Condiment

Vinegarette Strokes

Condiment, RuPaul's Drag Race UK, RuPaul's Drag Race UK 1, Sauce, TV, TV Recap

Previously on RuPaul’s Drag Race UK the queens were tasked with starring in a sumptuous costume drama which was much betta than an acting challenge in the UK. Downtown Draggy led to a couple of killer performances as Baga slayed her way to victory ahead of Divina. Sum Ting lucked out by being on the winning team, while Blu was a little bit beige and Scaredy Kat was one note, landing them in the bottom on the losing team. With the latter sashaying away from the competition.

The queens returned to the Werk Room to discover Scaredy’s shady ageist mirror message, though praised how brave she was for coming into the competition as such a newbie. Everyone congratulated Blu on her killer performance, before she shared that lip syncing has lit a fire in her belly and she is ready to show everyone what she is made of. Talk turned to Baga’s killer performance before Cheryl checked in with everyone to see who they thought was the best Bond girl, with Vinegar, for some reason, thinking it was her. Before anyone could smack her down, Blu and Crystal checked if Cheryl was ok after everyone called her fake, with her admitting that she feels like she is being kicked while she is down. Though plans to shit on everyone. I assume not literally, but who knows.

The next day Ru arrived to test the girls skills on the pole, with a maypole quick-drag mini challenge. As the queens cobbled together chaste, country outfits, Baga looked like Vinegar’s Bond Girl look – aka a librarian – as they commenced skipping around the maypole, until Divina’s dance break saw her pound the puss straight into the floor. She was followed by The Vivienne twerking, Crystal going balls to the pole – literally – with some pole dancing, Baga went crab walking, Blu was terrifying in the best way possible, Sum Ting channelled a sumo, Vinegar served tatas and the Cheryl deathdropped and owned the room like the second coming of Alyssa Edwards. Which is particularly awkward given last week. Rightly Chez took out victory, which gave her an advantage heading into the main challenge – designing a high fashion look made out of junk. FROM RAVEN’S TRUNK.

As the Brit Crew – swoon – wheeled out Raven on the boot of her car, Ru explained that they would loot the car to create their looks. And as the winner of the mini challenge, Cheryl had 15 seconds to grab stuff before the other girls joined in. Cheryl grabbed a bucket of gloves, before the remaining queens jumped in and tore the car to shreds. I mean, they were literally pulling the fabric off the chairs. Once the car was torched, talk turned to who was feeling confident with Crystal acknowledging that she studied costume design at uni. Divina too was feeling confident, and opting to do corsetry with some laundry bags. Sum Ting ripped up her own jacket to use as a pattern, while Vinegar was modelling her look on a toothbrush. Which made The Vivienne desperately try to hide her laughter. Vinegar admitted that she has all of her costumes designed for her, so was feeling very nervous. On the flipside, Blu was confident in her sewing skills while Cheryl was trying to hide that she has no idea what she is doing with a glue gun. The Vivienne was going to drape videotapes, which sounded terrible, however she was far more concerned with how Sum Ting was going to pull off tailoring on her first try.

Ru made her triumphant ru-turn to check in with the queens, with Divina charged for victory after her breakdown the previous episode. Ru told her not to be so hard on herself, given she slayed the previous challenge. Baga shared her look would be scrubber chic made head to toe of steel wool, before talking about her passion for car boot sales. Cheryl was using rubber gloves as the basis of her skirt before Vinegar outlined her inspirations were toilet seats and toothbrushes. Ru explained that her looks have been a bit hodge podge and she needs to bring a little bit more glamazon.

Crystal shared that she was nervous that her degree would make herself be judged more harshly, while Blu was feeling the pressure to do Ireland proud and threw some light shade at Ru. The Vivienne was far nicer to the head judge, though given Ru heaped her with praise for turning looks every chance she got, of course she would be. The Vivienne explained the differences between UK and US drag, supporting Charlie’s claims that UK queens sing live. And well, Ru thinks that there is going to be something wrong with Sum Ting Wong’s look.

With Ru gone the queens discussed his feedback, with Vinegar mildly offended to be called hodge podge however she was humble enough to ask Crystal for feedback. And feedback she gave, telling her that her looks have been terrible and the one she is putting together is shite and she should probably start from scratch. In a far nicer way. On the other side of the room, Baga and The Vivienne went Thelma & Louise in the car while Divina thought it would be easier to just help Vinegar pack rather than finishing her outfit.

