Rhys Nicholsonoran Hot Dog

Main, RuPaul’s Drag Race Down Under, RuPaul’s Drag Race Down Under 1, Street Food

Well, well, well, just went you thought I was down and out – was I ever in, though? – Ru pulls me back into the world of fame, food, fortune and glamour. And into the orbit of one of my first loves, Rhys.

While I am mixing things up in the pursuit of trying to avoid angering the internet and posting our ru-caps on a one week delay, I had to mark the exciting occasion of Ru and Michelle judging our collective maps of Tassie with a little date with Rhys.

Oh Rhys. Dear, sweet Rhys.

We met in Sydney in 2009, he had just relocated and ready to take on the comedy world while I was being chased out of town by a modern version of a mob with pitchforks. You see, I had just tried to make my drag debut in THE frill-necked lizard costume from Priscilla and was clocked at The Beresford. Because if nothing else, us gays can sleuth.

In any event, I saw Rhys when running down Oxford Street and was immediately taken. Like that, I slid into an alley, did a cheeky quick change and went and swept him off my feet.

It was a beautiful, torrid spring fling which ended horribly three months later as I was finally arrested for my frilled-neck crimes as he looked on in absolute horror. While the relationship ended, we maintained a lovely friendship as he wrote to me in priz, updating me on his blossoming relationship with Kyran.

As is oft the case, there was a brief period of turmoil when I arrived on the Down Under set and realised that Ru and Michelle opted for a younger, prettier model to join them on the judges panel but I was glad to be able to repair the friendship after returning to Oz and share in the premiere with him.

But you know, we’ve got a new spoiler policy in place, you won’t be hearing anything about that until next week. In the meantime, may I suggest getting a big, fat Rhys Nicholsonoran Hot Dog in your mouth.

There was no more fitting way to return to this little venture than by splitting a soft, pillowy bun with a big fat sausage, slathering it in a creamy, zesty sauce and adding a little bit of spice. And avocado.

Nothing says sexy quite like an avocado, no?

Enjoy!

Rhys Nicholsonoran Hot Dog
Serves: 4.
Inspired by Jeff Mauro’s recipe.

Ingredients
8 sausages, basic Aussie preferred
16 rashers streaky bacon
8 hot dog rolls, subs or Hulk Hoagies would work in a pinch too because let’s be honest, I couldn’t find bolillos
¼ cup Shayonnaise Swain, or any old mayo you have laying around. But you know, in date
small handful of coriander, finely chopped, plus extra to garnish
1 tbsp sriracha, plus extra to top
1 lime, zested and juiced
salt and pepper, to taste
2 tomatoes, cored and diced
½ red onion, finely diced
400g can refried beans, warmed
2 avocados, diced
pickled jalapenos, to serve

Method
Preheat the oven to 180C.

Tightly wrap each sausage with two rashers of bacon and place, seam side/s down, on a lined baking sheet. Transfer to the oven and bake for 20 minutes, or until golden, crisp and cooked through.

While you’re getting your sausage fest nice and hot, combine the mayo, coriander, hot sauce and zest and juice of one of the limes with a good whack of salt and pepper.

In another bowl, combine the tomato, onion and zest and juice of the remaining lime with a pinch of salt, stir well and allow the citrus to take some of the sharpness form the onion.

To assemble, split the buns, schmear with some refried beans, top with the meaty sausage, drizzle with spicy, herbaceous mayo, some quick-pickled tomato and onion, avo and coriander and some hot sauce. Assuming you’re not one of the people that genetically tastes soap in place of coriander.

After making that decision, then devour, greedily and happily, grateful that I am back, back, back, back, back again, with another season of Drag Race.

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Ginny Lemon Tart

Baking, Dessert, RuPaul's Drag Race UK, RuPaul’s Drag Race UK 2, Snack, Sweets, TV, TV Recap

Previously on RuPaul’s Drag Race UK, the queens were split into duos and while everyone was thrilled to work with their bestie, Ru gagged them with the fact they would actually be forced to battle against them. In the ultimate who wore it best. While some people lucked out to be partnered with weaker fashion queens, Tayce and Ellie were unluckily in the bottom five due to how strong A’Whora and Lawrence were, as the latter took out her first challenge of the season. Ginny meanwhile took up the judges’ challenge to go sexy, while Tia bombed and Asttina was read for being basic. As the latter two lip synced for their lives, Tia pulled out all the stops and saved herself, booting Asttina from the competition.

The queens returned to the Werk Room with the girls still shell shocked by Asttina’s departure from the competition. Particularly A’Whora, who was mainly concerned that she was eliminated by none other than her nemesis Baroness Basic. Meanwhile Tia was hoping to use the moment to remind herself that she is a sickening performer, given she survived against such formidable competition. Ginny grew tired of Lawrence Chaney constantly talking and interjecting in their support of Asttina, telling her to shut up and leading to some awkward fighting. Add to that A’Whora joking about being ready to wash Tia’s message off the mirror and ugh, the girls are ready to fight. Not necessarily in the competitive way.

Tensions appeared to have died down the next day as Ginny led the queens in congratulating Lawrence on her first victory. Tayce spoke about being shocked that Tia survived over her bestie Asttina, leading to more drama, as Veronica stepped in to defend her friend, reminding everyone that Tia did step it up. In the lip sync, which is why she is still here. A’Whora then interjected, encouraging Tia and saying that she has noticed growth since the start of the competition but given Tia doesn’t really care for her opinion, it was clear it meant nothing.

Is this some COVID related stress coming through? Because it. Is. Tense. SO tense.

They were thankfully interrupted by Ru and the Brit Crew, who wheeled in a table full of cakes. And baked goods too, which the queens needed to promote as their own goodies. Tia kicked things off listing acronyms and lusting after Ru, crawling across the floor selling sex. Ellie was awkward in the most charming way possible, Bimini was hilariously aggressive about Brexit, Ginny was a smutty delight, Tayce fingered herself with a Vienna Finger, Sister did Carrie, Veronica was demented, on brand and glorious, A’Whora focused on Ginny Lemon and Lawrence, well, she was charming, funny and focused on scat. Rightly so though, Bimini took out victory proving sometimes, smut isn’t always best.

Ru then announced that for this week’s Maxi Challenge, the queens would be hosting their own morning shows appealing to the broadest range of demographics possible. As the victor of the mini challenge, Bimini would be able to select her role while the rest of the queens would fight over the scraps. Oh and to make it all the more difficult, the performance would be live. The queens ventured to the couch to go through the roles, with Bimini electing for the Gen Z party animal co-host opposite Tayce, Ginny was cast as the hippy weather girl, Lawrence and Ellie went with pre-school hosts, A’Whora and Tia decided to work together for once as the Essex girl financial experts, leaving Veronica and Sister to land as goth party planners.

Talk turned to their backgrounds in improv, with Sister concerned about Veronica’s decided lack of experience. Meanwhile A’Whora and Tia vowed to be besties while picking out wigs as Bimini and Tayce immediately tried to find complementary outfits. Ru arrived to chat to the girls, with Ginny feeling very confident about the weather role and urgh, I hope she wins and proves us right. Ru was worried about Sister and Veronica’s ability to sell goth, with the latter explaining she deliberately took the dregs of the roles to show her versatility and damn, please don’t fall flat, Veronica. Ellie made Ru awkward by asking why she doesn’t say her name in a Scottish accent like she does Lawrence and girl, you in danger Pearl. Ru was charmed by Tia and A’Whora’s concept before casually stirring the pot, with the girls admitting to not being close or having the desire to ever interact.

The girls ventured to set to be coached by TV legend Lorraine Kelly. Wait, no, there was a pep talk and then girls were sent live in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 …

Bimini and Tayce got things off to a charming, vapid and energetic start as the hosts, with Lorraine particularly proud of Bimini’s attention to detail and her ability to serve lots of funny moments. After the break Veronica and Sister were less prepared making their anti-birthday cake, with Veronica tragically showing her first sign of weakness as Sister tried to bring the funny and cover the fact they were both scared. In that commercial break Lorraine had nothing to say, while poor Veronica immediately commenced beating herself up.

We returned to the hosts who continued to charm before Ellie and Lawrence arrived and ate it up as the Dragony Aunts. Caller Michelle asked how to avoid resting bitch face, with Ellie literally painting a smile on Lawrence’s charming bloody face. No doubt on their way to the win. Tia and A’Whora were up next, hilarious as the most demented branches of Cheryl Hole’s family tree and proving that A’Whora really is there for that crown and ready to prove she is funny as well as gorgeous. Rounding out the show was Ginny who was demented and hilarious as she was pummeled by the weather, even if it was a wee bit confusing for Lorraine and the girls.

Elimination Day rolled around with Sister nervous about being brought down by Veronica’s performance, while the rest of the queens were really happy with what they delivered. A’Whora and Tia were shocked to have slayed together as a duo, while Veronica jumped on board and agreed that she felt like her performance was so bad that it brought down Sister’s performance. This annoyed Lawrence, who was sick of Sister blaming other people every time she fell flat. Before any drama could explode, Ginny reminded them they have a runway to prepare for and as such, they needed to align their chakras and get to bloody work.

She and Sister then kikied while getting ready, with Sister Sister sharing that she always feels like she is holding back and trying to be polite, rather than letting go. Add to that her inner saboteur and she admitted that she is really struggling under the pressure of the competition. Ginny gave her a delightful peptalk and told her to start believing in herself before they hugged and pledged their love for each other. Meanwhile A’Whora and Tia continued to bond over their insecurities, with the former sharing that what goes through her head is always worse than anything she could hear from the judges. A’Whora then admitted to trashing Tia in the last untucked, apologising for what she said before sharing that she has always pushed others away and put people down due to her insecurities and ugh, their bonding session is so sweet and nice with Tia promising that A’Whora has a circle of sisters now. They then both apologised for everything they’ve done and said, hugging and making up.

Again, I love all of the UK queens so damn much.

