Jason Porkstein Chow Mein

Main, Street Food, Survivor South Africa, Survivor South Africa: Immunity Island, TV, TV Recap

After the longest, darkest off season Survivor is back. No not the Jiffy Pop brand of Survivor but a Survivor, and since Nico my love is super hot, you’re going to buckle in. Whether you like it or not, ok? Because this is Survivor SA.

We opened with my dear Nico, perilously close to a cliff face on the southern tip of Africa, filling me with fear and dread since we’ve all lived through enough in the last 18 months. I mean, that was worse than the Game of Thrones series finale. Anyway, my mood perked up when we met Tyson who is a babe and just like that, I love him. We followed him with Jason who is thrilled to have a homeground advantage being in SA, despite everyone having the same advantage. Though it turns out Amy kinda proved Jason may actually be correct, since she has no idea what to fear IN HER OWN COUNTRY.

Though maybe that is because in Australia, we just assume all bugs and snakes will kill you.

My hair twin Qieän was living for lady Rupert who we learnt is called Santoni. She in turn is scared by how built Marisha is and Anesu was intimidated by a shirtless old zaddy called Shaun. Nicole is looking forward to being underestimated, shirtless zaddy was shirtless so I didn’t absorb much information aside from his passion for backstabbing while sweet Pinty was pumped to be honest – no Queen Pinty. Nico then introduced us to the conceptImmunity Island which appears to be the same as Island of Secrets, which was fun and not overpowered, so I’ll let it slide.

Oh and Thoriso is ready to win, Wardah is ready to practice her mindfulness and Renier is excited to prove himself. And Tyson swung back around to tell us he will win. So I’m going to say he actually will win. As much as I love most of the cast.

The castaways finally joined Nico for an official welcome to the game where Santoni spoke about her weird and whimsical ways and damn, I love her. Tyson again reminded us he is here to win and again, I’ll listen. Until I realised Chappies was showing off his beautiful gams because now he has won something. My heart. Oh and Marisha the strong was charming and iconic, and I feel deep within my waters that I’m really going to enjoy her.

Nico explained that someone will head to Immunity Island after losing an immunity challenge. Once there they will be faced with a challenge offering them advantages and disadvantages. But that is all he was willing to share at this stage.

Nico instead announced that they would be split into two tribes based on random draw with Amy, Anela, Dino, Jason, Marisha, Nicole, Qieän, Renier, Shaun and Thoriso landing on Zamba and Vuna made up of Anesu, Carla, Chappies, Kiran, Mike, Pinty, Paul, Santoni, Tyson and Wardah. Nicole was thrilled to be on the tribe with buff queen Marisha, while Paul was annoyed to be the only buff guy on the weaker looking Vuna tribe. Though Anesu thinks orange is a colour of abundance and therefore, didn’t care. And now, I vote for her to win. Oh and Thoriso was annoyed to be with the buff squad while Amy was thrilled to be with them, as Wardah was loving the energetics of her tribe. And then Jason talked smack about his rivals’ chill ways.

But enough set-up, the tribes were immediately tasked with running into the jungle to grab as many supplies as possible in two minutes. Oh and to make things more complicated, there were two immunity necklaces for each tribe that are good for their first tribal. As they ran off Renier knew not to go for immunity and instead to look out for an advantage amongst the loot, while everyone ran around like mad for the fruit and snacks. While Dino it turns out, was the one to make a run for his tribe’s immunity necklace. And nobody from Vuna snagged one. Dino was thrilled to not become the first boot, though was nervous about what it could potentially mean for his game. Nico then announced that there was also a brown envelope with a tribe advantage in it, but the person had to reveal who they were to receive it. With Renier thrilling his tribe by the fact that he grabbed it, but I can’t help but feel the secrecy may come back to bite him. And you guessed it, I love him.

Particularly since Nico told them that Renier is a game player. Though he did win the tribe camp comfort supplies, so maybe they won’t worry too much.

With that the tribes grabbed their maps and headed off to their camps, ready to start the game. We first checked in with Zamba where Dino was apologising for grabbing the immunity necklace before the tribe went on a group trip through the jungle to get water and to get to know each other. Meanwhile at Vuna they was far more chill about things as they got to work and hanging as a pack, talking about not working too hard and just doing a temporary shelter to get them going. Chappies meanwhile was wooing me as he rubbed two sticks together in his undies to try and make fire.

We bounced back to Zamba where Renier was happy to let other people take a leadership role in the tribe and paint a target on their backs. And given how the tribe grew more and more frustrated as they attempted to build their shelter, Jason girl, you’re in trouble. Well other than Shaun and Qieän who were desperately searching through the supplies for a flint or an idol. Which Amy noticed and immediately reported to Renier, Dino, Jason and Anela. And all of them were thrilled to have a target on someone else’s back. Oh and during the conversation we learnt that Nicole and Marisha were also aligned, apparently.

At Vuna Pinty and Chappie waded in the shores and quickly aligned, Kiran and Anesu aligned in the shrubs due to attending the same university before Kiran roped Carla, Mike and Tyson into their alliance. Oh and Anesu was quick to align with Wardah, given they are both influencers and Wardah thinks Anesu should keep her career as a doctor secret. And then Wardah caught up with Tyson and aligned with him too as Chappies and Pinty tried to recruit Anseu. But let’s be honest the main take away is that everyone wants to align with Anesu. And who wouldn’t because she is now my winner’s pick.

That night Zamba were sleeping under their shelter on the ground while Vuna struggled to stay dry in the rain. Though Carla proved herself to be a damn icon and that truly matters to me.

Zamba woke up dry and comfortable on day two, ready to finish their shelter and make things more comfortable while Thoriso worried about getting herself up from the bottom of the totem pole. As such, she set her sights on Shaun and his brash lack of people skills and turning people against him.

Before she could get to that, treemail arrived tasking each tribe with sending one champion to go and battle creating fire using a flint, with the winner securing a fire making kit for their tribe. Chappies and Jason were each nominated, with Thoriso quickly surmising that by nominating Jason the tribe appear to trust him and as such, she had another target in her sights. In any event, Jason and Chappies joined Nico with the latter trying to intimidate Jason by pretending they already have fire. Which Jason rightly called bullshit on. But more importantly, I think they should date. In any event, both of the boys were quick to get a flame but Chappie ultimately smoked the competition and secured reward for his tribe.

Oh and then Nico gave them diplomatic immunity, meaning both of them now have the power to mutiny from their tribe after losing immunity but only before the merge. Which could be really interesting.

Back at camp Chappies was quick to share his victory with the tribe though wisely kept quiet about his power to defect, should he need it. While Mike pondered whether something else happened at the challenge, Chappies invoked Zaddy John and got naked and ran into the water as a dick-straction. So basically, I love Chappies and would die for him. Meanwhile at Zamba, Jason was heartbroken to have lost and he too kept his mouth shut about his immutinity. Queen Thoriso meanwhile was frustrated by the fact the loss won’t really change anything for Jason and right on cue, he wandered off to align with Shaun.

That night at Vuna, the tribe joyously gathered around fire and basked in the warmth and victory as they roasted their veggies.

The next day Nico returned for the first immunity challenge of the season where the tribes would swim out to retrieve rope rungs from buoys before using them to build a rope ladder to get to a second level of a tower where they would need to solve a rope ladder puzzle and then venture to the top floor and wait wait wait, I’ve missed this, solve a puzzle. Renier got Zamba off to a slight lead over Chappies, which Paul quickly closed as Jason was felled by knots. Vuna continued to hold on to their lead, building their ladder while Zamba desperately tried to close the gap. Until Santoni struggled and the tribes became neck and neck. Zamba got their start on the second ladder first, getting to the final level while Vuna languished on the second. But then the puzzle happened, as Vuna smoked them and snatched the first immunity thanks to Queen Anesu. As Dino begged Paul to save him and send him to immunity island.

Sadly for him, the tribe went with my Queen Thoriso. Which is the only answer I was willing for them to make.

We followed Thoriso off to Immunity Island where she learnt that she had earned immunity for herself, as well as food, shelter and fire. But obviously there was a cost, where she could face a challenge for another advantage and risk losing her vote at the next tribal. Though if she doesn’t play, she has to return to the tribe and hand over the immunity necklace to someone else. Obviously she opted for the challenge and got digging in a sandpit to find a red ball within a couple of minutes, which she sadly failed at and ended up losing her vote.

Back at camp Shaun was annoyed by Dino trying to align with the other tribe while Amy languished over being the reason they lost the challenge. Dino acknowledged that he was trying to woo the other tribe and Rinna it (aka owning it) to his advantage. Thankfully for him, Amy, Nicole and Marisha didn’t care as they desperately wanted Qieän gone first and were willing to join him. Meanwhile Jason and Anela – aka Smash – were catching up about who best to target and focused on the scramblers, which made Jason nervous given he is aligned with Shaun. In fact, it made Jason so nervous while trying to protect Shaun that Anela started to think Jason needed to go.