Elimination Day rolled around and Crystal was full of confidence, while Divina couldn’t stop laughing about Vinegar’s outfit. While everyone started to get ready, Vinegar tore up a book to make a new dress before Sum Ting shared that she would be lost without her in the competition, breaking down and hugging in a touching moment of friendship. Honestly. Divina and Blu spoke about the former’s start in drag, with them realising that Blu was in primary school when she started. Divina explained that the internet wasn’t really a thing and there were no make-up tutorials and hot damn, I feel old. The Vivienne, Crystal and Baga discussed Sum Ting’s beige looking outfit, not selling fashion or car boot sale. Everyone then looked at Cheryl’s outfit, realising it is glove fingers glued to bin bags and while she knew it wasn’t the most fashionable moment, it was very Cheryl. Oh and Divina is sick of Baga and The Vivienne’s confidence as it borders on smug.

Ru, Michelle and Graham were joined by Dame Twiggy on the judging panel, with Divina opening the runway slaying as the love child of David Bowie and Vivienne Westwood. Baga’s steel wool look was a bit of a mess, but her charm sold it well. Blu looked like a technicolour baby Chad Michaels in All Stars, Sum Ting channeled Vinegar’s Bond Girl look, The Vivienne was fierce, Vinegar was, I hate to say, just a bloody mess while Cheryl was a fingerbanging bumblebee and Crystal slayed as a work of art goddess. Baga was shocked that three outfits were worse than hers, going to safety with Blu while the rest of the girls were critiqued.

Divina received universal praise for a killer concept that was executed to perfection, Sum Ting was read for filth for a bland look, despite being able to articulate the concept well. The judges ate up everything The Vivienne did, with Michelle appreciating the way she put her own stamp on a look that has been done multiple times. Vinegar was read for filth, though charmed the judges through the process. Cheryl’s performance was praised, despite the fact her outfit was pretty terrible and led to Michelle calling out the girls for not learning to sew before coming into the competition. And then Crystal, obviously, received universal praise.

Backstage Baga was shocked to be safe and praised Blu for killing the competition. The other girls arrived and Vinegar was heartbroken to likely be lip syncing against her best friend. Or you know, Cheryl, the likely lip sync assassin. The Vivienne told Sum Ting she should have taken the other girls advice, which pissed off Sum Ting who was happy to potentially go home, given she loves the outfit. Talk turned to Michelle reading them for being unable to sew, with Cheryl pointing out that that isn’t what she does. The Vivienne agreed that she doesn’t sew either, but she learnt because she knew that she would need to. Somehow Vinegar thought she could read Cheryl’s look too, which was a mood. Particularly since Cheryl was selling her outfit to even her worst critics.

Ultimately Divina was crowned the winner of this week’s challenge for being more fashion than Crystal’s, while Vinegar Strokes was joined in the bottom by Sum Ting Wong. Shocking everyone, including Cheryl. It was the battle of the boleros as the besties lip synced to The Eurythmics’ Would I Lie to You. Despite being up against a West End performer, Sum Ting hit every syllable and owned the lip sync from the very first bar and saved herself, while Vinegar sashayed away.

As you can imagine, I am a dear friend of the total slag that is Vinegar, so I was gutted to see her go so soon. But damn did I enjoy reading her for filth with some casual shade. We laughed, we cried and wondered if maybe she would finally take a bigger role in Jamie before I surprised her with a cooling cup of Vinegarette Strokes.

Sure, a vinaigrette isn’t something you would usually want to chug however it is a bit of a backstage tradition that we started treading the boards together in the west end. Plus, when it taste this good, it really could double as an oily cocktail. Health advice be damned.

Enjoy!

Vinegarette Strokes
Makes: 2(ish) cups.

Ingredients
1 cup freshly squeezed lemon juice
⅓ cup honey
2 tbsp Dijon mustard
½ cup extra virgin olive oil
2 shallots, finely sliced
1 garlic clove, minced
1 tbsp thyme leaves
2 tsp rosemary leaves, roughly chopped
salt and pepper, to taste

Method
Place everything in a mason jar like a cool hipster, add a good whack of salt and pepper and shake to combine.

Then down if you’re brave or pour over a fresh garden salad if you’re normal.


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Christina Applegate Sauce

Condiment, Emmy Gold, Emmy Gold: Golden Family, Sauce

As you know, most of my time celebrating an Award Show is dedicated to finding someone that will take me as their plus one when the relevant academy chooses yet again, not to invite me. So since my dear Christina Applegate is nominated again this year and co-starred opposite Ed O’Neil, I couldn’t go past kicking off this year’s celebration with her.

I’ve known Chris for decades, after meeting on the set of Married. While I was employed as part of Kate’s entourage, I was drawn to Chris due to our similar sense of humour and we quickly developed a strong, unbreakable bond.

Given how busy she is, I haven’t caught up with Christina in close to 12 months, so it was such a joy to swing by her pad and toast her success on Dead to Me. While she wouldn’t give away any spoilers on season 2, she did assure me that should Linda agree to end her feud with me she could find a way to work me in to the season.

And I assume, finally get me my elusive first Emmy nomination.