On the Monster Mash-up runway, Veronica was somehow glamourous as a piggy Medusa, Sister Sister was glorious as a mummy werewolf, Bimini slayed as a demonic Playboy bunny, Tayce was a gorgeous corpse bride vampire while Ginny was a neon, acid delight. Lawrence was a mash-up of horror movie murderers in the best way possible, while Ellie was glorious as a Goblin-Werewolf, Tia was gorgeous as a voodoo Medusa and A’Whora continued to slay the week as a zombie-Elvira doing Cher on vegas. Damn, let’s just say it was a good episode for A’Whora.

Ultimately Veronica, Sister Sister, Bimini, Ginny, Lawrence and A’Whora were deemed the tops and bottoms, while Tayce, Ellie and Tia were sent to kiki backstage. My sweet Veronica was praised for her glorious runway, however was read for absolute filth for her Camden Goth Party Planner as she didn’t go far enough. Veronica agreed that she was in her head, apologising for bringing down Sister. Speaking of Sister, she was read for not standing out and trying to take her moment, though the judges were ok with her outfit though admitted it could have gone further. My dear Bimini received universal praise for her performance and commitment to the character, while Michelle wished that the details were in her runway to take her over the edge.

Ginny was praised for being good at improv, though the judges felt it didn’t go far enough and gave no light and shade. Ru challenged her to take it to the next level, which is something that Michelle thanked her for doing on the runway, despite still feeling she could take it further. The judges once again loved literally everything Lawrence gave them, particularly the fact she is versatile and they never know what to expect from her on the runway. Lastly A’Whora was rightly given universal praise for her killer performance on the morning show and once again the judges loved her outfit, though Michelle wished that she could let herself be uglier.

Backstage the safe queens were thrilled to be such, with Ellie asking who they all felt did the worst with she and Tayce naming Veronica and suggesting she should be the one to go out. As did Tia, after much deliberation about admitting that about her bestie. The tops and bottoms joined them with A’Whora disappointed that her outfit fell flat before Ginny broke down about being called one-note, feeling the judges just don’t get her as she started to just shut down. Sister Sister spoke about how disappointed she was to not actually step up in the challenge when she really needed to, with Veronica encouraging her and saying that the critique was mainly about letting Veronica overpower the scene.

Talk turned to who the safe girls thought should go, with Ellie admitting they unanimously thought it should be Veronica. This obviously upset Veronica, with Tia quickly clarifying that she thought she would be in the bottom but knew she would slay a lip sync. This led to Veronica warning them that they underestimated her once and they really shouldn’t do it again. A’Whora tried to give her a pep talk, pointing out Tia was underestimated and used that to kill the lip sync. Which only upset Veronica more, telling them she knows what to do and is going to serve it, thank you very much.

The queens returned to the runway with Bimini and A’Whora sent to safety, handing Lawrence her second victory of the competition. Ru then gagged Veronica by sending her to safety, leaving besties Sister and Ginny to battle it out in the lip sync to You Keep Me Hanging On by Kim Wilde. Or so we thought. As Ginny promised to be punk, smirking as the song started, walked to the back of the stage and chuckled as they quit the competition. As Sister Sister slayed, serving the lip sync as she desperately tries to keep herself from getting eliminated. Completely unaware that that had already happened. But let’s be honest, it was great to finally see her have her break-out moment, as I love her.

As the judges and Ru laughed away, they saved Sister Sister from elimination while backstage Ginny was laughing it up at refusing to face off against their friend and going out on their own terms. Given Gin was positively feeling their oats, I quickly pulled them in for my final pre-COVID cuddle and congratulated them on showcasing how wonderful a performer they are. While the rest of the girls were hearing the siren announcing that they too would be heading home to wait out the pandemic, Gin and I laughed it up as we smashed a Ginny Lemon Tart in honour of a short yet memorable run.

This glorious little number is a classy take on the lemon tart. The herby notes of the gin perfectly cut through the tart of the citrus and sweetness, giving you a delightfully gossy dessert that feels just a little bit posher than usual.

Enjoy!

Ginny Lemon Tart
Serves: 12.

Ingredients
260g salted butter, at room temperature
450g raw caster sugar
8 eggs
500g flour
60ml gin
2 lemons, zested and juiced

Method
Preheat the oven to 200C.

Combine the butter with 200g of the sugar in a stand mixer and cream on high speed until just together. Add two of the eggs, and mix again until just combined. Reduce to low and slowly add in the flour and mix until it just comes together. Transfer to a floured service and lightly work into a ball.

Roll the pastry until a few millimetres and press into a large perforated tart tin. Pop the tin on a baking sheet and transfer to the freezer to chill for five minutes or so. Once the dough has firmed up a bit, prick the base of the shell with a fork and then pop in the oven and cook for 15 minutes, or until gloriously golden. Remove from the oven and leave to chill on a wire rack while you get to work on the custard.

Pop the remaining sugar and egg in a saucepan with the gin, zest and juice, and stir until well combined. Place over low heat and stir constantly, cook until it reaches 75C. Strain through some cheesecloth into a jug and remove any bubbles from the top. Gently pour the mixture into the cooled shell and return to the oven to cook for ten minutes, or until the centre of the tart is still jiggling. Remove from the oven and allow to cool for about half an hour before transferring to the fridge to set.

And once it is set, devour. In a punk fashion.

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Michele Fitzgerkald Chicken Pizza

Main, Pizza, Poultry, Street Food, Survivor, Survivor: Winners at War, TV, TV Recap

Previously on Survivor the final four arrived on the top of a mountain in Fiji for their final immunity challenge. The one that Jeremy won on his way to victory in Second Chances. It came down to a battle of New Jersey before Michele dropped and handed Natalie immunity, guaranteeing an epic run from first boot to final tribal council. Back at camp everyone split up to start practicing fire, with Winchele slaying while Tony and Sarah were both decidedly more nervous. That didn’t matter, however, as Natalie took Winchele through to final tribal with her, forcing Sarah and Tony to face off with the latter surprising with victory. Sending one of my newest faves Sarah to the jury.

The final three awoke on day 39, thrilled to discover their breakfast. We then heard from the finalists one by one, with Michele speaking about how hard it was to get such a backlash against her previous win. She admitted she was proud to prove the haters wrong and show with this game, that she is a good player and didn’t fluke her first victory. Natalie admitted that while her path was non-traditional, she owned the hand that was dealt her, gaming the hell out of the Edge and never giving up. She knew that her only focus was to convince the haters on the jury and prove that she deserves to be there.

Tony meanwhile planned to highlight how well-rounded his game was and always has been, and as such, knew he needed to convince the people whose dreams he crushed that he deserves victory. That being said, he is feeling pretty confident based on the game he played and the feedback Natalie gave everyone when she returned to the game. And felt like he was hours away from being crowned King to Sandra’s Queen. Which just feels so right, given they are both as chaotic as each other.

We then pivoted to the rain soaked tribal council where the final three were joined by the sixteen person jury – being without Sandra still hurts, I’m not going to lit – where Probst sadly didn’t pivot to the OG structure. And I will pause it there and fast forward a little bit because despite each of the final three playing a strong game, the jury didn’t seem to respect Michele’s stellar game and as such she was completely shut out of the vote. In an extremely undeserving fashion.

Given that pissed me off, I called a break in production and tapped Michele on the shoulder to eat out feelings early. And to apologise. Because I was firmly team Aubry during her original season, however it really had more to do with the fact that I love an underdog. And given how well Michele played from the bottom this season, I will gladly eat humble pie. Actually, I wish I was eating humble pie, because that would mean she would be joining Sandra as the second two-time winner. Instead, I cursed her into being a zero vote finalist by whipping up a Michele Fitzgerkald Chicken Pizza.

Yes, the curse has struck yet again. And I am so sad about it. That being said, as is always the case, this is so delicious it is hard to stay angry. Sweet, spicy and salty, it has it all – just like Winchele’s robbed goddess game.

Enjoy!

Michele Fitzgerkald Chicken Pizza
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
2 bases as per Pizsa Zsa Gabor
½ cup muscovado sugar, plus 1 tablespoon for the chicken seasoning
¼ cup chicken stock
¼ cup ketchup
¼ cup glucose syrup
1 onion, half finely diced and sliced
3 garlic cloves, minced
2 tbsp red wine vinegar
1 tsp lemon juice
½ tsp chilli flakes
¼ tsp dried thyme
¼ tsp dried oregano
½ tsp ground allspice, plus a pinch for the sauce
salt and pepper
½ tsp paprika
½ tsp garlic powder
¼ tsp cayenne pepper
¼ cup olive oil
2 chicken breasts, cut into a small dice
1 red capsicum, sliced
1 yellow capsicum, sliced
1 cup mozzarella cheese, grated
4 rashers streaky bacon, diced
2 shallots, sliced

Method
Combine half a cup of muscovado sugar, the chicken stock, ketchup, glucose syrup, the diced onion, garlic, red wine vinegar, lemon juice, chilli flakes, thyme, oregano and allspice with a good whack of salt and a smaller whack of pepper in a saucepan over medium heat. Bring to a boil, reduce heat to low and simmer for 10 minutes or until glorious and thick. Remove from the heat and allow to cool slightly.

Combine a tablespoon of muscovado sugar, a teaspoon of salt, half a teaspoon of pepper and allspice, with the paprika, garlic powder, cayenne pepper and the oil in a bowl. Toss the chicken to coat and cook in the frying pan over medium heat for five to ten minutes, or until cooked through.

Prep the base as per Zsa Zsa’s instructions and preheat the oven to 200°C.

Roll out the dough and spread with the sauce, then scatter with mozzarella, the capsicums, sliced onion and the spicy chicken. Transfer to the oven to bake for 20 minutes or so, or until golden and bubbling.

While the pizza is cooking, fry the bacon over medium heat, or until golden and crisp.

Remove the pizza from the oven and sprinkle with the bacon and shallots. Before devouring, like the icon you’ve always been.

