Shallots

Nam Jimbo Dressing

Condiment, Dip, RuPaul's Drag Race: UK vs the World, RuPaul's Drag Race: UK vs the World 1, Sauce, TV, TV Recap

Previously on RuPaul’s Drag Race: UK vs the World, the top eight – it is true, despite the fact they only started with 9 – threw a ball to celebrate all things Mama Ru, with the final category requiring them to whip up an outfit that Ru herself would wear. Given it was a design challenge, Cheryl, Baga and Juju were absolutely terrified. Though the latter was confident with her plan to just pick a colour she knew Ru vibes with and to hope for the best! As she spiralled backstage, Mo encouraged Cheryl to focus on the task at hand and well, it was super sweet. On the mainstage Michelle told Juju to hurry up and arrive, while Jimbo and Janey received universal praise and rightly landed in the top. With Janey taking out victory in the lip sync and eliminating Cheryl from the competition.

Backstage Janey and Jimbo were on cloud nine after their wins, while Juju was just thrilled to be saved, despite it meaning poor Cheryl had to go. Blu opened up about how heartbroken she was to lose such a bright spark like Cheryl, though admitted it was the fair thing to do given she was far and away the worst in the challenge. The dolls sat down to kiki with Juju thanking Janey for the save, before talk turned to who Jimbo picked with her admitting that she chose Jujubee for being the biggest competition. After a hilarious bit pulling yet more food out of her cleavage. Annoyed, Juju then told the girls that she and Jimbo had actually made an agreement to save each other during Untucked with all the dolls completely gagged by how shady Jimbo seemingly was. And well, Jimbo girl, you’re in danger. Unless Baga wins, since she confirmed with Jimbo that their alliance was for realsies after they all split up.

Things were far more zen the next day with Janey proudly showing off her badge to her sisters, while Blu was just jealous she too couldn’t go from bottoming to the top like she does on her favourite weekends. Blu continued to produce the season, asking Juju how she felt about Michelle critiquing her for not going arriving yet with Juju admitting that she has officially woken up thanks to the statement and was ready to turn it out. Monique interrupted proceedings to ask the dolls to start calling her Mo, as she wanted to officially change her name to reflect a more genderless aesthetic. And I live. Particularly since Juju then asked for them to call her Amber.

Before anyone else could jump on the trend, Ru arrived to open the library – now in three different languages! Maybe four, depending on how much Jimbo learnt from Rita Baga, I guess. Janey was up first and savaged Baga’s plastic surgery, Pangina was adorable as she destroyed Jimbo’s lip syncing skills before Jimbo was brutal, first with Ru, then Pangina and finally Mo, for being a whore, smelling and being a whore respectively. Baga went for Jimbo’s age while Mo was just terrible. Like so terrible it became good and then bad again. Thankfully Juju followed and had everyone in hysterics with her filthy, brutal reads. I mean, is she wrong to call Baga Princess Di-arrhoea?! Then Blu went IN on the girls, while wanting Janey to come in her. Despite Blu’s last ditch push for victory, Juju won her THIRD reading challenge – damn you, Yar-lexis for ruining her perfect record – and well, it was very well deserved.

Ru then announced that for this week’s challenge, they would be putting on a rusical for the judges called West End Wendys: the Comeback!, a harrowing tale of washed up performers competing in a Broadway themed talent show. For you guessed it, a comeback! And as Juju won the challenge, she was given the honour of casting the whole damn thing.

As soon as Ru disappeared the dolls sat down to listen to the rusical with all of them agreeing there were no bad parts. Given Juju wanted to be kind, she offered to let everyone pick their parts, after she had taken her role. However when Juju admitted she wanted the role of Lally Bowelz, Baga got very, very angry. And it was not a very, vey good look. Given Baga was so fixated on the one role she couldn’t have, Mo and Janey got shady and made Baga audition and read her for filth, despite doing Liza on the reg in her shows. 

While Baga continued to mutter about wanting to be Lally, Pangina snatched up former child-star Widdle Orphan Fannie, Blu was typecast as slutty-nun Mariah Gon Trappy, Mo was ready to go sweet as Dr Spank-n-Spurter, Janey jumped at the chance to play Meryl Streep while Jimbo jagged Dodo the Dog. Leaving an irate Baga with the worst role of Tracey Fatberg. With Mo hilariously calling out Baga for being super bratty and as such, tough titties girl, you need to move on.

The dolls split up to get prepared with Baga continuing to be irate while Jujubee finally realised Baga was actually being serious when talking to Blu and well, it was funny just not a joke.

The queens joined Johannes Radebe to work on their choreography with Pangina up first and well and truly feeling the pressure. Though she shouldn’t be nervous given she is an absolute hilarious star. Baga was up next and still pressed about her role, and that was before she found out she had a tonne of steps to learn and not enough brain capacity to do it. Juju went next and appeared to struggle her way through the choreography, though I’m desperately hoping it is a fake-out edit. Though at least she appears to have charmed her way into getting Johannes as a boobyprize, I guess.

Blu proved the role of a horny nun is the one she was born to play, while Mo was asked about her ability to pull off tricks and despite her past performances on the mainstage, she was ready to cartwheel and split everywhere. Just after she stretches, because something definitely went cleek during rehearsal. Janey was thrilled to challenge herself as Meryl, though was wishing for more dance given that is her background. And well, rehearsal was rough because she was told to stop holding back on the dance as she was clearly coming across as flat. And this better be a fake-out. Jimbo closed out rehearsal and opened up about a neck injury which was news to all the girls, though given she was barely moving, I kinda believe her.

Elimination Day arrived with the general vibe being much betta, as Mo asked Baga whether she had calmed down. Juju checked in with Jimbo to see how her injury was, with Jimbo admitting that it felt better though she had considered lying and telling the girls she was still injured to lull them into a false sense of security. And well, Pangina just felt the entire thing was all kinds of shady.

Ru, Michelle and Graham were joined on the judging panel by Viscount Bridgerton himself, Jonathan Bailey, for the world premiere of West End Wendys: The Comeback. And well, it continued in the tradition of Drag Race UK rusicals of being equal parts fun, camp and stupid. Pangina was demented and perfect, despite hating her role Baga was solid and sold it and Juju was solid though I feel she shouldn’t have taken such an in demand role, because I definitely think someone could have done more with it. Sadly, liek Baga. Blu was hilariously horny and oh so good, while Mo was sexy, camp and delightful, even as she tripped mid-cartwheel, before Janey stole the damn show as Meryl Streep. I mean, she had the mannerisms and energy, and was just so damn magnetic. And well Jimbo was a glorious dog, though got lucky with the Defying Gravity parody song because there wasn’t much else.

On the Dot Dot Dot Runway, Jimbo was an alien delight in a black-spotted green raincoat. Juju was trapped in a spotted snake with clashing colours and Blu wore a horny, velvet dress with a bunch of spotted faces all over it. Janey was in a glamorous Mugler-inspired yellow spotted gown, feeling her Catherine Zeta-Jones realness, Mo gave sexy Sulley from Monsters Inc. realness while Pangina stole the damn show in a gorgeous white gown splattered in rainbow dots, complete with a chinese lantern inspired headpiece which words do not do justice. Baga then gave Pretty Woman at the polo, but sloppier.

Blu and Baga were sent to safety before Jimbo was read for not going far enough with the role, though the judges did live for her impeccable runway. Juju was praised for doing a good job, though read for not giving enough as Baga smirked from the back. Oh and the judges hated her look and felt it was far and away the weakest, leading to Ru encouraging her to step it up because they love her. Janey received universal praise for everything she gave in the performance and for making it effortless. Graham felt there was something wrong with the outfit, though couldn’t articulate it. Mo was praised for her magnetism, though they wished she didn’t get in her head when she makes mistakes. And they LIVED for her runway. Pangina too received universal praise from start to finish, both the performance and the runway. Ultimately Janey and Pangina were deemed the top two while Mo was sent to safety, leaving Juju and Jimbo in the bottom together.

Backstage Janey and Pangina were thrilled to still be sitting in the top while Baga was still not over getting a shit role that she didn’t want and as such, was glad to be safe. While Juju quietly cried, Pangina went to her side and called Baga out for being a brat and told her the tantrum was not cute which led everyone to jump on and agree with her. Leading to Baga apologising to everyone and vowing to be better. 

Juju meanwhile started straight out sobbing, disappointed to not be able to knock it out of the park given she thought she did good. And this time, she can’t lip sync her way out of it like she has in past seasons. Jimbo seemingly missed the judges critiques, saying she shouldn’t be in the bottom and as such, she was shocked. With Baga admitting to us that Jimbo deserved her place in the bottom, despite the fact they were besties.

When Pangina and Jimbo caught up, she talked round and round in circles while Pangina wished she would get to the point. And when she did, she just pointed to her killer track record and the fact Juju isn’t hitting her marks. Juju meanwhile was telling Janey that she still has a fight in her and doesn’t want to go home, before pointing out Jimbo had picked two lipsticks to go home and that they were hers and Janeys. Though Janey questioned whether voting out Jimbo is playing the same shady game she played. The safe girls agreed Jimbo’s track record was flawless, though Mo admitted she just doesn’t trust Jimbo. Juju then told Pangina she will always have fight in her and honestly, did better than Jimbo in the challenge they’re being judged on this week while Jimbo reiterated to Janey how much she wants to be here.

