Khrystyana Kapapavlova

America's Next Top Model, America's Next Top Model 24, Baking, Dessert, Snack, Sweets

After Shanice walked away from the competition because, I assume, Philipp Plein is racist in addition to being a sexpest and a mysoginist, Jeana continued to be a total bitch while she giddily celebrated Shanice’s exit. On the flipside, the heroes of our story Khrystyana and Kyla both were gutted to see such a kind, hard working person cut just before the end. Jeana and Phi Phi O’Hara need to hang out and douse themselves in Delusion by Jinkx Monsoon and talk about how poorly they were edited for such kind people.

Mickey B arrived to lord over the final three’s shoot where Jeana couldn’t find an angle while bald though tragically slayed when Drew gave her a wig. Thankfully Khrystyana slayed the entire thing while Kyla was underwhelming, according to Jeana. Back at the house the final three received the final Tyra Mail announcing the impending fashion show, which made Kyla nervous based on her inexperience while, I assume, Jeana was skulking about looking to feed off people’s fear like a dementor.

The next day the final three and Jeana’s shit eating grin arrived at the airport hangar Plein was hoping to hock his fugly wares in, to find Drew and Law to guide them through the runway and introduce the eliminated queens. Sandra and Rhiyan were firmly team Kyla, Liberty, Erin, Shanice, Ivana and Rio were team Khrystyana – and I assume literally everyone else – while no one but Philipp Plein was team Jeana.

Stacey McKenzie arrived to give the girls a pep talk, reducing Khrystyana to tears. Thankfully Stacey is a saint, going in on motivating Khrystyana and trying to pull her out of her head, while the person that called her a horse looked on in shock, wondering where her confidence would have disappeared to. Tyra arrived to bring the models some co-models for the runway, a bunch of adorable children, one of whom will be traumatised by the cold-hearted Jeana.

Jeana owned the runway … to the point she thought it was ok to abandon her kid at the end. Kyla slayed and dragged a jacket on the ground like Plein deserves and Khrystyana was adorable but focused on the kid and kept losing the jacket. When it came to the solo runway, Kyla seemed stiff, Philipp Plein yelled at Khrystyana before her walk and she lost all personality while Jeana looked awesome. The final three walked together and once again Jeana looked fierce – not nek level though – and was favoured by Plein.

Drew and Ashley arrived backstage to tell the final three that their final panel would be happening immediately on the runway. Tyra then dropped another bombshell, announcing that the judges would critique their Paper shoots and someone else would be sent from the competition, leaving a final two. Kyla received universal praise, particularly for her growth from week one. Khrystyana looked adorable, though Law hated the shoot and felt she looked like Kyla’s drunk older sister. Thankfully Drew and Tyra went in to bat for her, saying that is what they want for a Paper shoot and that it told her story. Jeana’s photo was good not great, though Law loved it and thought it was more Paper … while Drew, who is actually employed by Paper, felt she was hard to work with and couldn’t take a shot. Tragically Tyra loved the photo and poor Khrystyana found herself joining the ranks of Shangela as the robbed goddess of ANTM 24.

I’m actually shocked they managed to edit around the moment Tyra announced Khrystyana was eliminated, as I immediately erupted in screams and channelled her infamous Tiffany rant. I started tearing down the runway and burning Philipp Plein’s fugly collection before Khrystyana was able to pull me back from the brink and calm me down. She held me tight as I cried for what felt like an hour before my sobs turned to quiet sorrow. With that, I pulled out my Khrystyana Kapapavlova and apologised because I intended it as her victory meal.

Perfectly cooked coffee meringue, slathered with cream and a dusting of cocoa, this dessert is every bit as perfect as Khrystyana. And every bit as victorious as she should have been.

Sorry, I need to go cry again for the rigga morris.

Enjoy!

Khrystyana Kapapavlova
Serves: 6, or just me while I cry about her Shangie-esque robbery.

Ingredients
250g raw caster sugar
½-1 cup freshly brewed coffee
4 large egg whites
1 tsp cream of tartar
300 ml thickened cream
½ tsp vanilla extract
cocoa powder, for dusting

Method
Preheat the oven to 180°C and line a baking sheet with baking paper.

Combine the sugar and coffee in a small saucepan – depending on how strong you’d like the coffee hit, use ½-1 cup of coffee and top it up with water to make sure you use 1 cup of liquid. Does that make sense? That makes sense. Anyway, bring to the boil, reduce heat to low and simmer without stirring until it comes to 115°C on a candy thermometer.

Start whisking the egg whites and cream of tartar in a stand mixer until soft peaks form, by which time the coffee syrup should have reached 121°C. Increase mixer to high and slowly pour in the syrup until combined before reducing to medium and whisking until thick, glossy and the bowl just warm to the touch. About fifteen-twenty minutes.

Dollop the meringue on the centre of a lined baking sheet, forming edges with a palette knife to give some solid structural integrity … like our Queen, you dick Philipp Plein. Transfer to the oven, reduce heat to 150°C and bake for an hour. Switch off the oven and leave in the oven to cool.

Transfer to serving platter, top-side down, and peel off the baking paper.

Whip the cream and vanilla until stiff(ish) peaks form before delicately placing over the meringue. Dust with cocoa and devour, greedily, in honour of our rightful victor.

Oh and one last time, fuck you Philipp Plein you fuck.

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Shanitzel Carroll

America's Next Top Model, America's Next Top Model 24, Main, Poultry, TV Recap

Previously on America’s Next Top Model, Tyra sent 15 girls into the finals and straight into Model Manor in the Hollywood Hills. One by one – from Maggie to Ivana, Liz, Rhiyan, Coura, Liberty, Christina, Sandra, Brendi K, Erin and Rio – they left the competition until only four remained. Jeana by the skin of her teeth, after being saved for the second time which was an act of the devil known as Philipp Plein. Shanice came from nothing to be a rising star, Kyla lost herself but found her way by begging for Life Size 2, Khrystyana was a saint we don’t deserve and Jeana, well, she is either getting a militantly aggressive edit or is a huge bitch.

The final four went straight from panel to be ogled and judged by Philipp Plein at the fitting for what I will loosely term his runway. Kyla was quick to congratulate all the girls, Shanice was over it and just wanted a winner to be selected and we got a supercut of Khrystyana winning literally everything. Kyla was nervous to arrive at Philipp Plein, knowing that she isn’t the best at runway and he could cut her at any minute. Jeana on the flipside was super confident since Philipp’s penis really wanted to see her on the runway. Time’s up Philipp, you creep.

Continued to destroy any shred of a decent image, Philipp hated Khrystyana’s walk, specifically calling her a horse a couple of times which managed to erode all the work she has done to build up self-confidence over the years. Shanice was stuck in her head, getting read by both Philipp and Jeana who we can safely confirm are two of the three horsemen of the apocalypse. Speaking of which, Jeana thought flirting constitutes telling him she won his clothes rather than paying for them. In any event, no one got cut which is three goods, one crap.

Back at the house Khrystyana brokedown over how awful Philipp was to her, feeling ugly and not worthy of a place in the competition. Her eyes were still red by the time Tyra Mail arrived announcing their final shoot for their Paper spread.

Thankfully the shoot replaced Philipp with Drew … however he came bearing the bad news that based on Cunty Plein’s feedback, the panel decided to eliminate – not Jeana, gloated Jeana – Shanice from the competition pre-shoot.

While she was heartbroken to find herself cast off the set while a literally demon that has been twice eliminated continued in the competition, she cheered up when she saw me, her dearest friend, waiting for her backstage. Particularly when she noticed the big fat Shanitzel Caroll I was packing.

Soft, tender chicken, a delightfully crunchy crumb, melty sharp cheese, a whack of chilli and a zing of lemon. Do you need anymore reason to head to the kitchen and smash a schnit?

Enjoy!

Shanitzel Carroll
Serves: 2-4, depending on you need for comfort.

Ingredients
2 chicken breast fillets, sliced in half and pounded into 1cm(ish) thick fillets
2 cups panko breadcrumbs
½ cup finely grated parmesan
½ tsp ground chilli
zest of 1 lemon
small handful fresh parsley, roughly chopped
salt and pepper, to taste
1 egg, whisked
milk
flour, for dredging
olive oil spray (because you know frying scares me)
fries or Gabriel Mash to serve

Method
Preheat oven 180°C.

After you’ve pounded the chicken breasts within a centimetre of their life, combine the breadcrumbs, parmesan, chilli, lemon zest and parsley in a bowl with a good whack of salt and pepper. Whisk the milk and egg in another and the flour in a final third bowl.

To assemble, coat the chicken in the flour and dust off any excess. Dip in the egg wash and then straight into the cheesy crumb. Transfer to a lined baking sheet. Repeat the process until all schnitz are crumbed.

Spray the schnitzels with some olive oil and transfer to the oven to bake for twenty-thirty minutes, or until golden and cooked through.