Shaun meanwhile was busy searching everywhere for the idol.

Renier joined Jason to talk plans and while they were aligned, Renier grew nervous about Jason’s unpredictability. And immediately got to work turning the vote on Jason. The girls quickly got on board, but only if Smash was willing to join them. Then Jason and Renier spoke to Dino about the vote, with Renier earning icon status by pointing at Jason to let Dino know to vote for him. While Jason was confused as to why he was holding his hand up the entire conversation. Meanwhile Shaun was desperately trying to get Anela to protect him, surmising that since nobody has given him a name, he is clearly the name. Which really upset Qieän, given it was a sign that she will be an early boot.

At tribal council Thoriso rejoined her tribe, completely unaware that even without immunity she would have been safe tonight. Shaun spoke about the nervousness caused by the backstabbing of the previous day as people were looking to build their alliances. Jason spoke about the beautiful friendships they are already forming, before Shaun cut in to tell them that friendship is nothing and they need strength to make it to the merge. Amy spoke about focusing on trust as her deciding factor while Shaun continued to try and cut in, this time talking about working hard and being above board with everything. With Anela cutting him off to point out the target was on his back because he was searching through the food for an advantage.

Shaun said he was actually trying to find bad fruit to dispose of it before it ruins the rest of their food. Shaun told them that if they felt he had an idol, they should have gone through his bags or at least asked him. Because that is how you build trust. Thoriso was thrilled to have immunity amongst such uncertainty, while Shaun pointed out that he would always be the target. And then instead opted to remind everyone that Dino is trying to build bonds with people on the other tribe. Thankfully that was brushed over as Thoriso was forced to announce that she doesn’t have a vote at tribal, which didn’t bother Jason because one vote doesn’t really matter should you have the numbers.

Which he tragically learnt he didn’t as he was blindsided – genuinely, I might add – as the first boot. Much to the shock and delight of Shaun, who didn’t receive a single vote. He was gutted but delightful, given he is such a babe and as such, I was thrilled to fill me, hard, to the brim with some Jason Porkstein Chow Mein.

Spicy, sticky and oh so sweet, these noodles are near perfection. A little bit of hit, full of fresh veggies and packed with my other other favourite white meat. Noodles and stir fry are always a winner, particularly if you’re the first boot.

Enjoy!

Jason Porkstein Chow Mein
Serves: 4-6.

Ingredients
5 garlic cloves, crushed
1 tbsp minced ginger
¼ cup shao hsing
⅓ cup oyster sauce
¼ cup soy sauce
¼ tsp ground white pepper
1 tbsp vegetable oil
500g pork mince
1 onion, sliced
1 red capsicum, sliced
400g tin baby corn
1 cup snow peas, trimmed
2 tbsp minced chilli
440g fresh chow mein noodles
1 cup wombok, sliced
4 shallots, sliced green

Method
Mix the garlic, ginger, shao hsing, oyster sauce, soy sauce and pepper together in a jug and leave to rest.

Place a wok over medium-high heat and add half the vegetable oil and quickly stir fry the mince until cooked through. Add half the sauce and cook until sticky and browned. Transfer to a bowl to cook.

Heat the rest of the oil in the wok and add literally everything but the noodles, wombok and shallots. Stir fry for a couple of minutes and then add the remaining ingredients and cook for a few minutes.

Remove from heat, serve immediately and devour. Joyously. Because a Survivor is back and Jason is as gorgeous as a stir fry.

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Pork A’Whoragu and Gnocchi

Main, Pasta, RuPaul's Drag Race UK, RuPaul’s Drag Race UK 2, TV, TV Recap

Previously on RuPaul’s Drag Race UK the queens turned themselves into superheroes, using all of the items we hoarded during lockdown. So basically, toilet paper, flour, yeast and eggs. After winning the reading challenge, Sister took hoarding to the next level and snatched literally everything from the loot before the other girls were even able to make a play for anything. Tayce drew inspiration from Baga with her steel wool scraps, while A’Whora destroyed and took out her second victory with one of the best design looks to ever grace the mainstage while Sister looks like she was living in the Mushroom Kingdom, on mushrooms. After Tayce landed in the bottom opposite her, the extra hoarding proved all for nought as Tayce once again assassinated the lip sync and sent home another Sister (Sister).

Backstage the girls were thrilled to make the top five, with Tayce particularly feeling giddy about felling another queen. To the point that she couldn’t even read her farewell message correctly. Lawrence meanwhile was nervous for Tayce, knowing that she can’t make it to the end on lip syncs alone. But given what we’ve seen, can she? The girls congratulated A’Whora on her second victory, before talk turned to Lawrence being on a bottoming streak and as such, A’Whora felt she needed to turn it up or get out of the way. Ellie decided to make things awkward and share that she felt they were going to be the top five after the COVID break, with A’Whora agreeing but telling her that she thinks she will be the next to go since she doesn’t have a badge.

Oh and Tayce admitted she has no idea what comes out of her mouth in confessionals which doesn’t add anything, but is important and adorable. And explains why I love her so.

The next day Ellie was still fired up about the girls underestimating her, vowing to step it up, play the game and prove herself in the competition. With Bimini doubling down and sharing that if she really doesn’t get a win soon, she may as well pack up and go home. A’Whora and Ellie’s arguing about the crux of the last challenge was interrupted by Ru arriving for this week’s mini challenge where the dolls would dress in boy drag to compete in the Masc 4 Masc Singer to “Hey, Kitty Girl” with the butchest topping. Ellie opted to take a risk, pivot and go with ‘80s androgynous realness, while A’Whora was flooding Ellie’s basement in her leather daddy look. Lawrence looked like Conchita Wurst’s brother, Tayce was a young Iggy Pop and Bimini looked like Sid Vicious and Kid Rock had a baby.

All of the dolls were totally demented and while Tayce was my personal favourite and A’Whora’s hilarious assurances of not knowing who Lady Gaga is, it was Ellie who took out a well deserved victory. And as such, she was given the power to decide the order in this week’s love themed comedy show maxi challenge. Oh and perform in front of my legendary friend, Dawn French.

The girls split up to work on their sets before, as she promised, Ellie opted to go in and set each and every queen up for failure. She put the weaker girls at the start and end, with A’Whora and Tayce taking out each slot while popping herself after A’Whora followed by Bimini and Lawrence before the aforementioned icon, Tayce. Lawrence immediately blew up, pointing out it was a terrible line-up and not only set up everyone else poorly, but that it will also screw herself over. Ellie stood up for herself though, pointing out it is a game and she needs to play it. Lawrence questioned whether she thinks she can actually score victory, with Ellie pointing out that following A’Whora is her best shot and she needs to take it. Much to Tayce’s delight.

Oh and then Ellie made the mistake of asking whether everyone is happy with their place, with Bimini assuring her that she will slay no matter where she performs while Lawrence cussed her out yet again. As Tayce delighted in the drama. Poor Ellie started to spiral, with Tayce and Bimini assuring her that playing the game isn’t wrong and to not feel bad about it, the latter pointing out again that good material is good no matter where it is placed. As Lawrence and A’Whora continued to simmer in the corner.

Speaking of A’Whora she was first to meet Alan for a tutorial and given most of her jokes were beeped, we only know it was filthy and not much else. Ellie justified placing everyone where she did, before delighting Alan with her dirty, deep voiced alter ego. Despite the set feeling a bit confusing. Bimini admitted that she has only performed stand-up twice, meaning she absolutely destroyed her rehearsal and left with not once piece of feedback. Lawrence thankfully didn’t let her anger get in her way, landing her punchlines with minimal direction required. And Tayce, bless, walked out and charmed her way into the rehearsal, having Alan in hysterics before even getting to material. Then Alan told her to focus on her love for beans on toast and well, I hope that is good advice.

Elimination Day rolled around with Lawrence and A’Whora admitting that sleeping on the order only made them angrier at Ellie, willing karma to strike her down. Lawrence desperately tried to get the tawdry details out of Tayce and A’Whora’s past, with them admitting that they are just friends. Tayce then spoke about her first ever date, which resulted in multiple STDs and made her lose her trust in men and brought down her self-esteem as she questioned why she hasn’t found someone to love her. This bonded Tayce and Lawrence, united by their insecurities and how drag gives them the confidence to take over the world. And ugh, again, I love them all so much.