After picking their lipsticks, Janey and Pangina legged it to the mainstage where they battled to We Like To Party (Vengabus) by The Vengaboys which was, in a word, ICONIC. I mean, I once taught my niece the worst dance to the song and she still does it and well, she too is an icon, so this all makes me so happy. But I digress. Both the queens gave a killer performance, though it was truly Pangina’s show. I mean, she jerked off when the vengabus was coming, she vogued the house down and even rocked out streamers. While Janey gave great disco moves that were perfect for the song, there was no taking my eyes off Pangina, who rightly took out the win. And then gooped the queens – and the judges – by sending Jimbo home.

As she vowed to get Ru and her little dog (Michelle) too, begging the question, did she create exit lines based around each questions or did she just get lucky that it coincided with her performance as Dodo.

While Jimbo opened up and shared the answer to my query when we caught up in the Werk Room, like Bebe, out of respect to DeLa, I will never share the response. Though I will share how grateful she was to have a dear friend like my waiting to cheer her up. As you know, Jimbo and I have long been the dearest of friends after fighting over the same jumbo breastplate in a store. While yes, we both ended up in jail for 24 hours, that time bonded us for a life and knew the only thing that could dull the pain of being this year’s robbed queen is a fresh, zingy Nam Jimbo Dressing. 

While this is normally something you’d serve with some sort of Thai finger food, Jimbo and I play by different rules and as such, are completely down to have something as delicious as this as a drink. Hot and spicy, tangy and packing a herbaceous punch, it truly does engage all your senses.

Enjoy!

Nam Jimbo Dressing
Makes: ½ – 1 cup.

Ingredients
2 green chillis, tailed and chopped
6 garlic cloves, sliced
2 shallots, roughly chopped
2 limes, zested and juiced
2 tbsp peanut oil
1 tbsp fish sauce
1 tbsp grated palm sugar
¼ cup fresh coriander, roughly chopped

Method
Ok, so this is another tough one so like Scar always says, be prepared.

Pop everything in a blender, blitz and pour into a serving bowl. Or you know, shot down like a bologna slingin’ icon.


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Triple Pork, Corndra Cheeaz-Twine

Australian Survivor, Australian Survivor: Blood V Water, Main, TV, TV Recap

Previously on Australian Survivor Sophie was feeling her oats as the cockroach of the season, despite the fact she only miraculously dodged the boot twice in a row due to a twist and Alex quitting rather than skill or gameplay. Identifying Khanh as a big threat, she realised aligning with him could be mutually beneficial and approached him about aligning. Which he sadly had zero interest in. With Sophie gone from the tribe, the alphas were outnumbered on Blood, though after losing the immunity challenge miraculously were able to make some new friends. After Amy found an idol, she was ready to make a strike on Sandra and take control, however the Queen had already sadly scooped them up as they banded together to boot Amy’s bestie Jay.

The next day things were very zen over at the Water tribe as Nina shared how well positioned she was in the tribe and how she was excelling at the game. While I would have loved to hear more from Nina, I was just as distracted as the cameraperson was when her ally Jordie started to repeatedly flash his bum. And just like that, I was back to stanning our overall king. Despite the excitement and the joy of hearing how well Nina is playing, I couldn’t help but become filled with dread as she opened up about being confident in her chances of making it to the end.

The two tribes reconvened with Jonathan where Sam spoke about how united their tribe was, which perfectly cued up JLP to tell them to drop their buffs. Yep, it’s tribe swap time! Given there were 19 people remaining, Sandra, Amy, Dave and Jordan were joined by Shay, Nina, Jordie, Josh and Mel on Blood, while Khanh, Chrissy, KJ and Sophie welcomed Sam, Michelle, Croc, Ben and Jesse on Water, leaving poor Mark tribeless. Well, for a moment, as he was given the right to choose which tribe to join, ultimately selecting to join Blood. Much to the absolute rage of his wife Sam, who was SO ready to play with him. Not wanting to play with their loved one however was Nina, who was heartbroken to be on a tribe with her mother given she now has a huge target on her back. And once again, dread.

Before we could enjoy any drama, Jonathan explained that to take out the reward four people at a time from each tribe would battle in a boat tug-o-war competition to capture a flag, with the first new tribe to three scoring a reward of hot dogs and soda, so you know I would have died to win if I was out there. First up Ben, Croc, Chrissy and Sophie faced off against Mark, Jordan, Mel and Sandra, with the new Water tribe quickly scoring the first point. Josh, Mark, David and Jordie methodically then worked together to tie things up over Croc, Khanh, Jesse and Ben. Sandra, Mel, Shay and Nina worked hard on the third round though were eventually overpowered by Sophie, Sam, KJ and Michelle who scored the second point. Oh and then Ben, Sophie, Croc and Chrissy blitzed through the next round, jagging reward for their tribe. And most importantly, we got to see Ben cheering in his speedo, so everyone is truly a winner.

Back at camp the new Water tribe were delighted to find their hot dog cart, quickly getting to work smashing their snacks and soft drinks. While Sam was thrilled they proved themselves as a new tribe, Chrissy was just thrilled to finally have Croc by her side before talk turned to the fact that Mark was given a choice to join the tribe with Sam and instead opted to keep themselves separated a little longer. Which Sam admitted was a strong strategic decision, despite it hurting. After Croc spoke about feeling bad for those that couldn’t reunite with their pair, Sam and Sophie went for a walk to clear the air and while Sophie promised there were no hard feelings, Sam was very sure that she couldn’t be trusted.

Chrissy interrupted the calm celebrations when she noticed a clue hidden in the side of the cart, quickly rushing to it to snatch it without anyone noticing as she shoved it up her pants. Successfully managing to keep it there, unlike Sharn. Well, until she and Croc awkwardly hugged and she handed it off to him. Back at camp, they went for a walk together where they read their clue and upon Chrissy figuring out where their idol would be, darted off to the river to jag it without anyone noticing. With Croc planning to keep it secret, given that is the advice Sandra gave him and ugh, I now love Croc.

We finally checked in on the new Blood tribe where Jordie was thrilled by how the swap played out for him, keeping him with all of his closest allies and in the majority on the new tribe. And well, to say he was confident is an understatement. Jordie immediately identified Sandra as the biggest threat and vowed to get rid of her ASAP. Essentially. Mark opened up about deciding to stay away from Sam, knowing it was the safest option for them, despite it not being what he truly wanted. As everyone washed off in the water and formed quick bonds, poor Sandra was left alone with Dave back at camp and attempted to try and start over with him, given it is her only option. While she was hopeful Nina’s strong bonds and likability would be able to help her out, she was still very nervous.

Speaking of Nina, she was thrilled to still be on a tribe with all of her allies but sadly – though wisely for her – she approached them to assure them that should they want to vote out her mum, she will be ok with it. While she quietly wondered to us whether she could really bring herself to break her mum’s trust, she also felt it would be hard to cross her allies too.

The tribes reconvened for the immunity challenge where Jonathan explained they would chop through a rope to release a net, climb said net to cross a tower, collect some boxes on balance beams, climb up another tower where they would drop the boxes over the side in an attempt to release a ball. And then use said ball to solve a table maze. Josh got Blood out to the earliest of leads, though they were quickly overtaken by Water who whipped up the nets. After Michelle fell on the balance beams, Blood managed to pull ahead again. Well until they struggled to smash their boxes, giving Water a huge lead while solving their table maze. Sadly, they couldn’t get it together as Nina started to talk her tribe through the puzzle. Though not quickly enough, as Water narrowly took out immunity.

And left Sandra to contend with her Day 16 curse. Much to my mildly simmering rage.

Back at camp Nina quickly apologised for choking while calling the challenge while the rest of the tribe tried to rally and raise her up. Sandra meanwhile stressed about having to go to tribal council on Day 16, though she was hopeful Nina’s connections may be able to keep around for another few days and break said curse. Not wanting to rest on her laurels though, Sandra caught up with Mark and pointed out she has issues with Dave should they be looking for a target, while Dave, Jordie and the cousins hung out to lock in the vote for Mel. Nina went for a walk with Shay and Josh with them filling Nina in on the plan to get rid of Mel, given she is clumsy and may be a liability in future challenges. Which was music to Nina’s, and importantly my ears. 

Sandra meanwhile was back in the water with Jordan, Dave and Amy, with them shocked by the fact Water are willing to get rid of one of their own despite being in the minority. Sadly it was at that moment that Jordie decided they really should have some fun with the vote and instead take out one of the weaker OG Blood women in the form of Sandra, and then at a whisper, Amy.

Jordie, Josh and Mark giddily locked in the vote for Sandra given she is not only weaker and from the rival tribe but most importantly, a massive threat. While Jordie and Josh wanted to give Nina a heads up, Mark assured them it was too dangerous given she could get Shay to play her idol to save her mother and ruin not only their plans but their alliance. Speaking of which, Nina, Sandra and Shay were catching up and well, this better end with an idol play otherwise I’ll be heartbroken. While the trio felt the vote was still going Mel’s way, Sandra worried about what would happen after that given there is nowhere else for her to hide. Even though she isn’t even hiding anymore.