Serve generously with chips and gravy or mashed potato. Or you know, salad, but we all know you don’t make friends with that. So I’d advise devouring with potato of some form.

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Yuhuagurt Hamacaki

Baking, Cake, Dessert, RuPaul's Drag Race, RuPaul's Drag Race 10, Snack, Sweets, TV Recap

Previously on RuPaul’s Drag Race, the queens were tasked with starring in Ru’s latest musical Pharmarusical – choreographed by none other than Queen *tongue pops* Alyssa Edwards – where The Vixen and her team stormed to victory. Meanwhile Monique was forgettable, Kalorie didn’t give enough and Eureka was in her head about her knee, making her lack heart. Thankfully for her she found enough to slay the lip sync and send Kalorie from the competition.

The queens returned to the werk room where Kalorie stuck to Aja’s wishes to keep exit messages kind, before we heard from Eureka who was shook to have been in the bottom two and hopefully lit a fire in her belly. What is with he listing her body parts today? Let’s see how many more I can get, shall we? Kameron, who is the sweetest in addition to being beautiful and talented, congratulated all the queens on a job well done, before The Vixen gladly spoke about her victory in the challenge which she felt was inevitable. This obviously pissed off Aquaria since her best drag look included a borrowed wig. Monet told The Vixen her leadership earned her the win, Monique was disappointed to be in the bottom three – channeling Milk in thinking she deserved to be higher – while The Vixen just felt she needed to do better.

Ru arrived to talk the girls through the next mini-challenge, where they participate in screen tests for his provocative new chocolate bar in fresh off the bus drag. While Miz Cracker, Mayhem, Dusty, Aquaria and The Vixen kinda fell flat, Blair St Clair slayed her audition, Eureka and Kameron brought a few laughs, Monet owned the competition, Yuhua was cute and Monique finally shon. Blair, Monique and Monet won the challenge, making them team captains for the maxi-challenge where they would be required to create ads for RuPaul’s new dating apps – End of Days for doomsday preppers, Fibstr for pathological liars *maybe* looking for love and Madam Buttrface for the queens with banging bods and busted faces.

Blair’s team of Miz Cracker, Eureka and The Vixen got the End of Days app, Monique picked Dusty Ray, Kameron and Mayhem to tackle Fibstr and Monet, Asia, Aquaria and Yahua were tasked with selling Madam Buttrface. Team Fibstr got to work talking through their ideas, well except for Mayhem who was super quiet outside of volunteering to be the narrator. Over at Butterface, Yuhua was on struggle street hating on all of Monet’s ideas without giving any solutions. Meanwhile Blair and End of Days were all about problems, problems and solutions. Eureka focused on eating and fat jokes, much to the chagrin of The Vixen.

Back with the queens of Fibstr, Kameron offered to take over as the narrator since she knew all the lines anyway. While Mayhem was frustrated to lose the role, she stayed completely silent. Meanwhile the Buttrface girls got to work looking fugly as hell, with Asia warting up, Aquaria pilling on noses and Yuhua … putting dots on her face, which feels like a dig at sexy Sideshow Dusty. Asia spoke to Monique about how she is concerned about their performance, which was the perfect time for everyone to notice that Yuhua clearly misunderstood the assignment to look ugly. Monet then decided to chanel the power of the sponge, which isn’t really relevant to the plot … except for the fact all the queens started Vaaaanjie-ing in canon, which gave me life.

Fibstr were up first filming their commercial where Kameron struggled as the narrator – which Mayhem reminded us she could have done better, despite never verbalising that with her team – and Monique directed herself through the shoot like the great producer herself, Alexis Michelle. Side note: new/new-to-me pit crew guy is hot. Mayhem then struggled through her one scene before getting frustrated by Monique’s micromanaging.

Team End of Days tried to avoid letting Michelle know they were nervous before Eureka ignored the rule that drag isn’t a contact sport (amirite, Mimi Imfurst). Blair, Miz and Eureka slayed their performance while The Vixen was just there. Then came Madam Buttrface where Monet owned the narrator role, though was upstaged by Asia who stole the show thanks to Carson’s advice. Yuhua then focused on exercising, which I think she was hoping would have sexual connotations.

The queens returned to the Werk Room to start preparing for the runway where Blair spoke to Eureka about feeling alone in the competition and missing her mum, before Eureka offered to take her under her wing. The Vixen and Aquaria then had some drama over The Vixen borrowing her best-drag wig before a spider caused even more chaos, until Kameron – of course, swoon – caught the spider and released it into the wild. Blair then shared about her religious upbringing and how her parents are super supportive of her career. This made Dusty open up about her own experience in a conservative household, being exorcised for being gay and how traumatic it was. He was told he would never find love, happiness or success as a gay man, leading him to packing up his car and moving out. It was harrowing and is so absurd that we still need to experience these things in the ‘00s … but sadly, some of us do. Aquaria tried to make a joke about joining Monet for brunch before The Vixen continued to come for Aquaria for upsetting her. This led to Aquaria excusing herself from the Werk Room while the other queens tried to get The Vixen to calm down and be the bigger person.

Pausing the drama my love Nico – and dear friend Courtney Love, who I really need to see soon – joined RuCo on the judging table where they were gagged by the feather runway. Blair looked cute if not boring, Miz Cracker delivered a tribute to her deceased friend, Eureka slayed in crow-Ursula realness, The Vixen made a beautiful peacock, Monique looked like a gorgeous phoenix and Mayhem looked good but kinda left me bored. Dusty looked ok, Kameron looked perfect, Monet brought glamour and then Asia owned everyone dressed as Tweety Bird. Yuhua came out flanked by crows while Aquaria was an injured dove. The End of Days commercial was hilarious, Kameron and Mayhem were unwhelming or non-existent in the Fibstr ad while Asia completely owned the Buttrface commercial.

Blair, Eureka and Asia placed in the top while Kameron, Mayhem and Yuhua landed in the bottom. While the judges were conflicted about her outfit, they loved the way she lead her team and slayed the performance. Nico fanned out over Eureka with Michelle excited she finally joined the competition, slaying the performance and runway. While the judges loved her runway look, it couldn’t overcome her lack of role in the commercial. The judges asked if she spoke up about her concerns, which she admitted she didn’t and it was ultimately on her. The judges adored Kameron’s look with Nico shocked he was in the bottom, while Michelle quickly pointed out it was her beige performance in the ad. Asia deservedly received universal praise for her runway and performance in the commercial. Yuhua was called out for being confused on the runway and for performing horribly in the challenge.

Asia obviously took out victory, while Blair and Eureka were given their orders to use their feet – I forgot I was listing Eureka’s body parts, ok – to join the safe girls. Kameron’s killer runway ultimate saved her from the bottom two, leaving Mayhem and Yuhua to battle it out to Celebrity Skin. While Yuhua tried her best to bring rocker-chick to the stage – complete with air guitar – Mayhem owned the performance from the very first note, channeling the years of auditioning into saving herself. Then she added some shady moves at Yuhua and ripping feathers out of her dress when Courtney sang about people wanting a part of her and it was over – Mayhem was saved and Yuhua was given her marching orders.

Given Yuhua is so delightful, she wasn’t too heartbroken when I found her in the Werk Room packing up. As with most of the NYC queens, Yuhua and I have been friends for a couple of years after meeting through Bob. I was his less photogenic assistant when he was prepping for season 8, so spent a lot of time with Yuhua while collecting looks and we became the fastest of friends with our wild sense of humour. As such, we quickly started getting crazy in the Werk Room as evidenced by her Untucked exit where she was hopped up on sugar … in the form of my Yuhuagurt Hamacaki.

Light and fluffy, sweet and sticky and full of warm, exploding pockets of raspberry, this yoghurt cake is so good. And moist. So, so moist. Like, more moist than I am when Kameron and Dusty are on screen at the same time.

Enjoy!

Yuhuagurt Hamacaki
Serves: 8-12.

Ingredients
¾ cup vegetable oil
2 eggs, whisked
2 lemon, zested and juiced, 1 tablespoon juice reserved for the icing
1 cup Greek yoghurt
1 ½ cups raw caster sugar
2 cups flour
1 tbsp baking powder
1 cup raspberries
1 cup icing sugar
1 tsp boiling water

Method
Preheat oven to 160ºC.

Whisk the oil, eggs, zest, juice, yoghurt and caster sugar in a large bowl, and combine the flour and baking powder in another. Fold the dry into the wet and stir until just combined before folding through the raspberries.

Grease a non-stick bundt tin and pour the batter into it, smoothing the top. Transfer to the oven and bake for 45 minutes, or until golden and an inserted skewer comes out clean. Allow to stand in the tin for ten minutes before transferring to a cooling rack and allowing to cool completely.