As A’Whora took the stage, it was very clear that she didn’t opt to clean up her act, having the entire second half of her set bleeped, while the start was all about sex and had the judges chuckling and cringing in equal measure. I mean, even Tayce was blushing in her confessional. Ellie Diamond was up next and delighted the judges with her demon voice, though I still didn’t really get it. That being said, she was having fun, she was smutty and when she started to confuse the judges, I loved it. Despite it ending out of nowhere.

Bimini was up next and owned the stage from the very first moment, with smart jokes, killer punchlines, references to the judges careers and a great rhythm. Again, just give her the down crown – Bimini is a star. As Lawrence feared, following Bimini was the order equivalent of climbing Everest. But damn if she didn’t work hard to overcome it, having the judges in stitches from the very first moment. Until she took an extended time to get to her final punchline and lost the momentum. Rounding out the show, Tayce brought her usual charm to the performance, shading her competitors and delighting everyone. Before Meg Ryan-ing over her passion for beans. Sadly that was it, as she then went through a series of small lines which ended with it being a story for another time, with her potentially needing to bring one of those stories up to flesh out this time.

As always A’Whora slayed on the Stoned on the Runway runway, complete with stoned IV and stunning headpiece. Ellie meanwhile was a sexy, angel Dolly Parton before Bimini killed it once again as a sexy, punk, acne breakout. Lawrence was a pink, stoned alien, while Tayce was glorious as a shimmering, metallic warrior and ugh, I love it.

The judges lived for A’Whora’s outfit, though she was cautioned to maybe edit her material for the audience, given the show is on the BBC. That being said, Alan commended her on coming out and opening the show with such confidence. Ellie was read for not having rhythm in her set, though the judges lived for her snow queen runway. As is becoming a trend, the judges lived for everything Bimini did, praising her killer material, her intelligence and her chameleon, brave and stunning runways. Lawrence was praised for everything she did, however as feared, she clearly couldn’t overcome following Bimini despite comedy coming most naturally to her. Tayce was praised for surprising everyone with her comedy chops, despite the judges wanting to hear the end of some of her stories. And rightfully, they loved everything about her runway.

Backstage A’Whora’s rage exploded, furious that Ellie’s plan worked and she clearly landed in the bottom. Ellie once again tried to explain her position and admitted that she felt horrible about upsetting her and Lawrence. This obviously didn’t sit well with Lawrence, who tore into Ellie again because at the end of the day, she could have changed the order if it bothered her, but she didn’t. Once again Tayce was the only one seeing sense, reminding us that if you stumble, maybe you should have looked at the floor if you thought someone was trying to trip you. Ellie pointed out Ru was delighted by her choices, which made Lawrence even more incensed with Bimini rightly pointing out that the latter’s rage runs much deeper than the order.

Ultimately Lawrence was once again pipped at the post by Bimini, which in my opinion would have happened no matter where either of the performers placed in the line-up. Ellie meanwhile managed to save herself, simply by not being as filthy as A’Whora, who landed in the bottom with Tayce. Poor A’Whora was fighting back tears as Dusty Springfield’s You Don’t Have To Say You Love Me started up, but boy did she push through. The besties channelled their obvious emotions into the performances, hitting every lyric and selling the pain of the song as they fought for their places in the competition. Sadly for A’Whora, it wasn’t enough as Tayce well and truly took her place as the lip sync assassin of Drag Race UK, sending her best friend and roommate home.

A’Whora quickly found me by following the sound of my screaming tears all the way back into the Werk Room. While I wasn’t willing to jump in and pile more hate on Ellie – I live for the drama she caused, obviously – I did admit that she and Lawrence were hard done by, though I don’t really think their order in the performance would have changed things for either of them. A’Whora and I then started screaming at each other before I pulled her in for a hug, apologised and told her how heartbroken I was she didn’t make the finale. But as always, I reminded her that being robbed is always better than overstaying your welcome and as such, we both felt better. Though how can you not when you’ve got a big bowl of Pork A’Whoragu and Gnocchi in front of you?

This tweaked Laura Sharrad number – hey, we all watched a lot of Masterchef during lockdown, ok? – is near perfection. Light, fluffy gnocchi and the aggressively spiced ragu pair perfectly to create a heart, robust meal that soothes any and all pains. Particularly of the post-boot variety.

Enjoy!

Pork A’Whoragu and Gnocchi
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
1 onion, diced
2 sticks celery, diced
1 carrot, grated
4 garlic cloves, minced
salt and pepper, to taste
650g pork mince
2 tsp ground cinnamon
2 tsp ground clove
1 cup red wine
1.6kg canned diced tomatoes
500g floury potatoes, peeled and chopped into a generous dice (larger pieces, less water absorbed)
pinch freshly grated nutmeg
1 egg, beaten
110g plain flour, plus extra to dust
shaved parmigiano, to serve

Method
To make the ragu, heat a good lug of olive oil in a pan over medium heat and saute the onion, garlic, celery and carrot until soft and sweet. Season well. Stir in the pork, cinnamon and clove and cook, breaking up with a wooden spoon, until cooked through. Add the wine and tomatoes, bring to the boil before reducing to low and simmering for a couple of hours, or until reduced and thick.

While the ragu is simmering, get to work on the gnocchi which despite my best instincts, I make from scratch from this given I feel it is necessary for the delicious ragu. As such, pop the potatoes in a pan of cold water – this is important – bring to the boil and cook until just tender. Drain the potatoes, return to the pan and cook over low heat, stirring, for a minute or two to get rid of all the excess moisture. Allow to cool completely.

Pass through a ricer or mash aggressively until smooth and your rage sorted. Add the nutmeg, eggs, a pinch of salt and flour and gently bring together with your hands until it has just come together and no more

Once it has come together, dust the bench and your hands with flour and take about a quarter of the dough, roll into a 1.5cm thick log. Slice into 2cm lengths, use the back of a fork to roll the gnocchi to give you the imprint – press the fork down into the length and pull towards you – and place on a floured baking sheet to rest. Repeat the process until they are all done and allow them to rest for an hour or so.

Bring a large pot of salted water to the boil. Cook the gnocchi in batches until they rise to the surface, remove with a slotted spoon to a colander and repeat until they’re done. Then fold through the ragu and serve with a generous heap of the parmigiano. And devour, regally.

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Mushroom & Turka Pattitis

Main, Poultry

Not only is Taika one of the most beautiful men I’ve been lucky to have a fling with, he is also insanely talented, intelligent, hilarious and caring. And now the man has a freaking Oscar? I can’t. Honestly every time I dwell on that thought for more than a second, I started to well up with pride and joy, in equal measure. Despite his victory costing Greta Gerwig – who I really need to see ASAP – once again.

As soon as he landed in Brisbane, I ran onto the tarmac, jimmied open the plane and pulled him in for the biggest, most celebratory hug you could imagine. While I was then detained by police for breaking hundreds of security protocols, Taika being a total babe, bailed me out and drove me back to my house while I made out with his Oscar like Bong had gotten a hold of us.

Once inside, I broke down in tears and told him how proud I was. And how grateful I was that The Suicide Squad production could be paused to celebrate with me.

That being said, I didn’t tell him that it was actually Margot that hooked us up with the down time. But anyway …

Once inside, we laughed, we cried and I desperately tried to get him to write a new gay, weak and chubby version of Thor to debut in the next movie. While he may have been non-committal, he was still so kind and asked me to send him videos of me fleshing out the character – sicko – before we sat down to demolish some Mushroom & Turka Pattitis.

Light and fresh, packing a very herby punch, these patties are the perfect accompaniment to a salad. Or thrown on a burg. Or topping a garlicky mash and drowned in gravy. Or paired with a muffin, egg and cheese. It can do anything. And by that, it is versatile … like Taika and I.

Enjoy!

Mushroom & Turka Pattitis
Serves: 2.

Ingredients
olive oil, to taste
250g mushrooms, finely diced
4 garlic cloves, minced
500g turkey mince
2 tbsp chives, sliced
1 egg
1 cups breadcrumbs
2 tsp dried oregano
2 tsp dried parsley
1 tsp dried basil
1 tsp dried thyme
½ tsp ground chilli

Method
Preheat oven to 160C.

Heat a lug of olive oil in a skillet over medium heat and cook the mushrooms for a couple of minutes, or until nice and soft. Add the garlic and cook for a further minute. Transfer to a large mixing bowl to cool slightly.

Once cooled, add the remaining ingredients to the bowl and scrunch together with your hands until well combined. Shape into 8 patties, place on a lined baking sheet and transfer to the oven to bake for twenty minutes, or until cooked through.

Serve immediately with a salad. Or all of the potential options I listed earlier. I’m too lazy to list them again.