Mark, Jordie and Josh caught up with the other former OG Blood members and Mel to float the Sandra plan and tragically everyone seemed thrilled to jump on board. Thankfully though Nina could tell that Mark and Mel were acting weird with her and as such, felt like something was up. While Jordie caught up with Sandra and assured him the plan was still on Mel, desperate to claim the scalp of Sandra in a blindside.

At tribal council Sandra spoke about being happy with the new tribe, reiterating how proud she is to still be in the game. Mel opened up about being nervous about the upcoming vote, while Mark tried to downplay the fact the original Water tribe hold the majority in this new tribe. Which Jordie reiterated, though far less eloquently. Shay mentioned that she would be voting on strength, given she is desperate for some food and to get another win. This got Sandra fired up, announcing that is not how Survivor works or how it is played, given one person is not a deciding factor in losing a challenge. Sandra then doubled down and pointed out that alliances are more important because come merge, the weak will outnumber the strong and once the strong people start losing immunity, they are immediately booted. Unless they have allies willing to protect them.

This speech spooked Shay, given she thought she knew what would be playing out while Jordie spoke about every season being a clean slate and kinda pretending like Sandra isn’t a damn icon that could wash each and every one of them any day of the week. And well, he better moon us tomorrow if he gets his way tonight because I am growing tired. Nina admitted she is nervous about the upcoming vote, with Jordie pretty much saying he isn’t looking forward to facing a loved one back at camp which narrows down the boot to one of four people, but really only Sandra. Speaking of the Queen, she admitted that she is definitely expecting to receive a couple of votes at tribal council, though continued to speak strongly, reiterating that being a pair is strong and as such, made Josh and Jordan nervous about potentially being the only pair left in the tribe.

Jonathan then asked Nina whether she felt being a pair was important and when Sandra tried to look her in the eye, she told her to look at Jonathan instead as her eyes welled up. This well and truly got Sandra nervous as she spoke about knowing what she signed up for, though she still looked gutted. Before reminding us that the queen stays queen.

With that the tribe voted and tragically, there were no miracles as Shay played her idol for herself – not sure why, though – and Queen Sandra was unanimously booted from the tribe. Once again swap-screwed on Day 16. Which is why I threw the most epic tantrum Charters Towers had ever seen when I got word that Sandra’s curse had completed its hat trick before she claimed her triple crown. 

My tantrum wasn’t pretty, it wasn’t nice and it wasn’t cute, though I would argue it was completely justified.

Sandra is a complete and utter icon and if her new tribes would only stop losing the first challenge after a swap, she should be a lock for the merge after enough time to endear herself with her new people. Instead, we’re left with the brutal tragedy that one again, Sandra is not on a jury at the worst but more ideally addressing one.

While I was heartbroken by her placement on paper, her run on Australian Survivor has only managed to cement her status as the best to ever play the game. Her strategy is simple and logical, but one that not many people could pull off season after season with her finesse.

As soon as I saw her enter the Pre-Jury Villa – no Loser Lodge for MY queen – I immediately started sobbing and ran into her arms. While she wasn’t receptive to my ideas for her to disown Nina and adopt me in her place, or to find Jonathan and production and force them to re-shoot tribal council, or even add a new version of Redemption Rock where Sandra is automatically given the win; she was grateful for my enduring love and support and glad that I was once again by her side on Day 16 to eat our feelings, this time with a Triple Pork, Corndra Cheeaz-Twine. A meal I had tragically thought would manifest the third win, rather than enacting her curse for a third time.

Now I can not take ownership of this recipe – that is Jock Zonfrillo, with some minor tweaks for my preferences – I knew Sandra’s return from retirement needed to be marked with something decadent and regal, worthy of her legacy. This very baconny, very cheesy number is near perfection – smokey and umami, sweet and salty, it is the only glorious meal worthy of someone as glorious as the Survivor GOAT.

Enjoy!

Triple Pork, Corndra Cheeaz-Twine
Jock Zonfrillo’s original recipe
Serves: 8.

Ingredients
50g thinly sliced smoked pancetta
25g smoked salt
25g dark muscovado sugar
10g ground black pepper, to season
10g hot smoked paprika
10g ground star anise
2 tbsp extra virgin olive oil
1.2kg pork belly
1 cup cloudy apple juice
150g sourdough, blitzed to form crumbs
230g sharp aged smoked cheddar, coarsely grated
¼ cup parsley, finely chopped
120g unsalted butter, diced
60g flour
2 ½ cups milk
130g blue cheese, diced
130g Fontina, coarsely grated
130g Talleggio, coarsely grated
salt and white pepper, to taste
400g smoked bacon lardons
1 bunch shallots, thinly sliced
4 garlic cloves, minced
5 sprigs thyme, leaves removed
3 x 400g cans sweetcorn, drained
¼ cup sour cream

Method
Preheat the oven to 200°C.

Start by working on your bacon rub by placing the pancetta on a lined baking sheet and cooking in the oven for fifteen minutes, or until crisp. Transfer to a paper towel to remove grease and allow it to cool. Once chill, combine the pancetta with the smoked salt, muscovado sugar, black pepper, paprika and star anise in a food processor or blender and blitz until crumbed.

Next, score the skin of your pork belly and rub it with oil followed by all but 2 tbsp of the bacon rub, getting it on the meat and skin until it is gorgeously marooned. Pop the pork belly on a rack in a baking dish, skin side up, and pour the apple juice into the dish. Transfer to the oven and cook for 15 minutes, before reducing the heat to 180C and cooking for a further hour. Keeping an eye on the apple juice in the pan and topping up with more, or water, should it run dry. Remove from the oven and leave to rest.

While the pork is getting gorgeously browned, combine the bread crumbs, 100g of the smoked cheddar, parsley and the remaining bacon rub in a bowl until combined.

Next step – FYI, there are a lot of steps and it is what Sandra deserves, so deal – melt half the butter in a large saucepan over medium heat until foamy. Add the flour, whisk and cook for a minute or so. Remove from the heat and slowly whisk in the milk to combine before returning to the heat and bringing to a simmer. Reduce heat to low and cook for a couple of minutes before adding the remaining cheeses and cooking for a further couple of minutes, or until well combined. Season and keep warm.

In another saucepan, melt the remaining butter over medium heat and cook the lardons for five minutes or until starting to caramelise. Add the shallots, garlic and thyme and cook for further five minutes, or until soft and sweet. Add the corn and stir until warmed through.

When the smells have you more than ready to eat, cut the pork belly into a dice, reserving the crackling for a side or to top. Combine the corn and lardon mixture with the cheese sauce, before folding through the pork belly and sour cream.

Transfer to a baking dish, top with the crumb and pop in the oven to cook for 15 minutes, or until golden and crisp. Serve immediately and devour, eating all your feelings away before the next episode.

And remember, the Queen will always stay Queen. Day 16 curse be damned!


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Simon Meeso Ramen

Australian Survivor, Australian Survivor: Brains V Brawn, Main, Soup, TV, TV Recap

Previously on Australian Survivor Hayley continued to be an absolutely dominant icon, pulling Dani aside to float the idea of booting Simon from the game with an idol in his pocket. Unaware there are actually two idols in his gorgeous pockets. After Brains once again lost immunity, Rachel and Laura tried to get George to see sense and flip back to the Brains to give himself the best shot. He didn’t, which tragically led to Queen Rach leaving and poor Laura left all alone on the Brains tribe.

We checked in with the Brains who were waking up from the coldest night, which honestly is how my heart feels now that the legendary Rachel is gone. But since I wasn’t aligned with her, I guess things were frostier for Laura who was all alone on the tribe with nobody. Though being a determined fighter, she was going to find a crack whether it kills her. After going for a walk to get everyone’s water, George suggested someone should follow her and obviously he then immediately chased after her. He realised that he was almost as screwed as her, so suggested they should finally start working together to take control. Which is really something he should have done when the Brains would have had a majority. And given that, she wasn’t really buying it as an option. Though she was buying into finding an idol.

He then returned to camp and let a massive fart rip which is important, if you ask me.

There was less gas going on at the Brawn camp where Simon was proud to make it to the halfway point of the game and glad that he arguably has the strongest alliance left. An alliance that is working with the Brains and has an easy boot lined up in Flick. Oh and his two hidden immunity idols. And while he looked happy sparring with Dani, the fact that she jabbed him in the gut is meant as foreshadowing, right?

To make me more nervous that we’re about to lose our speedo king, he told Dani and Chelsea about his second hidden immunity idol. And you just know that means Dani is ready to get the ol’ Sandra Bullock going because two idols making the merge in someone’s pocket is a very dangerous thing.

My love Jonathan returned for the latest – or is that last, thanks to TV listings – tribal reward challenge where the tribes would row out to pontoons to collect rings and then race to land said rings on to oars that when flipped, spell out reward. And should they win, they get to visit the survivor candy and store and well, I don’t love sweets but those brownies looked delightful. And the maltesers too, TBH. As is oft the case, Brawn got out to the earliest of leads until Baden straight up snapped his oar due to brute force. Then Emmett happened, coaching everyone through the challenge and pushing himself to the absolute limit. Quite literally, as he pushed them to shore. Both tribes were neck and neck when it came to tossing the rings, until Emmett pulled away, landing all six rings and winning reward for his tribe.

And Laura is finding an idol at the reward, isn’t she?