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Spiced Rumise & Stappley Juice

Drink, Survivor, Survivor: Winners at War, TV, TV Recap

Previously on Survivor the Edge-rs were given their final chance to earn Fire Tokens, with Natalie finding another advantage – well, disadvantage – which she sold to Nick. Back at camp, we learnt it was a disadvantage at the upcoming immunity, which he and Michele promptly played on Ben. Mainly to fuck with his head. And boy did it work, as he lamented that everyone clearly hated him. I don’t know whether it was that, or the fact that she was sick of being on the bottom, but it powered Michele to victory in the immunity challenge. And while it seemed like an easy Denise vote or a Ben blindside, Tony and Sarah stayed in control and got rid of Nick and his nipples instead.

The next day we checked in with Edge of Extinction where the tribe were overjoyed to finally be leaving, given the final returning challenge was upon them. Amber was shocked that she had spent a month there and questioned whether she may actually miss it, given it is a beautiful location and forced her to slow down and reflect on her life. Tyson found the note directing them to pack up the camp and head out to the challenge, with Rob thrilled that the idol he purchased before the last challenge would still be in play should he win the next challenge. Kim was ready to fight, while Wendell was keen to buy an advantage.

Speaking of which, they received the menu and all quietly disappeared to figure out what they would be purchasing. Yul opted for a challenge advantage, as did Queen Parvati while Ethan tragically couldn’t afford anything. Meanwhile the Jeff Bezos of Extinction, Natalie, shared that she has 14 damn tokens, allowing her to buy peanut butter and three advantages, while she still had the idol she purchased ahead of the last challenge. Oh and then she used her excess cash to buy an idol for Tyson just in case. They then hugged and wished each other luck and hot damn, we were robbed of them being on a tribe together.

The first iteration of the final five were brought out to see the epic return challenge before the Edge of Extinction inhabitants were wheeled out, led by its rich Queen, Natalie. Probst then explained that for the chance to return, they would each be attached to a rope, race over a fence and pole obstacle, dig up a rope and build a rope bridge, before untying balls and using them to complete a table maze. Nat, Parv, Yul and Wendell could each skip the fence, while Natalie’s wealth bought the extra advantages to skip the dig portion and to have her rope bridge already half built.

Yul, Parv and Wendell got out to an early lead while poor Natalie struggled on the pole section of the puzzle, giving the trio the chance to overtake and make her second advantage moot. Eventually she made it off the pole and caught up to Wendell, though continued to struggle as she made it to the bridge. Ultimately Wendell was first to the puzzle with Natalie, Rob, Yul, Jeremy and Parvati nipping at his heels. Wendell landed his first ball, with Natalie next, followed by Tyson who appeared at the puzzle without warning. The trio were neck and neck until Wendell dropped the second ball at the last moment, giving Natalie the chance to land hers and send her back into the game after following Nadiya’s lead and becoming the first boot.

Everyone was thrilled for Natalie, however the remaining losers were well and truly gutted to not make it back. Kim spoke about how hard her second game was and how she learnt that not winning and playing the perfect game was almost even better than her first experience. Tyson spoke about his decade of craziness thanks to the game and how it prepared him for having kids, given his weird talents are perfect for that. And then we got to Amber and hot damn, it was heartbreaking – through tears, she spoke about how the only reason she came back was to be Rob’s rock and spoke about how she never felt like the winner of All Stars and knows people hate her. Rob then spoke in a high pitch, through tears about how beautiful and strong his wife is and damn, it is beautiful. Parvati spoke about how hard it was to come back as the mother of a newborn and broke down about how much more difficult this season was, though how proud of herself she is.

Oh and then we got to Ethan and I mean, this is more gut wrenching than a family visit. Ethan spoke about how his first season led to him starting a charity which funded the drug that saved his life when he had cancer and oh my god, I am sobbing. Jeff spoke about the strength of winners and thanked them for the season, sending them back out to Ponderosa to freshman up ahead of the next tribal council.

We returned to camp where Tony was busy reminding himself to not be suckered in by the emotion of farewelling some of the icons of the game and instead use it as the drive to fight tooth and nail to get to the end. Meanwhile Natalie was shocked to make it back after 33 days and return to the same camp she left on day two. That being said, she knew she had to focus given that the other five are tight and she needs to find a crack and find it quick. With that she sat everyone down and told them all that everyone on the Edge is rooting for Tony, knowing that he is pulling the strings and dictating what happens. While it was a lie, and Tony knew it, he also knew it was something that could easily sway people. Tony and Sarah caught up, incorrectly assuming that Natalie has no advantages in her pocket and vowed to stick together to get rid of her ASAP before Sarah went on an epic rant about how she has been fighting just as hard as Tony – which is true – and should he win, he has her to thank for it.

My only fear is that doubt is going to make her lose focus on the task at hand. Begging the question, do I now love Sarah?

Jeffrey returned for the second final six immunity challenge which honestly was a behemoth. The tribe would have to race through a series of obstacles to collect puzzle pieces, running up a huge stairwell and dropping off the pieces before going down a slide and doing it again until they had all the pieces. Then they would have to solve a three tier puzzle and hot damn, didn’t Winchele win this is her OG season? Tony and Ben got out to a slight lead, with Sarah and Natalie nipping at their heels. Though I kind of think it has more to do with the obstacle, given Michele and Denise clearly started on the hardest. Ben maintained his lead, while Michele was well and truly last as Denise fought her way back into the challenge. Ultimately Ben secured his pieces first, followed by Tony and Natalie while Denise and Sarah tried to stay in it. And Michele? I jinxed her.

Wait, maybe not, as everyone struggled to crack the first layer of the puzzle, allowing Michele to catch up. And catch up she did, building her first tier before anyone else. Natalie was the second to crack it, making it a two horse race between my two Jersey icons. Sarah joined the fray just as Michele solved the second tier as everyone changed their tactic to cheating, which was pointless as she powered on to win the challenge for the second time. Fly kicking it for a second time, to boot. The girl is a bloody icon and I don’t care who knows it.

Back at camp Tony was nervous about Natalie’s potential ownership of an idol, while Ben spoke about being well and truly over rice. Tony tried to get everyone to remain calm and chill while Natalie joked that she needs to stay busy looking for an idol and disappeared, leaving Tony and Ben to catch up. Tony tried to focus on a plan assuming that Natalie did have an idol, so suggested they split the vote on her and Denise. Which Ben didn’t want to do, given he is very close to her. Everyone reconvened at camp, with Natalie offering to chat to anyone that is interested with Michele openly saying that she would be happy to. The iconic duo then wandered to the beach, with Natalie immediately sharing the fact she has an idol and as such, they deduced that targeting Tony and Ben would be a bad idea, given they would both play theirs if she did.

Michele then played double agent and returned to camp, telling them that Natalie is being paranoid making her think she doesn’t have an idol. And as such, she would be voting for Natalie. Tony meanwhile grew anxious, not wanting to needlessly waste an idol and grew frustrated by the fact that people weren’t interested in voting out Denise. He pulled Sarah aside to suggest that they turn on Denise instead, to guarantee that they are in control and don’t have to burn the idols. Though Sarah wasn’t really interested, given she was sure that Natalie didn’t have an idol since they grew tight in their short time together – poor naive Sarah – and as such, he just needs to calm down.

At tribal council Ben spoke about how big of a threat Natalie and her Edge relationships are to everyone’s endgames, while Michele said that the information she provides is important and everyone has hit everyone differently. Ben continued to lowkey rage about her return, while Sarah spoke about being grateful for Natalie giving her information she wouldn’t otherwise have had until the end. Natalie spoke about the fact that everyone believes Tony is playing the best game, whether it is true or not, before Sarah spoke about the horrible gender bias in Survivor and how she and Tony playing the same game makes him a hero but her a bitch. She spoke about the guilt she felt after Game Changers, reminding her fellow women that they are able to play the game however they want and need to be proud of it. Tony agreed that women shouldn’t experience that prejudice while Ben tried to get in on the action, praising them as our mothers and sisters. Even Probst owned his part in it, apologising for comments he may have made and even the fact that he rarely calls women by their surname. To which Sarah sweetly replied that he can start calling her Lacina.

After our learning moment, Natalie spoke about how there is a tight four in the game, with Michele on the bottom and her, well, left right out. Tony denied it, saying that she is creating cracks, rather than finding them. Tony doubled down saying that the information Natalie was getting was warped by the perspective of somebody that was just scorned, while Natalie simply said that she told the women they were handing Tony $2 million and as such, need to change things up. With that, the tribe voted, Natalie played her idol to a round of ‘told you so’s’ before Tony stood up and played his as well, followed by Ben, leaving only Sarah and Denise vulnerable. The first four votes piled up on Natalie, followed by two on Ben, leaving the final six to vote again; only for Denise or Sarah. And if there is another tie, the women needed to battle it out in a firemaking challenge. Which was information we did not need, as everyone joined together to send Denise from the game.

As the Queen Slayer arrived in Ponderosa, I pulled her in for a massive hug and congratulated on playing a stellar game. And I told her that while I was proud of the move she pulled off with Sandra, as the latter’s biggest fan, it is taking all my strength to not cuss her out as well. Being a therapist, she was able to help me work through my feelings and I was able to love her once again. And even toast her becoming the Queen Slayer with a punchy Spiced Rumise & Stappley Juice.

We’re getting to the pointy end of the season, so obviously, we needed to have a celebratory drink. And given this one is both super easy and so very tasty, there was no better way to mark the season.

Enjoy!

Spiced Rumise & Stappley Juice
Serves: 1.

Ingredients
ice
60ml spiced rum
splash of bitters
1 cup cloudy apple juice
wedge of lime, to garnish

Method
This is a pour and stir cocktail, so it is pretty easy.

Fill a short glass with ice, top with the rum and bitters, fill with apple juice, squeeze the wedge of lime and add to the cup. Stir, down and repeat. Though be warned, it is a double shot.