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Henry Gorenicholson

Australian Survivor, Australian Survivor (2017), Australian Survivor: All Stars, Main, Street Food, TV, TV Recap

Previously on Australian Survivor physical battles dominated the game, leading to a focus on strength on each tribe. After going on a losing streak, Vakama were determined not to return to tribal council and came to both challenges fired up. After scoring a fish and chip reward – kinda – Mat found an idol in front of the entire tribe, much to Locky’s dismay who finally wanted to be the person to snag an idol. At the immunity challenge – which was again super physical – Michelle quickly dropped out, putting her tribe on the back foot from the start, which tragically led to their loss. Also Shonee sat out on a bench which featured a clue to the hidden immunity idol which see didn’t see, which is just as tragic as you could imagine. Back at camp Henry pushed to get rid of Sharn, which made Nick decide it was Henry’s time to go. While Abbey and the Athletes – who sound like the world’s shittiest band – opted to focus on strength and sent Queen Michelle out of the game.

The next day Mokuta was feeling mighty miserable, which obviously led to John welcoming Lee into the Australian Survivor nudity club. The self-annointed Dumb Dumb Club frolicked, flipped and showed off their gloriously pasty buns and hot damn, I’m drippin’ more than the Fijian skies.

Meanwhile over at Vakama the mood was just as low, though tragically far more clothed as Locky worked his arse off to keep the tribe afloat in the torrential ran. Add to that the fact he is sitting pretty in the majority alliance AND is falling for Brooke, and you could say that Locky is on cloud nine. Wait, scrap that, he is fixated on the fact that Mat has an idol and as such, he decided to start wearing it around camp to taunt poor love struck Locky. As Mat desperately wants to make him look as silly as possible.

We returned to Mokuta where the rain had stopped, the clothes were tragically back on and the tribe were doing some home improvements like a less chic version of Brad and Monica Culpepper. Well except for Henry, who was busy doing his best Coach impersonation while Nick worried about how to deal with him after spooking him at the last tribal council. With that Nick started to do damage control as Henry ranted and raved about how to save himself and play like he has no other option, while Nick sat in the shelter looking like he is about to shit himself. Based on the conversation Nick decided that Henry’s next target is going to be Shonee, so instead of trying to manage him, approaches the rest of the tribe to warn them how dangerous Henry is, so that everyone manages the situation on his behalf.

Speaking of Henry, he was reflecting on his first time in the game and remembering his mother, who passed away just before he went out. Not one to be down for count, Henry channelled his grief and as Nick feared, started working his way round the tribe to show how strong he is and play up how weak our icon Shonee is.

My love Jonathan arrived for the reward challenge – sadly clothed – where each tribe would face off one-or-one to knock an idol of the other’s handle with the first to four scoring victory. For a huge pack of cones, so you know Harry is excited. Mat and Henry were first to face off, with Henry chasing him down like prey and quickly snagging the point. Abbey made quick work of Moana, Queen Shonee was felled by Phoebe, Zach destroyed AK before Henry’s tricky juggling skills scored Mokuta the victory over David. Before the tribe headed out to smash their ice cream, Locky and Phoebe interrupted the proceedings and told Jonathan that they would like to use their previous reward and join then at the ice cream shop. Thankfully Jonathan is a messy icon, and asked them which two people they would like to send, outing their lie that it had to be used by them to the rest of their tribe.

At reward Harry was well and truly in his element, making ice creams and running around like a delirious child. Speaking of deliriousness, Henry was thrilled to show off his strength, so was working overtime to make as many friends as possible while they were all sugared up. Meanwhile Locky and Phoebe were filling everyone in on how much better the Mokuta camp is before Locky split up to gather intel from his rivals. While the tribe, smartly, stayed quiet. Making it super awkward, and honestly, painted a target on his back. Meanwhile my queen Shonee was loving the sugar but more importantly, loved finding a hidden immunity idol clue under a log. Redeeming herself for the day before. She bided her time until the tribe cleared out to wash their hands before she learnt that the idol was hidden under the well. She went for a wander into the jungle to find the well and got to work lifting it out of the way, grabbing the idol and then returning the well to its place.

Oh and she was wandering around in a jumpsuit and slides.

Terrified about being caught, she panicked about whether the well looked weird before her best friend Nick stumbled upon her. After confirming that the well looked normal, she looped her ally in on the intel and honestly, their happy dancing was too pure for this world and I ship the hell out of them.

The delicious Jonathan returned for the immunity challenge where the tribes were required to build a staircase out of heavy logs before collecting a hammer, pounding in some stakes, releasing a tunnel, climbing through a mud pit and some obstacles before shooting some baskets from a deck using a catapult. Mokuta got out to an early lead on the log stairs while Vakama struggled to grip their logs, given they were wet and slippery. I mean, I’m sad I have to use Jono’s smutty puns, but they also make me so proud of him. While I was welling up with pride, Vakama started to close the gap when it came to shooting baskets, thanks to Lee’s extremely steep learning curve. With both tribes even on nothing, Henry swapped in for Mokuta while Locky started to score basket after basket. Ultimately scoring a huge come from being immunity for Vakama while Henry narrowly avoided a nudie run, scoring one basket for the tribe.

Back at camp Nick quickly made it his priority to rally the troops against Henry, however was banging his head against a brick wall given all of the athletes are so passionate about keeping the strength. Thankfully Lee surprised me and was receptive to the idea of getting rid of Henry, and the plan quickly evolved to splitting the votes between him and Zach and getting rid of Zan Hen. Sadly for them however Abbey and Lydia weren’t feeling the plan, and Henry was busy winning over John by the fire. With Zaddy John, tragically agreeing to join him to vote out Shonee. They quickly pulled in Zach before taking the athletes aside to rope them into the plan, unaware that Harry – who invited himself along – is actually aligned with Shonee.

Harry took this information back to his fellow rascals, with Shonee quickly letting him know that she found an idol and as such, she will use it if she gets even a hint of danger. Wanting to keep the idol for a rainy day however, they split up to change the tide of the vote and continue to highlight Henry as the biggest threat. While they started to make inroads, Lydia warned Henry that people are nervous about his erratic gameplay and it would be wise to play an idol should he have one. With that, he decided to quickly throw together an idol and then plant and find it in front of everyone at tribal council. Which hopefully would be enough to force Shonee to play her real one. And given she is the CEO of the tribe, why wouldn’t she?

At tribal council Nick admitted that the tribe is still not really cohesive but hopefully after tonight, they actually will be. He used it as a rallying cry against Henry, highlighting the importance of predictability to the game. Abbey spoke about playing emotionally, Lee said that try as they might, they can’t separate their hearts from the game. Jonathan asked Lydia if they were strictly targeting the weakest, which she tried to dance around and said that she is solely focussed on doing what the majority want. Obviously Zach was all in on keeping the tribe strong before Shonee reminded everyone that they have actually won the same amount of the challenges and as such, they shouldn’t be so focussed on losing two immunity challenges in a row. John lied and said literally anyone could go tonight before Henry weighed in and said that that is a lie and in fact he or Shonee would be going tonight. Though he at least can add some strength to the tribe.

Shonee countered that she has something far more important and that is loyalty and doing what she says. Henry tried to counter it, challenging people to give him a chance. Nick tried to bring things back to making a logical decision and getting rid of the erratic players, while Henry’s eyes darted around looking for his fake idol amongst the trees. Shonee appeared to grow more and more nervous and as they were about to vote, Henry showed off his erratic behaviour, making a huge deal about finding his fake immunity idol. Shonee and Nick were unconvinced about his display and tried to calm the tribe, but they were all extremely nervous as they headed out to vote. Given she was too stressed to be blessed, Shonee played her idol and challenged Henry to play his, should it be real. Which it wasn’t so he didn’t, and as such, he found himself voted out of the game after Queen Shonee negated the majority of votes that were cast against her.

Whether it was in his best interests or not, Henry played his heart out and that is something I will always love about him. Plus, he is a total babe, despite not getting in on the nudity action. I took him in my arms as he arrived at Loser Lodge before sitting him down and berating him like Tyra did Tiffany for daring to try and target the one true Queen of Australian Survivor, my Shonee.

Emotionally spent, the only thing I could do was apologise for being not mad, disappointed in him and serving him a piping hot bowl of you-should-have-aligned-with-Shonee Henry Gorenicholson.

With as much fire as Henry had right out of the gate, this quick throw together meal appears anything but. Rich, tasty and packing a punch, you can’t be sad with this on your plate. Even if you don’t make the jury and are unlovable.

Enjoy!

Henry Gorenicholson
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
2 tsp peanut oil
2 shallots, thinly sliced
4 garlic cloves, minced
500g beef mince
salt and pepper, to taste
2 bunches bok choy, trimmed and halved
1 red capsicum, thinly sliced
1 bunch broccolini, trimmed and cut into 2cm lengths
2 tbsp kecap manis
1 tbsp sriracha sauce
1 lime, zested and juiced
200g thin egg noodles, cooked as per packet instructions

Method
Heat the oil in a wok over high heat and once scorching, add the shallot and garlic and cook for a minute. Add the mince and cook, breaking up with a wooden spoon, for a couple of minutes, or until nice and browned. Season with a good whack of salt and pepper, and reduce heat to medium.