Meanwhile combine the icing sugar, extra lemon juice and boiling water in a bowl to form a thick glaze. Pour over the bundt and allow to drip down the sides before slicing, serving and devouring.

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Bradley Chilakleiheges

Main, Side, Snack, Street Food, Survivor, Survivor: Ghost Island, TV Recap

Previously on Survivor, the latest iteration of Malolo continued to challenge Ulong for the title of worst tribe ever, much to Jacob’s chagrin I assume. After losing let another immunity challenge, Michael and James found themselves on the bottom of Malolo 3.0 with the babin’ baby turning on his ally James to save himself and sending him from the game, though that firmly left Michael on the bottom of the tribe.

And oh how I’d bottom for Michael.

Malolo awoke to another day of misery on their cursed turf with Michael in desperate need of some comfort after turning on his idol. Instead of turning to me for a cuddle or something, he went searching for another idol to get him further. While Angela tried to keep an eye on him, it seems neither she nor Des learnt anything from Ben last season as they let him continue until he found an idol. Ozzy’s iconic fucking stick to be specific. Can you believe how amazing it must feel to have two of the three most iconic immunity idol (related) things in one season?

Michael then shove the stick in his pants and it instantly made me hope he could do some damage with it. To me.

The tribes reconvened for Malolo’s next loss, this time for reward. Each tribe member would be required to hold a hope to balance a platform on which they’d be required to do a block-puzzle spelling reward. What is at stake? Steak and kebabs for first, kebabs for second and a member of Malolo banished to Ghost Island for losing. Naviti and Yanuya got out to an early lead, until Naviti dropped their entire stack and had to start again. Yanuya then dropped and Malolo for the first time ever, wait no, they dropped to. Naviti once again took the, followed by Yanuya while Malolo bickered amongst themselves. Ultimately Donathan secured victory for Naviti, despite Bradley yelling at him while he balanced the final block. Yanuya, obviously, came in second – I came in first after Chris’ nip slip … I’m thirsty today apparently, sorry – and Naviti decided to send Kellyn back to Ghost Island to maintain the mystery. Much to Kellyn’s pain.

Now making her second trip to Ghost Island, Kellyn was feeling a little bit calmer about the experience and once again had the chance to gamble for a prize. This time Kellyn had a two in three chance in taking out an advantage, so went for it and ultimately secured herself an extra vote in the form of Sarah’s Game Changers vote steal which she used to vote out Michaela ironically, since it was at Michaela’s feet for an entire challenge. While it is only an extra vote this time, that is hopefully enough to take Kellyn to the next level.

Back at Naviti the tribe were thrilled to win another challenge and get to enjoy a barbecue. Well four of them were thrilled, Bradley was busy failing in his attempts to not be a dick and barked and clapped at Donathan to do things. This pissed everyone off, including his ally Chelsea who looked set to blindside Bradley with the other three, if they lose the next challenge. Which I hope doesn’t happen because we haven’t had a delicious villain since Abi-Maria, let’s be honest.

Meanwhile over at Yanuya, the tribe was happy with their second place feast and continued to live in harmony without the oppressive rule of Bradley. They then sung Wendell’s girlfriend happy birthday and settled in for a post-lunch nap, while King Wendell went searching for an idol. He then found a clue directing him to the idol, which he quickly found. And to make the entire situation even better, said idol is the immunity necklace in Micronesia that Erik gave up to Natalie before she, Parvati, Cirie and Amanda voted him straight out. That, my friends, completes the trio of most iconic immunities in Survivor history. I don’t want to oversell the situation, but between this and the fucking stick this is the best episode ever.

Back at Malolo Angela, Des and Michael grew tired of living at the cursed camp, picking through scraps to get a tiny amount of food. Delirious from starvation, Des then led the tribe in burning the tribe flag and anything that mentioned the M word in the hope of reversing the latest cursed.

The tribes reconvened with Kellyn at the latest immunity challenge to inform Probst that they focused on reversing the curse and filled them in on the sacrificial burning. Whether it works though is yet to be seen, given how physical the challenge is. Each tribe member would swim out to a wall one by one, climb over and jump into the water to collect rings which they will use to throw on a hard rod at the end. Yanuya got out to an early lead followed closely by Naviti … until Michael dominated – swoon – Dom and took them into second place. Chris and Wendell were adept at landing rings on their rods and maintained their lead while Donathan took Naviti back into second place … until Michael got involved and caught things up. Yanuya ultimately took out victory while Michael and Donathan battled for second place with Michael finally securing immunity, breaking the curse and sending Bradley and his punching bags to tribal council.

Nobody but Bradley and his mini-mouth seemed all that bothered to be going to tribal council. While Domenick apologised for being responsible for the loss, everyone made quick work of letting him off the hook … except for Bradley who flagged his coffee reason as a potential reason for sucking. Domenick was tempted to keep him around as a goat, but couldn’t figure out whether or not he could justify it. Despite the vibe I was picking up, Bradley was confident an OG Malolo would be going home, selecting Libby as his number one target. Thankfully Chelsea took that information back to Libby and spearheaded the campaign to get rid of Bradley. She then joined Domenick to discuss their options, unsure who is the least trustworthy slash friendly. Here’s an idea, talk to Donathan and Libby and get them to join you in a lie that Bradley was idolled out of the game and hide their alliance from everyone? But anyway.

At tribal council Jeff was quick to bring up the battle between OG Naviti and Malolo, which Domenick tried to deflect in the most ambiguous way possible. While Donathan and Libby admitting to being nervous, Bradley highlighted just how little self-awareness he had while talking about how cohesive and friendly the tribe are. Donathan wasn’t buying it, bringing up that he and Libby betrayed Domenick and he is concerned that may backfire on them. Libby spoke about it being a decision to be loyal to her alliance while Bradley jumped in to offer a counter-point to her opinion. Probst then asked Chel … no Bradley still wanted to talk about how non-argumentative he is. Domenick and Chelsea then ominously spoke about people being likeable, Libby spoke about wanting the vote to solidify an alliance moving into the merge and Bradley looked as bored as Camilla at the Commonwealth Games Opening Ceremony.

As the votes rolled in Bradley’s mood went from disinterested to shock and ultimately to gritted-teeth rage thinly veiled as admiration as he became the seventh person booted from the game. While I didn’t want him to succeed at the game, which I told him as he entered Loser Lodge as the final pre-boot player, I truly will miss how complex a villain he made. Plus, I have some of the self-awareness he lacks and can tell that he came across exactly how I would if I ever accepted the begging of LaPaglia and Probst to join a cast.

Anyway, I berated him, then hugged him and then thanked him for bringing some good villainy back to the game, rather than the Hantz-esque trope that keeps getting repeated. We laughed, we cried, we lamented him needing to find a nice girl – like Kellyn, for instance – and then got down to smashing some Bradley Chilakleiheges.

While chilaquiles aren’t overly fancy, they are insanely delicious. Tortillas cooked until tender in salsa, slathered with cheese. Do you need me to say more? Well I added chicken, so yeah, if you wanted more … you got it.

Enjoy!

Bradley Chilakleiheges
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
olive oil
1 chicken breast, roughly chopped
1 small onion, diced
4 garlic cloves, minced
2 chipotle chillis in adobo, roughly chopped
800g crushed tomatoes
1 cup chicken stock
salt and pepper, to taste
2 cups Tortea Leoni Chips
100g queso fresco
coriander leaves, to garnish

Method
Heat a lug of oil in a large skillet over medium heat and brown the chicken for a couple of minutes. Add the onion and garlic and cook for a further couple of minutes, or until softened. Stir through the chilli, tomatoes and stock and bring to the boil. Once rollicking, reduce to low and simmer for about fifteen minutes or until thickened. Season to taste.

Stir through the Tortea Leoni Chips and cook for a minute before serving, covered in queso fresco and coriander. And devouring.

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Indian Shants

America's Next Top Model, America's Next Top Model 24, Main, TV Recap

Previously on America’s Next Top Model, Tyra brought all the girls back – well except for quitters Liz and Brendi K – to compete for the chance to return to the competition. Yes – all the girls … minus those two. I’m talking Maggie, Ivana, Rhiyan, Coura, Liberty, Christina, Sandra, Erin and even Jeana returned to take the place of one of the girls. Rio slowly unravelled throughout the entire episode, taking a horrible photo and finding herself out of the competition and replaced by her friend turned foe Jeana.

We arrived back at the model house where it was time for Kyla, Shanice and Khrystyana to celebrate arriving in the true final four. I assume, not really caring which of the demon twins was joining them. While they were a solidified, friendly unit, they had interest in Jeana and her attitudes return. Given she vowed to be savage upon her return, I still don’t blame them. Shanice then shared that she let herself down last week and had kind of just given up, though was galvanised to work through the final challenges and make something of herself and do her family proud. Khrystyana then spoke about how much she loves and needs her mother, how proud she wanted to make her and damnit, girl – I’m crying! She then couldn’t share that she had been molested as a child and broke down and damn, I can’t.