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Thaison Beef Salapostol

Main, Salad, Survivor, Survivor: Winners at War, TV, TV Recap

Previously on Survivor Parvati and Danni found an advantage on the Edge and while they planned to keep their riches secret, were caught and had to share it with their fellow old schoolers. Aka everyone but Yul and Wendell, given they hadn’t been suffering as long. After the immunity challenge, the tribe returned to camp where things immediately descended into chaos. In the span of 30 seconds of screen time literally everyone’s name was thrown out except for Kim and that was only because she had immunity. The chaos continued at tribal council where everyone was whispering during deliberations, which made Adam so nervous he tried to play Probst’s podium as a hidden immunity idol. And given it clearly wasn’t one, he was swiftly sent to the Edge when the votes piled up on him.

Forgoing any interlude, Probst appeared to welcome the remaining contestants for the reward challenge featuring a little bit of love. Yes my friends, it is time for the loved ones visit! We first met Kim’s husband and three kids, and instantly everyone dissolved into a puddle of tears knowing that they too will soon see their entire families. And the fact that Kim’s adorable kids were too shy to walk around the corner to see her. Ben’s wife and kids were next, cute but not as cute as Kim’s family. Though Ben did give a really nice speech about how grateful he is to Survivor. Sophie and her husband are couple goals, Sarah’s partner and son were super cute – and hot damn, she is tough to have played Game Changers while her son was so little – and then Denise’s husband and daughter arrived and they are just so cute. Adopt Malcolm and they are officially my favourite family.

Nick and his fiance are adorkable and I live for them, and then Tony broke down at the sight of his wife and young kids and honestly, that is where I lost it. So pure, so gentle, I love him and well, he can be the King to Sandra’s Queen. Poor Michele joined the one-visitor club as her sister was wheeled out and while it isn’t as emotional as the entire family, you know they’d love to party. Tyson’s wife and former contestant Rachel arrived with one of his daughters and honestly, they are too pure for this world. And hot damn, how is this his first ever family visit? Rounding out the group, Val brought out all of her and Jeremy’s homemade idols to visit their dad – two of which were born after Val’s two idol season in San Juan del Sur. Coincidence, I think not.

After a little psych out about forcing the contestant’s kids into slave labour, Probst announced that for the first time in Survivor history there would be no actual challenge and instead everyone would be going back to camp so that they could all feast with their families. Seeing Tyson, Sarah and Ben goofing around with their kids was literally the best thing I have seen on Survivor. Well, except for this …

Meanwhile at the Edge of Extinction everyone noticed a boat full of people approaching and worried about what they could be in for. Then Natalie spotted Nadiya and lost it, screaming to the tribe as she ran to shore to hug her twinnie and the cutest baby I have ever seen. Everyone started sobbing at the mere sight of their families, but honestly Rob and Amber’s kids and Parvati and Samoa John’s baby were the standouts – I mean, the mini-Marianos are adorbs. Wait, now Adam is sobbing to his dad who couldn’t come out last time because his wife was battling cancer, Yul’s family are perfect, Ethan and his wife are sweet, Danni and her kids are cute. I love it all. Even Ethan and Parvati making out with their partners. As they said goodbye to their families, Natalie well and truly had a fire in her belly to be strong like her baby niece and slay the next challenge.

With all the love out of the way, my love Jeffrey returned to get the game back on track with the next immunity challenge. And let’s just focus on how iconic Kim is for not doing the annoying “I’m not giving it back, Jeff” schtick, okay? Anyway, the challenge requires them each to hold on to a rope to balance a tray and then walk towards it with blocks to spell out immunity. So you know Ben will suck, given he failed at spelling on Triple H. Kim, Tony, Tyson, Nick and Jeremy got out to an early lead until the latter’s risky play made him drop his first five letters. Kim was the next to drop, handing Tony and Tyson the lead. Until Tyson dropped, followed by Nick and Jeremy – again – making it now a race between Tony and a surging Ben. Thankfully Tony maintained his lead and avoided a disaster – while Ben dropped – handing him his first ever individual immunity challenge victory. And two fire tokens.

Back at camp Tony was thrilled to finally take out victory, though shocked that it was a slow and steady style challenge, which is far from his forte. Knowing immunity gives him power, Tony waited until Jeremy approached him and suggested that they split up Sarah and Sophie who had grown to be very tight. Sarah then approached him and suggested getting rid of Kim given she is charming and has everyone in her back pocket. Tony however disagreed and suggested Tyson instead, given Kim could be dealt with later. They then squabbled like a married couple and honestly, I love their chaotic energy. Tony approached Ben and Nick about potentially blindsiding Jeremy, given his game isn’t in sync with his. Meanwhile Jeremy was chatting to Kim and Tyson, suggesting that they band together with Denise and Michele to take control of the game. Kim then shared intel about her idol and vowed to use it to protect themselves and get rid of Sophie, wanting to go out taking a swing rather than not bothering.

Meanwhile Sarah caught up with Ben and Nick, and was shocked to learn that they would now be targeting Jeremy instead. And while Sarah wasn’t on board with the idea, she came around when Tony shared that they were voting for him because he tried to target her. Tyson and Jeremy caught up again, with Jeremy filling him in on his exit tribal council power though Tyson reminded him that that screws their alliance out of a vote and guarantees their plan fails, which appeared to be enough to trigger Jeremy’s firefighting, all-in-this-together spirit. Emphasis on appeared. Oh and on their way out to tribal, Sophie pulled Sarah aside and suggested she play the steal a vote to guarantee their safety and hot damn, this could get messy!

At tribal council Nick spoke about the fact the game had finally kicked into gear as whispering already commenced. Jeremy spoke about how chaotic everything was as everyone else joined the whispering, with Tony thrilled that he finally had immunity. Kim spoke about paranoia kicking off the whispering, Jeremy said that it was crazier than Second Chances and then as such, when Jeff said that they should head out to vote both Jeremy and Sarah tried to put a stop to it. Neither wanted to go first, so sat back down leading to Jeff sending them to vote before they both called out his name again. Sick of Sarah playing coy, Jeremy took his chance, got up and played his advantage to exit tribal council immediately. This left Tyson, Kim and Denise to hang their heads, immediately kicking off the whispering again. Sick of it, Sophie decided to put a stop to it and called her allies away to pick a target, while the other four nervously tried to formulate a plan.

With everyone locked in, Sarah put a stop to the proceedings again and opted to use her advantage and steal Denise’s vote. Finally, the tribe – minus Denise – headed out to vote, Kim decided to play her idol for Denise, which sadly only negated two votes against her, as the rest piled up on Tyson, sending him back to the Edge of Extinction. This time, he called out my name asking for his latest little snackie to help him settle back into hell. I hug him and told him how heartbroken I was that he never really got to find his footing this season, until he yeah yeah food-ed me, until I handed over Thaison Beef Salapostol and returned that fire to his belly.

As I often remind you, I normally follow Marge Simpson’s belief that you don’t make friends with salad, but this is another one that bucks that trend. Spicy, sweet and warm, it is honestly perfect. I mean, it is almost hearty?!

Enjoy!

Thaison Beef Salapostol
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
1 birds eye chilli
2 garlic cloves
two handfuls of coriander, plus extra for garnishing
1 tbsp caster sugar
¼ cup fish sauce
2 limes, zested and juiced
2 tbsp vegetable oil, plus extra for frying
salt and pepper, to taste
500g beef sirloin, at room temperature
4 cups mixed lettuce leaves
handful of mint leaves, plus extra to garnish
1 cup cherry tomatoes, quartered
½ small red onion, thinly sliced
½ cup roasted peanuts, roughly chopped

Method
Pop the birds eye, garlic, half of the coriander, caster sugar, fish sauce, lime zest and juice, and vegetable oil in a food processor with a pinch of salt and blitz until almost smooth and combined. Cover and leave to rest.

Place a skillet over high heat and once scorching hot, rub a little bit of oil on the steaks and sprinkle with some salt and pepper. Add to the skillet and cook for a couple of minutes, before flipping and cooking for another minute (depending on the thickness of your steak). The goal is to cook the steaks to a medium rare. Remove from the skillet to a plate, tent in some foil and leave to rest for 10 minutes.

Pop the lettuce and mint in a bowl with the remaining coriander and toss through a couple of tablespoons of the dressing. You want them dressed, but not wet. Thinly slice the beef against the grain and combine in another bowl with the tomatoes, red onion, peanuts and remaining dressing. To serve, layer the dressed leaves on the bottle of your plate, top with the beef mixture and a sprinkle of extra herbs. And then devour, like an icon.

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Roast Chooke Jowett

Australian Survivor, Australian Survivor: All Stars, Main, Poultry, TV, TV Recap

Previously on Australian Survivor, Brooke was all alone, with only the love and dreams of the nation to keep her company. Well, that and the immunity necklace, which she won for a record breaking fifth time, despite the fact we’re all forgetting the pre-merge victory. Back at camp David and his bland (well, dominant) alliance realised that they needed to flip on themselves, splitting down gender lines with Tarzan pushing to get rid of Sharn and Moana suggesting they get rid of Tarzan in the hope that David could defeat Brooke at the next immunity challenge. Ultimately though, David sided with the girls, while Brooke tried to vote for Dave – despite his idol – and poor Tarzan was booted from the game.

The next day Sharn was doing ASMR about Tarzan to David to make sure he knows just how much she really, truly valued him and everything he did. Though love me, David, LOVE ME is all I heard. Thankfully Brooke was acting as the voice of the public, calling out Moana and Sharn for playing a boneheaded game and not trying to take a shot at David when they had the chance. Though once again, she was hopeful to win immunity, fuck up their plans and force them to send him out of the game and start writing her winner’s cheque.

Meanwhile Dave joined Brooke near the shelter and after coughing like you would pre-COVID, sat down with her to ask if she is still hellbent on facing off against him. Brooke laughed it off, saying she literally has no options and nobody wants to work with her, so he is safe … unless he is interested in working with her. Knowing that he is completely falling apart after back-to-back seasons, he said that he would be interested to work together since whoever loses the next challenge is going home. But if they work together, they can save themselves and make this interesting.