Stir through the bok choy, capsicum and broccolini, and cook for a further minute or so. Add the kecap manis, sriracha, lime zest and juice, and stir until sticky and starting to thicken.

Remove from heat and toss through the noodles. Adjust the seasoning and serve immediately.

And devour. Always devour.

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Michelle Ragougan

Australian Survivor, Australian Survivor (2017), Australian Survivor: All Stars, Main, TV, TV Recap

Previously on Australian Survivor the All Stars were immediately thrown into some brutal challenges, the first of which featured a clue to a hidden immunity idol hidden at tribal council. And while Henry was lucky to grab it unnoticed, it was only valid for three tribal councils. When his tribe won the next two immunity challenges, he handed it off to Mat to cause some chaos at tribal council. Mat and the leader of his rival alliance, David decided to come together to help protect each other, and for David, to get revenge on one of his allies. Brooke then found an idol hidden at camp, completely throwing their plans into chaos. Until they gave an Oscar winning turn at tribal council and Mat correctly played him idol on Jacqui, before David begged Brooke to play hers on him and poor Daisy was gobsmacked to be booted from the game third.

In time to do exit press for her first season.

We checked in with Vakama the next day where the excitement of the previous tribal council was a thing of the past, and instead, Jacqui was showing off her killer physique. I mean, she looks like what Teresa Gudice wishes she looked like in a bodybuilding comp. Back at the shelter Mat was still processing his emotions from the epic tribal council, still shocked that the plan worked and that David didn’t backstab them. On the flipside the wounded majority alliance were feeling super nervous, unsure how Mat found out the votes would pile up on Jacqui and as such, speculated that there is a rat in their midst. Locky approached Mat to see if he could get any intel from him about the mole and while Mat dutifully told him that it was an educated guess, Locky did not buy it.

Speaking of the mole, David was on cloud nine – flushing both the idols, solidifying his secret alliance with Mat and getting his revenge on Daisy. Which I’m not really sure was needed, but since it was spectacular, I will let it slide. That being said, David was nervous and knew that he needed to keep his story straight and make sure nobody compares stories and realises he is a mole.

Meanwhile over at Mokuta Nick was busy knighting Lee for his spaghetti arms, while Henry was quietly sulking the corner since he is left right out on the bottom of the tribe. He regrouped and decided to approach Nick, bonding by the water well and hoping to form an alliance. Sadly for Henry, Nick learnt from his first season and was happy to sit quietly and wait for the chance to strike and as such, cannot align with Henry. Though obviously he pledged his loyalty to Henry and planned to ice him ASAP.

My love Jonathan graced us with his presence for the reward challenge where one at a time, someone from each tribe would face off on either side of a chest and try to push it and therefore their rival, off the edge of a dock. With the winning tribe getting some piping hot fish and chips. Oh, but before that AK threw Henry straight under the bus and announced that Mat played an idol at the previous tribal council THAT WAS GIVEN TO HIM BY HENRY AT THE LAST IMMUNITY CHALLENGE. I mean, I didn’t love him in Season 2, but AK is a deadset messy legend and I live. Henry was first to face off against Mat, allowing plenty of time for people to make jokes about them being idol buddies. Despite looking like an easy win for Mat, Henry stood his ground and clawed back the lead … until Mat overpowered him and sent him into the water.

Next round Jacqui chose to avenge Zach’s shitty views, however was sadly pushed straight into the water. But damn I love her. Lydia was up next, with AK challenging as Locky reminded him that Lydia is strong as shit. Direct quote. Despite being strong as shit and putting up a hell of a fight, AK dominated and scored another point for Vakama. Net up were Tarzan and Harry and hot damn, Tarzan is a beast and I live, easily winning the point. Though sadly not giving Harry a kiss like the last challenge. Just some hella sass on his way to winning the reward for his tribe.

The victorious Vakama were thrilled about the prospect of smashing their fish and chips, until they discovered they had actually won fishing gear and some potatoes, oil and salt to make chips once they catch the fish. With everyone trying to pretend they weren’t bitterly disappointed, they used the time to hunt for a clue or idol amongst their spoils to make the win moderately worth it. Mat then flipped the crate and found the idol hidden inside it in front of the entire tribe, leaving the majority furious and Mat, well, he was left smiling with a big, shit-eating grin.

As the majority went fishing to calm their nerves, Mat pulled Moana aside to let her know about his secret alliance with and growing trust in Dave. Finally finding her missing spark, Moana was thrilled about the turn of events and was happy to make a deal with the devil if it gets her further. And keeps Mat and David as the biggest threats. I mean, does Moana need a nemesis like Russell to keep her fire burning? Whatever it is, I love her again.

Later that night Dave was feeling nervous about his growing alliance with Mat, so slinked away into the night to make a fake hidden immunity idol. Well eventually, after hours and hours trying to cut a gem off their tackle box. Side note: aren’t all tackle (boxes) a gem?

Jonathan returned for the immunity challenge which required the tribes to hold barrels over tiles with a rope, with people allowed to step out of the challenge and hand their barrel over BUT as soon as a single tile breaks, the tribe loses. Meanwhile the iconic Shonee sat out of the challenge, directly on top of an immunity idol clue and please don’t let her follow Michaela’s lead and miss it. David and Lee had a Zoolander approved model off in the first five minutes before Michelle dropped out of the challenge and handed her barrel off to Zach. After half an hour Zach passed a barrel off to Henry, by way of Lydia, while Sharn struggled to hold on. Out of nowhere Phoebe passed her barrel off to Locky before Lee took over Sharn’s barrel. After more than an hour and 15 minutes, and some desperate back and forths, Zaddy John dropped one of his two barrels and handed victory to Vakama. And Shonee exited her seat without noticing the idol clue.

Back at camp Michelle was feeling nervous about being the first one to drop out of the challenge, particularly since her tribe was made up of three-four professional athletes, depending on where you stand with washed-up Gladiators. Lee pulled Michelle aside, with her reminding him that she is on the bottom and as such will vote for anyone other than her. She echoed that sentiment to Sharn, John and Zach. Though she could tell that nobody was actually interested in saving her. Meanwhile Abbey was using the loss as motivation to keep the tribe strong, dejectedly tell everyone that they need to start winning challenges – after just coming off a winning streak – and get rid of Michelle. Not to be outdone, Lydia too was rallying the troops to get rid of the weakest.

Thankfully Henry knows that brute strength is not how you win Survivor and as such, decided that Sharn is the smarter vote given how persuasive she can be. Unless in front of a Survivor jury against Shane, obvi. Henry pulled Zach aside, with the latter quickly agreeing to getting rid of Sharn instead. He then approached a receptive John and Michelle, before making his way to Nick. Who was not thrilled by the turn of events, and as such, wanted to flip the vote on Henry. For trying to flip the vote on Sharn. With that Nick approached his little rascals, with both Harry and Shonee keen to change things up and get rid of the threat. Nick approached Lydia, Abbey and Lee to try and get them to see sense and get rid of the very sketchy Henry. However, sadly, that made Abbey nervous about Nick being shifty. Though not enough to get rid of him, since he is still stronger than Michelle.

At tribal council John struggled to stick his torch in the slot – I have one ready for him, though – before talking about their loss at the challenge and how people dropping out impacted them. Zach was surprisingly diplomatic before Michelle went all in, reminding everyone that after Lee bombed the first challenge they agreed that losing a challenge wouldn’t be punished in a boot. Sharn agreed that challenges will always cater to different types, before Michelle commenced pleading to the athlete mentality and quoting football. Lydia agreed that they do need a good mix of skills, though didn’t seem to convince Queen Michelle who reminded everyone that loyalty is just as important. Particularly if a tribe swap is imminent. John and Henry agreed loyalty and numbers are critical to making it further, before Abbey agreed it is important but, yeah nah, she cares more about strength.

Which obviously annoyed Michelle.

Nick joined the fray to remind everyone of the importance of forming a cohesive, harmonious group. Shocking nobody, Zach was focused on strength before Harry countered that his vote is solely based on forming solid alliances, while Shonee was just glad to finally be asked a question at tribal council. Michelle again reminded everyone the importance of trust before Henry gave her the kiss of death, saying he is confident that the votes are going to go his way. With that, the tribe voted and tragically, Queen Michelle was felled.

I knew that we would lose one eventually, but I am so heartbroken to see one of our Fourth Place Robbed Goddesses exit the game. Though I guess at least Mish kept things semi-consistent by becoming the fourth boot. Which is the only positive thing I could come up with as I sobbed into her arms as she entered Loser Lodge.