The next day the models were summoned to a carnival, or so they thought … it was actually a shoot for Pantene. The girls were given four different products – a foam, moisturising conditioner, a speedy miracle and a volumising conditioner for Jeana’s human hair wigs – and tasked with styling and directing their own shoot. Jeana then selected a wig that looked exactly like Khrystyana’s hair, before styling her make-up the same way and using the same props. But she is sweet yo, and is too busy to notice. Kyla slayed her ethereal shoot, as did an adorably bossy Khrystyana, Shanice relied on props similar to the queens Michelle hates that rely on their body and Jeana, well, thought she did well but kinds just looked dead.

The top four were then tasked with selecting their best photo where Kyla struggled as she couldn’t sell the product to herself and felt like she failed. They then delivered their photos to the client, where they were all praised … except for Kyla, who Pantene had wished selected a photo with the feather. Ultimately Khrystyana continued her dominance, winning the challenge and given a secret reward to share with the girl of her choosing. She chose Kyla, FYI.

Back at the house Jeana continued her reign of terror, laying into Kyla for talking like a baby while lamenting her confusion about the point of the challenge. Thankfully the editors are shady as hell and cut to Khrystyana talking about how proud she is off her dominance and how desperately she wants to stop Jeana from getting any further. Even Shanice complaining about her psoraiacis being more difficult than Jeana donning a wig, looked tame compared to Jeana being a demon.

The next day the girls were surprised by the arrival of Kyla and Khrystyana’s mothers. While the former immediately put her mother to work making beds and cleaning the house, Khrystyana took her mother aside to finally share with her about her molestation. Her mother was sweet and fiercely protective and it was all beautiful.

After the mother’s disappeared, the final for four arrived at their editorial shoot for the week promoting the same products from earlier. Better yet, the winning shot would ultimately form part of their prize and become a campaign for Pantene. Backstage Khrystyana was feeling confident until she noticed that once again Jeana had selected the same hair colour as her again. And based off the side-eye Jeana kept throwing, it was completely deliberate and she is the absolute worst.

Khrystyana went first and absolutely slayed the shoot – and vowed to outshine Jeana, which duh, she will – until Jeana walked over and played mind games while mimicking her entire shoot like a deranged psycho. Kyla was up next and powered through her long neck, and completely embodied the Pantene personality and looked beautiful. Shanice finally got her makeover look and looked stunning. That in turn gave her confidence and she looked great albeit terrified. Thankfully wicked Jeana struggled through the shoot, desperate to bring sex to the shoot rather than the everywoman look of Pantene. She however loved it, making me uber excited for her second fall.

At panel Shanice quickly got to work thirsting over guest judge Philipp Plein before Tyra dropped the bomb that he joined the panel to help select which girls would go on to become the final three and walk in his runway as the final challenge. While Shanice looked beautiful in her shot, the judges couldn’t agree whether it was a good or bad photo. Jeana was universally despised and was read for being way too sexy. Well except for Philipp Plein who just came off as thirsty. Kyla absolutely slayed and looked like a box for hair dye, while Khrystyana looked sexy though was able to overcome it because of the innocence she brought to it. Ultimately, Kyla took out best photo, followed by Khrystyana leaving Shanice and Jeana to fight for the last slot in the final runway. Thank f- Tyra handed the final photo to Shanice, eliminating Jeana from the competition again …

Oh, wait! Nope. Philipp Plein’s boner save Jeana yet again, earning her a free ticket to the final show. Though obviously she will get a fourth place finish, right? RIGHT.

Conveniently I was watching the episode with the current reigning top model and my dear friend India Gants, so you don’t have to go without a recipe. You’re welcome. India was a stand out last season with her down-to-earth personality, kindness and ability to take insane pictures. As such, she and I are backing a win by Khrystyana next week … though wouldn’t discount Kyla taking it out after slaying Pantene. Jeana is dead in the water, obvi, and Shanice is a winner just by making the top three. It was exhausting catching-up, running the odds and plotting the next in her career, so it was lucky I had a big vat of Indian Shants ready to go.

Spicy, hot and completely soothing, this rich curry is the best – and dare I say it, only – way to eat shanks. The meat crumbles, the curry burns and the raita cures all that ails ya’ – perfection.

Enjoy!

Indian Shants
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
olive oil
salt and pepper, to taste
4 lamb shanks
2 onions, sliced
3 cloves
3 dried chillies
6 garlic cloves, crushed
1 tbsp minced ginger
2 cinnamon quills
2 tsp ground turmeric
2 tsp ground cardamom
2 tsp ground cumin
2 tsp ground coriander
1 tbsp hot curry powder
400g crushed tomatoes
400ml coconut milk
500ml chicken stock
rice, Joe Manngo Chutney, fresh coriander and yoghurt or raita, to serve

Method
Preheat oven to 160°C.

Place a dutch oven over medium high heat with a good lug of oil. Once nice and hawt, season the shanks to taste and seal the meat for about five minutes. Remove from the pan and allow to rest.

Reduce heat to low and cook the onion for a couple of minutes, or until just starting to get translucent. Add the cloves, chillies, garlic, ginger, cinnamon, turmeric, cardamom, cumin, coriander and curry powder and cook for a minute to release the flavours. Stir through the crushed tomatoes, coconut milk and stock, and bring to the boil. Once rollicking, add the shanks, add water until they are just covered – you may not need any – cover and place in the oven to simmer for two hours.

Once your entire house smells glorious, remove from the oven and transfer the shanks to a plate and keep warm. Place the dutch oven over a medium heat on the stove and cook until the sauce has reduced.

Serve the shanks immediately on a bed of rice, slathered generously in sauce, yoghurt/raita, chutney and coriander.

Devour.

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Babkalorie Karbdashian Williams

Baking, Bread, Dessert, RuPaul's Drag Race, RuPaul's Drag Race 10, Snack, Sweets, TV Recap

Previously on RuPaul’s Drag Race, 14 new queens descending on a new Werk Room for a new season where Ru quickly tasked them with the creating a look using 99c store wonders aka the drag on a dime challenge. Aka the first ever drag race challenge. Twins Aquaria and Miz Cracker seemed to have issues, the former more so than the latter before Kalorie Karbdashian Williams and Vanessa Vanjie Mateo landed in the bottom two, and poor Alexis’ girl becoming the first person out.

Miss Vanjie. Miss Vanjie. Banjie. BAMjie. We want you to come back home baby …

Miss Vaaaaaaaaanjie.

The surviving queens returned to the Werk Room to discover the notes are not as aggressive as All Stars 3. The queens then reminisced about everyone’s passion for repeating Miss Vanjie before Monet broke things up by protesting her safe placement ala Milk. Thankfully Asia has a bit of her daughter’s spark, telling her she is delusional and that if no one got what she was going for, it clearly wasn’t very good. Things then took a turn with The Vixen stoking the fire between Aquaria and Miz Cracker, with Aquaria back-pedalling and Miz Cracker just not giving a shit since she was in the top and Aquaria wasn’t.

Kalorie and Eureka lead the queens back the next day by threatening to eat people, which I assume is sexually. Before we could find out, Ru arrived with King of the Housewives Andy Cohen himself to lord over a quick-drag ho-down mini-challenge, Hay Girl Hay. Just as an aside, Kameron and Dusty are still hot as shit and I feel that is important we note.I mean, Kameron in quick drag could almost turn me straight. Anyway the queens broke it down, with The Vixen, Kameron – swoon – Asia and Aquaria turning it out. Oh and Blair, that little girl brought matriarch realness.

Andy and Ru crowned Asia and The Vixen as the winners of the mini challenge, which came with the prize of leading teams in Ru’s latest musical PharmaRusical – a parody lip sync extravaganza of the terror of US drug ads. Asia selected Aquaria, Monique Heart, Dusty, Yuhua and Kalorie, up against The Vixen, Kameron, Miz Cracker, Monet, Blair and Mayhem. That left Eureka to select her own team, joining Asia’s much to her chagrin given that she never shuts the hell up.

The groups split up and got to work going through their scripts and selecting roles, with Vixen taking charge of her group and ignoring everyone’s preferences. Which Monet hated. Meanwhile Eureka was already rubbing Asia the wrong way, constantly talking throughout their rehearsal and not listening. Asia, of course, then lead the team to choreograph the routine so they have something when they meet the choreographer. Well, when Eureka was done talking. Meanwhile The Vixen’s team had done outfits and were really happy with that, until they saw how well the other team were doing it. Ru returned to check in on the teams, with Asia’s rightly feeling extremely confident. He then brought up Eureka’s injury, bringing up some more PTSD for the chatty Cathy of the group. On the flipside The Vixen’s team felt close to death.