After putting the idea out into the universe, Dave approached Moana to reiterate the importance of getting rid of Brooke at the next tribal council. Moana then spoke about how much she, David and Sharn need to win the game, which honestly annoys me, because this game shouldn’t be about need. I mean, that is what GoFundMe or my fellow high school alumni Celeste Barber is for!

We then got some generic filler supercuts with Brooke reminding us that Sharn and Moana dogged her at the last tribal council, Dave reminded us that he is playing his game for his kids and to be able to spend more time with them. He then started to cry about spending so much time away from them playing two seasons and just like that, I am back to wanting Dave to win. Or well, being ok with it … if Brooke can not.

My love Jonathan arrived for the penultimate immunity challenge of the season and hot damn, it’s a doozy! The final four would race to roll a ball down a shoot, race through obstacles and catch it before it hits the ground. They would then shoot the ball into a cup before shooting coconuts at a wall to break two tiles, then crawl under a ladder dragging a bag, building a ladder and scaling a wall before collecting three bags each containing a ball. Which they would then guide to the top of an upright maze to land them in three holes. And then they win immunity. As has become the way, David and Brooke were neck and neck at the start of the challenge with Brooke the first to catch her ball on the obstacle. Sadly while she struggled to land her ball in the cup, David made it past the first obstacle and quickly landed his ball. He then continued to extend his lead, crashing through the first tile as Brooke landed her ball. She quickly cracked her first tile, evening things up and making things more interesting than Jonathan’s spicy commentary. That being said, I do love David busting nut after nut. Brooke cracked her second tile just before David, as they went neck and neck under the net.

Oh and Sharn and Moana were absolutely nowhere. That isn’t relevant, but lol.

David made it over the wall first and had a slight lead going into the maze, before Brooke caught up. Both of them shaking from fatigue as they worked on the maze as Brooke landed her first ball which was quickly followed by David’s first. Brooke tried to play it fast to get a lead, though dropped right at the top giving David a lead as he landed his second. And while she fought valiantly, he landed his third and secured immunity. Back at the start of the challenge, Sharn and Moana were just thrilled to be able to stop while David and Brooke hugged, both crying as he congratulated her on being a beast and apologised for crushing her dreams. Well since it is obvious that Brooke is joining the elite group of fourth place robbed goddesses, I guess I am thrilled that it is Dave that will be taking out the win.

The final four returned to camp where David couldn’t wipe the smile off his face, praising Brooke on her continued challenge prowess. She then went to quietly reflect on the end of her game, while Dave worked to assure Sharn and Moana that they too are safe. Knowing that she needs to dig deep, Brooke caught up with Sharn by the fire and suggested that she is ending her own game by voting out Brooke, given that Moana and David will both take the other to the end over her. This made Sharn paranoid and contemplated her options, giving Brooke enough ammunition to approach Moana and let her know that Sharn, once again, is playing both sides. Because Brooke wants to battle Moana at final tribal council

While they were chatting, Moana and Dave caught up about the fact that they don’t have anything to worry about given at worst, it will be a tie and she and Brooke will need to face off in a fire challenge. That being said, Moana was hopeful that her real world friendship would be enough to stop Sharn from flipping. Brooke didn’t even need to talk to Moana, as Sharn’s growing cockiness at the thought of having the game locked up made Moana nervous about what her friend was planning. As such Moana approached Brooke to find out what Sharn was playing at, with Brooke pointing out that Moana truly needs to make sure she is in the final three with two other people that want to take her to the end and keeping her in the game means both she and Dave would take her, guaranteeing her a shot at final tribal. Which honestly is the best possible pitch because Moana is literally the only person that would be guaranteed to make the end in that situation. And realistically won’t go if she is in the final three with David and Sharn who would take each other, for some weird reason in Sharn’s case.

At tribal council – which was interrupted by another confusing, meandering presser from the PM (just tell us to stay inside and act like we hate COVID like Jacinda, please) – David spoke about his shock at making it to this point, a guaranteed shot at the final immunity challenge. While he was elated, he was kind of surprised that nobody went after him despite the mammoth target on his back. Continuing to play to the jury and the audience, David rightly lavished Brooke with praise and said that playing against her has been the biggest honour and joy for him. On the flipside, Brooke was disappointed to have lost immunity though took it with grace. But not lying down, advised Moana and Sharn that whoever joins her tonight will be the one she takes to the end. She then read them both for filth, pointing out they both told her that they can’t win at the end against Dave, and nor can they beat him at final tribal and as such, they’re stupid not to at least try going against her.

This annoyed Sharn who said that while that was Brooke’s pitch, she never actually said that she didn’t think she could beat Dave and lol. I mean, I loved Sharn in her first season but how in the hell can she not see that she has – to quote Spencer – zero percent chance of winning the game? Brooke called her out for lying and told her that she has admitted that she has no chance against Dave, then went in on her and continued to paint her as a shady liar. Brooke then heaped praise on Dave as the best Survivor player in the world, trying to scare Moana into action. This led Sharn to step in and fight, reminding everyone (read: Moana) that this is the only path for Brooke and honestly, she will win final immunity if she gets there. Sadly that logic is flawed, given she has said time and time again that Dave will win in the end, so if she does win final immunity, she will take anyone but him. And while they’re both kind of guaranteed to lose unless they are against each other, they surely have a better chance against Brooke.

Moana jumped in and said that while Brooke doesn’t think either of them have the ability to beat Dave, it is up to them to prove her wrong. And while I admire the confidence, I don’t know if they are accounting for who is sitting on the jury. That being said, if Moana didn’t think she could beat everyone left, she would have blindsided them. Sharn agreed that she also thinks she can win – lol – before David admitted that he is fully aware that should he lose final immunity, he knows that he is going to come in third. Smelling blood in the water, Brooke said that taking someone strong to the end is the boldest play you can make and already, she would award Dave the title knowing what he is visibly done. Though she knows that he has played harder than that and will have a compelling case.

Moana said she was confident in the direction she has chosen to take, while Brooke said that people have suggested they may vote with her, they all need to realise that loyalty won’t get you to the end. More specifically, it won’t give you money to buy your family a house, Mo. With that the tribe voted and tragically Brooke was finally felled from the game, though thankfully she joined the illustrious ranks of our fourth place robbed goddesses – Flick, Michelle, Shonee and Luke.

Through tears, I stood at the doors of Jury Villa and applauded our newest queen as she arrived to officially join the ranks of the iconic fourth placers. Please note that every fourth placed robbed-goddess has also played the game twice, which is a testament to their skillz and charm. Given I was overwhelmed by emotion (and knowing that Brooke’s loss likely put us on the trajectory we’re currently on in corona-ville) and I knew Brooke would be in need of some much needed nourishment, I quickly whipped up a Roast Chooke Jowett and toasted on playing the best losing game of the season.

Like her underdog journey, there is something so nourishing and wholesome about a perfectly roasted chicken. Your home is filled with a gorgeous aroma, there are leftovers for days and honestly, you feel a little bit smug because it always seems much more daunting than it is. Essentially, it is a culinary hug, which is what Brooke deserves.

Enjoy!

Roast Chooke Jowett
Serves: 4-6, depending on the amount of leftovers you want.

Ingredients
1 large free-range chicken
2 medium onions, peeled and halved
2 carrots, peeled (or just washed, no judgement) and cut into 3cm lengths
2 sticks of celery, just into 3cm lengths
1 bulb of garlic, peeled and bruised
olive oil
1 bunch of mixed fresh herbs, ideally thyme, rosemary and sage
1 lemon, pierced with a skewer
salt and pepper, to taste
1 tbsp flour, ¼ cup vermouth and 2 cups of chicken stock, should you want to make an accompanying gravy

Method
Preheat the oven to 240°C and take the chicken out of the fridge for about half an hour to come to temperature.

Throw the onion, carrot, celery and garlic in a large baking dish with a drizzle of olive oil and toss to combine. Grab the chicken and shove the herbs and lemon inside the carcass. Drizzle with oil and season with salt and pepper, rubbing over to make sure it is well coated. Place the chicken on top of the vegetables, reduce the oven to 200°C and transfer to the oven to cook for 1 hour and 15-30 minutes, depending on the size of the chicken.

Remove chicken from the oven, transfer to a plate, cover and rest for fifteen minutes at which point, mash all the veggies in the pan juices should you be making a gravy. Add the flour and cook over medium heat on the stove until bubbling. Whisk in the vermouth and stock and cook, stirring, until a thick, glorious gravy is formed. Season with pepper.

Serve the chicken with your fave roast veggies, drowned in gravy with some white crusty bread for sopping up – like a queen – as you devour.

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Shoneedi Burgfax

Australian Survivor, Australian Survivor: All Stars, Burgers, Main, Poultry, Street Food, TV, TV Recap

Previously on Australian Survivor, David secured back-to-back wins in the reward and immunity challenges. Most importantly, he also gave us two beautiful nudes scenes which really does count for something, in my mind. The best of which occurred at the reward, where he had taken his allies Sharn, Moana and Tarzan for an overnight holiday and showered in nature like an actual God. Despite that majesty, the reward meant he left Jacqui alone back at camp with the minority alliance and boy did they work her! At tribal council, Jacqui flipped to their side and they loaded their votes on Moana, while her former alliance all voted for her. While the minority alliance was keen to go to rocks, Sharn convinced them that she would join their side if they let Jacqui go and as such, she headed out to become the queen of the jury.

Back at camp things were decidedly awkward as Sharn tried to act like she was friends with everyone, officially killing off her chances at winning the season. She buddied up to Brooke and Shonee first, the latter of which rightly pointed out that David only wants to keep people he can beat around and as such, she isn’t making it to the end. She then swung by David and Tarzan to pretend that everything that happened at tribal was simply one big act, when in actuality, Tarzan knew she was now lying to them given she mouthed at him to vote Moana in the revote. When I was about to love him, he opted not to call her out and now I am sad and need him to go.