After arriving at the site of the reward the tribe were gagged to learn that they would each be visiting solo and while George wanted to be strategic, Kez quickly suggested they draw straws. And well, fate was on Laura’s side as she was up second after Cara and that much more likely to find an advantage. Particularly since Cara could only focus on the sweets, quickly smashing everything in sight. Wait, no – she found the advantage in a tube of lollies! And what an advantage it was, giving her a VIP ticket to the next tribal council, including two votes that she could use to swing things in her favour.

By the time Laura made it to the store, she went searching through everything for an idol but tragically came up empty handed and instead, realised that she just needs to guarantee the tribe wins the next immunity challenge. She was followed by Emmett who smeared extra candy over his body for later, Gerald just smashed strawberries, George finger banged every vessel and then Kez straight up destroyed everything in sight.

We returned to camp Brawn the next day where Dani was still focused on blindsiding Simon ASAP, pulling Hayley aside by the billabong to finally get things moving. While Hayley was terrified about the prospect of him making the merge, Dani assured her that they can pull it off. She then suggested they throw the next immunity challenge and Hayley needed to get her troops on board, given Dani has already convinced Chelsea. Aka, her people. Which Hayley quickly did, telling her fellow Brains and Flick about the idols. 

The first pressure point being that they need to throw the immunity challenge without making it obvious.

As such Jonathan made his triumphant return for the immunity challenge where everyone on the tribe would stand on balance beams and hold a rope to keep a disc steady while trying to balance balls on it without dropping. And well, SImon offered to sit out and damn, this is just going to be too easy, isn’t it? And by that, something will go wrong, won’t it. While Brawns were wanting to throw it, they took an early lead in the challenge as Gerald and Kez struggled for the Brains. Thankfully for team ‘throw the challenge’, Chelsea successfully made Brawns need to reset while poor Simon kindly cheered them on from the side, encouraging them to keep focused and not be hard on themselves. Obviously Brains started to pull away as Brawns successfully looked frustrated by their failings before Brains put everyone out of their misery and snatched immunity.

Before they departed the challenge, Cara opted to play her VIP ticket advantage to the upcoming tribal council for her and a friend to cast votes. But obviously not be eligible to receive them. In any event, she chose to bring George along with her and well, you just know this is going to spook Simon into playing his idol, isn’t it?

Back at camp Simon was heartbroken to have lost the challenge, though was glad to finally be able to get rid of his other nemesis Flick. After spotting her chatting to the Brains, Chelsea offered to break up the conversation and stop them from planning something. And by that, she went up to keep Simon calm enough to not play his idol. Simon then went to lock in the Flick vote with Andrew and Baden, though was willing to throw out the fact he will play his idol to keep them scared. When they returned to camp, Flick ran off to hunt for an idol with Chelsea pretending to tail her to make it look more authentic. 

Chelsea then pretended to be sent back to camp, forcing Simon to follow her instead and unwittingly left everyone else talk and solidify the plan. Dani meanwhile was reminding everyone that if it was her, she would play one of the idols which appeared to make Hayley nervous. Though Baden just gave them the ol’ Gene Cousinaeu, telling them that they just need to give the acting performance of their lives. And honestly, I love him. Almost as much as Hayley, who was nervous Dani was building this up as her star move and as such, wanted to build a counter plan to throw some votes on Dani just in case to guarantee Flick’s safety.

Like the brutal icon she is!

Hayley then caught up with Baden by the billabong and they agreed to load their votes on Dani, with Baden offering to talk to George and Cara as soon as they arrived at tribal council to guarantee they vote for Simon too. Given he is the only person they trust. Baden meanwhile returned to camp and worked to ensure that the Brawns were still feeling good and not realising that he and Hayley were actually staging a coup and guaranteeing the numbers for the Brains post merge.

At tribal council Cara and George admitted that they aren’t sure where their two votes would be going tonight and as such, wanted a full performance from the tribe. Dani being an icon told them that Brawn don’t play like that and as such, they need to calm down and relax because their votes won’t mean anything. As Baden whispered that their votes would make a difference. Flick gave the perfect performance as the woman on the bottom, with Dani and Simon both agreeing that she is going home tonight. As Baden continued to try and get Cara and George’s attention, despite talking about it being a straightforward vote.

Dani continued to play up her confidence in booting Flick from the game, while Hayley spoke about her fears that votes don’t always go where they need them. Baden continued to whisper to Cara and George about Simon and his idols and while things were going well, Simon caught them and asked if they had anything to add. With that Simon spoke about always being nervous and damn, Dani and Chelsea looked like they were ready to snap. Simon continued to talk about blindsides and Flick still having a chance until her torach was snuffed. And damn, this is blowing up, isn’t it?

With that Cara, George and the tribe voted, Hayley continued to be a savage icon who I stan and Simon blew out his thong on the way to cast his, which is super ominous. And while he noted it, he calmly held on to both of his hidden immunity idols as everyone started to smirk. And those smirks turned into full blown smiles as the votes were tallied, piling up on him before Dani was gagged to see three votes come in for her. Ultimately though it was my speedo king who was blindsided with two idols in his pocket.

Given Simon is such a fan of the game, he took his blindside in his stride and was so damn upbeat and kind when he arrived in loser lodge. You know, despite having his dream brutally ended. I pulled him in for a hug and reminded him that while he was booted, it was in an iconic fashion and as such, he will always be remembered in the series. And well, I’d gladly welcome him back next season already.

After catching up – we’re dear friends, training at the same Brisbane gym, obvi – we laughed, cried, plotted out his story for the next All Stars. But most importantly, I then got to work whipping up something nourishing to lift his spirits. Aka my Simon Meeso Ramen.

This take on the Antoni modern classic is near perfectionly, full of umami goodness, but all at once sweet and salty. You know, all of the good things. Add in a kick of chilli and a punch of fresh herbs, you’ve got a dish as perfect as Simon looks.

Enjoy!

Simon Meeso Ramen
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
4 tsp sesame oil
5 garlic cloves, minced
250g pork mince
salt and pepper, to taste
¼ cup miso paste
2 tbsp ginger, minced
2L chicken stock
4 large eggs
400g udon noodles
2 medium carrots, julienned
4 shallots, sliced
½ cup corn kernels
1 tbsp sriracha sauce
Microgreens, sprouts and coriander, to taste

Method
Heat a tablespoon of sesame oil in a stock pot over medium heat and cook the garlic for a minute or two. Add the pork and cook, breaking up with a wooden spoon as you go, until browned. Season with salt and pepper before adding the miso, ginger and stock. Stir until well combined before bringing to the boil, then reducing heat to low and simmering.

Meanwhile, soft boil the eggs – aka drop them into rapidly boiling water and cook for 5 minutes – and cook the noodles as per packet instructions.

While the rest is happening, add the carrot, shallow, corn and sriracha to the ramen and stir. When the eggs are done, run them under cold water and peel, and drain the noodles.

To serve, place the noodles in four bowls, top with ramen and then split the eggs and place one in each bowl. Top with microgreens, sprouts and coriander, and if you’re spicy like me and Simo, more sriracha. And edible flowers, which i did before King Simon kindly told me to eat the prettier one, while he takes the ugly dish. Thus, the ugly photos.

I mean, isn’t Simon the sweetest? I mean, he is as sweet as this!


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Eggs Benny Burtots

Australian Survivor, Australian Survivor: Brains V Brawn, Breakfast, Main, TV, TV Recap

Previously on Australian Survivor the Brains and Brawn arrived in the outback, with the former quickly dominating the challenges. Because, you know, they are packed full of muscle, which is how I’m described on the weekend, but that is another story for another time. Eventually the Brains kicked it into gear and sent the athletes to tribal council back-to-back. Thankfully Flick, Shannon and Queen Kez were slowly taking over the Brawn tribe after Janelle’s demise, despite Simon and the boys trying to snatch power. This meant that Big D was then caught in the middle, unsure who would be better for his game before he backed the girls and sent zaddy Gavin from the game.

The next day Camp Brains had fully transitioned to becoming a yoga retreat with Hayley calmly talking them through their moves and all around keeping the vibe zen. Not to be confused with Zen Hen. That was all shattered as George arrived moaning and loudly talking about his lack of undies, hoping nobody gets a sneaky peek at his balls. And damn, am I really starting to fall hard for George and his unique brand of weirdness? One nudie run and marriage awaits at this point.

We checked in on our Brawny friends where kangaroos were roaming freely and Gerald was creating a new notch on his belt. Benny meanwhile was feeling fatigued, wondering if it was Day 8 or 48, while reading the rest of his tribe for filth for constantly exercising. We finally got some background on Benny, learning that he was a former real estate agent slash entrepreneur and assumed that experience would help him control the tribe. Kez meanwhile was living her best life, thrilled to have played her idol and created some excitement at tribal. Simon and Emmett were also proud of how tribal went last night, impressed by the way they were duped and damn, do I love them too. I mean, that is humble and a completely likeable reaction. In any event, they knew that they needed numbers or a miracle and as such, started searching for an idol. Simon in donut speedos, so yeah, I do love him.

As Brawns gloated about their abundance of food, we returned to the Brains tribe where they were all serving Jan Sport’s face crack over yet another meal of rice and lentils. Baden shared that despite the lack of good food, the tribe are getting along well and have gotten into a great routine. You know, except for George who was still well and truly on the outside. That being said, Baden knew that George is not to be underestimated and as such, was keeping an eye on him. George meanwhile was loving Wai and Cara, and well, he just needed an idol to help make more friends. Sadly for him as he wandered around camp searching, there were always ten sets of eyes on him and/or a collection of people tailing him.