Team Asia arrived on the mainstage to discover the one and only Alyssa Edwards would be choreographing the musical – ding dong Todrick, amirite – with the queen of the Haus of Edwards thrilled to hear they’ve come prepared. After throwing some shade at Charlie Hides for being lifeless, Alyssa worked those queens OUT and forced them to drink her go-go juice and high-kick their lives away. While most of them nailed it, Ms Karbdashian and Eureka struggled. Backstage Kameron was wondering why she was first to be selected with The Vixen explaining that she needed quiet people who would work. Again, swoon. The Vixen and Miz Cracker then spoke about the drama between her and Aquaria with The Vixen explaining she just wants them to clear the air rather than be shady.

The Vixen’s team were delighted to discover Alyssa Edwards would be doing choreographer, while she was hella disappointed since they had nothing prepared. While they assured her they had prepared characterisation, she was not convinced and felt extremely concerned about their performance. Despite being a Broadway Baby, Blair couldn’t seem to land her legs making Alyssa and the girls even more anxious. To the point Alyssa gave them a pep talk to try and motivate them, making me wish that I could be a part of the Haus of Edwards and hear those on the daily. Back in the Werk Room Eureka started to get in her head and felt like nobody wanted her in the team, breaking down about not bringing it. This obviously annoyed Asia who just wanted to focus on the damn challenge.

The queens arrived the next day, ready to slay their performances. Well, The Vixen’s team were kinda just hoping to survive the performance at best. Dusty spoke about her concern that Michelle won’t like her make-up and will call out her dots, before Kalorie turned things dark sharing about her experiences being bullied in High School. I mean, there was a cup of piss thrown at her and it sounded horrific though thankfully Jujubee inspired her and she pulled through. Yas, Jujubee, the hero we don’t deserve.

Despite nailing their rehearsal team Asia struggled due to Eureka’s inability to hit any of the lyrics and Kalorie and monique, who were just there. That being said, the rest of the queens slayed, Dusty in particular. On the flipside, everyone on The Vixen’s team turned it the hell out. Again, Kameron is beautiful. Despite that, The Vixen and Mayhem owned it.

The queens had to bring their best drag to the main stage where Asia, Dusty, The Vixen, Miz Cracker and Kameron – obvi – slayed, Monique served muppet realness, while Yuhua, Eureka and Kalorie bombed in their bodysuits. Team Vixen rightfully snagged the win, with The Vixen winning the challenge – though Kameron kinda deserved it, no? – and Team Asia up for elimination. Asia and Dusty received universal praise (ish for Asia), Yuhua’s performance was adored while her outfit was read for filth, on the flipside Monique and Aquaria slayed the runway but bombed the rusical and Kalorie and Eureka were read for filth entirely, with the latter completely breaking down from stress. Obviously that lead to Kalorie and Eureka lip syncing, and forced to eat each other rather than the skinny girls. Despite bombing the lip sync extravaganza, Eureka nailed every single lyric and felt the entire song … ultimately destroying Kalorie and sending her out of the competition in tears.

It was hard to see Kalorie so heartbroken when she joined me backstage, so I bit my tongue when I was close to telling her I was expecting to see her. I held her close, told her New Mexico would be proud of her for just making the show and pulled out my showstopping Babkalorie Karbdashian Williams to turn the mood around.

I love bread, I love chocolate and I love peanut butter – name a more iconic trio, TBH – so we you combine them together … then plait and bake, the only thing you can feel is joy.

Enjoy!

Babkalorie Karbdashian Williams
Serves: 8-10.

Ingredients
½ cup milk, warmed to 35-40°C
7g dry yeast
¼ cup raw caster sugar, plus 2 tablespoons
3 eggs
2 cups flour, plus ¼ cup extra
½ tsp salt
110g unsalted butter, room temperature, cut into pieces
¼ cup butter, melted
100g chocolate
2 tbsp crunchy peanut butter
1 tsp cinnamon
2 tbsp muscovado sugar
1 tbsp double cream

Method
Combine the milk and yeast in a jug with a pinch of sugar and leave to foam for five minutes or so. Meanwhile whisk two eggs in a bowl with the raw caster sugar until smooth, before adding the foamy yeast.

Combine the flour and salt and pour in the egg mixture, mixing with the dough hook of a stand mixer until everything is wet. Transfer hook and bowl to the mixer, and knead while adding the cubed butter piece by piece. When all the butter has been added, knead for ten minutes or so or until the dough in smooth and elastic. Transfer to a greased bowl, cover and leave to prove for two hours or until doubled, then transfer to the fridge to chill for an hour.

Preheat oven to 180°C.

Combine half the melted butter with the chocolate, peanut butter, 1 tbsp raw caster sugar, ½ tsp cinnamon and a pinch of salt in a saucepan and melt over a double boiler until combined. Remove from heat and allow to cool.

Transfer the chill dough to a lightly floured surface and roll into a 40x30cm rectangle and spread with the peanut butter and chocolate filling. Roll up along the long edge to form a long roll – so descriptive, no? Cut log in half and pull to stretch slightly before placing them next to each other. Cross one log over the other in the middle to form an x before twisting each end twice to form a long braid. Transfer to a lined bread pan and leave to prove for half an hour.

While the bread is proving, combine the muscovado sugar and flour with the remaining caster sugar, cinnamon and butter and stir to combine. Whisk the egg and cream to combine. When the babka has risen, brush with the egg wash, scatter with streusel and transfer to the oven to back for 45 minutes, or until golden.

Remove from the oven and allow to cool in the pan for fifteen minutes before turning into on a wire rack and allowing to cool completely.

Then cut into slices and devour.

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James Limon Chicken Piccata

Main, Poultry, Survivor, Survivor: Ghost Island, TV Recap

Previously on Survivor, the war between Chris and Domenick raged on Naviti with Chris and Angela firmly on the outs. Meanwhile over at Malolo, the OG Navitians had control with Bradley and his little mouth leading the charge against Jenna, Michael – swoon – and Stephanie, with the latter swiftly kicked from the game as the fifth boot.

Probsty decided to open the show back up the next day by summoning the tribes for a reward challenge – PSYCH – the tribes were switching up, much to Bradley’s dismay and Wendell’s delight. Michael felt the impending swap was a saving grace for he and Jenna, while James and his tragically loose pants seemed concerned or happy. I’m not exactly sure TBH.

Jiffy handed out new buffs with Chris, Jenna, Sebastian, Wendell and Laurel discovering they would form the new green tribe Yanuya. Tragically Naviti had a numbers advantage on each tribe, with Bradley’s baby-lips and Chelsea joining Donathan, Domenick and Libby on new-new Naviti and Angela and James joining Des, Kellyn and Michael on new Malolo. Bradley was obviously feeling uneasy, not sure which alliances would hold out while Donathan – bless – was just happy to make new friends. Sebastian and the rest of the Yanuya were mostly concerned about having to start from scratch on a new beach.

We joined them back at the camp flag and despite not having anything else, they were feeling excited about their chances. Jenna was ready to win, Wendell had packed Sebastian’s perfect shell – not a euphemism – and reunited them and everything was coming up Milhouse. Sebastian was touched by the gesture and was excited to form a relationship away from the Chris and Domenick feud they were stuck behind. Chris then let everyone know how athletic and fantastic he is, over and over, though to be honest with nips like that, he can say whatever he wants. Even using the word beneficiary in the wrong way. Laurel, bless her, just tried her best not to call him out as long as they continued winning.

Over at new Malolo Michael, James and Kellyn were feeling confident, though Des was not as excited, unsure whether Angela would band with the girls to continue the Malolo slaughter. Angela and James then shared the continued feud of Domenick and Chris, and how she would have been a casualty of it had it not been for the heroics of Malolo, throwing Kellyn and Des into a panic. James and Michael reconnected, and felt they would be able to swing Angela. Maybe. Michael’s peach … DAY-YUM.

We then checked in with new Naviti where Bradley was cautiously optimistic about his position, sticking with Chelsea and reunited with Domenick. He and Chelsea then had a cup of coffee and for the first time we heard from the latter, who was moved by the coffee after the continual losses on Malolo. Domenick then shared how excited he was to finally be free of Chris, though it seems Libby has replaced him in his eyes as he cast her as public enemy number one. He spoke to Bradley about his concerns with Libby and her insincerity, leading to Bradley bringing out his cockiness again while talking about reconnecting with Domenick, playing everyone and his A+ game in general – legit quote, FYI – and I’m so excited for his impending downfall.

