleck was completely off the chain!

Seriously … how is that possible? Is this old age? Is drinking not, shudder, required for a good time? Actually, don’t answer that … I’d rather not know.

Anyway … I obviously met Benny – and Matt – while attending Cambridge Rindge and Latin High School in the 80s. I, again obviously, immediately spotted their talents and quickly moulded them into the writer/director/actors that you know and love day.

Unless you’re Jimmy Kimmel / Matt Damon … but that isn’t a prob for my boy Benny.

As I mentioned, I’ve tried to keep my distance with Benny for the last year or so given the scandalo with nannies … on account of my past work as a nanny and off the charts sex-appeal.

Thankfully his reunion with Jen means that I can up my profile and celebrate his Gone Girl – and pitch Tina Fey’s Tyler Perry sequel, Girl I thought you were gone – Batman vs. Superman nudity and enquire about the prospect of Justice League shower scenes.

With that, I needed something to sweeten the deal and cut through my thirst, so settled on our favourite Benoffee Affleck Pie.

 

 

Be warned, this is insanely sweet. And I mean, insanely sweet – which is great to counter thirst, FYI – but make no mistake, banoffee is always a win. Plus, the banana means it’s healthy and the cream kind of cuts through the caramel.

You can’t go past that – enjoy!

 

 

Benoffee Affleck Pie
Serves: 2 Boston boys … 8-12.

Ingredients
200g muscovado sugar
200g butter, plus 75g for the crust
2 x 400g can condensed milk
200g butternut crunch biscuits … or digestives or something of that ilk, but butternut crunch are amazing, crushed
4 bananas, sliced on the diagonal
400ml double cream, whipped until soft peaks form

Method
Start by making the toffee by combining the sugar and 200g of butter in a saucepan over medium heat and stir until combined and the sugar dissolves. Slowly stir in the condensed milk and bring to the boil, stirring continuously until the mixture thickens, gets darker and smells like caramel. Remove from the heat and allow to cool.

While that is cooling, blitz the biscuits in a food processor and melt the remaining butter. Combine, press into a pie dish and transfer to the freezer for fifteen minutes or so to kinda-sorta-semi-set.

Reserve about a quarter of a cup of caramel. Add half of the bananas to the remaining mixture, quickly stir and pour into the pie dish.

Whip the cream, and pour/layer on top of the caramel banana mixture. Arrange the remaining banana on top … and then drizzle over more caramel. Because why not?

Devour.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest and Tumblr.

Argo fuck yourself

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

I feel like I was a bit of a dippy downer last week, in processing my grief about Phil’s death and my rapid ageing.

As such, I decided that my 30s should be a more positive decade and that I should kick off the catch-ups of my 30-somethings on a happier note – hanging with my dear Ben Affleck celebrating his reunion with Jenny Garns.

Given the fact I was in my 20s and was a one-time nanny, I thought it best to stay away and save him the temptation, so we haven’t caught up in a few years.

What says I’m thankful we’re free to catch-up, now that I’m over the hill?

Image source: Batman vs. Superman: Dawn of Justice.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest and Tumblr.