On one such tailing expedition however Baden ventured to the billabong and discovered a note amongst rocks and quickly snatcthed it out from under George’s nose. Said note directed him to search a tree overhanging the water. As such, he now ventured off to find the idol which was hidden directly in front of the entire camp.

Before we could get any resolution whatsoever, my love Jonathan arrived for this week’s reward challenge where the Brains were gagged to see Gavin voted out. As for the challenge, the tribes would be paired up and tethered together to crawl under a net to collect a ball with the first pair to shoot a basket winning a point for their tribe. Given it was for pillows, hammocks, blankets, bacon and eggs, they were all desperate for the win. Simon and Chelsea quickly scored their point over Hayley and Andrew, playing a bit dirty to get there in the eyes of the Brains tribe. Next up were Joey and Mitch versus Emmett and Kez, with Joey tying things up for the Brains. Dani and Shannon then quickly defeated Laura and Cara before Simon and Chelsea returned and won reward for the Brawns over Baden and Georgia. Aka it was a bit of a blowout and not really exciting.

The victorious Brawn tribe were overjoyed as they returned to camp, whipping up a fried rice with little care for the hate they received for their shady plays during the challenge. We then learnt a little bit more about sweet country boy Gerald who is a dairy farmer in addition to his woodchopping career. In addition to being sweet, he lives for a dad joke and takes cooking bacon and eggs very seriously. Like a total zaddy.

Oh and the tribe lived for their food, obvi, but it really doesn’t add much to the storyline.

Speaking of plot, back at the Brains camp the group returned to eating rice and lentils and while it meets their basic nutritional requirements, they weren’t loving it. Though Mitch did point out that as long as they’re winning immunity challenges, it doesn’t really matter. Speaking of immunity, Baden returned to his idol hunt but sadly for him, George and Wai saw him slinking off and as such, George deduced that he must have gotten a clue. With that, they joined him in the search and sadly for Baden, George quickly grabbed the idol from the arms of the tree from under Baden’s nose. He quickly called out to Wai and ran off to the side, unveiling the idol and they doubled down on their allegiance to each other.

Dear Jonathan returned for the immunity challenge where the tribes would race in a giant metal cube, carrying it through a series of obstacles to retrieve bags of letters. Once complete they climb over a wall, across a cargo net and release a walkway to use the letters to solve a word puzzle. Obviously the Brawns got out to a huge lead, climbing out of the cage before the Brains even got to the platform. As Brawns got to work on the puzzle – quickly isolating the word ‘survivor’ from the bag – Brains struggled with the rope. Eventually it came down to the puzzle with us learning that the Brawns can’t even actually spell survivor – instead going with surviver – much to the irritation of Big D, given Benny moved his precious letters. While Brawn pulled ahead, they put ‘Brains’ and ‘Brawn’ in the wrong part of the puzzle which was enough time for the Brains to place their words correctly and solve the last words, taking out victory while Simon yelled at Benny.

As an aside, how dominant was Queen Wai at that puzzle?! Swoon.

Back at camp the Brawns were all annoyed at Benny, despite the fact he only took letters from a pile that spelt an incorrect word. Knowing he was in trouble, Simon went off searching for an idol while the majority quickly locked in the vote against him. As he searched, Chelsea and Dani joined him by the water and the trio decided their best chance to flip some votes would be to target Benny. And like clockwork, he appeared, stupidly telling Dani that he and the majority are set on Simon. This irritated Gerald and filled Dani with hope, despite the fact her shield is the target.

Dani took the information straight back to Chelsea and Simon, with the trio doubling down on the vote for Benny being their only hope. With that, Simon approached Daini and started by lamenting over their loss by pointing out that the losing will only continue if Benny is left to stay. And given Daini was the most vocal about Benny causing the loss, me thinks Simon is in with a shot. They then approached Shannon and Flick to float the plan with them and given they are sick of losing, I think they actually might listen. They took the information straight back to Benny and assured him that they wouldn’t turn on him, but well, I just have a feeling this isn’t going to end well for my namesake.

Despite Shannon reiterating she isn’t here to play Simon says, which is a chef’s kiss soundbite.

Arriving at tribal council, Shannon whispered to Kez and Flick about switching their vote before Jonathan addressed the elephant in the room, being that the meathead alliance have their backs against the wall. Simon quickly jumped in to read Benny’s challenge performance for filth, with Daini agreeing that his mistake cost them valuable time. Benny downplayed the mistakes which seemed to frustrate the rest of the tribe who kinda just wanted an apology. Essentially. Benny pointed out that Simon is playing fast and loose, given his back is against the wall.

With that, Simon opted to lay it all on the table and pointed out that getting rid of the liability is best for everyone on the tribe, otherwise they won’t have any numbers at merge to make it much further. Benny meanwhile defended his challenge performance before Shannon admitted that she can see both sides of the argument. She then addressed her whispering as they arrived and admitted the discussion was about switching things up, which frustrated Benny but when Shannon asked him to pitch, he pointed out that he was offended and offered nothing else. 

Though he did rightly pitch that if Simon could flip the vote tonight, he will easily do it time and time again and that is threatening to all of them. With that the tribe voted with Daini flipping to Simon’s group and tying things up. That of course meant the rest of the tribe re-voted with Kez and Shannon joining Big D in flipping things over and as such, Benny found himself booted from the game. And boy was he irate.

By the time he arrived at loser lodge, he was pretty much ready to explode. That is, until her met his dear friend, me. You see, Benny and I met at a Ben convention – creatively titled a Conbention – where we fast became friends over the things we had in common, our names and the fact we were gifted with dark, luscious hair. And well, I quickly fell deeply in love with him due to my narcissism. While I quickly turned volatile, Benny was sweet and kind and we became the fastest of friends. So I was thrilled to be on site to bring him comfort in the form of some Eggs Benny Burtots.

Eggs Benny? Yeah, it is bloody stunning – be it Megs to a burger, there is nothing better. That is, until you find a way to do a loaded tots variation. Bacon, shallots, dripping in hollandaise with a tonne of halloumi and scrambled eggs, all ON TOTS. This is near as perfect as Benny’s gorgeous, shimmering hair.

Enjoy!

Eggs Benny Burtots
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
6 rashers streaky bacon, diced
2 tbsp butter
6 eggs, whisked
1kg Potato Jems / tater tots, cooked until crispy
½ cup Halloumi Holbrook, fried and diced
2 shallots, peeled and thinly sliced
1 cup Hollandaise Taylor

Method
To get things started, heat a skillet over medium heat and fry the bacon until crispy. Remove to drain on a paper towel.

Add the butter to the pan and heat until it is nice and foamy. Add the eggs and once rippling around the edges, sweep the pan with a spatula to form delicately cooked ribbons. Remove from the heat.

Prep everything else according to their recipes, then get to assembling by lining a bowl with gems and topping with a scattering of bacon, halloumi and shallots before dousing with hollandaise.

And you know, devouring.


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Michele Fitzgerkald Chicken Pizza

Main, Pizza, Poultry, Street Food, Survivor, Survivor: Winners at War, TV, TV Recap

Previously on Survivor the final four arrived on the top of a mountain in Fiji for their final immunity challenge. The one that Jeremy won on his way to victory in Second Chances. It came down to a battle of New Jersey before Michele dropped and handed Natalie immunity, guaranteeing an epic run from first boot to final tribal council. Back at camp everyone split up to start practicing fire, with Winchele slaying while Tony and Sarah were both decidedly more nervous. That didn’t matter, however, as Natalie took Winchele through to final tribal with her, forcing Sarah and Tony to face off with the latter surprising with victory. Sending one of my newest faves Sarah to the jury.

The final three awoke on day 39, thrilled to discover their breakfast. We then heard from the finalists one by one, with Michele speaking about how hard it was to get such a backlash against her previous win. She admitted she was proud to prove the haters wrong and show with this game, that she is a good player and didn’t fluke her first victory. Natalie admitted that while her path was non-traditional, she owned the hand that was dealt her, gaming the hell out of the Edge and never giving up. She knew that her only focus was to convince the haters on the jury and prove that she deserves to be there. 

Tony meanwhile planned to highlight how well-rounded his game was and always has been, and as such, knew he needed to convince the people whose dreams he crushed that he deserves victory. That being said, he is feeling pretty confident based on the game he played and the feedback Natalie gave everyone when she returned to the game. And felt like he was hours away from being crowned King to Sandra’s Queen. Which just feels so right, given they are both as chaotic as each other.

We then pivoted to the rain soaked tribal council where the final three were joined by the sixteen person jury – being without Sandra still hurts, I’m not going to lit – where Probst sadly didn’t pivot to the OG structure. And I will pause it there and fast forward a little bit because despite each of the final three playing a strong game, the jury didn’t seem to respect Michele’s stellar game and as such she was completely shut out of the vote. In an extremely undeserving fashion.

Given that pissed me off, I called a break in production and tapped Michele on the shoulder to eat out feelings early. And to apologise. Because I was firmly team Aubry during her original season, however it really had more to do with the fact that I love an underdog. And given how well Michele played from the bottom this season, I will gladly eat humble pie. Actually, I wish I was eating humble pie, because that would mean she would be joining Sandra as the second two-time winner. Instead, I cursed her into being a zero vote finalist by whipping up a Michele Fitzgerkald Chicken Pizza.