Speaking of Emmy nominees, we sat down to run the odds in the Comedy Game. Despite both loving her performance in Dead to Me, we agreed that JLD will take Best Actress despite Catherine O’Hara deserving it. Best Actor she thinks will go to Bill Hader, while I think Ted Danson will make his triumphant return to the stage. While I am hopeful Anna Chlumsky will finally take out an Emmy for her role in Veep, Chris thinks it will go to Olivia Colman. When both obviously agree that Henry Winkler will take out Best Supporting Actor once again.

With that I wished her luck and toasted to her ongoing success with a big pot of sweet, spiced Christina Applegate Sauce.

 

 

While most people would argue that apple sauce is apple sauce and it isn’t anything special, I urge you to try this and then try to go back to store bought. Because you can’t. Lightly spiced with a caramelly hint, this smooth sauce is the perfect accompaniment to a big, salty slab of pork. Or great to shot.

Enjoy!

 

 

Christina Applegate Sauce
Serves: 1 saucy nominee and her inspiration.

Ingredients
5 granny smith apples, peeled and cored
1 lemon, zested and juiced
1 tbsp muscovado sugar
1 cinnamon quill

Method
Place everything in a saucepan with two tablespoons of water and bring to the boil. Reduce to a simmer, covered, and cook until apples are very soft. About ten minutes should be enough.

Remove the cinnamon quill and blitz the sauce until smooth and serve immediately.

 

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Sosie Bacon Jam

Condiment, Gravy, Sauce

Wellity wellity, look who is back for some Sunday sauciness! Wait, no, shit, like Patty Hogg, I’ve said too much, I’ve said too much. Let me backpedal, I was on the phone to my love Kev last weekend – it was Daddy’s day, after all – and my god-daughter Sosie yelled out to send her love and talk about how much she missed me.

After Kev and I were done letting each other know how much we love each other, I got him to put Sose on the line and told her to get out here and visit with me some time. Ten minutes later she told me the flights were booked and to get baking.

So obviously I have known Sosie for her entire life and as her godfather have always tried to help her out when she needed it. I then got her cast in the Scream TV show, in an HBO vehicle and opposite three of my boyfriends in 13 Reasons Why, so I think you would agree I’ve been quite successful.

I was feeling super nostalgic spending time with Sosie, so told her how proud I am of her ad nauseum. Before whipping her up a vat of Sosie Bacon Jam.

 

 

Sticky, sweet and with a gloriously salty kick, bacon jam is quite possibly one of my favourite things. Chuck it on a burger, a sandy, with some cheese, in a quiche, hell even a shoe Old Gregg style, I will eat it.

Enjoy!

 

 

Sosie Bacon Jam
Serves: 1-2 cups.

Ingredients
olive oil
500g streaky bacon, finely diced
1 onion, finely diced
5 garlic cloves, minced
⅓ cup bourbon
⅔ cup apple cider vinegar
¼ cup muscovado sugar
2 tbsp thyme leaves
salt and pepper, to taste

Method
Heat a small lug of olive oil in a large saucepan and cook the bacon over medium heat for about fifteen minutes, or until crispy, caramelised and straight up glorious. Add the onion and garlic and cook for a further couple of minutes.

Add the bourbon and cook the alcohol off for a minute before stirring through the apple cider, muscovado and thyme. Bring to a boil, reduce heat to low and leave to simmer, stirring semi-frequently, for 20 minutes, or until thick and sticky.

Season to taste and transfer to a sterilised jar. Or just eat with a spoon like a true member of the Bacon clan would.

It can keep for a week or so refrigerated, but I don’t think you’ll have any left over. Just sayin’.

 

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Mikey Gland Sauce

Condiment, Sauce, Survivor South Africa, Survivor South Africa: Island of Secrets, TV Recap

Previously on Survivor South Africa Mmaba was blindsided with an idol in her pocket which triggered Mike to realise that he was in fact on the outs, despite whatever Nicole and Rob had been telling him. Rob took the blame for the move and threw Steffi under the bus with him, since they already had targets firmly on their back anyway. The reward challenge was a game of reward roulette, with Steffi blocking Jacques’ trip to the Island of Secrets where she got to spend time with her friend, who thankfully pushed her to start playing the game for a change. After Mike took out a much needed immunity, the girls solidified their final three deal, while Rob tried to rally the boys to votes Steffi. Jacques tried to find an idol to save himself, which Laetitia snatched from under his nose, leading to him exiting the game.

The tribe were feeling relieved after tribal council except for Steffi, who was annoyed that someone – named Rob – orchestrated the other votes to go her way. This fired her up to finally take him out, trying to figure out how best to get Nicole on board with the blindside of their OG ally.