Remember when Michelle completely destroyed Ben at tribal council in Season 2?

That is how I choose to remember Michelle. Not as the woman that was felled by the strength first mentality which comes from the brutal challenges of Australian Survivor. Lucky my Nigella inspired Michelle Ragougan is hella comforting, because I truly needed it.

Sweet, salty and covered in a silky melting of cheese, the ragu is the perfect hearty little meal to whip up when you’re down. Add in a little bit of chilli to Nigella’s classic, and you’ve got perfection. No offence Nige.

Enjoy!

Michelle Ragougan
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
olive oil
2 onions, thinly sliced
3 garlic cloves, minced
200g pancetta, diced
500g lamb mince
⅓ cup marsala
salt and pepper, to taste
400g can chopped tomatoes
100g green lentils
200ml beef stock. You could use chicken, but the bird and land combo makes me anxious. Like the thought of Flick and Shonee carrying the Fourth Place Robbed Goddess flag alone
125g red leicester cheese, grated

Method
Heat a lug of oil in a dutch oven and sweat the onion and garlic for a couple of minutes, or until soft and sweet. Add the pancetta and cook for a further five minutes before adding the lamb mince and cook, breaking up with a wooden spoon, until browned.

Crank the heat to high and add the marsala and a good whack of pepper – and salt, if ya like it salty – stir while it bubbles like crazy before adding the tomatoes, lentils and stock. Bring to the boil, reduce heat to low and simmer for half an hour, or until the sauce has thickened up.

Serve immediately, cover in a generous heap of cheese and devour. Knowing that eating you feelings is the only appropriate way to work through your pain.

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Breked McKenziti

Main, Oscar Gold, Oscar Gold XCII: Gold Basketball, Pasta

After spending the start of Oscar Gold hang with current nominee Quentin Tarantino, icon Nat Port, the inspiration for this year’s name – Gold Basketball – Kobe Bryant and the stunning screenwriter Di, I thought I should celebrate some of my favourite Anzac victors. And there is no victorious Kiwi that I love more than Bret McKenzie.

I first met Bret on the set – am I Dr freaking Zeuss? – of The Lord of the Rings, and we quickly bonded over our passion, and talent, for songwriting.

While our partnership fell through and he found success with Jemaine Clement instead, after a few years of mediation and a brief stint in prison for me, we put aside our differences and once again became friends.

In no small part to my dear Amy Adams, who wanted us to be friends again.

After blowing straight across the ditch into his arms in Wellington, I quickly begged him to use whatever sway he has to convince Jacinda to adopt our entire country and call us West Zealand. While he responded with a wry chuckle, I held his head like Gordon Ramsey calling someone an idiot sandwich, looked him dead in the eye and begged him to save us.

He calmly walked me over to his couch, sat me down and talked me through the shame I was experiencing not having Jacinda as Prime Minister before gently reminding me that we have a job to do. And that job is to run the damn odds.

So run the damn odds we did!

For Sound Mixing and Editing we both agree that 1917 is most likely to take it, since they both seem to favour war movies. Though I wouldn’t be surprised to see Ford v Ferrari snatch one or both away from the teams.

For Original Score Hildur Guðnadóttir should pretty much clear a space for her little man because she is a lock for Joker. And lastly, in Bret’s former category, Elts and Bernie have it in the bag for Rocketman and I am so happy that I can actually be happy for him.

With that out of the way we caught each other up on our lives and spitballed ideas for the next Muppets reboot before sitting down to a big, warm Breked McKenziti.

Cheesy and gloopy, yet all together comforting and spicy. A baked ziti is one of the most glorious things. Add in some buffalo chicken, and you’ve got perfection.

Enjoy!

Breked McKenziti
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
500g ziti, cooked to packet instructions
3 tbsp butter
500g chicken mince
5 cloves garlic, minced
3 tbsp flour
3 cups milk
250g cream cheese, softened
⅓ cup Frank’s Red Hot Sauce
2 tbsp Michelle Branch Dressing
¼ cups chives, roughly chopped
1 cup vintage cheddar, grated

Method
Preheat oven to 160° and cook the pasta as per packet instructions.

Meanwhile place a dutch oven over medium heat and melt the butter until foamy. Add the chicken mince and garlic, and cook for a couple of minutes, breaking up the back of the wooden spoon as you go. Add the flour and cook for a further minute, still stirring, until it is a sticky, gloopy mess.

Remove from the heat and stir in the milk until the sauce comes together. Return to the heat and cook for a further couple of minutes, or until slightly thickened. Add the cream cheese, hot sauce and ranch dressing and stir until coming together. Bring to the boil, reduce heat to low and simmer for ten minutes, or until thick.

Add the chives, cooked ziti and cheddar. Stir and transfer to a large baking dish. Sprinkle with a little extra cheese and transfer to the oven to bake for 20 minutes, or until golden and goopy.

Serve immediately and devour. Victoriously.

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South West ShickAnn Huanger

Burgers, Main, Street Food, Survivor, Survivor: All Stars, Survivor: Thailand

This time next week we will have ventured to an island featuring absurdly large busts of Survivor icons Sandra and Rob, Jeffrey will no doubt have spoken about balls and poles and our first boot will have eaten their feelings with me in Ponderosa.

But more importantly, that means I have one more icon to celebrate as we anticipate the return. Which is where my dear, dear, Shii Ann comes in to play.

While All Stars cops a lot of flack because of the ugly, bitterness there was one shining light and that was the iconic underdog herself Shi Ann. I mean, name a more iconic moment than her winning immunity at the exact moment she so desperately needed it and then proceed to rub it in the faces of everyone that she was up against.

It was that spitfire moment that truly solidified her place in my heart and I was honoured that she accepted the invite to be the showstopper of this season’s countdown. Particularly since she is busy with her real estate career in NYC.

Obviously we gossiped about the cast and the upcoming season – she agrees that Janet and Elaine are icons that need to be protected at all cost – but mostly we caught up on how she has been (great), whether she would come back for another season (yes) and most importantly, whether my ex Frederick still pines after me (of course).

We then sat down to a plate of piping hot South West ShickAnn Huangers and toasted to the season ahead.

A little kick of chilli, a punch of lime and the creamy guacamole work together to make this burger sing. I mean, only stupid, stupid people wouldn’t agree that it is perfection.

Enjoy!

South West ShickAnn Huanger
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
500g chicken mince
½ cup black beans, rinsed and drained
½ cup corn, rinsed and drained
3 shallots, sliced
2 garlic cloves, minced
2 tsp chilli flakes
1 tsp cumin
1 lime, zested and juiced
4 Kirsten Bunst
olive oil
1 tomato, sliced
a handful butter lettuce leaves, rinsed and drained
1 batch Lady Guagamole
hot sauce, to serve

Method
Start by combining the mince, black beans, corn, shallots, garlic, chilli, cumin and lime in a bowl, and scrunching with your hands until well combined. Split into four patties.

Place a skillet over medium heat and add the split buns to toast for a couple of minutes.

Add a good lug of oil to the pan and cook the patties for a few minutes before flipping and cooking for a remaining five minutes, or until cooked through.

To assemble, place a hearty dollop of guacamole on the base of the roll. Add a few slices of tomato, lettuce, the patty, hot sauce and another dollop of guac. Just because.

Then devour, greedily, rubbing it in the faces of those that didn’t get a burg.

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Robotie Bentele

Main, Pie, Survivor South Africa, Survivor South Africa: Island of Secrets, TV, TV Recap

Previously on Survivor South Africa three tribes of seven South Africans were abandoned on the Samoan islands to backstab and blindside each other. Seventeen have left – including Lee-Anne, Paul, Ting Ting – yes, we’re doing it – Rose-Lee, Felix, Tania, Rocco, Nathan, Meryl, Geoffrey, Seipei, Dante, Cobus, Mmaba, Jacques, Mike and Steffi – leaving Durao, Nicole, Rob and Laetitia to battle it out for victory. Durao was on the periphery for most of the game, before loyally destroying every chance to blindside Rob throughout the merge. Nicole cried, Rob dominated and Laetitia was a total fucking icon.

When it came down to the final four, Rob won yet another immunity and ruined any chance of a blindside. And while Laetitia tried her hardest to talk her way into the final three – and she came really close – her killer argument proved just how big of a threat she would be if she found herself in front of the jury. As such, she found herself joining it instead.

At tribal council Durao was read for being Rob’s biggest fan and completely shut out of the vote, leaving Rob and Nicole to battle it out for the title. And while they both clearly articulated just how dominant of a game they each played, Nicole’s hyper personal – and a little preachy – game rubbed the jury the wrong way but not even a genuine, solid apology was able to win enough of them over, handing Rob the win.