Yes, the curse has struck yet again. And I am so sad about it. That being said, as is always the case, this is so delicious it is hard to stay angry. Sweet, spicy and salty, it has it all – just like Winchele’s robbed goddess game.

Enjoy!

Michele Fitzgerkald Chicken Pizza
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
2 bases as per Pizsa Zsa Gabor
½ cup muscovado sugar, plus 1 tablespoon for the chicken seasoning
¼ cup chicken stock
¼ cup ketchup
¼ cup glucose syrup
1 onion, half finely diced and sliced
3 garlic cloves, minced
2 tbsp red wine vinegar
1 tsp lemon juice
½ tsp chilli flakes
¼ tsp dried thyme
¼ tsp dried oregano
½ tsp ground allspice, plus a pinch for the sauce
salt and pepper
½ tsp paprika
½ tsp garlic powder
¼ tsp cayenne pepper
¼ cup olive oil
2 chicken breasts, cut into a small dice
1 red capsicum, sliced
1 yellow capsicum, sliced
1 cup mozzarella cheese, grated
4 rashers streaky bacon, diced
2 shallots, sliced

Method
Combine half a cup of muscovado sugar, the chicken stock, ketchup, glucose syrup, the diced onion, garlic, red wine vinegar, lemon juice, chilli flakes, thyme, oregano and allspice with a good whack of salt and a smaller whack of pepper in a saucepan over medium heat. Bring to a boil, reduce heat to low and simmer for 10 minutes or until glorious and thick. Remove from the heat and allow to cool slightly.

Combine a tablespoon of muscovado sugar, a teaspoon of salt, half a teaspoon of pepper and allspice, with the paprika, garlic powder, cayenne pepper and the oil in a bowl. Toss the chicken to coat and cook in the frying pan over medium heat for five to ten minutes, or until cooked through.

Prep the base as per Zsa Zsa’s instructions and preheat the oven to 200°C.

Roll out the dough and spread with the sauce, then scatter with mozzarella, the capsicums, sliced onion and the spicy chicken. Transfer to the oven to bake for 20 minutes or so, or until golden and bubbling.

While the pizza is cooking, fry the bacon over medium heat, or until golden and crisp.

Remove the pizza from the oven and sprinkle with the bacon and shallots. Before devouring, like the icon you’ve always been.


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Parvati Shalloaded Sausage Rolls

Lunch, Main, Snack, Street Food, Survivor, Survivor: Winners at War, TV, TV Recap

Previously on Survivor we skipped checking in on our Queen of Fire Tokens Natalie and her friends on the Edge as it was time for the tribe switch! Sandra and Tony remained on top with Kim on new Dakal, while Parvati and Michele were driving the boys wild on new Sele and the mess trio of Rob, Ben and Adam were joined on the newly formed Yara tribe along with Sarah and Sophie. After the latter messed up the puzzle and booked Yara a trip to tribal council, the boys locked in their votes for Sarah despite their differences. Then Rob robbed, forcing everyone into the buddy system for the afternoon, allowing Sarah and Sophie to pantomime some plans to the boys before they joined together to blindside Rob from the game.

We ventured back to Yara the next day where the kids were thrilled to be liberated from Boston Rob; free to do what they pleased and talk to whoever they damn wanted. Ben shared that he voted for Rob because he felt a general lack of respect from him, which is why he wanted to reclaim control of his own game. Plus, he had grown really close to Sophie and Sarah and couldn’t bring himself to vote them out. Something that Adam noticed, and now worried that voting out Rob was not a good move for his game as he is now well and truly on the bottom of this tribe.

Speaking of Rob, he was loving life on the Edge of Extinction, hanging with his wife and being all cute until Tyson arrived with a note written on a log offering them the chance to earn another fire token. Obviously this filled Natalie, Amber, Danni and Ethan with dread having flashbacks to their torturous challenge before Tyson explained that they wouldn’t be pushed to the brink – today – and instead, would need to search amongst stones to find their reward, being mindful of being in the right place at the right time. Obviously that meant something about the tides and while Rob and Amber climbed the cliff, Tyson hung close to the shore and found an idol nullifier tethered to a log. Sadly for him, Rob saw him find it, leading to him needing to pretend to pee so that everyone would turn around so that he could grab it. Knowing that Parv is rolling in fire tokens, Tyson sold it to her and then immediately purchased a jar of peanut butter with his token. Rather than an advantage in the return challenge. Which honestly, is the exact choice I would make in that situation. Plus, it does give him some energy for the challenge anyway.

My love Jeffrey arrived for this week’s immunity challenge where the tribes would race out to a boat and retrieve three bags of rice. They would then work them through an obstacle, take it back to the shore and cut the bags to release three balls … which they would then use to complete a table maze. Oh and to make matters worse, only one tribe would be winning immunity today, as both losing tribes would attend tribal council separately and vote somebody out. Making everyone look like they were about to shit their pants, something that knowledge that PB&Js awaited the winners couldn’t even allay.

Yul got Sele out to an early lead, wth Yara and Dakal fighting it out for second place. Sele quickly got all their bags through the obstacle, with Dakal working hard to close the gap while Yara brought up the rear. Wait, no, they caught up again and Dakal was behind. Sele and Yara both made it to the maze at the same time, giving them an early lead over Dakal. Nick made quick work of the puzzle, landing the first ball, with Sophie quickly following and landing Yara’s first. Wendell and Kim each dropped their balls for Dakal and Sele leaving Adam to land Yara’s second ball. Wendell managed to land a second ball for Sele while Sophie danced around the third ball for a couple of seconds before ultimately landing it and giving Yara immunity.

Back at Sele the tribe commiserated about their loss while Parvati shared that she is feeling well and truly screwed, given the guys hold the numbers and that she is the biggest threat left in the game. Nick was sad about potentially getting rid of Parv, given he had always wanted to play with her but knew that he had to stick with his allies. Meanwhile Michele and Parvati caught up and agreed that yeah, Parvati is pretty much screwed, but Michele got to work trying to find one person to flip over to them. She started by approaching her ex about throwing a vote on him with Parvati to guarantee she gets her fire tokens when she is booted. This obviously made Wendell nervous and angry that she would force the vote to needlessly end up at 3-2. Parvati then tried her hand talking to Wendell and while the two of them couldn’t see eye to eye or trust each other, he did offer to vote however she wanted him to for two of her fire tokens.

While she got nothing out of him, she used that information to approach Nick to let him know that Wendell would vote him out if she paid him two fire tokens and as such, he shouldn’t trust him. And obviously that was enough to put doubt in Nick’s mind as he realised that while Parvati is a threat, it is very obvious, while he didn’t expect Wendell to be playing such a dirty game against him and as such, maybe now is the right time to turn on him.

At tribal council Wendell spoke about the fact that this season would be dictated by prior relationships, however his plan is to compartmentalise and stab everyone in the back if and when he needed. This made Nick nervous, agreeing that that may have been how they played their winning games, but that may not be the right way to win this time. Michele agreed that everyone has played a winning game and each game is different, for example, hers was more social and maybe that is what it will take this time. Parv joined the fray to agree with the others, reminding them that she likes to work with people and build trust, rather than backstabbing them. Which is true. This made Wendell annoyed because everyone was painting him as the bad guy in the situation, when he hadn’t even actually backstabbed anyone but was simply being real. Which I guess is true, but is also a terrible thing to say in Survivor.

Parvati slyly mentioned that maybe that was a pointed comment at Michele – QUEEN – with Michele agreeing that Wendell doesn’t really speak to her kindly because they have gone through things together. Parvati admitted that she feels like Wendell hasn’t really been open to her all game, which annoyed him and made him talk about the fact he was open with her about the fact she would be going home. Parv called him out on it and mentioned the offer to vote with her, which he jumped on and agreed that it is still on the table. Parv being the icon that she is, pushed him to name a name then and he stammered into silence, hopefully enough to convince Yul or Nick to join her. Wendell then tried to play the victim, sharing that he is the only one giving anything and she didn’t bother trying to come to the table.

Yul admitted that he was feeling nervous after watching them fight, unsure whether the plans that were made that afternoon would go ahead. Michele said that she loves everyone and that she truly didn’t want to hurt anyone, leading to Nick telling her that she needs to grow a backbone because people will be turning on each other for $2M. With that the tribe voted and despite pushing hard, Queen Parvati was tragically booted from the game. Though honestly, the fact she lasted this long has been a near miracle given the size of her target. Oh and in a moment of solidarity with an up and coming queen, she bequeathed her tokens to Michele.

I grabbed Parv on her way out the door and pulled her in for a massive hug. While I was gutted to see her go out the door, she once again came into the game with the biggest target and the fact it took a bad swap to finally take her out after a masterful start to the game was nearly exhilarating. Plus, if one of those Edge challenges is endurance, she is the clear favourite to come back. She was obviously touched by my gushing, though more touched we got to share a pair of Parvati Shalloaded Sausage Rolls like the besties we are.

These are a little bit basic and a little bit trashy, but so am I. And when something tastes this good, I will defend it for all time. Combining all the fixin’s – to borrow a phrase of Probst – from loaded fries and throwing them on a snag roll, it is the easiest way to fill you with joy. Or dull the pain of losing Parvati.