The next morning Rob approached a pensive ally by the shore to make sure that they were still good, explaining that he had to put all the votes on one target to ensure a correct idol play if necessary. While Steffi put on a happy face, she did not buy it for a second and had a much stronger resolve to boot him asap and make it to the final day. Their cold war was interrupted by the arrival of treemail announcing the reward challenge which is clearly a loved ones challenge. Wait, no, Nicole is still focusing on plotting, agreeing that sticking with the girls is her best bet and hot damn is Queen Laetitia wins, I stan.

Nico arrived for the combined reward and immunity challenge which would be completed in pairs, quickly wheeled out everyone’s loved ones to help them compete. Nicole’s boyfriend seemed super sweet as she broke down in his arms and introduced himself like the polite angel he is, Durao’s mum is a fucking icon and needs to compete on a Blood vs. Water season yesterday, Laetitia’s daughter came out dressed in matching outfits with her mum and solidified the icon’s winner edit. Steffi’s friend came back for a more low-key reunion as they pretended not to bond last episode, Rob’s mum is also BAE and needs to appear next season before Mike’s dad came out to hold his son as he sobbed in his arms.

With that out of the way, Nico announced that the loved ones would do the lion’s share of the challenge, untying a bunch of knots to open a box with a crate of sandbags and a key, which they use to unlock their tethered castaway before they come together to throw said sacks at a punch of idols, with the first to knock all of theirs down scoring immunity and a huge brai back at camp. Rob’s mum and Laetitia’s daughter got out to an early lead, with Steffi, Nicole and Durao’s loved ones close behind and Mike’s dad left, right out. Rob knocked an idol off before being joined by Laetitia, Nicole and Steffi. Eventually everyone arrived at the end, with Laetitia chucking her sandbags at Nico before Rob took out the win before anyone even got on the board. After handing over the necklace Nico announced that he and his mum could invite two other pairs to join him for the brai, while the rest of the castaways are sent to the Island of Secrets. Rob told everyone he was picking Laetitia because she is old and may die soon – no shit – before selecting Steffi because he is sick of her being hangry, immediately making Nicole break down.

Back at camp the victors proudly showed off the camp to their family before getting down to their BBQ and smashing some wines. They then toasted to their success, with Rob working the girls hard by praising them as the only reason they have stuck together. Steffi then came clean about her last trip to the Island of Secrets, pretending she just found out about the family visit early rather than getting to spend a day with her bestie. Rob started to feel nervous about leaving Nicole out of the reward given how distraught she was, despite knowing she was the best person to look after the boys and make sure they don’t try anything. Then Queen Laetitia told everyone that she found an immunity idol and hot damn, why did you do this Laetitia?

At the Island of Secrets Nicole had stopped crying long enough to discover that they would receive nothing and return to the game for tribal council. Nicole then shared her pain about missing her children with the boys, explaining how hard it was to miss out on reward and not get an update about how they are going. Mike tried to throw Rob under the bus, pointing out all his lies and wondering why he fed Steffi when he said that he was targeting her. Ever loyal Durao tried to deflect from his close friend’s lies, though Mike was undeterred, suggesting that they all load their votes on Steffi and stay strong together.

Back at camp Laetitia showed off her idol to her daughter, vowing that she will fight tooth and nail to get to the end. Laetitia, Steffi and their loved ones got together to strategise, after Steffi chastised her for sharing the news about the idol. Then they furthered the plot to get rid of Mike at the next tribal council, then use her idol to get rid of Rob at the following one with Laetitia completely unaware that that plot would have been far better if her idol was a secret. Rob meanwhile was catching up with his mum, assuring her that he is dominating the game and has everyone wrapped around his little finger.

We returned to the Island of Secrets where they were still speculating what would happen at tribal council, with Mike nervous about becoming the target while Durao tried to put out the fire and keep Rob safe. Which again, is stupid. Given it is pointless to try and pull Durao over to his side, Mike hoped he could get through to Nicole, unaware that she is just as blindly loyal and was catching up with Durao to make sure he doesn’t fall under Mike’s spell.

The two factions joined up at tribal council where Jacques learnt that he was moments away from the loved ones visit as Rob spoke about how hard a decision it was to select people to join him on reward. Acting ageist in the process, reminding everyone that Laetitia is going to die soon as she is 50. As Nicole started to quietly cry like Lisa Rinna after bunnygate, she spoke about how painful it was to miss out on the reward as a mother but said that her trip to the Island of Secrets gave her the resolve to push towards the end. Not before mentioning that Steffi getting selected because she is hungry pissing her off. Durao too was annoyed that Steffi’s hunger meant more to Rob than his. The Island of Secrets trio started to get delirious, laughing about how hungry they were and how it was stifling their cognitive abilities. Nicole did say that she has focused on who needs to be her target. Laetitia tried to give her a pep talk, though admitted that fierce Nicole is somebody who scares her.