A very well deserved win.

As he arrived at Ponderosa, I pulled him in for a massive hug and congratulated him on a game well played. Despite the fact the merge dragged on a little bit, the reason it did, was because of how well Rob played the game. And that is always worthy of a piping hot celebratory Robotie Bentele.

A little pot pie is always a win. Particularly when it comes with a golden little quiche-esque topping. Spicy, rich and oh-so-warming, it is the perfect meal for a cold winter night. Or to mark a dominant victory.

Enjoy!

Robotie Bentele
Serves: 6.

Ingredients
½ cup panko breadcrumbs
1 cup milk
2 tbsp olive oil
1 onion, diced
1 carrot, peeled and cut into half moons
6 garlic cloves, minced
5cm piece ginger, minced
1kg beef mince
2 tbsp hot curry powder
5 fresh curry leaves, finely chopped
½ cup raisins
2 tbsp slivered almonds, toasted
2 tbsp fruit chutney
1 cup beef stock
1 lemon, zested and juiced
salt and pepper, to taste
2 eggs
½ tsp ground turmeric

Method
Preheat the oven to 180C, and soak the breadcrumbs in half of the milk.

Heat the oil in a dutch oven over medium heat, and cook the onion and carrot for five minutes until golden and soft. Add the garlic and ginger and cook for a further minute, or until fragrant. Add the mince and cook, breaking up with a wooden spoon, until browned. Stir in the curry powder and leaves, raisins and almonds, and cook for a couple of minutes before stirring in the chutney, stock, zest and juice and soaked breadcrumbs. Season with a good whack of salt and pepper, bring to the boil and reduce heat to low and simmer for five minutes.

Pop the mince into an ovenproof dish and pop in the oven to bake for 30 minutes. While the meat is getting gorgeously thick, beat the egg and turmeric with the remaining milk. Remove the dish from the oven and pour the eggy mixture over the top, before returning to the oven to cook for 20 minutes or until set.

Then devour, greedily, like the winner you are.

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Chicken Rossage Clarke-Rolls

Australian Survivor, Australian Survivor: Champions vs. Contenders (2019), Main, Snack, Street Food, TV Recap

Previously on Australian Survivor after burning himself and then his idol at two back to back tribals, Harry was feeling the heat and again focused on the Ben Driebergen strategy of finding idols until the end. Thankfully we were put out of our misery and distracted from the horrible memories of Chrissy’s robbery with Jonathan lording of the reward challenge for parmas which made John smile so brightly my basement flooded. Once again Andy struggled to get anything right, this time bombing throwing the immunity challenge as Baden single handedly beasted his way to winning the challenge, sending the Contenders back to tribal. Not wanting to rest on his second idol, Harry talked to Simon and Ross to see if they would be interested in flipping on JaQueen, Pia and Abbey and joining him and Matt to take control of the game. Sadly they weren’t interest however and after Harry played his idol, which made Janine nervous enough to play hers, poor Matt was voted out of the game.

The next day we checked in with the Contenders where Ross and the girls were thrilled to still be standing. Well sitting really, in the water as they washed themselves and relished island life. Ross then found a plank of wood which he used to attempt surfing on the reef and again, I love the man and get can’t enough of him on my screen.

We checked in with Camp Champ where they too were enjoying island life, fishing and swimming together on the reef and feeling grateful for everything they were experiencing. Andy too was loving it SA MUCH and damn, that sours things for me. They soon returned to camp where Andy continued to ruin my vibe, talking about the pain of not returning to tribal though was thankful that nobody realised. Right on cue we heard from Luke who knew that Andy’s attempt to throw the challenge were as subtle as a brick and as such, he wanted to take him down ASAP. Luke then dived into his spy shack as Andy tried to catch up with Baden, knowing that getting Baden on board is key to his safety given he single handedly thwarted Andy’s lame attempts at throwing the challenge. Luke then pulled Baden away from Andy and suggested that they will be a powerful duo as nobody would expect it.

Back at the Contenders tribe Harry was feeling all alone, surrounded by Champions while JaQueen continued to lament the pain of Harry still surviving. Ross checked in with Harry to find out whether his tears were real and was disappointed to find out his good nature was taken advantage of. Ross then joked about tethering himself to Harry to avoid him finding one, so the two goofed around as the rest of the tribe got together to hunt for the newly hidden idol. Which filled Harry with joy to have spooked them. With everyone otherwise ocupado, Harry approached JaQueen with a Hail Mary pitch to sell himself as the more helpful ally than some of her current options. She then businessed the hell out of him before agreeing that it is smarter for her to keep him around and hot damn, JaQueen is a bloody icon.

Jonathan arrived for this week’s immunity challenge where the tribes would race across a series of poles, tarzan swing across a gorge before tossing a monkey fist in a fork before using the ropes to traverse a balance beam. They then need to release puzzle pieces, build a stair ladder and light a fire at the top of the tower. After benching Andy immediately, Shaun got the Champions out to an early lead, while the Contenders slowly tried to close the gap thanks to Daisy struggling on the poles until she leaped into Shauns arms. Swoon. While the Champs started to swing across, Ross and Pia struggled on the poles allowing the Champions to extend their lead. Then tragedy struck as Ross clipped his leg while doing the Tarzan swing, fell into the ditch and started screaming in pain.

That is when I started sobbing uncontrollably. In the words of Countess Luann, don’t let it be about Ross. Anyone but Ross.

The challenge was stopped immediately as the medics were bought in as everyone stood around with a look of sheer panic on their faces. He was then carried off the challenge site by Jonathan to before the doctors decided that his injury was serious enough to warrant further medical assessment … before the challenge was restarted from where they were. Decidedly more sombre the tribes battled it out, as the Contenders desperately tried to close the gap. One by one the Champs landed their planks as the Contenders slowly made their way back into the challenge. Until they didn’t and the Champs got into their rhythm, climbing the tower, lighting their fire and securing immunity for their tribe.

The Contenders returned to camp worried about Ross’ injury and wondering what to do at tribal council, should it go ahead. The four former Champs speculated whether Harry could have found another idol, before JaQueen started weighing her options and wondering whether keeping Harry over Simon is the smarter move. JaQueen approached Pia who was keen to get rid of Simon instead of Harry with them then going to Abbey who was far less convinced about the idea. While she was getting emotional, Pia grew more and more sure that taking out Simon was the better idea as Harry is desperate and will stick with them to take control. JaQueen and Pia approached Harry who was super keen, with JaQueen only requesting his undying loyalty in return for them going out on a limb to keep him around.

As Simon wandered alone in his speedo, the new alliance of four sat around the shelter speculating about Ross’ safety. Before Ross was escorted back into camp on crutches by Jonathan, who announced that he had broken his ankle and as such such could not return to the game. The Contenders all started to breakdown, heartbroken to lose the life of the party before Ross encouraged Pia and Luke to go out and win this thing. The Champions were then wheeled over to camp so that they could farewell Ross and celebrate the bloody icon, as he hobbled away wearing Harry’s socks.

Before hopping – quite literally – into the back of the 4WD to see if he could finally have his culinary comfort. You see Ross and I have known each other for years, as I grew up surfing up and down the NSW coast from D’Bah to Bateau Bay, with Ross spotted my talent and taking me under his wing and coaching me. While I found myself too distracted by attractive men in speedos to ever get anywhere with my surfing, Ross continued to mentor me, I believe, because he loved that I paid in Chicken Rossage Clarke-Rolls. I mean, I could have paid him, but I am also very cheap.

These babies are so delicious and warming, that I’ve oft said that they have healing qualities and while that may seem opportunistic or convenient based on the tragedy that befell our King, the proof is in the pudding. Or sausage roll. Sweet, salty and melting in your mouth, these are the only things that will dull the pain of losing the icon of the game. Our new, literally fallen god, Ross.

Enjoy!

Chicken Rossage Clarke-Rolls
Serves: 12.

Ingredients
olive oil
1 onion, diced
5 garlic cloves, minced
250g streaky bacon, diced
1 bunch shallots, sliced
1kg chicken mince
¼ cup panko breadcrumbs
1 tbsp chilli flakes
1 tsp maple syrup
1 tsp sage leaves, chopped
salt and pepper, to taste
6 sheets puff pastry, thawed and sliced into quarters
1 egg, whisked
¼ cup sesame seeds, for sprinkling

Method
Heat a good lug of oil in a skillet and sweat the onion and garlic for a couple of minutes, or until sweet, fragrant and translucent. Add the bacon and cook for a further ten minutes, or until its just starting to brown. Add the shallots, stir and remove to a bowl to cool completely.

Preheat oven to 180°C.