Enjoy! 

Parvati Shalloaded Sausage Rolls
Serves: 2.

Ingredients
2 Alyssausage Edwards Rolls or frozen ones, no judgement
4 rashers streaky bacon, diced
⅓ cup vintage cheddar, grated
3 shallots, sliced
1 tbsp sour cream
pinch of smoked paprika

Method
Cook the sausage rolls per Alyssa’s recipe (or the packet instructions).

Pop a small skillet over medium heat and cook the bacon until nice and crisp.

To assemble, pop a snag roll on your plate, top with a little bit of cheese, some bacon, the shallots and a little more cheese – the quantity is but a suggestion, follow your heart not your cardiologist. Drizzle with the sour cream and dust with the smoked paprika, before devouring immediately.


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Henry Gorenicholson

Australian Survivor, Australian Survivor (2017), Australian Survivor: All Stars, Main, Street Food, TV, TV Recap

Previously on Australian Survivor physical battles dominated the game, leading to a focus on strength on each tribe. After going on a losing streak, Vakama were determined not to return to tribal council and came to both challenges fired up. After scoring a fish and chip reward – kinda – Mat found an idol in front of the entire tribe, much to Locky’s dismay who finally wanted to be the person to snag an idol. At the immunity challenge – which was again super physical – Michelle quickly dropped out, putting her tribe on the back foot from the start, which tragically led to their loss. Also Shonee sat out on a bench which featured a clue to the hidden immunity idol which see didn’t see, which is just as tragic as you could imagine. Back at camp Henry pushed to get rid of Sharn, which made Nick decide it was Henry’s time to go. While Abbey and the Athletes – who sound like the world’s shittiest band – opted to focus on strength and sent Queen Michelle out of the game.

The next day Mokuta was feeling mighty miserable, which obviously led to John welcoming Lee into the Australian Survivor nudity club. The self-annointed Dumb Dumb Club frolicked, flipped and showed off their gloriously pasty buns and hot damn, I’m drippin’ more than the Fijian skies.

Meanwhile over at Vakama the mood was just as low, though tragically far more clothed as Locky worked his arse off to keep the tribe afloat in the torrential ran. Add to that the fact he is sitting pretty in the majority alliance AND is falling for Brooke, and you could say that Locky is on cloud nine. Wait, scrap that, he is fixated on the fact that Mat has an idol and as such, he decided to start wearing it around camp to taunt poor love struck Locky. As Mat desperately wants to make him look as silly as possible.

We returned to Mokuta where the rain had stopped, the clothes were tragically back on and the tribe were doing some home improvements like a less chic version of Brad and Monica Culpepper. Well except for Henry, who was busy doing his best Coach impersonation while Nick worried about how to deal with him after spooking him at the last tribal council. With that Nick started to do damage control as Henry ranted and raved about how to save himself and play like he has no other option, while Nick sat in the shelter looking like he is about to shit himself. Based on the conversation Nick decided that Henry’s next target is going to be Shonee, so instead of trying to manage him, approaches the rest of the tribe to warn them how dangerous Henry is, so that everyone manages the situation on his behalf.

Speaking of Henry, he was reflecting on his first time in the game and remembering his mother, who passed away just before he went out. Not one to be down for count, Henry channelled his grief and as Nick feared, started working his way round the tribe to show how strong he is and play up how weak our icon Shonee is.

My love Jonathan arrived for the reward challenge – sadly clothed – where each tribe would face off one-or-one to knock an idol of the other’s handle with the first to four scoring victory. For a huge pack of cones, so you know Harry is excited. Mat and Henry were first to face off, with Henry chasing him down like prey and quickly snagging the point. Abbey made quick work of Moana, Queen Shonee was felled by Phoebe, Zach destroyed AK before Henry’s tricky juggling skills scored Mokuta the victory over David. Before the tribe headed out to smash their ice cream, Locky and Phoebe interrupted the proceedings and told Jonathan that they would like to use their previous reward and join then at the ice cream shop. Thankfully Jonathan is a messy icon, and asked them which two people they would like to send, outing their lie that it had to be used by them to the rest of their tribe.

At reward Harry was well and truly in his element, making ice creams and running around like a delirious child. Speaking of deliriousness, Henry was thrilled to show off his strength, so was working overtime to make as many friends as possible while they were all sugared up. Meanwhile Locky and Phoebe were filling everyone in on how much better the Mokuta camp is before Locky split up to gather intel from his rivals. While the tribe, smartly, stayed quiet. Making it super awkward, and honestly, painted a target on his back. Meanwhile my queen Shonee was loving the sugar but more importantly, loved finding a hidden immunity idol clue under a log. Redeeming herself for the day before. She bided her time until the tribe cleared out to wash their hands before she learnt that the idol was hidden under the well. She went for a wander into the jungle to find the well and got to work lifting it out of the way, grabbing the idol and then returning the well to its place.

Oh and she was wandering around in a jumpsuit and slides.

Terrified about being caught, she panicked about whether the well looked weird before her best friend Nick stumbled upon her. After confirming that the well looked normal, she looped her ally in on the intel and honestly, their happy dancing was too pure for this world and I ship the hell out of them.

The delicious Jonathan returned for the immunity challenge where the tribes were required to build a staircase out of heavy logs before collecting a hammer, pounding in some stakes, releasing a tunnel, climbing through a mud pit and some obstacles before shooting some baskets from a deck using a catapult. Mokuta got out to an early lead on the log stairs while Vakama struggled to grip their logs, given they were wet and slippery. I mean, I’m sad I have to use Jono’s smutty puns, but they also make me so proud of him. While I was welling up with pride, Vakama started to close the gap when it came to shooting baskets, thanks to Lee’s extremely steep learning curve. With both tribes even on nothing, Henry swapped in for Mokuta while Locky started to score basket after basket. Ultimately scoring a huge come from being immunity for Vakama while Henry narrowly avoided a nudie run, scoring one basket for the tribe.

Back at camp Nick quickly made it his priority to rally the troops against Henry, however was banging his head against a brick wall given all of the athletes are so passionate about keeping the strength. Thankfully Lee surprised me and was receptive to the idea of getting rid of Henry, and the plan quickly evolved to splitting the votes between him and Zach and getting rid of Zan Hen. Sadly for them however Abbey and Lydia weren’t feeling the plan, and Henry was busy winning over John by the fire. With Zaddy John, tragically agreeing to join him to vote out Shonee. They quickly pulled in Zach before taking the athletes aside to rope them into the plan, unaware that Harry – who invited himself along – is actually aligned with Shonee.

Harry took this information back to his fellow rascals, with Shonee quickly letting him know that she found an idol and as such, she will use it if she gets even a hint of danger. Wanting to keep the idol for a rainy day however, they split up to change the tide of the vote and continue to highlight Henry as the biggest threat. While they started to make inroads, Lydia warned Henry that people are nervous about his erratic gameplay and it would be wise to play an idol should he have one. With that, he decided to quickly throw together an idol and then plant and find it in front of everyone at tribal council. Which hopefully would be enough to force Shonee to play her real one. And given she is the CEO of the tribe, why wouldn’t she?

At tribal council Nick admitted that the tribe is still not really cohesive but hopefully after tonight, they actually will be. He used it as a rallying cry against Henry, highlighting the importance of predictability to the game. Abbey spoke about playing emotionally, Lee said that try as they might, they can’t separate their hearts from the game. Jonathan asked Lydia if they were strictly targeting the weakest, which she tried to dance around and said that she is solely focussed on doing what the majority want. Obviously Zach was all in on keeping the tribe strong before Shonee reminded everyone that they have actually won the same amount of the challenges and as such, they shouldn’t be so focussed on losing two immunity challenges in a row. John lied and said literally anyone could go tonight before Henry weighed in and said that that is a lie and in fact he or Shonee would be going tonight. Though he at least can add some strength to the tribe.

Shonee countered that she has something far more important and that is loyalty and doing what she says. Henry tried to counter it, challenging people to give him a chance. Nick tried to bring things back to making a logical decision and getting rid of the erratic players, while Henry’s eyes darted around looking for his fake idol amongst the trees. Shonee appeared to grow more and more nervous and as they were about to vote, Henry showed off his erratic behaviour, making a huge deal about finding his fake immunity idol. Shonee and Nick were unconvinced about his display and tried to calm the tribe, but they were all extremely nervous as they headed out to vote. Given she was too stressed to be blessed, Shonee played her idol and challenged Henry to play his, should it be real. Which it wasn’t so he didn’t, and as such, he found himself voted out of the game after Queen Shonee negated the majority of votes that were cast against her.

Whether it was in his best interests or not, Henry played his heart out and that is something I will always love about him. Plus, he is a total babe, despite not getting in on the nudity action. I took him in my arms as he arrived at Loser Lodge before sitting him down and berating him like Tyra did Tiffany for daring to try and target the one true Queen of Australian Survivor, my Shonee.


Emotionally spent, the only thing I could do was apologise for being not mad, disappointed in him and serving him a piping hot bowl of you-should-have-aligned-with-Shonee Henry Gorenicholson.

 

 

With as much fire as Henry had right out of the gate, this quick throw together meal appears anything but. Rich, tasty and packing a punch, you can’t be sad with this on your plate. Even if you don’t make the jury and are unlovable.