Nicole said that she can’t win, as she is either tough and people target her for making a move or she is weak and everyone thinks she is riding coattails. Laetitia clarified that she admires Nicole, all while Rob looked like her was about to throw up. Rob spoke about building trust from day one, which made Durao nervous given he and Rob started on different tribes. Growing more anxious Rob asked Nicole if anything went down at Island of Secrets and whether he should be worried, with her assuring him that he should trust her. She then sat on her rage for a hot second before exploding on him, in her way, telling him that today was one of the worst days of her life and she is pissed that he has the hide to question her publicly. He tried to backpedal and say that he was about to share the plan with her, but honestly, the damage with the jury could already be done.

He tried to calm her down and then openly said that the plan is to vote for Mike, as he knows that Mike has been trying to blindside him for a week. They fistbumped before Mike interjected that they are all aware of how strongly he was playing, and getting rid of Rob was the only way to win. Durao denied telling Rob the truth, with Nicole announcing it was her. This made Durao ropeable as he finally realised that if Mike goes, he will be next before debating whether Nicole or Laetitia will land in fourth. They then bantered back and forth and honestly it was hilarious, as Durao struggled to figure out just how few numbers he had on his side. Laetitia assured them it was too late to turn to her, before Rob reassured Nicole he only did the welfare check as he wasn’t sure if something exploded on the Island of Secrets and whether he should change his vote. With that the tribe voted as Durao and Mike bickered over the fact Mike knew it actually was him that told Rob about his blindside plan … before poor Mike’s fate was confirmed and he was booted from the game.

While it took me a hot minute to warm to Mike, the fact that he got extremely island hot had me pulling him into my arms as soon as he left the island. He was disappointed to find himself booted from the game but thankfully wasn’t shocked to find himself booted by the amigos. I chastised him for not rallying Cobus and Dante to take control early and avoid a boring post-merge – and not letting me watch them a little while longer. So despite my disappointment, I pulled him into the dining room and sprayed him with a fresh batch of Mikey Gland Sauce on our meat.

Don’t be scared this isn’t as sexual as it sounds, nor does Monkey Gland Sauce feature any monkey – despite what I originally thought – we were putting sauce on leftover boerewors. Which in retrospect are totally off by now and will give us the runs. Not that we could tell though, as the sweet and sour sauce could make anything taste good. Anything.

Enjoy!

Mikey Gland Sauce
Makes: 1-2 cups.

Ingredients
olive oil
1 onion, diced
4 garlic cloves, minced
1 tbsp ginger, minced
⅓ cup port
⅓ cup chicken stock
½ cup Joe Manngo Chutney
½ cup tomato paste
¼ cup ketchup
2 tbsp dijon mustard
2 tbsp Worcestershire sauce
1 tbsp soy sauce
salt and pepper, to taste

Method
Place a good lug of oil in a large saucepan over medium heat and sweat the onion, garlic and ginger for five minutes, or until sweet and fragrant. Add everything else, bring to the boil, reduce heat to low and simmer for an hour, or until thick and sweet.

Either guzzle immediately on meats or transfer to a sterilized container and keep for a couple of weeks.


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Michelle Branch Dressing ready to be guzzled down by Michelle Branch

Michelle Branch Dressing

Condiment, Dip, Sauce

It really is true what they say about when it rains, it pours – not the famous Survivor challenge which Shi-Ann won in All Stars, upsetting the apple cart – as no sooner had Keke Palmer left my apartment, was my phone ringing again with Michelle Branch inviting herself over to join the fun.

While I am ashamed to admit that I oft get her and my other friend Vanessa Carlton mixed up, I was happy to oblige and welcome her to this ‘ere patch of cyberspace.

I first met Michelle almost two decades ago when she did a set visit to American Pie 2 to sell her hit song Everywhere. While my dearest Tara and Eugene weren’t sold on it fitting the narrative flow of the movie, I soon convinced them it would work perfectly during the scene where Jason Biggs superglues his hand to his dick.

And the rest, as they also say, is history.

Given I am the one that pushed to get her big break, Michelle trusted my judgement and agreed to fall under my tutelage. That lent to a couple of more singles, a Grammy winning collab with Santana and you could say, I was successful.

We tragically haven’t caught up in the last few years, given she has been busy with a wee bebe at home, so it was a treat to catch up, share a few laughs and jug vats of Michelle Branch Dressing. Which is weird but totally our thing, you know.

 

Michelle Branch waiting to chug Michelle Branch Dressing

 

A little sweet, kinda tart and silky smooth, ranch is the perfect accompaniment to any salad, hot wings or anything spicy, TBH. Or, you can drink it like nectar. No judgement.

Enjoy!

 

Michelle Branch mid chug of her Michelle Branch Dressing

 

Michelle Branch Dressing
Makes: 1 cup.

Ingredients
⅔ cup Shayonnaise Swain
¼ cup buttermilk
2 tbsp champagne vinegar
3 garlic cloves, crushed
1 tbsp chives, thinly sliced
½ tsp paprika
salt and pepper, to taste

Method
Place everything in a jar. Shake well. And down.