Add the chicken mince to the bowl with the breadcrumbs, chilli, maple, sage and a good whack of salt and pepper. Scrunch with your hands until well combined.

Divide the mixture into 24 and form into a sausage shape. Place a sausage along one edge of the pastry squares and roll to enclose, brushing the last centimetre or so with egg wash to close. Transfer to a lined baking sheet, seam side down, and repeat the process until done.

Brush all the rolls with the rest of the egg wash, sprinkle with sesame seeds and transfer to the oven to bake for half an hour or so, or until golden and puffed. Devour immediately, to fix your broken, Ross-less heart.

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Aubry Braccob Pie

Main, Party Food, Pie, Street Food, Survivor, Survivor: Edge of Extinction, Survivor: Game Changers – Mamanuca Islands, Survivor: Kaôh Rōng, TV Recap

Previously on Survivor a tribe swap gave Big Wendy four new people to terrorise on NuManu, finally releasing the chickens and making herself even more of a target. Meanwhile over at NuKama – which was just OG Kama, minus Aubry, Eric, Gavin and Victoria – Ron continued to target Joe, employing mute Julia to look through his bag for an idol whilst pretending to be besties. The newly formed Lesu tribe – which was OG Manu minus Wendy – meanwhile continued their losing streak, with David and Rick facing off against Kelley and Lauren for Wardog’s affection. With him obviously siding with the girls, as poor Rick found himself heading to Island of Extinction.

Surprisingly absolutely no one, Reem was not thrilled to be reunited with Rick who was thrilled to have a second chance, despite not having any pals on the decrepit island. *Pray for Chris’ beautiful back after his seat broke*.

Forgoing any camp footage, Probst arrived for this week’s reward challenge where the tribes would race through obstacles to collect bolos, which they then need to land on a target, with the first tribes to finish getting PB&Js and milk, or just PB&Js. Surprisingly the tribes were neck in neck at the start, until David David-ed and struggled to untie the bolos, giving Kama and Manu a hearty lead. Gavin scored Manu’s first point before Lesu arrived at the target, it was neck and neck between Manu and Kama with Julie snatching first place for Kama, while Victoria eventually grabbed second place for Manu, while Lesu barely registered a point.

Back at Kama the ever victorious tribe celebrated their victory, and we won, by finally meeting Julia. No surprise, she too desperately wants to get rid of Joe since he is the biggest threat. Joe being Joe, he did the only thing he could by continuing to dominate challenges and desperately try and provide for the tribe. While he went fishing, Ron, Julia and Julie met to discuss potentially throwing the upcoming immunity challenge to get rid of Joe and reduce the number of returning players, so they don’t run the game.

Over at Manu, they too were thrilled to be smashing sandy jays, given they can’t eat the chickens on account of Wendy freeing them. While the chickens continued taunt them from the shrubs, Eric too was concerned by the dwindling numbers and the fact that the returnees haven’t taken a hit yet. Aubry however is growing tired of not attending tribal council, as she came in to play the game aggressively and she needs to go just to see where the numbers truly lay. Sadly for her, Victoria, Eric and Gavin where catching-up and decided that she is still their number one target – despite Wendy being Wendy – and Victoria would go to her and proposition a women’s alliance, in the hopes of diffusing any advantages she may possess. Oh and Victoria is an icon, and gives zero fucks about booting her despite being a friend. Victoria and Aubry then caught up to enact Victoria’s plan and poor Aubry fell for it completely, calling her Vic in confessionals and I just want to scream that she is in danger.

Meanwhile Lesu were lamenting yet another loss, with Wardog not into trying fishing with David. However being shunned gave David a chance to split from the group and hunt for an idol, while the other three spoke about how desperately then need to watch David and make sure he doesn’t find an idol like Chrissy, Devon, Ryan and Mike in HvHvH. David eventually reappeared, leaving Wardog and Kelley the chance to go for a walk to discuss taking out Lauren. Which really doesn’t make sense for either them, but I appreciate Wardog throwing it out there.

Back at extinction Chris discovered a box – not mine, tragically – featuring four maps with vague instructions, which Rick quickly figured out required them to fold it for their directions. Reem suggested they all have lunch before heading off to find the loot, however Keith wandered off to claim them for himself. Reem lead the charge against Keith, as the others chased him to get the loot first. Which, sadly for Keith, they did as Chris tackled him to discover three bamboo sticks with a note that reads practice while Rick found an extra vote hidden at a second tree, which must be gifted to someone on the losing tribe at the upcoming tribal.

Speaking of which, Jeff returned for this week’s immunity challenge where the tribes would have to swim to a pontoon, run up a ramp, dive and retrieve puzzle pieces before dragging them to another pontoon which they drag to a third pontoon on which they build a buoy puzzle. This time it was Kelley’s chance to get Lesu out to a slow start, while Manu dominated with Kama close behind while Lesu still had zero puzzle pieces. While Kelley and Lauren sat waiting for a miracle from Wardog and David, Manu and Kama struggled with their puzzles. Eventually Wardog released the first puzzle piece, with Lauren finally releasing the second one and allowing them to catch-up just as Kama snagged immunity. With that Aurora tried to coach Aubry and Manu to victory, before David somehow managed to snatch victory for Lesu. Much to their own shock.

Back at Manu Aubry finally got her wish of kick starting the game, with her joining Gavin, Eric and Victoria to lock in the vote for Wendy. Who sat on the shore by the beach. Aubry and Victoria got together to discuss Victoria’s fake plan to pull in Wendy to get rid of Eric or Gavin. While Aubry was nervous about making a move too soon, they approached Wendy about joining them which Wendy, bless, turned down leaving them super confused and TBH, Aubry was pissed. Aubry went wandering alone to clear her head before tribal when she stumbled upon the extra vote in her bag, making her more confused about what to do with her power and which advantage to use, rather than playing from the bottom.

At tribal council the OG Kama’s finally collected their torches and joined the game before Gavin kicked things off by sharing that the tribe was pretty relaxed after immunity, and as such he isn’t sure what is going to happen. Aubry spoke about the need to be a conversation ahead of everyone else to survive, while Wendy admitted that her gameplay is chaotic and confusing and I live for her. Aubry shared the need to find your allies and that you can’t lock in alliances, until they’re forged by an actual vote. Gavin spoke about Aubry’s value in sharing advice based on her previous games, while Wendy gushed about how great Aubry is and admitted to struggling with separating feelings from her game. Leading into the vote Gavin said his choice is the one that will benefit him the most and Eric admitted to feeling nervous about being played, while Aubry believed it would be a simple vote.

Which was tragically wrong as the votes rolled in and Queen Aubry became the first returnee booted from the game. Even before discovering the existence of the Island of Extinction, Aub’s took her boot in her stride, though was confused as to why I was cooking on a camp stove outside tribal council. She then saw the offer to remain in the game, took 0.0001 of a second to decide, grabbed a torch and I literally had to chase her down the beach to give her my Aubry Braccob Pie before going to get Reemed.

I saw this concept whilst surfing the interwebs one afternoon, and was immediately smitten. I mean, I am passionate about cobs and I am passionate about pies … and little ol’ Taste.com.au had been smart enough to combine them. And changed my life for the better. With a few little tweaks along the way, the meat was saucy, the pastry flakey and Aubry was thrilled to become the first Survivor three-peat on this ‘ere ol’ patch of cyberspace.

But can she make it to four?! Dun, dun, dun … enjoy!

Aubry Braccob Pie
Serves: 1 sad booted returnee, or 4 happy shiny people.

Ingredients
olive oil
2 onions, diced
3 garlic cloves, minced
1kg beef mince
3 tbsp flour
salt and pepper, to taste
2 cups beef stock
½ cup ketchup
2 tbsp Worcestershire sauce
handful flat-leaf parsley, roughly chopped
1 cob loaf
1 sheet puff pastry, thawed
1 egg, lightly whisked

Method
Heat a good lug of olive oil in a large frying pan and sweat the onion over medium heat for five minutes, or until translucent. Add the garlic and cook for a further minute before adding the mince and cook, breaking up with a wooden spoon as you go, until browned. Add the flour and a good whack of salt and pepper and cook for a further minute before adding the stock and Worcestershire. Bring to the boil, reduce heat to low and simmer for fifteen minutes. Stir through the parsley and remove from the heat.

Preheat oven to 160C.

To assemble, carve the top off the cob and scoop out most of the bread, leaving enough around the edges to retain its structural integrity. Drizzle with oil and place in the oven to crisp for 10 minutes. Remove, fill with the meaty mixture and top with pastry, crinkling the edge with as much artistic flair as you can muster. Brush with egg and transfer to the oven to bake for 20 minutes, or until golden and puffed.

Remove and devour immediately, lamenting the tragedy of your Survivor experience thus far.

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Aubry Braccob Pie