Jiffy Pop returned for the first immunity as new tribes where they would each have a caller direct blindfolded pairs of tribe members to find puzzle pieces and then solve said puzzle … still blindfolded. Aka the most brutal challenge of all time and I can’t wait to see people get smacked in the crotch like a teen movie! Des, Wendell and Domenick were calling for their tribes with Wendell getting Yanuya out to an early lead. Des then caught things up and took the lead as Donathan and Chelsea tried to secure pieces for Malolo instead of Naviti. Chris’ butt looked great, Michael may have learnt his jocks had holes as he wore boardies … before axing himself, Libby got smacked in the face, Michael and James then ran into a barrel and against all odds, Malolo got to the puzzle table first. Yanuya and Naviti made a beeline for the puzzle table – after Chelsea ran face-first into a pole – and things evened up pretty quickly. Well, until they discovered Wendell forgot a bag of puzzle pieces. The callers then guided a blindfolded pair of castaways to solve the puzzle, with Yanuya somehow taking victory followed by Naviti with Malolo heading back to tribal despite Kellyn doing her best, Des.

Despite feeling like he was creating a new curse after attending all but one tribal council this season, Michael got to work trying to find an in with the tribe. Given Des was feeling solely responsible for the loss and started to breakdown, maybe he had a chance. Kellyn checked in with Des to see whether she was still ok to get rid of James, which she obviously was, despite knowing it should be her. James and Michael got together in the water to find a way to save themselves, with James tasked with pulling Angela over to their side. James then shared that immigrating from Korea had given him the skills to form new relationships quickly, and assured Angela that he and Michael have her back and that Des was the best person to take out. Kellyn then checked in with Angela to see if she was still with the OG Navitians, however she wasn’t giving much away leaving Kellyn to feel sick as they headed off for tribal.

At tribal Jeff got to work rubbing salt in their wounds, calling them one of the worst tribes in Survivor history – ya’ hear, Jacob? Des shared how heartbreaking the loss was, as she felt this could have been her moment and instead she blew it. Probst reminded James that he had been in a similar situation, which he quickly danced around, as did Kellyn. Not Angela though, she thought that sometimes you strike out and you have to live with that. Des countered that getting rid of strength would actually be a better idea, given the merge is likely happening very soon. Obviously Michael disagreed given he has been to most of the tribal councils this season and felt it was still a short sighted plan.

Kellyn tried to make everything about OG tribal lines before James destroyed her argument, sharing that the tribes are random and don’t really matter. After Michael shared he leads with his heart – swoon – James, Des and Angela went head and Kellyn – bless – said her gut was the perfect mix of the two, the tribe got to voting and poor James was sent from the game as the sixth boot.

While he was super positive and calm when I caught up him at Loser Lodge, I could tell that deep down James was disappointed to go pre-jury. I assume because he fears it means no one will ever want to date him. Thankfully I allayed those fears while making a move, followed by a delicious James Limon Chicken Piccata.

If ten year old Ben heard what I’m about to say, he would repeatedly slap me and probably make a glass of Milo for the sole purpose of throwing it in my face … but this dish sings because of the delightful capers. I mean, sure, they’re just horribly salty fruits, but when you add in the lemon and parsley, you’ve got perfection.

Enjoy!

James Limon Chicken Piccata
Serves: 2.

Ingredients
2 chicken breasts, pounded until 1cm thin and then sliced in half
1 cup flour
salt and pepper, to taste
¼ cup unsalted butter
olive oil
2 lemons, juiced and zested
½ cup chicken stock
¼ cup capers, rinsed
small handful of parsley, roughly chopped

Method
Combine the flour with a good whack of salt and pepper, and dredge the chicken to coat.

Place a large skillet over high heat and melt the butter with a good lug of oil, and cook the chicken a couple of pieces at a time for a couple of minutes each side or until cooked through. Transfer to a plate and repeat until done.

Add the juice and zest, stock and capers to the pan and bring to the boil for five minutes, or until reduced and fragrant. Season, add the chicken and cook for a couple of minutes to release the flavours. Remove from the heat and add the parsley.

Serve immediately with some mash and doused in sauce.

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Rio Summers Fruit Tart

America's Next Top Model, America's Next Top Model 24, Baking, Snack, Sweets, TV Recap, Vegetarian

Previously on America’s Next Top Model, the girls created avatars in the ANTM mobile game leading to Jeana being pissed about her lack of personality. Feeling the pressure, she then dived into Shanice and Khrystyana’s shoot, or so they thought, leading to some drama before Director X cleared things up at panel. Sadly it wasn’t enough to save her, with Khrystyana taking out best photo again and Jeana booted from the competition.

The top four returned to the house to celebrate Khrystyana’s 600th first call out, and for Kyla and Shanice, the demise of Jeana. Rio then shared a beautiful note that Jeana left her following her departure, though was thankful she was gone as her odds just got better. Khrystyana offered to have her join them in the other bedroom, though she didn’t want to give up her big bed and while I get it, ugh Rio. Tyra Mail arrived and warned the girls that it was throwback week and they’d have to recreate a past challenge, leading to a shit tonne of speculation and Rio and Shanice sharing their pride about how far they’ve come.

The next day the girls joined Ashley, Drew and Law to learn that they would be recreating the cycle 16 bubble runway of death. Stacey McKenzie returned to help the girls through the challenge before they dropped the bombshell that the eliminated queens – no quitters – would be returning to compete for a place in the new top four. The girls all reconnected, well except for Jeana and Rio as the latter was feeling frosty about her potential return, particularly if it is at the cost of her place. Law then told the girls that only the four best eliminated queens would temporarily move back into the house and compete to return after the shoot.

Rio struggled in the ball according to Jeana, though she did kill it so maybe she is an authority. All of the other girls seemed to struggle, even Queen Khrystyana, except for Christina, Kyla, Erin and Liberty. Erin took out victory in the challenge and was given a ticket back into the house, along with Liberty, Christina and Jeana much to the chagrin of Rio. Lol.

The potential returnees were feeling unloved back at the house, with Jeana really hurt by Rio icing her out as it triggered her memories of being bullied and isolated in school. Christina joined the OG top four from Rio mid-rant, before she vowed to raise hell if she is the one to be eliminated. Rio then took her rage next level, moving out of her beloved big bed and into the room with her fellow never-eliminees behind Jeana’s back. Seriously, Rio is losing it and it is scary but also glorious.

The models then arrived to recreate tarantula shoot from Cycle 3, posing with Eva who won that cycle and shot by former judge, all around babe and noted fashion photographer Nigel Barker. The final four were paired with one of the potential returnees, Erin with Khrystyana, Liberty and Kyla, and obviously the drama pairs of Christina and Shanice – who felt safer with the tarantula – and Rio and Jeana. Liberty didn’t love the spider, though loved the experience with Nige. Erin was terrified and Khrystyana was annoyed that that made her have to suffer through more time with the spider. Erin then pulled out all stops and posed with the spider on her face. Eva pulled Jeana aside to talk her through the shoot, pissing off Rio who felt the entire thing was fake. Jeana then went on to dominate the shoot while Rio couldn’t get out of her head and looked weak as hell. Shanice then struggled the entire shoot while Christina completely dominated.

The girls arrived at panel where Tyra warned them all that Eva looked fierce in all the photos and they had better hope they brought it. Christina and Shanice were up first with Christina’s photo receiving universal praise and Shanice getting read for filth, though she admitted she hated the entire thing and wasn’t surprised. Rio and Jeana were up next with Jeana praised for owning the shoot and coming back to slay, while they felt Rio was lost and just floating through the competition. Liberty was praised for looking rich, while was no competition for Kyla whose photo was gorgeous. Khrystyana had a rare stumble and while Erin’s photo looked terrible, she was praised for owning the runway.

Kyla received best photo – though it kind of felt like it was by default – followed by Khrystyana, leaving Shanice, who has grown throughout the competition, and Rio, who has plateaued. As such Shanice was given a reprieve, despite the weaker photo and poor Rio was eliminated from the competition. With that Tyra turned her attention to the eliminated girls, with Jeana earning her place back in the competition much to rage of Shanice, Kyla and Khrystyana.

Now like Jeana last week, I know I’ve been harsh on Rio and while I did scream at her and let her know just how disappointed I was by her attitude, this week kind of showed just how much the competition had gotten to them both. While Jeana had the chance to reflect after her brief elimination, Rio couldn’t process losing and highlighted how desperate she was for the title. She cried, I held her tight – did I mention I was conducting clinical trials in the hospital she received treatment at and motivated her to take up modelling? Because I did – and sweetened the deal of her loss with a big fat slice of Rio Summers Fruit Tart.

Sweet, fresh and a little bit tart, this is the perfect reflection of her narrative arc on the show. From beloved to reviled, she brought it every week and TBH, this is the kind of tart you’ll want to devour every damn week.

Enjoy!

Rio Summers Fruit Tart
Serves: 8.

Ingredients
150g cold unsalted butter, plus 115g at room temperature
250g flour
50g icing sugar
salt, to taste
1 tsp vanilla extract
3 eggs, at room temperature
milk, optional (dependent on size of the egg, really)
½ cup raw caster sugar
1 tbsp spiced rum
¼ tsp almond extract
1 cup almond meal
3 peaches, sliced
1 cup blueberries

Method
Preheat the oven to 180ºC.