Enjoy!

 

 

Henry Gorenicholson
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
2 tsp peanut oil
2 shallots, thinly sliced
4 garlic cloves, minced
500g beef mince
salt and pepper, to taste
2 bunches bok choy, trimmed and halved
1 red capsicum, thinly sliced
1 bunch broccolini, trimmed and cut into 2cm lengths
2 tbsp kecap manis
1 tbsp sriracha sauce
1 lime, zested and juiced
200g thin egg noodles, cooked as per packet instructions

Method
Heat the oil in a wok over high heat and once scorching, add the shallot and garlic and cook for a minute. Add the mince and cook, breaking up with a wooden spoon, for a couple of minutes, or until nice and browned. Season with a good whack of salt and pepper, and reduce heat to medium.

Stir through the bok choy, capsicum and broccolini, and cook for a further minute or so. Add the kecap manis, sriracha, lime zest and juice, and stir until sticky and starting to thicken.

Remove from heat and toss through the noodles. Adjust the seasoning and serve immediately.

And devour. Always devour.

 

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Steak Diana Piessana

Main, Oscar Gold, Oscar Gold XCII: Gold Basketball, Pie

In the melancholy of honouring such a dear, recently departed friend, I didn’t even notice that we’re now past the halfway point of this year’s Oscar Gold celebration, Gold Basketball. While Quentin and Nat were more joyous occasions, seeing Kobe yesterday was so bittersweet, that I needed to see my lovely writing pal, Diana Ossana.

While I didn’t meet Di until filming of Brokeback Mountain – when I was a part of Michelle’s entourage – we became truly close, as she valued my experiences as a gay farmer to shape production.

Thankfully she never found out about the fact I lied about being a gay farmer and we’ve been the best of friends ever since.

Di has been busy writing her latest movie with Larry, so we haven’t been able to catch-up as much as we would like. It was such a joy to finally see her in the flesh again, share a hug and run the screenwriting odds for this year’s Oscars.

Like me, Di doesn’t believe anything will beat Parasite for Best Original Screenplay. Well, unless he wins Best Director, in which case I think Quen will get it for Once Upon a Time in Hollywood. As far as Adapted Screenplay goes, my heart desperately wants to call it for Greta Gerwig for the best adaptation of Little Women of all time (at the risk of sounding like Kanye). However Di’s logic for backing Taika Waititi is solid, given Jojo Rabbit is coming off a killer run in the key precursors.

With that settled, we took a seat together, toasted our ongoing successes and put all our good energy into a Greta win – despite how much I love Taika too – and demolished a big serve of Steak Diana Piessana.

 

 

Like the great Oscar winning meal of Steak Diane Keaton, this baby is so damn comforting. Hearty chunks of beef, the sweet mix of shallots and brandy and a kick of parsley freshness work together to make a beautiful gravy. That is only improved by the inclusion of mash and pastry.

Enjoy!

 

 

Steak Diana Piessana
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
1 tbsp butter
1 tbsp olive oil
500g beef, diced
3 shallots, sliced
3 garlic cloves, minced
¼ cup flour
salt and pepper, to taste
¼ cup brandy
1 cup beef stock
1 tbsp dijon mustard
2 tsp worcestershire sauce
¼ cup cream
¼ cup parsley, roughly chopped
500g potatoes, diced
500g pumpkin, diced
1 sheet puff pastry
1 egg, whisked

Method
Preheat oven to 180°C.

Place a large pot of salted water with potatoes and pumpkin over high heat and bring to the boil, once rolicking, reduce to a low and leave to simmer for 5-10 minutes, or until tender. Mash as you normally would and leave covered while you cook the rest.

Combine the butter and olive oil in a dutch oven and place over medium heat. Add the beef, shallots and garlic, and cook, stirring, for a couple of minutes. Add the flour and a good whack of salt and pepper, and cook for a further couple of minutes.

Reduce heat to low and add the brandy, stirring as you go to avoid large lumps forming. Follow that with the stock, dijon and Worcestershire, and cook, stirring, for a further half an hour, or until the sauce has thickened.

Remove from the heat and stir through the cream and parsley.

Transfer the meat and gravy to a pie dish, top with the mash and top with the pastry. Brush with the whisked egg, cut a slit into the top and transfer to the oven to bake for half an hour, or until golden and crisp.

Leave to rest for five minutes, before devouring. Greedily.

 

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South West ShickAnn Huanger

Burgers, Main, Street Food, Survivor, Survivor: All Stars, Survivor: Thailand

This time next week we will have ventured to an island featuring absurdly large busts of Survivor icons Sandra and Rob, Jeffrey will no doubt have spoken about balls and poles and our first boot will have eaten their feelings with me in Ponderosa.

But more importantly, that means I have one more icon to celebrate as we anticipate the return. Which is where my dear, dear, Shii Ann comes in to play.

While All Stars cops a lot of flack because of the ugly, bitterness there was one shining light and that was the iconic underdog herself Shi Ann. I mean, name a more iconic moment than her winning immunity at the exact moment she so desperately needed it and then proceed to rub it in the faces of everyone that she was up against.

It was that spitfire moment that truly solidified her place in my heart and I was honoured that she accepted the invite to be the showstopper of this season’s countdown. Particularly since she is busy with her real estate career in NYC.

Obviously we gossiped about the cast and the upcoming season – she agrees that Janet and Elaine are icons that need to be protected at all cost – but mostly we caught up on how she has been (great), whether she would come back for another season (yes) and most importantly, whether my ex Frederick still pines after me (of course).

We then sat down to a plate of piping hot South West ShickAnn Huangers and toasted to the season ahead.

 

 

A little kick of chilli, a punch of lime and the creamy guacamole work together to make this burger sing. I mean, only stupid, stupid people wouldn’t agree that it is perfection.

Enjoy!

 

 

South West ShickAnn Huanger
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
500g chicken mince
½ cup black beans, rinsed and drained
½ cup corn, rinsed and drained
3 shallots, sliced
2 garlic cloves, minced
2 tsp chilli flakes
1 tsp cumin
1 lime, zested and juiced
4 Kirsten Bunst
olive oil
1 tomato, sliced
a handful butter lettuce leaves, rinsed and drained
1 batch Lady Guagamole
hot sauce, to serve

Method
Start by combining the mince, black beans, corn, shallots, garlic, chilli, cumin and lime in a bowl, and scrunching with your hands until well combined. Split into four patties.

Place a skillet over medium heat and add the split buns to toast for a couple of minutes.

Add a good lug of oil to the pan and cook the patties for a few minutes before flipping and cooking for a remaining five minutes, or until cooked through.

To assemble, place a hearty dollop of guacamole on the base of the roll. Add a few slices of tomato, lettuce, the patty, hot sauce and another dollop of guac. Just because.

Then devour, greedily, rubbing it in the faces of those that didn’t get a burg.

 

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Tex Mex van den Burger

Burgers, Main, Snack, Survivor, Survivor: Africa, Survivor: All Stars

There are less than three weeks until the new season of Survivor kicks off and we almost have an official cast – remember the good old days when the pre-season lasted four weeks, swoon – and as such, I convinced my boy Lex van den Berghe to drop by and help me celebrate.

Sandra, not Rob. Obviously.

I’ve known Lex for decades, doing his first tattoo. Like Phoebe Buffay’s, it was a single dot after I broke down in tears admitting that I had no idea what I was doing, nor could I draw. While it was the end of my time posing as a tattooist as part of a grift, Lex appreciated my honesty and we became the best of friends.

Well until he found a pair of brothers in Africa and I stopped talking to him for a couple of years out of jealousy. Until he explained that he only aligned with Ethan because we had matching hair, after which I felt really awful for bribing Rob to eliminate him in All Stars.

(Please don’t tell him I played a part in that, it really turned out worse than I expected and I feel so guilty).

But anyway, I avoided talking too much about this seasons returnees and instead we focused on the amazing diversity of the cast we’ll learn about in the coming days and the fact that they err on the side of older. Which is something I always prefer.

Obviously Lex agrees that Janet is going to be the break-out star of the season and our dream final three is Karishma, Kellee and Noura. Oh and he is super keen to set me up with Tommy, Vince and Ronnie. Emphasis on and. With the formalities out of the way, we toasted to a good season and the dream that season 41 will be a fan voted Third Time’s the Charm on which he can dominate before smashing a Tex Mex van den Burger.

 

 

Less burger and more chilli sloppy joe, these babies are super simple and delicious enough to look impressive. Hot and spicy, sprinkled with a generous helping of cheese and piled high with all the tex-mex fixins’, there is no better way to spend time with one of your besties.

Enjoy!

 

 

Tex Mex van den Burger
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
4 Kirsten Bunst
1 serve of Chilli con Kim Carnes
1 avocado
1 lime, juiced and zested
2 shallots, sliced
salt and pepper, to taste
1 cup vintage cheddar, grated
sour cream, to taste
sriracha, to taste

Method
Cook the buns and chilli as per Kirsten and Kim’s recipes respectively.

Combine the avocado, juice and zest of the lime, shallots and a tsp of sour cream in a bowl and mash to combine. Season and leave aside.

To serve, split the buns and toast before ladle some chilli on the base. Sprinkle with cheese, dollop on some guac and sour cream and drizzle with sriracha, close the burger and devour. Joyously.

 

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