Or refrigerate until ready to serve with something else. Though it doesn’t really need it, you know.

 

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Perslix Blatjangodlo

Condiment, Preserve, Sauce, Survivor South Africa, Survivor South Africa: Island of Secrets, TV, TV Recap

Previously on Survivor South Africa Nico asked everyone to drop their buffs, when he knows full well I’d rather most of the men get in the buff. But alas, new Ta’alo was an even split of the three OG tribes, while Cobus was ridin’ solo at Sa’ula and Seipei was alone at Laumei, until her new BFF Tania joined the tribe, and made Rose-Lee and Durao public enemies one and two. After winning the immunity challenge Rob and Nicole convinced their new tribemates to exile Seipei and save her from the upcoming tribal council, leading to poor Rose getting booted from the game and Seipei unsure where she will now stand in her tribe.

Back at camp the tribe lamented Rose’s departure while Durao thanked them for keeping him around before low key reminding them that he is strong and as such, they need him if they want to avoid going back to tribal council. Since the other tribes are absolutely stacked.

Forgoing any other camp chat, Nico returned for this week’s reward challenge where the tribes would have to match pairs of tiles, with the first tribe reaching seven taking out victory. In the form of smoothies and supplements. More importantly they kept focusing on Dante’s package during the explanation and challenge and again, I am moister than an oyster. Obvi this challenge is hella boring, but let’s just say Queen Seipei dominated while Rob and Nathan sat out and did some cross tribal strategising, with Nathan pondering throwing immunity to gain control of his tribe. In any event Sa’ula won, Laumei came in second and Geoffrey was sent to the Island of Secrets while Rocco served a glorious nip slip-glasses combo.

I mean, this cast makes me bloody swoon.

The victors arrived at the smoothie bar, overwhelmed by the wellness and oddly not v. impressed by the wings? Thankfully Meryl kept things interesting, focusing instead on looking for a hidden advantage whilst everyone smashed smoothies. Try as she might though, she couldn’t get rid of her tribemates long enough to snatch the advantage. Eventually she resorted to looping in Dante so that she could run interference long enough for him to snatch the package. Isn’t the visual of Dante snatching a package all you could ever wish for? Oh and he was successful, obvs.

Back at Laumei the mood was mildly less jubilant as they split their fruit platter and Tania explained how best to eat fruit. Thankfully Queen Seipei continued to be the best, with everyone looking to her for support and guidance, despite her not wanting to play the role of camp mum. Even if it was something that she hoped could protect her for a while. Jacques, meanwhile, approached Durao to discuss aligning and while the latter didn’t really trust the former, he had no other option, so agreed and commenced trash talking Felix for being a total grumpy buzz kill. And just like that, the boys had a new target.

Over at the Island of Secrets Geoffrey was struggling to remember his tribemates’ names before discovering a dilemma to either snatch a jar of lollies for himself or a box of dry firewood. Like Jericho and Luke before him, he snatched the lollies and spent the rest of the day buzzing off a sugar high.

The next morning Meryl lived out my fantasy and woke up with Dante and went walking through the jungle … to read their clue, discovering that their potential hidden immunity idol will be hidden at the upcoming challenge. And just like that, I have Sharn PTSD and I can’t stop laughing through the desire to vomit for her embarrassment. We returned to Ta’alo where Geoffrey returned and told them extremely quickly that he had three options, the fake one being a personal advantage, before pulling the lollies out and hoping it would be enough to woo people to his side. As they were about to head off to the immunity challenge, Nathan pulled Steffi aside to float the idea of throwing the challenge in the hopes of getting rid of Mmaba. Which she was very much against, given she is super competitive.

At said challenge we learnt the tribes would have to swim out to a structure, climb up it, jump off and retrieve a bag, swim back and repeat until they were done. Then they would use the puzzle pieces within the bags to solve a series of slide puzzles, with the last one to finish going to tribal council. Ta’alo got out to an early lead while Laumei followed closely behind and Mmaba unintentionally played into Nathan’s plan, keeping the tribe well and truly behind the rest. Sa’ula and Laumei were on their final puzzle boards before Nathan made his way back to shore, before Meryl snatched victory for her tribe and the immunity idol for herself, while Jacques completely blew Laumei’s lead and despite his attempt to lose, Nathan secured victory for Ta’alo.

We followed Ta’alo back after the immunity challenge where Meryl was coming clean about having found a hidden immunity idol, worried that somebody spotted her grabbing it. While Rob thought it was a stupid idea to share the information, he was hopeful it meant that she is trustworthy rather than trying to display her growing power. Mwahahaha.