To make the pastry, cut the cold butter into cubes and blitz in a food processor with the flour, icing sugar, a pinch of salt and vanilla. When resembling wet sand, add the egg and blitz until it just comes together to form a dough. You may need to add some milk if the egg is small, but you should be ok. Shape into a disc, wrap in cling and rest in the fridge for an hour.

Sprinkle some flour in a bench and roll the dough until it is roughly 3mm thick and press it into a 25cm loose bottom – yum – tart case. Trim off an any excess dough and return to the fridge for half an hour or so. When you’re ready, line with baking paper and fill with baking weights. Transfer to the oven and blind bake for ten minutes. Remove the baking weights and cook for a further ten minutes, or until lightly golden and cooked through.

Leave the oven on while you beat the remaining butter and sugar in a stand mixer until it is so light it looks to be pulsating. Add the remaining two eggs, one at a time, followed by the rum and almond extract before removing from the stand mixer and folding through the almond meal. Smear into the tart case and smooth the top.

Press the peaches into the frangipane in any fashion you find aesthetically on point for you – dick and balls would look hella artistic, for instance – before pressing the blueberries around the gaps. Transfer to the oven and bake for half an hour, our until the tart is golden and puffed and the blueberries are blistering.

Devour immediately with some ice cream. Sad model friend optional.

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Panissa Vanjie Mateo

Party Food, RuPaul's Drag Race, RuPaul's Drag Race 10, Side, Snack, Street Food, TV Recap, Vegetarian

After nearly a decade of buffoonery, riggery and straight up tomfoolery, RuPaul’s Drag Race is back for season 10. While sure, it was only last week we saw Ru, Michelle, Carson and Ross induct Trixie Mattel into the Drag Race Hall of Fame, I am always thirsty for some new queens to take a lap.

Eureka was first to enter the new werk room, thrilled to be back after destroying her knee last year. She was quickly joined by Phi Phi’s momma, Asia O’Hara who looked so fierce I’ve already got my winner pick lined up. Asia was followed by Bob’s daughter Miz Cracker, who terrified Asia with the use of a racial slur. Though not for long, as they were soon joined by Yuhua Hamasaki who brought Asian to the competition, as opposed to Asia.

Filling the Broadway Baby role vacated by Alexis Michelle – the producer – is Blair St. Clair who looks about ten outside of drag. Monet X. Change joined his fellow NY queens Yuhua and Miz Cracker and reminded me of Bo …

Sorry, I just fainted at the sight of Kameron Michaels. I’m not sure if I fainted or lost too much liquid, but I’m in love.

Mayhem Miller continued her family’s – Morgan and Detox, FYI – legacy by joining the competition, followed by Kaloria Karbdashian Williams who was done dirty by that promo look ya’ll. Monique Heart channeled Tatianna with some spoken word on entry, though with 6000 times the confidence. Dusty Ray Bottoms joined the fray and despite channeling Sideshow Bob out of drag, I’m feeling thirsty. Mopping it up The Vixen arrived serving Chicago realness followed by Alexis’ daughter – BAM, baby come through – Vanessa Vanjie Mateo joined the fray and I’m already living for her talking heads. Rounding out the cast was Sharon’s girl Aquaria, who already has some drama with Miz Cracker which is either going to crash and burn quickly or drag on throughout the entire season.

With all the girls lined up, the alarm sounded and Ru arrived to announce their first mini-challenge where they would have to slay a runway whilst being drowned in a sea of former queens. Eureka was up first and despite being surrounded by Katya, Bob, Chad, Jaymes, Trixie, Peppermint, Adore, Manilla, Detox, Morgan, she did ok though almost toppled off the stage. Mayhem slayed, Miz did her momma proud, Asia owned the stage, Kalorie twerked it out, Monique impressed Derrick with her ability to hem clothes, Adore was delighted by The Vixen, despite her shotty workmanship. Dusty didn’t impress Tempest, but everyone else seemed to live. Yara Sofia was confused whether Yuhua was a queen or a removalist, Vanessa hoped to serve the House of Mateo and Kameron felt she was either loved or hated, with their being no in between. The queens lived for Monet while Blair lived for the queens, and Aqauria impressed the hell out Adore who saw her in the top. In reality though, she was in Jinkx’s face after falling off the stage.

The queens returned to the werk room to de-drag and get thirsty, with Yuhua unsure how to identify the African American queens out of drag. Kameron took his shirt off, I creamed my shorts again, and all the queens let it be known they were thirsty as hell for him. Before anyone had the chance to make a move, Ru returned to crown Monet the winner of the mini challenge … and announce the first maxi challenge of the season. Harkening back to the very first challenge, the queens were tasked with creating a high fashion look with only thrift store items.

After minutes of madness, pushing and shoving as they collected their materials, the queens got to work designing their outfits. While The Vixen felt confident, Miz Cracker realised she had nothing going on so started bartering with the other queens to collect three hats and a shower curtain. She shared the fact she grew up poor and was taught to make fascinating, beautiful art with things she found on the street. Inspired by the bartering, Monet handed over a basket full of barbies for Vanessa’s look after locking in a Gaga-inspired sponge ensemble. Dusty was going futuristic with sun visors, as was Blair St. Clair. Yuhua was concerned about doing a caution tape dress since it had been done before. Vanessa was doing a floral look with a barbie headpiece, though wasn’t feeling very confident about it.

Elimination day arrived with us learning Kalorie was going with a literal million dollar look, which has already been done with great success multiple times. Monique’s house of cards outfit looked insane, while Yuhua thought The Vixen’s look looked half-done. Kalorie then brought up Eureka’s accident, bringing back some bad memories for her who didn’t think she would be fit enough to return. It also brought out her vulnerable side, as she felt more pressure being back because she needed to bring it and make her return worth it. Mayhem too was feeling the pressure to live up to the family name after applying to so many seasons. We then learnt the origins of Dusty’s make-up dots which felt out of place until it segwayed into the drama between Cracker and Aquaria who were both doing similar make-up, with all the queens gagged by the impending drama between the look-a-like queens.

On the mainstage, Aqauria’s Little Ho Peep was good but kinda underwhelming, Asia brought Party City realness – poor Phi Phi – Kalorie tried to channel Kris Jenner, though didn’t serve. In the first of the windshield outfits, Blair looked beautiful, followed by Dusty Ray Bottoms who also slayed despite the questionable hat. Kameron, obvi, was gorgeous, Monet’s sponge look was near perfection, The Vixen served in her pool noodle look, Mayhem owned the runway, Eureka served sugar tits realness, Monique’s card look was insane and amazing, Vanessa looked pretty terrible but BAM that personality can cure flaws. Yuhua threw caution to the wind and thrilled Michelle with her ahnk. On the flipside, Miz Cracker channeled a widow and slayed with her sadness.

Kameron, Aquaria, Asia, Eureka, Monet, Monique – who was robbed – and The Vixen were deemed safe before Ru dropped a bomb on the queens. There was one more person to join the competition – Farrah Moan. JK Kimora, it was just this week’s guest judge Christina Aguilera … much to the delight of the queens who were gagged by her arrival and the fact she creeped on their runways from side of stage.

The judges read Kalorie for filth, despite Christina loving her personality. They adored Blair, loved Dusty Ray’s Bottom though Michelle hated the hat and – obviously – the dots on the face, which explains why we learnt their origins earlier. Mayhem received universal praise for literally everything bringing her to tears after all the stress of delivering, Vanessa’s look was despised though her personality was off the charts and brought her up in everyone’s eyes. They liked Yuhua’s look, though Michelle just wanted to talk ahnk. Miz Cracker’s look in combination with her killer mainstage display of wit, had the judges sopping up everything about her.

Miz Cracker and Blair joined the safe girls before Mayhem Miller was crowned the winner of the first challenge, once again bringing her to tears. Yuhua was also deemed safe, leaving Dusty, Kalorie and Vanessa in the bottom three. Despite Michelle hating the dots, Dusty was deemed safe leaving Kalorie and Vanessa to battle it out to XTina’s Ain’t No Other Man. From the very first note Kalorie owned the lip sync and despite getting stronger as the song went on, Vanessa could never really compete with the twerking Kardashian. As such, Kalorie saved herself and poor Vanessa Vanjie Mateo became the first queen to sashay away from the competition. Breaking my damn heart in the process, seeing how sad she was as she broke down about letting Alexis down.

As a dear friend of the house of Mateo, I pulled her straight into my arms backstage and assured her that her momma would be proud of her performance and would also support her. While it took me a while to perk her up, we got there as soon as I pulled out a plate of Panissa Vanjie Mateo.

Like an earthy, healthier version of polenta chips, these babies are insanely delicious, despite their simplicity. Crisp on the outside, delicate on the inside, BAM, we’ve got another winner for the House of Mateo.