The next day Sharn was still busy buddying up to the Vakama trio when a cow straight up wandered into camp. Obviously Shonee and Brooke approached to see if it would like any pats or better still, to join their alliance and go to the final four with them. Feeling nervous about being replaced by a bovine, Sharn sidled up to David again and reiterated that she is still definitely with him and was solely telling them everything they needed to hear. Which again, is why she lost her first game. And is why she is now the perfect person to take to the end. While David didn’t say that, he did assure her that he is still all in on taking her to the end. And coupled with Shonee’s comment about him only wanting to take people to the end he could beat, that should tell her what he thinks of her current chances.

The tribe all sunbaked by the shore and gossiped before a stewing Tarzan won back my heart, pulling Moana aside to let her know that Sharn was gunning for her at the last tribal council. And given he is so honest, Moana originally wanted to believe him but instead, she and David blindly assured him that Sharn wouldn’t have meant it and he must have misunderstood her.

#JusticeForTarzan

With them occupied, Brooke and Shonee went hunting for an idol for a little bit before gossiping about Sharn losing five jury votes if she dicks them over. Oh and then Shonee reminded us that she is the reason Sharn lost her first season and should she fuck with her, she will gladly makes sure she comes second again. Elsewhere the erstwhile runner-up approached AK to assure him that she is all in with the alliance and while she is keen to get rid of Dave, she also wants to make sure they do it at the right time.

My love Jonathan arrived for the immunity challenge where each tribemate was required to keep themselves wedged between two frames with the last one standing winning immunity. Aka when you used to try and hold yourself up in a door frame and act super cool in the 90s. Almost instantly, AK dropped – due to an ACL injury, FYI – followed closely by Moana and Sharn, who is just as hapless at the challenge as she is in the game. When trying to transition to a higher section of the frame, we lost our Queen Shonee before Tarzan followed after 15 minutes. The remaining two fought it out for another full 30 minutes before David started to struggle, wriggling around while Brooke sat motionless in the frame until finally, after 75 minutes, David dropped and Brooke snatched yet another immunity.

Back at camp David was feeling salty as everyone congratulated Brooke on how easy she made the challenge look. With him simmering, Shonee, Brooke and AK went for a walk, hoping Sharn would follow so they could fashion a plan. She eventually followed them to the well, with AK pushing everyone to load the votes on David, offering himself as the other groups target as he would rather get idoled out than be a sitting duck. Sharn eventually disappeared to chat with her other allies, while Shonee and AK laughed about how screwed Sharn is at the end, should she flip on them. Meanwhile Sharn and Moana were locking in the vote for Shonee, with Moana pointing out how happy that would make Sharn since she wants revenge on her for losing her first season. WHAT?! I think it was your terrible performance in front of the jury. Oh and then she suggested she is playing a killer, covert game this season.

LOL.

After locking in the vote, she disappeared to hang with the Vakama trio to make sure they thought she was in with them. That gave Tarzan time to remind David that he is in grave danger tonight and they really need to think about something other than trusting Sharn. With that, David filled them in on his idol and suggested that he go to Sharn and let her know about the idol and promise her that it is the two of them until the end. He then went and did just that as Sharn fangirled over him and congratulated him on a game well played, she then told us that she could see right through his plan and as such, knew it would be safe to target him tonight.

At tribal council AK admitted to regretting turning on Jacqui, as the risk of rocks was less of a risk than trusting Sharn. Shonee and Brooke joined him by explaining that they were super keen to go to rocks, until Sharn promised to work with them. Sharn then admitted to everything in front of the jury, with Shonee pointing out that should she join the jury because of Sharn, it won’t end well for her. Essentially. Sharn then said that she was happy with the decision she has made for the vote ahead before David tried to play into her ego, saying Sharn has played a great game this season and as such, he wants to face her at the end. AK started to try for the same pitch, encouraging her that now is the time to make a big move and that joining them is pretty much the only way for her to do it.

David tried to remind her that he wants to work with her, while AK and Brooke worked harder, reminding Sharn that taking out David would be best for a lot of people’s games, not just the Vakama trio. AK then started to shoot himself in the foot, talking about changing his mind about who he wants to sit with at the end after each tribal council, based on who is left and how the ones that have gone were voted out. David used this to his advantage, assuring them that he has always been solid and hasn’t swayed from who he wants to go to the final four with. A sentiment which was echoed by Sharn and then Moana.

With that they voted and once again Sharn blindly trusted the strongest man in the game to her detriment, sticking with her OG alliance to send our beloved Queen Shonee from the game. And fuck am I completely enraged! I mean, if you listen carefully during the count, you can hear my screaming expletives from the Jury Villa, vowing to ruin Sharn’s life. While I have slightly calmed down since I am now busy worrying about everyone’s life since COVID-19, I am still furious about her decision to end my queen’s game. But I am no longer planning to ruin her life which is growth. Though let’s be honest, even if I did and she sued me, I honestly don’t think I would need to worry about facing her in court. Given she crumbles in front of a jury, right?

I know, I know – it was a long journey to get ro a boring read about her sucking at final tribal council. But I digress.

As soon as I stopped crying enough to see Shonee in the Jury Villa, I pulled her in for a massive hug and muttered repeatedly about her being a precious angel and needs to win this show eventually and that she better not end up like Cirie, just coming back and never getting the win she deserves. Obviously I sounded completely unhinged but Shon being Shon, she held me tight and assured me that everything is going to be ok.

“But cherub, maybe it would be even better with a little snack, no?”

As it is written, so it shall be done and as requested, I gifted her a piping hot, delicious Shoneedi Burgfax.

I will die on a hill that Oporto’s Bondi Burger is one of the great take-away burgers. Breaded, juicy chicken, chilli that knocks your socks off and a gorgeously creamy mayo work together to create not just a delicious burg, but the perfect way to honour an icon like Shonee.

Enjoy!

Shoneedi Burgfax
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
2 dried habanero chillies, seeded and chopped
2 tsp hot paprika
6 garlic cloves, minced
2 tsp minced ginger
½ tsp raw caster sugar
2 lemons, zested and juiced
⅓ cup vegetable oil
2 chicken breasts, sliced into two fillets each
1 cup flour, for dredging
1 tsp kosher salt
4 burger buns
¼ cup Shayonnaise Swain
1 cup butter lettuce, washed and shredded
4 slices provolone cheese

Method
Start by prepping the chilli sauce by combining the habanero, paprika, garlic, ginger, sugar, lemon juiced and oil in a jug and stir until well combined.

Pour half the chilli sauce into a bowl and add the chicken, tossing through until well coated. Cover and transfer to the fridge to marinate for an hour or so.

When you’re good to go, remove the chicken from the fridge and combine the flour and salt in a bowl. One at a time, remove the breast from the chilli sauce, draining off excess liquid before dredging in the flour mixture. Place on a plate and repeat the process.

Pop a large skillet over medium heat and lightly brush with some extra vegetable oil. Fry the breasts for about five minutes each side until golden, crisp and most importantly, cooked through.

To assemble, split the buns – my favourite part – and spread each side with mayo. Place the lettuce on the bottom followed by a chicken breast, cheese and a generous spoon of the reserved chilli sauce.

Serve with fries, obvi, then devour.

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Rob Mariagnocchi

Main, Pasta, Survivor, Survivor: Winners at War, TV, TV Recap, Vegetarian

Previously on Survivor the wealth was spread a little bit on the Edge, as they were all offered a fire token for free if they could transport twenty logs from the top of the mountain to camp. Which they did, but not before breaking down emotionally and physically. Parv and Rob continued to grow closer on Sele, and hilariously caused a little chaos for Adam, telling Jeremy and Michele he was out to get them. Thankfully for Parv though, it wasn’t necessary, as Sele finally won another challenge thanks to Nick choking. Over at Dakal, Tyson tried to use Nick bombing the challenge to rally the tribe against him. Sadly though, Sandra couldn’t move past the fact he targeted her, so the rest of the tribe went with the easy vote and sent Tyson to the Edge.

We started things out by checking in on Dakal, where Queen Sandra was holding court and congratulating her underlings on making it a third of the way through. Nick was thrilled to have survived the last tribal and to see his hero Tyson booted instead, given he was causing disharmony. Well he was thrilled about it until he discovered that Tyson had bequeathed his fire token to him and as such, he worried he may have gotten rid of a potential ally. Which is some 4D chess from Tyson, TBH. Speaking of new bonds, Yul and Sarah were hanging out with the former sharing that he is shocked – and thrilled – to find that he likes them all on a personal level. He then shared that the only person he stayed in contact with from his season is the iconic Jonathan Penner. This then led to the heartbreaking reveal that Jonathan’s wife Stacey has been diagnosed with ALS, which has progressed rapidly and left them verging on ruin.

Yul then broke down in tears and oh my God, I couldn’t love him more. Plus, Sarah offering him a hug is the best she has been since the Varner–Zeke scandal.

Before I even had a chance to wipe away my tears Jeffrey joined the tribes on the marooning island to announce the tribe swap. Much to Rob’s chagrin, since it led to his first loss in Marquesas. As everyone revealed their new buffs, Rob found himself starting over again on the new Yara tribe, with Ben, Adam, Sarah and Sophie. Much to Adam’s fear, given his fellow former Sele peeps don’t get along. They were facing off against Dakal, featuring Mum and Dad, Kim, Denise and Jeremy – ripe for Advantageddon 2.0 – and Sele, home to Nick, his crush Parvati, Yul and exes Michele and Wendell.

We returned to Dakal where Jeremy and Denise were shocked by how great their new shelter was, thrilled to be moving on up in the world. Jeremy was also thrilled to discover that Kim was on the outs on her former tribe and as such, his minority position may be no more, given she seems down to flip on Tony and Sandra ASAP. Which is a sentiment she echoed to Denise. Meanwhile Tony and Sandra were talking about the importance of sticking together as two of the biggest targets, agreeing that Kim is a great target and as such, they all need to stick together. Because, and to quote Tony, the lions need to work together so the hyenas don’t win. Oh and then to solidify her new, glorious position, Kim caught an eel the size of an anaconda and just like that she is sitting pretty.