Back at Laumei Felix further highlighted his negative attitude, bossing the boys around as Seipei and Tania went for a walk to rant about Jacques blowing the challenge, while Felix made snide remarks about them losing. As the ladies locked in their votes for Felix, he continued to annoy Durao and Jacques without realising that he was only making the situation worse for himself. The four got together and confirmed Felix would be going home and agreed to gaslight him and pretend Durao is going home instead. Durao and Jacques then decided to add insult to injury and humiliate Felix with a fake idol on the way out, only for said fake idol to wash out of Durao pants when he went swimming. Though thankfully it drew attention to his crotch, which is always a win.

With that we arrived at tribal council assuming it would be a foregone conclusion, as Felix displayed extreme confidence while Durao continued to pretend that he is the one in trouble. Tania agreed that she will be sticking with tribal lines and today was all the more peaceful for it, Seipei hoped that she had done enough to save herself and Jacques admitted that he was embarrassed by his performance in the challenge. Oh and the blindside did come into fruition as Felix’s smug grin at Durao’s lack of idol play was quickly wiped from his face as he realised that everyone had turned on him and they were thrilled to see him go.

While Felix wasn’t thrilled to be blindsided so soon, he took it far better than his attitude would have you believe. I pulled him in for a hug and quickly distracted him, nervous about his reaction, so reminded him that people that go home after the swap, generally do so because they are a massive threat to everyone, which made him feel chipper in no time. But honestly, how could you be angry after smashing a vat of Perslix Blatjangodlo.

The name may be confusing to anyone like me that doesn’t speak Afrikaans, but this peach jam – aka perske blatjang – is so good, you won’t even care how clunky it is. Despite firmly being a chutney, this sweet and spicy sauce is the ultimate thing to smear on a sandie.

Enjoy!

Perslix Blatjangodlo
Serves: 4-6.

Ingredients
2 tbsp olive oil
1 onion, diced
4 garlic cloves, crushed
2cm piece of ginger, peeled and minced
2 tsp curry powder
½ tsp chilli flakes
½ tsp mixed spice
3 yellow peaches, peeled, destoned and diced
⅔ cup raw caster sugar
½ cup apple cider vinegar

Method
Heat the oil in a saucepan over medium heat, and cook the onion, garlic, ginger, curry powder, chilli flakes and mixed spice for five minutes, or until the onion is soft and sweet. Add the peach, sugar and vinegar, and stir until the sugar dissolves. Bring to the boil, reduce to low and simmer for half an hour, or until it is thick like chutney. 

Season to taste and allow to cool slightly before devouring on a sandwich. Or decanting into a sterilized jar.


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Capreese Dip Witherspoon

Dip, Oscar Gold, Oscar Gold XCI: Call Me By Your Gold, Snack, Vegetarian

I don’t want to make this year’s Oscar Gold celebration – Call Me By Your Gold – about A Star is Born but to be honest, it and Bohemian Rhapsody did inspire me to reach out to today’s guest. Eternally delightful, America’s Sweetheart and Oscar winning musical performer Reese Witherspoon.

I’ve known Reese since the mid-90s after meeting on the set of Fear – I was dating Markie Mark at the time – but it wasn’t until a few years later that our friendship blossomed. I went from introducing her to my fluffee Ryan Phillippe on the Cruel Intentions set before helping her to play a character based off my high school years in a little known movie called Election.

Given one gave her her two eldest children and the other launched her into serious actress category, it goes without saying she is grateful for my love and support.

While we’ve tragically been separated by our busy schedules, it was such a treat to be able to get together and honour the Oscars and catch-up. Given her star turn in Monsters vs. Aliens, I kicked off running the odds with Best Animated Feature which Reese thinks will surprise for Incredibles 2 while I can’t go past Spider-Man: Into the Spider-verse as much as my puppy thinks Isle of Dogs has it in the bag. When it comes to lead performances we agree that my dearest Rami Malek needs to win Best Actor if there’s any justice in the world, while we’re both backing Glenn Close for being an icon, I believe that Melissa McCarthy is the truly deserving person in the category. Sorry Gaga.

We may not have agreed much on victors this date, but there was no denying how glorious the piping hot Capreese Dip Witherspoon was.

 

 

Gooey and sweet, this is quite possibly one of my favourite warm dips. I mean take a salad that proves you can make friends with salad, then chuck it in the oven and spread it on crackers? Iconic.

Enjoy!

 

 

Capreese Dip Witherspoon
Serves: 2 chatty friends. Or 6 reg peeps, I guess?

Ingredients
200g bocconcini, drained
200g roma tomatoes, roughly chopped
½ cup grated mozzarella
⅓ cup basil, roughly chopped, plus extra to serve
3 garlic cloves, minced
1 tbsp olive oil

Method
Preheat an oven to 180C.

Combine everything in a large bowl and transfer into a baking dish. Place in the oven and cook for twenty minutes, or until bubbly and hot.

Devour, with plenty of crackers.