Enjoy!

Panissa Vanjie Mateo
Serves: 4-8.

Ingredients
1L water
1 tbsp olive oil
1 tsp salt
2 ½ cups chickpea flour
olive oil spray, to cook

Method
Bring the water, olive oil and salt to the boil in a saucepan over high heat. When it is boiling, remove from the heat and whisk in the chickpea flour. Return to the heat and stir with a wooden spoon for five minutes, or until thick and holding its shape.

Transfer to a lined baking-dish and press to flatten. Transfer to the fridge to set for about an hour or so.

Preheat oven to 180°C.

Once set, remove from the pan and cut into 1-2cm thick chips and transfer to a lined baking sheet. Place in the oven and bake for 15-20 minutes, or until golden and crisp.

Serve immediately with a good whack of salt and pepper, and devour.

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Stephanie Cappricohnson Pizza

Main, Pizza, Street Food, Survivor, Survivor: Ghost Island, TV Recap

Previously on Survivor, things were looking up for Donathan and Laurel at Naviti who formed an alliance with Domenick and Wendell, with Chris feeling the heat as their obvious target. Meanwhile over at Malolo, the OG Maloloans were down in numbers heading into tribal with only Michael’s idol – James’ from China, FYI – to help. The kid did good at tribal, bluffing about the power of his idol though tragically verbalised they were voting for Bradley and failed to correctly play his idol, sending zaddy Brendan out into the cold.

Back at camp Bradley showed a sliver of emotion, thrilled to have survived tribal council. While the OG Navitians were quick to pretend everything was cool, Bradley reminded us that Michael outed himself as a player and now he is without any protection. Bradley then returned to the role of smarmy douche, rubbing salt in the wounds by saying he plans to bring a trick next tribal. You’re in the numbers dude and acting like that is never going to win you the game, so shut the hell up.

Maybe sensing my impending blow-up at the screen, Probst returned for this week’s reward challenge where the tribes were required to leap over tables, remove sandbags that were hiding a lever … which released more sandbags which they would throw at some targets to release flags. It was for coffee, pastries and muff … ins, so you know I would have been hella keen for the victory. Naviti got out to an early lead though Michael’s cakes managed to catch Malolo up at the lever, raising mine with the holes in the back of his jocks. Sadly his beauty wasn’t enough to win them the challenge as Chris proved his skills with the sack, tossing them at the target and securing Naviti reward while Sebastian flailed. Once again, they couldn’t decide who to send to Ghost Island, with the Survivor Gods sending Stephanie to hopefully find an idol and get rid of Bradley.

Before shipping her out we were treated to some Chris rap slash spoken word and I honest don’t know if it got me excited or made me want to vom repeatedly. Anyway, we arrived at Ghost Island where Stephanie was concerned about being away from her allies. She then discovered she wouldn’t have the chance to play for an advantage, which really added salt in the wounds. Thankfully she focussed on staying positive and strong to show her kids what people can get through.

Speaking of getting through things, Naviti annihilated their reward where the camera confirmed I am crushing on Chris after focussing on his hot ass-et. While everyone was excited for the sugar intake, Donathan started getting sad as it reminded him of being at home with his mother and grandmother and he then broke down to his friend Laurel. And again, and I feel no one can say this enough, Donathan is a damn saint and if you don’t love him you’re a horrid person.

Chris took advantage of Donathan’s breakdown and tried to make a connection over being carers for their family members. Which I want to say was dirty, though Chris didn’t do it in a malicious way and it melted my heart. As did his butt though, make no mistake. This moment of kindness added some confusion for poor Donathan who now wasn’t sure if he wanted to be aligned with Wendell and Domenick, or Chris.

Before we had the chance to get any answers, Probst returned for the immunity. After summoning Stephanie back from Ghost Island, he explained that the tribes would be required to race out on a bridge to collect hanging sacks from a hard beam before jumping on a surfboard and pulled back into shore. Once all the sacks had been collected, the tribes would work numbered discs out of said sacks, and use the numbers to solve a combination to release a key, which released a puzzle … which once solved, released the immunity idol into your tribe’s temporary custody.

As is becoming the usual, Naviti got out to an early lead, well, until Libby blew it completely on the second leg and Des evened things up for Malolo. Wendell and Chelsea then ran the course again, giving Wendell the chance to completely dominate and snag the lead. Tragically his pants stayed on whilst being dragged into the shore, though that is my only complaint. Despite James and Domenick having an insane lead thanks to Chelsea’s fumbles, they were up against Bradley and Kellyn who have proven dominant at puzzles. Though this time, the lead was too much for them to overcome with Malolo heading back to tribal as Naviti took out another victory.

The loss hit Kellyn hard who felt like she let everyone. Jeff being the messy friend of the housewife looking for a full time role that I know he is quickly pointed out that despite the Naviti members owning the loss, that one of Michael, Jenna or Stephanie would be going home.

Back at camp, Michael was willing to do whatever it takes to stay before Kellyn and Chelsea pulled themselves aside to lock in a vote for Jenna, to break up she and Stephanie. Sadly for them, she was working her way into Sebastian’s heart, flirting up a storm and finding a way to survive another day. Sebastian joined Des and Chelsea who tried to convince him that Jenna was the best person to boot, with him working hard to flip it to Stephanie. Given she is the bigger threat though, I’m kinda siding with his logic. Despite it being lead by his penis.

While Chelsea and Kellyn weren’t sold on the idea, they were willing to flip it to Stephanie. Meanwhile she was talking to Bradley, who assured her that she would not be going. He then joined Kellyn and Chelsea who agreed that Jenna was a non-threat and that they should actually take out Michael. Michael then went to Bradley and pledged that he would fight hard for the tribe, and he clearly got no reassurance as he broke down about how much he wanted to stay in the game. AND IT BROKE MY DAMN HEART. Out of nowhere, the Navitians started to get paranoid and Des went through Stephanie’s bag to ensure she didn’t snag an advantage at Ghost Island.

By the time they arrived at tribal council I was hella confused, though Kellyn assured us it would definitely be one of Stephanie, Michael and Jenna. Stephanie was rightfully feeling nervous, and was concerned about spending 24 hours away from her tribe at Ghost Island. On the flipside, that made Bradley nervous since she would have an advantage. Sebastian continued to preach Naviti strong before little Michael pointed out that despite not being aligned, they need to keep him if they want to maintain the numbers heading into the merge as no one knows what is happening at the other tribe.

His strong tribal performance was called out by Bradley, painting a target on his back which we don’t need … mainly as it would distract from his torn-up undies. Stephanie made things emotional, talking about how desperately she wants to remain in the game. This seemed to strike a chord with Kellyn, though when Jenna spoke about her applying for Survivor to work on forming real relationships and Michael brought up how much it meant to him, it seemed like voting anyone out would be hard on her. Des then threw out an ominous, there is always a reason to vote out someone, you just need to find it … which made things even more confusing as they headed out to vote.

The votes rolled in and one after the other they piled up on Stephanie and sent her from the game as the fifth boot. While she was super disappointed to be out of the game, she was thrilled to see that I was there to cheer her up. We’ve been friends for years after meeting on the running circuit before I banned for taking shortcuts to cheat. Given Stephanie is as terminally delightful as BenDeLaCreme, she never held it against me and we always caught up for pizza before her runs. So obviously, I had a Stephanie Cappricohnson Pizza waiting for her in loser lodge to dull the pain.

Well it seems like Ghost Island 2 already has its first curse to reverse – all three of my pizza peeps booted in the first five boots. Call Josh Wigler, because his passion for pizza and my cooking have screwed three icons. That being said, the three pizzas for this season’s losers are amongst my favourite – simple and delicate, this capricciosa is the perfect end to the trilogy.

Enjoy!

Stephanie Cappricohnson Pizza
Serves: 2 dear friends.

Ingredients
2 bases as per Pizsa Zsa Gabor
⅓ cup passata
oregano and basil, roughly chopped, to taste
4 garlic cloves, minced
100g smoked ham, roughly sliced
small handful of mushrooms, sliced
½ cup black olives, sliced
1 cup marinated artichokes, drained and broken up
mozzarella, to taste

Method
Prep the bases as per Zsa Zsa’s instructions.

Preheat oven to 180°C.

Smear passata over the prepared bases, sprinkle of the herbs and garlic, top with ham, mushrooms, olives and artichokes and top, generously, with mozzarella.

Transfer to the oven and bake for fifteen minutes, or until bubbly and golden. Sprinkle with fresh basil leaves.

Devour immediately, hoping not to burn our mouth with some scalding cheese.

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Fame Hungry

Procrasti-baking with our celebrity faux-riends

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Rio Summers Fruit Tart

Panissa Vanjie Mateo

Stephanie Cappricohnson Pizza