Over at Love Island, aka Sele 2.0, Nick was thrilled to be in the majority of his new tribe and most importantly, living with his high school crush. Meanwhile Wendell was not so thrilled, given the fact that the shelter is absolute dog shit and he is pretty much starting over from scratch. And more importantly, he is stuck with someone he dated or hung with, depending on whose story is to be believed. On the same tribe for the first time in 27 seasons, Parvati and Yul reconnected, with the latter telling Parv that she is his wife’s favourite player of all time. Continuing the love for Parv, Nick pulled her aside and admitted to his crush for her. And between that and the tension between Michele and Wendell, she was laughing it up like she, Cirie, Amanda and Natalie had just convinced Erik to give up immunity.

The former couple caught up and honestly, Michele just showed how much of an icon she is – she gave him a wink and asked if it would be awkward for him, leading to him stammering around his response while she giggled away. She then caught up with Parvati and the two trash talked the boys – ‘New season, who dis?’ – before joking about giving the boys something to drool over and going for a swim. And oh God, can they be the final two?!

Meanwhile over at the newly formed Yara tribe, Ben was annoyed to be stuck with Rob and Adam, the two people he trusted least on Sele as they both actively worked to blow up his game. Sarah on the other hand quickly worked to do damage control with Rob, identifying Tyson as the reason Amber was voted out and assuring him that that was why he was voted out the night before. To defend Amber’s honour. The five went wandering around to explore their new island before talk turned to how in the hell Ethan got voted out. The boys then freely gave up the fact that they don’t really get along and as such, Sarah and Sophie got to work seeing who would be willing to work with them. And after quickly learning that all three were open, they were thrilled to discover they could choose who to form that majority with. Which made Sophie nervous, given surely the boys would figure out their best hope is together, no?

With that, the tribe split up to hunt for the new tribe’s idol with Rob sharing how difficult hidden immunity idols were for him to grasp. While he found one on Redemption Island, he had clues and as such, wasn’t confident in his abilities to find one without one. While he was echoing Amber’s struggles in the first episode, Sophie snatched the idol and even survived a joking ‘empty your pockets’ from Ben before she learnt that she too had to give up half to someone by sundown. As such she found Sarah, filled her in and handed over the half, hopeful that it would come back to her like how she returned Kim’s half to her. And just like that, the girls had two advantages and a fractured trio to save them from their shitty hand.

Jiffy Pop returned for the first three-way immunity challenge where the tribes would have to race through a series of obstacles, toss their sacks at a rod to knock off blocks and then use said coloured blocks to solve a puzzle. All three tribes were neck and neck through the first obstacles, however by the second, Yara started to pull away with Sele firmly in second while Dakal struggled to climb a ladder. What a fall from grace for ladder king, Tony! Yara made quick work of the blocks, giving them a huge lead on the puzzle while the other teams played for second. Sele were next to knock off their blocks as they closed the gap with Yara. Eventually Dakal joined the tribes in solving the puzzle, just as Sele secured the first immunity. With that Dakal battled with Yara, until Yara took their puzzle apart to start again, giving Jeremy and Sandra time to secure the other immunity for Dakal.

Back at camp Sophie felt nervous, given she blew the challenge for the tribe. She and Sarah were left alone at camp as the boys went for a walk. This left them time to lock in their vote for one of the boys. Just as the boys were all agreeing not to vote for one another. As they locked in their vote for Sarah, Rob suggested that back at camp, they refuse to go for a walk so that the girls have nobody to scramble with. Aka the buddy system, the most boring gameplay to watch. This drove the girls – and Adam – absolutely mental, stewing with rage as the boys hung out together. Wait, no, everyone sat in miserable silence, with Rob seemingly unaware how annoyed people were by his decree. Eventually Sophie and Sarah went for a walk to the well, just to alleviate their boredom and dream about blindsiding Rob, with only winks and nods from the boys as reassurance.

At tribal council Sophie spoke about the differences between her two seasons, thankful that this time there are so many intermixed relationships that there is always hope. Adam praised how good at the game the tribe are, which Ben agreed with, though kind of playing it down as they all simply know not to piss anyone off. Sarah spoke about how little the boys were interacting with her at camp today, which Sophie agreed with before insinuating that it was a decree from whoever was in charge. She then continued to play the situation perfectly, cussing out Jeff for using the term ‘crack’ as she and Sarah aren’t invaders out to destroy something, but two people looking to start an alliance with like minded individuals. Sarah jumped on board to plead with the boys and you could honestly see the moment Rob started to shit his pants, despite trying to look calm.

He tried to appeal to the boys, agreeing that while the boys aren’t close and have all done something to the other, he reminded them that at the end of the day, numbers matter. Ben agreed that it seemed like things were simple with two easy votes before sharing how lazy their afternoon was. Rob again tried to play down the fact he forced them into not talking, before Sophie owned him and pointed out how Rob is doing the exact thing he did in the season that he won and if they don’t do something about it, he will win again. With that the tribe voted and despite having zero time to strategise, Adam and Ben did indeed flip on Rob, joining the girls to send him from the game.

As Rob ventured out of tribal council I pulled him in for a massive hug before biting my tongue failed me, and I cussed him out for treating other winners like the cast of Redemption Island. Because they are all too good to tolerate that. He agreed it was a rookie mistake, but was grateful to be reunited with Amber on the Edge and bide his time until he can return and dominate. And while I didn’t have the heart to tell him that Natalie is the favourite to return as the wealthiest woman in the game, I instead handed him a bowl of Rob Mariagnocchi and wished him all the best.

While this is a super simple recipe, it proves that simple is often best. The rich butter is taken to the edge of nuttiness, while the smooth sage and sharp parmesan come together to create something so delicious it is almost life affirming.

Enjoy!

Rob Mariagnocchi
Serves: 4-6.

Ingredients
1 batch of the gnocchi from Gnokylie Evans or 500g pre-made gnocchi
⅓ cup butter
12-18 sage leaves
4 garlic cloves, minced
salt and pepper, to taste
1 lemon, zested and juiced
½ cup parmesan, shaved

Method
Start by prepping your gnocchi per Kylie’s recipe, or cook it per packet instructions.

When the gnocchi is close to done, melt the butter in a large skillet over medium heat and once it has melted, cook for a couple of minutes, to lightly brown and bring out the nuttiness. Once it is there, add in the sage and cook for a couple of minutes to crisp, before finally tossing through the garlic for a minute to make it nice and fragrant. Add the gnocchi with a good whack of salt and pepper, and toss to combine.

Remove from heat and add in the lemon zest and a few teaspoons of juice, and stir through the parmesan. Then serve immediately and devour.

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Leemon & Porkarseldine Pasta

Australian Survivor, Australian Survivor: All Stars, Pasta, TV, TV Recap

Previously on Australian Survivor the remaining Vakama were sitting ducks after losing Locky at the merge tribal council. Like Shonee before him, David was once again all about revenge though this time, he was taking it back to his previous season and eliminating anyone that wronged him. And well, Harry was the last target remaining. Knowing this, Harry appealed to Lee and Zach to try and get them to flip to the Vakama side and take control. After suffering through last season’s final immunity challenge again, Harry was once again bested, this time by Brooke. At tribal council, he worked hard to appeal to the boys’ need to play a better game this time around, however they chose to stick with their alliance for the time being and sent Harry from the game.

The next day Shonee was feeling completely isolated as the last rascal standing, though was glad to still have two friends in Brooke and AK. But Shonee being Shonee, she didn’t rest on her laurels and got to work making new friends with all the oldies that she has nothing in common with. She and Jacs spoke about their Sunday morning routines before she stumbled upon the fact that she and Tarzan are both from Toowoomba. And just like that, our queen has another bestie.

Speaking of Tarzan, he was busy collecting water with Lee who was thrilled to once again be edging closer to the end of the game. We then saw a clip of him in the final two when his family came out before the votes were read and I know where this is going, so I freely admit to being sick with dread.

Before we got to the tragedy, Jonathan returned for the reward challenge which is honestly a horrible pivot. The tribe would be split into two groups and face off one at a time, slide down a slide into a mud pit, wrestle for a ball and then shoot said ball into a basket. It was for a BBQ, so everyone was obviously thrilled. But honestly, Shonee cried over a sandy, so I assume their standards have dropped a bit. David and Tarzan were the first to face off, with David scoring the first point for himself, Brooke, Sharn, Zach and Moana. Which honestly seems pretty unfair. Sharn extended the lead with a huge over-the-shoulder shot while Jacqui wrestled her. Lee closed the gap slightly with a victory over Zach before Brooke defeated Shonee and extended the lead again. Up next, David scored another point for his team before AK even realised what had happened. Oh and then Moana put her footballing career to use, destroying Jacqui and securing reward for herself, Sharn, Brooke, David and Zach.

At reward the victors were thrilled to discover a tonne of food and drink before Zach worked to steal my heart, stripping off at reward and flashing his butt as he scrubbed away with mud. They joyously smashed food and returned for seconds before discovering letters from home. Sharn got a sweet acrostic poem from her kids before Moana broke down over a letter from her sister Vinny who she is the full time carer for, who drew their entire family and a letter from her wife, who she married just before playing the game. Zach’s sweet streak continued as he sobbed over his letter from his fellow animal sanctuary lover. Brooke meanwhile was thrilled to get to learn a bit about her tribemates, hoping it may give her a chance to find an in. We then learnt that David wears a flower in his hair at challenges for his daughter and that he is playing the game so that he can afford to move back home to live closer to his sons. And hot damn, I am now crying and do not even mind if David walks his way to the end.