 

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Lady Gaugamole

Condiment, Dip, Grammy Gold, Grammy Gold: Somebody That I Used to Gold, Vegetarian

Despite the fact that she is slaying the award season game with her film debut, my dear friend Lady Gaga will always be the scrappy little recording artist that could. While I irrationally hated Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta from the first moment I saw her, I am so grateful that Tony Bennett was able to talk sense into me and allow the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

I mean, 100 of my fellow celebrities had told me that I would love Gaga’s sweet, creative soul but it took just one to get through to me and for that, I will always be grateful to Tone.

But enough about Tone, this is about thrice Academy and Emmy Award nominated, six time Grammy winning and my dear friend, Gaga. As I said, my own stupidity kept me from years of friendship with Ga – as only her best friends call her – and while that often wakes me in a cold sweat, I am glad at how quickly we developed the beautiful friendship we have.

Given she is busy residenc-ing and attendee literally every single award show on the planet, I decided to swing by for a post Oscar-nominees luncheon date and, you guessed it, run the odds for the Grammys.

Given she has made a splash in the film world I bequeathed her the honour of helping me pick who will take out Best Music Film and while I see merits in Whitney winning like Ga thinks, I can’t go past Quincy. While I am a dear friend of both Jay and Bey, neither of us can see them beating Childish Gambino’s This Is America.

Obviously I couldn’t bet against Gaga for Best Pop Solo Performance or Best Pop Duo/Group Performance, so we focused on me betting the house on Tony Bennett and Diana Krall’s Love Is Here to Stay for BEst Traditional Pop Vocal Album – though Babs is my most likely spoiler – and my love for Kelly Clarkson isn’t enough to make me bet against Camila Cabello’s creatively titled Camila taking out Best Pop Vocal Album.

While running all those odds can be hungry work, I know that the Academy serves calorie rich food at the nominees luncheon – checky during awards season, no? – so I opted to keep it light with a delicious Lady Gaugamole.

 

 

Nobody loves avocados more than I – excluding Queer Eye’s Antony, obviously – however I had never tasted guac perfection until I encountered Chipotle. Oh Chipotle, how I love you so! The spicy, glorious guac bursting from a burrito and washed down with some Pibb Extreme is my idea of heaven. But this is not an add, focus on their guac – fresh and zingy, it is perfect all by itself.

Enjoy!

 

 

Lady Gaugamole
Serves: 4.

Ingredients
2 ripe avocados
1 lime, zested and juiced
2 tbsp coriander
1 red onion, finely diced
1 jalapeño, roughly chopped
¼ tsp kosher salt
Tortea Leoni Chips, to serve

Method
Cut the avocados in half, remove the pit and mash the flesh.

Fold through the remaining ingredients.

Devour, with a big bowl of Tortea Leoni Chips.

 

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Carole Radtzikiwill

Condiment, Dip, Vegetarian

I’ve been feeling super rundown and sad after returning to work, so I reached out to my dear friend Carole Radziwill – or Radzi as Countess LuAnn and I call her – and thankfully she was free to drop by.

Obviously I met Carole and her late husband Anthony in the ‘90s when I interned at ABC to try and woo Anthony in the hope of marrying into the wider Kennedy family. While he only had eyes for Carole, I was immediately taken by her down to earth nature and the love they shared and bowed out with dignity for once.

Watching their love grow and becoming such dear friends was a true blessing, however the tragic way it came to a close was painful to watch and I am glad I was able to support Caz through the horrible period she lived through in ‘99.

Oh and fun fact: our closeness if what made Aviva accuse her of using a ghostwriter. Which she didn’t do as she is an award winning journalist, damnit.

Thankfully our life is a bit less traumatic now – Caz’s even more so after bowing out of RHONY and leaving Dorinda as my sole fave – so it was such a delight to just sit, gossip and on my part, try and convince her to return to The Housewives if I can convince Andy to get rid of The B.

While she didn’t appear open to it, she was thrilled to open her mouth and smash a vat of my Carole Radtzikiwill.

 

 

As a child, I hated the entire concept of tzatziki. I don’t know if it is the general vibe of dodgy 90s or my irrational rage against cucumber, but I couldn’t stomach it. Until I had a really good one and I fell in love. Fresh, zingy and packing a punch, it is beautiful on its own or perfect slathered on a yiro or souvlaki.

Enjoy!

 

 

Carole Radtzikiwill
Serves: 4-6.

Ingredients
1 ½ cups greek yoghurt.
1 Lebanese cucumber, seeded and diced
2 garlic cloves, minced
1 lemon, zested and juiced
2 tbsp fresh dill, roughly chopped
salt and pepper, to taste

Method
Chuck everything in a bowl.

Stir, cover and chill for an hour.

Devour.

 

As you can probably tell, we are very social but the fun isn’t only limited to celebrities! You can follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest and Tumblr.