Back at camp Tarzan, Lee and AK were washing the mud off and cleaning their clothes, with Tarzan and Lee nuding up and washing each other’s back. The joyous portion of the game however was interrupted as Lee was summoned off camera by a producer where he learnt that his mother had suffered a massive stroke and was unlikely to survive. Tarzan found him in the jungle where Lee broke down in his arms as he told him what happened before announcing that he would be leaving the game. Tarzan and Jacqui took him back to camp where he told Shonee and AK what happened before the victors were brought back to camp to say goodbye. The tribe huddled around him, hugging each other and sobbing over his pain and honestly, this is the most beautiful thing that I have ever seen on Survivor. Even more than Deitz’s son in Second Chances.

Tragically his mother Beth passed away by the time he had made it to the Fijian airport, so I’m going to drop any pretenses of catching up.

Lee came into his second season a changed man, sure he was still a loyal provider, but he was also ready to play the game this time and I was loving watching where it was going. Hopefully he gets another shot to show off his growth, but in the meantime, we should all whip up a Leemon & Porckarseldine Pasta in honour of him being an all around nice guy.

The whack of lemon punches through the saltiness of the pork, leaving you a smooth, creamy bowl of comfort. Plus the broccolini and a little bit of chili join the fun to make it even better.

Enjoy!

Leemon & Porkarseldine Pasta
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
1 tbsp extra virgin olive oil
500g Italian pork sausages
2 leeks, trimmed, washed and sliced
4 garlic cloves, crushed
1 tsp chili flakes
2L chicken stock
500g penne
1 bunch broccolini, trimmed, cut into thirds
300ml cream for cooking
1 lemon, zested and juiced
⅓ cup grated parmesan, plus more to serve
torn basil leaves, to garnish

Method
Heat the oil in a large skillet over medium heat and squeeze the sausage meat out of the casings to create a series of small meatballs. Cook, stirring, for five minutes or until browned. Add the leek to the pan and cook for a further few minutes or until softened. Add the garlic and chili and cook for a further minute to take the edge off.

Add the stock and bring to the boil before adding the stock, reducing to a simmer and cooking for about 15 minutes or until tender and the stock has reduced. Add the broccolini and cook for a few minutes or until the broccolini is cooked through.

Reduce heat to low, tir in the cream, lemon zest and juice and the parmesan with a good whack of better and salt if you need. Cook until the sauce thickens up, about five minutes, before serving with some parmesan and basil.

Then devour.

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Serirachacha Mayo

Condiment, RuPaul's Drag Race, RuPaul's Drag Race 5, Sauce, TV, TV Recap

Previously on RuPaul’s Drag Race Yvie Oddly bent, snapped and contorted her way to victory, this time without any butterflies being massacred at the finale. Oh and if we’re talking about UK, well the entire cast dominated and reinvigorated my little gay heart, delivering one of the greatest seasons of all time. While I sound like Kanye cutting off TayTay, The Vivienne, Baga and Divina all dominated and could have easily secured victory, despite the fact that I was thrilled that Viv took out the crown. Particularly over her nemesis, Cheryl Hole.

But enough is enough, let’s get on with this …

Kicking off season 12, we met Brita – not Filter – who is a loud, proud New Yorker with confidence to match her resume. Though she did say she goes from Maui to Moana, so I live. She was joined by Nicky Doll who is French, recently relocated to NYC and immediately my basement is flooded. Widow Von’du came in dressed like one of the crows from Moira Rose’s crow movie and told us to get rid of our gag reflexes. So I love her. Fourth in was Jackie Cox, Persian princess turn nerd turn me on. I mean, that confessional look has me moister than an oyster. And her nerdy jerks are cute. I live, I love – Jackie is life. Heidi N’ Closet did a whistle tone Xena entry and I love her. I mean, she looks like your grandfather’s third wife in drag and out could choke me in all the right ways. I mean, chickens do outnumber people in her hometown. Gigi Goode served Christopher Columbus chic and I live. Again, boy Gigi is also super hot or I am super horny. I don’t know. Crystal Methyd was next in serving Oz-It realness and I love her personality. I mean, accidentally spitting and laughing at your own jokes? We have so much in common.

Everyone was shocked by Ru arriving after only seven queens entered the competition before she explained that like season 6 before it, this season premiere would be split over two weeks and as such, only half would enter this week. And these seven would be kicking things off with a mini challenge where they would serve both a spring and fall runway look.

On the runway Ru, Michelle and Carson were joined by Raven and a faux Kimye – Mayhem and Kimora – to judge. While Brita looked beautiful, her reveal was nothing like Violet’s runway look. Nicky came out swinging, serving a beautiful flower look. Widow rocked some fluro neoprene, though in a good way. Which is a sentence I never thought I would say. Jackie served swinging 60s, Heidi wore a technicolour curtain before she ripped off her own wig on the way out the door. Gigi rocked pastel biker babe while Crystal looked like your cool aunt at her first same-sex wedding in Greece. For fall looks, Brita looked like an oil slick and well, wasn’t great. Nicky was chic in a tux, Widow gave a nude voluminous reveal, Jackie again looked like an extra on The Marvelous Mrs Maisel, Heidi was beige peacock stunning, Gigi Goode rocked Divina de Campo’s jockey look and Crystal was the love child of Freddy Kruger and a Lisa Rinna duster.

The queens went backstage to untuck where the queens were thrilled to see that Nicky is packing, Crystal and I have the same hair and more importantly, has a One Direction in Arabic. Oh and everyone has a boner for Jackie.

Before a winner was declared, Ru returned to announce that the mai challenge would require each queen to write a rap verse on the new single I’m That Bitch and perform it live on the mainstage. In front of my iconic friend, Nicki Minaj.

The queens split up to write their verses with Widow, Crystal and Brita at one table, and Jackie, Nicky, Heidi and Gigi on the other. While Jackie was shitting herself about writing a rap, Brita was confident thanks to her Broadway career. They alll joined together to discuss the choreography, with Heidi and Widow put in charge, filling the latter with terror as being in charge puts a target on your back. The girls visited the mainstage to work on the choreography, with Gigi terrified given she is a terrible dancer while Brita quickly grew tired of Widow’s one movement. Jackie joined the frey, driving Widow insane given they asked her to lead them. Everyone started to talk over each other, desperate to get their moment to shine and honestly, it became a mess. As it reached peak mess, Nicky requested that one person take charge and lead them, with Heidi offering to take control. Which made Widow furious.

Elimination Day rolled around and Heidi announced that last night she had an allergic reaction to something and spent the night in the ED, making her nervous since she is a dance queen, yet hasn’t had a chance to rehearse. Nicky and Jackie spoke about their backgrounds, with Jackie sharing that she doesn’t know any other queer people of Persian descent, though she hoped that giving visibility to it, may help others. Brita admitted to being stressed about the choreography the day before. She checked in with Widow to see if she was annoyed about it and while Widow was totally pissed, she shared that she does not care given she is going to slay.

On the mainstage Widow well and truly slayed her part, while Brita kinda missed her own lyrics. Crystal looked like a demented leopard in the best way possible, Gigi looked a mess, though her performance was amazing, Heidi slayed the dancing like the second coming of ChiChi DeVayne, Jackie went the comedy route to great success and Nicky was amazing, though maybe I’m in love? On the Sparkle Runway, Brita was frosted from tip to toe, Crystal served cartoon devil on the shoulder, Gigi was a shimmering Whacky Racer, Heidi was stunning as a 50s era diva, Jackie was I Dream of Jeannie in the boudoir, Nicky was stunning despite the feathers and Widow went sexy Star Trek chic.

Brita received universal praise for her looks, though her lyrics fell flat. Crystal too received universal praise for her looks and their comedic flair, her lyrics were great though her Michelle was worried she would be stuck being costumey. Gigi was called out for her passion for helmets, despite getting a lot of love for her looks. And Nicki loved her killer lyrics, so they were happy to look the other way. Heidi’s personality did all the talking, earning the judges hearts and made them ignore most of her errors. Namely, her hair and make-up on the mainstage. We also learnt that she is allergic to kale, which is what almost killed her. And I live. The judges loved everything that Jackie did and how open she is about herself, despite the fact her five o’clock shadow is super strong and may be her undoing. Nicky too received universal praise for the looks despite struggling on the mainstage. Though Nicki love her given she was her namesake. Oh and then the judges gushed over everything Widow did this week.

Ultimately Brita, Jackie, Crystal, Nicky and Heidi were sent to safety, leaving Gigi and Widow to think they were in the bottom two. But psyche, Ru informed them that they are actually the top two of this week’s challenge and as such, will be lip syncing for their legacy … as nobody will be going home because of the split premiere. Both queens gave it their all lip syncing to Starships but let’s be honest, this was always Widow’s lip sync to lose. While Gigi gave a surprisingly killer comedy performance, Widow slammed herself all over the stage and well and truly earnt her $5,000 tip. As I said to my frenemy Serena ChaCha, who I invited over to watch the premiere with me.

Mainly so I could reiterate how she should have been the first boot of season 5.

While that may have been true, Serena was pretty heartbroken that I straight up said it, assuming that I had invited her over to finally put an end to our feud. You see, we attended art school together – did you know she went to art school?! – until I was brutally expelled … after she ratted me out for stealing all of his pieces and submitting them as my own. While I was obviously in the wrong, I was furious and couldn’t believe that someone would have the gall to call me out for my shitty ways. And as such, I paid off the producers to give her as horrible an edit as possible.

Seeing her crying when I was so cruel after the episode however, made me feel this strange emotion. I think it is known as guilt? As such, I pulled her in for a hug, apologised for making her the villain in our shared story and then, even more out of character, vowed to make it right for her. My Serirachacha Mayo being the first peace offering in our journey to renewed friendship.

Like Serena, this little number is bold, loud and spices up even the most boring of moments. Oh my God, do I actually have a soft spot for her?

Enjoy!

Serirachacha Mayo
Makes: 1 cup.

Ingredients
1 garlic clove, finely grated
¾ cup Shayonnaise Swain
¼ cup Sriracha
1 lemon, zested and juiced
pinch of kosher salt

Method
Place everything in a bowl.

Stir.

Store. Or, you know, devour.

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